My husband's female friend (Updated)

[confusedwifey81]

Guys say all sorts of things to women they are in a relationship with. Odds are he doesn't mean it, because really what does that exactly mean? The heart has no corners, part of his heart can't belong to her in any meaningful way, and there's no name on it.

 

I'd bet its just a line. Women fall for it, especially girls sixteen or so, and women over 40.

It maybe just a line but he said some heart felt stuff that has really upset me. Telling her she was so special to him, telling her she is the most beautiful woman to him, demanding to know why she cut him off back then because if she hadn't they could have be very happy today and blah blah blah...If men just say this then it's alot to say and to not mean any of it...

[Mal78]

During my husband's friendship with this girl, he told her "a corner of his heart will always belong to her, that it has her name on it". I know he liked her a lot even before we met and got married. Why would he say this to her?? Does he mean it??

 

Isn't it funny how we women could get so wrapped up in a few words because we couldn't imagine our SO saying these things

To another women.

 

I'm imagining you found this information by snooping aka "looking for it". Was this the only thing he said to her? How did she respond? Who do you sense is trying to initiate the emotional affair? Do you see it as a mutual exchange?

 

I always look at sweet sentiments you say to a friend would be similar to something you say to a sibling (especially in men/women friendships). I think if my brother said what your husband said to his "friend" it would border strange/creepy.

 

They are not friends. And with those type sentiments they never can be.... However it could graduate to lovers. Keep your eyes wide open.

[confusedwifey81]

Isn't it funny how we women could get so wrapped up in a few words because we couldn't imagine our SO saying these things

To another women.

 

I'm imagining you found this information by snooping aka "looking for it". Was this the only thing he said to her? How did she respond? Who do you sense is trying to initiate the emotional affair? Do you see it as a mutual exchange?

 

I always look at sweet sentiments you say to a friend would be similar to something you say to a sibling (especially in men/women friendships). I think if my brother said what your husband said to his "friend" it would border strange/creepy.

 

They are not friends. And with those type sentiments they never can be.... However it could graduate to lovers. Keep your eyes wide open.

No he told her alot of things, such as " Telling her she was so special to him, telling her she is the most beautiful woman to him, demanding to know why she cut him off back then because if she hadn't they could have be very happy today and blah blah blah".

 

She seemed very flattered in response but leery of him...he got mad at her because she didn't think he meant it and told her he always means what he says.

 

I see the exchange between them as mutual but he seems more into her than she is into him but that is their pattern i guess, before we got together and married he was into her and she dropped him for an ex.

 

She also threw his marriage in his face alot as a reason to not get close like HE wanted...

[elaine567]

Mal78

Thing is if I remember correctly, he also said he would never make "the friend" his OW.

They met up, when he was on a break and confusedwifey had left the marital home at that point.

[elaine567]

No he told her alot of things, such as " Telling her she was so special to him, telling her she is the most beautiful woman to him, demanding to know why she cut him off back then because if she hadn't they could have be very happy today and blah blah blah".

 

She seemed very flattered in response but leery of him...he got mad at her because she didn't think he meant it and told her he always means what he says.

 

I see the exchange between them as mutual but he seems more into her than she is into him but that is their pattern i guess, before we got together and married he was into her and she dropped him for an ex.

 

She also threw his marriage in his face alot as a reason to not get close like HE wanted...

 

Why are you upset WITH HER?

He is YOUR partner and he is professing what sounds like love to another woman...

[confusedwifey81]

During our separation he was the one initiating and she was the one leery of him. He would text literally ALL day, from like 7:00am to 11pm every night, constantly texting her, over s hundred text a day it seemed like. Always begging to see her and take her out (which she declined buit he still came back like a kicked puppy). Now that everything has come to a head and I am back home, considering MC, things have calmed down. I know he has not been cotacting her except for a couple weeks ago when she said hi to him on FB. I know he could be waiting for everything to calm down but I will try MC before I am done for good.

