The Ups and Downs

[81West]

Hi again friends. Had a rough night last night and just need to share/vent.

 

I am preparing to list my house for sale and move into a townhouse a few miles away. This move is likely to take place in about two months, but I have lots of stuff that needs to be sorted out (and gotten rid of) before it happens.

 

So last night (trash night in my neighborhood), I went through about a half dozen boxes of stuff that had been sitting in my basement. A lot of it was old stuff my wife left behind when she moved out that she clearly no longer wanted. I looked through it and bagged 95 percent of it up and left it at the curb.

 

It was good to purge myself of this stuff, but at the same time it broke my heart a bit. As I pieced through the stuff, I found old clothes that I remembered her wearing, I found old notes she'd written to me (and I to her), I found old toys from when our daughter (now 13) was a toddler. It was tough to take. I nearly broke down a few times, but I got through it all.

 

I realized through all of this that I am still in love with my wife - not who she is now, but who she used to be. Tossing all that stuff aside felt like throwing a part of my life away.

 

I'm sorry for that tough process KB.

 

My situation is not the ending of a marriage but I am surely still in love. At times that just crushes me and at other times it steels me to keep my head up and facing forward, because love and belief in someone should not be such a hollow and painful feeling. Everybody deserves more for their trust and vulnerability than this. Hang in there.

[Mr. Lucky]

Tossing all that stuff aside felt like throwing a part of my life away.

 

I'd gently suggest the purge is a necessary step in moving forward. You can't become something new until you stop being what you were.

 

Have a good friend that, after a life-long struggle with his weight, has lost 75+ pounds through bariatric surgery. We threw him a party and burned a scarecrow dressed in his old "fat clothes" to celebrate the new him. All his idea and all in good fun.

 

Not saying you should burn your STBX in effigy (BTW, you can get the scarecrow at any craft store ). But the symbolism of certain acts can definitely have deeper meaning...

 

Mr. Lucky

[darkbloom]

I received a voodoo doll for Christmas. I tried to use it but I don't think it worked. Perhaps because I couldn't muster up the anger to wish harm upon him when I'm still in love with him.

 

I want an off button for my feeligs. Just for a few moments of peace.

[KBarletta]

I'd gently suggest the purge is a necessary step in moving forward. You can't become something new until you stop being what you were.

 

Have a good friend that, after a life-long struggle with his weight, has lost 75+ pounds through bariatric surgery. We threw him a party and burned a scarecrow dressed in his old "fat clothes" to celebrate the new him. All his idea and all in good fun.

 

Not saying you should burn your STBX in effigy (BTW, you can get the scarecrow at any craft store ). But the symbolism of certain acts can definitely have deeper meaning...

 

Mr. Lucky

 

Very true, Mr. L. I anticipate having a big, blowout style party when the house is sold, inviting all of the friends who have stuck by my side through this, and really blowing the roof off the place (not literally) before leaving.

 

Also - an aside - I found in my "purging" last night a box of old-time Hollywood memorabilia left to me years ago by a great aunt. Checked up on eBay today and found the stuff is worth about $7,000. A SILVER LINING!

[chew123]

KB,

 

I am slowly getting the house ready for sale also. After being together so long nothing is really mine(except clothes), everything is ours. We need to go through this process together I think. Have been dragging my heels on really getting started hoping she takes care of something for once since I pretty much took care of the divorce. And to be honest, in the interest of a fresh start I would just as soon leave all the material stuff behind. Was never really into possessions so not much of value there.

 

I think the house will be my last big hurdle and maybe yours also. Congrats on getting the jump on me. lol

 

chew

[KBarletta]

I received a voodoo doll for Christmas. I tried to use it but I don't think it worked. Perhaps because I couldn't muster up the anger to wish harm upon him when I'm still in love with him.

 

I want an off button for my feelings. Just for a few moments of peace.

 

 

DB, what a great thing such an "off button" would be! I want so badly not to care anymore, but I'm not there yet. I think the new surroundings of a new home (and all the work that will go into making it my own) will be good for me in that respect. And giving my daughter a space of her own there will be a good thing for both of us.

 

Incidentally, as another aside, my wedding anniversary is coming up next weekend. I will be going out of town for a few days with some friends, but it's still going to be a tough day. My wife and I always took a long weekend alone that weekend. But not this year.

[darkbloom]

DB, what a great thing such an "off button" would be! I want so badly not to care anymore, but I'm not there yet. I think the new surroundings of a new home (and all the work that will go into making it my own) will be good for me in that respect. And giving my daughter a space of her own there will be a good thing for both of us.

