Affair Partner broke it off - I feel sick

[loveboid]

you can't leave her because she wouldn't cope, but you think if you tell her she'll leave.

 

Yeah, I agree this is a contradiction. OP, the fact is your wife would be fine without you. Are you sure you're just not projecting your fears of coping onto your wife?

 

Another fear men have is vindictive wives who will try to take more than their fair share in court.

 

Maybe it isn't that you love your wife more than OW. Maybe you're more scared of angering your wife than angering your OW.

[Popsicle]

I think there may be some suspicions though we obviously keep it professional at the office.

 

Frankly, she tells me she wants to keep it non-romantic. But tonight, she left me a couple texts saying good night and with a smilie face. So obviously, she is confused as to what she really wants with me. Fact is, I do view her romantically and I will not stop doing so because I cannot help it. I do realize how heartbreaking the situation is which is why I wish we could really go full on NC, but we can't. I'm trying to limit my interactions outside of work now.

 

That's fair. It'll happen. You both are smart

[Rainbowlove]

I'm not scared to be with her. I have hesitation obviously due to my marriage, and also the fact that she has been acting erratically, although it may be understandable due to all the drama.

 

Fact is, if she was single and so was I, when we had met, I would've done everything I can to make her mine.

 

How do you think your wife would feel to here this news?

 

I think you are making a grave mistake.

 

I was in a very similar situation. Except I was honest with my wife. I told her I had fallen in love with my OW once I realized I was having an EA, as was my AP with her husband.

 

There is no honor or respect for anyone with how you are behaving. If you truly felt that way about your OW, how can you even look your wife in the eyes without feeling like the biggest a hole?

 

Also, how can this OW respect you?

 

You do not have children. There is nothing keeping you. You want your cake and eat it too.

 

Time to choose. If you choose your wife, fess up and gain some self respect back.

 

If you choose your OW, fess up and gain some self respect back.

 

You'll realize you will begin to like yourself less as this goes on.

 

If you are NC, stay NC for all involved.

[truncated]

You say that the ow was really young when she met and went on to marry her husband who was abusive? Now she's left him and wants to be with you?

 

It sounds like she needs some time on her own to really figure out who she is and what she wants in her life. this is not a knock against her. It simply means that she may not even know herself yet and what she wants from life. She needs some time on her own to breathe and grow, and figure out who she is.

 

Whether you chose to stay married or not shouldn't be a factor in her life right now. If you care for her, you'l let her go to have the time she needs to learn more about herself. Should she do that and then find that she is still in love with you, thn maybe there is somethin there. If she moves on and finds that she likes be single, then the love she had for you may have been based more on the situation she was in and not anything long lasting.

[Mal78]

Well we don't get many on this side of the fence posting.

 

I think, this post should be pinned for the OW who come here trying to break it off with their MM for similar reasons.

 

Did you give this OW *any* indication/hope that once she left her marriage that you would leave yours?

 

I imagine you have professed your love and admiration for her on many occasions. She was betting on this relationship and I believe you broke her heart with the real (and very statistically standard) reality that you will not leave your wife.

 

You want both worlds. Your OW has come to the realization that she can't handle being the OW. Respect her. Let her find someone who will love her with their whole heart and won't emotionally abuse her... apparently she has two too many men doing this to her in her life.

 

You love her? Accept she deserves way better.

[stillafool]

Thank you. I'm staying with my wife because I really love her as a person, even if I feel like she's become just a good friend. I can't imagine not taking care of her through the years, and making sure she is doing ok. I think about her being left alone and not being able to take care of her, and it makes me sick.

 

.

 

Is your wife ill? From this post you make her sound as if she has a disability and can't take care of herself. If this is not the case perhaps you should tell your wife how you feel about this other woman. If you don't feel passion in your marriage I can assure you neither does your wife. Who is to say she will be left lonely for the rest of her life. Does she work?

[Biere123]

Well we don't get many on this side of the fence posting.

