MM wants a "pause" [update]

[elaine567]

I was married when we started this. In a very bad marriage that needed to end. We are separating. I think I want for him to be more consistent with me with how he treats me. He will be very attentive and want me and then go cold and back off. And I wreck myself trying to figure out why he backs off and what I did wrong. I start feeling really down on myself comparing myself to his wife telling myself that I'm not as pretty as her or as good in bed. It's a terrible cycle.

 

He has you right where he wants you, you love him so he knows you are faithful to him, he can be as nice or as cold as he likes and you will still be there like some little loyal puppy dog.

 

I would guess he doesn't love you, in fact I guess he may despise you and himself for being so weak, so he shows his disgust and goes cold, but because you are shelter in the storm he comes back.

Going cold with no obvious reason is also a form of emotional abuse, be very careful here, you went from an unhappy situation into the arms of someone who perhaps choose you, because he was looking for a victim.

Did he love-bomb you at the start?

 

If I were you I would not be available, say you are busy when he next comes a knocking, keep him at arms length. Test him.

He will either just say "Phew!, I am glad that is over", or he will think perhaps "she is not the victim I thought she was". You can then move on, knowing where you stand, OR he will pursue you.

If he pursues you, then I am not saying this is love, but it will alter the dynamic between you, it gives you some control, because at the moment you have none.

He shouts jump and you say how high, he ignores you and you are gutted and are in bits.

 

Stop saying you love him, it shows how weak you are and gives him an excuse to be nasty to you, as he knows you can do nothing about it and it makes him feel better about returning to his wife.

"Love" doesn't conquer all you cannot make someone love you by telling them you love them, in fact it often has the opposite effect.

[Savannah2]

Thank you all so much for your responses and advice. You have no idea how much it means to me. I have no one to talk to about him. Nobody knows about this. I really take all your words to heart and I feel myself becoming stronger as I read them.

[jellybean89]

It isn't a competition with his wife.

 

You have no true knowledge of their marriage except for snippets.

 

You claim she treats him horribly...and here he is treating you horribly! She may have reason to treat him a certain way...we already know he is a lair, a cheat, dishonest, unfaithful...yet you stay on the sideline waiting for crumbs (your words) for 3 YEARS!!! How much longer are you going to do this? He's not leaving her and he treats you poorly.

[CarrieT]

This has been going on for 3 years. I have told him I love him and his response is I know you do. But he has never said it to me.

My goodness. I wish you would re-read this.

 

For THREE YEARS you have allowed yourself to be a f*ck-toy. You have given your heart to someone who has not even been able to reciprocate the feelings. That means you are nothing to him but a semen-receptical.

 

I don't know what it's going to take to walk away for good.

You will when you get strong enough to realize that you are worth much, much more than how you are being treated by the guy.

 

He always wants to leave the door open during his "break".

Of course he does. He's got you on a leash and as long as you keep letting him back in your bed, he will manipulate the situation.

 

I don't mean to be cruel, but you are tantamount to a drug for him. You have already stated that he can't or won't admit any feelings for you. I believe because he really only has feelings of selfishness and lust. He only wants you for the sex you give him.

 

I feel so sorry for you to have wasted three years on someone who can't give you any of the love you deserve.

[elaine567]

It isn't a competition with his wife.

 

You have no true knowledge of their marriage except for snippets.

 

You claim she treats him horribly...and here he is treating you horribly! She may have reason to treat him a certain way...we already know he is a lair, a cheat, dishonest, unfaithful...yet you stay on the sideline waiting for crumbs (your words) for 3 YEARS!!! How much longer are you going to do this? He's not leaving her and he treats you poorly.

 

Surely being the OW is supposed to be about "fun", else why put yourself through it.

For any self respecting person there has to be some sort of a trade off before getting involved with a MM.

For instance, the spouse gets the house, the kids, the respectability and the fights, and the "mistress" gets taken out, wined and dined, the nights away, the presents and the sex.

The wife gets real life and the mistress gets "the good bits".

Is that not how it is supposed to work?

[sunshine008]

This has been going on for 3 years. I have told him I love him and his response is I know you do. But he has never said it to me. I don't know what it's going to take to walk away for good. He always wants to leave the door open during his "break".

 

I think this quote says it all. He has never said he loves you?? Think about that.

 

 

It's time you take a "pause" yourself.

