Author confusedwifey81 Posted November 10, 2014 Author Share Posted November 10, 2014 Couple of things here. First, it is obvious he has not been an ideal partner. So you have reasons to not be sure if you are in love with him anymore. And those reasons made YOU make the decision to separate( correct me if IMisunderstood that) . When you separated was the agreement no dating others??? Now he finds some other woman he likes, her age and attractiveness are not relavant. Then YOU decide you want him back. And he is having a hard time going NC with her. Seems like a little double standard here. A lot of tolerance for women having a hard time with so called "fog" for OM but when men feel that way they are scumbags. You husband have you plenty of reasons to not want to be married to him. And you chose to separate. You two need to have some real heart to heart talks and what you see your future as, and then set some boundaries and expectations for each other, which on his part must include transparency and a total committment to you. It looks like you have been lucky and they have not actually started a PA, but she needs to go, but that will probably happen when you to are focused and committed to R: But thats the problem...I think something has happened because she refuses to speak to me at all! When I reach out to her she tells my H. When I ask him why she won't talk to me he tells me to leave her alone. He has cheated in the past and I just find it highly unlikely he didn't try anything with this girl. Link to post Share on other sites
Realist3 Posted November 10, 2014 Share Posted November 10, 2014 Ok maybe he did while we were separated but now he wants to work on our marriage so that means his feelings can't be too deep for her. MM hardly ever leave for the other woman...he's a family man, i can't see him doing that I have no opinion on whether or not he would leave for her, it could go either way. But why would he need to leave if he has her as a side piece? 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Author confusedwifey81 Posted November 10, 2014 Author Share Posted November 10, 2014 "Do that to her...." Now why on Earth would she be concerned that he would do that to her if they weren't getting close? It may not have been the best move on his part, but the fact that she gave that response should make things pretty clear to you about what is going on between them. He is/was trying to have an affair with her. You may not be as good of a snooper as you think. But, even if you are, it doesn't appear that you are understanding what you are reading. I think she meant like if they ever got together in the future, he may do that to her Link to post Share on other sites
Author confusedwifey81 Posted November 10, 2014 Author Share Posted November 10, 2014 I have no opinion on whether or not he would leave for her, it could go either way. But why would he need to leave if he has her as a side piece? He told her he didn't want her to be his side piece and from what I could tell from their convos she was always telling him she didn't want to be with him until the ink was dry...I didn't pay much attention to this...I know MM lie about leaving their wives. But he told her he didn't want her to be his OW and that he needed to distance himself because she was too tempting...and he did do that. They haven't been talking much lately. Link to post Share on other sites
stillafool Posted November 10, 2014 Share Posted November 10, 2014 I don't get it. You broke up with him, moved you and your child out, he met a young beautiful woman he wants to get to know and now you're mad. I think you only want him back because you are jealous of this young woman. Yes he has probably slept with her and if she wants him for more than that you will probably lose. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
stillafool Posted November 10, 2014 Share Posted November 10, 2014 But thats the problem...I think something has happened because she refuses to speak to me at all! When I reach out to her she tells my H. When I ask him why she won't talk to me he tells me to leave her alone. He has cheated in the past and I just find it highly unlikely he didn't try anything with this girl. Yes leave her alone. This is not her problem but yours and your husbands. If you need her to verify your husbands story then it proves you don't trust him and shouldn't get back together. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Author confusedwifey81 Posted November 10, 2014 Author Share Posted November 10, 2014 I don't get it. You broke up with him, moved you and your child out, he met a young beautiful woman he wants to get to know and now you're mad. I think you only want him back because you are jealous of this young woman. Yes he has probably slept with her and if she wants him for more than that you will probably lose. But most MM don't leave for the other woman! And he has been trying to work on things and we might do MC Link to post Share on other sites
