The affair, the backstory and the aftermath...

[Oberfeldwebel]

I am sorry that other have felt the need to hijack your thread. When you post on a public forum you will get a variety of advice, which can be a good thing. However, you need to analyze these options and select the path that works for you. I would not recommend continued contact with the OM under any circumstances, this may work for 1 out of 100, but not something I recommend as a path for others to follow. Some WW will say that they tried but could not maintain NC, they had to wean themselves from the OM at the expense of their spouse’s feelings. This is hogwash, this is just someone justifying their actions and not something that you should have to tolerate. We all have to be accountable for our actions, set reasonable boundaries and then it is up to her to either stay within the boundaries and rebuild her marriage or feed her selfish desires.

[beach]

That's a wedding you skip - and IF she's a friend she understands why. And holidays you see them? No way - if she's a friend of your M then no way do you need to see her brother. You ask to see her only - without seeing the OM.

 

You could make it crystal clear IF you ever see her again that you don't ever need to set eyes on her brother.

 

You don't need to see that OM just because you want to see the friend! And since she knows she should be willing to understand why you should never see him or hear one word about how he's doing ever again.

[Clay]

I think you need to get new friends. If your best friend knew you were having a affair then it sounds like she is as toxic as the OM is. I think you need to sever all contact with them all together. I think this might even be one of those times where moving to a different place might be best for but of you. This is assuming you really want your marriage. I know some people say that lightly while they keep the OM/OW at arms reach.

 

Your husband has to see and I mean really see you committed only to him and you will do anything to save your marriage.

 

If your not then just save yourself the heart ache and divorce and let your husband find a woman that will love only him.

 

Clay

[Try]

Yes, she does know. And it would be on a rare occasion that we would see each other. We do not live close. But we are her daughters godparents, so there is a possibility of a run in around holidays.

Has it occurred to you that your husband has only agreed to this because he feared that if given the choice between losing your husband or losing your affair partner (AP) plus your best friend, that the thought of losing your best friend would tilt the scale against you picking to stay in the marriage?

 

We are both supposed to be in her wedding also. I am honestly not attempting to have contact. I'm saying that there willire than likely be contact, but not contact that we are left alone together.

No matter what you have convinced your husband to say in order to not lose you, knowing that you and your affair partner (AP) are together during the various wedding party functions, with the bride knowing full well about the affair, will eat at your husbands self respect. During the wedding, the AP will be on home turf, and your husband will have to silently endure hearing nice things said about the AP as he is cast as a good guy. If you are at all capable of understanding what it must be like for your husband right now, you would know that your husband watching a new marriage begin, while the participants of the destruction of his marriage are in the wedding party together, will eat at your husbands soul; hearing each word of the wedding vows that you broke with your AP as both you and your AP stand there in the wedding party, will be pure torture for you husband. The mind movies that all this will invoke as he plays the good soldier for you will be almost unbearable. Your lack of empathy for your husband is why I say that you are in false reconciliation. No matter what your husband says now, there will be a heavy price that will be paid for this in the future.

 

Did your best friend know of the affair with her brother during the affair? When she knew of the affair, were you and her brother ever together with her? During the affair, was getting together with your best friend ever used as cover by you to see her brother?

Edited February 17, 2015 by Try

[Grizzly101]

My friend was unaware of the affair until it was over.

[Clay]

My friend was unaware of the affair until it was over.

 

So do you plan on keeping the OM in your life? I mean in the end that is the real question. In the end its your choice.

 

Clay

[Akheron]

The earlier thread last year was 2 months before anything happened. That was in reference to a friend of mine that I was attracted to. This is not the same person. I stayed away from him as everyone suggested.

 

Wait, wait, wait. Wait. What? So all of the advice and comments with regards to the "other guy" kept you away, but you couldn't apply that same advice to the "new" guy? I don't get this at all. How is the guy you had an affair with different than the guy you didn't have an affair with?

