Affair Partner broke it off - I feel sick

[stillmind]

You may be right. However, I do not want to use her or hurt her. I have never let her on about our situation. And the situation with her splitting with her husband has happened so quickly and suddenly, he literally moved out two weeks ago and that was in the middle of a giant fight they had.

 

I do really care about the OW, and that's why I think her decision to be not romantic is probably best. However, you may be right about the possibility that she may have been trying to force the issue. She's never outright told me to leave my wife, but she has hinted that she foresees a situation with us together, and that was before things got physical months ago, and I told her then that I did not EVER plan to leave my marriage. She took that hard then, but our feelings didn't stop growing.

 

If you care about her you need to enforce boundaries and not be her shoulder to cry on. She needs friends she can rely on, not a man who keeps her as a dirty little secret.

 

She has fallen from one abusive relationship into another ... telling her woes to a man who keeps her hidden, to a "friend" who can't openly be her friend and refuses to share his life with her. Good grief. She needs her true friends and family now, not another man to degrade her self-worth.

 

You are toxic to her.

[Sassy Girl]

Ow here. Who are you kidding believing your are this woman's friend? A friend would never place her in the role of an OW and a true friend would advise against having an affair. 2 strikes already and you call yourself her friend.

It will now be an emotional affair with all the physical passion still brewing. You need to leave this woman alone and enforce strict NC, even at work. You speak, it should be cold, cool, and business related.

She needs to move on and find her OWN happiness and you are a roadblock regardless if you claim it is only a friendship. With friends like this who needs enemies. You are toxic to this woman. You want to revel in all your glories in life with your wife and not the OW. Repeat after me you are not her friend. She will be better off without you in her life. Let her find a great man to not only share great passion with but also great fortunes. Good luck to you.

 

OW here too...just quietly...what kind of "friend" interjects herself in the middle of her "friend's" marriage. As a "friend" OW should ALSO have advised against an affair. That gate swings both ways. You're projecting. Shes choosing this F'ed up situation just as much as him. In fact Id say the OW is now trying to manipulate the situation...push and pull...tactics to get him to leave his marriage...emotional blackmail...Pfft Friend? Nah...Damsel in distress indeed. Maybe she should put her big girl panties on and sort out her own freaking mess. Find a great man??? I mean, the woman doesn't even have any other friends...whats that about??

 

She went in eyes open. She knew he was married, so that's the risk she took. Shes no victim.

[anika99]

OW here too...just quietly...what kind of "friend" interjects herself in the middle of her "friend's" marriage. As a "friend" OW should ALSO have advised against an affair. That gate swings both ways. You're projecting. Shes choosing this F'ed up situation just as much as him. In fact Id say the OW is now trying to manipulate the situation...push and pull...tactics to get him to leave his marriage...emotional blackmail...Pfft Friend? Nah...Damsel in distress indeed. Maybe she should put her big girl panties on and sort out her own freaking mess. Find a great man??? I mean, the woman doesn't even have any other friends...whats that about??

 

She went in eyes open. She knew he was married, so that's the risk she took. Shes no victim.

 

 

Very true. The OP has repeatedly stated that he never led the OW to believe he would ever leave his marriage. They both agreed to have an affair and just because the OW decided to divorce doesn't mean he has an obligation to do the same. And in this specific situation it's the OW insisting that he has to remain in her life as a friend, not the OP. They are equally responsible for the situation they find themselves in. The OP is not the evil villain and the OW is not an innocent princess.

[Pinklotus]

I echo the others who say you cannot be friends. It just keeps this thing going for both of you.

 

It sounds like you have a good marriage. You can't compare apples to oranges. An affair is not subject to the same strains and stresses that a marriage is. You and your wife live together, deal with the ups and downs and mundane issues of life together. Your affair is a passionate fling fueled by secrecy and drama. You've admitted you already see flaws in your AP...imagine what it might be like to live with her!

 

Stop investing any emotion and time in your AP. Not good for her or you. You need to invest in your marriage. I am a proponent of honesty and that means confessing, with the help of a marriage counselor if needed. Your wife deserves the truth and you can't have real intimacy with her if you keep secrets. Another thing...keeping her in the dark only reinforces this image you seem to have of her as week and you as strong. You seem to have cast yourself as the knight in shining armor for both your wife and your AP. Not a healthy thing IMO. Respect them both as grown women and do the right thing.

 

Whichever relationship you invest in will be the one that grows. You've made your choice, now do it!!!!!