[GirlStillStrong]

Very good point. It makes me feel very used and it just reinforces the fact that he loves her, not me. I have seen her make him absolutely miserable yet he always falls all over himself to try to make her happy. Then there's me over in the sidelines waiting for crumbs while he is focusing on her and get needs.

 

Of course it makes you feel used and compare yourself to her and feel bad about yourself. That is what he WANTS you to feel, believe it or not. He is manipulating you and you think his words are real.

 

SHE is not making him miserable, HE is. Happiness is a CHOICE. And he chooses to bitch and gripe about her and the marriage and how unhappy he is, as if his decisions are all her fault. These guys completely lack accountability and blame and resent other people for their problems. They may actually believe YOU are the answer to his happiness but remember that's a double-edged sword.

 

Anyway, what is really most important for you (and me) to understand is that any person who brings you such bad feelings is just not worth it. Relationships are for helping us grow, expand our lives, have fun, and do new things, not making us compare ourselves to others (which is ALWAYS a bad idea), feel like we are not enough, reduce our self-esteem to be dependent on HIM and what he does or does not do or say. It's really sick what these people do to us and we let them because we believe in some fairy tale.

[GirlStillStrong]

This has been going on for 3 years. I have told him I love him and his response is I know you do. But he has never said it to me. I don't know what it's going to take to walk away for good. He always wants to leave the door open during his "break".

 

I know that probably hurts but seriously, love's got nothing to do with it. And think about it a second. He loves his wife? Or at least says he does? But he is having an affair with you, and who else? How many women is he playing at one time while declaring his love? That's not love, I assure you. What he's talking about is just a feeling. Men say all kinds of things! I get so tired of it; I wish most of them would just shut up. LOL

 

Being involved with a married person is an anti-relationship. All the good feelings had in brief moments are strictly that, and a real relationship is not able to form. You live on hope, waiting for the next high, but hope is desperate, isn't it? And highs are elusive. Better to invest your time, feelings, and energy on something more reliable. Like a dog

 

Anyway, you DO know what it's going to take. It's going to take YOU being the strong one, setting your foot down, accepting into your life only that which is worthy of being there in the first place. It's going to take YOU being the one who holds to her values and morals, YOU living your life with integrity. Instead of allowing some stupid man to make very poor decisions about how your life is going to be lived. Isn't 3 years long enough to allow a man to **** up your life? It is time to stand up and be responsible for your own self, your own life, and achieving your own dreams. At least that's what I keep telling myself.

[GirlStillStrong]

And it will go on for another 3 yrs, or another 30 - however long you're willing to allow yourself to be the one on the back burner. He has said nothing to you to indicate that he intends to leave his marriage, and has actually conveyed the exact opposite of that.

 

This is not about him wanting to leave the door open. It's not about what he wants at all. This is what a break up is about. YOU decide what you're going to do and he has no choice but to comply. Your words sound like the words of a victim. Is that what you are?

 

The problem is, you have this fantasy in your head about his feelings for you and the potential future you may have. The sad truth is that even if he's madly in love with you - and he may be - he will not leave his wife. Women make the sad mistake of thinking that just because a man sleeps with her, acts in love, and won't let her go, that it means he will change his life for her. He's leading you on by these things, even if he never says anthing else to encourage you, and you're hanging onto it because it gives you hope. Hopefully, you'll realize someday soon that there is no hope and you are wasting precious years on your life with a man who's willing to let you do just that.

 

I'm not saying he's a horrible person or that he's being deliberately mean. But, what I am saying is that most people will not make a decision for you when it concerns your life. The truth is, if he is ever going to leave his wife, it won't happen while the two of you are together. You see, by being there for him, you're actually making his marriage look better. Your presence is filling in the gaps and is making it easier for him to live with his wife, if they actually have problems.

 

I don't know if you saw my thread about overhearing a conversation between my xMM and a friend of his. But what I overheard him say is that all he and his wife do is fight, and that maybe he should get a boat. You see, he would much prefer to live away from her on a boat than get a divorce. It only made me more happy that I ended our long-term affair because even what we had is not enough to make him change his mind. To this day, he does not want to lose touch with me. But I stopped seeing that as a positive thing. I learned a long time ago that it ultimately meant nothing. Overhearing that conversation just convinced me even more how much I was wasting my time. It breaks my heart that I can see you're doing the same thing. I'm here to tell you that you need to somehow figure how a way to let your common sense and self-respect overrule your emotions so that you an leave this situation. You're making a huge mistake by staying in it.

