Why can't you be friends with an ex affair partner?

[JustJoe]

My suggestion would be to take a deep breath, read the post again, and get on with it. I don't type for sh*t, either.

[october87]

"intergirty?" I'm not judging you at all, that is why I used the word, "perhaps". If I was judging you, I would have been more definite. I am well aware that emotional issues can be confusing, how well I know!! But that changes little of what you said, because you are not being honest with your BF, about your activities, are you? Be that as it may, it is possible for you to be friends with the AP, but you would have to break up with your BF, first, and hopefully tell him why the breakup occurred. That would be the way I would do it.

Totally not worth it to me. If I do break up with my BF it will be because we no longer fit NOT for some man I didn't want and had the chance to be with in the past before he married.

[JustJoe]

And there you have your answer.

[Clay]

This is what i keep repeating. I do have therapy set up for myself. I do understand that I have personal issues within myself that need addressed. I know these questions seem weird or like I am not remorseful but my therapy is until Dec 12th and I have NO where else to turn to. These questions zip around in my mind and yes my sitaution is not that frantic because there was no "DDAY". But I think the fact that I have cut the OM off, that I am actively seeking therapy and I do know something is wrong and needs to be fixed is a step in the right direction. Also all of this is fairly recent so I think it's understandable that I have alot of different thoughts and emotions battling it out right now...

 

There are things you can do now to help yourself. Start writing in a journal daily. Share this with your counceler when you see them. Set realistic healthy goals for yourself. Get yourself involved with good things in life that promote you being healthy. Work, Volunteer to help people. Do things to help keep your mind off your AP. Find special things to do with your BF. Plan dinners for you and him. Show him he is still special in your life. Involve him in this. You will need all the support you can get. If you completely just lock him out your relationship will be doomed before it even gets a chance.

[october87]

I am a former OM, and have married my AP. I broke up with her, in order to end the deception, and regain my integrity. I could NOT have remained friends with her, because after we had sex for 4 years, it would have been impossible for me to look at her as anything other than a potential f*ck. WE were too close, to be casual.

Quick questions....so did you tell her husband everything? Also did you do it because you thought it was the right thing or to force her hand in some fashion?

[october87]

My exAP is the one who said he still wanted to be friends and kept going back and forth so I blocked contact. Throughout our affair he made me promise over and over that we would always be friends no matter what. I didn't promise because i told him I don't like making promises.

[No Limit]

Why can't you divorce the person you betrayed to be with the person you "love"?

[october87]

Why can't you divorce the person you betrayed to be with the person you "love"?

Because I do not "love" my exAP. It is only lust and will be gone as quickly as it came.

[whichwayisup]

My exAP is the one who said he still wanted to be friends and kept going back and forth so I blocked contact. Throughout our affair he made me promise over and over that we would always be friends no matter what. I didn't promise because i told him I don't like making promises.

 

so really, what is the issue here then? You've blocked him and don't want a friendship. Let it go and forget him. Focus on healing and fixing yourself, reconnecting with your boyfriend.

[No Limit]

Because I do not "love" my exAP. It is only lust and will be gone as quickly as it came.

 

But chances are you don't love your partner either if more primal aspects like lust get you to basically decline you being in a monogamous relationship. Isn't lust better than nothing, then?

[october87]

so really, what is the issue here then? You've blocked him and don't want a friendship. Let it go and forget him. Focus on healing and fixing yourself, reconnecting with your boyfriend.

I had a question. I honestly think I could (not that i want to) be friends with him once the lust finally dies. I have done it before and felt nothing. I was just curious as to why he feels like he can't be just my friend and why he would be hurt that i feel as if i could.

[anne1707]

I was just curious as to why he feels like he can't be just my friend and why he would be hurt that i feel as if i could.

 

Because that would mean that you meant more to him than he did to you. Simple as that.

[october87]

But chances are you don't love your partner either if more primal aspects like lust get you to basically decline you being in a monogamous relationship. Isn't lust better than nothing, then?

No lust did not bring me here. Please read my other thread...lots of emotional coldness and distant as well as infildelity brought me to the place I am at. I have had plenty of oppurtunities to cheat based on lust alone and have not taken one of them. This was different... lust developed after.