[Grizzly101]

This needs a thread all it's own, lol.

I don't have plans to keep him in my life. I'm saying that there will be times that we see each other, but not in a way I am planning or craving.

 

As far as the affair, I told H my feelings and urge to cheat and have a ONS. I steared clear of that guy and it has passed. The person I was with was someone that I met and fell for in a vulnerable time (not an excuse, it was still wrong). It was more emotional than anything.

[Clay]

This needs a thread all it's own, lol.

I don't have plans to keep him in my life. I'm saying that there will be times that we see each other, but not in a way I am planning or craving.

 

As far as the affair, I told H my feelings and urge to cheat and have a ONS. I steared clear of that guy and it has passed. The person I was with was someone that I met and fell for in a vulnerable time (not an excuse, it was still wrong). It was more emotional than anything.

 

See having any chance on seeing him and knowing there is a chance because your around the same people is the same as keeping him in your life. You can do that. That is your choice and only you can decide what you want in your life. I think now you just need to be honest to your husband and tell him you do intend on keeping the OM in your life.

 

If you think you can have it both ways I think your only fooling yourself. Your h might say hes is ok with it but you know its going to kill him each time he knows your around the OM. If your ok doing that then that is up to you. I personally would not ever want to put my wife through that. I can imagine as time goes on this will kill a little part of the love your h has for you. At some point in time he will wake up and realize it. I think you need to prepare yourself for that day.

[Grizzly101]

This is long, but is a full explaination. There are a few "I told you so" things that I was warned about that I thought would never happen to me, but they did. I'm not posting this for situational sympathy (I don't deserve that) or to be burned at the stake. It is so you can learn from my mistake...

 

Last year, I posted a thread (urge to cheat, but don't want to) expressing my urge to cheat with a male friend. I heeded all the warnings, supressed the feeling eventually, told my H the entire situation, including who, and have had little to NC with the person (lives in another state that I visit 3-4x a yr). After telling H about the fantasy (told him the who later) he expressed, almost obsessively, the desire for me to have sex with OM while he watched or participated (not with my friend) & began to talk about it obsessively during sex. He knew I had a deep desire to explore things with OM since I had been a virgin when we started dating at 15. We have been together 26yrs and have had our share of trials that nearly ended us a few times.

 

At the time I was feeling alone, I was feeling no identity of self - I was X's wife and X's mom. I watched a dynamic duo w/him and son, me most often being a 3rd wheel. We talked on the phone, but rarely when he was home. He was hooked to TV, hobbies or electronics. I nagged about it, cried about needing more attention, nothing changed. The only thing we did right was the sex. That is where we connected. I contemplated leaving, but it would not be until fall after my son went to college if it happened. I loved him, but felt alone. He was a good husband in the sense that he always provided, great father, etc.

 

A few months after bringing this desire to his attention, I went to see my BFF in another state. Her child was just born, I was the godmother and was visiting for 10 days. I was going crazy not having sex and my H and I were sexting and trying to "take care if each other". While I was there, I hung out with her brother a lot. Fun guy, sweet, not my physical attraction type, but there was def a connection. My H asked a lot about him on the phone, "was I attracted", etc. I was honest. I told him yes. He asked if I would sleep with him if given the ok, I was dumbfounded, but said yes. Long story short, he told this cougar to stalk her 25yr old prey and go for it. Again, I was shocked, but willingly did. I was good sex (not my H level) but the situation was incredibly hot.

 

H asked a lot of details and I gave them. He was upset that we kissed, but no other things we did bothered him. When I came home , he met me at a motel because he couldn't wait until we got home and tried to ditch our son. He treated me like a whore coming to the room, role play, and it, too, was hot. Again, he became obsessive talking about wanting to share me anytime we had sex. At first a turn on, but started to get old. Communication got a little better, but eventually turned to sexy talk. The little time we spent alone turned into just an event to have sex.

