BS's and the Moral High Horse. Or...Wayward Empahy?

[Selfish]

Your story seems to have a dream ending for WWs....strong, loving, caring, "secure" husband gives WW a second shot...and yet you mention in your other post just yesterday:

.... my husband made a comment out of the blue one day. He told me "oh you mean last year when you were whoring around"...

 

If you merely want to brush it off as a "trigger", a favorite phrase on this forum, well, that's your choice...but to me, it doesn't sound like all's well and forgiven...

 

That was one incident I gave as an example to the person in that thread that reconciliation isn't linear. That the BS doesn't go in a straight path of recovery. That even in the case of my husband who I consider mild in his reaction to my betrayal there was still angry words spoken and comments made. I never said it was a trigger. nor was I "brushing" it off. At the time thought it was a hurtful reminder of what I had done to him. If you are going to cross reference me at least put the whole bit in instead of taking it out of context to serve your agenda.

 

my husband made a comment out of the blue one day. He told me "oh you mean last year when you were whoring around"...

 

that was like a sucker punch to me and before I could help it a few tears sprung to my eyes and I had to leave the room as not to cry in front of him. To many BS it woudn't matter what word he used but to the WS it made the world of difference. to me his words meant I was out banging every dude I could. He did apologize to me. And i apologized again for doing what I did. But the whole thing made me realize that the anger over my actions didn't just go away. Or the pain. He was just sorting through it on his own. After that I reacted much better when something was said. I made his comments less about me and more about his pain.

NO brushing it off and no talking about triggers.

 

And here is the thing you missed. In the post talking about how my H treats me now it is clear several years have passed. And in that last quote it was the year after my affair. If I remember right less than a full year after my confession.

 

I may not have lost my family in the end over my actions. I did lose my self respect, honour and dignity. I hurt the man I loved and risked everything for a small thrill that didn't last long for me. I had to work hard to gain those things back and my H's respect. And I had to see the pain of my actions and know there was nothing I could do about it.

 

So I got the "dream ending" but if I could go back and do it over again I'd never cheat in the first place. The dream ending? it didn't come easy like you seem to think for me or my husband. I never want to hurt anyone like i hurt him again. I will never forget his face when I confessed. And I will never ever forget his love when he was hurting and I didn't deserve it.

 

If a person actually goes into an affair thinking if they get caught they'll be forgiven. That attitude alone could bring down their marriage during reconciliation. I am not worried sharing my "dream ending" will encourage people to cheat. People will pick and choose and believe what they want to believe to suit their own agenda.

Edited December 21, 2014 by Selfish

[fellini]

You display a profound lack of knowledge about infidelity and especially the institution of marriage over history. You project.

 

You might believe you can reduce the men in this world, or in any world you think you live in, into Alpha and Beta but you would be wrong. This isn't opinion. Knowing A LOT ABOUT ONE THING does not make you even remotely an EXPERT in ANYTHING.

 

"If the only tool you have is a hammer, you tend to trend the world as if it were a nail."

 

Your posts which singularly harp on your believe in Alpha Beta are a case in point.

 

 

Infidelity is a much deeper betrayal, and if you think the modern world and it's sophistication changes the nature of the betrayal, well, that's your opinion. My opinion is that a wife's infidelity today probably hurt the same 10,000 years ago as it did today.

[Zenstudent]

Is it very important to you that because my husband did not allow my actions to destroy him or drag him down to my level that he must have no morals or not care? Or be getting a piece on the side. Attack me all you want. Call me names and get your kicks in. But don't try to cast shadow on someone you don't even know just to feel better about your own actions. People react differently to infidelity. I understand it completely destroying someone. Specially if the wayward is caught, gaslights, trickle truths, multiple DDays. the affair is with a close buddy or family member. I am not going to tell someone who can't get off the floor because it hurts so bad to just "get over it". Why do others feel the need to judge my husband for reacting differently than them?

 

He let me know quite loud and clear that me stepping out was not acceptable. Maybe in the sense that his happiness and identity did not hinge on me being a faithful wife he was less destroyed by my actions. But he was hurt and so very disappointed in me. And he told me there would be no marriage if I continued. He values fidelity in marriage. It doesn't mean he won't forgive and give me a second shot.

 

When I was waiting for more typical behaviour from my husband. Or at least internet typical I thought maybe he was cheating. So I did the snooping. Threw in some surprise visits to his work. What I found was nothing. Not even something that was suspect. And then I realized I was projecting. I was projecting my poor morals and decisions onto him. I was trying to "think" like him and judge him by my low standards. And so I stopped.

Wow. Talk about projection? I didn't call you names, I didn't attack you, I didn't kick you. And which actions of mine do you think I need to feel better about?

 

I was merely pointing out two observations, since you used your husbands light response - in your own words. Do you really think that I'm way off, when I say that a lot of people these days treat infidelity lightly? And me suggesting that he might have had an affair himself is insulting to you and him, even when you thought about it yourself and investigated it?

 

Do you have something personal against me? Or is it just ax grinding?

[Selfish]

Wow. Talk about projection? I didn't call you names, I didn't attack you, I didn't kick you. And which actions of mine do you think I need to feel better about?

 

I was merely pointing out two observations, since you used your husbands light response - in your own words. Do you really think that I'm way off, when I say that a lot of people these days treat infidelity lightly? And me suggesting that he might have had an affair himself is insulting to you and him, even when you thought about it yourself and investigated it?

 

Do you have something personal against me? Or is it just ax grinding?

 

Actually, I mean the you as a universal you not a you specifically. I apologize if that wasn't clear. I don't think you are much of a name caller.

 

however, my husband was deeply hurt by my actions. he just managed to pull it together much better than typical. It is judgmental and critical to think he musn't have cared I cheated or is a cheater himself.

 

I knew he cared. I only questioned his response as I said because I was projecting my own bad behaviour onto him. What are you projecting on to him that you felt the need to question him?

[Zenstudent]

Actually, I mean the you as a universal you not a you specifically. I apologize if that wasn't clear. I don't think you are much of a name caller.

 

however, my husband was deeply hurt by my actions. he just managed to pull it together much better than typical. It is judgmental and critical to think he musn't have cared I cheated or is a cheater himself.

 

I knew he cared. I only questioned his response as I said because I was projecting my own bad behaviour onto him. What are you projecting on to him that you felt the need to question him?

I really don't need to question him, if that's what you think I'm doing by pointing out, that there can be many reasons for a light response to infidelity. Just not in your case apparantly.

 

I was about to say that I don't project either, but I also know that we all do. So thinking about it, what I could be projecting would be a transition towards indifference. But that wouldn't make any sense, since you clearly state that he shows you that he loves you, so no projection there either, I guess. You're just lucky, but you already know that.

 

Enjoy your holidays together.