MM wants a "pause" [update]

[AlwaysGrowing]

It is and he is manipulating and calculating. Intentionally!

 

She is scared to speak up in case he tells her to get lost! That's a lot of power for a person to have over someone else. Not able to communicate and speak their mind because there's a fear if you do or say the wrong thing you'll be dumped immediately.

 

Then again affairs are not normal and thriving relationships. Quite the opposite, they cause damage not only to the innocents but to the people actually having the affair, though it seems it's usually the single person in the affair who hurts more than the WS.

 

 

Oh I think there is plenty of hurt all around.

 

People generally feel that their pain is the hardest to endure, as that is the one they are experiencing.

 

We feel our pain selfishly.

[bathtub-row]

I'm feeling so angry tonight at him. Maybe that's a good sign. He messaged me about his day.. Mostly going to grocery store, shopping, making a big dinner for her... You know, being the responsible, doting husband and family man. I feel like telling her everything he's been doing the past almost three years... I know it's not her fault And I would never want to hurt her so I won't say a word to her or anyone. I know it's my own bitterness and pain I have to work through. But I am so angry and bitter tonight that he can just walk away and that's it.

 

Why is it that HE needs to be the one to walk away? Do you have no pride, sweetie? I'll be honest with you and say that I think he is trying to get you to break up with him because this is not the behavior of a man who's interested in keeping a woman. This is not about whether he loves you or not, this is about his guilt, which is probably extreme. His logic in wanting you to do the breaking up is so that you will feel like you have the power and not be angry with him, because he's afraid that your anger may be dangerous to the health of his marriage.

 

Just to give you some perspective, my xMM rarely mentioned his wife to me, if ever. He did have enough sense to know that I didn't want to hear about him and his wife doing anything. When he told me about certain events, he told it in such a way that you'd think she wasn't even there. He was only on facebook to talk to me through messages. Occasionally, one of his kids would tag him in family photos and that alone was enough for me. But, the truth is, they never looked lovey, dovey. Had he been hugging or kissing her, posting the photos himself, it would've been an instant death sentence for us. Just the fact that his kids did it and it was in my face, pretty much made me pull away from him, anyway.

 

I also work with xMM and it's an incredibly uncomfortable situation for reasons I won't go into. But it didn't stop me from breaking up with him. He uses the situation to make sure I see him fairly regularly but there's nothing that could drag me back into that situation, even though I still love him. It took me a long time to get to a place where I didn't feel like I was dying every day but, I can promise you that it's only the fact that I was no longer involved with him that allowed me to get to that point.

 

One thing I will never forget after our last break-up, which was about 2 yrs ago, he came into town a few months ago. Understand that we have the kind of relationship where our attraction is very strong, and so is our friendship. We had dinner and then he invited me to his hotel room. I turned him down. Do you know what he told me the next day? He said that I was smart and right not to sleep with him. I could also tell that he was somewhat relieved that we had not fallen back into that situation. I let him know that I would always have expectations of him as long as we were sleeping together and that if we continued a relationship, we would end up hating one another. The funny thing is, when I drew away from him, it made him want to be closer to me.

 

The thing I would hope you'd take away from that story is that xMM actually admired me for turning him down, and he was somewhat glad that he didn't have to feel guilty. No matter how much we wanted the closeness and to share that passion again, it was an all-around bad idea. So, what may seem like a really good idea in the moment, isn't always that. I thought past that night. I thought about how I'd feel, how he would feel, and how I'd start to feel possessive of him and have expectations that he would never fulfill. I thought about how I'd be unraveling 2 yrs of hard work to disentangle myself from him. Then, after all that, I would hate him. Eventually, that hate would take hold and destroy us. So, I made the choice to keep him as a distant friend, instead of a hated ex. That is what he is to this day.

 

Has it ever occurred to you how fun the tension would be between the two of you at work if you ended things nicely with your MM and then let him drool over someone he can no longer have? Men love what they can't have. Instead of him having all this negative power over you, why not turn the tables? Just a thought.

