Author ddlovexx Posted February 2, 2015 Author Share Posted February 2, 2015 They said they will have an apartment for me in a couple of days. He said I can stay here til then. I won't see him anyway because he works full time. I also just got a call back for another part time job... So that's good. I feel terrible. But I know that there is a tiny spark of hope somewhere. When I have my own place again I'll feel better, I start this new job tomorrow so it will help keep me occupied as well as be something new in my life. I think when I move out I'll get a cat or dog (I gave up my cat to move in with him... Stupid me.) I'm trying. The pain is just intolerable. I'm hungry but won't eat, tired but can't sleep, you know how it is. I hate the thought of not being with him. I hate the thought of ever touching or being close to another man again. *vomit* Link to post Share on other sites
elaine567 Posted February 2, 2015 Share Posted February 2, 2015 I think when I move out I'll get a cat or dog (I gave up my cat to move in with him... Stupid me.) Huge red flag, if someone is going to ask you to give up your pet, they care little about you or your true happiness. Psychopaths do not like cats. Cat lovers are least likely to be psychopaths, reveals national survey 3 Link to post Share on other sites
Zahara Posted February 2, 2015 Share Posted February 2, 2015 I'm trying. The pain is just intolerable. I'm hungry but won't eat, tired but can't sleep, you know how it is. If you can't nurture yourself emotionally and mentally right now, you have to at least nurture yourself physically. Added with the emotional pain, you'll feel even worse if your body is being denied care. You must at least drink liquids and keep hydrated. As much as you feel you just want to stay in a puddle of tears, you must force yourself -- juice, water, tea. Just down it. Try to eat little bits of food, even if you have to sit there and force yourself. I hate the thought of not being with him. I hate the thought of ever touching or being close to another man again. *vomit* Well, let's not skip ahead in your thinking. Another man will come another time. For now, focus on one minute, one hour, one day at a time. Getting your things out. Following up on getting work. Reaching out to friends and family for help. No need to bombard your brain with the future, just focus on the now. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Gaeta Posted February 2, 2015 Share Posted February 2, 2015 I'm trying. The pain is just intolerable. I'm hungry but won't eat, tired but can't sleep, you know how it is. I hate the thought of not being with him. I hate the thought of ever touching or being close to another man again. *vomit* You are in withdrawal. This phase is necessary, you just hang on and battle through it, you will come out of it wiser and stronger. When my last long-term relationship ended I didn't eat, didn't shower, could not stand the sun, could not stand music, could not stand people laughing, each time I drove I had crying sessions. I called it my own little trip down to hell. Then it passed, pain is always temporary. 2 Link to post Share on other sites
Toodaloo Posted February 2, 2015 Share Posted February 2, 2015 They said they will have an apartment for me in a couple of days. He said I can stay here til then. I won't see him anyway because he works full time. I also just got a call back for another part time job... So that's good. Go for it and do not ever look back. I feel terrible. But I know that there is a tiny spark of hope somewhere. When I have my own place again I'll feel better, I start this new job tomorrow so it will help keep me occupied as well as be something new in my life. I think when I move out I'll get a cat or dog (I gave up my cat to move in with him... Stupid me.) Never again give up a pet for "love". If they care a jot about your happiness they will accept the pet. Do not give up yourself any part of it, your friends, hobbies etc make sure you keep hold of them. I'm trying. The pain is just intolerable. I'm hungry but won't eat, tired but can't sleep, you know how it is. I hate the thought of not being with him. I hate the thought of ever touching or being close to another man again. *vomit* At the moment the pain is there. At the moment you are probably a bit frightened and lost. In a month you will feel completely different. Life does go on and each day will get a bit better. Just get yourself away and safe as soon as you can. Link to post Share on other sites
Author ddlovexx Posted February 2, 2015 Author Share Posted February 2, 2015 The funny part about it too (well, maybe not funny) is that last night is his angry text rage he went on about how he's tired of me not working (I waitress for nights a week and we have the same off days for a reason) and blah blah, he's broke and suffering and gets no support. That he'd rather be alone than deal with me. I've been telling him I was looking for another job and he'd always say "no baby, it's okay. We're fine." So now here I am with two jobs and my old apartment back in a few days. One of my good friends back home literally wired me an entire months rent. So all of this stuff he's saying about me... Is bull****. I can take care of myself right? I will. Somehow. I'll be okay. Just not today. Link to post Share on other sites