[Cinnimon]

No where in this post have I found one word of OW asking him to leave his marriage for him. SHE, not HE, asked that the romantic stuff stop. HE is the one who had a problem with it if were only be platonic. Just trying to keep the facts straight.

[elaine567]

I mean, the woman doesn't even have any other friends...whats that about??

 

It is the usual scenario for victims of abuse, and the OW here has an abusive controlling husband.

a) the abuser isolates the victim from her friends and family, either directly by refusing to let her spend time with them or even contact them, or indirectly by, making scenes and making so much trouble for the victim, that the victim who may be ashamed and/or terrified chooses to keep herself away from friends and family so as not to upset the abuser.

b) the effects of the abuse on the victim's mental health and self esteem means she gets depressed and self-isolates.

[minimariah]

OW here too...just quietly...what kind of "friend" interjects herself in the middle of her "friend's" marriage.

 

trust when i say this - NO ONE interjects themselves where they aren't wanted. that being said, the OW didn't interject herself in the OP's marriage. he invited her in.

 

As a "friend" OW should ALSO have advised against an affair.

 

why? as a friend - you are supposed to want your friend to be happy. so why should she advise him AGAINST something that would make her friend happy?

 

Shes choosing this F'ed up situation just as much as him.

 

only she isn't - she broke up with him and got herself out. of course she doesn't want to lose him because she clearly relies on him a lot. that doesn't at all mean that she's trying to manipulate him into leaving his wife. she is just looking for some support and trying not to lose the one person who helped her leave her abusive marriage. it might be selfish... but it's expected.

[Cinnimon]

trust when i say this - NO ONE interjects themselves where they aren't wanted. that being said, the OW didn't interject herself in the OP's marriage. he invited her in.

 

 

 

why? as a friend - you are supposed to want your friend to be happy. so why should she advise him AGAINST something that would make her friend happy?

 

 

 

only she isn't - she broke up with him and got herself out. of course she doesn't want to lose him because she clearly relies on him a lot. that doesn't at all mean that she's trying to manipulate him into leaving his wife. she is just looking for some support and trying not to lose the one person who helped her leave her abusive marriage. it might be selfish... but it's expected.

No more selfish than MM trying to use her to fill the void of passion in his marriage if you ask me.

Edited February 18, 2015 by Cinnimon
Misspelling

[stillafool]

If you truly care about your OW.. stay away from her. You're not good for her, as long as you are still married.

 

I agree but you are also not good for your wife. Confess to her what you have been doing and let her decide if she wants to stay with a cheater. She deserves someone who truly loves her which is not you. You just want to keep your pride to impress your work associates. Let her decide about her life. Like I said before if you don't feel passion in your marriage you can bet she doesn't either and is just as bored with sex with you as you are with her. She more than likely daydreams about sex with other men.

[Purepony]

If he tells his wife this will open another door and then the op will really be confused

[Breathtaking]

OW here too...just quietly...what kind of "friend" interjects herself in the middle of her "friend's" marriage. As a "friend" OW should ALSO have advised against an affair. That gate swings both ways. You're projecting. Shes choosing this F'ed up situation just as much as him. In fact Id say the OW is now trying to manipulate the situation...push and pull...tactics to get him to leave his marriage...emotional blackmail...Pfft Friend? Nah...Damsel in distress indeed. Maybe she should put her big girl panties on and sort out her own freaking mess. Find a great man??? I mean, the woman doesn't even have any other friends...whats that about??

 

She went in eyes open. She knew he was married, so that's the risk she took. Shes no victim.

 

I gave sound advice because the man who was asking for advice believes his friendship is a great idea for the OW. He did not ask if we thought his OW was a good friend to him. If and when he does, I will be sure to address it. You do not know me to decide for yourself I am projecting. And yes, I hope she finds a great man. What problem do you have with her finding a great man? Are you somehow the greatest OW ever that you have to offend the rest?

[anika99]

If he tells his wife this will open another door and then the op will really be confused

 

 

How will it open another door for him? Actually his wife will help him reduce his options which should lessen his confusion. Either his wife will demand no contact with the OW and to work on the marriage or she will end the marriage and set the OP free to chase the OW. Telling his wife will help the OP make a final decision

[Sassy Girl]

I gave sound advice because the man who was asking for advice believes his friendship is a great idea for the OW. He did not ask if we thought his OW was a good friend to him. If and when he does, I will be sure to address it. You do not know me to decide for yourself I am projecting. And yes, I hope she finds a great man. What problem do you have with her finding a great man? Are you somehow the greatest OW ever that you have to offend the rest?

