Why can't you be friends with an ex affair partner?

[whichwayisup]

I agree with this except I wasn't an affair partner to him, more like a girlfriend while he was separated and his wife knew about me and our friendship. So he is an exAP to me but I am like an ex-gf to him...if that makes sense. Thank you for response!

 

But you had a boyfriend all along, so he IS an exAP. Does your boyfriend know of your affair? I read your other thread too, certainly seems like an affair on many levels too.

 

Either way, he was still married. And who knows if their separation was with intention to get back together, if it was that, then that's an affair.

 

Block him and cut him out of your life. Focus on healing and fixing things with your boyfriend.

[JustJoe]

and I have respected his wishes...except after that he continued to contact me and still wanted to talk and be friends (all his words). Now if he can't handle being friends why say that? I didn't offer it. He needs to respect his own wishes and stop flip flopping. I know what I want.

Obviously , you don't , hence the need for this thread.

[anne1707]

To understand exactly WHY a friendship can't revert once lines have been crossed. I mean it's the same thing if I had a guy best friend and one day we have sex so now we are longer "just friends" anymore....why??

 

Respect for the BS (or betrayed boyfriend)

Being honest and open about ALL friendships

Not having secrets from the BS/boyfriend

Not having an emotional investment in someone that the BS/boyfriend would not feel happy about due to the (supposedly over) affair

Having a fully committed relationship with just one person (unless the relationship is an open one and all know about each other)

[whichwayisup]

To understand exactly WHY a friendship can't revert once lines have been crossed. I mean it's the same thing if I had a guy best friend and one day we have sex so now we are longer "just friends" anymore....why??

 

Your other thread shows a hell of a lot of emotions. An affair dynamic can't be compared to a regular relationship or FWB.

 

Once you cross the lines, have sex etc., it just changes. You don't have sex with your female friends, right? That's platonic. It isn't platonic when you sleep with your male best friend.

 

http://www.loveshack.org/forums/transitioning/friends-lovers/502708-slept-best-friend-she-love-me-now-ignoring-me#post6011678

 

Read the above thread. Maybe it'll shed some light.

Edited November 21, 2014 by whichwayisup

[aliveagain]

You don't need to ask us that question, you need to ask the father of your child that question, see what he thinks, that's the only opinion that should matter.

[october87]

Have you considered moving this question over to the OM OW forum. There is alot more people over there that support cheating and clearly I think that is what you are looking for. Most people that are trying to better themselves look for a way to distance themselves from the bad choices they made in there lives. You are clearly looking to reopen your affair and your just looking for people to support that.

 

You will find people that support that over there. You wont find that in this part of the forum.

 

Clay

I am not looking to cheat. I do not need to look to do anything because if I wanted to, I'd be off this board doing just that, it's really that easy. I am not looking for support in cheating! My thread is not about cheating really, I just like to understand. I have distanced myself from my exAP, he is blocked already on everything and has been. I am NOT looking to reopen my affair, it is not something I have to look to do! I simply could. These are all questions i will be asking in my therapy session but it's not for a couple weeks. Why would I want OW/OM to support me cheating? I want to talk to people who had affairs.

[JustJoe]

Lets address these issues. It is very possible to go from being in an FWB relationship to being in a friendship, without the "B". But ONLY if both parties are single and unattached. You said it yourself numerous times, You "crossed the line" from friend to sex partner, and neither of you were single and unattached, were you?

So lets ask, both your AP's wife and your BF what they think of the idea. Go to your BF, explain the whole situation to him, and come back and tell us what his reaction is.

[october87]

Lets address these issues. It is very possible to go from being in an FWB relationship to being in a friendship, without the "B". But ONLY if both parties are single and unattached. You said it yourself numerous times, You "crossed the line" from friend to sex partner, and neither of you were single and unattached, were you?

So lets ask, both your AP's wife and your BF what they think of the idea. Go to your BF, explain the whole situation to him, and come back and tell us what his reaction is.

Oh please, my BF is far from innocent and played his role in the way our relationship went.

[JustJoe]

I am a former OM, and have married my AP. I broke up with her, in order to end the deception, and regain my integrity. I could NOT have remained friends with her, because after we had sex for 4 years, it would have been impossible for me to look at her as anything other than a potential f*ck. WE were too close, to be casual.