mammasita Posted November 10, 2014 Share Posted November 10, 2014 But can't MC help this? He must love me, he married me from a reason. I don't think he is setting her up because he LET HER GO. Wouldn't he be relentless pursuing her if he wanted an affair? He also told her everything as far as working on our marriage and needing to back off from her, so he was honest with her about that. I mean guess he could be waiting for me to calm down but idk...I think he is trying Nope, he doesn't love you one bit. You are convenient and you take his *****. He cheated, he gave you an STD and you continued. Any other woman would have told him to F*CK off and never looked back, but you stayed. You are being walked all over, not loved. Link to post Share on other sites
Author confusedwifey81 Posted November 10, 2014 Author Share Posted November 10, 2014 Yes leave her alone. This is not her problem but yours and your husbands. If you need her to verify your husbands story then it proves you don't trust him and shouldn't get back together. I just think that she would want to confirm it was just a friendship to make things a little easier between us. He told her if she had wanted to she could have responded and said they were just friends but that he 100% understood if she didnt want to talk to me at all and didn't seem mad at her at all for not covering for him... idk Link to post Share on other sites
velvette Posted November 10, 2014 Share Posted November 10, 2014 I just think that she would want to confirm it was just a friendship to make things a little easier between us. He told her if she had wanted to she could have responded and said they were just friends but that he 100% understood if she didnt want to talk to me at all and didn't seem mad at her at all for not covering for him... idk Please stay in reality. The LAST thing in the world any man wants his is girlfriend talking to his wife. No man on the planet would encourage that. 2 Link to post Share on other sites
Author confusedwifey81 Posted November 10, 2014 Author Share Posted November 10, 2014 Please stay in reality. The LAST thing in the world any man wants his is girlfriend talking to his wife. No man on the planet would encourage that. Then why did he tell her she could respond to me if she wanted? Clearly she didn't want to but he wasn't mad she didn't cover his story. He knows it looks suspicious that she won't talk to me espeically if nothing happened but instead he is understanding in why she won't talk to me. It's like he's taking her side or defending her on this Link to post Share on other sites
elaine567 Posted November 10, 2014 Share Posted November 10, 2014 (edited) I just think that she would want to confirm it was just a friendship to make things a little easier between us. He told her if she had wanted to she could have responded and said they were just friends but that he 100% understood if she didnt want to talk to me at all and didn't seem mad at her at all for not covering for him... idk I guess she didn't want to confirm they were just friends because that would have been untrue. If I had a friendship with a MM and his wife was getting a bit upset and worried, sure I would talk to her and put her mind at ease, as the last thing I would want would be to hurt my friend or his wife or their marriage. If I was having an affair with him. the last thing I would want to do is talk to his wife. I would also be telling him everything his wife said to me and be telling him to get her off my case. If the wife started contacting me, it would also be obvious we had been found out, so we would then do everything possible to cover our tracks, if we intended to keep seeing each other. Not all OW want "out in the open" relationships, some only want fun and excitement, a bit of subterfuge adds to that. Snooping on his phone may seem to you that you are tapping into their relationship, but that may be just a set up on their part to put you off the scent. Edited November 10, 2014 by elaine567 quote 1 Link to post Share on other sites
velvette Posted November 10, 2014 Share Posted November 10, 2014 Then why did he tell her she could respond to me if she wanted? Clearly she didn't want to but he wasn't mad she didn't cover his story. He knows it looks suspicious that she won't talk to me espeically if nothing happened but instead he is understanding in why she won't talk to me. It's like he's taking her side or defending her on this Either they have an agreement that she wont talk to you or he knows her well enough in conjunction with her recent actions of not talking to you that he feels confident she wont call his bluff and talk to you. He's not mad at her/defending her because he DOES NOT WANT THE TWO OF YOU TALKING even if to verify his supposed "innocence." 