Affair Partner broke it off - I feel sick

[obtuseedge]

Confess to your wife what you have been doing. It is only fair. If you are in love with another woman your wife needs to know. I'm sure she can feel that something is "just not right" with you but keeps putting it to the side. Your wife is in her early thirties just reaching her sexual peak. I'm sure she will meet an extremely handsome, charismatic man who she feels incredible chemistry with as well. What will she do? Let her be free to explore her options as well.

 

This is one of the options I'm considering. The time to make a decision is bearing upon me.

[ThePerfectJade]

Ok. I have read through most of the comments. Perhaps there are some things which I did not explain myself clearly, however, some of the assumptions here are not correct. Let me make some things clear.

 

1. I do not see the OW or my Wife as weak, dependent women. The opposite. Both are VERY STRONG, POWERFUL women. My AP is financially successful, ambitious and has a strong mind. She is also an ex-model and by all objective accounts, she is BREATHTAKINGLY GORGEOUS. She is EXTREMELY charismatic, and a stunning woman. Whenever she enters a room, all male attention is focused on her. I need to describe this, because she has a VERY POWERFUL command of men, and this is part of the reason why her ex-husband was so controlling because he was NOT physically attractive and was very insecure because she commanded so much male attention.

 

My wife is ALSO a beautiful woman, although probably not physically at the same level as my AP. She certainly has no shortage of men hitting on her. She is very attractive. She also has a very strong personality and mind, and although I am the main breadwinner, she certainly speaks her mind and is in no way subservient to me.

 

2. NO, the AP is NOT a victim. I am NOT a villain. I have always been clear from the start that I did not plan to leave my wife. This affair was CONSENSUAL. We both were madly attracted to one another, and through the weeks and months, grew closer and feelings got more intense. IN FACT, SHE is the reason why we ended up together on the project. Yes, I said the arrangement was put together by a third party, only because she was chosen by another partner to work together, however, she insisted that I should be included in our team. I will also mention that in fact, she has told me that from the beginning, she was very transfixed by me, those are her words.

 

3. I do not consider myself a White Knight. I do believe she would've EVENTUALLY left her husband, but it might've been 2 or 3 years down the road. The fact is, and these are her words, that she met me and this catalyzed her realization that her marriage was unhealthy and caused her to leave. She has already been deeply unhappy with the marriage, but meeting me was the catalyst for her decisiveness in leaving him.

 

Anyways, just to give all of you an update. I am extremely confused right now. The fact is, that my AP and I have re-ignited the physical aspect of our affair. She has also revealed to me that the only reason she "broke up" with me the other night was because she was upset at the thought that I was spending Valentine's with my wife, and not her. She has also revealed some very deep and powerful thoughts, stating that it really deeply hurts her to think that we cannot ever have a family together, and that she feels I am her true soulmate and we are destined to be together.

 

I know this situation cannot last forever. I am not trying to keep her as a mistress, that situation cannot last. I feel extremely torn between her and my wife, to the point where it causes me physical pain. I will need to figure this out, and deeply reflect on things.

 

I know what I am doing is not ethical, yet it is a complicated and heart wrenching situation I found myself, perhaps through a combination of laxity in self control, but also because I met a woman of extreme beauty, charisma and chemistry that such powerful feelings were inevitable. Obviously, I have a lot to figure out in the near future.

 

I would highly advise you seek medical attention if you are feeling physical pain. It could be secondary to a somatoform disorder or other disease process.

[velvette]

This is one of the options I'm considering. The time to make a decision is bearing upon me.

 

What on earth will you do if a third strong, powerful, gorgeous woman who finds you captivating comes along? Did you really write all that without rolling your eyes at yourself?

 

 

I realize you are in pain, but you need to put your rational brain in gear for a bit.

 

 

The OW is not all that powerful if she managed to get herself into an abusive relationship she hung out in for 10 years. She has a lot of work to do on herself. Leaving is just the first step. Especially, since she needed you as a crutch to leave. Now apparently that's not all she had in mind and she wants you to slide into place as a replacement husband. Not a good idea.

 

 

Both of you should see a counselor imo. Separately.

 

 

Here's the thing. You will be in love with whichever one you allow to meet your most important needs while you are meeting hers. As long as OW is around you wont be able to allow your wife to do that fully, so your love for her will decline.

