My husband's female friend (Updated)

[Realist3]

I have read alot of messages between them. She was always telling him she does not want to openly date or have sex with him until "the ink is dry"...those were her words. She told him she wouldn't let him treat her like a whore and he promised her he would never do that.

 

She would tell him what she would do with him IF he was single but that she wouldn't do it while he was married. He asked her if she would wait for him and she told him she didn't know.

 

 

That is just the kind of stuff 'friends' talk about. NOT!

 

He was actively pursuing her for sex. It makes no difference that she turned him down. His motivations are obvious. Please wake up.

Edited November 26, 2014 by Realist3

[merrmeade]

What did you mean by he can pay for IC after the divorce?

Still looking for a paycheck.

Why do you think you deserve all this money?

Hey, lighten up on her; you're jumping to conclusions. Nowhere did she say that. I suggested the IC because she seems so needy and dependent.

If you could possibly get into IC (he can pay for it after the divorce), get help figuring out a way to better yourself - maybe even get a college degree or pursue some other goal that you want - you would be so happy to be rid of him.

Just disconnect that statement from the evidence of what's been written. You imply she's digging deeper to get more knowledge to screw him in divorce court? It doesn't sound like they've ever had an honest relationship nor does she expect it. When you've been betrayed, you NEED to know about the affair, yet she's not confronting or holding him accountable. Instead, she watches furtively, almost masochistically, as they communicate, I think, because she's afraid of losing him. I know nothing about divorce but do not see somebody faking it in order to take her husband, who's not even wealthy, to the cleaners. If you're right, she's been incredibly good at appearing clueless, but if you're wrong, the accusations are what's crazy - and cruel.

 

Back to real issues. No, I said that about the IC for your sake, OP. I doubt you could get that as part of a divorce settlement but have no idea. I just think it would be different if you were not in such an unequal position. You're completely dependent and need to do something about that.

Edited November 26, 2014 by merrmeade

[october87]

Confusedwifey81,

 

You have said a couple times in your post that your H and this other girl knew each other before you knew him. You said he wanted to be with her back then and liked her alot but she dropped him for an ex and cut contact. Then shortly after he met and married you...I'm just wondering if you have thought at all that this marriage is a rebound that turned into marriage when maybe it shouldn't have (I mean STDs and cheating right before the wedding are not signs of a man who really thought it all through).

 

Maybe if you go back to the beginning of your relationship and see where it started out unhealthy and led to where things are today. Maybe it would help you understand better because it kind of sounds like he always wanted to be with this other girl but when she gave him no option but to move on he did with you. But when things got rough for you guys and she popped back up sounds like all his feelings for her did as well.

[confusedwifey81]

That is just the kind of stuff 'friends' talk about. NOT!

 

He was actively pursuing her for sex. It makes no difference that she turned him down. His motivations are obvious. Please wake up.

No they are not clear to me. If it was just about sex then I don't think I would mind as much since we were separated at the time but if he liked her more than just for sex that's the problem. Since it is so obvious what are his motives?? To just have sex with this girl or does he really like and want to be with her? Maybe he feels stuck to me.

[Realist3]

No they are not clear to me. If it was just about sex then I don't think I would mind as much since we were separated at the time but if he liked her more than just for sex that's the problem. Since it is so obvious what are his motives?? To just have sex with this girl or does he really like and want to be with her? Maybe he feels stuck to me.

 

It is obvious, you just don't want to accept it. It is called as 'denial'.

 

He knew before you got married, and I am assuming they didn't have sex before you two got married she was still in his thoughts. He liked her. He picked back up the spark some time later with no sex, even though he wanted it, obviously pursued it, and was okay with not treating her "like a whore". He likes her. Men that are just after sex do not wait around and wait around and doing whatever they were doing via text/email. They have an emotional bond and wants it to take to the next step. He has an EA with the woman, and he is/was wanting to take it full blown.

 

Does he want to be with her? Only he can answer that. To me it sounds like he has the emotional bond and just wants to take it further and would be happy with just an affair. She wants to wait until the 'ink is dry'. That single phrase right there should tell you there is an emotional bond between the two. He likes her, and she likes him. It is obvious.

 

You said if it was just for sex that wouldn't be so bad, but if he liked her... There has been no sex, and he has kept on.

 

 

Frankly, I am not convinced that you have access to all of the communication between them. I really don't. There has to be a build up talking about ink drying, and not wanting to be treated like a whore. There really does. Maybe that communication was in person so there is no way to gain access, but my guess is that there is more than one or two channels of communication that are used.

 

 

Just relaying my own experience. Channel 1 is for daily chit chat, nothing said about the relationship. Channel 2 is for discussions about the relationship. Channels 3, 4, and 5 are reserved for an impending problem/emergency. Each going further and further underground.

 

How about you post copies of these interchanges, and let us see how serious they are? No harm in that.