 

Did you give this OW *any* indication/hope that once she left her marriage that you would leave yours?

 

 

Does this change things Mal78? What happens if either one did?

[anika99]

No we do not have children. Yes, I do believe she will leave.

 

This says it all. OP you started this thread painting this picture of a needy helpless wife who would not survive the end of your marriage. Made it sound like she would just turn into a bag lady wandering the streets wearing rags with a crazed look in her eyes and you couldn't bear the thought of it. But now you say if she knew what you were doing she would just leave.

 

 

So as I suspected you are not making some great sacrifice by staying married. You are not doing keeping the affair secret for your wife's sake or her well being. You are hanging onto your wife for YOURSELF. You are the one who is afraid to give up your marriage and you are afraid of losing your wife.

 

 

Your wife is not helpless and your OW is not helpless. Yet you seem to think both of them would be absolutely incompetent without you. Your OW is foolishly handing you the credit for changing her life while in fact you haven't done anything. Shame that your OW gives all of her power to men. She thinks she was controlled by her abusive husband and helpless to do anything about it until you rescued her, but you didn't rescue her, she rescued herself and then gave you the credit. She needs to be alone so she can learn to appreciate her own strength and ability and stop looking at men as all powerful beings who control her and her actions.

 

 

You need to get some courage. Yes the only one who lacks courage in this mess you. You make it sound like both your OW and your wife are helpless beings but you are actually the big fraidy cat in this situation. Either get all the way into your marriage or get all the way out of it.

[Cinnimon]

You say that the ow was really young when she met and went on to marry her husband who was abusive? Now she's left him and wants to be with you?

 

It sounds like she needs some time on her own to really figure out who she is and what she wants in her life. this is not a knock against her. It simply means that she may not even know herself yet and what she wants from life. She needs some time on her own to breathe and grow, and figure out who she is.

 

Whether you chose to stay married or not shouldn't be a factor in her life right now. If you care for her, you'l let her go to have the time she needs to learn more about herself. Should she do that and then find that she is still in love with you, thn maybe there is somethin there. If she moves on and finds that she likes be single, then the love she had for you may have been based more on the situation she was in and not anything long lasting.

I don't think he said that she left her husband and wants to be with him. He said that the ow husband had left her trying to manipulate her. He says the reason for his post is because his OW told him she didn't want to continue a romantic relationship with him after spending Valentine's Day alone while thinking of him with his wife.

Actually I don't think the OW has ever even asked mm to leave his wife for her, unless I missed it.

[pheonixrisen]

Posts: 8,642

 

Quote:

 

Originally Posted by*obtuseedge*

 

Thank you. I'm staying with my wife because I really love her as a person, even if I feel like she's become just a good friend.*I can't imagine not taking care of her through the years, and making sure she is doing ok. I think about her being left alone and not being able to take care of her, and it makes me sick

 

 

The only person your wife needs to be protected from is you...since you are suppose to have her back when she is not looking ...what you are doing to her is far worse what anyone else can do ...you think she will never find out these things have a way of coming out ...my h thought the same ...I accidentally found out ...you say your ow is up and down ..she is playing nice now what happens when she does not want to play nice anymore.....

 

You say you have deep passionate soul mate kind of love with your ow ...that's holds huge weight compared to I love my wife as a person and want to take care of her unless you are leaving your wife for her it's all bulls hit. ..you are just another self entitled mm who thinks he is saving 2 damsel in distress.get over your self.

[privategal]

The more I read the less I feel sorry for you. Now that she is free she sees she is in a hopeless situation where she will never get a Valentine's date and be the only one for you.

You say you love your wife a thousand times so get over it then? Be with your wife.

Its not romantic or sweet to see a grown man all "confused" over a black and white situation.

Your a goid friend? Your xap said it? But basically she made her choice that she wants to let you be married and stop dabbling in a dead end situation.

If you wont leave your simply using her to fulfill a gap in your martiage that you wont fill yourself. All this Im scared Im torn I cant talk to my wife I will always love ap....its just useless.