 

 

Conversely, your OW wont be able to fully meet all your needs in a part time relationship, so you will never really be able to commit to her either. You will stay stuck, until you separate yourself from one or both of them.

 

 

That's how it works. No exceptions.

 

 

Both relationships will be stuck in an unhealthy place while everyone becomes more and more miserable.

[obtuseedge]

What on earth will you do if a third strong, powerful, gorgeous woman who finds you captivating comes along? Did you really write all that without rolling your eyes at yourself?

 

 

I realize you are in pain, but you need to put your rational brain in gear for a bit.

 

 

The OW is not all that powerful if she managed to get herself into an abusive relationship she hung out in for 10 years. She has a lot of work to do on herself. Leaving is just the first step. Especially, since she needed you as a crutch to leave. Now apparently that's not all she had in mind and she wants you to slide into place as a replacement husband. Not a good idea.

 

 

Both of you should see a counselor imo. Separately.

 

 

Here's the thing. You will be in love with whichever one you allow to meet your most important needs while you are meeting hers. As long as OW is around you wont be able to allow your wife to do that fully, so your love for her will decline.

 

 

Conversely, your OW wont be able to fully meet all your needs in a part time relationship, so you will never really be able to commit to her either. You will stay stuck, until you separate yourself from one or both of them.

 

 

That's how it works. No exceptions.

 

 

Both relationships will be stuck in an unhealthy place while everyone becomes more and more miserable.

 

When she met her husband, she was young and naive. Over time, she gained more in education and work experience, and thus, especially in the last 2 years, the dynamic began to change between the two of them. He was especially abusive because he realized she was becoming more powerful, and this made him insecure.

 

Yes, what you are telling me is right. Fact is, if we weren't tied together at work, I would've probably went NC with her a long time ago just to keep my peace of mind. I'm not saying I'm not a culprit here, I am, and I take responsibility for everything. But it's also because we are forced to actually interact closely on a regular basis that both of our feelings have grown so strong.

 

Everything you've told me is true and I am starting to realize this is an absolutely untenable permanent situation.

[Sassy Girl]

OP, Its completely reasonable and rational that you spend Valentine's Day with your WIFE. See what's going on here??? She is manipulating you to be sorry for something you actually don't need to be sorry for.

 

 

You don't owe her. She is OW. She has opted for second place. Make it clear that she is being unreasonable. Be honest about the relationship with your wife. Tell her you love your wife, have sex with your wife, have dinners and fond memories and a comfortable respectful marriage. Don't lie to her about it, you're only prolonging it all.

[anika99]

Anyways, just to give all of you an update. I am extremely confused right now. The fact is, that my AP and I have re-ignited the physical aspect of our affair. She has also revealed to me that the only reason she "broke up" with me the other night was because she was upset at the thought that I was spending Valentine's with my wife, and not her. She has also revealed some very deep and powerful thoughts, stating that it really deeply hurts her to think that we cannot ever have a family together, and that she feels I am her true soulmate and we are destined to be together.

 

I know this situation cannot last forever. I am not trying to keep her as a mistress, that situation cannot last. I feel extremely torn between her and my wife, to the point where it causes me physical pain. I will need to figure this out, and deeply reflect on things.

 

I know what I am doing is not ethical, yet it is a complicated and heart wrenching situation I found myself, perhaps through a combination of laxity in self control, but also because I met a woman of extreme beauty, charisma and chemistry that such powerful feelings were inevitable. Obviously, I have a lot to figure out in the near future.

 

 

 

Okay so here your OW has revealed her true desire and intentions. She wants you to leave your wife for her. Breaking up with you on Valentines day because you were with your wife is only the tip of the iceberg of what's to come. The OW accepted your wife while she was with her husband but now that she is separated she is going to become increasingly demanding, angry and manipulative. She is showing you that she is not okay with being your thing on the side and that she wants more. She is going to start putting a lot more pressure on you.

 

 

You have pretty much admitted that your wife will not fall apart and be completely destroyed by a divorce. You don't have children that you have to be concerned about. You have no excuse for dragging this out, you are just being selfish. Make a damn choice.

[velvette]

When she met her husband, she was young and naive. Over time, she gained more in education and work experience, and thus, especially in the last 2 years, the dynamic began to change between the two of them. He was especially abusive because he realized she was becoming more powerful, and this made him insecure.