 

The OM and I were texting and openly FB friends. At first it was pretty innocent, mostly buddy talk, there were no "red flags" to stop. Then we both fell into a developing relationship. I felt guilty, but didn't see it as cheating since the sex encounter was approved and we were "just talking". It developed into thinking about him 24/7. I was giving him the emotional attention that I should've been giving my H, but he was feeding my craving for what H wasn't giving me. After a few mo, H suspected and asked. I denied of course. He figured it was a crush and it would run it's course. Since I struggle with depression, he thought my normal swings were just that, not me missing OM. I felt it was somewhat safe because we didn't physically see each other, living 2k miles away.

 

Ff 6mo. I go to watch kids for BFF for a weekend getaway after their informal wedding (courthouse for babies birth certificate, real wedding planned this summer). I was staying for a week. Last minute, witness #2 had to no show. The brother came out. It was not planned. I found out days before I left. I was honest and told my H that he would be there & we would me staying in the same house again. The fight ensued, rightfully, but I was in denial. I thought that maybe I would see him and have the "his eyes were not really that blue" syndrome. I assured my H that there would be no physical contact, he just had to trust me. The second I walked in, my heart jumped and it all flooded back. What I thought I felt, an grew to fall for in the last 6mo of talking was right in front of me and very real. I was screwed. Over the next few days, I managed to stay hands off, and keep in contact w/H.

 

One night, my cell had issues, in and out of service due to being in the mountains - happens everytime I go there. He finally got through and we had a huge fight. He accused me of sleeping w/OM and would not believe I had not. I was very upset. He called me on it "you have actual feelings for this guy", I finally admitted it. Told him how I hoped I didn't. He continued to accuse me of the sex and told me not to come home. So, I did what any stupid women emotionally tormented would do...yep, I slept with him. I felt I had nothing to lose. He was already accusing me, wouldn't believe me and told me not to come home.

 

I did. He said he was sorry. I ate crow and told him everything that I could've hidden. I broke him. And I hated myself for it. I did the cruelest thing I could do. I told him I would leave, but that I still loved him. He finally acknowledged the things that I had tried to tell him over the years, how I could fall for someone else. It did not justify the affair, that is never justified, but he understood my mindset even though the behavior was wrong. He told me that he wanted to work it out, the yelling, crying and ugliness came out on both sides. I agreed to NC w/OM that I could control ( in a wedding together in summer, are godparents and visits to BFF could overlap), told my friend about the A for accountability . The hardest part was him hurting knowing I was getting over the OM because of the EA. It has been 4mo since I ended it. I admitted to H a couple weeks ago that I was finally 100% over OM. It nearly killed him, buts he said it was an eye opener. It made him see the things he was not giving me even though I expressed my need. The A was in no way his fault and he didn't deserve the betrayal. My actions were not in any way justified, but he understood. We have a long road, but I will do whatever it takes for him to trust me again. It may never happen, he may decide that he wants a D after all, and I deserve that. I made my bed.

 

Be careful, I never thought this would happen to me. But it did. And I'm paying for it everyday.

[Try]

I don't have plans to keep him in my life. I'm saying that there will be times that we see each other, but not in a way I am planning or craving.

But you do have plans to keep him in your life. There are pre-determined planned dates for the wedding where you know that you will see your affair partner (AP). There will also be future planned dates with your friend where you know that you will see your affair partner. Thus you your plans include keeping your affair partner in your life. You could keep your friendship, but with the understanding that you will never go to functions where the affair partner will be. That should be a consequence of your cheating that a person that has fully grasped the magnitude of what they have done, and accepted full responsibility for their actions would gladly accept for the gift of a second chance from their cheated on spouse.

[HereNorThere]

Meh, your husband is just as much to blame as you are. You don't give your wife permission to sleep with other people and then get jealous when she falls for one of them. That's how sex and biology works and he's old enough to know that.

