Affair Partner broke it off - I feel sick

[Popsicle]

You may be right. But honestly, I realize no one's perfect, myself included. I have my flaws. I think my wife is a great woman and I don't see her as flawed, we just lack passion in our marriage.

 

If you never had passion in your M in the beginning and still got married, then you need to and will definitely stay married. Once OW's divorce is over, you can cease contact with her. Your feelings will subside in time.

[Cinnimon]

Personally I don't think he should leave his wife. I think he should just stop cheating.

He needs to realize he made a mistake. A HUGE mistake, but...........

He doesn't feel secure enough to go to the OW without reservations which to me is another mistake. For me you either know or you don't. She's either worth the risk or she isn't.

I also feel if he wasn't ready to leave the marriage prior to the affair, he isn't ready now.

I think even though it will hurt the OW ( severely ) it would be best with all that he has revealed.

He said he feels relieved and would cut it off completly if he didn't have to have contact at work. Because he cannot or will not be in a platonic relationship with her.

He said it would hurt him but clearly not more than it would hurt him if he left his wife.

I think it's clear what's going to happen, what needs to happen.

I feel bad that the OW is at such a vulnerable point in her life but maybe it's better that she doesn't get through one breakup that's a nightmare and immediately have to face another one.

IMO, he has made up his mind, it's his heart that's lagging and the fear of pain.

All nothing more than my opinion.

[anika99]

What you say makes sense. I also agree about what may ultimately happen because of the circumstances in which our romance started. I feel like it's set to fail.

 

My wife is definitely physically attractive and sociable too. Undoubtedly, she'd probably find it easy to attract a man.

 

However, I do genuinely love my wife. I may not feel passion and great romance in our relationship, but I genuinely want to make her happy. But you are right that something is missing.

 

 

I didn't say something was missing, the poster before me said that. However I notice that every time someone encourages you to leave your marriage you come back adamant that you love your wife, which makes me think you likely really do love your wife and your are not just sacrificing your life to stay with her out of pity and obligation like you made it sound in your first post. I suspect that you actually love your wife more than you love the OW, but you are caught up in the high that comes along with new romance and deep down you know that your love and attachment to your wife is greater than what you have with the OW and that is why you are so reluctant to entertain the idea of leaving your wife for the OW.

 

 

Unlike the other posters stating that if you let your OW go to stay with your wife you will regret it and possibly resent your wife in the future I actually think the opposite is true. I think you don't love the OW as much as you say you do and I think if you left your wife whom you love to pursue a relationship with the OW, you would be full of regret and the day would come when you would resent your OW.

 

 

Having said all that, I don't know how to advise you because you are determined to stay in your marriage but you can't improve your marriage as long as you are keeping secrets from your wife and carrying on an EA and/or PA with the OW. If you came clean to your wife she would be deeply hurt but she would also most likely agree to counselling and the two of you could finally knock down the walls and really open up to each other and possibly take your mediocre marriage and turn it into a great marriage. But it doesn't sound like you have the courage to do that so it all looks pretty bleak to me no matter what you decide.

[Popsicle]

Having been through a tough divorce, I don't know, I think it's more brutal to go thru two devastating breakup's at once.

[obtuseedge]

Personally I don't think he should leave his wife. I think he should just stop cheating.

He needs to realize he made a mistake. A HUGE mistake, but...........

He doesn't feel secure enough to go to the OW without reservations which to me is another mistake. For me you either know or you don't. She's either worth the risk or she isn't.

I also feel if he wasn't ready to leave the marriage prior to the affair, he isn't ready now.

I think even though it will hurt the OW ( severely ) it would be best with all that he has revealed.

He said he feels relieved and would cut it off completly if he didn't have to have contact at work. Because he cannot or will not be in a platonic relationship with her.

He said it would hurt him but clearly not more than it would hurt him if he left his wife.

I think it's clear what's going to happen, what needs to happen.

I feel bad that the OW is at such a vulnerable point in her life but maybe it's better that she doesn't get through one breakup that's a nightmare and immediately have to face another one.