[jackslife]

To answer op's original question with out referring to the op's personal circumstance. The answer has to be for the same reason you can't be friends with an ex. One half of the couple will want to get back together and die the death of a thousand cuts by staying in touch.

 

Mix this with the volatile combination of an affair partnership and God only knows what will happen.

 

Affairs range from one night stands to 10 years plus. You don't just exchange bodily fluids you become emotionally involved the longer it goes on. If you still have feelings for some one you want to stay in touch. If you don't have feelings for them then you won't want to be friends anyway.

 

We only want to stay in touch with our ex's when we have feelings for them. If we don't have feelings we don't bother. That is why NC is recommended for both people who've bern dumped and wayward spouses!

[JustJoe]

Oh please, my BF is far from innocent and played his role in the way our relationship went.

Your BF's innocence or lack of it, has no bearing on your actions or integrity, or lack of it. This is just an excuse, to cheat, and has no other value. It's amazing that in cheating, the most deluded people are the cheaters, themselves.

[october87]

I am a former OM, and have married my AP. I broke up with her, in order to end the deception, and regain my integrity. I could NOT have remained friends with her, because after we had sex for 4 years, it would have been impossible for me to look at her as anything other than a potential f*ck. WE were too close, to be casual.

My exAP seems to think we were too close to be causal as well but I know the feelings are just lust. he actually thinks we were closer and deeper than I think we were at all. This stuff made him mad but it wasn't real.

[october87]

Your BF's innocence or lack of it, has no bearing on your actions or integrity, or lack of it. This is just an excuse, to cheat, and has no other value. It's amazing that in cheating, the most deluded people are the cheaters, themselves.

It's not an excuse to cheat because I do not need an excuse, i would do it if i wanted to. I don't want to cheat on him again BUT just because i cheated does not magically make him some hurt, innocent person and it does not disapper what he has done prior. I will own my guilt but i will not beat myself down anymore when my BF was in the exact same position. We both hurt each other BUT neither hurt is greater than the other. How I made him feel is equal to how he made me feel.

[JustJoe]

So, just because he gave up his integrity, you feel justified giving up yours.......Good Idea.

[aliveagain]

Does that mean your boyfriend knows about your affair?

[october87]

So, just because he gave up his integrity, you feel justified giving up yours.......Good Idea.

I don't feel justfied or good about this! Read my other thread, I am very upset with myself. If I felt good or justified I would have taken pleasure in telling him " HAHA see I can do it too! You'd never thought i would but I did!". No the thought of telling him made me feel horrible and sick, even though i didn't have sex with my exAP. I don't think actively seeking therapy for both of us says i feel like what i did was right. Emotions are complicated.

[JustJoe]

When you give up your honor, if it means anything to you, then you have to do something to get it back. Being honest is a start. I forced D-day on my AP, thereby recovering my integrity, and forcing her to decide what she wanted. Now, perhaps your integrity isn't as important to you as it is to me, but once I had broken up with my AP, wild horses could not have allowed me to contact her again, and I certainly would never have assumed a casual friendship

[october87]

Does that mean your boyfriend knows about your affair?

I have not told him because I have been told this would be very selfish. I want it to come out during therapy so we can both have help dealing with the emotions that are sure to follow. He is emotionally damaged, I am not going to tell him something that I have no idea how it will affect him without making sure he has some kind of help to help him through. To help us through. People might not agree but I think it is best. besides if I told him he would not believe me, this may sound strange but he would just think I was making it up to upset him, this is another reason why I want to reveal in therapy so he can see I am not making this up, I really did do it.

[Clay]

I am not looking to cheat. I do not need to look to do anything because if I wanted to, I'd be off this board doing just that, it's really that easy. I am not looking for support in cheating! My thread is not about cheating really, I just like to understand. I have distanced myself from my exAP, he is blocked already on everything and has been. I am NOT looking to reopen my affair, it is not something I have to look to do! I simply could. These are all questions i will be asking in my therapy session but it's not for a couple weeks. Why would I want OW/OM to support me cheating? I want to talk to people who had affairs.

 

Having any kind of a dialog with a xPartner/OM while you are in a relationship is inappropriate. Its not so much that people would returning to cheating it is having healthy boundaries. Even discussing this and having curiosity to this should be a wake up call to you. If you are not happy with your Man now then why be with him.

