MJJean Posted February 9, 2015 Share Posted February 9, 2015 She talks to my daughter but as always my daughter has to be the one to call. She never calls for either of the kids. My daughter has finally started to detach some and I know that is sad but I think in this case its probably for the best. Her mother for some stupid reason always has her phone on the speaker phone and her new BF comments about my daughter in negative ways. For instance if she is arguing with her mother about leaving he speaks up and says if she was there he would slap her in her mouth and teach her a lesson. He has made other statements about physically punishing her. Her mother does not stand up for her or tell him to step back at all. I will never understand it but all I can do is be there for her and keep encourage her to see things for the way they are not the way her mom wants to say they are. Clay Are you recording these calls? I'd document his comments in every way possible. If you ever want to change the custody/visitation agreement you'll need evidence that there is a good reason for it. Other than that, I agree with the other poster who said that if the ex is going to put the phone on speaker and allow her low-life piece of trash to speak to your child that way you will cease all contact. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Lion Heart Posted February 10, 2015 Share Posted February 10, 2015 Sometimes children are better off when an unstable parent is out of the picture. Bad mental issues and morals does not make for a good role model. Hi Clay, ofcourse it's wonderful that your ex-WW is experiencing her just desserts. She deserves it all. Hopefully all those clowns just know you'd be chuckling out loud when the kids aren't around. You got the kids, you got the house, you got the new wife. So yeah that's all you need to remember. Actually you're getting your just desserts too. Well done! !! I was raised by a mentally unstable mother. It was a horrible upbringing. She was a single parent. I've had NC for the past 12 years since she was jailed (yeah) for holding me and my new born twins hostage in my home then the rest that day. I was "attached" to her so couldn't put an AVO on her. The police did that anyway. Then counseled me enough that I "got it". Suffered from depression afterwards from my loss of her and my 39 other relatives I lost that day. You need to protect your daughters from her as much as possible. You know that. They need to be able to talk about how they're feeling about her and anything she says or does. Getting lots of sounding boards for them is important so they never "normalise" her behavior. My whole family were in denial about my mother (easier for them) but this meant I DID normalise her behavior. It's too much to deal with as a mother, it's best to process these things throughout your life. You are doing this. As a U2 song says "you can sew it up but you still see the tear". Make those tears tiny by exposure to their mother. You provide the massive rope to sew those tears up. Your story is great. I love that your children ended up with the right parent. Lion Heart. Link to post Share on other sites
Lion Heart Posted February 10, 2015 Share Posted February 10, 2015 (edited) She talks to my daughter but as always my daughter has to be the one to call. She never calls for either of the kids. My daughter has finally started to detach some and I know that is sad but I think in this case its probably for the best. Her mother for some stupid reason always has her phone on the speaker phone and her new BF comments about my daughter in negative ways. For instance if she is arguing with her mother about leaving he speaks up and says if she was there he would slap her in her mouth and teach her a lesson. He has made other statements about physically punishing her. Her mother does not stand up for her or tell him to step back at all. I will never understand it but all I can do is be there for her and keep encourage her to see things for the way they are not the way her mom wants to say they are. Clay There is some crazy sh** going on in exWW head and relationships that she even has any other person listening in on conversations with her children. My exWH did similar things with MY daughter. Always involving his new wife, mainly because she's a control freak. She was jealous WH had a daughter before marrying her. She knew WH was wayward still, worried he actually wanted me but I rejected him. But mainly B** wanted to ridicule my daughter to make herself and their life appear better than ours. WH & B criticized EVERY POSSIBLE THING about my daughter, yet she's intelligent, Resilient, beautiful and a now a wonderful mother herself (now 22 and we separated when she was 9-10 months old). Allowing the new spouse access to all conversations and visitations is somehow "allying" the new spouse to be on "their" side. If you get my drift? It's a dysfunctional act by the exWS of bonding the new partner to them. IMO that's why they do it. They care far more about their own a$$ than their own children. Your exWS has shown about as much dedication and devotion to their children as I would a dead rat. Yeah in the trash. Their mother doesn't phone? Yep same. At 18yo my exWH hung up on my daughter when he phoned her for her birthday (only occasions). He hadn't spoken to her in 6 mths. She wanted to see how long it would take for her father to remember her. She was nice at the time but he got the cranks that she'd moved interstate without telling him. He hung up on her. He didn't contact her again for 3 years. The g/mother found by Faceache stalking that my daughter had had a baby! So she wanted in. Got exWH to contact her. That didn't last! They rejected her again by Christmas time. My daughter's like Meh, who cares. Sorry it's long but to support my daughter all thosr years to get to the Meh. Stage was fantastic. They don't deserve her!!! That's my point. Your exWW who is exWW to #2 man at least does not deserve the love of your children but they will anyway. They need to get to a place where they're not ATTACHED to her. To be dependent on such a crazy person makes normal people crazy. Lion Heart. ** B is for her first name not a description! Edited February 10, 2015 by Lion Heart Link to post Share on other sites
