gettingstronger Posted November 22, 2014 Share Posted November 22, 2014 He is trying to be nice and let you down easy- he does not want you in his life-he is using the age old "its not you, its me" thing-let it go 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Author october87 Posted November 23, 2014 Author Share Posted November 23, 2014 I am not picking my BF by default. I had no intention of ever leaving him in the first place and have no intentions of cheating on him again. if I truly wanted exAP I could have him, I am not saying he would leave his wife, but in some capacity. I honestly had no reason to choose, I could have kept both, I could have strung along my exAP but I did not, I sub consciously acted cold because I know where my home truly is, much like a wandering MM. ExAP picked up on it and had to make a choice that was best for him. Why take a chance on me when I wasn't serious ? So I'm still with my BF because that's where I always planned to be. Link to post Share on other sites
Author october87 Posted November 23, 2014 Author Share Posted November 23, 2014 Secondly you talk about him being a good father and that's about it the rest is about his faults. However with the exOM you speak glowingly aboout how much you care for and miss him. There is a sense that your picking the boyfriend by default. Which is were I have an issue with your story. I'm not saying its the case, but its simply feels like the roles are really reversed and it was exOM going back to his wife first then you got cold. It just makes more sense going by all the other stuff your saying, including the being friends, blocking and so on. It just doesn't add up. I have stated over and over that I only miss what he gave me that I was missing in the first place, not necessarily him. I have said the reality of him turns me off, that is hardly speaking "glowingly" of him. He was a fun person who was opposite my BF, doesn't mean I wanted to ride off into the sunset with him. And quite the opposite, I actually felt a flood of emotions when he went back to his wife (which I hid from him and have not acted on) but I know it's just silly lust. I was a lot colder and aloof when I had him, trying not to get attached. I mean yes I used the guy but that doesn't mean I don't care about him and miss him. And just because I care and miss him doesn't mean I love and want to be with him. Link to post Share on other sites
Realist3 Posted November 23, 2014 Share Posted November 23, 2014 I just wanted to say that intercourse rocks. Link to post Share on other sites
DKT3 Posted November 23, 2014 Share Posted November 23, 2014 (edited) You totally missed my point. First is, ask your boyfriend if it makes it better that you only engaged in oral sex, ask him if he is happy about the fact you were able to not go past that. The thing is, I personally could care less if your not being honest with me, you have to be honest with yourself which your not being. It is in no way healthy or wise for a committed woman to maintain a friendship with a married ex AP. The honesty comes into play because if you weren't intending on maintaining some kind of relationship 1) you wouldn't still be contacting him 2) it wouldn't matter if he was or wasn't willing to be friends. My feeling about this situation is this. You don't really care about your boyfriend, but it seems like you fear not having him there. I think your looking for greener grass and this other guy just wasn't it. Outlook? This won't be your last affair if you don't change your situation ie your state of mind. You seem to think your happiness is your boyfriends responsibilty. He wasn't making you happy so you went looking. You stated that now that you've had all this special stuff with the OM you don't think you can be happy with your boyfriend. Again, that doesn't sound like you are where you want to be. Get honest with yourself, its like the saying your talking out of both sides of your mouth. Edited November 23, 2014 by DKT3 1 Link to post Share on other sites
whichwayisup Posted November 23, 2014 Share Posted November 23, 2014 I have stated over and over that I only miss what he gave me that I was missing in the first place, not necessarily him. I have said the reality of him turns me off, that is hardly speaking "glowingly" of him. He was a fun person who was opposite my BF, doesn't mean I wanted to ride off into the sunset with him. And quite the opposite, I actually felt a flood of emotions when he went back to his wife (which I hid from him and have not acted on) but I know it's just silly lust. I was a lot colder and aloof when I had him, trying not to get attached. I mean yes I used the guy but that doesn't mean I don't care about him and miss him. And just because I care and miss him doesn't mean I love and want to be with him. So what made you cheat on your boyfriend? What was missing that OM gave you and your boyfriend couldn't? Humour, oral sex, and passion? You used him and put your own relationship at risk. I don't see you say you are in love with your boyfriend. Sadly I think you're lying to yourself, or in denial. Don't waste your boyfriends time, if you don't 'feel' he's the one, let him go so he can grieve and move on, find a woman who will totally adore and love him, not cheat on him. I say that respectfully. Link to post Share on other sites