[confusedwifey81]

Why are you upset WITH HER?

He is YOUR partner and he is professing what sounds like love to another woman...

I'm not upset with her, of course I don't like a woman my H may have an attraction to. I just feel like if they had stayed away from each other, things could be easier to work out. The other times he cheated were more like one night stands but with her it just seems different and I don't like it. Idk if it's because she's a blast from the past and he never resolved his intense feelings for her back then? We will be addressing this in MC.

[CarrieT]

except for a couple weeks ago when she said hi to him on FB.

This means that when/if he ever feels in a safe place again, he WILL re-initiate contact again.

 

Why don't you see that????

[confusedwifey81]

This means that when/if he ever feels in a safe place again, he WILL re-initiate contact again.

 

Why don't you see that????

I do see that as a possiblilty that is why I am still on the lookout. If MC can't help our relationship then I am done.

 

I just couldn't tell if he was done talking with her forever or if he is just waiting to see what will happen with us? He hasn't been intitating any type of contact with her for at least a month until she reached out saying hi...which is rude to our marriage if she knows we are trying to work it out...

 

Also they haven't seen each other in 2 months or been talking that much...surely the feelings will start to die out. MC is the last chance.

[Man Mountain Makino]

It maybe just a line but he said some heart felt stuff that has really upset me. Telling her she was so special to him, telling her she is the most beautiful woman to him, demanding to know why she cut him off back then because if she hadn't they could have be very happy today and blah blah blah...If men just say this then it's alot to say and to not mean any of it...

This is stuff that men say to women in order to maneuver them into bed. He likely doesn't mean it. Men will say anything to get sex from a woman.

[confusedwifey81]

This is stuff that men say to women in order to maneuver them into bed. He likely doesn't mean it. Men will say anything to get sex from a woman.

They never had sex. So a man will continue saying this stuff over and over with the hopes of just having sex? idk, there is history between them...

[Man Mountain Makino]

They never had sex. So a man will continue saying this stuff over and over with the hopes of just having sex? idk, there is history between them...

That's the idea. I don't want to minimize this, but just pointing out it's a thing people say to each other that doesn't really ring true in most cases.

[elaine567]

That's the idea. I don't want to minimize this, but just pointing out it's a thing people say to each other that doesn't really ring true in most cases.

 

He may have said it in an attempt to persuade her into bed or he may be feeling like a lovelorn puppy and meant every word, we cannot read his mind, but suffice to say, he said this to someone who was not his wife, and his wife now knows and is stressing over it.

It is not particularly good for her to hear, whatever spin you want to put on it.

[confusedwifey81]

That's the idea. I don't want to minimize this, but just pointing out it's a thing people say to each other that doesn't really ring true in most cases.

Are married men really this sex-starved that everything is about sex? I just don't believe in all cases these men are just saying this stuff just be saying it. It's too much! It's the same thing he once told me all the time and what I fell for...so was that just about sex?

 

The fact that she never slept with him and he kept saying these things bothered me. It's like why keep humilating yourself for someone is who not exactly responding in kind. It makes me feel embarassed how he begged for just a moment of her attentions repeatdley. Most times when he begged to see her she would turn him down but he would continue to beg her again. It seems like she had the upper hand on him the whole time until he snapped out of it. In one messages he told her he would beg her to come see her on 30 min lunch break and she told him go ahead and beg and he did! And she still didn't see him! I get men love sex but is it worth all that??

 

He also told her alot of initimate things about himself that I am also embarassed that he was so open to tell her these things...

Edited November 25, 2014 by confusedwifey81

[Mr. Lucky]

They never had sex.

I hope your source on this is something other than him telling you so...

 

Mr. Lucky

[BeholdtheMan]

The fact that she never slept with him

 

Uh...how do you know that?

[merrmeade]

On Nov. 17, you said this:

I am thinking about divorce. He is more educated than I and make more money, so could I apply for spousal support? What about the house? It is his but he put my name on it as well when we married, also can I get support from him for my child (not his biologically)? Also how much will it go in my favor if I file for divorce based on infidelity?