Edited December 15, 2014 by bathtub-row

[Savannah2]

Thank you bath-tub row for sharing that with me. It was very insightful and really got me thinking. I will see him at work today and I resolve to keep him at arms length and build boundaries with him that should have been there from the beginning. I am so glad I have this forum. You all have helped me so much.. Better than therapy!

[GirlStillStrong]

Why is it that HE needs to be the one to walk away? Do you have no pride, sweetie? I'll be honest with you and say that I think he is trying to get you to break up with him because this is not the behavior of a man who's interested in keeping a woman. This is not about whether he loves you or not, this is about his guilt, which is probably extreme. His logic in wanting you to do the breaking up is so that you will feel like you have the power and not be angry with him, because he's afraid that your anger may be dangerous to the health of his marriage.

 

Just to give you some perspective, my xMM rarely mentioned his wife to me, if ever. He did have enough sense to know that I didn't want to hear about him and his wife doing anything. When he told me about certain events, he told it in such a way that you'd think she wasn't even there. He was only on facebook to talk to me through messages. Occasionally, one of his kids would tag him in family photos and that alone was enough for me. But, the truth is, they never looked lovey, dovey. Had he been hugging or kissing her, posting the photos himself, it would've been an instant death sentence for us. Just the fact that his kids did it and it was in my face, pretty much made me pull away from him, anyway.

 

I also work with xMM and it's an incredibly uncomfortable situation for reasons I won't go into. But it didn't stop me from breaking up with him. He uses the situation to make sure I see him fairly regularly but there's nothing that could drag me back into that situation, even though I still love him. It took me a long time to get to a place where I didn't feel like I was dying every day but, I can promise you that it's only the fact that I was no longer involved with him that allowed me to get to that point.

 

One thing I will never forget after our last break-up, which was about 2 yrs ago, he came into town a few months ago. Understand that we have the kind of relationship where our attraction is very strong, and so is our friendship. We had dinner and then he invited me to his hotel room. I turned him down. Do you know what he told me the next day? He said that I was smart and right not to sleep with him. I could also tell that he was somewhat relieved that we had not fallen back into that situation. I let him know that I would always have expectations of him as long as we were sleeping together and that if we continued a relationship, we would end up hating one another. The funny thing is, when I drew away from him, it made him want to be closer to me.

 

The thing I would hope you'd take away from that story is that xMM actually admired me for turning him down, and he was somewhat glad that he didn't have to feel guilty. No matter how much we wanted the closeness and to share that passion again, it was an all-around bad idea. So, what may seem like a really good idea in the moment, isn't always that. I thought past that night. I thought about how I'd feel, how he would feel, and how I'd start to feel possessive of him and have expectations that he would never fulfill. I thought about how I'd be unraveling 2 yrs of hard work to disentangle myself from him. Then, after all that, I would hate him. Eventually, that hate would take hold and destroy us. So, I made the choice to keep him as a distant friend, instead of a hated ex. That is what he is to this day.

 

Thank you again, Bathtub. I needed to read this.

[GirlStillStrong]

Thank you bath-tub row for sharing that with me. It was very insightful and really got me thinking. I will see him at work today and I resolve to keep him at arms length and build boundaries with him that should have been there from the beginning. I am so glad I have this forum. You all have helped me so much.. Better than therapy!

 

My bet is he will not respect your boundaries, no matter how you communicate them to him. But good luck, let us know how it goes plz.

[bathtub-row]

My bet is he will not respect your boundaries, no matter how you communicate them to him. But good luck, let us know how it goes plz.

 

Yeah, it takes commitment to walk away from all that passion, but men simply do not respect women who don't have control over themselves. And they're constantly testing that. Whether distancing ourselves from these situations causes them to leave their marriages or not, it sure is worth it to free ourselves from it.