 

Yes, what you are telling me is right. Fact is, if we weren't tied together at work, I would've probably went NC with her a long time ago just to keep my peace of mind. I'm not saying I'm not a culprit here, I am, and I take responsibility for everything. But it's also because we are forced to actually interact closely on a regular basis that both of our feelings have grown so strong.

 

Everything you've told me is true and I am starting to realize this is an absolutely untenable permanent situation.

 

 

People with healthy self esteem don't have to have a lot of experience to know when they are being treated badly and to enforce their boundaries or walk away. So, whatever progress she has made, there is still some fault line she hasn't had time to address with the drama of being in an A.

 

 

In fact, in wouldn't surprise me if the A drama is just a coping mechanism to avoid having to deal with underlying issues. Probably the same for you whether it is something within that you are unhappy about or your M.

 

 

Those unaddressed issues will come back to haunt any relationship she is in unless she deals with them.

[Cinnimon]

I would highly advise you seek medical attention if you are feeling physical pain. It could be secondary to a somatoform disorder or other disease process.

 

You said she had already told you of the Valentine's issues back in post#5.

[Cinnimon]

Okay that wasn't supposed to quote ...... What the heck??

Sorry about that.

[obtuseedge]

You said she had already told you of the Valentine's issues back in post#5.

 

Ok, I realized I did. However, she told me that when I was out of town. Since I've come back, she's made it clear that she wants us to be romantic again, and yes, I have a great desire for her.

[whichwayisup]

Ok, I realized I did. However, she told me that when I was out of town. Since I've come back, she's made it clear that she wants us to be romantic again, and yes, I have a great desire for her.

 

You're making another HUGE mistake by re starting the affair with her. Mark my words, by spring time you'll be dealing with the fallout of your affair with your wife, as she will find out the truth.

 

You're playing with fire with this OW and going to be burnt.

[obtuseedge]

You're making another HUGE mistake by re starting the affair with her. Mark my words, by spring time you'll be dealing with the fallout of your affair with your wife, as she will find out the truth.

 

You're playing with fire with this OW and going to be burnt.

 

I do realize I am playing with fire. Honestly, I have to say that the intensity of the sexual attraction and chemistry with my AP is absolutely intoxicating. I am finding it very hard to take a step back and think about this clearly, especially about how the relationship would be like after the first period of intense infatuation passes. Do not get me wrong though, we actually get along on far more levels than just physical attraction.

[whichwayisup]

I do realize I am playing with fire. Honestly, I have to say that the intensity of the sexual attraction and chemistry with my AP is absolutely intoxicating. I am finding it very hard to take a step back and think about this clearly, especially about how the relationship would be like after the first period of intense infatuation passes. Do not get me wrong though, we actually get along on far more levels than just physical attraction.

Affair fog!!

 

You two are not in a relationship, it's an affair. The glue that holds you two together is based on emotions and sex. That glue is NOT strong enough to make it last. I mean could you divorce your wife tomorrow and start a new life with your OW? Can you picture your lives together? Do you really know the OW, the in's and out's of her, how she handles things, good bad and the ugly when life gets tough? Excluding her marital issues and impending divorce, she also is not in a healthy frame of mind to be involved with you. Her mental and physical abuse by her husband HAS affected her and how she copes/handles things. She's extremely jealous of your wife and you are becoming her 'everything' and it's not just an affair to her. She IS hoping you'll choose her over your wife. That much is obvious. She hates that you can go home and continue living life with your wife..she will drive a wedge and sooner or later you *may* justify your A by re writing your history with your wife and marriage. Many WS's do this, as the A gets more serious all of a sudden the innocent spouse at home becomes the problem, the evil one who is mean, is lazy, is rude, etc..etc...

 

Best thing you can do is seek counseling and figure out who you want. To continue the affair and stay married is cruel to your OW and cruel to your unsuspecting wife. Make a decision whether to end your A and stay married or divorce and be with your OW. Having the A and being selfish is not right.

[velvette]

I do realize I am playing with fire. Honestly, I have to say that the intensity of the sexual attraction and chemistry with my AP is absolutely intoxicating. I am finding it very hard to take a step back and think about this clearly, especially about how the relationship would be like after the first period of intense infatuation passes. Do not get me wrong though, we actually get along on far more levels than just physical attraction.

