Did he just dump me for good? Is it at all possible he loves me?

[Monicaxxx]

No. Let him stew.

 

He requested time/space, correct? Give it to him.

 

So how much time should I give him? How do I know when I've given him enough time?

[Sub]

Also, he lives quite far from my place but he drove here just to post it through my door. He could have just sent it through post, why did he bother then to drive all the way down here and back? He knew I would be at work at that time.

 

Evidence, maybe. There's more if he sends it through the mail.

[Monicaxxx]

Evidence, maybe. There's more if he sends it through the mail.

 

But he wouldn't have to write his name on the envelope.

The card would be an evidence itself, as it's signed.

 

BTW, he signed it Yours, and put his name.

 

Just thought... maybe I should send that dvd back to his work with a note: Thank you, I've already seen that film?

(He knows I have as we've seen it together).

[FusionCutter]

I've managed not to contact him at all since our last conversation.

 

If I'm faltering it's because I still love him.

 

Emotional energy is a precious resource. We don't live with infinite amounts of it. You should stop giving this man your energy. Just because he gave you a gift doesn't mean he loves you. Take a stance. If you loved you truly, he would be with you, but he didnt when he had a chance.

 

He's not spending holidays with you. Right?

[Monicaxxx]

Emotional energy is a precious resource. We don't live with infinite amounts of it. You should stop giving this man your energy. Just because he gave you a gift doesn't mean he loves you. Take a stance. If you loved you truly, he would be with you, but he didnt when he had a chance.

 

He's not spending holidays with you. Right?

 

So are you saying I can't ever be in touch with him again?

[elaine567]

So are you saying I can't ever be in touch with him again?

 

Why would you ever want to be in touch with him?

He is married, he is trying to fix things up with his wife.

He had a chance to be with you and he decided his wife and his family mattered more to him than you.

 

You are lying to yourself, making stuff up that is not the reality here.

 

If he truly loved you, he would be there with you now, nothing would stop him and you would be planning Xmas together, as it is, he would rather spend time in his wife's basement than be with you.

He doesn't see you as partner material, fine on the side, but not as a serious proposition.

He couldn't even come round when you were at home, he snuck in whilst you were at work to avoid you. The gift is because he is feeling guilty, for dumping you and he may need you as a back up sometime. That is not love.

 

YOU are wasting your time, making up fantasies in your head here.

[Monicaxxx]

Why would you ever want to be in touch with him?

 

Because I love him and miss him so much. ; (

[FusionCutter]

So are you saying I can't ever be in touch with him again?

 

If you read what I wrote, that's not what I said. If you want to contact him, you have to ask yourself, what good does this do? Is this is what I want out of life?

 

Do you ever look at married men that going to strip clubs to be entertained, and think wow what's going on with them? Or married man who goes sees a prostitute?

 

You are an available single woman. He could be with you if he wanted. But his actions show that he doesn't want to be with you. Giving you a present is not showing that he wants to be with you. It is like a married man who gives his favorite stripper a present. You are an experience to him. He loves the idea of having you around, but he doesn't want to be with you because if he does, he would be with you.

 

If this is what you want and you were okay with it then continue to contact him. But you have to see the situation for what it is. He's freaking 20 years older than you. He's a wise man.. If you want to be with you, he would be with you, it's really simple. Don't compromise on this.

 

Men who love truly love a woman would sacrifice anything and do anything to be with someone they love and want to be with. The keyword is truly.

[whichwayisup]

Because I love him and miss him so much. ; (

 

Just because you love him doesn't mean he has to be in your life. Yes you miss him, so cry it out and eat a tub of icecream, a big of chips and a chocolate bar. DO post here but do not contact him.

 

Your A is over, right? It's just so pointless to keep in touch.

 

Losing someone is painful so just embrace that pain and deal with it head on. The sooner you work through the stages of grief, the sooner you'll feel better and be able to find happiness again.

 

Hanging onto someone who chose his wife and family over you IS damaging to you. No friendship can happen.

[Monicaxxx]

If you read what I wrote, that's not what I said. If you want to contact him, you have to ask yourself, what good does this do? Is this is what I want out of life?

 

Do you ever look at married men that going to strip clubs to be entertained, and think wow what's going on with them? Or married man who goes sees a prostitute?

 

You are an available single woman. He could be with you if he wanted. But his actions show that he doesn't want to be with you. Giving you a present is not showing that he wants to be with you. It is like a married man who gives his favorite stripper a present. You are an experience to him. He loves the idea of having you around, but he doesn't want to be with you because if he does, he would be with you.