IMO, he has made up his mind, it's his heart that's lagging and the fear of pain.

All nothing more than my opinion.

 

Well, the fact is that she initiated the "breakup", just recently, after Valentine's day. So I didn't initiate that. However, it is very difficult for me to now accept her as "just a friend", especially when I still have to see her regularly.

 

I have to see how things pan out and whether what we have is genuinely real and not fueled by fantasy. But I will admit, that the chemistry that me and the OW have, I have never experienced before in my life.

[obtuseedge]

I didn't say something was missing, the poster before me said that. However I notice that every time someone encourages you to leave your marriage you come back adamant that you love your wife, which makes me think you likely really do love your wife and your are not just sacrificing your life to stay with her out of pity and obligation like you made it sound in your first post. I suspect that you actually love your wife more than you love the OW, but you are caught up in the high that comes along with new romance and deep down you know that your love and attachment to your wife is greater than what you have with the OW and that is why you are so reluctant to entertain the idea of leaving your wife for the OW.

 

 

Unlike the other posters stating that if you let your OW go to stay with your wife you will regret it and possibly resent your wife in the future I actually think the opposite is true. I think you don't love the OW as much as you say you do and I think if you left your wife whom you love to pursue a relationship with the OW, you would be full of regret and the day would come when you would resent your OW.

 

 

Having said all that, I don't know how to advise you because you are determined to stay in your marriage but you can't improve your marriage as long as you are keeping secrets from your wife and carrying on an EA and/or PA with the OW. If you came clean to your wife she would be deeply hurt but she would also most likely agree to counselling and the two of you could finally knock down the walls and really open up to each other and possibly take your mediocre marriage and turn it into a great marriage. But it doesn't sound like you have the courage to do that so it all looks pretty bleak to me no matter what you decide.

 

Thank you for your input. This is honestly a very confusing and challenging emotional situation for me. I am still trying to figure out how to navigate this. And you are right, I do genuinely love my wife. I also love this OW, but because of the years and memories I've spent with my wife, I think it approximates more to "real and genuine" caring love. But the fact is, I feel more romantic love for this OW.

[awkward]

You are trying to end the affair because your AP wants to end the romantic part of your affair. You aren't ending it out of love for your wife.

 

Tell your wife that you have been having an affair. It is the right thing to do. Let her decide if she wants to remain married to you. Your marriage will either survive or end.

 

Some people feel like titles matter around here. So here is mine. I am not a BS or an OW.

[Quiet Storm]

It sounds like that although you and OW share passion and chemistry, you realize she isn't the best choice for a long term mate. I agree with you. Her repeatedly calling you a savior and miracle is a red flag to me, as it's not uncommon for women in emotionally unstable relationships to choose a transition guy for emotional support to get out of the volitile relationship, and then dump him for another bad boy. You are also realistic about the intensity of passion and how it can fade over the years. You realize that it's unfair to compare new pheromone saturated passion with the comfort and familiarity of a long term marriage.

 

However, I have to point out your selfish rationalizations. If you genuinely love your wife, how can you do this to her? You think leaving her would break her heart, but what you are already doing is a heartbreaking betrayal. You also seem to have a sense of entitlement about your wife....the "what she don't know won't her" attitude. As if shes too fragile... the old "don't worry her pretty little head about it" arrogance, like you know what's best for her as you serve her up a plateful of lies and betrayal. She has the right to know the truth about her life, her husband and her marriage. I think if you truly love and respect her, you should tell her. You are robbing her of the ability to live an authentic life, and that is a very selfish and unkind thing to do to someone you claim to love.

Edited February 17, 2015 by Quiet Storm

[obtuseedge]

It sounds like that although you and OW share passion and chemistry, you realize she isn't the best choice for a long term mate. I agree with you. Her repeatedly calling you a savior and miracle is a red flag to me, as it's not uncommon for women in emotionally unstable relationships to chose a transition guy for emotional support to get out of the volitile relationship, and then dump him for another bad boy. You are also realistic about the intensity of passion and how it can fade over the years. You realize that it's unfair to compare new pheromone saturated passion with the comfort and familiarity of a long term marriage.