Author Clay Posted February 10, 2015 Author Share Posted February 10, 2015 Are you recording these calls? I'd document his comments in every way possible. If you ever want to change the custody/visitation agreement you'll need evidence that there is a good reason for it. Other than that, I agree with the other poster who said that if the ex is going to put the phone on speaker and allow her low-life piece of trash to speak to your child that way you will cease all contact. I am not recording the calls. I do not feel she is going to fight for access come summer time. She really only talks me my daughter when my daughter calls and that is getting less and less due to the treatment m daughter is receiving. I have already told my daughter she wont be going to spend time with her mother this summer. I do agree that I probably should cut off contact with her mother but my daughter is in therapy and the therapist is saying as long as we keep a eye on things and it does not get to bad its good for my daughter to see her mom for who she really is. Natural consequences. You know when I sat down and talked about having kids I never dreamed I would be going through this and my kids wouldn't be suffering like this. Clay 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Spectre Posted February 10, 2015 Share Posted February 10, 2015 She is missing out. I think for once in there life they really see there mother for who she really is. I would like to say as a betrayed spouse that it makes me feel good but honestly it just breaks my heart. I feel I let my kids down by choosing to be with a woman that cares so little about her kids. Clay Yeah as much as it might suck...these kids seeing her for who she really is..is nothing but a good thing. Merely because it will now be infinitely harder for her to let these children down again since their expectations from her will now already be very low. So there is a silver lining. Plus there is the super small chance that she might actually grow up and use this experience to perhaps not cheat on the next guy she is with. Yeah, probably not, but stranger things have happened. The older these kids get, the more they will come to realize who she truly is. It might not be ideal of course, but it sure as hell beats them thinking she walks on water. I'd rather know one of my parents was shady then to forever go on thinking they weren't until one day as an adult I realize it all and have to deal with all of that at one time. Link to post Share on other sites
Author Clay Posted February 10, 2015 Author Share Posted February 10, 2015 Yeah as much as it might suck...these kids seeing her for who she really is..is nothing but a good thing. Merely because it will now be infinitely harder for her to let these children down again since their expectations from her will now already be very low. So there is a silver lining. Plus there is the super small chance that she might actually grow up and use this experience to perhaps not cheat on the next guy she is with. Yeah, probably not, but stranger things have happened. The older these kids get, the more they will come to realize who she truly is. It might not be ideal of course, but it sure as hell beats them thinking she walks on water. I'd rather know one of my parents was shady then to forever go on thinking they weren't until one day as an adult I realize it all and have to deal with all of that at one time. I do agree with what you are saying. I just hate that my kids even have to go through any of this. I know no one is perfect but my childhood was messed up too. I just really wanted to do right by my kids and give them the opportunities I did not get. The only good that will come of this is they will distance themselves away from her and hopefully when they grow up they will keep there kids away from her as well. Clay 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Author Clay Posted August 31, 2015 Author Share Posted August 31, 2015 Just figured I would update this thread. Since this all went down my xW stopped talking to my kids and walked out on seeing them at all until this weekend. She called my daughter up friday night. She is now back in town and staying at her sisters house. I didn't think to much of the call until my daughter came and told me her mom had just been released from the hospital earlier that day. It turns out the guy she ran off with his been beating on her throughout there relationship. She texted me a picture and it looks like something straight out of a horror moving. He beat her severely on the right side of her face and her ribs. It also turns out she is 4 months pregnant with his child. I just feel sick for her. I know she is a cheater but no one deserves that. I took my daughter to see her Saturday and found out that the reason he beat her was because she took to long getting him out of jail. I am not quite sure why he was in jail in the first place but it has something to do with a failure to appear. Aside of all the bruises she looks almost ten years older. I can only imagine it was hell being with him. The cops are currently looking for the guy and its looking like this isn't his first time so he will more than likely go to prison for it. I think she is going to try to get back with her exBF that she has three kids with but he already has a girlfriend and has moved her in so this will be interesting to see how this all pans out. Especially with the fact she is going to have a child from the guy she cheated on him with. What a mess. I told her there will be no unsupervised visits for a while( 1 until I am sure there is no threat to my kids as in the guy is in jail. 2 I am sure she is not going to just run off again. ) I feel a little guilty. I feel bad for her but I also felt good driving away that night knowing she is not my problem. C 1 Link to post Share on other sites
turnera Posted August 31, 2015 Share Posted August 31, 2015 I'll bet! Like, thank God that's not ME who has to deal with this trainwreck. I hope she gets into therapy, though, to learn why she is so self-destructive. Link to post Share on other sites
autumnnight Posted August 31, 2015 Share Posted August 31, 2015 I just feel sick for her. I know she is a cheater but no one deserves that. THIS statement is part of why you are a good man. Some people would be relishing it - you have empathy. And I don't blame you about the supervised visits. Somebody has to keep your kids safe. Link to post Share on other sites