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Author confusedwifey81 Posted November 10, 2014 Author Share Posted November 10, 2014 I guess she didn't want to confirm they were just friends because that would have been untrue. If I had a friendship with a MM and his wife was getting a bit upset and worried, sure I would talk to her and put her mind at ease, as the last thing I would want would be to hurt my friend or his wife or their marriage. If I was having an affair with him. the last thing I would want to do is talk to his wife. I would also be telling him everything his wife said to me and be telling him to get her off my case. If the wife started contacting me, it would also be obvious we had been found out, so we would then do everything possible to cover our tracks, if we intended to keep seeing each other. Not all OW want "out in the open" relationships, some only want fun and excitement, a bit of subterfuge adds to that. Snooping on his phone may seem to you that you are tapping into their relationship, but that may be just a set up on their part to put you off the scent. But he told me about her from the beginning, he never tried to hide her, he told me her name and everything. It was weird like he was so happy to be friends with her he didn't care if I knew. I mean most men wouldn't willing hand over a NAME for me to go look up. But I don't think he is being truthful in the fact that they are just friends...and some of their convos sounded like he wasn't interested in reconciling with me back when we were still separated. He never bad mouthed me, told her I was a good wife but that was it, I didn't exist really. He would tell her times that me and him had talked (and I know this was true because what they discussed she couldnt have possible known), he would tell her about times I stopped by the house. One time she asked him if he was busy because he hadn't responded to her text and he honestly told her that at the time he and I were talking (about our relationship). I don't get why he was so open and honest with her about us...he told her i never got over the cheating and wanted more kids... Link to post Share on other sites
Author confusedwifey81 Posted November 10, 2014 Author Share Posted November 10, 2014 he also told her that if she had just confirmed that they were friends then it would have been easier for them to continue being friends after me getting upset. But like I said he wasn't mad at her. Link to post Share on other sites
velvette Posted November 10, 2014 Share Posted November 10, 2014 But he told me about her from the beginning, he never tried to hide her, he told me her name and everything. It was weird like he was so happy to be friends with her he didn't care if I knew. I mean most men wouldn't willing hand over a NAME for me to go look up. But I don't think he is being truthful in the fact that they are just friends...and some of their convos sounded like he wasn't interested in reconciling with me back when we were still separated. He never bad mouthed me, told her I was a good wife but that was it, I didn't exist really. He would tell her times that me and him had talked (and I know this was true because what they discussed she couldnt have possible known), he would tell her about times I stopped by the house. One time she asked him if he was busy because he hadn't responded to her text and he honestly told her that at the time he and I were talking (about our relationship). I don't get why he was so open and honest with her about us...he told her i never got over the cheating and wanted more kids... It seems weird, but that is actually one of the signs someone is having an A.....when they talk about "their friend" all the time. It can also be a way to bring up the name and see if you react at all so they are trying to guage whether or not you are onto their cheating. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Author confusedwifey81 Posted November 10, 2014 Author Share Posted November 10, 2014 He also would tell her alot how sad he was that his family was breaking apart, and that he was down because everything and sad about his stepdaughter BUT he didn't show any of that saddness to me. Once when I texted him to tell him I was sad, I asked him how he was doing and said he was doing ok and that made me mad! Why can he tell her but not me?? Link to post Share on other sites
Tinroof53 Posted November 10, 2014 Share Posted November 10, 2014 That's his way of connecting more with her in an emotional level. 3 Link to post Share on other sites
Author confusedwifey81 Posted November 10, 2014 Author Share Posted November 10, 2014 I also remember that she told him that all she could be right now was his friend, she is going back to school again, works full time and has a child of her own. I wonder if he agreed to work on our marriage because she basically told him she wasn't going to be available for anything more than friends at the moment... Link to post Share on other sites
elaine567 Posted November 10, 2014 Share Posted November 10, 2014 I was never fully over the cheating and depressed that he refused to have more kids with me. I told him I wanted to stop my birth control and he told me he would get a vasectomy! Anyway this issues lead us to where we are now… I decided to separate from my H (I told him I loved him but was not IN love with him) and moved myself and daughter in with a family member. Trouble is here, that whether or not your husband slept with this girl, when you were on a break, the other issues have not gone away. He still cheated just before you got married, he still doesn't want more kids, and there is still the issue of ILYBIANILWY. You have to ask yourself do you truly want this man, knowing there will never any more kids and knowing there is a risk of him cheating again, (remember how depressed you were) and knowing you are not "in love" with him. I know you want to "win" in this fight with this "perfect" woman, but is the prize really what you want? 