Big fight... Told me to pack my things?

[barcode88]

Yeah that always hurts I can relate with my first GF when I was much younger - we were kind of drifting apart, and then an acquaintance told me that she had been cheating on me the whole time. Hopefully never go through that ever again.

[katiegrl]

>>I guess I'm never going to see him again...<<

 

No sweetie... no guessing allowed here...you should be like "I will NEVER" see him again" and then stick to that!

 

It's bad enough that he's cheating, but then when you confront him about it...calmly...the way you did.... HE attempts to flip the script and call YOU crazy!??

 

That's called "gaslighting" and cheaters are notorious for it. Please google the term, I am not able to link it here. But it will give you some insight into the behavior and how to recognize it....

[preraph]

I just hate people who have no respect for the person they're with, no empathy, not enough decency to at least clear out before they start trying to accumulate other women. So sorry that happened to you, but I'm glad you snooped. I'm glad he was indignant, because that just shows what a tool he is. I'm glad he tried to lie his way out of it because that further shows there's no redemption for him and that you're clearly better than him and deserve more. Do NOT give him a chance to try to justify this. He's trying to see as many women as possible while keeping you squirreled away like nuts for the winter. Boot him. Don't look back.

[Zahara]

Does he takes me for a ****ing moron?

 

I'm sorry you are hurt again.

 

Unfortunately, when you allow people to bust your boundaries, they will more than likely keep crossing the line because you teach people how to treat you. In that he verbally abused you and treated you horribly, and you still went back to him, that was showing him that you will tolerate disrespect. And when you do that, they will do what they know -- disrespect.

 

Things were amazing only because it's a pattern of an abuser. It was never real but a facade to get you back again, and soon enough it all went to hell. He was never genuine in his intent or actions. It was never for you but for self-serving purposes.

 

This is a blessing to you. You may not see it now, but it was already a downhill slope when you were going through those issues with him from your last thread and it's gotten to a point where there should be no more tolerance for being treated this way. I hope you block him and start moving on with your life. Grieve the loss and what you had but don't go back to this. It was never worth it.

[mightycpa]

Does he takes me for a ****ing moron?

 

That's exactly the quote I was going to use, Zahara.

 

The short answer is YES.

[Zahara]

I don't know how to stop hurting.

 

Unfortunately, there is no way to "stop hurting". The only way to get past it is to go through it. There are no quick fixes.

 

I want him to talk to me and at least explain.

 

Explain what? Do you think someone that is verbally and emotionally abusive to you really cares to appease your need to understand what happened. If he didn't give a crap about your emotional and physical wellbeing, why would he care about it now? Besides, what can a cheater possibly tell you that will make whatever he says believable and fortright or even ease your pain and thoughts? Plus, nothing he says will change the fact that he did what he did. There is nothing to talk about. Focus on his actions. You have all your answers there.

 

How do I not blame myself?

 

You are accountable for where you are today. You chose to go back to him. Let that be a valuable lesson. You're however not to blame for his cheating. Do not take responsibility for his actions. He's responsible for straying from the relationship.

 

But the pain is so debilitating right now.

 

It is going to hurt you. Not only dealing with the pain of losing the relationship but the added pain of betrayal. It's hard but I got through it and you will too. It's going to take time but it won't always be like this.

[Eighty_nine]

I'm so sorry this happened to you. I'm concerned you'll take him back.

The 'crazy' thing is a line that emotional abusers use to make you think there's something wrong with YOU, when really it's the other way around.

 

You gotta feel it, the absolute despair of it, and go through it and you'll come out on the other side better for it. But please please don't go back to him to make the pain go away. Not only is he abusive, he's a cheater too. He'll never change, promise you that.

[fitnessfan365]

You got involved with a douchebag that treated you like crap, and had the good sense to move out. Why not trust your instincts and just cut the guy out of your life?

 

It sucks what you went through. But in the end, it was your choice to go back to the guy. So you have to live with the consequences and accept your responsibility in the situation.

[elaine567]

I want him to talk to me and at least explain.

 

Explain what?

Why he doesn't care about you?

How he managed to cheat on you with Kelly?

How he found her totally irresistible?

How he slept with her in your bed, on the kitchen table, on the floor of your living room, perhaps???

How he then moved on to Lynette and Brittany??

 

Or do you want him to tell you how much he really loves you and that you are destined to be together and that the other girls meant nothing to him and that you will both live happily ever after...

 

Wake up!

He cheated.

He is emotionally abusive.

He doesn't care a damn about you.

 

You should have ditched him months ago, I thought you were moving back to your own apartment and getting your cat back - what on earth happened?

