Author ddlovexx Posted January 24, 2015 Author Share Posted January 24, 2015 Newly born, he will be gone all day which is the equivalent. I came home late last night so I'm insure if alcohol was in play when he said it but I'd like to hear him say it again if he wants me to leave. I'm weird, I know. I can't just leave like that though Link to post Share on other sites
Author ddlovexx Posted January 24, 2015 Author Share Posted January 24, 2015 Sorry guys. I'm not very strong right now... That's why I'm on this thread. I'm 800 miles away from the place I call home (moved here 6 months ago) and I just lost my job. Bear with me... I'm weak right now :'( Link to post Share on other sites
Gaeta Posted January 24, 2015 Share Posted January 24, 2015 You think alcohol makes it more acceptable? You are not weird. You are young, naive, inexperienced and we are trying to make you realize you are in an abusive relationship that will only get worse. What do you need to understand? a broken nose? your self-worth completely stripped off of you? At your age my daughter came home crying. I asked what had happened and she said she had broken up with her boyfriend. I asked why she replied: because he called me stupid. I wanted to hear it again I said what? You broke up with your boyfriend because he called you stupid?? she said yes. I replied: I AM SO FREAKIN proud of you!!! OP being called names is unacceptable ONCE. 7 Link to post Share on other sites
Author ddlovexx Posted January 24, 2015 Author Share Posted January 24, 2015 I also may have forgotten to play up that I really did bug and push him for ten minutes to come to bed with me... Told him to cut the **** bc I didn't do anything wrong and I spologized. Had I not bugged the **** out of him for ten min... He never would've said those things or locked himself in the other room to get away from me. I can be quite irrational when I'm hurting... Link to post Share on other sites
Author ddlovexx Posted January 24, 2015 Author Share Posted January 24, 2015 You know, I'm going to tell him that I'll stay in the spare room and I'll never be home when he's home. I might be able to find a friends that I can sleep at but it's unlikely for long term. Until I can get the means to move back into my apartment I had. I can probably get back my job I just lost, so I will do that even if I don't want to. Even if the relationship is ever going to work, I guess it's not going to work like this. It hurts either way right now so it might as well hurt and I can hang on to a little bit of strength and dignity I have left... 1 Link to post Share on other sites
GemmaUK Posted January 24, 2015 Share Posted January 24, 2015 Sorry guys. I'm not very strong right now... That's why I'm on this thread. I'm 800 miles away from the place I call home (moved here 6 months ago) and I just lost my job. Bear with me... I'm weak right now :'( ((hugs)) xx All that we have said here sounds harsh - I know that. Being IN the situation myself it doesn't 'feel' that harsh - not until you are stressed out to the max. His comment of 'embarrassing again' is putting you down - comments like that make you question yourself - moreso when you have no idea what it was that you were supposed to have done. You don't have an idea, he wasn't clear about it and remembers little of it so all that is left if for you to question yourself. Right now it sounds like you have nowhere to go - which is why it is vital that you communicate with your family/friends and let them know warts and all what is happening. Only if you reach out will they know anything is wrong. You don't have to deal with all this alone and you need some support. Even if you choose to stay and believe he will change then don't not listen to your instincts and make sure that you have plans for a way out should you need it. 3 Link to post Share on other sites
Gaeta Posted January 24, 2015 Share Posted January 24, 2015 I also may have forgotten to play up that I really did bug and push him for ten minutes to come to bed with me... Told him to cut the **** bc I didn't do anything wrong and I spologized. Had I not bugged the **** out of him for ten min... He never would've said those things or locked himself in the other room to get away from me. I can be quite irrational when I'm hurting... This type of thinking proof that you are in a full blown abusive relationship. When you are justifying the abuse, when you start thinking you are responsible for provoking his fits and somehow you deserved it, it means he has you so much under his abuse that you've lost all sense of judgement. Leave 11 Link to post Share on other sites
Ieris Posted January 24, 2015 Share Posted January 24, 2015 This relationship will suffocate you. You aren't allow to take a wrong step or you will be tossed out like bad milk. Why would you want to be with someone who treats you like this? 2 Link to post Share on other sites
acrosstheuniverse Posted January 24, 2015 Share Posted January 24, 2015 I also may have forgotten to play up that I really did bug and push him for ten minutes to come to bed with me... Told him to cut the **** bc I didn't do anything wrong and I spologized. Had I not bugged the **** out of him for ten min... He never would've said those things or locked himself in the other room to get away from me. I can be quite irrational when I'm hurting... You bugging him to come to bed isn't what made him throw you out, OP. He will already have been considering it and having feelings about it not working out. Someone asking them to come to bed, even if they were being 'annoying' or whatever by pushing it over and over, is not enough to say 'fine, it's over, get out' and be so cold and cruel. A loving partner would have recognised that the reason you were bugging him was because he'd hurt you deeply by flying off the handle about the dancing video and you were looking for some reassurance that everything was okay and you weren't breaking up. He wouldn't give you that reassurance, probably because he is aware that the relationship is unworkable for whatever reason. Maybe moving too fast and now realising the shine has worn off and the feelings aren't strong enough to carry it through. Don't blame yourself. Take control now, gather up your dignity, pack your stuff and start apartment-hunting. He has thrown you out, you don't live there anymore, unless you got your name put equally on the lease. 4 Link to post Share on other sites