 

This is awesome stuff, Bathtub, THANK YOU!!

[GirlStillStrong]

Thank you all so much for your responses and advice. You have no idea how much it means to me. I have no one to talk to about him. Nobody knows about this. I really take all your words to heart and I feel myself becoming stronger as I read them.

 

We're all helping eachother. Reading this thread helps me, as I am sure it is helping others, as we deal with the same human dysfunction. Thanks for posting.

[whichwayisup]

It's all up to you when you decide you've had enough. 3 years of you saying I love you yet he won't and hasn't said it back. He backs off, leaves the door open and you continue to let him back in no matter how badly he treats you, how badly he disrespects you. This guy has it made! He can be a real sh.it you to and you keep on welcoming him back into your life! Why would he walk away? He must feel like a "King". Crumbs... I hope you get sick of those crumbs and tell him to F OFF and shut the door once and for all.

 

You can do so much better but until you are so sick and tired of this roller coaster ride and realize that you can find a better man for yourself, it will continue on for as long as you welcome him back into your life.

[Cali408]

You have the strength and self esteem to leave. You just have to take action. As a former MM, we don't leave, won't leave, can't leave.

 

Men hate change and like sex. He stays with his wife and spends time with you. It's a a win win for him.

 

You need to move on

[Poppy47]

I think the only person on the planet he loves is himself.

 

He will say and do anything to get what he wants, for himself.

 

It's all about HIM!!

 

pOPPY

[Savannah2]

He says that he just wants to stop the physical stuff for a while. But he still wahts to continue talking and communicating with me secretly. He will message me a few times a day asking how I'm doing, what I'm doing, that he's thinking of me. But that's it

[Daisy2013]

He says that he just wants to stop the physical stuff for a while. But he still wahts to continue talking and communicating with me secretly. He will message me a few times a day asking how I'm doing, what I'm doing, that he's thinking of me. But that's it

 

I swear, I'm tempted to ask if you are seeing my guy. Same stuff, but mine says he loves me...all the time. He will be back for the physical stuff, just you wait. I got the pause on physical stuff every 3 months like clockwork for 3 years. It's actually been 6 now, so I'm waiting. As it's way past time. As long as he's contacting you, and you respond, it keeps it alive and he will resume in his time. Mine would pause but continue calling with the I miss you and ILYs, then it would start up again. I hope you can strengthen yourself to keep the pause in place. Good luck to you.

[GirlStillStrong]

He says that he just wants to stop the physical stuff for a while. But he still wahts to continue talking and communicating with me secretly. He will message me a few times a day asking how I'm doing, what I'm doing, that he's thinking of me. But that's it

 

Yup, same here. But mine will text, call, and email constantly if I let him. He even does it in front of his wife, and she knows he is communicating with me. Have you read any about emotional affairs? Cause it sounds like that is what he is doing. You're fulfilling that missing part of his relationship with his wife, that's all. It does not mean your relationship with him is going to go anywhere. For whatever reason, he is not capable of getting his emotional needs met in his marriage. That could be because they are a bad match or he can't allow himself to be vulnerable that way in front of or with her. The sex just strengthens that emotional bond for him. But NONE of this has anything to do with him leaving her. If he's feeling guilt over the sex with you, he doesn't even have one foot out the door. He's going nowhere until she tells him to leave, and why would she do that? She doesn't even know he is unhappy enough to have an affair. And even if she finds out, the chances of her kicking him out are slim to none.

[CarrieT]

He says that he just wants to stop the physical stuff for a while. But he still wahts to continue talking and communicating with me secretly. He will message me a few times a day asking how I'm doing, what I'm doing, that he's thinking of me. But that's it

 

Some people call that "breadcrumbs" and others call it "dangling the carrot."

 

It is to keep you on a hook for when he gets horny again.

 

Why do you put up with it?

[FusionCutter]

Some people call that "breadcrumbs" and others call it "dangling the carrot."

 

It is to keep you on a hook for when he gets horny again.

 

Why do you put up with it?

 

She probably loves him. When you love someone, you tolerate crazy things.

[jellybean89]

He says that he just wants to stop the physical stuff for a while. But he still wahts to continue talking and communicating with me secretly. He will message me a few times a day asking how I'm doing, what I'm doing, that he's thinking of me. But that's it

 

WHY do you continue to allow him to disrespect you like this? Why? It isn't love - is it loneliness? Is it because 'someone' is better than no one? Why do you not want better for yourself? Why do you not DEMAND better for yourself? Why is this acceptable to you?