[Buddhist]

He then called me crazy (no you don't deserve it)... He just kept saying that I was crazy for going through his phone .....He just keeps saying that I'm wrong and crazy (meanwhile, I'm talking to him in a normal tone of voice... not yelling or crying or anything really).

 

By pasting this extract from your own post on your fridge and reminding yourself that what he did was nasty, and then he tried to deflect his bad behaviour onto you. The feelings will take time but in he meantime you can remind yourself of why he wasn't relationship material.

[ddlovexx]

I did move out. I have a cat. We're done, I don't want to go back to him no matter how much it hurts.

 

I literally can't function though. Everything reminds me of him. We've been everywhere together, every song reminds me of him, he introduced me to the restaurant I now work out. I don't think anyone will love me the way he did when he did. Even if it's over. It's just so painful.

 

He texted me back and forth all day between wanting and missing me to not wanting to talk to me, etc. and I told him to please just leave me alone bc I'm too emotionally exhausted. I just want the pain to stop. He knows he's ****ed up, but that doesn't change anything.

 

Is it bad that I still want him in my life even if we're not dating? Blegh

Edited February 26, 2015 by ddlovexx

[Auspecial]

He would never lay a hand on me, but I guess he is emotionally abusing me. I mean, in the past we've been good about talking things out and he always says "we'll work on it" and the last time he had to pull a "I won't do it again", he really never did anything like it again. I'm the first serious, live-in relationship he's had in two years and I tend to think he is learning how to do it again.

 

I think I'll give him a day. He'll be at work all day anyway and I'd like to think he'll shoot me a text at some point, for some reason. I'm going to try my best to be strong and distant and if he wants me to leave, I will... I'm just not sure if he really meant that or if the alcohol/half asleepness was the reason for what he said. He honestly doesn't lash out too often and tends to be the one to come around and apologize first. There is also a child involved. But I'm hurt and tend to over-do it when I am bc I don't handle pain well. I guess time will tell. I need to find some strength

 

I think you are giving him too much benefit of the doubt. That's the way it almost always goes with the escalation of abusive behavior. You say he hasn't laid a hand on you. No, not yet. But the pattern appears to be there. And it appears to be escalating. "Get your Shiza out of my house" in the middle of the night is out of line. I had this happen to me once by a man who was constantly paranoid about me seeing other men. I suspect your guy is overloaded with the dance video because he is (at the least) more conservative and private than you and (at the most) very jealous about others appreciating your dance.

 

 

If alcohol is involved, maybe give another shot. But be very, very prepared to leave at a moments notice.

 

 

Also, your thoughts about the welfare of his child aren't necessarily his thoughts. You can lead a horse to water, but you can't force him to drink.

[CarrieT]

He texted me back and forth

He is only texting you back-and-forth because you ACKNOWLEDGE the texts!

 

I told him to please just leave me alone bc I'm too emotionally exhausted.

Just stop. No Contact means NOT ANSWERING texts! Ever!

 

Is it bad that I still want him in my life even if we're not dating? Blegh

It is not bad to WANT him. But it is bad to have him in your life, yes.

 

You can want what you want - but that is not healthy and you know it.

 

I know you are hurting. A Lot. But you are hurting because you are allowing him contact. You need to cut that cord IMMEDIATELY and forever.

 

Trust me: The Hurt Does Not Last.

[beyondcrushed]

Slam the door shut. Do not let him get a foot hold in your life. Ignore the texts, phone calls, etc. No contact.

 

Been there done that. They're called red flags for a reason. Others have been there, didn't heed the warning and got burned, bad.

 

I ignored the flags. My exbf never hit me the first time. I thought everything was always my fault. Devastated as u r after first breakup. But kept door open a crack, enough for him to come back into my life. During the second round of dating it got worse...more emotional abuse (he too locked himself in a room) and it ended when he hit me. This time I slammed the door and never looked back. Got over him quick.

 

You will too.

[ddlovexx]

It's not the abuse, he wouldn't. It's the cheating. I could never trust him now after all the lies. I bet he's texting those girls right now asking one to come over.

[beyondcrushed]

I never read the posts about the cheating. I'm so sorry. More ****ty things. Ya, if u can ignore him and not let him in. You will get over him quickly.

[ddlovexx]

I found out about the cheating this morning. It's new. I can't function.

[bathtub-row]

If everything reminds you of him, then it should remind you of what a psycho you've been dealing with. He's cold and calculating and self-centered but you just refuse to see it. I hope you snap out of it soon. He is not, and never will be, the person you thought he was.

[Echo74]

I'm 24. I know. Its just that its not this easy when you're attached. Traumatic attachment. This is excruciating

 

It's not the abuse, he wouldn't. It's the cheating. I could never trust him now after all the lies. I bet he's texting those girls right now asking one to come over.