Get a new job. And get ahold of yourself. Even if she didn't end it what is your endgame? To be stuck like this and expect unconditional love forever from a now single xap?

Its not fair. And your starting to sound whiney. Let her get on with her life you dont get to keep both. This is ridiculous. Frankly YOU should've ended it and made at least one firm decision. Stop this drama and romanticising. It wont work if your married and its your problen the passion has ended. Your not 15 grow up and get out of this pitiful bed you made and take action. You have a job to do and a wife to tend to. Splash some cold water on your face and get your life back together without your xap. Friendship isnt owed. And your not friends your x lovers. The friendship was a side effect of sexual bonding. Its a farce. Stop complicating. End this.

[love1336x]

You can't ride two horses with one butt.

 

You reached your decision, and she has got her. I am certain she still want to to be your friend because she still hopes more will occur...

 

If anything if you actually love your wife and don't desire to hurt her... then you know.. Stick with her, but leave this other woman alone. She appears to have genuine feelings for you, but if you can't grant her what she desires, and so leave her be.

 

 

 

In life you're invariably dying to have some type of pain toward a person, the decision now is up to you? Who do you want to not hurt? Because you're also hurting the other woman when you don't desire to give up your wife, but yet desire to play pretend in a relationship that's might never pass because you're afraid of the result.

 

 

I say, leave your wife. Gamble. What's the worse that can happen?

[Mal78]

Does this change things Mal78? What happens if either one did?

 

It's just that it's more common for wives to leave their spouses for their AP. It seems this was the case, or at least she was given the extra encouragement from the OP. That might have included him making promises or at least hinted he too will leave his wife so they can be together.

 

What does it change? He "future-faked" her and now that he isn't holding up his end she is done yet the OP isn't. He still wants both his wife and AP, leaving her AP in limbo or stringing her along so he can still get what he wants.

 

I DO NOT believe that he has made it clear the whole time he has no intentions ever to leave his wife for his AP and that she should get that out of her pretty little head.

[GollumsNightmare]

You were her "knight in shining armor" and you loved that. What an ego boost. I bet she even called you "Prince Charming". Am I right?

 

This whole scenario is such a freaking cliche. I know it because I have lived it. My husband and I had been married for 29 years, the passion had dwindled, we had an empty nest. He worked all of the time so I found I began to work and volunteer all of the time, too. We spent hardly any time together. Things were pleasant when we were together and the sex was very good, though not nearly as frequent as it could have been. We were living more as roommates than as a truly involved married couple. My husband was in a depression/midlife crisis due to his job, his place in life, our empty nest and our treading water marriage. We were in a rut.

 

Enter OW. She was in a crappy marriage. Her husband was abusive. She worked with my H. Innocent texts were sent at first to test out the water. Over time it built up to near constant texting between them. I'm not blaming it all on her. He jumped at the attention and affection. As he put it, she was the "spark" that lifted him out of his depression. The same depression that I noticed and gave him space to work out. (Stupid mistake. The "space" gave him more time for the affair.) He also loved being told how wonderful he was almost constantly and how he compared so favorably to the mean old husband she had at home. He began telling her the same things as well. The illicit nature of the affair and the sneaking around to see each other stirred things up to the point they couldnt wait to be with each other. It was a very anticipation based affair.

 

This went on for a few months. He told her repeatedly that he didnt know why he was doing it, he loved his wife. He also told her he wouldn't leave me. (These are all HER words) He elaborated to me after it all hit the fan that he told her he had to take care of me...he didnt want to hurt our grown son...that we didn't or rarely slept together...blah blah blah.

 

Well, I walked in on them. It blew my world apart. BUT, in the first moments, I knew that while we still had affection for each other, our marriage had not been what it could be for quite some time. I told him I loved him and we could work this out. Oh, hell yeah, there were moments of anger...lots of moments of anger. I smashed nearly all of our pottery and china. We had to work our BUTTS off to get things back on track through lots of counseling, lots of talks, lots of angry discussions, lots of crying and lots of truth telling about where we went wrong over the years.

