Mr. Lucky Posted February 17, 2015 Share Posted February 17, 2015 I was going crazy not having sex It's sentences like this (amongst many others in your post) that make me sweep away all the additional details and realize you're just another WS with an over-developed need for validation and sense of entitlement in searching for same... Mr. Lucky Link to post Share on other sites
Chi townD Posted February 17, 2015 Share Posted February 17, 2015 Fantasies are great and fantasies are fun. But, when fantasies involve a third person, then that fantasy should have remained just that. A fantasy. Because, once a fantasy becomes reality, then someone usually ends up getting hurt. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Author Grizzly101 Posted February 17, 2015 Author Share Posted February 17, 2015 It might be a nice gesture to help set him up with one of your friends or on a dating site. I think at this point he's just feeling a little jealous and left out. Do you have any friends that find him attractive? Sometimes a good recommendation from another female is all it takes to help get him a little action. Also, it might help boost his self esteem. I don't have any friends that would be willing to do this. He gets hit on all the time and tells me about it. I have told him that I am ok with it befire any of this happened and we were talking about exploring this side of things. The rules were as long as it's safe sex, he tells me that he did it and it was not someone he would see on a regular basis and I had contact info. Where my situation went all wrong was him giving me the green light on someone I knew and was starting a friendship with. My H is very attractive, successful, flirty and funny. He has a sexual air about him. He is only interested in couple play with another woman. Link to post Share on other sites
Mal78 Posted February 17, 2015 Share Posted February 17, 2015 I know it doesn't make sense to monogamists, but they're swingers, so this is a completely different situation than most couples on loveshack. They have chosen to allow each other to sleep with other people and now he's feeling a little left out. It's an odd concept to most people, but they have a right to have whatever kind of relationship they want. This is not a swinger/open/poly....ect situation. All mentioned are full of communication and built on trust. This situation was not clearly communicated. Trust was broken and no one was honest (particularly WW). 1 Link to post Share on other sites
HereNorThere Posted February 17, 2015 Share Posted February 17, 2015 This is not a swinger/open/poly....ect situation. All mentioned are full of communication and built on trust. This situation was not clearly communicated. Trust was broken and no one was honest (particularly WW). No, she just violated the trust and rules of the poly relationship, there's a difference. They gave each other permission to see other people and that's by it's very definition is non-monogamy. 2 Link to post Share on other sites
Author Grizzly101 Posted February 17, 2015 Author Share Posted February 17, 2015 We are not in a swinging situation. In the beginning, we had the " am I really that good in bed, or us it what we are used to" discussion. We talk about some really whacked stuff. I said that I thought he was incredible, but if he wanted to please another woman (I knew the confidence that he would have after would only benefit me), I told him that he could have a free pass, so to speak. Then it came out about the fantasy. And he knew I was always curious about other men, being a virgin when I met him and only dated him. If it ever happened, it was supposed to be with someone I did not know, so this type of thing did not happen with an attachment. He broke his own rule and I selfishly took the green light not thinking about the consequences. It's something that I will never do again. 2 Link to post Share on other sites
Spectre Posted February 17, 2015 Share Posted February 17, 2015 I did read it, but here is the thing: you still cheated. Yeah, it was silly for your H to urge you to have sex with other men, but meh. Thing is though, he didn't urge you to do anything but sleep with these guys. You took it a step further with one of them, this brother of your friend. By that point, you knew that your H did NOT want you getting involved with the guy, but you still did it anyways. So sorry, you cheated. Some might try to blame the H, but I'm not going to knock him for how he gets his kicks. However, that doesn't give you a free pass to cheat. Link to post Share on other sites
Spectre Posted February 17, 2015 Share Posted February 17, 2015 Meh, your husband is just as much to blame as you are. You don't give your wife permission to sleep with other people and then get jealous when she falls for one of them. That's how sex and biology works and he's old enough to know that. This is why you don't do threesomes or swinging, but most people already know that as I am sure you did as well. As much as people think they can logically separate love and sex, there's a primal aspect to it that isn't always fully under our control. When you allow your partner to explore with other people, regardless of what rules you set, you're setting the example of "it's okay to share intimacy with others." Go easy on yourself. Truthfully, you weren't really that out of bounds. He's just having buyers remorse because he thought he could handle it, but instead he ended up jealous. If you're going to be jealous about sharing your partner, you shouldn't tempt fate by giving them permission. Nope, this is bunk. The H clearly did NOT want her sleeping with this specific OM. There is no debate there, if he wanted her sleeping with the guy he wouldn't of been so pissed off and accusing her of sleeping with him in the first place. So she knew he didn't want it to happen and she did it anyways. Just because she got permission before doesn't mean she gets a free pass until the end