bathtub-row Posted November 23, 2014 Share Posted November 23, 2014 People will tell you all the time that you can't be friends but it is possible. As you say, if your relationship was based on friendship, then it is possible to go back to that. If you're married, though, and want to stay friends with the person you had the affair with, then that would be an insult to your spouse, if he or she knows about the affair. So, in that case, I'd say that would be a bad idea. The reason most people can't be friends after being lovers is because of ego. It's a huge assault on our egos when someone we love doesn't want to be in a romantic relationship with us anymore. Men, especially, see the friendship thing as an insult. In the situation you're in, if I'm understanding it correctly, your ex is probably incredibly insulted that you chose your marriage over him. My xMM and I are still friends but it is a limited friendship. What I mean by that is that we no longer occupy several hours of one another's day by texting, emailing, etc. We care a great deal about one another and whenever we talk or see one another, it completely makes our day. For me, I had to get past the whole ego thing and realize that nothing trumps his friendship. We seem incapable of cutting ties with one another completely and probably never will. Most people don't want to go through that, though, and I can understand why. It's not always the thing to do, but it's not always a bad thing, either. People need to decide for themselves if it's a good idea to stay in touch with an ex or not. Also, both exes have to be willing. For xMM and I, we gave up trying to be apart. It seemed more detrimental than helpful and we continually gravitated back to one another over and over again. Everyone has to decide what works for them. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
DbleBetrayal Posted November 23, 2014 Share Posted November 23, 2014 (edited) OMG. Listen, let's be honest. You probably screwed the other man whether you will admit it here or not, whatever.Not fooling anyone. And second, you really don't have much respect for your boyfriend and his feelings, you have much more concern for the other man's feelings (but above all, your own). Why else would you want to stay in contact or anything to do with him. Why do that to your boyfriend? Whose more important out of the two? Haven't you hurt him enough without doing this. Geez. I'm sure you're hurting the other man by staying in contact with him anyway by leading him on (that's what staying in contact will do- you've got to know that, right). You're hurting, complicating and confusing everyone by staying in contact, including yourself. Edited November 23, 2014 by DbleBetrayal 2 Link to post Share on other sites
aliveagain Posted November 23, 2014 Share Posted November 23, 2014 I am not picking my BF by default. I had no intention of ever leaving him in the first place and have no intentions of cheating on him again. if I truly wanted exAP I could have him, I am not saying he would leave his wife, but in some capacity. I honestly had no reason to choose, I could have kept both, I could have strung along my exAP but I did not, I sub consciously acted cold because I know where my home truly is, much like a wandering MM. ExAP picked up on it and had to make a choice that was best for him. Why take a chance on me when I wasn't serious ? So I'm still with my BF because that's where I always planned to be. You know where your home is, please don't be offended but I just need to ask so I can give you the best advise a betrayed spouse can give with the information you've posted. Do you think you boyfriend/common law husband should be entitled to the same excitement an illicit secret affair gave you? What if tomorrow morning at 9:15 am you discovered that for the last 2.5 months your boyfriend has been munching on an ex girlfriends private parts, would it bother you? If so why knowing your history with your ex? You say your still with your boyfriend/common law husband because that's where you always planned to be. What makes you so special that you feel so entitled to not only cheat on your boyfriend but your just so special that you can humiliate the father of your child to a whole other level by feeling you can keep your affair partner as a friend? Do you not think that by even considering that option regardless if suggested by you or your affair partner, that it shows just how damaged you are? I stated on your other post that you are only half the partner you need to be because you are choosing how many men get your attention. It was you that brought a third person into your relationship, yet you come here looking for help and ask betrayed spouse's why a former affair partner can't be a friend because you miss that interaction/friendship from him. With your mindset the odds of your relationship surviving are low, why, because you are a liar, a cheater and you are keeping devastating secrets from your spouse. Relationships with liars rarely workout. Your man at home may already have suspicions, we always do so it is just a matter of time before everything is out in the open. Your the only one that can fix this and the fix may not be what you were expecting. You need to focus on questions that are in your best interest and the best interest of your daughter, you need to change your focus. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