Now, you seem stuck, obsessing about little things he said or did, digging deeper every day, finding out things he's not telling you. As self-destructive as it is, I realize that you're proabably getting knowledge about what he's really done the only way you can because he's certainly not giving it up. All that I can understand.

 

But then you drop this bomb in the middle of a longish post:

The other times he cheated were more like one night stands but with her it just seems different and I don't like it.

Wha-a-a-a-at? He' cheated before? How many "other times"? And you dismiss them because they were "more like one night stands"? Some people never get over just ONE such event.

 

I think you've subsumed your Self so completely with hanging onto him at all costs that you don't see that you can never have a fulfilling, equal, give-and-take relationship with him this way. And if you did rise up to a place where you valued your right to respect and unconditional love, you would know that he's worthless as long as he devalues you in these ways. I'm not being critical because I see myself in your situation in some ways.

 

I think it was over a long time ago and wish for your sake that you could love yourself as much as you think you need this marriage. If you could possibly get into IC (he can pay for it after the divorce), get help figuring out a way to better yourself - maybe even get a college degree or pursue some other goal that you want - you would be so happy to be rid of him.

Edited November 26, 2014 by merrmeade

[eye of the storm]

I am thinking about divorce. He is more educated than I and make more money, so could I apply for spousal support? What about the house? It is his but he put my name on it as well when we married, also can I get support from him for my child (not his biologically)? Also how much will it go in my favor if I file for divorce based on infidelity?

 

This, this is my favorite thru the whole thread. She knowingly married a cheater. They have only been married 3 years. Her kid is not his kid. And she wants to take him to the cleaners. She wants spousal support, child support for a kid that isn't his, half his house that he had before her, and what ever else she can scrabble out of him.

 

Women like that make my skin crawl.

[Mal78]

Hello all…I am new here and could really use some adviceA little back story, my husband and I have been married for 3 years, we dated for almost one year before. I have had some issues with my hubby but I still love him. While we were dating, my H cheated on me and gave me chlamydia. I decided to forgive him and continue seeing him. We got engaged kinda of quick but I was in love. Right before our wedding, my H confessed to cheating on me just about 2 weeks from our wedding date! I was so hurt but I decided he made a mistake and I still wanted to be married and didn’t want to call off the wedding so I got married anyway. When H and I got together he told me he did not want anymore kids, which I went along with thinking I could change his mind after we were married. But he was adamant in NOT wanting anymore kids! My husband has a good job but I just have a job as a cashier for very minimal wage (I have no education or skills). He said that people treat kids like puppies or something just to have (he has a pre-teen daughter from a previous relationship). He said he makes enough money to take care of me, my daughter (from a previous relationship) , and his daughter, so enough to support us as is. I was never fully over the cheating and depressed that he refused to have more kids with me. I told him I wanted to stop my birth control and he told me he would get a vasectomy! I also believe he has cheated on me a couple more times since being married but can't prove it. Anyway this issues lead us to where we are now

 

I decided to separate from my H (I told him I loved him but was not IN love with him) and moved myself and daughter in with a family member. My daughter is very upset about all the changes with having to move, a new school and misses her step dad very much. After I leave, I snoop on my husband’s phone and see he has been commenting and liking a specific girl’s facebook page. I have never heard of this girl before. I decided to make a fake facebook page and snoop on her. I was upset to find out that this girl is beautiful! I mean she is model pretty and very young looking. My H and I are in our 30’s and this girl looks early 20’s, so quite bit younger than me. She never accepted my friend request so I made another fake page but she declined that request as well. During this whole time, my H is talking to me less and less…like he’s distracted or something and not focusing on me or this marriage even though I left! I called H to tell him that me and my daughter are very sad about situation…I ask him how he is feeling and says that he feels ok! That made me mad! How are you ok while I’m depressed over leaving!