Author ddlovexx Posted February 2, 2015 Author Share Posted February 2, 2015 Also, I got rid of the cat bc his daughter is severely allergic, not because he didn't want him. Link to post Share on other sites
Gaeta Posted February 2, 2015 Share Posted February 2, 2015 As a dog lover and owner I need to say this because you mentioned getting a cat or a dog. If you want to get another cat go ahead, they require minimal care and company, I would discourage you from getting a dog. A dog is a much bigger commitment of your time and money. I don't think it's a good idea to get an animal that will keep you home. I work all day at the office and I can't stay in town for dinner, or go on dates weeknights, or any other activities after work because I have a dog home in need of my care. In the next few weeks or couple of months you will need to keep busy, go out, be with friends, register to groups and sports, the last thing you need is to run home to a dog. Getting a dog is a commitment of 14 years, you need to fully understand that responsibility and be ready for it, it's not something you do to put a patch on your broken heart. I would not get rid of my dog, not for a man, not for his allergic daughter. I would stay in my home and not move in with the man, that is the type of commitment you need to have before you get a dog. 4 Link to post Share on other sites
Author ddlovexx Posted February 2, 2015 Author Share Posted February 2, 2015 I know this. It's just me thinking in my head. If i get anything it will be a cat. Link to post Share on other sites
elaine567 Posted February 2, 2015 Share Posted February 2, 2015 I know this. It's just me thinking in my head. If i get anything it will be a cat. Can you not get your old one back? Link to post Share on other sites
Author ddlovexx Posted February 2, 2015 Author Share Posted February 2, 2015 I asked the girl and she never replied. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
MissBee Posted February 2, 2015 Share Posted February 2, 2015 (edited) Hi there, Writing this cause I can't sleep. He's locked himself in another room to sleep. So, we've been together 4 months. Living together almost a month (he asked me). Things are generally really good. He's the most loving man I've ever been with, wonderful and definitely see myself long term with him, as does he. He always talks about how much he loves our life together and all that. He also has a two year old daughter... We are obviously heavily invested at this point. As loving and wonderful as he is, he can also be mean and very hurtful. Basically, he got mad about something I posted on Instagram. He doesn't do social media. It was a video of me dancing but I was clothed and it was just random for throw back Thursdsy. It was honestly an innocent post and the last thing I thought about was him getting mad about it... I mean who really cares? One of his coworkers showed it to him and he texted me saying I obviously am seeking attention, etc. and that I'm embarrassing and pathetic. I apologized, said it wasn't anything like that and that honestly it was meaningless. He ditched me and our plans for the night. I came home and went to bed. He was watching a movie and obviously had no desire to talk to me. He fell asleep on the couch and I woke I the middle of the night and asked him to come to bed. He said no, he doesn't want to be around me. I got upset, took it somewhat out of proportion by almost begging him to just come to bed. He said some mean things like calling me a moron and yelled at me to leave him the **** alone. I just kept saying that I couldn't sleep and didn't want it to be like this, he was hurting me and I just want him to come to bed. I obviously pushed him (I was hurt... Dumb move) and he said "pack your **** I'm not doing this again tomorrow" went in the other bedroom and locked it. I knocked on the door and said "babe please, I love you, can you stop this?" Nothing. I'm incredibly hurt. How could you act this way towards someone you love? He's 30 it's not like he's 22. I apologized for the stupid video and embarrassing him, multiple times. I know he will wake and go to work and not speak to me. Do you really think he will throw away the relationship like this? I'd never expect him to just kick me out, and I'm close with his daughter so Id like to think he wouldn't make such a rash decision. We're usually really good about talking through things, more often than not. It seems when we fight that somehow it is always my fault and I start to hate myself for possibly ruining a good thing. But he also gets very cold and mean when we argue (1-2x a week, if that) How can a loving man be so hurtful sometimes? Any input would be great... My heart hurts bad and I can't sleep. Lots of seemingly loving men are also hurtful and manipulative. That's the hallmark of many abusive men. They are very controlling, they seem to go from zero-100 with little prompting, they get upset easily over small things and then blame the other person for it. The way this man was acting raises many honking red flags of someone who is abusive and controlling and your reaction was perfect, in that, instead of refusing his shoddy treatment you made yourself the one in the wrong by crying and begging him back and taking it upon yourself to say you're the one who did something wrong