Mal78 Posted January 1, 2015 Share Posted January 1, 2015 He says that he just wants to stop the physical stuff for a while. But he still wahts to continue talking and communicating with me secretly. He will message me a few times a day asking how I'm doing, what I'm doing, that he's thinking of me. But that's it Out of the 9 pages of threads. The awesome advice, the cold hard truths and your replies this one stands out the most! Do you, for the most part crave/want/desire the physical intimacy? He sounds like he is still very much engaging you and for some reason it's the physical aspect of this relationship that has you hung up. His sex with you is dangerous/exciting/affair sex. What is it for you? Are you receiving the same thrill from the A? I honestly think this relationship is an illusion. It is not real? The sex is only *his* fantasy and sadly it could be fulfilled else where. You are what some people suggested... a sex toy. The confidence and esteem he built in you is also an illusion. He wanted you to be groomed for *his* liking. If you went all "Fatal Attraction" on him his tune would change and he wouldn't work on making you happy... He would RUN! I imagine all his wildest dreams can be fulfilled with his little sex toy. Heck, I play with my (actual) sex toy like no one's watching.... including my partner. I really hope you can see this for what it actually is. Find a lover that is real. Link to post Share on other sites
beach Posted January 1, 2015 Share Posted January 1, 2015 Why the push/pull behavior from MM? Every few months or so he will get somewhat distant and back off. We were together physically this week and the rest of the week he started getting distant. He said that he needed a "pause" on the physical stuff because he feels guilty. Not an ending, just a pause. It hurts so much. I cannot let him keep doing this to me. He isn't doing it to you. You are doing it to yourself... By what you allow. Maybe work on boundaries with a counselor... 2 Link to post Share on other sites
still_an_Angel Posted January 1, 2015 Share Posted January 1, 2015 I told him I love him. He doesn't say it back. Finally he said, "I wish I could say I do" Probably the most painful sentence I've ever heard. Its time to get out of this relationship Savannah, that really cuts the heart but he was honest. This is how he feels after 3 years. He doesn't deserve your devotion. (((hugs to you))) Link to post Share on other sites
bathtub-row Posted January 1, 2015 Share Posted January 1, 2015 I told him I love him. He doesn't say it back. Finally he said, "I wish I could say I do" Probably the most painful sentence I've ever heard. This doesn't even merit a goodbye conversation. Just make up your mind that you'll never speak to him again and don't respond to anything from him. He'll soon figure out that this extremely arrogant remark just cost him his relationship with you. For good. Link to post Share on other sites
Author Savannah2 Posted January 1, 2015 Author Share Posted January 1, 2015 the article from baggage reclaim was very good. Thank you. Bath-tub, I have not contacted him at all today since I told him how much he hurt me with that statement. He said he was sorry that I felt that way and that is all. I don't know why that comment from him stung worse than just not saying the I love you back to me or just saying that he knows I do. Link to post Share on other sites
whichwayisup Posted January 1, 2015 Share Posted January 1, 2015 the article from baggage reclaim was very good. Thank you. Bath-tub, I have not contacted him at all today since I told him how much he hurt me with that statement. He said he was sorry that I felt that way and that is all. I don't know why that comment from him stung worse than just not saying the I love you back to me or just saying that he knows I do. It hurt you because he more or less told you in his own way that he isn't in love with you. Give him kudos (ironic either way) for at least being honest and not telling you he loves you when he doesn't. Link to post Share on other sites
elaine567 Posted January 1, 2015 Share Posted January 1, 2015 At least you know now, in no uncertain terms, he doesn't love you and that gives you a platform to move on from. There are no ifs, buts or maybes, his push/pull behaviour is now explained. as well as "the pause". He was too much of a coward to say "Savannah this isn't working we should go our separate ways". Instead of ripping off the whole plaster, he tugged at it and worked at a corner every now and again and left you in a state of not knowing where you were. You tried in our mind to justify every put down, every hurtful thing, but now the time for justification is over. Your relationship such as it was, is now over. A big life lesson learned. Never put up with push/pull, hot/cold, behaviour ever again. Time to pack up the tents and move to pastures new. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Author Savannah2 Posted January 1, 2015 Author Share Posted January 1, 2015 Thank you Elaine, very well put 1 Link to post Share on other sites
sandylee1 Posted January 1, 2015 Share Posted January 1, 2015 For some I think you are correct. But for a married person to go there is a distinct decision to take it there. I have been considering leaving my wife or the past 20 years. I have also considered moving to Alaska and living as a bushman for about the same period of time. My best friend will attest to that, and if you ask him he would tell you straight up. The point is that people consider an awful lot of things throughout their lives. Statistics show us that in the MM and sOW those considerations of leaving the wife and family rarely pan out in the sOW's favor. Men are really really really REALLY good at telling women what they want to hear. And likewise women are really really good at believing what they are being told is true, because that is what they want to hear. You can remove the affair aspect and take those facts to the bank. I have no doubt your xMM has/had great