kendahke Posted January 24, 2015 Share Posted January 24, 2015 Hi there, Writing this cause I can't sleep. He's locked himself in another room to sleep. So, we've been together 4 months. Living together almost a month (he asked me). Things are generally really good. He's the most loving man I've ever been with, wonderful and definitely see myself long term with him, as does he. He always talks about how much he loves our life together and all that. He also has a two year old daughter... We are obviously heavily invested at this point. As loving and wonderful as he is, he can also be mean and very hurtful. Basically, he got mad about something I posted on Instagram. He doesn't do social media. It was a video of me dancing but I was clothed and it was just random for throw back Thursdsy. It was honestly an innocent post and the last thing I thought about was him getting mad about it... I mean who really cares? One of his coworkers showed it to him and he texted me saying I obviously am seeking attention, etc. and that I'm embarrassing and pathetic. I apologized, said it wasn't anything like that and that honestly it was meaningless. He ditched me and our plans for the night. What were you doing, twerking? By definition, when people post on instagram, it's for seeking attention. Otherwise, it'd be a text based app and not media based. I came home and went to bed. He was watching a movie and obviously had no desire to talk to me. He fell asleep on the couch and I woke I the middle of the night and asked him to come to bed. He said no, he doesn't want to be around me. I got upset, took it somewhat out of proportion by almost begging him to just come to bed. He said some mean things like calling me a moron and yelled at me to leave him the **** alone. I just kept saying that I couldn't sleep and didn't want it to be like this, he was hurting me and I just want him to come to bed. I obviously pushed him (I was hurt... Dumb move) and he said "pack your **** I'm not doing this again tomorrow" went in the other bedroom and locked it. I knocked on the door and said "babe please, I love you, can you stop this?" Nothing. I'm incredibly hurt. How could you act this way towards someone you love? He's 30 it's not like he's 22. I apologized for the stupid video and embarrassing him, multiple times. I know he will wake and go to work and not speak to me. Do you really think he will throw away the relationship like this? I'd never expect him to just kick me out, and I'm close with his daughter so Id like to think he wouldn't make such a rash decision. We're usually really good about talking through things, more often than not. It seems when we fight that somehow it is always my fault and I start to hate myself for possibly ruining a good thing. But he also gets very cold and mean when we argue (1-2x a week, if that) How can a loving man be so hurtful sometimes? Any input would be great... My heart hurts bad and I can't sleep. You need to understand something: his friend showed him this video of you that you didn't show him first or tell him about. Just because he doesn't use the app doesn't mean no one he knows who knows you doesn't use it, too. He had to find this out from a friend, who probably went in on him in a way that insulted him and you honor. Clearly, if it was you dancing a movement from a ballet on pointe, this wouldn't be an issue, so it must be that the dancing you were doing was suggestive--otherwise, why be this angry that his friend showed it to him? He's probably more mad that you blindsided him by putting him in a position where he could not defend what you were doing. I think you need to pack your bags and find someplace else to post up for the time being. You loving him really doesn't enter into this right now. You made a serious misstep here in his eyes and the more you push, the more he will withdraw from you. It will get really bad, really fast if you don't back off. If you two are fighting around his child twice a week, then you two are not compatible and that child does not deserve to be living in a war zone. Her needs and well being come before yours and your feelings. You need to leave until such a time as you both figure out what it is that you want out of a relationship and if the other is even capable of giving the other what they're looking for. It doesn't seem, with the problems going on here that you've laid out in this post, that you two are what the other is looking for. Link to post Share on other sites