DbleBetrayal Posted November 23, 2014 Share Posted November 23, 2014 (edited) I was just curious as to why he feels like he can't be just my friend and why he would be hurt that i feel as if i could. Holy crap. You can't be serious with this question. Edited November 23, 2014 by DbleBetrayal Link to post Share on other sites
TrustedthenBusted Posted November 23, 2014 Share Posted November 23, 2014 I don't understand WHY you can't go back to being "just friends" if you were friends before the line was crossed. I got this far into your post and actually felt myself getting REALLY pissed off. And essentially, THAT is why you can't do it. Link to post Share on other sites
DKT3 Posted November 23, 2014 Share Posted November 23, 2014 There is always a lot of talk on this site about getting it, this is an example of someone who clearly doesn't get it. "Hey honey, this is my friend Bob. We were friends then we started an affair that didn't work out so we are just friends again, you don't mind right. I didn't just have an affair but I really want to continue to disrespect you and rub it in your face because his friendship is more important to me then your feelings." BF deserves better. Good luck 2 Link to post Share on other sites
DbleBetrayal Posted November 23, 2014 Share Posted November 23, 2014 I really don't know what else to say except I did not have intercourse with him. "I did not have sexual relations with that woman" - Bill Clinton Link to post Share on other sites
bambiwboone Posted November 28, 2014 Share Posted November 28, 2014 You just can't. Period. What is the saying, " Two loves who are still friends either never loved one another or still do." It also depends on the dynamic of your relationship. Was it just sex? No feelings? Then sure why not. I would say no hanging out but maybe an occasional hello wouldn't be terrible. If the L word was thrown around. You were planning a future, then NO NO NO! You can't be friends. Link to post Share on other sites
Poptart Posted November 28, 2014 Share Posted November 28, 2014 ok first off I am not saying I want to or plan to be friends with my exAP. I know that shipped sailed long ago and isn't possible. However I don't understand WHY you can't go back to being "just friends" if you were friends before the line was crossed. And what do you consider a person who used to be a friend but now that lines were crossed they can't be "just a friend" anymore, so what are they now? What category do they fit if they are no longer a friend? My exAP basically told me he can't handle being friends because I know we are more than that... and he seemed upset that I don't think we are more than friends, he said being friends with me is too tempting for him...but I feel that I could be just friend, I get turned off from people (men) very quickly once I am done with them. I have exes from the past who i chat with sometimes and I feel absolutely nothing. But once I am done and turned off, then that's all she wrote... Also do you need to block someone if neither one of you is reaching out to the other?...seems like overkill if both parties are moving on The simplest answer you can't be just friends with the ex-affair partner is the same as why you couldn't be "just friends" with him before. Because he wants to have sex with you, and you with him. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
nightmare01 Posted November 28, 2014 Share Posted November 28, 2014 I've not read this entire thread, so sorry if my comments are out of line. About missing your AP. I think you are missing the lie. I mean, your entire relationship was a fiction because you weren't in a real relationship, only seeing each other here and there. The secret of what you were doing with AP actually was a wedge between you, and kept the relationship from being more than fiction. I have always been an avid reader. Genres have changed over the years, and continue to do so, but reading is something I've always done. At times, when I finish a particularly good book, there is a period of time that I actually miss the characters. Through reading I have traveled with them through terrible and trying times, and I've come to know and like them. And so when the book is finished and the story ends, I miss them. Could this be a VERY WEAK version of what you are feeling? Link to post Share on other sites
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