 

Incidentally, as another aside, my wedding anniversary is coming up next weekend. I will be going out of town for a few days with some friends, but it's still going to be a tough day. My wife and I always took a long weekend alone that weekend. But not this year.

 

 

I think a new home will make you feel much better about your surroundings.

 

Your wedding anniversary coincides with my anniversary. I think we are going to be a wreck next week. I will be working trying to help other women that day but I will be probably feel like dying. This last week has been hellish for me. I really want the off button for my feelings, even if I could only use if for an hour or so a day of complete relief from him.

 

I want my heart to follow my head. My head is so tired of this missing him game. My heart is ready for round 3.

[Esraem]

I feel for the both of you. Anniversaries are going to be rough. In the State of Indiana there is a 60 day mandatory stay until anything can be official. Since she filed on Apr 15th it would be June 15th. Our 10 year wedding anniversary is June 18th and her 30th birthday is June 30th. Ugh.

[KBarletta]

Hello again all.

 

I have a dilemma and could use some advice. Quick back story: When my wife left, among the many unmet "goals" she expressed in listing her reasons was a desire for our daughter to attend a different school, a desire to live in a different city, and even to live abroad (she has family in Europe). Much like my wife was at her age, our daughter is an introvert who has a hard time making friends. That said, she has always seemed to enjoy school and I have never gotten an indication that she's bullied or picked on, just quiet and not part of the "in crowd." She has two or three close friends and that's it. My wife sees a lot of herself in our daughter and has always wanted to give her a life different than the one she had. She seems to think a new school would be good for her. I don't necessarily agree. The school where we live (where I live) is one of the better schools in our region and has a good reputation.

 

Our daughter is not mine biologically and I did not adopt her, so I don't have the option to fight for full custody. My only option is a co-parenting agreement that gives me a few days a week with her. She will live with her mother most of the time.

 

Now for the dilemma: Our daughter is going into high school this fall. For the past nine years (K through grade 8) she has attended the same school in our neighborhood. When my wife left, she moved with daughter into a different school district (still nearby, but far enough that it's a different school district), but continued to use the marital home (where I still live) as our daughter's home address for school purposes so she wouldn't have to change schools mid-year.

 

My plan (which I've already communicated to my wife) is to sell the home as quickly as I can and move into a townhouse in a nearby neighborhood (which is in yet another school district).

 

This past weekend, as I was having lunch with my daughter, she talked with excitement about the classes she's planning to take next year in school, and it was very clear that my wife had not told her that she would be switching schools. I did not have the heart to tell her, and because I don't know what my wife's plans are for post-divorce, I didn't know what to tell my daughter about where she would be going to school. I only know that it won't be the same school she is in now (unless my wife plans to move back into the district, which, again, is something she and not I would have to decide).

 

Should I tell my daughter that she will be going to a different school in the fall, without knowing the details, or should I tell my wife that she needs to have this conversation with her asap since it is her decision as to where she will be living and ultimately where our daughter will attend school? I know that this is going to upset our daughter, and I don't want to be the one to upset her when it was never up to me to make this decision in the first place.

 

How would you address this situation?

[darkbloom]

Hello again all.

 

I have a dilemma and could use some advice. Quick back story: When my wife left, among the many unmet "goals" she expressed in listing her reasons was a desire for our daughter to attend a different school, a desire to live in a different city, and even to live abroad (she has family in Europe). Much like my wife was at her age, our daughter is an introvert who has a hard time making friends. That said, she has always seemed to enjoy school and I have never gotten an indication that she's bullied or picked on, just quiet and not part of the "in crowd." She has two or three close friends and that's it. My wife sees a lot of herself in our daughter and has always wanted to give her a life different than the one she had. She seems to think a new school would be good for her. I don't necessarily agree. The school where we live (where I live) is one of the better schools in our region and has a good reputation.

 

Our daughter is not mine biologically and I did not adopt her, so I don't have the option to fight for full custody. My only option is a co-parenting agreement that gives me a few days a week with her. She will live with her mother most of the time.

 

Now for the dilemma: Our daughter is going into high school this fall. For the past nine years (K through grade 8) she has attended the same school in our neighborhood. When my wife left, she moved with daughter into a different school district (still nearby, but far enough that it's a different school district), but continued to use the marital home (where I still live) as our daughter's home address for school purposes so she wouldn't have to change schools mid-year.

 

My plan (which I've already communicated to my wife) is to sell the home as quickly as I can and move into a townhouse in a nearby neighborhood (which is in yet another school district).

 

This past weekend, as I was having lunch with my daughter, she talked with excitement about the classes she's planning to take next year in school, and it was very clear that my wife had not told her that she would be switching schools. I did not have the heart to tell her, and because I don't know what my wife's plans are for post-divorce, I didn't know what to tell my daughter about where she would be going to school. I only know that it won't be the same school she is in now (unless my wife plans to move back into the district, which, again, is something she and not I would have to decide).