[FusionCutter]

I had a question. I honestly think I could (not that i want to) be friends with him once the lust finally dies. I have done it before and felt nothing. I was just curious as to why he feels like he can't be just my friend and why he would be hurt that i feel as if i could.

 

He was likely in love with you.

[jm2013]

I guess the answer to this question is simple. Anybody can befriend their AP. That is completely up to them. With that in mind, there are of course going to be consequences of this decision if the friendship or affair wasn't hidden from the spouse/fiancee/boyfriend of the WS. Here are my reason as to why.

 

Disrespect

No trust

Confusion

Anger

Resentment

 

These would all grow from the BS and probably ultimately kill off any small chance there was to rekindle the relationship and move forward. I remember when I first started dating my wife. I was still talking to my Ex girlfriend of 3 years probably weekly. Looking back at this it was extremely disrespectful. I still cared about her though. There were some points it almost seemed emotional. With that being said, I felt like I was walking a fine line. She kept in contact with me all the way up to maybe a week before my wedding. She called and asked if I was getting cold feet. I think she was waiting to see if I was really going to marry or call off the wedding and get back with her. We spoke as friends though but you could still tell there was an underlying tension. It was wrong. Let's just put it that way.

[JustJoe]

Quick questions....so did you tell her husband everything? Also did you do it because you thought it was the right thing or to force her hand in some fashion?

Both. I wanted her husband to know what was going on, but I wanted her to be the one to tell him, the details. Turns out, he didn't much care, as long as it wasn't in the news.

[AlwaysGrowing]

Can you accept that there are certain lines that once crossed can not be uncrossed?

 

Have you heard the saying "you can't undone a done bun".

 

It just is.

 

You have already shown that there CAN be times that you cross lines with this individual. It is a fact.

 

Your focus should be on how to put boundaries in place for yourself so that you do not get anywhere near the line in the future with someone else.

 

You both sacrificed the friendship for the affair. The affair didn't work out. It was a risk you both took and lost.

 

Pick up the pieces and go home. The game is over.

 

Life is not as complicated as some try to make it.

[october87]

How long was your time with him before it ended?

 

She knew of the friendship, but did she know it was 'intimate'? Big difference. Did you actually speak to her? If he pawned you off as 'just a friend' then it was an affair.

 

It was about 4 months all together and only about 6 weeks of the hot and heavy but we didn't have sex. His wife knew of our friendship and I think it's part of the reason she wanted him back. Idk if he pawned me off as just a friend...he told her we were spending time and that he can talk to me about the stuff going on in his life. She doesn't want him to be friends with me anymore but he continues to want to be friends but with strict limits.

[dichotomy]

I rarely if ever, think being close friends with anyone you had sex with, while in another committed relationship, is a good idea. Maybe remaining acquaintances with full knowledge of your current partner, is okay, maybe, but not friends. And as someone mentioned, it does have to be open, if your friends with an ex lover - and your current partner is unaware of it all - that's a form cheating.

 

Sexual intercourse and all that happens with sex, is a bonding event, particularly when feelings are involved, the brain is altered in both people who are sexual, chemicals are released, and and a deep intimacy is shared. This remains, this connection on sexual/inmate/feelings level - and crossing that boundary again becomes so easy.

[elaine567]

In my experience it is easy to be friends with people I am no longer into, people I am no longer emotionally invested in.

They are usually people I dumped or it was a mutual "this isn't working" thing.

 

I can be their friend, speak about their new relationships, go out for drinks coffees, etc. etc. and not get jealous nor end up back in bed.

BUT they find it difficult, sometimes I have had them even crying and wanting me back and that was awkward.

 

I learnt pretty quick actually, that it is best to leave them alone, being just friends and maintaining the friendship, although good for me, kills them.

[aliveagain]

It was about 4 months all together and only about 6 weeks of the hot and heavy but we didn't have sex. His wife knew of our friendship and I think it's part of the reason she wanted him back. Idk if he pawned me off as just a friend...he told her we were spending time and that he can talk to me about the stuff going on in his life. She doesn't want him to be friends with me anymore but he continues to want to be friends but with strict limits.