 

My point was...which you seem to be missing, is that the OW is not a victim, but many of you like to indicate she is. We ALL make our own choices. I made mine, and as crappy as that are or appear, they are mine. I got myself here. Im not a victim, I made a series of choices. Me. I take accountability for my own life. But thanks for the commentary all the same.

 

Poor OW? The only person I feel sorry for here is OPs wife. Some of you are projecting your own experiences onto OW and OP.

 

OP was honest from the start. Never promised her anything. Shes not some poor innocent damsel, manipulated by an indecisive MM... Shes not a victim...however OP seems to respond very well to that kind of mentality (Knight In Shining Armour anyone?)....OW has figured it out and is using it.

 

And breathtaking, your advice indicated that MM should have been a better "friend" by not letting her engage in the affair...He shouldn't have let her take the role of OW...ummm...what? SHE put herself there. There was no gun to her head. Isnt she a grown adult, with her own choices. You cant abdicate all responsibility for that on OP...for that, you are projecting.

 

If you're an OW, and you get involved with a MM, you accept you are not first place - the wife is. The one he shares vows with, a home with, usually a bed, often children and half a lifetime of positive memories associated with all of that. Some are "lucky" that their wonderful cheating MM leave their wives for them, but its rare and seldom successful.

 

Hes not a villain, and she's not a victim.

Edited February 18, 2015 by a LoveShack.org Moderator
Attributed to prior post.

[Chasing_mya]

I understand your pain and I have been there. You are torn and although you would love to be with your XAP you have a loyalty to your wife and don't see yourself giving up your marriage over something that could potentially not be what you thought it was. Just remember that you have to live for you. Your happiness comes first and it will be a great injustice to your wife if you're only with her out of pity, because you feel she won't be able to manage without you. I know the pain you're feeling and please know that in time the hurt will lessen. Wishing you the best!

[Cinnimon]

This whole thread came about by mm posting about his sadness from ow breaking off the romantic stuff. I'm wondering had she not done so if there would be any problem for him at all. I'm not saying she's a victim at all, actually she seems to be showing strength, maybe not the strength that some would want her to show but still, strength. I Think it's unfair to sit here and judge her based on what he says, especially since he himself said she showed signs of wanting more BEFORE he slept with her and that's when he made his declaration that he WOULD NOT be leaving his wife's but I guess he felt the need to "save" her sexually as well as emotionally .

[elaine567]

I get a man in his fifties, sixties. seventies saying he doesn't want to leave a wife of 25+ years for some affair partner; children, grandchildren, a lifetime of memories.

BUT but this OP is in his mid-thirties and is somehow tied to a wife he "loves" but is a little more than a glorified roommate and he wants to take care of her?? What is that all about?

She isn't sixty and disabled, she is in her thirties too I presume and I would think quite capable of looking after herself, especially if she knew her husband was cheating on her.

I guess she would also far rather be free to find someone who does truly love her than some guy who wants to "care" for her without much passion, but his real passion is reserved for his mistress.

 

Pretty sh*tty for the OW too, he would rather stay with a "room mate", than chance it with her...

[Breathtaking]

My point was...which you seem to be missing, is that the OW is not a victim, but many of you like to indicate she is. We ALL make our own choices. I made mine, and as crappy as that are or appear, they are mine. I got myself here. Im not a victim, I made a series of choices. Me. I take accountability for my own life. But thanks for the commentary all the same.

 

Poor OW? The only person I feel sorry for here is OPs wife. Some of you are projecting your own experiences onto OW and OP.

 

OP was honest from the start. Never promised her anything. Shes not some poor innocent damsel, manipulated by an indecisive MM... Shes not a victim...however OP seems to respond very well to that kind of mentality (Knight In Shining Armour anyone?)....OW has figured it out and is using it.

 

And breathtaking, your advice indicated that MM should have been a better "friend" by not letting her engage in the affair...He shouldn't have let her take the role of OW...ummm...what? SHE put herself there. There was no gun to her head. Isnt she a grown adult, with her own choices. You cant abdicate all responsibility for that on OP...for that, you are projecting.

 

If you're an OW, and you get involved with a MM, you accept you are not first place - the wife is. The one he shares vows with, a home with, usually a bed, often children and half a lifetime of positive memories associated with all of that. Some are "lucky" that their wonderful cheating MM leave their wives for them, but its rare and seldom successful.

