MM wants a "pause" [update]

[FusionCutter]

He knows the Facebook posts upset me and his answer to me is that "there are some things I just have to do or else she will get mad at me". I guess his wife asked why he hasn't been putting anything about her on Facebook recently so he had to. Or that's what he tells me.

 

Do you really believe this?

[Realist3]

He knows the Facebook posts upset me and his answer to me is that "there are some things I just have to do or else she will get mad at me". I guess his wife asked why he hasn't been putting anything about her on Facebook recently so he had to. Or that's what he tells me.

 

Good gosh... Facebook. Are you really putting that much importance into what he posts on Facebook???? Take a step back for a minute. What is Facebook? It is the image you wish to portray yourself to all of your friends and family. Of course he wants to portray himself has the happy family man. Who wouldn't? I know I do. My WW certainly does. What my WW posts on FB means absolutely nothing to me, and it is the same in return. Last night she posted their Christmas card pic that was all lovey dovey. It didn't bother me in the least. That is what families do. They take great looking pictures and make sweet comments for their friends to see. This morning when we were chatting I told her it was a great pic. I actually like it when she posts happy family photos because it keeps other guys from hitting on her as much. I use FB photos for the same reason. "Here is my happy family, don't even think about it."

[Realist3]

My MW is going to be going on a great Christmas vacation in the coming days. There will be tons and tons of great family pics. I helped planned the vacation and what they are doing. They are going to a city that is my second home that they have never been to. She wanted to go because of me, and experience it. I helped her book the right hotel and made their whole itinerary. Some stupid pics on FB don't mean a dang thing.

 

She will be sitting at a restaurant that I booked for her having a nice dinner with her husband sending me private pics of the meal.

 

Get over the fluff.

[Realist3]

Her/MW:before

and I'm not near ready

and we are having company over for dinner tomorrow.

went to a dinner last night

i will probably have a break down sometime this week

 

Me:The weather forecast looks good.

You will be okay. It will all be worthit. Snow on SUnday.

WHy would you host a dinner this week? Dont't you have enough to do?

 

H:that's my husband

he thinks I'm supper woman or something

 

M: WHat do you mean?

Well, you are aren't you?

 

H:i wish i were wonder woman with magic

yes, he was

 

H: i was disappointed with our xmas photo

 

M: Why? It looks great.

What is there to be disappointed with?

 

H:i know but no one would listen to me

 

H: yes and the pic will be fine for that bc it is just a small pic

**** wouldn't smile

***** wouldn't sit in the swing

the boys hair is long and they wouldn't let me comb it

[whichwayisup]

He knows the Facebook posts upset me and his answer to me is that "there are some things I just have to do or else she will get mad at me". I guess his wife asked why he hasn't been putting anything about her on Facebook recently so he had to. Or that's what he tells me.

 

You are the OW not his wife. You're having an affair with him knowing full well he's married and still living life with his wife and kids. If you hate how you feel, then end it. Honestly it's that plain and simple or put up with how things are.

 

Delete him off your facebook! it hurts you to read that he is doing family stuff, living his life.

 

You've invested way too much into him and he hasn't invested much into you. To you, the affair is more meaningful and he's your everything. To him, it's just an affair and when he can make time for you, he will on terms and time frame.

 

I wish you strength to end this affair. It's not healthy, it's doing damage to you that will take you years to recover from. The self esteem issues you're gonna have or already starting to have is another sign to see that you need to get out of your affair and walk away for good.

[Lemon Drop]

Looking at his happy, happy rainbow Facebook page is like tying yourself up to a chair and allowing someone to flog you with a horsewhip.

 

Why do we hurt ourselves on purpose this way? You know when you look at it you will be hurt and it will bother you for how long??? Take a baby step and unfriend/block him so you can't see that stuff. Or is it that you like the pain? I think that is possible with us OW's, or we would never set foot in MM's life, but we do. What does that say about those of us who do this?

[elaine567]

You are the OW not his wife. You're having an affair with him knowing full well he's married and still living life with his wife and kids. If you hate how you feel, then end it. Honestly it's that plain and simple or put up with how things are.

 

You've invested way too much into him and he hasn't invested much into you. To you, the affair is more meaningful and he's your everything. To him, it's just an affair and when he can make time for you, he will on terms and time frame.

Trouble is, you are the outsider looking into this marriage, you have no right to get angry or dictate to him what he puts on FB.

This marriage is his main focus, you are just a woman he sleeps with every now and again, face it, you may not be the only one. The pauses may be because he needs to fit in another OW every now and again...