when you didn't. This is the perfect match for the abusive man. Instead of a woman who will stand up for herself and say I understand you are upset and I'm sorry but I won't tolerate you talking down to me, you've begged and pleaded with him and made yourself the guilty party. When a man is normal, even if he didn't like something you posted, he's not going to call you a moron, pathetic, embarrassing and kick you out. Your boyfriend's extreme reaction seems to me like he is very irrational and controlling and cares a lot about managing your image and his own. I'm sure his friend showing him is also making it worse for him and his need to control his image. Frankly, you've been together for 4 months. That isn't that much time in the grand scheme of things and in my personal opinion, it will 9/10 times be a bad idea to move in with someone you've been seeing for 4 months esp when that person has a child. I think him asking you to do so was probably all part of his need for control. 4 months isn't long enough to make such a commitment in my opinion and that's still a very new and shaky time in most relationships where feelings aren't 100% solidified and where you're basing lots of stuff on the honeymoon. However, honeymoon's over for you guys. If he's acting like this 4 months in THAT ALONE should tell you ALL you need to know. If a man ever said or did the things your bf said and did, I wouldn't cry and beg him to come to bed and forgive me, I would tell him to eff off and I'd leave...but I'd also still be living at my own home so would be able to leave and go elsewhere. 4 months in I'm still learning you and still seeing if you are crazy or not so wouldn't go live with you while I'm still learning about you. You've put yourself at his mercy and it seems that may be what he wants...abusive men do this, they try to isolate their victims and control them,, it may start off seemingly innocent or even sweet like "Why are you living there? Come live with me. Here's a cellphone, I'll pay the bill. You don't need to work, I'll support you...." and before you know it, you've handed over ALL your independence and when they begin showing their true colors you realize you have nothing and own nothing and they can control your whole life. Then you're stuck remembering the what 3 months of sweetness before and trying to get back to that "loving man" and making it all about how bad you are and what you can do to fix it. It's a horribly fu()ked up thing and I think that's what's happening here unfortunately. You're saying will he throw it all away...hon, it's not that much to throw away. You don't have kids with him. The baby is two, if you leave she will soon forget you (that's just how it is at that age). You haven't been together for even 6 months...it's not really that deep even though it feels like it. Believe me, if you stay this will be only the beginning. You will constantly be walking on egg shells trying not to set him off and it won't work as with folks like that it is about them not you, so nothing you do will be perfect. I would NEVER be able to forgive a man who called me an embarassing, pathetic, moron and you shouldn't either. I have been angry at bfs and they at me, it happens, but NEVER have they said things like that to me . We may raise our voices but nothing like calling each other names, locking each other out, telling each other to pack up and leave (well I've never lived with them but I doubt they would have if we did ). This isn't something you should "forgive" or even apologize for. If in 4 months you're having such escalated fights over nonsense...that is ALL you need to know. How can you ever love and trust him again after him reacting like that???? Do you have a job and your own money? I'd move out if I were you. He asked you to leave. I have too much pride, my butt would have been out the door and never looking back if he kicked me out. I suggest you do the same. Leave. He will probably eventually try begging you back and start being all sweet and sorry...but don't buy it. If all my words come to pass please remember them and realize that this is the predictable pattern of an abusive man and one you should RUN away from. Edited February 2, 2015 by MissBee 1 Link to post Share on other sites
GemmaUK Posted February 2, 2015 Share Posted February 2, 2015 It will go away. None of it is suppose to be easy. Let me demystify love for you. If you take a brain scan of a person in-love the brain activity is located in the addiction section, not the emotion section so treat it as an addiction. You are doing the right thing. I wish 25 years ago I could have pored my heart on the net and a bunch of people would have explained to me I was in abusive relationship. Instead I spend 15 years thinking I needed to be more patient, more pretty, and he'd come around. He never did of course. Gaeta is right in that the love you're feeling is an addiction at this stage. I've so far loved one man, we were together 14 years through all sorts of things but it was love. He wasn't my abusive ex though - those two relationships were drastically different in the beginning too - drastically! You are currently addicted to him and the feelings of love you have for him. I won't say you don't feel love because you do. But it is addictive love because it's fresh and should be addictive