 

So I ask him if has been seeing or dating anyone and he actually tells me that he has been spending time with his friend and tells me her name! Lo and behold it’s the girl from facebook that I already felt funny about! He just confirms it just like that! He tells me they are NOT dating and are just friends…he can talk to her about the situation with me and blah blah. What really made me mad is he did not even attempt to hide her! He seemed happy when speaking on their friendship, he didn’t try to hide her or anything. I don’t believe he didn’t TRY to date her (she might have turned him down) because this girl is pretty, young and already has her BSN all in her 20’s. I feel like I could never compete with her on any level.

 

So fast forward, I decide I want my H back and don’t want to risk this “friendship” with the other girl to grow anymore. I know he has been sad since my daughter and his daughter wanted to be back together as a family that he decided to give it another try, though I can tell he isn’t the happiest about it...I tell him that I need to know everything that went on between him and this “friend”. He tells me nothing and that he already told me about her (which he ALWAYS mentions her by name, not “she” or “her”), he seemed very frustrated by me asking about her. I tell him I want to sit down and have a talk with her and quickly said “ NO. This is between us, leave her out of it”.This kinda made me mad, like he was defending her from me. I tell him cut all contact with her, she makes me uncomfortable. He says he will.

 

BUT I am still not convinced they were just “friends” so I send her some messages on facebook, telling her who I am and everything I want to know. She didn’t respond so a couple days later I messaged her again and sent her some more friend requests. I also sent a fake email that looked like t was from H to get her talking but no response. BUT what she did do was tell my H everything I was doing to her! He told me to stop and leave her alone. I am mad, I feel like he should make her talk to me, to prove to me he was faithful. So the next weekend I send another friend request, I have already told her who am I and I thought she would be woman enough to talk to me about my H. Nope, she tells on me to him again! My H confronted me again and could tell he was getting tired of me reaching out to her. He tells me to STOP and I ask him why won’t she speak to me? If it was nothing but friends why won’t she talk to me? He told me that she does not want to be a part of our bullsh** and he doesn’t blame her. He told me to leave her alone.

 

So I snooped in his phone again. He has NOT ended contact with her! He was honest and told her he was working on his marriage but that he still liked her a lot and was very attracted to her, she was his biggest temptation. He told her that he couldn’t spend time with her one on one anymore because she was swaying his decision to stay married. He said it wasn’t anything she was doing to sway his marriage (I guess she encouraged him to work it out with me), it was just her period, that he wanted her. He told her he was trying to keep her away from the drama that is ME. He told her he would never make her his OW and that’s why he needed to step back and try again on our marriage, so he can say that he tried, especially for the kids. He told her he had no idea if it would even work with me again. He told her she can still call him whenever she wants, if she ever needs anything to call him and basically that he still wanted to be friends even though I asked him NOT to!

 

Then I saw the times she told him that I contacted her and he apologized over and over and over to her about me contacting her. That he was just trying to be honest and he should have kept his mouth shut and her name out of it. He told her he was trying to keep her away from the drama. He also told her that he over everything and it about to say F*** it. He told her he may try MC with me, but he didn’t sound happy and basically told her that he still has no idea what he is going to do even though he told me and her that he would agree to trying again. I am so lost and confused! What is going on here??? Is she really just a friend?? Why is he so defensive about her and kinda protecting her from me???? Why won’t she talk to me?? What should I do??? I have not moved back home yet

 

Unfortunately with the fake and real friend request you confirmed to her what he probably has told her... "she is crazy".

 

Now your H has validation from another women, a women he trusts, confides in, had developed a friendship with and probably *really* likes that his wife, like he has been saying is "cray cray"

 

Scorned women hath no fury however in your case you might have really paved a path for your H.

[confusedwifey81]

I hope your source on this is something other than him telling you so...

 

Mr. Lucky

I have read alot of messages between them. She was always telling him she does not want to openly date or have sex with him until "the ink is dry"...those were her words. She told him she wouldn't let him treat her like a whore and he promised her he would never do that.