[Savannah2]

I wish I knew why. I become frantic at the thought of losing him completely. Even though I know this is not healthy. I do love him. I think I need counseling to figure out why. It's not like he is professing his love for me that's for sure. He says he would be crushed if I walked away from him completely. He says he wished he had met me 15 years ago, but love, nah he's never gone there wht me and he never denies that he is in love with his wife. In fact, every birthday and anniversary he proclaims his love to his beautiful wife (his words) on his Facebook page. Huge slap in the face. I finally hid him on Facebook because I couldn't stand to see the vacation and date night pictures. A lot of pain and hurt here. And confusion.

[MissBee]

Why the push/pull behavior from MM? Every few months or so he will get somewhat distant and back off. We were together physically this week and the rest of the week he started getting distant. He said that he needed a "pause" on the physical stuff because he feels guilty. Not an ending, just a pause. It hurts so much. I cannot let him keep doing this to me.

 

The hot and cold and push and pull is a hallmark behavior in many affairs and other dubious relationships. This behavior tends to fuel it feeling addictive because when the highs are high or the hot is hot it is great then there is the cold and pushing away and then when it happens you crave the pull and the hot again and it creates a dramatic cycle.

 

I know it's easier said than done, but you are the one in charge of if you'll continue to allow this or just end things and avoid this roller coaster.

 

I also second the poster who encouraged that you focus on understanding YOU versus him. Figuring out why you allow this and why you're in this position will be infinitely better than trying to read MM's mind, as at the end of the day, you can only control yourself and the choices you make, not him.

[elaine567]

I wish I knew why. I become frantic at the thought of losing him completely. Even though I know this is not healthy. I do love him. I think I need counseling to figure out why. It's not like he is professing his love for me that's for sure. He says he would be crushed if I walked away from him completely. He says he wished he had met me 15 years ago, but love, nah he's never gone there wht me and he never denies that he is in love with his wife. In fact, every birthday and anniversary he proclaims his love to his beautiful wife (his words) on his Facebook page. Huge slap in the face. I finally hid him on Facebook because I couldn't stand to see the vacation and date night pictures. A lot of pain and hurt here. And confusion.

 

There is no confusion, apart from that in your head.

He loves his wife, they go on vacations and date nights together and he is proud to proclaim his love on FB for the world to see. He cannot even proclaim his feelings for you in the privacy of your affair and has distant episodes in which he shuns you.

He is using you for sex and his own ends, pure and simple. He is not even nice to you.

For your own sanity, do not stay another minute with this man, he is toxic, you are wasting your life.

[GirlStillStrong]

I wish I knew why. I become frantic at the thought of losing him completely. Even though I know this is not healthy. I do love him. I think I need counseling to figure out why. It's not like he is professing his love for me that's for sure. He says he would be crushed if I walked away from him completely. He says he wished he had met me 15 years ago, but love, nah he's never gone there wht me and he never denies that he is in love with his wife. In fact, every birthday and anniversary he proclaims his love to his beautiful wife (his words) on his Facebook page. Huge slap in the face. I finally hid him on Facebook because I couldn't stand to see the vacation and date night pictures. A lot of pain and hurt here. And confusion.

 

Aw, I'm sorry. Please, you need to build up your self esteem again but I think the only way is to get away from him. I know it's difficult to let go but I promise it gets easier over time. This guy is not who or what your heart believes him to be.

[bathtub-row]

In fact, every birthday and anniversary he proclaims his love to his beautiful wife (his words) on his Facebook page. Huge slap in the face. I finally hid him on Facebook because I couldn't stand to see the vacation and date night pictures. A lot of pain and hurt here. And confusion.

 

For the life of me, I can't imagine why you put up with this nonsense. Really?? This kind of thing doesn't make you bolt? Sister, you're setting yourself up to be a prime candidate for an abusive relationship. "But I love him" is not a good enough reason not to walk away. Because you go into a tailspin isn't even a good enough reason. You would do yourself a huge favor by developing stronger boundaries in your life, and raise your expectations of men while you're at it.

[Savannah2]

He knows the Facebook posts upset me and his answer to me is that "there are some things I just have to do or else she will get mad at me". I guess his wife asked why he hasn't been putting anything about her on Facebook recently so he had to. Or that's what he tells me.