 

You may not want to restart your affair but the fact that your even discussing this says more than you are saying on your post. As I stated people that truly feel remorseful do not even think this way. They do not wonder about these things. They wonder about what they can do to make there relationship stronger. They try to learn why the failed in the first place.

 

It does not sound like your all that remorseful. If you are relaying this here imagine what your BF is picking up on.,

 

You might consider counceling and taking a step back from any kind of a relationship for a while. Give your self a chance to get yourself back in check.

[whichwayisup]

Oh please, my BF is far from innocent and played his role in the way our relationship went.

 

So you blame your boyfriend for having an affair? You chose to go outside of your relationship, had MM meet your needs that weren't being met at home with your boyfriend?

 

Whatever problems you two have had in your relationship are on both of you, but your choice to go elsewhere and hook up with someone else is all on you. Not your boyfriend.

[whichwayisup]

I agree with this except I wasn't an affair partner to him, more like a girlfriend while he was separated and his wife knew about me and our friendship. So he is an exAP to me but I am like an ex-gf to him...if that makes sense. Thank you for response!

 

How long was your time with him before it ended?

 

She knew of the friendship, but did she know it was 'intimate'? Big difference. Did you actually speak to her? If he pawned you off as 'just a friend' then it was an affair.

[october87]

When you give up your honor, if it means anything to you, then you have to do something to get it back. Being honest is a start. I forced D-day on my AP, thereby recovering my integrity, and forcing her to decide what she wanted. Now, perhaps your integrity isn't as important to you as it is to me, but once I had broken up with my AP, wild horses could not have allowed me to contact her again, and I certainly would never have assumed a casual friendship

Here goes the judgement once again. I am NOT trying to maintain a friendship with my exAP. He told me he couldn't handle it then HE changed his mind and said he wanted to be friends and blah blah blah. I in return BLOCKED him on everything and haven't spoken to him since. I could have NO intergirty whatsoever, unblock him and aks him what he thinks about being friends after crossing the line but no I am here collecting knowledge on a situation I have NEVER been in before. I am sorry it took you 4 years to find your intergirty but I found mine within a couple months...

[october87]

Having any kind of a dialog with a xPartner/OM while you are in a relationship is inappropriate. Its not so much that people would returning to cheating it is having healthy boundaries. Even discussing this and having curiosity to this should be a wake up call to you. If you are not happy with your Man now then why be with him.

 

You may not want to restart your affair but the fact that your even discussing this says more than you are saying on your post. As I stated people that truly feel remorseful do not even think this way. They do not wonder about these things. They wonder about what they can do to make there relationship stronger. They try to learn why the failed in the first place.

 

It does not sound like your all that remorseful. If you are relaying this here imagine what your BF is picking up on.,

 

You might consider counceling and taking a step back from any kind of a relationship for a while. Give your self a chance to get yourself back in check.

This is what i keep repeating. I do have therapy set up for myself. I do understand that I have personal issues within myself that need addressed. I know these questions seem weird or like I am not remorseful but my therapy is until Dec 12th and I have NO where else to turn to. These questions zip around in my mind and yes my sitaution is not that frantic because there was no "DDAY". But I think the fact that I have cut the OM off, that I am actively seeking therapy and I do know something is wrong and needs to be fixed is a step in the right direction. Also all of this is fairly recent so I think it's understandable that I have alot of different thoughts and emotions battling it out right now...

[JustJoe]

"intergirty?" I'm not judging you at all, that is why I used the word, "perhaps". If I was judging you, I would have been more definite. I am well aware that emotional issues can be confusing, how well I know!! But that changes little of what you said, because you are not being honest with your BF, about your activities, are you? Be that as it may, it is possible for you to be friends with the AP, but you would have to break up with your BF, first, and hopefully tell him why the breakup occurred. That would be the way I would do it.

[october87]

"intergirty?" I'm not judging you at all, that is why I used the word, "perhaps". If I was judging you, I would have been more definite. I am well aware that emotional issues can be confusing, how well I know!! But that changes little of what you said, because you are not being honest with your BF, about your activities, are you? Be that as it may, it is possible for you to be friends with the AP, but you would have to break up with your BF, first, and hopefully tell him why the breakup occurred. That would be the way I would do it.

Sue me....I type fast and don't spell check when i feel judged