Some OW are powerful, they do dictate and they may be able to turn a MM into a lover even a husband, because the MM does love them, BUT this is not the case here, you are way down the pecking order, I am afraid.

I am not trying to be nasty I am just trying to show you, you deserve so much better.

Please leave before your self esteem is in your boots and then he dumps you anyway.

[whichwayisup]

Just a thought but this could help you if you can't/won't delete him off your facebook. Ask him to change his settings so you don't see any personal life outings, pictures of him with his wife and kids or status updates that will upset you. He can set it up that only certain people see his pictures...This way you won't hurt so much when he posts stuff of his family.

 

Though with that suggestion said, him (if he does) changing that for you really is a false sense of security because deep down you know what he's doing. It doesn't change the fact he sleeps next to his wife every night.

 

I'm not saying that to be mean or hurtful towards you but the reality is you know what's what. Though maybe you'd prefer not having it flaunted in your face about his personal life with his family.

Edited December 14, 2014 by whichwayisup

[Savannah2]

I went ahead and hid his news feed posts so I can't see them. I really want to be strong enough so that this is the last time he ever does this to me. We work together so it makes it really tough.

[whichwayisup]

I went ahead and hid his news feed posts so I can't see them. I really want to be strong enough so that this is the last time he ever does this to me. We work together so it makes it really tough.

 

Yes I'm sure it does. Any way you can transfer to another location or start looking for another job?

 

Good glad you hid his newsfeed.

 

The thing is Sav, he IS still doing this to you but you just won't see it. He IS living life with his wife and kids. He is very married and pretending or avoiding his updates isn't going to change that.

 

Are you considering ending it soon? I hope so! For your own sanity.

[Realist3]

I went ahead and hid his news feed posts so I can't see them. I really want to be strong enough so that this is the last time he ever does this to me. We work together so it makes it really tough.

 

He is not doing anything to you. He is doing what normal married people do on FB. What is being done to you is by you and your choices. Perhaps you missed the title of 'married'. You are only a victim of your own doing.

[beach]

Let us not forget that he keeps you hanging by a string just enough so you won't get out there and date available men.

 

Most MM fear that their OW won't always stay available to them...so they throw the crumbs just enough so you don't move forward.

 

 

Heaven forbid if you found a man who was always available and paying loads of attention to you... You might forget about him (MM).

[gettingstronger]

My MW is going to be going on a great Christmas vacation in the coming days. There will be tons and tons of great family pics. I helped planned the vacation and what they are doing. They are going to a city that is my second home that they have never been to. She wanted to go because of me, and experience it. I helped her book the right hotel and made their whole itinerary. Some stupid pics on FB don't mean a dang thing.

 

She will be sitting at a restaurant that I booked for her having a nice dinner with her husband sending me private pics of the meal.

 

Get over the fluff.

 

Observation- no matter how much people proclaim their A is different the fact that some posters have the exact same situation going on as just about every post on this board tells me they are all pretty similar-seems like no matter what the situation a handful of posters have an example of how they handle the situation-

 

Fact- the posts upset the OP so it matters not if they are true or not-

 

This relationship is not good for the OP and I hope she makes this pause permanent and moves on to a relationship that does not cause her so much pain and regret-

 

Good luck-

[Savannah2]

I'm feeling so angry tonight at him. Maybe that's a good sign. He messaged me about his day.. Mostly going to grocery store, shopping, making a big dinner for her... You know, being the responsible, doting husband and family man. I feel like telling her everything he's been doing the past almost three years... I know it's not her fault And I would never want to hurt her so I won't say a word to her or anyone. I know it's my own bitterness and pain I have to work through. But I am so angry and bitter tonight that he can just walk away and that's it.

[Lemon Drop]

Anger is a good fuel. You have a right to be angry, he's using you to fill up the empty spaces in his marriage. I remember thinking this about my own xMM, that I was HELPING him cope with his marriage by aiding and abetting him and keeping him from his misery.

 

In some ways he is a BETTER husband because he feels guilty and is doing extra things for his wife like making her dinner, etc. to make himself feel less guilty. In other words, you are helping his marriage. That sucks a lot!

 

Do you want to be doing this 3 Christmas's from now? Because you've been doing it for 3 years already.

 

You are looking for a pony under all the pony p**p and I don't think there's one down there.

[FusionCutter]

I'm feeling so angry tonight at him. Maybe that's a good sign. He messaged me about his day.. Mostly going to grocery store, shopping, making a big dinner for her... You know, being the responsible, doting husband and family man. I feel like telling her everything he's been doing the past almost three years... I know it's not her fault And I would never want to hurt her so I won't say a word to her or anyone. I know it's my own bitterness and pain I have to work through. But I am so angry and bitter tonight that he can just walk away and that's it.