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Author confusedwifey81 Posted November 10, 2014 Author Share Posted November 10, 2014 Trouble is here, that whether or not your husband slept with this girl, when you were on a break, the other issues have not gone away. He still cheated just before you got married, he still doesn't want more kids, and there is still the issue of ILYBIANILWY. You have to ask yourself do you truly want this man, knowing there will never any more kids and knowing there is a risk of him cheating again, (remember how depressed you were) and knowing you are not "in love" with him. I know you want to "win" in this fight with this "perfect" woman, but is the prize really what you want?[/QUOTE] I have kinda already accepted the no more kids thing. I have gotten an IUD placed and it won't be removed until i am in my late thirties...I do love him, my daughter loves him very much, he is a great dad...I am just worried it is more than friends with her, like he could potential leave me for her even though I hear this rarely happens but he is so open and honest with her it seems, like he wants her to see him as a good guy, like he can start over fresh with her. In one of their messages he is mentioning marriage (but I know it is just talk) and she immediatly gets cold towards that idea. She also said she wasn't sure about and didn't like committments and he told her to not tell him that, that he's worried she wouldn't commit to him... If he just wants an affair I don't see how any of that matters Link to post Share on other sites
Tinroof53 Posted November 10, 2014 Share Posted November 10, 2014 He is still paying attention to her. He's not doing EVERYTHING in his power to give your marriage at least 100% of his time and energy. It looks like he's still totally focused on HER. You have a decision to make. Either settle for a man that's not really interested in repairing your marriage and know that the M will still seem broken Or Divorce him knowing that the marriage isn't based on honor and trust. Make a decision. Take steps that show action toward that decision. What's it going to be? 2 Link to post Share on other sites
Author confusedwifey81 Posted November 10, 2014 Author Share Posted November 10, 2014 He is still paying attention to her. He's not doing EVERYTHING in his power to give your marriage at least 100% of his time and energy. It looks like he's still totally focused on HER. You have a decision to make. Either settle for a man that's not really interested in repairing your marriage and know that the M will still seem broken Or Divorce him knowing that the marriage isn't based on honor and trust. Make a decision. Take steps that show action toward that decision. What's it going to be? He hasn't contacted her in almost two weeks...he has not reached out once to her so i don't think he is still focusing on her NOW. Can MC help this sitaution? Link to post Share on other sites
elaine567 Posted November 10, 2014 Share Posted November 10, 2014 In one of their messages he is mentioning marriage (but I know it is just talk) and she immediatly gets cold towards that idea. She also said she wasn't sure about and didn't like committments and he told her to not tell him that, that he's worried she wouldn't commit to him... If he just wants an affair I don't see how any of that matters He met her when your marriage was over, after you had moved out, so this is not the usual MM looking for an OW. He did not meet her looking for an affair, and she was not looking to be a mistress. He met her looking for a partner, after you moved out and told him you were not "in love" with him. They thus met more or less on equal boyfriend/girlfriend terms, looking for a relationship. His questions and her answers are thus more revealing if viewed in that context. 3 Link to post Share on other sites
Author confusedwifey81 Posted November 10, 2014 Author Share Posted November 10, 2014 She is the least of your problems. Your biggest concern should be your serial cheating husband. Sounds like you married him knowing full well who he was (cheater and not interested in more kids) but you figured you could change him into a different man. He will not change for you, you cannot make him somebody he is not. As for why the OW doesn't speak to you. Well your husband probably told her not to and he has probably told her that you are a little loony. Your repeated friend requests, emails, and fake emails pretending to be him likely confirmed for her that you are unstable. Not saying you are but if he planted that idea in her head and then you sent her all these emails and requests it probably looks like you are unstable to her. It doesn't matter why she won't speak to you because she is not the problem. Your husband has already cheated on you numerous times. Why do you need more info from the OW. You already know your husband is a cheater, she doesn't have to confirm that for you. Probably you should divorce your husband, heal and then move on, but don't ever think you can change a man, it never works. I have moved my thread to the Infidelty forum and have updated and added...will you please go view that and give me more of your opinon?? Thank you so much! Link to post Share on other sites
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