 

I do feel for you. My husband of 20 years left me just before Thanksgiving. Having to go through all the holidays without him was the most excruciating time ever. I wondered about infidelity even though he insisted there is none, which ate at me. I've never been so hurt and like you, I couldn't eat, sleep, and cried nightly in bed.

 

But in my third month I decided that my happiness is up to ME. I had a choice of wallowing in self pity or picking myself up, so I choose happiness and look forward to the bright future I know I have.

 

Denial, Depression, Anger, Acceptance. Those are the four stages of loss of a loved one. I went through every one of them. You'll eventually accept. I believe you'll find true happiness. You're still very young and have SO much ahead of you! You will find someone who will love you more than (you think) he does and will show you how a real man treats you! Just hang in there.

Edited February 26, 2015 by Echo74

[Zahara]

I don't think anyone will love me the way he did when he did. Even if it's over.

 

The thing is he never did love you in the true, healthy and loving sense. It was a dysfunctional facade that he put up in the beginning because someone like him has no ability to love with empathy, kindness, care -- no man with love tells a woman to pack her stuff and get out when he knows she has nowhere to go. And he was cheating on you early into your relationship when two people should be happy in the honeymoon stage. And if that's the love you think you deserve, your loss is unfounded. It's your pain talking. The truth is there will be others that will offer you much more than the little he has.

 

IHe texted me back and forth all day between wanting and missing me to not wanting to talk to me, etc. and I told him to please just leave me alone bc I'm too emotionally exhausted. I just want the pain to stop. He knows he's ****ed up, but that doesn't change anything.

 

True to nature. Begging and pleading. This is what he did the last time when you were leaving. All he's doing is hoping to get his puppet back. If he loved you he wouldn't have been seeking Kelly, Brittany and etc. Its not that he knows he's f'd up, he's upset he got caught. If you hadn't checked his phone he'd still be doing crap behind your back. He even gas lighted you and made you feel bad for his cheating.

 

IIs it bad that I still want him in my life even if we're not dating? Blegh

 

It's not bad because you're driven by your emotions but yes it's bad to have him in your life.

Edited February 26, 2015 by Zahara

[ddlovexx]

I don't doubt that he loves me, believe it or not. I just don't think he knows how to properly. And I know loving me isn't enough at this point.

[Zahara]

I don't doubt that he loves me, believe it or not. I just don't think he knows how to properly. And I know loving me isn't enough at this point.

 

Yes, that is why I said not in the true and healthy sense. He "loves" in a dysfunctional way and probably the only way he knows how. He may even think it's love in his mind but you and I looking from the outside, it's not the kind of love that you deserve. Love also entails compassion, empathy, care, loyalty, honesty -- he's lacked in those solid values.

 

"Love" aside. He's abusive and a cheater. There's nothing left.

 

You need to block him off and move on. Having dealt with a guy like him, he'll keep coming back to try to get you back in, and it won't be because he loves you. You've gone down the rabbit hole far enough and it's time to start looking at who he really is and the reality of what you really had, not the image you once created in your mind.

Edited February 26, 2015 by Zahara

[nlynnc]

This sounds so much like the experiences I had with my kids father at the very beginning of our relationship. It will ONLY get worse! I know its hard to leave him tho because you are emotionally invested in him. He seriously is just going to bring you down and not help you to become the vibrant woman you deserve to be! And it doesnt matter if he's nice at times, thats how i thought about it too. But when he's mean and makes you feel like crap, ITS NOT OK....doesnt matter how 'nice' he can be at times.

[ddlovexx]

Don't worry guys, I'm not getting back with him. I'm not sure I'm strong enough for no contact yet (just being honest) but maybe soon. I went out last night to see some live music bc I didn't wanna sit home. I cried during some of the songs but was glad I went out anyway. I'm trying.

 

Hopefully I get this new full time job after my interview this weekend, that will keep me busy and more financially comfy. I came here to pursue a music career and damnit, I'm gonna do it. The good coming out of this is that I'll have a lot of fuel to write songs. He'll be sorry when he sees me on TV one day. And I won't care by then.

 

But for now I still love him and care very much. All I can do is take it day by day.

[Zahara]

I think you're making a bad decision by being accessible to his contact. When you are emotionally weak, you make bad choices and men like him will see this weakness as an opportunity to prey.

 

You can love him and still care but you also need to respect and love yourself. You said you were done when he was abusive to you and yet you went back. I can't help but wonder if at some point when the drama has died and he's cried his tears, you'll soften and go back.

 

No one can tell you what to do because it's evident from your past thread that you will choose to do what you want. In the end, I just hope you stay true to yourself and realize you deserve so much better.