of time, for any guy she wants. You are right, things like this ARE a bad idea, but what is done is done and once one of the people involved says "enough is enough this needs to stop" then it damn well needs to stop. You don't get to continue under the guise of "well you gave me permission before" because that makes no logical sense. If he'd made it clear to her she could screw whoever she wanted you would have a point, but them getting in a fight over this guy shows he wasn't okay with it and she did it anyways. Saying she wasn't out of bounds is nonsense, why the hell were they arguing and having the H accuse her of sleeping with the guy..if the H was okay with her doing it? The only way it wouldn't be out of bounds is if the H was okay with it, but nope, he wasn't okay with this specific guy. You are right, he shouldn't of even started this whole thing, but she took advantage of it. That is the thing, once you start trying a new thing in your sex life? It doesn't mean you automatically now BOUND to continue to practice whatever that thing is for the rest of your marriage. Sometimes people try things and find out it is not for them. So please, say the guy was silly to want her to be sleeping with other men in the first place, but don't say she wasn't out of bounds when her story makes it blatantly clear she knew damn well the H was not okay with her getting with this friends brother. Link to post Share on other sites
Author Grizzly101 Posted February 18, 2015 Author Share Posted February 18, 2015 I slept with him the first time, I had permission, and it was my husbands idea. I ended up getting emotionally attached (that was wrong), but did not have plans to sleep with him again. We were in the same house, alone except for kids, for an entire weekend and nothing happened. What changed the game was the constant accusations when I didn't answer my phone or a text within seconds & when he himself has been there and knows my service in that house is spotty. I didn't ignore him, but was caring for a baby and a 6yr old. I crossed the line when he continued to make accusations and told me not to come home. I shouldn't have done it. But at that point, I was being accused and was told I was not welcome in my own home, when I had done nothing wrong. So, at that point, I did not feel that I had anything to lose. I'm not looking for anyone to say that I was right in what happened. But someone made reference to me being with multiply people, which I was not & that my H told me not to be with this OM when it was his idea. I did not think that it was an open ended pass to screw this guy, in fact, I was aware it was quite the opposite. I took and made a heat of the moment decision that I should not have. Link to post Share on other sites
HereNorThere Posted February 18, 2015 Share Posted February 18, 2015 Allowing your wife to have sex with another man and getting upset when you find out she developed feelings for him is the equivalent of getting a teenager stumbling drunk, handing him your car keys and saying "don't get into a wreck" and then being surprised and upset when he wrecks your car. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
road Posted February 18, 2015 Share Posted February 18, 2015 Will you now be honest and admit that affairs cause addictive reactions in the WS brain. This is why you must have NC. You allow contact to happen then those addictive feelings for the OM will return. You now have to face the consequence that you can not go to that wedding. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Author Grizzly101 Posted February 18, 2015 Author Share Posted February 18, 2015 He knows about this, all of it. Link to post Share on other sites
HereNorThere Posted February 18, 2015 Share Posted February 18, 2015 (edited) This may or may not be applicable to your situation, but it's relevant to the topic post and may help other posters who consider sharing these type of fantasies with their partners.- In my experience with men who give their wives permission to sleep with others, the motivation is usually directly related to their own desire to pursue their own extramarital sexual endeavors. Simply put, they want to sleep with other people too. The problem is that many of these men are naive to A) a woman's emotional response to sex and attention B) underestimating the ease in which a woman can have an unlimited supply of nsa sex partners. Of course not every person of every gender is the same, but men and women do usually respond to sex in different ways. Men have a whole culture built around cheap, emotionless sex (strip clubs, massage parlors, pornography) while women tend to have a more emotional, romance novel and candle type sex culture. Most men simply underestimate the power of oxytocin, vasopressin and other strong love chemicals released during sex for a woman. Let's face it, the most unattractive woman can still have an infinitely higher numbers of sexual partners than the best looking, alpha male out there if she tries. Most men recognize this fact and know better than to play the "who can sleep with someone else first" game because as long as she isn't picky, you'll most definitely lose that game. (This directly correlates with the male culture of cheap hook-ups.) I'm not saying that these gender differences excuse behavior, but they certainly account for some of the differences between men and women when it comes to sharing your partner. OP, I do thank you for sharing your story and I hope a few of the other posters learn from it. I think one of the most important things that someone could take away from your experience is that the human brain communicates as much through symbolism as it does words. When you allow yourself to indulge in potentially marriage damaging fantasies with your partner, it just puts you one step closer to that action. You may think you can handle it, but is it really worth it just to have sex? Is a cheap thrill worth potentially throwing away all of the work of building a relationship? Thank you for sharing OP. I really do believe that your husband has the personality type that will be able to get over this; he just needs a little time. Edited February 18, 2015 by HereNorThere 4 Link to post Share on other sites