 

Don't get me wrong, I was really tempted that night with xMM. When we go to dinner, we talk non-stop, laugh our heads off, and have so much fun it's incredible. I am ALWAYS tempted whenever he's within 100 feet of me. But since I know that, I have learned to expect it; and have learned to resist it.

 

This kind of struck me: I was watching American Hustle last night. I loved it when Amy Adams tells the MM, "You're nothing to me until you're everything!"

 

That kind of says it all, right? It's my new life motto.

[the_artist_1970]

My MW is going to be going on a great Christmas vacation in the coming days. There will be tons and tons of great family pics. I helped planned the vacation and what they are doing. They are going to a city that is my second home that they have never been to. She wanted to go because of me, and experience it. I helped her book the right hotel and made their whole itinerary. Some stupid pics on FB don't mean a dang thing.

 

She will be sitting at a restaurant that I booked for her having a nice dinner with her husband sending me private pics of the meal.

 

Get over the fluff.

 

Now this is really sick. Thank goodness everyone who posts on Facebook doesn't do it just to show the world they have a happy life/marriage. Some of us actually love our family and spouses and are actually happy. I pray that I NEVER become so deceptive to anyone.

[Realist3]

Now this is really sick. Thank goodness everyone who posts on Facebook doesn't do it just to show the world they have a happy life/marriage. Some of us actually love our family and spouses and are actually happy. I pray that I NEVER become so deceptive to anyone.

 

Do you know anyone that posts on FB their misery, their hard times in their marriage? Of course not. You are being naive. "This is our family enjoying a nice time by the beach in Hawaii, but boy, you sure should have seen the fight we had about an hour prior. I almost knocked him out!"

 

I don't know if it is deceptive at all because the picture shows an actual event that took place. By your definition every time a couple goes out in public and enjoys a nice evening together, even though their marriage is crap, they are being deceptive, and that just is not the case.

 

The point I was trying to make is that if you are involved in an A of whatever flavor it is wildly immature to get all worked up over a family photo that is posted on FB, when you yourself(should) know the context. It is not an affront the AP.

[Realist3]

Granted, I do understand that many sOW are being so snowed by their MM, that their understanding of the reality is a bit skewed. No matter how bad the MM says the marriage is, they go out on dates, they have nice dinners, they take nice vacations, they have sex, THEY HAVE FUN TOGETHER. That is the reality.

[Donate]

I had a very short 'thing' with a married woman...[we are both married], she was just too emotionally needy for me. Plus it was an automatic 'no' because we worked for the same company [her night shift and me day shift]. Two bad combos that lead to trouble.

 

I had to put the breaks on that quick. Now she does not speak to me or even acknowledge me....which is actually great imo. Before she wanted to sneak into rooms and kiss, hug or feel each other up....nah come on now, this is work, do you really want to get fired?...not me.

 

Having a mistress is much easier when she has a life of her own, is not clingy, needy, knows and respects the boundaries.

[elaine567]

Having a mistress is much easier when she has a life of her own, is not clingy, needy, knows and respects the boundaries.

 

This is often the reality of the situation from the point of view of the WH and seems to get forgotten by many OWs who get the cheating situation mixed up with "love", and thus get very hurt.

[Donate]

This is often the reality of the situation from the point of view of the WH and seems to get forgotten by many OWs who get the cheating situation mixed up with "love", and thus get very hurt.

 

True, it might very well grow into Love, but first and foremost any 'outside' relationship ought to be approached as very good friends 'who do more than friends'.

 

You have your life, family and friends...feel whole and complete emotionally and "I" do the same. "We" get together on mutual grounds, understanding the situation and boundaries, then enjoy our time together to the fullest [in every way we can]. This may or may not include going to a local movie theater, restaurant, concert or park....but it might, within reason.

 

Don't stumble into a relationship with a married person 'thinking' or 'assuming' it will be like two single people dating. Outside relationships can be very fulfilling and rewarding to the right two people.