 

If you want to mean what you say, then walk from the situation. Otherwise you will continually hurt yourself. Stop defending him and defend yourself, both your feelings and your emotions. Otherwise your MM will keep taking what you keep giving him. You're worth a whole man.

[GirlStillStrong]

Yes I'm sure it does. Any way you can transfer to another location or start looking for another job?

 

Good glad you hid his newsfeed.

 

The thing is Sav, he IS still doing this to you but you just won't see it. He IS living life with his wife and kids. He is very married and pretending or avoiding his updates isn't going to change that.

 

Are you considering ending it soon? I hope so! For your own sanity.

 

Good point. I think it's safe to assume that the amount of info about his life with you that he is not sharing with his wife is nothing compared to the amount of info about his life with his wife that he is not sharing with you.

[whichwayisup]

I'm feeling so angry tonight at him. Maybe that's a good sign. He messaged me about his day.. Mostly going to grocery store, shopping, making a big dinner for her... You know, being the responsible, doting husband and family man. I feel like telling her everything he's been doing the past almost three years... I know it's not her fault And I would never want to hurt her so I won't say a word to her or anyone. I know it's my own bitterness and pain I have to work through. But I am so angry and bitter tonight that he can just walk away and that's it.

 

Good. Get mad. Get fed up. Maybe this will be the fire under your butt to finally end it with him.

 

You're getting the short end of the stick and will continue to get the short end of the stick as long as this affair is on going.

 

Hey, you can walk away at any time and move on with your life without looking back. Nothing is holding you back except you.

[stillafool]

I just don't understand how he can turn it on and off like that with me. Especially hurtful when he does it after we have been intimate.

 

Probably this is a time when he and his wife are getting along really well and it makes him feel guilty about his affair with you. Then when they hit a rough patch again he contacts you. When are you going to stop letting him use you like that?

[elaine567]

He messaged me about his day.. Mostly going to grocery store, shopping, making a big dinner for her... You know, being the responsible, doting husband and family man.

 

He has a bl**dy cheek, HE is telling YOU how HE is cooking a lovely meal for HIS wife... whilst you are sitting there all on your own...

Pfft!!

[whichwayisup]

He has a bl**dy cheek, HE is telling YOU how HE is cooking a lovely meal for HIS wife... whilst you are sitting there all on your own...

Pfft!!

 

There's nothing stopping her from saying to him "I find it painful and it hurts me when you talk about your day with your wife, you cooking for her and all. I'd appreciate it if you keep that stuff to yourself as I don't need to know..." But she won't because it seems there's a fear he'll tell her goodbye.

 

Some people will hang onto threads and not make waves.

[beach]

There's nothing stopping her from saying to him "I find it painful and it hurts me when you talk about your day with your wife, you cooking for her and all. I'd appreciate it if you keep that stuff to yourself as I don't need to know..." But she won't because it seems there's a fear he'll tell her goodbye.

 

Some people will hang onto threads and not make waves.

 

I wish the OP would find her inner strength to tell him she's angry = so angry that it's over - because she deserves better than any man that would be so cruel.

 

Seriously, what a @ick wad he is.

 

This isn't crumbs - this is just him being utterly mean.

[beach]

The bummer is - when MM know the OW is mad - they start stepping up the attention to cover up their bad behavior so the OW doesn't go away.

 

A vicious cycle...

 

The cycle stops when you decide "no more" and take steps to be sure it is definitely NO MORE.

[Lemon Drop]

Maybe he wants her to break up with him so he doesn't have to feel guilty over the holidays. And he's hoping she will be a good girl and not tell his wife, but if she does, at least he made her dinner. Blech!

[whichwayisup]

I wish the OP would find her inner strength to tell him she's angry = so angry that it's over - because she deserves better than any man that would be so cruel.

 

Seriously, what a @ick wad he is.

 

This isn't crumbs - this is just him being utterly mean.

 

It is and he is manipulating and calculating. Intentionally!

 

She is scared to speak up in case he tells her to get lost! That's a lot of power for a person to have over someone else. Not able to communicate and speak their mind because there's a fear if you do or say the wrong thing you'll be dumped immediately.

 

Then again affairs are not normal and thriving relationships. Quite the opposite, they cause damage not only to the innocents but to the people actually having the affair, though it seems it's usually the single person in the affair who hurts more than the WS.