 

Hes not a villain, and she's not a victim.

 

 

Well then, I suggest you put your big girl panties on and take care of your own marriage before screwing in another's. If you care so much for your affair partner's wife, it seems an extra notch on the devious side to continue on with it. I am sorry but your advice is too contradictory to take seriously. No one should accept being a doormat to another, the good OW. I think it speaks volumes she will no longer put up with it regardless if she demanded a decision on his part. Good for her.

[Breathtaking]

I would like to also add that I stand by my original post. MM you are not her friend. You are toxic to her. This is not a projection but a fact. I do not know his affair partner so I will not assassinate her character. I do not like to tear apart other females.

[minimariah]

My point was...which you seem to be missing, is that the OW is not a victim, but many of you like to indicate she is.

 

first of all... yes, she is a victim. she is a victim of abuse, domestic violence - whatever you want to call it. and second - no one is trying to say she is OP's victim. people simply sympathize with her and her situation.

 

is she not allowed to hope and dream about their possible future together? is she not allowed to be disappointed if it doesn't happen because she "knew what she was getting herself into"? do people really know what they're getting themselves into when they start an affair? i don't think so.

 

Poor OW? The only person I feel sorry for here is OPs wife. Some of you are projecting your own experiences onto OW and OP.

 

you shouldn't feel sorry for anyone in this situation. maybe OP's wife knows what's going on & who she married - i strongly believe people know when they're being cheated on IF they want to know.

 

..however OP seems to respond very well to that kind of mentality (Knight In Shining Armour anyone?)....OW has figured it out and is using it.

 

he definitely has a Savior complex but if it's anyone using it - it's his W. she is the one he is taking care of, won't shatter, won't disappoint, won't leave even though he clearly isn't in love with her & when he's crazy about someone else.

 

the OW didn't really use it, she probably saw him as someone who will help her leave the abuse she was in & it's something that's expected with victims - it is not a manipulation tactic.

 

If you're an OW, and you get involved with a MM, you accept you are not first place - the wife is.

 

no, you don't. there are many OW who get much more than the W & they're definitely not on second place.

 

the OW has every right to ask for whatever she wants - it is up to the MM to set up boundaries. just because you're someone's OW doesn't mean you have to be satisfied with whatever is being thrown your way.

[whichwayisup]

I would like to also add that I stand by my original post. MM you are not her friend. You are toxic to her. This is not a projection but a fact. I do not know his affair partner so I will not assassinate her character. I do not like to tear apart other females.

 

And she isn't his friend either. She's toxic to him and his marriage. Who knows what she is capable of as time goes on? if he does total NC with her and she is as attached and emotional as he says she is, she could very well tell his wife about the affair. People do things and say things they normally wouldn't do when pushed past their emotional limit.

 

Neither of them are victims in this affair, they both went into it willingly...Though she is however a victim of abuse in her marriage.

[Breathtaking]

and she isn't his friend either. She's toxic to him and his marriage. Who knows what she is capable of as time goes on? If he does total nc with her and she is as attached and emotional as he says she is, she could very well tell his wife about the affair. People do things and say things they normally wouldn't do when pushed past their emotional limit.

 

Neither of them are victims in this affair, they both went into it willingly...though she is however a victim of abuse in her marriage.

 

i never said she was a victim!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! She took the bull by the horns and left her husband. Good for her. She is not staying in a bad marriage and using it as an excuse to cheat.

Edited February 19, 2015 by Breathtaking

[Sassy Girl]

Well then, I suggest you put your big girl panties on and take care of your own marriage before screwing in another's. If you care so much for your affair partner's wife, it seems an extra notch on the devious side to continue on with it. I am sorry but your advice is too contradictory to take seriously. No one should accept being a doormat to another, the good OW. I think it speaks volumes she will no longer put up with it regardless if she demanded a decision on his part. Good for her.

 

Thanks for your completely unsolicited advice. I would point out here that we are discussing OPs situation, not mine. When I start a post asking for opinion on my situation, feel free to respond. For now, Id think you'd best be served sticking to the topic. But thanks all the same.

 

Be careful though - your bias is showing.

[ThePerfectJade]

Yes, I have made that clear. I have never let on that I would eventually leave my wife. Initially when we were both having feelings, we tried to fight it, but after several bumps, we both recognized our chemistry was just too strong, this was before we even became physical. At that time, she brought up her wish that we would eventually be together as a "normal" couple, and I told her right away that I could never leave my wife because I care too much about her. She was disappointed then, but afterwards, she focused less and less on "us being together" and more on her leaving her psychotic (truly he is) husband.