[Realist3]

True, it might very well grow into Love, but first and foremost any 'outside' relationship ought to be approached as very good friends 'who do more than friends'.

 

You have your life, family and friends...feel whole and complete emotionally and "I" do the same. "We" get together on mutual grounds, understanding the situation and boundaries, then enjoy our time together to the fullest [in every way we can]. This may or may not include going to a local movie theater, restaurant, concert or park....but it might, within reason.

 

Don't stumble into a relationship with a married person 'thinking' or 'assuming' it will be like two single people dating. Outside relationships can be very fulfilling and rewarding to the right two people.

 

What you stated is why I believe married AP's have a much better go of it than if one of the AP's is single.

 

With that said, I think that open agreement/understanding with single OP's is rarely present. That is not the way the relationship is presented to them, and for very obvious reasons. Scant few, single women especially, would sign up for strictly being the side piece; so the MM sells them a huge pack of lies, which they believe. Eventually that relationship built on those lies comes crashing down.

[Donate]

What you stated is why I believe married AP's have a much better go of it than if one of the AP's is single.

 

With that said, I think that open agreement/understanding with single OP's is rarely present. That is not the way the relationship is presented to them, and for very obvious reasons. Scant few, single women especially, would sign up for strictly being the side piece; so the MM sells them a huge pack of lies, which they believe. Eventually that relationship built on those lies comes crashing down.

 

Thats probably the case most of the time.

 

I was in a relationship with a woman when I was married the first time. Never had a chance or desire to lie about being married or 'not' leaving my wife. She was singe...btw....we had a strong, deep relationship for 12 years while I was married. She had her own life outside of ours and even dated on occasion. I saw she was getting serious with one guy after they dated for over a year and how I might be getting in the way of things and we talked, and talked and talked some more. Finally I decided she was too good of a woman to keep from someone and decided to end things. It was the hardest thing I've done and still hurts till this day...I beat myself up for years after that...

 

At nearly 50 [both of us now] I am 100% sure neither of us has had a better, deeper, more meaningful and loving relationship with anyone.

 

Now with my second wife I am not really interested in outside relationships, though I do not look down on them...to each his/her own.

[bathtub-row]

What you stated is why I believe married AP's have a much better go of it than if one of the AP's is single.

 

With that said, I think that open agreement/understanding with single OP's is rarely present. That is not the way the relationship is presented to them, and for very obvious reasons. Scant few, single women especially, would sign up for strictly being the side piece; so the MM sells them a huge pack of lies, which they believe. Eventually that relationship built on those lies comes crashing down.

 

It's not all lies. Most people aren't that cynical and most don't cheat because they want a little thing going on the side. The truth is, very few people are serial cheaters. Most of them actually do fall in love (the man and the woman) and that's why the situation is so difficult to walk away from.

 

I know for a fact that my xMM was considering leaving his wife for me. I heard this from a reliable source; someone who was on MM's wife's side and didn't want MM to divorce. So he had nothing to gain by telling me that. And there's no doubt in my mind that xMM still loves me to this day, just as I do. We just can't be together. It doesn't mean his intent was to use me and I don't think most of them feel that way. People get involved in affairs usually because they develop a great friendship and then are surprised by the connection they have.

[Realist3]

It's not all lies. Most people aren't that cynical and most don't cheat because they want a little thing going on the side. The truth is, very few people are serial cheaters. Most of them actually do fall in love (the man and the woman) and that's why the situation is so difficult to walk away from.

 

I know for a fact that my xMM was considering leaving his wife for me. I heard this from a reliable source; someone who was on MM's wife's side and didn't want MM to divorce. So he had nothing to gain by telling me that. And there's no doubt in my mind that xMM still loves me to this day, just as I do. We just can't be together. It doesn't mean his intent was to use me and I don't think most of them feel that way. People get involved in affairs usually because they develop a great friendship and then are surprised by the connection they have.

 

For some I think you are correct. But for a married person to go there is a distinct decision to take it there.