 

The non-negotiable for me was they could NOT work together anymore. It took awhile, but eventually they no longer worked together.

 

We are now 16 months out. We have the best marriage of our 30 years together. Our sex life is amazing (11-12 times per week on average). We are extremely romantic. We are fully present in each other's lives. We spend almost all of our free time together, working out, taking dance lessons, going to sporting events, cuddling on the couch, hiking, biking, reading books together, etc. We just had the most romantic Valentine's Day of our relationship. We are happy.

 

In the recovery of the affair he was shocked as I came clean about an affair decades ago. I am a BS but I have been an OW, too, so I totally understood how the affair could happen.

 

Our adult son is aware of what happened and so proud of how far we have come to fix our marriage.

 

I survived a near fatal bout of pneumonia and sepsis over the holidays. My husband was so attuned to me again, he literally saved my life. He spent every minute with me in ICU. Now, he has just been diagnosed with an aggressive prostate cancer. I will be by his side through the whole thing. We are a team again.

 

He has found I am not as weak as he thought I was. He does not have to "take care of me". It turns out I am far stronger than he ever dreamed, but I am quite the fighter, too. He found that when he put the time and effort he was putting into the affair back into his marriage, "what I was looking for was right here in front of me all along". I found out the same thing,

 

I just wanted to give you another side to the story. Your relationship may not be able to survive an affair. Your wife may indeed show you how strong she really is and kick you to the curb. I certainly gave my husband the option of going to the OW if that is what he wanted. He found he wanted to fight for his marriage. For a good year, we fought HARD for the marriage and for each other.

 

The only way for that to work is to get help and to go absolutely NC with the OW. That is the only fair thing to do. My husband's OW was in an exit affair in her mind. She was ready to leave her marriage before the affair ever started. It was only fair for him to end things with her completely so she could take her next steps in life and find someone that could be a true partner for her, not an illusion of a "Prince Charming". It turns out that she is in a stronger place, too.

[stillmind]

She probably broke up with you to try and force you to make a decision. Who breaks up with someone and then turns around and says they want to maintain a deep emotional friendship connection etc? Come on. This is high school manipulation tactics. She broke up with you hoping you would realize you had to leave your marriage, you refused, she's not strong enough to ACTUALLY break up with you so now she's crawling back into your good graces.

 

You'll have her back as your quiet obedient mistress within a week and your poor helpless feeble passionless wife won't know so don't worry, you'll have things right back where you want them in no time.

[Cinnimon]

Actually I did. MM FINALLY , told me point blank he wasn't leaving , something about duty and obligation, he had to stay so he wouldn't upset his daughter, blah blah blah. But he still loves me deeply and didn't want to lose me.

SO I said okay well , I'll stay, but no more romance, we'll just be friends, no more future faking, no more you are my soulmate just talk about our jobs , the weather , pets, you know just friend stuff. But he didn't want that. He wanted the romance, he didn't want me to persue other relationships, he didn't want to understand and endure while I was out with someone else. That was only supposed to be what I was to do for him.

So I broke it off with him.

[redrock1]

I am a married man. I am in my mid 30s, my wife and I have been together for a decade. Our relationship for the last few years have been ok, but it has been without passion. We've pretty much settled into our routines.

 

Last year in June, a new colleague joined our office. She was an extremely beautiful woman, kind, and intelligent. We started to partner in a project, which was arranged by a third party, and the chemistry between us was extremely intense. She was also married, but I eventually came to find out that her husband was very emotionally abusive and suffered from substance abuse issues. We eventually became extremely close and we communicated throughout the days, every day. I honestly have to say that I never loved any one so deeply.