 

You repeatedly say you didn't have sex with O/M, hate to tell you this but oral sex is still sex(you stated previously that he performed oral on you numerous times). You can still get STD's from oral and you can also get them from simple finger insertion.

[october87]

In my experience it is easy to be friends with people I am no longer into, people I am no longer emotionally invested in.

They are usually people I dumped or it was a mutual "this isn't working" thing.

 

I can be their friend, speak about their new relationships, go out for drinks coffees, etc. etc. and not get jealous nor end up back in bed.

BUT they find it difficult, sometimes I have had them even crying and wanting me back and that was awkward.

 

I learnt pretty quick actually, that it is best to leave them alone, being just friends and maintaining the friendship, although good for me, kills them.

 

Thanks, this makes a lot of sense. I, like you, believe once my feelings are gone I could be friends while feeling nothing at all, but exAP is the one that couldn't handle it.

[FusionCutter]

Thanks, this makes a lot of sense. I, like you, believe once my feelings are gone I could be friends while feeling nothing at all, but exAP is the one that couldn't handle it.

 

Is it possible that you desire to be friends to try and mitigate guilt? Like "oh what we did wouldn't be so wrong.. now that we became friends out of it?"

[DKT3]

If you read my other thread it clearly states my exAP performed oral on me several times and I did nothing return. We did kiss and stuff but no intercourse and I did not perform any acts on him.

 

I do love my BF, I don't need him as a back up because I would be fine on my own.

 

Thanks, this makes a lot of sense. I, like you, believe once my feelings are gone I could be friends while feeling nothing at all, but exAP is the one that couldn't handle it.

 

I've followed both of your threads and hadn't planned on commenting because something about your story doesn't sound right, something is missing. However this whole Bill Clinton view of sex is just crazy. Its almost like in your mind its not as bad because there was no intercourse (like a couple others I actually question that).

 

Yes, your boyfriend is a backup plan. Couple comments you've made here has made that pretty clear. Not so much what you wrote but how. Example "I feel bad for lying to the exOM he has been so open with me...." then in an almost "oh by the way" manner you said "I also feel bad for my boyfriend".

 

Secondly you talk about him being a good father and that's about it the rest is about his faults. However with the exOM you speak glowingly aboout how much you care for and miss him.

 

There is a sense that your picking the boyfriend by default. Which is were I have an issue with your story. I'm not saying its the case, but its simply feels like the roles are really reversed and it was exOM going back to his wife first then you got cold. It just makes more sense going by all the other stuff your saying, including the being friends, blocking and so on. It just doesn't add up.

[october87]

I've followed both of your threads and hadn't planned on commenting because something about your story doesn't sound right, something is missing. However this whole Bill Clinton view of sex is just crazy. Its almost like in your mind its not as bad because there was no intercourse (like a couple others I actually question that).

 

Yes, your boyfriend is a backup plan. Couple comments you've made here has made that pretty clear. Not so much what you wrote but how. Example "I feel bad for lying to the exOM he has been so open with me...." then in an almost "oh by the way" manner you said "I also feel bad for my boyfriend".

 

Secondly you talk about him being a good father and that's about it the rest is about his faults. However with the exOM you speak glowingly aboout how much you care for and miss him.

 

There is a sense that your picking the boyfriend by default. Which is were I have an issue with your story. I'm not saying its the case, but its simply feels like the roles are really reversed and it was exOM going back to his wife first then you got cold. It just makes more sense going by all the other stuff your saying, including the being friends, blocking and so on. It just doesn't add up.

I really don't know what else to say except I did not have intercourse with him. It just simply is. Had the affair continued, yes it was going to happen but it didn't get that far because of ME. I stated in my other thread that I started acting cold and chased him off, not intentionally but it happened so things wouldn't go further. You don't know me so I have no reason to come under a name no one knows and LIE. I stayed the OM ended the affair AFTER he realized I didn't want more than an affair, a fun time. I didn't want to be his next wife and made it clear, only then did he decided to go back to his wife. But none that changes that I did care about him and was sad when things had to end. I'm just not a person who lives in Lala land and think lust is love.