feelings for you. I love my MW to death, but I didn't have to lie to her about some future plans of being together, even though I would love it. WHat I am talking about is the unrealistic relationship dynamic that sOW/OM's have with their MM/MW. There is an underlying expectation that they will some day be a couple. I'm not sorry for beating up on my own gender, but I think MM exploit that vulnerability in sOW's. The term future faking doesn't exist for nothing. Just read on this board, for every true happy anding there are 5000, that aren't. It is not because the MM didn't have feeling for the sOW, it is because he was never going to leave his wife. You can discount it all you want because your own personal experience, but the fact is that MM get sOW's to get involved by suggesting some sort of future. And sure, it may happen or develop out os a friendship process, but those are coupled with those considerations of leaving the wife that rarely come to fruition. Nothing I was stating has to deal with serial cheaters. That is a different breed of animal. This is so true. 'Considering leaving' means absolutely nothing. It's all about taking action and positive steps to leave. I also agree that you tell someone what they want to hear. Truth be told if the MM told his SOW he would never leave his wife, there would be a lot less OWs. Link to post Share on other sites
sandylee1 Posted January 1, 2015 Share Posted January 1, 2015 I told him I love him. He doesn't say it back. Finally he said, "I wish I could say I do" Probably the most painful sentence I've ever heard. I was wondering if you have self esteem issues? I really think counselling could help you see what's going on and totally get this mm out of your life. When I younger many years before I got married, if a bf didn't treat me right, I wouldn't vocalise it so much because I lacked a degree of confidence. I didn't always think I could do better. Mainly because of my body image issues. You need to find out why you accept a man that you say you love treating you this way. Why don't you realise that you deserve better. He doesn't love you, he's good enough not to lie that he does. Why can't you see your being used by this guy? Don't waste the best years of of your life on this man. Another poster recently said he was with his MW for 13 years. He's now 45 and realises what a waste of time that was. Please don't let that happen to you. Link to post Share on other sites
cif Posted January 2, 2015 Share Posted January 2, 2015 the article from baggage reclaim was very good. Thank you. Bath-tub, I have not contacted him at all today since I told him how much he hurt me with that statement. He said he was sorry that I felt that way and that is all. I don't know why that comment from him stung worse than just not saying the I love you back to me or just saying that he knows I do. Because he confirmed he does NOT feel that way and after 3 years there's no chance he will ever be in love with you. Ever. So what are you waiting around for? 3 Link to post Share on other sites
beach Posted January 2, 2015 Share Posted January 2, 2015 Why the push/pull behavior from MM? Every few months or so he will get somewhat distant and back off. We were together physically this week and the rest of the week he started getting distant. He said that he needed a "pause" on the physical stuff because he feels guilty. Not an ending, just a pause. It hurts so much. I cannot let him keep doing this to me When he pushes - you like the attention and he gets the sex he wants. Then you expect that attention. And he knows if he keeps it up then his wife might find out...and he needs to keep you quiet and behaving so he doesn't get caught. So he goes dark long enough so you don't expect much... Then pops back on the scene to show you attention again so he can be assured he gets more sex and another ego stroke. As long as you keep participating it works for him. Why? Because he doesn't have to invest much as long as his risk is low...and he gets what he wants when he wants it. IF you were to get demanding and more needy he would just go find a new OW that had few demands and low risk. He keeps you in a safe place - that suits HIS needs. Link to post Share on other sites
Author Savannah2 Posted January 18, 2015 Author Share Posted January 18, 2015 I think I've woken up. I no longer feel the intense anxiety and longing for my MM. After three years I can honestly say I am at a point where I am not obsessing over him. I don't know what changed for me. I think he just chipped away everything I feltfor him until finally the feelings I had were gone. He can tell a difference and keeps asking me what is wrong. I don't have the words yet to describe it to him and to be honest I don't think he deserves an explanation. He knows. Thank you all for your support and words of advice. It's amazing to me the impact a group of caring strangers can have. Link to post Share on other sites
Popsicle Posted January 18, 2015 Share Posted January 18, 2015 I hear 3 years a lot. Most be a breaking point for some OW/OM. Link to post Share on other sites
Josmatjes Posted January 18, 2015 Share Posted January 18, 2015 3 years? Omg that's a long time. But why do you still talk to him? Just curious Link to post Share on other sites
jellybean89 Posted January 18, 2015 Share Posted January 18, 2015 So is the affair over or have you just realized he is never leaving and will accept the affair on his terms? Link to post Share on other sites
Author Savannah2 Posted February 8, 2015 Author Share Posted February 8, 2015 my AP wife is terrible to him. She belittles him, makes him feel less of a man, and nothing is ever good enough for her. Yet, the second she has a fit with him he is running with his tail between his legs to her trying to fix everything and make it right for her. To top it off, when they are in a period of marital trouble he always shuns me. I hear from him more when things are going well with them. But he comes to me complaining about how terrible she makes him feel but he will never leave. He says because of the kids and he does love her. Ugh. I feel like his therapist. Can someone please explain to me this dysfunctional man's thoughts staying with a wife like that?! And I'm over here on the side with so much love to give him. But guess what? He doesn't want me. Link to post Share on other sites