 

It was an emotional affair for a very long time, until late November, which crossed the physical line. However, though we came close, we never had sex. Eventually she decided to file for legal separation from her husband and through many battles which I supported her emotionally in, they finally split. She had wanted us to be together, but I told her that I couldn't leave my wife, because I cared deeply for her even though our marriage did not have passion.

 

As of yesterday, she told me that she wants to break the affair off. She wants to continue to be close but not in a romantic way. I understand why she is doing this, however, it doesn't change the fact that I feel extreme pain and grief inside. I have thought about leaving my wife, but honestly, I care very deeply for my wife and I want to take care of her, and leaving her would destroy her. I am also aware of the issue of affair fog and am afraid I am not thinking with my right mind.

 

I am not here to ask for forgiveness or to get lectured, I just feel extreme pain right now and I need to let it out.

 

Hi friend~

 

I just caught your post and wanted to hop on here. I'm sorry you're struggling so much right now with your relationships, but it sounds like you may be ready to start working on your marriage again. And I'm sure others have suggested this, but I think some counseling may be really key for you and your wife right now. Perhaps you could get to the bottom of why you've been growing apart and start reconnecting and rebuilding. Also, I'm sure a counselor could help you work through the pain you're experiencing right now over the break-up of this relationship with another woman. So, just something to think about. In the meantime, hang in there and know you're in someone's thoughts and prayers.

 

redrock1

#girlluvs2garden#

[Babs22]

You were her "knight in shining armor" and you loved that. What an ego boost. I bet she even called you "Prince Charming". Am I right?

 

This whole scenario is such a freaking cliche. I know it because I have lived it. My husband and I had been married for 29 years, the passion had dwindled, we had an empty nest. He worked all of the time so I found I began to work and volunteer all of the time, too. We spent hardly any time together. Things were pleasant when we were together and the sex was very good, though not nearly as frequent as it could have been. We were living more as roommates than as a truly involved married couple. My husband was in a depression/midlife crisis due to his job, his place in life, our empty nest and our treading water marriage. We were in a rut.

 

Enter OW. She was in a crappy marriage. Her husband was abusive. She worked with my H. Innocent texts were sent at first to test out the water. Over time it built up to near constant texting between them. I'm not blaming it all on her. He jumped at the attention and affection. As he put it, she was the "spark" that lifted him out of his depression. The same depression that I noticed and gave him space to work out. (Stupid mistake. The "space" gave him more time for the affair.) He also loved being told how wonderful he was almost constantly and how he compared so favorably to the mean old husband she had at home. He began telling her the same things as well. The illicit nature of the affair and the sneaking around to see each other stirred things up to the point they couldnt wait to be with each other. It was a very anticipation based affair.

 

This went on for a few months. He told her repeatedly that he didnt know why he was doing it, he loved his wife. He also told her he wouldn't leave me. (These are all HER words) He elaborated to me after it all hit the fan that he told her he had to take care of me...he didnt want to hurt our grown son...that we didn't or rarely slept together...blah blah blah.

 

Well, I walked in on them. It blew my world apart. BUT, in the first moments, I knew that while we still had affection for each other, our marriage had not been what it could be for quite some time. I told him I loved him and we could work this out. Oh, hell yeah, there were moments of anger...lots of moments of anger. I smashed nearly all of our pottery and china. We had to work our BUTTS off to get things back on track through lots of counseling, lots of talks, lots of angry discussions, lots of crying and lots of truth telling about where we went wrong over the years.

 

The non-negotiable for me was they could NOT work together anymore. It took awhile, but eventually they no longer worked together.

 

We are now 16 months out. We have the best marriage of our 30 years together. Our sex life is amazing (11-12 times per week on average). We are extremely romantic. We are fully present in each other's lives. We spend almost all of our free time together, working out, taking dance lessons, going to sporting events, cuddling on the couch, hiking, biking, reading books together, etc. We just had the most romantic Valentine's Day of our relationship. We are happy.

 

In the recovery of the affair he was shocked as I came clean about an affair decades ago. I am a BS but I have been an OW, too, so I totally understood how the affair could happen.