 

If this is what you want and you were okay with it then continue to contact him. But you have to see the situation for what it is. He's freaking 20 years older than you. He's a wise man.. If you want to be with you, he would be with you, it's really simple. Don't compromise on this.

 

Men who love truly love a woman would sacrifice anything and do anything to be with someone they love and want to be with. The keyword is truly.

 

It hurts so much, I don't know how to cope with that pain any longer.

[Monicaxxx]

Just because you love him doesn't mean he has to be in your life. Yes you miss him, so cry it out and eat a tub of icecream, a big of chips and a chocolate bar. DO post here but do not contact him.

 

Your A is over, right? It's just so pointless to keep in touch.

 

Losing someone is painful so just embrace that pain and deal with it head on. The sooner you work through the stages of grief, the sooner you'll feel better and be able to find happiness again.

 

Hanging onto someone who chose his wife and family over you IS damaging to you. No friendship can happen.

 

What are the stages of grief? Where am I now?

[FusionCutter]

It hurts so much, I don't know how to cope with that pain any longer.

 

I want to show you something. It's called the Kübler-Ross Model & DABDA. Have a read and I hope it helps.

 

Kübler-Ross model - Wikipedia, the free encyclopedia

[Cressida]

Monica, rememeber:

 

1) It is about what you want. What do you want? Him? Do you want to break free and move on? You have to decide. Once your mind is set you'll see the next step with much more clarity.

 

2) He said, actually the two of you discussed that he'll be taking a month off from you, basically, to reconnect with his kids. And that he'll also decide on what to do with his wife, if I remember well, right? You have to respect this arrangement. Be level-headed. Do as you said you would.

 

3) He's not contacting you through the phone/mail because he might be monitored at home. You don't know what his wife may be like. Don't contact him back via these channels unless you're responding to one of his messages.

 

4) You could say merry XMas, I don't understand why does everyone think it's a wrong idea? You and MM didn't agree on 100% NC, but NC until he sorts things out. You can respond with a standard greeting and nothing else. I don't see the problem in being civilized, and it's unlikely that he'll start bombarding you with messages as he's at home with his wife.

 

5) Don't send anything back to his house....or work. It could cause damage and you're not in for that. Just sleep on it and if you really really feel like sending a thank you or something, wait for a little bit. If he doesn't contact you, send him a merry XMas greeting on Christmas Day, something you know it's safe (e-mail?). Nothing less, nothing more.

 

Wait for him to contact you, remember you agreed on a month. Give him that, as at least he gave you a deadline. Then you can discuss further on. But don't contact him as you may get him in trouble. Just don't.

 

Don't be upset or sad...things will become much better. You just have to yank yourself out of that place and think about other people, other men you could meet, someone who'd be a better match, a future companion...don't put negative thoughts in your own mind, don't overthink. Focus on something, whatever that may be, and not think about him all the time.

I know it sounds hard to do but trust me, once you get in the habit, it won't be that hard after a short while.

 

Please don't torture yourself....it won't take you anywhere. Think positively....

[snappytomcat]

dear monica

im truly sorry for your pain,but please for your own sake don't contact him for anything not even to thank him,hes a liar and playing games that's what most mms do,cause if you did contact him and he didn't respond,that would be a painful blow to you,stay strong

[FusionCutter]

It hurts so much, I don't know how to cope with that pain any longer.

 

A healthy, good, relationship shouldn't feel this way. There was a time where the affair was perhaps exactly you wanted. Now it's just not worth the pain.

 

Take care of yourself. The reason many people have left you messages here because is they understand how much it hurts and what you're going through.

 

They understand it much more than your MM. If he understood your pain and cared about it, he wouldn't be doing this to you, but instead he won't leave you alone.

[Monicaxxx]

Monica, rememeber:

 

1) It is about what you want. What do you want? Him? Do you want to break free and move on? You have to decide. Once your mind is set you'll see the next step with much more clarity.

 

2) He said, actually the two of you discussed that he'll be taking a month off from you, basically, to reconnect with his kids. And that he'll also decide on what to do with his wife, if I remember well, right? You have to respect this arrangement. Be level-headed. Do as you said you would.

 

3) He's not contacting you through the phone/mail because he might be monitored at home. You don't know what his wife may be like. Don't contact him back via these channels unless you're responding to one of his messages.

 

4) You could say merry XMas, I don't understand why does everyone think it's a wrong idea? You and MM didn't agree on 100% NC, but NC until he sorts things out. You can respond with a standard greeting and nothing else. I don't see the problem in being civilized, and it's unlikely that he'll start bombarding you with messages as he's at home with his wife.