 

 

This is why you don't do threesomes or swinging, but most people already know that as I am sure you did as well. As much as people think they can logically separate love and sex, there's a primal aspect to it that isn't always fully under our control. When you allow your partner to explore with other people, regardless of what rules you set, you're setting the example of "it's okay to share intimacy with others."

 

Go easy on yourself. Truthfully, you weren't really that out of bounds. He's just having buyers remorse because he thought he could handle it, but instead he ended up jealous. If you're going to be jealous about sharing your partner, you shouldn't tempt fate by giving them permission.

 

*P.S. - You could have skipped the first 3 paragraphs making excuses of why you did it like "I had no sense of self, blah, blah, blah" and just been honest with the fact that you wanted to sleep with people other than your husband. He was cool with it, so no need to keep coming up with a bunch of justifications and rationalizations. Everyone probably feels that way from time to time, I think most people just realize how dangerous and toxic it is to a marriage. It's sad to see him shaming and giving you a guilt trip when he is the one who pushed for it in the first place.

Edited February 17, 2015 by HereNorThere

[Grizzly101]

You are correct. I am willing to do that. My H says he doesn't want me to have to do that.

[Spectre]

I honestly think that this served as a wake up call to him. A crappy one, but a wake up call. I never stopped loving my husband, I was to the point that I was through being a doormat and taken advantage of. I met OM during this stage.

 

I'm sorry, but you are contradicting yourself. If you "never stopped loving your husband" you would of never had an affair. If you were through being a doormat you should of left. Instead, you were unhappy and knew it and chose to just stay and cheat. That's not love, it's cruelty.

 

Since the A, my H now sees what I was asking for, looks at things in a different perspective. He was accountable for his actions. It was my choice to cheat, nobody can force you to do that. But I think that a spouses behavior can enable certain behavior and you get a mindset that you feel that you can justify certain things.

 

This is bunk. He was "accountable" for his actions. You think he enabled your cheating behavior? The only one who decided to cheat was you. You are trying to place blame on your H and his behavior and deflect off your own.

 

I am 100% committed to making my marriage work because I now have a willing partner that sees the issues that we had all along and is willing to work on them. I am willing to do whatever it takes to show him that I am all in.

 

If you were 100% committed to the marriage then the OM would be completely cut out of your life. You say he is your best friends brother. Lady, you had an affair. You kind of have to give up some things if you want to fix it. YOU did this, not your husband. Actions have consequences. It's not his fault you decided to take up with a close friends brother, but oh well..that is on you. You need to learn to do without, or just divorce.

[Grizzly101]

See my newest thread...

The affair, the backstory.

There is much more to all of this.

[Spectre]

See my newest thread...

The affair, the backstory.

There is much more to all of this.

 

No backstory is going to change the advice I just gave though. You cheated, so you need to be willing to give some things up to make it work. Also, unless he physically forced you into this mans arms, nobody enabled you to have an affair but you.

[thummper]

You are correct. I am willing to do that. My H says he doesn't want me to have to do that.

 

Then he should prepare himself for more heartache. I believe the temptation will be too much for you to resist. Hate to say it, but I think the old feelings will resurface and you'll be right back in it.

[Grizzly101]

No backstory is going to change the advice I just gave though. You cheated, so you need to be willing to give some things up to make it work. Also, unless he physically forced you into this mans arms, nobody enabled you to have an affair but you.

 

Again, read the thread, you will understand.

[BetrayedH]

I'm curious about these "needs" that your husband wasn't meeting. I may have missed where you said what they were.

[harrybrown]

Do you want to stay married or do you want to go to the OM?

 

Your marriage will be hard.

 

Just imagine that the roles were reversed and he had a PA and an EA.

 

would you want to stay married to him?

 

Would this hurt your self-esteem that he had an EA and a PA?

 

Would you make him get tested for stds?

 

would you kick him out or want to eventually work it out for the family?

 

Do you respect your H? If you do not, you should file for D. I do hope you find out want you want and that your family finds some peace.