Jkidding Posted August 31, 2015 Share Posted August 31, 2015 (edited) answered to original post but it is obsolete. I deleted my reply Edited August 31, 2015 by Jkidding Link to post Share on other sites
aliveagain Posted August 31, 2015 Share Posted August 31, 2015 Fwak, did you dodge a bullet is all I can say. Thank God that your children have you to show them what a good parent looks like. Link to post Share on other sites
ladydesigner Posted August 31, 2015 Share Posted August 31, 2015 Wow that is an awful turn of events for your XW. I really hope this is rock bottom for her and she cleans her life up. Link to post Share on other sites
TX-SC Posted August 31, 2015 Share Posted August 31, 2015 Well, that sure took a bad turn but you could see it coming. Your wife has some serious issues and needs counseling to figure out why she can't be faithful or dedicate herself to her family. You are handling this well and your kids are better off as a result. You now have the chance to be the better man and lend your children support without talking down to them about their mother. How does your wife (not xwife) feel about all of this drama? Link to post Share on other sites
Author Clay Posted August 31, 2015 Author Share Posted August 31, 2015 I hope she will slow things down and focus on doing better for herself but she is not like that. I have known her since we were both young and I doubt this will be the last of the problems we see. I sat my daughter down and talked to her about it and to her credit I think she is handling things quite well. I just told her we need to hold back and watch to see how things play out. Its really sad my kids have to go through this but hopefully in time they will be able to protect themselves against these kinds of things. Its sad they have to see this kind of stuff but it will be seriously limited from my part. They will not be alone with her until he is in jail and I am sure she is getting herself stable again. I think personally its probably best she stays alone for a while but she hasn't been with out a guy in her life since she was a teenager so I doubt that is going to happen. I have not talked to my son about it. He has been in a mental health facility for the last 6 months so I am going to wait until she is closer to being healed before I bring her up there to see him. I want to be there when the visit happens so I can make sure he will be doing ok. I really do feel bad for her but my kids our my priority. C Link to post Share on other sites
qubist Posted August 31, 2015 Share Posted August 31, 2015 Clay: you are trying to do the right thing, she is a mess and really needs help. I understand that you are not at a position to be a "friend" and Honestly you shouldn't, but wondering if she has any family or friends that would hold her hand and show her some loving care and guide her. she needs therapy so bad thhis is rock bottom for her the next would be suicide Link to post Share on other sites
Author Clay Posted August 31, 2015 Author Share Posted August 31, 2015 Our last year together I pushed her to go into counseling. Our marriage ended shortly after that when I caught her cheating on me again. To my knowledge she has not gone back since. I have tried several more times to get her to get into counseling but she looks as each attempt as me having some other motive for her going. I hope she would go back in to counseling. It would be good for her to get her life straightened out. When I took my daughter to see her the other night it was at a restaurant and her sisters husband brought her. Right as we were getting ready to leave she made a comment that her xOM was a great man compared to the one she just broke up with. I damn near fell over. I said you know in all the years I have known you; you could never see the serious red flags. Your xOM is no better than the one that just beat you. You starving do death and your kids starving to death because he won't get up and go get a job is the the same if not as worse as you being physically beaten on. (Earlier that year when she had my daughter they did not have food in the house for almost a week and my daughter did not eat for three days until they finally let her call me. Some of this was on my daughter because when they did get a little bit of food my daughter refused to eat so that the younger kids could have more. Once I learned of that the summer visit ended.) I told her when we walked out to the cars she should stay single for a while and get herself back on her feet. You would have thought I was threatening her life. Her and her sisters husband looked at me like I was stupid. I just turned around and walked off. I am slowly realizing that some people are meant to suffer and will never learn. I think that is a hard lesson for me to learn as well because I have always been a fixer. Sorry for the mess today. Things are a little hectic. C Link to post Share on other sites
qubist Posted August 31, 2015 Share Posted August 31, 2015 that's really sad, as far as you are concerned you should make sure that your kids are not affected by this. do not underestimate any thing I hope that both of your kids had seen a therapist Link to post Share on other sites
ladydesigner Posted August 31, 2015 Share Posted August 31, 2015 my daughter did not eat for three days until they finally let her call me. Wow Clay I'm really happy your daughter has you. I will never understand a mother who fails to protect her child. Link to post Share on other sites
Author Clay Posted August 31, 2015 Author Share Posted August 31, 2015 My kids see a therapist twice a week and have for the last couple of years. Family session and individual. So I go to twice a week for the family sessions. I am a very protective dad so she wont be getting to close to them until she has made some serious strides in being stable and supportive of them. C 2 Link to post Share on other sites
beatcuff Posted August 31, 2015 Share Posted August 31, 2015 Clay, it is obvious this situation is 'over the top'. and i have nothing to offer as this way beyond my abilities and maybe even this board. i never liked this theme of Karma on this thread and others. the first couple of pages were giddy with 'justice'. what a troubling turn. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Marc878 Posted August 31, 2015 Share Posted August 31, 2015 Wow! Just Wow! You can't help that. No one can. Just be glad to be out of that mess. Link to post Share on other sites
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