 

However, I have to point out your selfish rationalizations. If you genuinely love your wife, how can you do this to her? You think leaving her would break her heart, but what you are already doing is a heartbreaking betrayal. You also seem to have a sense of entitlement about your wife....the "what she don't know won't her" attitude. As if shes too fragile... the old "don't worry her pretty little head about it" arrogance, like you know what's best for her as you serve her up a plateful of lies and betrayal. She has the right to know the truth about her life, her husband and her marriage. I think if you truly love and respect her, you should tell her. You are robbing her of the ability to live an authentic life, and that is a very selfish and unkind thing to do to someone you claim to love.

 

Regarding the first paragraph, yes, I do have reservations. However, I am not exactly sure she sees me as a transition guy or a nice guy. She actually told me I'm the most sexually attractive man she's ever been close to, and that she likes that I have the balance of a bad boy and good boy persona.

 

Regarding the second paragraph, I admit that what I have been doing is ethically wrong and I have to eventually come to face some of the consequences soon enough. I do feel a tremendous amount of guilt. Part of it is also because the events have happened so quickly and fast in the last few months, and it's really just started to turn physical in the last two months, and then even more dramatic with her husband leaving two weeks ago. So it's really been a whirlwind and I'm not really sure how to respond to everything yet, things have been happening extremely fast.

[Popsicle]

Don't tell your wife. Instead just stop being silly having A's and check back into your marriage and get your wife to check back in it too. Take off the auto-pilot. It will take work and some serious talking and/or marriage counseling.

[minimariah]

However, at the same time, I do genuinely love my wife, and it does bother me to think that I would jump ship just because things are lacking in passion. It seems to me that every long term relationship, and I've been in a couple before my wife, seems to eventually subside in the passion department after a few years, it's inevitable.

 

i do believe you genuinely live your wife - but the thing is... you love her as a friend, as someone you've been with for many years, as someone who is good to you and as someone who is close to your heart. you don't love her the way a wife should be loved, you don't desire her, you don't think about her the 1st thing in the morning, you don't want to tear her clothes off, you don't have wer daydreams about her... these things are important. it's what makes a romantic relationship a romantic relationship, you know? what you have in your marriage is friendship with deep care, that's it.

 

don't delude yourself into thinking it's just about passion - it's not. you had an affair and even worse, you actually considered leaving your marriage. no one does that just because they're lacking some passion. it's ALWAYS deeper than that but it's usually being expressed through passion and sex. so people think it's just "sex problem" but everyhing else is just peachy. it isn't. you don't have just one problem, it goes way beyond passion at this point.

 

you formed a deep emotional connection with the OW, not just passion. that means you're lacking there in your marriage, too.

 

i disagree with passion disappearing over years being inevitable. it changes, of course. but it can never absolutely vanish. it always needs to be there and in your case, it's not there because you never even had it to begin with.

[Popsicle]

It's also really funny that your name here is "obtuse...". LOL!

[Pretywoman]

This is the problem with an affair. Most women want their affair partner to leave their wives and be with them. Men dont simply leave them to be with their ap.

I can relate what you feel. You want to have both your wife and your ap. You wish that she could understand that. You wish it hadnt ended so soon.

Since she has already expressed her intention there is nothing much to be done. What I can say yes it is painful and it hurts. Just be more careful next time if you were to get involve into another forbidden relationship..

[obtuseedge]

i do believe you genuinely live your wife - but the thing is... you love her as a friend, as someone you've been with for many years, as someone who is good to you and as someone who is close to your heart. you don't love her the way a wife should be loved, you don't desire her, you don't think about her the 1st thing in the morning, you don't want to tear her clothes off, you don't have wer daydreams about her... these things are important. it's what makes a romantic relationship a romantic relationship, you know? what you have in your marriage is friendship with deep care, that's it.