 

Our adult son is aware of what happened and so proud of how far we have come to fix our marriage.

 

I survived a near fatal bout of pneumonia and sepsis over the holidays. My husband was so attuned to me again, he literally saved my life. He spent every minute with me in ICU. Now, he has just been diagnosed with an aggressive prostate cancer. I will be by his side through the whole thing. We are a team again.

 

He has found I am not as weak as he thought I was. He does not have to "take care of me". It turns out I am far stronger than he ever dreamed, but I am quite the fighter, too. He found that when he put the time and effort he was putting into the affair back into his marriage, "what I was looking for was right here in front of me all along". I found out the same thing,

 

I just wanted to give you another side to the story. Your relationship may not be able to survive an affair. Your wife may indeed show you how strong she really is and kick you to the curb. I certainly gave my husband the option of going to the OW if that is what he wanted. He found he wanted to fight for his marriage. For a good year, we fought HARD for the marriage and for each other.

 

The only way for that to work is to get help and to go absolutely NC with the OW. That is the only fair thing to do. My husband's OW was in an exit affair in her mind. She was ready to leave her marriage before the affair ever started. It was only fair for him to end things with her completely so she could take her next steps in life and find someone that could be a true partner for her, not an illusion of a "Prince Charming". It turns out that she is in a stronger place, too.

 

GollumsNightmare, Wow! Thanks for sharing your story. It was a good one and I am glad that you and your husband used his affair as a means to make your marriage even better and stronger than before. I am a MOW, but still found your story moving. I am certain that my marriage is ending, and cannot be rebuilt like yours, but I am also certain that my Married OM is also not leaving his wife. It took me a long time to figure that out. We have been together two years, slow learner I guess. While we were together, My Married OM was diagnosed with prostate cancer, luckily not aggressive. He had surgery 15 months ago and we are still working on his ED rehab. He has come a long way. Maybe that is why I was with him, to do the rehab with him. I wish you much luck. I know what a battle you are facing. If you haven't found it yet, look up ladies prostate forum.org. Its for ladies only and can be of great support to you.

[GollumsNightmare]

Thanks so much, Babs! My biggest fear is that probable side effects from the surgery (ED) will lead to a depression for him again. We meet with a surgeon tomorrow. Ugh, it is going to be a tough ride. Thanks for the forum suggestion. I am headed there now.

[obtuseedge]

Thanks all for your input. Just to clarify, YES, I've always made it clear to the OW that I did not plan to leave my wife. However, I did let her know the situation with my marriage, that I love and care for my wife but we have not had much passion for a long time, and she has introduced a great deal of that into my life, and this is the truth.

 

I am going to focus on rebuilding my marriage. And I understand that if I keep prolonging a romantic relationship with the OW, it would hurt her ultimately. Honestly, I have not told her this, but there has been many times when I've considered leaving my marriage to join her. But I honestly can't let go of the bond and history I've had with my wife, and also the thing is, my career is on an upward trajectory and I'd like my wife to be there with me if I achieve success, so those are the main reasons why I'd like to stay with my wife.

 

At the same time, my AP has started to confide to me again about the ongoing issues with her husband, or soon to be ex-husband and the antics/drama he is causing. She has stated that she needs me to be there, and I will try to be supportive of her as she goes through this as I'm the only person she feels comfortable talking about her ex-husband's issues with. However, we've both agreed to try to be regular friends and not romantic in order to keep both of our minds sane through all this.

 

Thanks to those who have given heartfelt advice.

[obtuseedge]

She probably broke up with you to try and force you to make a decision. Who breaks up with someone and then turns around and says they want to maintain a deep emotional friendship connection etc? Come on. This is high school manipulation tactics. She broke up with you hoping you would realize you had to leave your marriage, you refused, she's not strong enough to ACTUALLY break up with you so now she's crawling back into your good graces.

 

You'll have her back as your quiet obedient mistress within a week and your poor helpless feeble passionless wife won't know so don't worry, you'll have things right back where you want them in no time.