and 'honeymoon'. The thing is very quickly it has turned. Another poster on here often states 'the relationship you have now IS the relationship' . It is SO true! The sad thing is, you are 24, a women (not much more than a girl) who has moved on her own miles away, found work, found somewhere to live and was doing great on her own. Damn! You are independent! Abusers love independent women who they think they can control. He was already half way there as your family are so far away. He didn't have to do anything to achieve that part. The addiction thing - I need to go back to this. With my 7 month abusive ex he ..well I think he thought I had fallen for him. As it happened I was right on the edge of falling and I never did fall for him. I kept hoping things would go back to how they had been in the first couple of months.. They didn't. The problem I had though that I went straight from near addiction to almost falling for him into addiction over what the heck he would say or do next!!! That ^^^^^^ is the place you DO NOT want to be in. I feel very proud of you that you are working on things and you have some true friends there helping you out. I'm so pleased about that and I can tell that you are pretty overwhelmed by it! Don't let them down. Do this, they are there for you as are we. Someone else mentioned a book called Why Does He Do That. I haven't yet read it myself but it has great reviews and I am hoping it will turn up on Kindle soon. I mentioned 'Toads and the Women who Kiss Them' by Alexandra Nouri. IF you cannot get some help with real talking about this please try these two books. Why? I am 2 years on almost after ending that 7 month RS and only just starting to feel human again. Literally, the Toads book has 100% stopped me from thinking of things my ex did and questioning them for the first time in those 2 years...well 2 years in April.. I no longer have a question. I know WHY he did what he did with me. I also know why all his other relationships broke down too. Your man's ex was a drug addict. I am thinking that I don't blame her in many ways (yet I do not do drugs and have only ever tried a couple and not liked them). Drugs can kill feelings. I doubt she was a drug addict to the extent she is now when they met. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
elaine567 Posted February 2, 2015 Share Posted February 2, 2015 . I doubt she was a drug addict to the extent she is now when they met. YES. Self medicating away the pain of living with an abusive man. 2 Link to post Share on other sites
MissBee Posted February 2, 2015 Share Posted February 2, 2015 He would never lay a hand on me, but I guess he is emotionally abusing me. I mean, in the past we've been good about talking things out and he always says "we'll work on it" and the last time he had to pull a "I won't do it again", he really never did anything like it again. I'm the first serious, live-in relationship he's had in two years and I tend to think he is learning how to do it again. I think I'll give him a day. He'll be at work all day anyway and I'd like to think he'll shoot me a text at some point, for some reason. I'm going to try my best to be strong and distant and if he wants me to leave, I will... I'm just not sure if he really meant that or if the alcohol/half asleepness was the reason for what he said. He honestly doesn't lash out too often and tends to be the one to come around and apologize first. There is also a child involved. But I'm hurt and tend to over-do it when I am bc I don't handle pain well. I guess time will tell. I need to find some strength OP, you sound like many women in these kinds of relationships: making excuses and trying to focus on the good when the "one bad" should cancel it out. This is NOT the average fight couples have in a relationship. The fact that you don't see this is worrying. Most women would be the ones breaking up with a man who said and did what he did not begging him back and excusing him...that's how it all starts! There is a child involved? The child is not your child. You have only been in her life for 4 months, she is a 2 year old, she will not miss you or remember you after a short while so it's not like you not being in her life is you as her mom abandoning her and causing her harm....people with kids date and break up all the time (but most of them are not foolish enough to move people in they've only been with for months).It was his stupid decision to move you in with his baby, but it probably was smart on his part because it's making it harder for you to leave as you're attached to her and many abused women stay because they fear for their kids or that he will take the kids and you don't even have a child with him but you're already following the same pattern with his daughter. Please put things in perspective...you've lived together for 4 weeks and have been together for 4 months...this is NOT some deep-rooted, established relationship that will be so hard to leave. You're tying yourself into it by making it seem that way when it is NOT. 4 months is still the discovery phase...that is what dating is...you take the time to DISCOVER if this person is someone you should increase your level of commitment to...these insta-family, insta-relationships are a problem because people have locked themselves in without doing the due diligence. You're still in the discovery phase even though you've moved in for 4 weeks...you have discovered how he acts in a fight...you should take that to heart and leave...not act like he is your husband of 4 years and you have just had a baby so can't leave,...you are his 4 month gf and have only lived with him a month and he has a 2 year old who is still young enough that she will not ever remember you existed if you leave He will not get better...and you should ask yourself why his behavior isn't a deal breaker for you. Link to post Share on other sites