Gaeta Posted January 24, 2015 Share Posted January 24, 2015 What were you doing, twerking? By definition, when people post on instagram, it's for seeking attention. Otherwise, it'd be a text based app and not media based. By definition says who?? She is 21 years old!!! That's what 21 yo do !! They do it for fun! to show they are having a good time! She did nothing wrong!! You need to understand something: his friend showed him this video of you that you didn't show him first or tell him about. Just because he doesn't use the app doesn't mean no one he knows who knows you doesn't use it, too. He had to find this out from a friend, who probably went in on him in a way that insulted him and you honor. Clearly, if it was you dancing a movement from a ballet on pointe, this wouldn't be an issue, so it must be that the dancing you were doing was suggestive--otherwise, why be this angry that his friend showed it to him? He's probably more mad that you blindsided him by putting him in a position where he could not defend what you were doing. How do you know her video was offensive?? She said it was not! Abusive people will take offence on anything: A video, a chat with a friend, a dirty cup left on counter top !!! His name-calling, belittling, humiliating is UNJUSTIFIABLE. 5 Link to post Share on other sites
kendahke Posted January 24, 2015 Share Posted January 24, 2015 Having said that ^, you're making far too many excuses in your quest for validation to stay with someone who is pretty verbally abusive towards you. I don't think anyone here is going to co-sign you staying there with him. Time to make a call to your family to raise the money to move you back home. By now, your job has sent your W2 form so you can file your taxes and get your return. Use that money toward your ticket back home. Link to post Share on other sites
kendahke Posted January 24, 2015 Share Posted January 24, 2015 How do you know her video was offensive?? She said it was not! it was offensive TO HIM because if it wasn't HE wouldn't have told her to get out. Duh! Abusive people will take offence on anything: A video, a chat with a friend, a dirty cup left on counter top !!! His name-calling, belittling, humiliating is UNJUSTIFIABLE.No isht, sherlock. That's why I said that they were incompatible and she needs to get out. Fighting 2x/week in front of a 2 yr old is NOT compatible. Link to post Share on other sites
Author ddlovexx Posted January 24, 2015 Author Share Posted January 24, 2015 I'm not going back home, I'm 24 years old, we don't fight in front of the baby. It wasn't ballet but it wasn't twerking and I get he was upset but I took the video down and said I understood and was sorry. Shouldn't be a reason to lose all hell. If you're gonna attack me you can not bother at all... I'm obviously getting enough of that. On here for support. Thanks Link to post Share on other sites
Author ddlovexx Posted January 24, 2015 Author Share Posted January 24, 2015 And he didn't tell me to move out bc of the video. He yelled at me to move out bc I kept buggin him to talk when he was sleeping and has work in the morning. I pissed him off. Not that it excuses his behavior but yelling at me to move out wasn't due to the video itself. Link to post Share on other sites
Gaeta Posted January 24, 2015 Share Posted January 24, 2015 it was offensive TO HIM because if it wasn't HE wouldn't have told her to get out. Duh! No isht, sherlock. That's why I said that they were incompatible and she needs to get out. Fighting 2x/week in front of a 2 yr old is NOT compatible. If it was offensive to him then he had to say: HONEY I don't like you posting videos of you dancing, would you please take it down, we'll talk about it tonight!! Oh they are past being incompatible, he is abusive!! This is not a matter of compatibility!! 6 Link to post Share on other sites
Author ddlovexx Posted January 24, 2015 Author Share Posted January 24, 2015 If it was offensive to him then he had to say: HONEY I don't like you posting videos of you dancing, would you please take it down, we'll talk about it tonight Exactly. And I did take it down. I'm not sure why he had to be so crazy about it and ruin both of our nights... Link to post Share on other sites
Zahara Posted January 24, 2015 Share Posted January 24, 2015 And he didn't tell me to move out bc of the video. He yelled at me to move out bc I kept buggin him to talk when he was sleeping and has work in the morning. I pissed him off. Not that it excuses his behavior but yelling at me to move out wasn't due to the video itself. Whether it was the video or his annoyance at you for begging him to resolve it, none of those reasons justify kicking someone out of your home. If he was feeling bugged by you, instead of using the words that he did, he could have easily said, "Not now, we will talk tomorrow." But he chose a drastic and unkind way out of it. I know you are hurt and you're afraid of the outcome. But please start considering these red flags as something you need to pay very careful attention to because it's going to happen again. And don't ever take blame for someone else's behavior. The woman that gets hit on the face and then says it was her fault for pushing him. There is no reason for any sort of abuse. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
kendahke Posted January 24, 2015 Share Posted January 24, 2015 If you're gonna attack me you can not bother at all... I'm obviously getting enough of that. On here for support. Thanks I'm not attacking you. Support can come in ways that don't validate staying in an abusive situation. You wanting advice on how to stay in an abusive situation is not support. It's validation for keeping to a destructive path. I'm not going back home, I'm 24 years old, we don't fight in front of the baby. It wasn't ballet but it wasn't twerking and I get he was upset but I took the video down and said I understood and was sorry. Shouldn't be a reason to lose all hell. Is the baby in the house when you two are fighting? Even if she isn't in the same room, she can hear it and sense it. That is not good for her. Him being sweet doesn't make up for the destruction done when he's not being sweet. All anyone is saying here is that this pattern of behavior that has been going on for 16 weeks isn't getting any better. Abuse never de-escalates. It escalates