[HereNorThere]

It might be a nice gesture to help set him up with one of your friends or on a dating site. I think at this point he's just feeling a little jealous and left out. Do you have any friends that find him attractive? Sometimes a good recommendation from another female is all it takes to help get him a little action. Also, it might help boost his self esteem.

 

Clean him a little bit, help him take some flattering pictures and put them up on the web. It's probably the least you can do to help him at this point.

[Mrs. John Adams]

it might be a nice gesture to help set him up with one of your friends or on a dating site. I think at this point he's just feeling a little jealous and left out. Do you have any friends that find him attractive? Sometimes a good recommendation from another female is all it takes to help get him a little action. Also, it might help boost his self esteem.

 

Clean him a little bit, help him take some flattering pictures and put them up on the web. It's probably the least you can do to help him at this point.

 

what??????

[HereNorThere]

I know it doesn't make sense to monogamists, but they're swingers, so this is a completely different situation than most couples on loveshack. They have chosen to allow each other to sleep with other people and now he's feeling a little left out.

 

It's an odd concept to most people, but they have a right to have whatever kind of relationship they want.

[Grizzly101]

The "needs" were time, conversation, companionship and attention other than just sex. I was weighing D at the time. Over the years, I almost left a few times, but something always happened to make me stay & I really wanted to stay true and have the forever.

 

I do respect him., I did not enough at the time. I do love him. I want this to work. For a minute I had the "grass may be greener" syndrome about OM. Realistically, I knew the odds of a 15yr age difference would be an issue in the long run, I knew he wanted kids and honestly, I didn't love him in my core. I made poor choices and was in a fantasy land of thinking. I was selfish and I wanted my cake and eat it, too.

 

I lost sight of what was important and liked the attention. I left hints and my personality changed. I think I wanted him to find out because in some sick way, I thought he would change and compete for my attention. He would give me what I asked for all along. In a way, that has happened, but on both sides of our relationship. I began to see what I stopped doing for him, I justified because he did X, so why should I do X for him.

 

We do stupid stuff together again, we snuggle on the couch instead of him in his reclyner, he uses his devices less when I'm around. I do the little things again, don't bitch about what he watches on tv, we ask about each other's day and listen, we are going to the gym together again. I am open to counseling, but at this time he does not want to explore that. I have seeked more professional help to deal with my depression and he has been active in the support. If he can't get through this and decides he wants a D, I will understand 100%.

[Mal78]

My take:

 

You expressed a fantasy to your H. Your H was intrigued and turned on by this and hyper focused on your fantasy. At that point it was "only" a fantasy and posed no threat.

 

FF... an opportunity posed itself. You expressed to your H that you have an opportunity (although you played it off as meh, it's whatever until....) your H gives you the green light. He was going to give you permission to fulfil your fantasy meanwhile his will soon follow with his "hotel scene"/scenario. Mind blowing sex follows, you both put some spice in your longterm relationship and now you have fuel for the fire for months to come or until opportunity #2 comes along.

 

This was how your H played it out in his head. It was all consensual until you went to babysit those kids. Because you had an EA after a PA (don't hear that often on here) you built yourself up to that moment. Teased yourself.... him... but you knew that you would before you arrived.

 

I think you and your H should now (because you obviously didn't before) have a serious talk about any more "open relationship" scenarios for the future. Talk about the ramifications, complications and consequences. I could see a "revenge" scenario on the horizon.

 

**sidenote, I personally would like to thank you for sharing your story. My H and I have just recently been more open about our fantasies (20 years M) and my H expressed his 3some fantasy. We talk about it, elaborate and I incorporate it during sex. It's pretty hot. I am 95% sure this is a fantasy strictly for our bedroom ears and thoughts. I would LOVE more than anything to fulfil this fantasy for my H and thought "if the opportunity arises...." I have had thoughts of surprising him.

 

Your situation is eye-opening.