Zahara Posted February 2, 2015 Share Posted February 2, 2015 (edited) YES. Self medicating away the pain of living with an abusive man. I remember dating a guy for a few months. He was lovely in the beginning but soon after cracks were showing. He started becoming enraged over little things, short tempered, called me a few names, etc. When we first started dating he told me he met his ex-wife at a talent agency and she was a model. He showed me pictures. She was stunning. They were married within the year. She was a marathon runner. Super fit. She started teaching and 5 years into the marriage -- long story short, she shriveled up into a meth addict. After seeing how he was with me during those few short months, I had to wonder how much of her drug issue was due to her struggle with his abuse. Edited February 2, 2015 by Zahara 1 Link to post Share on other sites
BC1980 Posted February 2, 2015 Share Posted February 2, 2015 I'm truly in love, I know that. Maybe he is not. Or he obviously doesn't know how to love. He was first to fall and would always say it was easy because I'm such s great person, caring, ambitious, great with his daughter, etc. But you don't treat someone you love this way... Me ex was certainly verbally and emotionally abusive. I think one of the most difficult things to come to terms with was that he could be very charming and seemingly very nice a lot of the time. It's so easy to only weigh the good times and forget the bad. Love does that to you, though I sometimes wonder if it's even love. I'm so glad you are leaving. I wish I had left. I considered leaving my ex 6 months into the relationship but never did. You are lucky you are getting out now. You may not see it, but trust what everyone here is telling you. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Author ddlovexx Posted February 2, 2015 Author Share Posted February 2, 2015 I'm getting my cat back. I signed the papers for the apartment. My chest hurts. Hurts so much. 2 Link to post Share on other sites
Zahara Posted February 2, 2015 Share Posted February 2, 2015 I'm getting my cat back. I signed the papers for the apartment. My chest hurts. Hurts so much. Little doors are opening for you. Blessings in a very painful time. It will hurt. But it won't always be this way. 3 Link to post Share on other sites
Author ddlovexx Posted February 2, 2015 Author Share Posted February 2, 2015 I haven't spoken to him. But he won't even acknowledge me in the house. Which is fine, proves a point I guess. And I don't wanna be with someone who hurts me this way so if anything I know I'm making the right choice. But Jesus my heart hurts 1 Link to post Share on other sites
elaine567 Posted February 2, 2015 Share Posted February 2, 2015 I'm getting my cat back. I signed the papers for the apartment. My chest hurts. Hurts so much. Excellent news. So happy for you. Edit: the chest will get better, don't worry. Link to post Share on other sites
Zahara Posted February 2, 2015 Share Posted February 2, 2015 Heart hurts is normal. You are grieving the loss. It will get much better once you move out of his home. Link to post Share on other sites
Author ddlovexx Posted February 2, 2015 Author Share Posted February 2, 2015 He's being so immature. I'm seeing more and more that he's probably not a man at all... A true man will handle my heart with care. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Zahara Posted February 2, 2015 Share Posted February 2, 2015 He's being so immature. I'm seeing more and more that he's probably not a man at all... A true man will handle my heart with care. Emotionally stunted. Like a child throwing a tantrum. It's a good thing that you are beginning to see him for what he is. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
TigerLilly78 Posted February 2, 2015 Share Posted February 2, 2015 I love him and there is far more good than bad. This is just a bad part. We are happy and have fun and are very comfy with each other 80% of the time and I think that counts for more than a fight. I do think this fight is very immature... I'm not blind to that. But it doesn't seem he'll even speak to me. My and my BF live together and the entire time we have known each other going on over a year now we have had maybe 2 semi bad arguments total and when we did we sat down and talked it thu and that was it done.. This 1 2 times a week reminds me of how things started with my abusive ex he ended up being a real gem OP.. My advice is you need to take what he said seriously and pack a bag and leave and dont look back this will only get worse not better I know you cant see it and it hurts but hes doing you a massive favor in the long run.. Link to post Share on other sites
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