anika99 Posted February 8, 2015 Share Posted February 8, 2015 Well for starters some men actually have a preference for bitchy women. If what your MM says about his wife is true, and that's a big if, then perhaps that's exactly what he likes about her. Sure a man will moan and complain about his meanie wife but the second she's not running his life for him he will fall apart. It's a big mistake for women to assume that every man with a controlling wife wants to escape his marriage. Not only do lots of men like being controlled by a woman a lot of the time they have helped turn their wives into the bitchy women they are. Sounds like your MM likes to please his controlling his wife more than he likes pleasing you. Of course the real question here isn't what's wrong with your MM. Shouldn't you be trying to figure out why you stay in a relationship where you get so little and where you feel like you are not wanted? How can you call your MM dysfunctional for staying in his marriage when you are doing the very same thing he is? 3 Link to post Share on other sites
Author Savannah2 Posted February 8, 2015 Author Share Posted February 8, 2015 I don't even know why it tears me apart not hearing from him. He said his phone was not working this week and couldn't contact me. Then all of a sudden I heard from him last night after I saw on FB he took his wife on a date. She said that she is complaining he never plans dates for them. All of a sudden the battery on his phone worked agsin. I was a wreck all week not being able to talk to him. I guess I must really love him. I wish I didn't. This has gone on three years. Link to post Share on other sites
Arieswoman Posted February 8, 2015 Share Posted February 8, 2015 Savannah2, Your MM complains that his wife treats him like trash and yet he still stays in the marriage. So what does that tell you? Either he has a bad case of masochism and secretly likes it or he's too scared of her to get out. Is this truly the sort of partner you want for the rest of your life ?? 2 Link to post Share on other sites
Author Savannah2 Posted February 8, 2015 Author Share Posted February 8, 2015 I also think that he is the type of man that can't accept failure. When his marriage is Rocky or she threatens to leave, it is a big hit to his ego. And even thiugh he may know that she is impossible to deal with, he cannot stand the thought of her leaving him because it means that he isn't good enough for her and she doesn't want him. And his ego cannot stand that. He loves to be wanted. Link to post Share on other sites
scatterd Posted February 8, 2015 Share Posted February 8, 2015 You would feel much better with out him. Get rid of the user and find a man that will be there for you. I feel for you I can not stand waiting for someone for a few hours let alone a few days or a week.Maybe don't answer his calls for a while, tell him your ringer quit working. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Tayla Posted February 8, 2015 Share Posted February 8, 2015 in what ways are either of you loving? not calling? being deceptive? is that the definition of genuine love? perhaps its something you can define in time. Not sure He or his marriage are worth your life. 3 Link to post Share on other sites
sandylee1 Posted February 8, 2015 Share Posted February 8, 2015 I also think that he is the type of man that can't accept failure. When his marriage is Rocky or she threatens to leave, it is a big hit to his ego. And even thiugh he may know that she is impossible to deal with, he cannot stand the thought of her leaving him because it means that he isn't good enough for her and she doesn't want him. And his ego cannot stand that. He loves to be wanted. So he DEFINITELY does not want to be with you other than as his bit on the side? Because he doesn't want her to leave him, which could be the easy way out. Don't waste your time trying to analyse him Savannah. How much more of this can you really take? I don't think anyone here can say anything to get you out of this. Only you will know when you've had enough and decide to go fully NC. Love shouldn't hurt like this and it just leaves you in a state of misery. You'll end up with premature frown lines from the stress and ultimately realise you've wasted the best years of your life on this selfish bast*** who doesn't give a damn about you. He's using you. He has a wife, a home and a bit on the side to satisfy his extra needs when he wants. What do you have? Do you really think so little of yourself? Be strong and stand up for yourself. Stop the abuse he's dishing your way. As selfish Link to post Share on other sites
Cinnimon Posted February 8, 2015 Share Posted February 8, 2015 my AP wife is terrible to him. She belittles him, makes him feel less of a man, and nothing is ever good enough for her. Yet, the second she has a fit with him he is running with his tail between his legs to her trying to fix everything and make it right for her. To top it off, when they are in a period of marital trouble he always shuns me. I hear from him more when things are going well with them. But he comes to me complaining about how terrible she makes him feel but he will never leave. He says because of the kids and he does love her. Ugh. I feel like his therapist. Can someone please explain to me this dysfunctional man's thoughts staying with a wife like that?! And I'm over here on the side with so much love to give him. But guess what? He doesn't want me. She treats him badly, he stays. He treats you badly, you stay. Maybe you can answer your own question better than anyone else. 8 Link to post Share on other sites
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