with each episode, hence him now up to putting you out without a job or any place to go. As someone above said, at the 4 month mark, you two should still be in happiness phase, not the "blow up for no good reason and kick you out" phase. As it stands now, he's going to have to go through the eviction process to get you out because you've been there longer than 2 weeks, and that can be dragged out by you if you're so inclined. Even so, he can change the locks on you while you're out, so it would still be in your best interests to make some calls, even to a local women's shelter, since verbal abuse and fighting twice a week has become the norm in your relationship. Right now, you need some options and you have none. There is nothing anyone here can say that will make him calm down and get off this tangent of you getting out of his house. What serves you is telling you how to protect yourself and to stay safe. All of your energies right now need to be put into squaring away your finances so that you can support yourself and never be dependent upon another man ever again for a place to lay your head safely. 3 Link to post Share on other sites
kendahke Posted January 24, 2015 Share Posted January 24, 2015 Oh they are past being incompatible, he is abusive!! This is not a matter of compatibility!! No sane person is compatible with an abusive person. Link to post Share on other sites
Omei Posted January 24, 2015 Share Posted January 24, 2015 (edited) OP go back home now please! This was how my abuser started, I moved away with him once trapped all the verbal abuse came out and soon followed the punches and years of abuse the verbal was the worst of it, it hurts deep just like you're feeling now it breaks you down inside to where you feel like nothing hes manipulating you into being the sorry one already when you have nothing to be sorry for! He already has a grip on making you feel terrible and being the one to beg for forgiveness. LEAVE! The way he treats you is terrible and this is just over a video of you dancing imagine what would happen if you two every came at a cross roads for example someone hit on you and he doesn't have the cool to trust you He is already trying to place control over you. Ps just because you don't fight in front of the baby doesn't mean it can't hear you and it makes me really sad to learn hes in care of a child if this is how he deals with his problems it's likely when the child is older it will be subjected to the same verbal abuse when he's got an issue with how they're acting as well. Edited January 24, 2015 by Omei 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Author ddlovexx Posted January 24, 2015 Author Share Posted January 24, 2015 The baby is at his parents on the weekends and goes to bed relatively early. I said we bicker 1-2x a week like any normal people. We are generally very happy and lovey dovey most of the time. We don't fight like this. I've tried to say that. I'm not on the lease, I'm just here. I don't think he will literally kick me out, I think he was being rash. Still, I will stay in the spare room and figure out future accommodations. Link to post Share on other sites
WomenWubber Posted January 24, 2015 Share Posted January 24, 2015 Looks like he didn't learn how to handle frustration when he was a kid. Also you're showing signs of being emotionally unstable, probably due to emotional abuse (his or from your past). I'd take his actions as a big red warning flag, get a way from there and never look back. Link to post Share on other sites
KatZee Posted January 24, 2015 Share Posted January 24, 2015 I love him and there is far more good than bad. This is just a bad part. We are happy and have fun and are very comfy with each other 80% of the time and I think that counts for more than a fight. I do think this fight is very immature... I'm not blind to that. But it doesn't seem he'll even speak to me. I think you're a bit confused. Just because there are "good" times, doesn't mean you sit around and allow yourself to be abused for the remainder of the time. He's verbally and emotionally abusive. These are forms of control. He is trying to modify your behavior, and he will punish you, by verbally and emotionally abusing you until you conform to his standards. You're 4 months in. This is not a relationship with much investment, despite what you think. I also will personally guarantee you that the longer this goes on, the less these "good times" will happen. The abuse will take precedent and you will be so beaten down and manipulated that you won't be able to leave even if you wanted to. 7 Link to post Share on other sites
Omei Posted January 24, 2015 Share Posted January 24, 2015 The baby is at his parents on the weekends and goes to bed relatively early. I said we bicker 1-2x a week like any normal people. We are generally very happy and lovey dovey most of the time. We don't fight like this. I've tried to say that. I'm not on the lease, I'm just here. I don't think he will literally kick me out, I think he was being rash. Still, I will stay in the spare room and figure out future accommodations. Oh yeah when I was with my abuser the good times were all happy too when he was in a good mood, sweet, caring, romantic every time he got angry it would change and he would be so sorry. "We don't fight like this" But you just did didn't you? Go home you've seen clear insight to your future fights do you need him to go to the next level before your eyes are opened? He calls you names and then pushes you away and then watches you while you beg and doesn't offer chance of reconcile till hes good and ready this relationship is going to be very one sided. 2 Link to post Share on other sites
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