 

I have been considering leaving my wife or the past 20 years. I have also considered moving to Alaska and living as a bushman for about the same period of time. My best friend will attest to that, and if you ask him he would tell you straight up. The point is that people consider an awful lot of things throughout their lives. Statistics show us that in the MM and sOW those considerations of leaving the wife and family rarely pan out in the sOW's favor. Men are really really really REALLY good at telling women what they want to hear. And likewise women are really really good at believing what they are being told is true, because that is what they want to hear. You can remove the affair aspect and take those facts to the bank.

 

I have no doubt your xMM has/had great feelings for you. I love my MW to death, but I didn't have to lie to her about some future plans of being together, even though I would love it. WHat I am talking about is the unrealistic relationship dynamic that sOW/OM's have with their MM/MW. There is an underlying expectation that they will some day be a couple. I'm not sorry for beating up on my own gender, but I think MM exploit that vulnerability in sOW's. The term future faking doesn't exist for nothing. Just read on this board, for every true happy anding there are 5000, that aren't. It is not because the MM didn't have feeling for the sOW, it is because he was never going to leave his wife.

 

You can discount it all you want because your own personal experience, but the fact is that MM get sOW's to get involved by suggesting some sort of future. And sure, it may happen or develop out os a friendship process, but those are coupled with those considerations of leaving the wife that rarely come to fruition.

 

Nothing I was stating has to deal with serial cheaters. That is a different breed of animal.

[Realist3]

There have been some really good posters here that are/were sOW that had honest understandings of what their role was in the relationship. They embraced it. They weren't running around posting threads about how they had been treated poorly because of silly FB pictures. They were honest relationships. As mentioned earlier, too many sOW's do not have that understanding.

Edited December 17, 2014 by Realist3

[bathtub-row]

My point was that xMM never said that he thought about leaving his marriage for me. I heard that from someone else. The thing that the other person said about having something on the side reeked if something a serial cheater would do, and how they would think.

 

Once I realized that xMM was never going to leave his marriage, I did try to be the happy OW but it simply doesn't work for me so that didn't last long. While xMM and I have had our differences in the past, I don't feel that he treated me badly, but I understand what you're saying in that respect.

 

And I wasn't only referring to my situation when I spoke about the majority of affairs. The truth is, most of them happen unexpectedly and most people don't cheat just for the sake of cheating.

[elaine567]

Statistics show us that in the MM and sOW those considerations of leaving the wife and family rarely pan out in the sOW's favor.

1. Men are really really really REALLY good at telling women what they want to hear. And likewise women are really really good at believing what they are being told is true, because that is what they want to hear. ...
    
   
2. (There exists an) unrealistic relationship dynamic that sOW/OM's have with their MM/MW. There is an underlying expectation that they will some day be a couple. I'm not sorry for beating up on my own gender, but I think MM exploit that vulnerability in sOW's. The term future faking doesn't exist for nothing. ...
    
   
3. It is not because the MM didn't have feeling for the sOW, it is because he was never going to leave his wife. ...
    
   
4. The fact is that MM get sOW's to get involved by suggesting some sort of future. And sure, it may happen or develop out of a friendship process, but those are coupled with those considerations of leaving the wife that rarely come to fruition.
   

 

This ^^^^

[Realist3]

The truth is, most of them happen unexpectedly and most people don't cheat just for the sake of cheating.

 

No doubt. Although, I would suggest that that unexpectedness happens far more often on the OW/OM side than the MM/MW side. The MM/MW knows full well what they are doing.

[bathtub-row]

No doubt. Although, I would suggest that that unexpectedness happens far more often on the OW/OM side than the MM/MW side. The MM/MW knows full well what they are doing.

 

A couple of days after the first time we were together, xMM was driving back to the city where he lived. He called me when he was about halfway there. I'll never forget his words. He thanked me for that night and gently said, "I wouldn't trade it for a million bucks. Not a million bucks."