 

She would tell him what she would do with him IF he was single but that she wouldn't do it while he was married. He asked her if she would wait for him and she told him she didn't know.

[confusedwifey81]

Uh...how do you know that?

I read messages between them where she confirmed she would not sleep with him until the ink was dry. he asked her if she would wait for him and she said she didn't know.

[confusedwifey81]

On Nov. 17, you said this: Now, you seem stuck, obsessing about little things he said or did, digging deeper every day, finding out things he's not telling you. As self-destructive as it is, I realize that you're proabably getting knowledge about what he's really done the only way you can because he's certainly not giving it up. All that I can understand.

 

But then you drop this bomb in the middle of a longish post:Wha-a-a-a-at? He' cheated before? How many "other times"? And you dismiss them because they were "more like one night stands"? Some people never get over just ONE such event.

 

I think you've subsumed your Self so completely with hanging onto him at all costs that you don't see that you can never have a fulfilling, equal, give-and-take relationship with him this way. And if you did rise up to a place where you valued your right to respect and unconditional love, you would know that he's worthless as long as he devalues you in these ways. I'm not being critical because I see myself in your situation in some ways.

 

I think it was over a long time ago and wish for your sake that you could love yourself as much as you think you need this marriage. If you could possibly get into IC (he can pay for it after the divorce), get help figuring out a way to better yourself - maybe even get a college degree or pursue some other goal that you want - you would be so happy to be rid of him.

Yes he cheated while we were dating (is that technically cheating?) and right before our wedding. I think he may have cheated during our married years as well but I don't have any proof. The only reason I know so much about this girl was because he blabbed her name to me like an idiot. Thank you for your advice. What did you mean by he can pay for IC after the divorce?

[confusedwifey81]

This, this is my favorite thru the whole thread. She knowingly married a cheater. They have only been married 3 years. Her kid is not his kid. And she wants to take him to the cleaners. She wants spousal support, child support for a kid that isn't his, half his house that he had before her, and what ever else she can scrabble out of him.

 

Women like that make my skin crawl.

It's not like he's rich so how I am trying to take him for all he's got? All he's got is his house really. I just want to know what my options are to protect myself and my child which he loves like she was his own so I don't see why he wouldn't still care for her even if we split up. All that doesn't take away from the fact he cheated on me and hurt me.

[confusedwifey81]

Unfortunately with the fake and real friend request you confirmed to her what he probably has told her... "she is crazy".

 

Now your H has validation from another women, a women he trusts, confides in, had developed a friendship with and probably *really* likes that his wife, like he has been saying is "cray cray"

 

Scorned women hath no fury however in your case you might have really paved a path for your H.

From the messages I have seen he never told her I was "crazy". He told her I was a good wife, non confrontional, that I hold things in. He told her that i wanted more kids and that I thought I could change his minds on this and that I never really got over the cheating.

 

That's all he really said about me. he never said anything bad but he never talked about me like I was love of his life either. He told her his love for me had changed. he didn't start telling her he was trying to keep her away from the drama until I started messaging and friend requesting her.

 

At least he never threw me under the bus to this woman, telling her how horrible I was like some stories I have seen...

[eye of the storm]

What did you mean by he can pay for IC after the divorce?

 

Still looking for a paycheck.

 

Look, you were only married 3 years. I don't think he owes you anything but an apology for being an A-Hole and cheating on you and giving you STDs.

 

And I am sure he does care for your daughter. But her financial responsibility belongs to you and to her father. Not him. If you want child support, go after her father.

 

He should probably also pay for the divorce. But IMHO that is about it.

 

Just because you marry someone (esp for that short a time period) does not mean you have to turn into an ATM. Men routinely get screwed with this mindset.

 

It would be totally different if you supported him thru thick and thin for many years or kept his house while he climbed the corporate ladder, but you didn't. You were married for 3 years and you even left him during part of it because you didn't love him.

 

Why do you think you deserve all this money?