 

don't delude yourself into thinking it's just about passion - it's not. you had an affair and even worse, you actually considered leaving your marriage. no one does that just because they're lacking some passion. it's ALWAYS deeper than that but it's usually being expressed through passion and sex. so people think it's just "sex problem" but everyhing else is just peachy. it isn't. you don't have just one problem, it goes way beyond passion at this point.

 

you formed a deep emotional connection with the OW, not just passion. that means you're lacking there in your marriage, too.

 

i disagree with passion disappearing over years being inevitable. it changes, of course. but it can never absolutely vanish. it always needs to be there and in your case, it's not there because you never even had it to begin with.

 

When my wife and I first met, we had a lot of passionate sex. We would do it everywhere. So there was passion. Also, there was chemistry.

 

It's just that the chemistry and connection even at the beginning was less than with this new woman.

 

I do believe that passion eventually subsides in every relationship. But yes, at this point in our marriage, I do feel like we are primarily two good friends.

[TaintedLuv]

OP, you keep repeating that you love your wife over and over but I don't see how you can...if you loved and respected her, you simply wouldn't have been able to fall for another woman. You don't hurt and destroy people you love. You obviously care about her no doubt but you're not staying for love, you're staying because you feel guilt and obligation to her. You won't risk being with your OW because you won't risk a nice comfy life for that opportunity. You say that you're unsure of your AP and yet she was good enough to become your "soulmate"? You sound just like my exMM. He also wouldn't leave his wife because she would be "devastated". Sorry guys, you're not god. They will get over you. Everyone should have the truth to really decide if they want to be with you and you're robbing your wife of that choice by deciding for her that she couldn't handle it. Puh-lease. Sorry to be harsh, just read this stuff over and over again. Poor W can't live without her cheating H right? Anyway, sorry bitter post-valentines day OW here. :/

[Quiet Storm]

Also, if this guy is sociopathic like you say, you could be putting yourself and your wife in danger. After many years with her, he knows her well and likely realizes she doesn't have the strength to leave him on her own. He will automatically suspect there's someone else. He may figure out she was cheating with phone records, by following her or putting a voice activated recorder in her car. Her ex is a variable in this situation that you should prepare yourself for. That's another bad thing about cheating, you invite another couple's drama into your own life.

[obtuseedge]

Also, if this guy is sociopathic like you say, you could be putting yourself and your wife in danger. After many years with her, he knows her well and likely realizes she doesn't have the strength to leave him on her own. He will automatically suspect there's someone else. He may figure out she was cheating with phone records, by following her or putting a voice activated recorder in her car. Her ex is a variable in this situation that you should prepare yourself for. That's another bad thing about cheating, you invite another couple's drama into your own life.

 

That's true and it has crossed my mind. We have actually been communicating through another medium that isn't tracked by her cell records, so I don't think he'd figure out on that end.

 

He is genuinely a sociopath, but she says that he'd stop at a point where his licensed would be endangered. However, I do realize the risks of his behavior and it is in the back of my mind.

[obtuseedge]

OP, you keep repeating that you love your wife over and over but I don't see how you can...if you loved and respected her, you simply wouldn't have been able to fall for another woman. You don't hurt and destroy people you love. You obviously care about her no doubt but you're not staying for love, you're staying because you feel guilt and obligation to her. You won't risk being with your OW because you won't risk a nice comfy life for that opportunity. You say that you're unsure of your AP and yet she was good enough to become your "soulmate"? You sound just like my exMM. He also wouldn't leave his wife because she would be "devastated". Sorry guys, you're not god. They will get over you. Everyone should have the truth to really decide if they want to be with you and you're robbing your wife of that choice by deciding for her that she couldn't handle it. Puh-lease. Sorry to be harsh, just read this stuff over and over again. Poor W can't live without her cheating H right? Anyway, sorry bitter post-valentines day OW here. :/

 

I can understand where you are coming from, and it's true that some of what I say may sound facetious. The fact is that this situation has been the most ethically taxing and emotionally difficult that I have come across, and a reminder that life is not easy nor simple. You can believe me or not, but what I've said here is what I honestly feel.