 

Did he know what he was doing when he went after me? In a way, probably. But I've been in bad marriages and I can tell you that they can grind you down to the point where you're willing to do anything to feel better, even for a short while. I know that xMM has a very bad marriage, as I pointed out in a previous post where I overheard a recent conversation that I wasn't meant to hear, where he said that all he and his wife do is fight. This isn't a good situation and it affects his health a great deal. Still, he made his choice and I'm sure it was the right one for him.

 

Did he deliberately use me, or did he just gravitate to someone that he connected with because he wanted to feel happiness for just a short while?

 

You see, a person can be a cynic about it, or they can keep in mind what they believe the original intent was, the thing that caused that person to cross the line and make the mental and emotional shift. I will never believe that xMM had cruel intentions toward me, and I don't believe that most people do.

 

Has this caused me to be more protective of myself about who I allow into my life? Absolutely. But that's not because I think people have ill-intentions. It's because I want to know the person, know their intent, know their level of commitment to me before I get in too deeply. xMM taught me that lesson...without meaning to.

[Realist3]

Did he deliberately use me, or did he just gravitate to someone that he connected with because he wanted to feel happiness for just a short while?

 

I have no idea. Only he can answer that.

 

Maybe you could suggest that myself and my MW are using each other... if so, so be it. We find happiness in what we are doing, and it works for us. It has lasted longer than I ever expected.

[prettyeyes87]

There have been some really good posters here that are/were sOW that had honest understandings of what their role was in the relationship. They embraced it. They weren't running around posting threads about how they had been treated poorly because of silly FB pictures. They were honest relationships. As mentioned earlier, too many sOW's do not have that understanding.

This is interesting. I guess technically I was a single OW but i understood better than my exMM or SM(separted man). He wanted to break down my independent nature and cling to him. When I acted like I didn't need him he would get very upset. When other guys paid attention to me or wanted to help me with something, he would go off on how I should have asked him. I told him straight up that while he is separated he is still married. He wanted to be out in public together and I was the one not liking that idea because I didn't want to be seen by one of his family members, but he didn't care at all. He tried to get our kids together ( meaning his daughter AND his stepdaughter-his wife's kid ). Both these kids are 12 and 9 and could easily go tell. He told me I was ashamed of him, he wanted to meet my family and friends, tagged me all over facebook...I had a better understanding then he ever had. I had to check him and keep him out of lala land which eventually pushed him away because i wasn't opening up fast enough and now he is working on his marriage...

[Savannah2]

Mm and I have still be talking the past few weeks but haven't don't anything physical. We won't see each other for 2 weeks being off from work. Well, two nights ago, I didn't hear from him at all which is very unusual because he will usually touch base with me at least every few hours. I checked fb and saw a post that his phone was not working and If anyone needed to contact him, they should contact his wife. The next day I found out that him and his wife got in s huge fight because she hates his family and causes complete chaos for him and them when they visit. He said that he cannot get w new phone until February due to him having to pay full price for it, contract stuff. So basically he destroyed my lifeline to him because we can no longer communicate like we were because he does not have access to the app we use.

 

Part of me wonders if he did it on purpose. It's no surprise that he's been blowing hot and cold for a while now. He also said that he thinks she wahts a divorce and told him that she is not coming home after the holidays. I don't believe it though. She freaks out like this on him but never follows through and then the next week will be posting lovey fb pics of the two of them.

 

I feel like there is a huge void and I miss him. Oh and he shattered his phone in a million pieces out of anger. He is not a hot headed person so this surprised me.

Edited December 24, 2014 by Savannah2
Forgot info

[Savannah2]

Why the push/pull behavior from MM? Every few months or so he will get somewhat distant and back off. We were together physically this week and the rest of the week he started getting distant. He said that he needed a "pause" on the physical stuff because he feels guilty. Not an ending, just a pause. It hurts so much. I cannot let him keep doing this to me