 

 

I think she has just given you a clue. When you do what she wants it will be fine. When you don't there will be drama and lots of it. That's probably either how she works or what she learned by being in a volatile relationship.

 

 

Expect more to come.

 

 

Don't be surprised if she has an abusive side herself.

[obtuseedge]

I think she has just given you a clue. When you do what she wants it will be fine. When you don't there will be drama and lots of it. That's probably either how she works or what she learned by being in a volatile relationship.

 

 

Expect more to come.

 

 

Don't be surprised if she has an abusive side herself.

 

Abusive, No. Calculating, I have seen that.

 

She's actually relatively mild mannered and sweet almost all the time. She doesn't get angry easily. When she does lash out, it's usually in the form of an ultimatum, but it's not expressed angrily. She is also a very kindhearted and generous person, actually one of the most generous persons I've ever met, and this is not just to me, but in her actions towards others as well.

 

So, no, she is not abusive. But I have seen that she can be very strategic in how she handles and plans things.

[waterwoman]

From reading here and on other relationship sites, I can probably guess what will happen. As the months of indecision go by you will become closer to your ow and more distant from your wife. Your love and concern for her will turn to resentment and reluctant obligation. As your ow becomes more perfect, your wife's flaws will multiply until you can only see them and all the little things she has ever done to upset you will fill your memory to the exclusion of the happy times.

 

You are having a hard time deciding so get another opinion in the mix, that of your wife. After all its her future as well as yours you are considering. As it is one of the people involved in all this is still in the dark- seems a little unfair, no?

[Rainbowlove]

From reading here and on other relationship sites, I can probably guess what will happen. As the months of indecision go by you will become closer to your ow and more distant from your wife. Your love and concern for her will turn to resentment and reluctant obligation. As your ow becomes more perfect, your wife's flaws will multiply until you can only see them and all the little things she has ever done to upset you will fill your memory to the exclusion of the happy times.

 

You are having a hard time deciding so get another opinion in the mix, that of your wife. After all its her future as well as yours you are considering. As it is one of the people involved in all this is still in the dark- seems a little unfair, no?

 

I love all of this. ^^^^^^

 

Your WIFE deserves the TRUTH, but YOU are too much of a COWARD to give it to her.

 

Why?

 

Not because you are afraid of devastating her. BULL SHYT.

 

You are afraid of the mess and chaos and the fall out. Sure, she'll be devastated, but that's not your real motive for keeping quiet.

 

I said it before...where is your self-respect, dignity and integrity? You have none as far as I can see.

 

Time to man up and speak some truth here. You are trying to keep her as a mistress.

 

Tell your wife the truth. See how quicky you change your tune about OW.

 

Edit:

 

I don't feel badly for you. Not one bit. You are making excuse after excuse to keep this deceptive affair alive. It will only get harder and worse.

Edited February 19, 2015 by Rainbowlove

[Popsicle]

Well, hooefully OW just gets tired of waiting for you and breaks up with you before a Dday happens. That would be the best outcome for you. (And often does happen)

[TigerLilly78]

 

I honestly have to say that I never loved any one so deeply.

 

 

.

You have already destroyed your wife the min these words crossed your mind about the OW the only difference is she doesn't know it yet..

 

I think you should stay in your boring marriage and let the OW do what she needs to do. You'll get over whatever you're currently feeling in a few weeks or so, because the OW obviously doesn't mean enough to you to be with her. Sorry to sound harsh but I really find it hard to hear about how you're hurting when you're doing as you please and don't really concern yourself with how you've hurt the OW; i.e., your lover, friend and soul mate. Those things do not trump this desire to "take care" of your wife who you either pity or view as a child.

 

Oh donkey dust! the OWs knows exactly what they are getting into when the enter into a A with another women's husband while its a sad state for all involved the only true "victims" are the unknowing BS..

[stillmind]

Abusive, No. Calculating, I have seen that.

 

She's actually relatively mild mannered and sweet almost all the time. She doesn't get angry easily. When she does lash out, it's usually in the form of an ultimatum, but it's not expressed angrily. She is also a very kindhearted and generous person, actually one of the most generous persons I've ever met, and this is not just to me, but in her actions towards others as well.

 

So, no, she is not abusive. But I have seen that she can be very strategic in how she handles and plans things.