[MuddyRock]

True. I would say I am content in my marriage, but it doesn't bring me a great deal of happiness. The relationship between me and my wife was not as organic or natural as with the OW. From the beginning, there were areas of friction and it was only through long years of mutual work and understanding that we've smoothed them out and have been able to build a content and functional marriage. I honestly think this is quite normal. When you are single, it's not that easy to find one you have chemistry with and who happens to be single too, this is what happened between my wife and I and we built a life together. Obviously the OW has many traits that are more compatible for me, but does this mean I simply discard my wife because I found someone who I have more chemistry with? My wife loves me dearly and I do genuinely care about her.

 

Anyways, this has been the most difficult moral dilemma I've ever had to struggle with. It pains me day to day.

 

You are destined to fail. You think your wife should bring you happiness when that can only come from yourself. You also say that your marriage takes work while the OW relationship is organic. That's because the marriage is a real actual mature relationship. One that has gotten past limerence stage. The OW is organic because it is hormones and nothing more. Take a step back. Reread your own words. You sure don't sound like you really love or even want the other women.

[Popsicle]

He doesn't sound like he loves either one. And neither of them know it.

[TaintedLuv]

I can understand where you are coming from, and it's true that some of what I say may sound facetious. The fact is that this situation has been the most ethically taxing and emotionally difficult that I have come across, and a reminder that life is not easy nor simple. You can believe me or not, but what I've said here is what I honestly feel.

 

Your feelings are your own. All I'm saying is maybe you don't actually understand all of it because you're in it and if you did step back that maybe you would view this in a different way. This all hits too close to home for me I guess. *Shrug*

[obtuseedge]

He doesn't sound like he loves either one. And neither of them know it.

 

I do love both of them. It's just a difficult situation.

 

With my OW, I do genuinely love her, which is why I have been supportive of her in leaving her husband. It would actually benefit my situation more if she were to stay with her husband, as she would be dependent on me for genuine affection and happiness. With her leaving her husband, she is now free and can pursue meeting new friends and men, which would leave her less dependent on me, but I supported her in arriving at this situation as I genuinely wanted her to be in a better place.

 

With my wife, I do genuinely love and care about her and have supported her all these years because of that. Obviously our marriage is not perfect, but I suppose I didn't realize some things until this happened.

[Popsicle]

Well, it was a good thing that you helped her to leave.

[Quiet Storm]

Regarding telling your wife ... I know you probably wont, but here's why you should

 

1) secrets block true intimacy

2) the truth sometimes hurts, and that's OK. If someone told you your kid was on hard drugs, it would hurt but that revelation might spark change. You could then get your child help. If a doctor told you your pain was cancer, it would be horrible news, but would prompt treatment. Sometimes a crisis is needed to inspire positive change.

3) your wife deserves to be able to make an informed choice about her relationship with you

4) Your wife may divorce you. But she also may decide to work on having a better marriage with you. You'd be surprised at the number of women who don't truly understand the importance of sexual connection in a marriage. An affair, as devastating as it is, can be a turning point where problems in the marriage are acknowledged and worked on.

[loveboid]

But fact is, the chemistry I have with this OW is really on another level. So I really have to see how some things pan out. Deep down inside, a certain part of me mistrusts her emotional stability and feel like I may ultimately be betrayed, (she is an EXTREMELY beautiful woman and gets a ton of male attention, albeit, I'm also considered very physically attractive, but I think I am more stable than she is). So those things in the back of my mind gives me serious pause.

 

I think you should let OW go. You don't want to take the risk to be with her long-term and she needs a man who will. I think you're just like a bunch of men who won't go for an extremely beautiful woman like that...and guess what...that leaves her exposed to psychos like her husband who aren't afraid of risks. She doesn't need psycho guy and she doesn't need scared guy, you.

 

Both you and psycho guy are hoping for some short-term action because you both know most men don't have the courage to be with her long-term so that leaves her alone and vulnerable to you. You're the same guy but on different ends of the spectrum.

 

The guy who loves her will realize that he's got no serious competition. The only people who want to be with her are crazy or scared users. He'll save her from both.