road Posted February 18, 2015 Share Posted February 18, 2015 See my newest thread... The affair, the backstory. There is much more to all of this. You can start a new thread every day. I read and you still do nothing but you are still justifying and making excuses. To keep contact with the OM is you to not only allow but set up and facilitate your OM rubbing that he banged his WW in your BH's face. 2 Link to post Share on other sites
Author Grizzly101 Posted February 18, 2015 Author Share Posted February 18, 2015 Thank you. That was my ultimate intention with this posting. And you hit the nail on the head with your assessment. Link to post Share on other sites
Spectre Posted February 18, 2015 Share Posted February 18, 2015 I slept with him the first time, I had permission, and it was my husbands idea. I ended up getting emotionally attached (that was wrong), but did not have plans to sleep with him again. We were in the same house, alone except for kids, for an entire weekend and nothing happened. What changed the game was the constant accusations when I didn't answer my phone or a text within seconds & when he himself has been there and knows my service in that house is spotty. I didn't ignore him, but was caring for a baby and a 6yr old. I crossed the line when he continued to make accusations and told me not to come home. I shouldn't have done it. But at that point, I was being accused and was told I was not welcome in my own home, when I had done nothing wrong. So, at that point, I did not feel that I had anything to lose. I'm not looking for anyone to say that I was right in what happened. But someone made reference to me being with multiply people, which I was not & that my H told me not to be with this OM when it was his idea. I did not think that it was an open ended pass to screw this guy, in fact, I was aware it was quite the opposite. I took and made a heat of the moment decision that I should not have. Okay, I guess I got confused of a little details, but this still boils down to the fact you did not have permission to sleep with the guy the last time you did, so that is cheating. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Spectre Posted February 18, 2015 Share Posted February 18, 2015 (edited) Allowing your wife to have sex with another man and getting upset when you find out she developed feelings for him is the equivalent of getting a teenager stumbling drunk, handing him your car keys and saying "don't get into a wreck" and then being surprised and upset when he wrecks your car. I'm sorry, but this is once again bunk. We aren't dealing with teenagers here, we are dealing with two adults. Was this whole thing a stupid idea to begin with? Yes, I agree, I would never advise anyone to do it. Having said that..if you are going to do it, it comes with certain rules. The golden rule is that both people in the marriage need to be okay with what is going on. If one or both of them decides they are uncomfortable with the situation, then it stops, period. This is no different then doing some kinky and potentially painful sex act and having a safety word. Just because you don't use the word at first doesn't render the word invalid if you decide to use it later on. You don't get to hand wave it by saying "well, he let her do it once". He clearly did not want her to develop feelings for the guy. If she felt she couldn't sleep with him without that happening then she shouldn't of done it. Furthermore, the husband at one point made it quite clear he didn't want her doing it anymore..and she did it again anyways. Her excuse was that she was accused a lot, so she decided to just..make those accusations true, for whatever reason. Couples all the time experiment with different things in their sex lives. Sometimes they find what they did fun and want to keep doing it, sometimes they end up wanting to stop doing that. It was made clear to her he did not want it to continue. Also no, your example was way off. If you want to use that scenario, then this is like getting a teenager drunk and handing him the keys to your car, and him then wrecking it. Then, later on, the teen assuming that since you handed him the keys once he has the right to now take the keys whenever he wants, regardless of whether the guy wants to give him the keys. THAT is what this is like. So you really don't get to spin this onto the husband. He might of put the gun in her hand and told her to pull the trigger once, but she decided all on her own to pull that trigger a couple more times. Edited February 18, 2015 by Spectre Link to post Share on other sites
Spectre Posted February 18, 2015 Share Posted February 18, 2015 It also doesn't matter if you need to see the guy at a wedding or something. That is part of the whole "actions have consequences" thing. What is more important, attending the wedding of someone else, or fixing your own marriage? 2 Link to post Share on other sites