 

You may be right. However, I do not want to use her or hurt her. I have never let her on about our situation. And the situation with her splitting with her husband has happened so quickly and suddenly, he literally moved out two weeks ago and that was in the middle of a giant fight they had.

 

I do really care about the OW, and that's why I think her decision to be not romantic is probably best. However, you may be right about the possibility that she may have been trying to force the issue. She's never outright told me to leave my wife, but she has hinted that she foresees a situation with us together, and that was before things got physical months ago, and I told her then that I did not EVER plan to leave my marriage. She took that hard then, but our feelings didn't stop growing.

[Breathtaking]

Ow here. Who are you kidding believing your are this woman's friend? A friend would never place her in the role of an OW and a true friend would advise against having an affair. 2 strikes already and you call yourself her friend.

It will now be an emotional affair with all the physical passion still brewing. You need to leave this woman alone and enforce strict NC, even at work. You speak, it should be cold, cool, and business related.

She needs to move on and find her OWN happiness and you are a roadblock regardless if you claim it is only a friendship. With friends like this who needs enemies. You are toxic to this woman. You want to revel in all your glories in life with your wife and not the OW. Repeat after me you are not her friend. She will be better off without you in her life. Let her find a great man to not only share great passion with but also great fortunes. Good luck to you.

[whichwayisup]

 

At the same time, my AP has started to confide to me again about the ongoing issues with her husband, or soon to be ex-husband and the antics/drama he is causing. She has stated that she needs me to be there, and I will try to be supportive of her as she goes through this as I'm the only person she feels comfortable talking about her ex-husband's issues with. However, we've both agreed to try to be regular friends and not romantic in order to keep both of our minds sane through all this.

 

Thanks to those who have given heartfelt advice.

 

Ob, you can't still be her friend. The affair is over and any friendship will confuse her, lead her on and also it'll prevent you from reconnecting with your wife. The (ex)OW has to do this on her own. You can't be there to hold her hand and help her through her divorce. She is too clingy and attached and the only way to get her to back off is to make clear boundaries. I know you don't want to hurt her, but you have to tell her to confide in someone else, it's time for her to rely on other friends and her family. You can't be 'the one' she opens up to and relies on during this time.

 

No way can you end an affair and then quickly turn it into a platonic friendship. You (both) are fooling yourselves if you truly believe this! It won't work.

[FusionCutter]

You may be right. However, I do not want to use her or hurt her. I have never let her on about our situation. And the situation with her splitting with her husband has happened so quickly and suddenly, he literally moved out two weeks ago and that was in the middle of a giant fight they had.

 

I do really care about the OW, and that's why I think her decision to be not romantic is probably best. However, you may be right about the possibility that she may have been trying to force the issue. She's never outright told me to leave my wife, but she has hinted that she foresees a situation with us together, and that was before things got physical months ago, and I told her then that I did not EVER plan to leave my marriage. She took that hard then, but our feelings didn't stop growing.

 

If you truly care about your OW.. stay away from her. You're not good for her, as long as you are still married.

[dubliner]

At the same time, my AP has started to confide to me again about the ongoing issues with her husband, or soon to be ex-husband and the antics/drama he is causing. She has stated that she needs me to be there, and I will try to be supportive of her as she goes through this as I'm the only person she feels comfortable talking about her ex-husband's issues with. However, we've both agreed to try to be regular friends and not romantic in order to keep both of our minds sane through

.

 

The problem is, you can't 'be there' for her, not truly.

Can she call on you in the evenings when she's hit a low? Can she visit you at home and talk openly about her problems in front of your wife?

I'm guessing not.

She's most likely a secret friend, confined to the compartment of things your wife doesn't know about you, how can that be a regular friend? That's deceit. That's not honest open friendship, and when she needs you to be there for her and it's not 'the appropriate time' according to the rules of this so called friendship, she will hurt. You will cause her only pain by agreeing to this.