 

5) Don't send anything back to his house....or work. It could cause damage and you're not in for that. Just sleep on it and if you really really feel like sending a thank you or something, wait for a little bit. If he doesn't contact you, send him a merry XMas greeting on Christmas Day, something you know it's safe (e-mail?). Nothing less, nothing more.

 

Wait for him to contact you, remember you agreed on a month. Give him that, as at least he gave you a deadline. Then you can discuss further on. But don't contact him as you may get him in trouble. Just don't.

 

Don't be upset or sad...things will become much better. You just have to yank yourself out of that place and think about other people, other men you could meet, someone who'd be a better match, a future companion...don't put negative thoughts in your own mind, don't overthink. Focus on something, whatever that may be, and not think about him all the time.

I know it sounds hard to do but trust me, once you get in the habit, it won't be that hard after a short while.

 

Please don't torture yourself....it won't take you anywhere. Think positively....

 

Thank you for all the answers Cressida, they exactly hit the spot.

 

Ad. 1. I would love to be with him but not sure I could after he rejected me.

 

Ad. 2. Exactly, so why did he text me he misses me and now this card? He didn't want to contact me so I've respected it so far, he hasn't. Plus, he said roughly a month, it can be longer.

I think he's reconnecting mainly with her, not only with kids and he got me that film that I don't want to watch again and probably got his wife a lovely gift, not like me.

 

Ad.3. He could easily contact me from his work email, no one is monitoring him there.

 

Ad.4. I'm thinking about sending him a thank you and merry Xmas on a Xmas day but not sure yet.

 

Ad.5. What damage would it cause if I sent it to work?

 

When you say wait for him to contact you, what exactly should I be waiting for? He already contacted me - sort of.

[Timshel]

A healthy, good, relationship shouldn't feel this way. There was a time where the affair was perhaps exactly you wanted. Now it's just not worth the pain.

 

Take care of yourself. The reason many people have left you messages here because is they understand how much it hurts and what you're going through.

 

They understand it much more than your MM. If he understood your pain and cared about it, he wouldn't be doing this to you, but instead he won't leave you alone.[/quote

 

^^^^^THIS^^^^^

[Cressida]

Ad.3. He could easily contact me from his work email, no one is monitoring him there.

 

Ad.4. I'm thinking about sending him a thank you and merry Xmas on a Xmas day but not sure yet.

 

Ad.5. What damage would it cause if I sent it to work?

 

When you say wait for him to contact you, what exactly should I be waiting for? He already contacted me - sort of.

 

I thought you said that you and MM agreed on him getting back to you after the time he's taking off to think about his 'final' decision. I may have misunderstood, but to me it seemed that what you discussed was indicating that he would think about whether to leave his wife or not.

 

Was this the case, or just NC because of the holidays? I am confused now

 

As for the contact thing, he is contacting you to see if you answer and if you're still there for him. He doesn't say anything 'meaty', he's just yanking the chain to keep the soup warm. I understand as he's human after all and that's what i'd myself do in a situation like this.

 

It is for you to decide if you want to communicate something- merry XMas or something about the gift. But please let me know why you want to return the gift, is it because you two decided to break up for good? Or because you're just pissed?

 

If you're pissed, don't channel your anger and disappointment in this way. It's never productive. Be smart about it.

 

Follow the deadline HE set up for himself. Nothing less, nothing more. Be a 'fair game' player even if he isn't, as he is, duh, married. Show him that you have verticality as a person and are an adult.

 

Don't return anything to work yet. Never do hasty things as you will end up regretting them.

E-mail him on XMas day with merry holidays and all the best, or a standard, polite but nice message. Nothing else afterwards....let's see what happens.

 

If you want to truly get rid of him for good and move on, send a merry xmas as you don't want to be ill-mannered and after the holidays send him an e-mail explaining that you think it's for the best to distance yourself, that you wish him a happy life, and you hope that everything will be ok with him and the kids, but that you are moving on, NC and all that, and you would appreciate if he respected you.

 

If you chose your 'walk-out' moment carefully and then do it in a good way, it can only bring good things to you. But please, for the n-th time Monica, what do you want from this man? You have to decide!

[Cressida]

 

Ad. 1. I would love to be with him but not sure I could after he rejected me.

.

 

Until you two have a discussion on what's going to happen, for real, he didn't reject you. From what I understood he just asked for time off. That doesn't mean he rejected you.

 

Until you two discuss something, you don't know anything. Don't assume. Just keep your mind clear and open other paths for yourself, live your life. Prepare yourself as he might never leave his wife and tell you so. But until you two discuss, don't do anything based on your assumptions.

[anika99]

Thank you for all the answers Cressida, they exactly hit the spot.