 

The situation with her and her husband is this. He is 10 years older, and actually looks even far older than that. She met him as his secretary at his private law firm, she was only 21. He pretty much locked her down and was very over the top in pursuing her, buying her trips, and wining and dining her for the first two years, even though initially she had reservations about him but she was young and naive and figured she'd give him a chance. Since then, he's become extremely controlling, and very emotionally abusive, more than twice a week, he'd have a big blow out and essentially used her as his punching bag. When she entered our company, it was really the first time in 9 years that she had left his circle of control. So that's the situation. For many years, she kept silent and suffered his abuse and dealt with his drug issues alone, until she met me. She literally tells me I was a miracle and I saved her.

 

You are crossing a very thin line with a woman who has been used as a punching bag by an abusive husband. You have been there for her emotionally and physically throughout her ordeal, comforting and consoling her. I do not see how anyone could blame her for perceiving you as her Knight in Shining Armor. I do agree that you are not being a friend knowing this woman suffered terrible abuses and will possibly be dealt a hard blow when this faux friendship implodes. I had a friend like this once before in a set of different circumstances and it benefits no one. This man is a loose cannon. The last thing she needs is for him to find out about you.

[obtuseedge]

Ok. I have read through most of the comments. Perhaps there are some things which I did not explain myself clearly, however, some of the assumptions here are not correct. Let me make some things clear.

 

1. I do not see the OW or my Wife as weak, dependent women. The opposite. Both are VERY STRONG, POWERFUL women. My AP is financially successful, ambitious and has a strong mind. She is also an ex-model and by all objective accounts, she is BREATHTAKINGLY GORGEOUS. She is EXTREMELY charismatic, and a stunning woman. Whenever she enters a room, all male attention is focused on her. I need to describe this, because she has a VERY POWERFUL command of men, and this is part of the reason why her ex-husband was so controlling because he was NOT physically attractive and was very insecure because she commanded so much male attention.

 

My wife is ALSO a beautiful woman, although probably not physically at the same level as my AP. She certainly has no shortage of men hitting on her. She is very attractive. She also has a very strong personality and mind, and although I am the main breadwinner, she certainly speaks her mind and is in no way subservient to me.

 

2. NO, the AP is NOT a victim. I am NOT a villain. I have always been clear from the start that I did not plan to leave my wife. This affair was CONSENSUAL. We both were madly attracted to one another, and through the weeks and months, grew closer and feelings got more intense. IN FACT, SHE is the reason why we ended up together on the project. Yes, I said the arrangement was put together by a third party, only because she was chosen by another partner to work together, however, she insisted that I should be included in our team. I will also mention that in fact, she has told me that from the beginning, she was very transfixed by me, those are her words.

 

3. I do not consider myself a White Knight. I do believe she would've EVENTUALLY left her husband, but it might've been 2 or 3 years down the road. The fact is, and these are her words, that she met me and this catalyzed her realization that her marriage was unhealthy and caused her to leave. She has already been deeply unhappy with the marriage, but meeting me was the catalyst for her decisiveness in leaving him.

 

Anyways, just to give all of you an update. I am extremely confused right now. The fact is, that my AP and I have re-ignited the physical aspect of our affair. She has also revealed to me that the only reason she "broke up" with me the other night was because she was upset at the thought that I was spending Valentine's with my wife, and not her. She has also revealed some very deep and powerful thoughts, stating that it really deeply hurts her to think that we cannot ever have a family together, and that she feels I am her true soulmate and we are destined to be together.

 

I know this situation cannot last forever. I am not trying to keep her as a mistress, that situation cannot last. I feel extremely torn between her and my wife, to the point where it causes me physical pain. I will need to figure this out, and deeply reflect on things.

 

I know what I am doing is not ethical, yet it is a complicated and heart wrenching situation I found myself, perhaps through a combination of laxity in self control, but also because I met a woman of extreme beauty, charisma and chemistry that such powerful feelings were inevitable. Obviously, I have a lot to figure out in the near future.

[stillafool]

Confess to your wife what you have been doing. It is only fair. If you are in love with another woman your wife needs to know. I'm sure she can feel that something is "just not right" with you but keeps putting it to the side. Your wife is in her early thirties just reaching her sexual peak. I'm sure she will meet an extremely handsome, charismatic man who she feels incredible chemistry with as well. What will she do? Let her be free to explore her options as well.