 

You don't know whether or not she's abusive because you aren't in a real relationship with her. You do know that she's (in your words) flaky, impulsive, and manipulative -- her false break up because she was angry over valentine's day.

 

Disregarding your marriage entirely, if you were a single man dating her I would advise you to break up. She is emotionally unstable, she is attempting to control your actions/guilt trip you by cutting off sex, and she is in the very VERY EARLY stages of separation from an abusive, unstable man. She needs therapy and real friendships, not the drama of an affair.

 

You're seeing this as some grand love story but come on man, take the blinders off.

[TigerLilly78]

O. IN FACT, SHE is the reason why we ended up together on the project. Yes, I said the arrangement was put together by a third party, only because she was chosen by another partner to work together, however, she insisted that I should be included in our team.

 

.

 

 

Yes, what you are telling me is right. Fact is, if we weren't tied together at work, I would've probably went NC with her a long time ago.

 

Yea your "tied together" all right by her asking to be your work partner? op stop making weak excuses to have your cake and eat it to man up leave your poor wife and let her find a man who will actually do right by her..you said shes rather attractive im sure once she gets over being hurt humiliated and used she will move on..

 

Edit to add valentines day is suppose to be spent with wives and husbands thats kind of a no brainier so looks like the OW is demanding and kind of self centered have fun with that..

Edited February 19, 2015 by TigerLilly78

[elaine567]

People in abusive relationships tend to be people pleasers.

 

She may or not be abusive, but she will have her own issues.

The consequences of being abused, means she will have been damaged by that.

She will be very fragile, even if she puts on a strong exterior.

[Rainbowlove]

This guy thinks he can save her by being there for her and sticking his man parts in her.

 

He is her white knight in shining armor.

 

If you really felt the connection and love you claim to for this OW, you could never hide it from your wife.

 

When I realized I fell in love with my OW, during the friendship/EA stage, I felt so much anxiety around my wife knowing I loved someone else I couldn't breathe around her.

 

It took two weeks of my knowing the truth to pass through my lips to my wife's ears.

 

It then took 14 months to work out. Me leaving and returning to my wife.

 

Do you know what saved my marriage after all the crap I put my wife through? HONESTY!

 

If you want to get out of this and end it before it blows up in your face, come clean.

 

But then again, I was honest with my wife before I ever kissed my OW. You might be screwed now.

 

Your wife deserves better.

 

You screwed up your life.

[elaine567]

You, if you are honest, want to stay with your wife yet have an exciting OW on the side.

 

That long-term OW usually needs to be subservient, a bit naive and to be prepared to put up with anything just to keep you on side.

Many OW get used to spending significant and special days alone, they believe the future faking from the MM, they believe the "I need to stay for the children", they accept they are second best, they take any crumbs thrown in their direction, because they fool themselves that they are "special" that the MM really loves only them, but it is circumstances that get in the way of them being together forever.

It may suit that type of OW to be stamped on and used, she is a tragic heroine after all and something, anything, is better than nothing from the love of her life.

 

BUT here you have become involved with a woman who is showing she is no pushover, she showed she will not put up with being cast aside on Valentine's whilst you show your "room mate" wife how much you love her.

And that is why this is destined for a d-day and not an affair you can hide in the closet for the next umpteen years.

If you want a long term OW who won't rock any boats, then do not choose a strong, powerful woman.

Sure, she is going through the mill with her ex just now, but once she gets into her stride again and if you are still hanging in there, then your wife will be informed one way or another.

[anika99]

You, if you are honest, want to stay with your wife yet have an exciting OW on the side.

 

BUT here you have become involved with a woman who is showing she is no pushover, she showed she will not put up with being cast aside on Valentine's whilst you show your "room mate" wife how much you love her.

And that is why this is destined for a d-day and not an affair you can hide in the closet for the next umpteen years.

If you want a long term OW who won't rock any boats, then do not choose a strong, powerful woman.

Sure, she is going through the mill with her ex just now, but once she gets into her stride again and if you are still hanging in there, then your wife will be informed one way or another.

 

Actually I don't see this OW's actions as strong. A strong woman makes a decision and sticks to it. Their break up lasted all of about 3 days. She attempted to manipulate the situation by breaking up with him and when that didn't give her the reaction she was looking for she came running back to him even though nothing has changed and he still has no plans to leave his wife. That is being a push over. That is something that weak women do. All talk and drama but no follow through.