 

Ad. 1. I would love to be with him but not sure I could after he rejected me.

 

Ad. 2. Exactly, so why did he text me he misses me and now this card? He didn't want to contact me so I've respected it so far, he hasn't. Plus, he said roughly a month, it can be longer.

I think he's reconnecting mainly with her, not only with kids and he got me that film that I don't want to watch again and probably got his wife a lovely gift, not like me.

 

Ad.3. He could easily contact me from his work email, no one is monitoring him there.

 

Ad.4. I'm thinking about sending him a thank you and merry Xmas on a Xmas day but not sure yet.

 

Ad.5. What damage would it cause if I sent it to work?

 

When you say wait for him to contact you, what exactly should I be waiting for? He already contacted me - sort of.

 

 

I think you need to look at the big picture, including what you picture for your future. Sending you a text message and delivering something to your house when he knew you wouldn't be there are actually very small efforts to ensure you stay hooked on him. The bulk of his time and effort is going to his family and wife. I'm sure he cares about you but his method of caring about people is very selfish and dysfunctional.

 

 

Think about what you said in your first post on this thread. Go read it again because your answers are there. His wife kicked him out, he went back and then contacted you and told you his wife still wants him out and wants a divorce. Rather than respond to that by leaving and starting the divorce, he stays in the family home and tells you to go on the down low. He says it's because he wants his kids to trust him again. If he wanted to mend fences with his kids the right way, he would move out, come clean to his kids that he doesn't want to be married anymore, made a mistake in having an affair rather than confronting his issues and then he would go to counselling with his children to repair the damage. I don't think he's doing any of that. I think his idea of getting his kids (and wife) to trust him again is to have you go into hiding while he heaps lies and more lies upon his family. Right now he is either denying his relationship with you completely or if he can't do that because of what his wife already knows, he's telling them that you are nothing to him, it was all just a big mistake, you chased him, you wouldn't leave him alone, etc.

 

 

In the big picture, is this the man you want? Do you want to continue being the OW? Do you want to sacrifice your dreams of having your own husband and possibly your own children to keep sneaking around with this guy who does have his own family and his own children? If his wife figures it out and still kicks him to the curb you might still get him, but it will be so ugly. He is lying his ass off right now to his family and causing them even more pain and damage so if he comes running to you at the end they are really going to hate him for not being a man and coming clean to begin with and for playing his silly games. He is in his fifties, can't have anymore children and will paying child support for the kids who hate him and who will hate you by association. Is that the future you want?

 

 

Or he could succeed at his rug sweeping and convince his family that there is no affair and then come back to you as a MM and you can go back to being the OW. He will be scared of getting caught again so he will be extra secretive and careful. Basically offering you nothing but crumbs so he can selfishly hold onto to everyone and everything he has. Keep his family, his house, his children, his reputation, while being sure to give you just enough to keep you hooked so he can keep you too. You will have to wait for small snippets of his time, you will have be satisfied with little "I miss you" texts or cards or little gifts, and in return for those tiny actions of caring, all you have to do is sacrifice your dreams and your self respect. Is that the future you want?

 

 

I know it's hard but try to think outside of the pain you are currently in. Try to seriously picture what the future with this man looks like and think about what you really want.

[elaine567]

I think you need to look at the big picture, including what you picture for your future. Sending you a text message and delivering something to your house when he knew you wouldn't be there are actually very small efforts to ensure you stay hooked on him. The bulk of his time and effort is going to his family and wife. I'm sure he cares about you but his method of caring about people is very selfish and dysfunctional.

 

 

Think about what you said in your first post on this thread. Go read it again because your answers are there. His wife kicked him out, he went back and then contacted you and told you his wife still wants him out and wants a divorce. Rather than respond to that by leaving and starting the divorce, he stays in the family home and tells you to go on the down low. He says it's because he wants his kids to trust him again. If he wanted to mend fences with his kids the right way, he would move out, come clean to his kids that he doesn't want to be married anymore, made a mistake in having an affair rather than confronting his issues and then he would go to counselling with his children to repair the damage. I don't think he's doing any of that. I think his idea of getting his kids (and wife) to trust him again is to have you go into hiding while he heaps lies and more lies upon his family. Right now he is either denying his relationship with you completely or if he can't do that because of what his wife already knows, he's telling them that you are nothing to him, it was all just a big mistake, you chased him, you wouldn't leave him alone, etc.