Try Posted February 18, 2015 Share Posted February 18, 2015 Again, read the thread, you will understand. Your husband was a fool for indulging a fantasy and thinking that letting you have sex one time with the other man (OM) could be done safely. You were both fools for doing this with the brother of your best friend; even dogs know not to sh*t where they eat. You are a fool for thinking that you can safely spend time with the OM and not have your heart jump when you see him. In the first post on the other thread you stated "I was in denial. I thought that maybe I would see him and have the "his eyes were not really that blue" syndrome. I assured my H that there would be no physical contact, he just had to trust me. The second I walked in, my heart jumped and it all flooded back. What I thought I felt, an grew to fall for in the last 6mo of talking was right in front of me and very real. I was screwed." No matter how much you assured your husband otherwise, when you saw the other man you could not control your feelings for him last time, and eventually ended up sleeping with the other man again. That is why the two most basic requirements of true reconciliation are full no contact with your affair partner (for life) and full transparency (including all passwords). Stop reading from the cheaters script in saying that you are different when it comes to this. You are not. You will have no more control of your emotions when you see your affair partner at the wedding then you did last time when you saw him at the informal wedding (which directly led to you cheating again). 2 Link to post Share on other sites
Author Grizzly101 Posted February 18, 2015 Author Share Posted February 18, 2015 I have said that I will cut tied with my friend and not go to the wedding. The thing is, H wants to go to the wedding still and have my relationship with my friend. I don't know if is some kind of "I won her in the end" thing or what. Link to post Share on other sites
Try Posted February 18, 2015 Share Posted February 18, 2015 I have said that I will cut tied with my friend and not go to the wedding. The thing is, H wants to go to the wedding still and have my relationship with my friend. I don't know if is some kind of "I won her in the end" thing or what. As I said before, your husband is a fool. Link to post Share on other sites
beach Posted February 18, 2015 Share Posted February 18, 2015 I have said that I will cut tied with my friend and not go to the wedding. The thing is, H wants to go to the wedding still and have my relationship with my friend. I don't know if is some kind of "I won her in the end" thing or what. I vote for not going to the wedding. And also to cut ties with the best friend - since she doesn't appear to be a friend of your marriage; especially since her brother seems to pop in at a moments notice and he IS your temptation. The bottom line being that you caused so much harm to your H - and he may not have the strength to tell you to quit that "friendship". So knowing full well that if you intend to repair the damage you have caused - you need to change things moving forward that no longer cause your H harm - and that would include ending it with the friend. Sometimes, in order to get what you want - you have to be willing to give up some things you also want. That's called compromise and sacrifice - better known as marriage. If you aren't willing to consider your husbands feelings first then you ought to rethink being married. 2 Link to post Share on other sites
Mal78 Posted February 18, 2015 Share Posted February 18, 2015 I have said that I will cut tied with my friend and not go to the wedding. The thing is, H wants to go to the wedding still and have my relationship with my friend. I don't know if is some kind of "I won her in the end" thing or what. Regardless, if your AP is a trigger tell your H to go alone. To heal this aspect of the marriage the friendship and association needs to stop. 3 Link to post Share on other sites
HereNorThere Posted February 18, 2015 Share Posted February 18, 2015 (edited) I agree with the other posters about going to the wedding. Really, is that something you would even consider? I can't think of anything more selfish and disrespectful to your husband than going to the wedding. I guess if he's okay with it, cool, but it seems fishy. I doubt your husband thinks he won anything. The last thing anyone thinks when someone has sex with your wife is "I won." Sadly, you can't lose much more than dignity than that. Considering that he wanted to watch the guy have sex with you and now wants to spend time with him, it seems like he has a bit of a cuckold fetish. Not something I've ever understood, but it exists and it your husband definitely has all the signs of it. Edited February 18, 2015 by HereNorThere Link to post Share on other sites
beach Posted February 18, 2015 Share Posted February 18, 2015 The "needs" were time, conversation, companionship and attention other than just sex. I was weighing D at the time. Over the years, I almost left a few times, but something always happened to make me stay & I really wanted to stay true and have the forever. I do respect him., I did not enough at the time. I do love him. I want this to work. For a minute I had the "grass may be greener" syndrome about OM. Realistically, I knew the odds of a 15yr age difference would be an issue in the long run, I knew he wanted kids and honestly, I didn't love him in my core. I made poor choices and was in a fantasy land of thinking. I was selfish and I wanted my cake and eat it, too. I lost sight of what was important and liked the attention. I left hints and my personality changed. I think I wanted him to find out because in some sick way, I thought he would change and compete for my attention. He would give me what I asked for all along. In a way, that has happened, but on both sides of our relationship. I began to see what I stopped doing for him, I justified because he did X, so why should I do X for him. We do stupid stuff together again, we snuggle on the couch instead of him in his reclyner, he uses his devices less when I'm around. I do the little things again, don't bitch about what he watches on tv, we ask about each other's day and listen, we are going to the gym together again. I am open to counseling, but at this time he does not want to explore that. I have seeked more professional help to deal with my depression and he has been active in the support. If he can't get through this and decides he wants a D, I will understand 100%. Are you 40 years old and married for 26 years? I'm noticing your OM is 25 and you said you're 15 years older? Link to post Share on other sites
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