 

 

In the big picture, is this the man you want? Do you want to continue being the OW? Do you want to sacrifice your dreams of having your own husband and possibly your own children to keep sneaking around with this guy who does have his own family and his own children? If his wife figures it out and still kicks him to the curb you might still get him, but it will be so ugly. He is lying his ass off right now to his family and causing them even more pain and damage so if he comes running to you at the end they are really going to hate him for not being a man and coming clean to begin with and for playing his silly games. He is in his fifties, can't have anymore children and will paying child support for the kids who hate him and who will hate you by association. Is that the future you want?

 

 

Or he could succeed at his rug sweeping and convince his family that there is no affair and then come back to you as a MM and you can go back to being the OW. He will be scared of getting caught again so he will be extra secretive and careful. Basically offering you nothing but crumbs so he can selfishly hold onto to everyone and everything he has. Keep his family, his house, his children, his reputation, while being sure to give you just enough to keep you hooked so he can keep you too. You will have to wait for small snippets of his time, you will have be satisfied with little "I miss you" texts or cards or little gifts, and in return for those tiny actions of caring, all you have to do is sacrifice your dreams and your self respect. Is that the future you want?

 

 

I know it's hard but try to think outside of the pain you are currently in. Try to seriously picture what the future with this man looks like and think about what you really want.

 

You are being a fool if you do not take what Anika99 says here on board.

[Cressida]

I didn't want to start a thread on the topic, but just to wish y'all a Merry Christmas, happy holidays and lots of joy and happiness! Lots of hugs, Monica! xo

[Monicaxxx]

I didn't want to start a thread on the topic, but just to wish y'all a Merry Christmas, happy holidays and lots of joy and happiness! Lots of hugs, Monica! xo

 

 

Thank you for the wishes, Merry Christmas to you too and to all the people who posted here to help me in that difficult time for me.

[Monicaxxx]

I thought you said that you and MM agreed on him getting back to you after the time he's taking off to think about his 'final' decision. I may have misunderstood, but to me it seemed that what you discussed was indicating that he would think about whether to leave his wife or not.

 

Was this the case, or just NC because of the holidays? I am confused now

 

He told me he wants his kids to trust him again and that they are angry at him now so he wants to make it up to them. That he won't contact me for a while but that he want's me in his live so that he won't contact me more or less for a month. He didn't say that he will contact me in exactly a month but in more or less so. That he wants to see how things work out.

 

 

It is for you to decide if you want to communicate something- merry Xmas or something about the gift. But please let me know why you want to return the gift, is it because you two decided to break up for good? Or because you're just pissed?

 

I just sent him a quick message to say thank you and wished him a good Xmas too. I wasn't sure if I should do it at all but just thought that it won't change anything for worse anyway and that it doesn't mean that we are really in touch now and that we;ll start talking again any time soon.

 

I wanted to send him that gift back as I'd rather not get anything from him than that dvd that I've already seen and he knows that I don't like watching films more than once so his gift was stupid in that sense. I know this particular comedy means a lot to him but it was supposed to be, not him. I'm not materialistic and I don't need to get expensive gifts (I earn good money myself) but if I'm giving other people any gifts, I'm not just going for the cheapest option. - he has quite a lot of money too so he could have given me at least something nice not that stupid dvd that is of no use to me at all. I give nicest gifts to people I don't even like that much. :-( So sending it back wouldn't be about being angry but showing him that I don't need anything from him, especially not such crappy gifts.

 

Follow the deadline HE set up for himself. Nothing less, nothing more. Be a 'fair game' player even if he isn't, as he is, duh, married. Show him that you have verticality as a person and are an adult.

 

 

I know we are over. He decided to stay at home so with his wife. It hurts so much. It's obvious he never wanted to be with me. :-( :-( :-( and now it's even more obvious he will never be with me. With every single day now he is getting closer to his wife again and further away from me :-( There are no chances left that I will get him back :-(

 

If you want to truly get rid of him for good and move on, send a merry xmas as you don't want to be ill-mannered and after the holidays send him an e-mail explaining that you think it's for the best to distance yourself, that you wish him a happy life, and you hope that everything will be ok with him and the kids, but that you are moving on, NC and all that, and you would appreciate if he respected you.

 

I know a lot of you will be surprised but I do love him and want to be with him but I know though that I have lost him for good now.

 

If you chose your 'walk-out' moment carefully and then do it in a good way, it can only bring good things to you. But please, for the n-th time Monica, what do you want from this man? You have to decide!

 

How do I chose the right moment? How do I know it's THAT time?

 

 

BTW, I sent him a thank you message but I will not contact him after that... unless he calls me or asks me to meet up with him, I will continue to ignore any meaningless messages from him, if he sends any.

[Monicaxxx]

He replied to my message. He wrote Merry Xmas, hope you are having a lovely day xxxxxxxxxx