 

Should I tell my daughter that she will be going to a different school in the fall, without knowing the details, or should I tell my wife that she needs to have this conversation with her asap since it is her decision as to where she will be living and ultimately where our daughter will attend school? I know that this is going to upset our daughter, and I don't want to be the one to upset her when it was never up to me to make this decision in the first place.

 

How would you address this situation?

 

I think your wife has shown a real lack of taking initiative when it comes to making decisions. Being a child of divorced parents, I can only give my perspective from how I felt. Even though she's not biologicaly yours, in my opinion, she is still yours. I also think she's old enough that she should be included and have a say in the conversation. I would personally let your daughter know the facts of what's going on and let her feel as though the decision is not being made for her. I don't know if your wife will go for that, but her priority should be her daughter and making the best decisions for her.

 

My parents getting divorced was very devastating for me. Even though I knew that it was the best thing for them. They were miserable together. I did not enjoy any part of the divorce or the decisions my parents made regarding me during the divorce. I was 15 when they split and 16 when the divorce was finalized.

[chew123]

KB,

 

If it were me, I would try and get the details from the ex on what the plan is before sharing with your daughter. Then I would tell her that she needs to share them with daughter or you will. If she is as introverted as you say, the school switch may be tough on her.

 

And if your ex has no details tell her to figure it out by a certain date or you will be giving daughter a heads up on the possible change. I would hate to see her blindsided as the next term gets closer and closer.

 

I feel for you, its tough having a younger child in this situation especially when you have very little legal say as you do. But we can only play the hand we are dealt.

 

Good luck with this one.

[KBarletta]

Thanks all for the input.

 

I don't know why, but I am feeling a tremendous amount of guilt about this situation. Partly for not telling my daughter the truth when I had the chance, and partly just for putting her in this position where she will need to change schools.

 

Ultimately it is my decision to sell our home (which I can't afford on one income) and move into a different neighborhood (to escape the memories all around me in this one). That IS my decision, and that it is potentially going to have a negative effect on our daughter fills me with guilt, even though my wife is the one who initiated this entire situation by leaving unexpectedly.

[KBarletta]

I think your wife has shown a real lack of taking initiative when it comes to making decisions. Being a child of divorced parents, I can only give my perspective from how I felt. Even though she's not biologicaly yours, in my opinion, she is still yours. I also think she's old enough that she should be included and have a say in the conversation. I would personally let your daughter know the facts of what's going on and let her feel as though the decision is not being made for her. I don't know if your wife will go for that, but her priority should be her daughter and making the best decisions for her.

 

My parents getting divorced was very devastating for me. Even though I knew that it was the best thing for them. They were miserable together. I did not enjoy any part of the divorce or the decisions my parents made regarding me during the divorce. I was 15 when they split and 16 when the divorce was finalized.

 

Funny, DB, but you're right - my wife has taken very little upon herself in terms of making decisions. Didn't even file paperwork for the D.

 

Turns out the only decision she really made with anything resembling conviction ... was to leave.

[darkbloom]

Funny, DB, but you're right - my wife has taken very little upon herself in terms of making decisions. Didn't even file paperwork for the D.

 

Turns out the only decision she really made with anything resembling conviction ... was to leave.

 

Leaving is the easy part. It's bullsh-t that she has taken no responsibility for the consequences of her decision. I think it's time that you start making her own her decisions. Which means sitting down with her daughter and talking to her about what she's doing and the impact it is having on her.

 

Be upfront with your daughter about your decision to move. She won't hold it against you if you are honest.

[KBarletta]

Leaving is the easy part. It's bullsh-t that she has taken no responsibility for the consequences of her decision. I think it's time that you start making her own her decisions. Which means sitting down with her daughter and talking to her about what she's doing and the impact it is having on her.

 

Be upfront with your daughter about your decision to move. She won't hold it against you if you are honest.

 

You're right. Better to be up front. I have been honest with my daughter about the move. We went to see the new place together, and we have talked about what color to paint her room, where we'll put the TV, etc., the fact that it has a pool (!!!), etc. So she understands that I am moving. The thing is, she doesn't yet realize that this means a switch in schools. She hasn't put 2 & 2 together to get 4, mainly because I don't think she knows the boundaries of our neighborhoods that well and where one school zone ends and another begins, etc.

[KBarletta]

Today I did something that has me feeling both excited and somewhat guilty at the same time. I asked the OW (mentioned a few times earlier) out to a concert that is coming up in a few weeks. The invite was via e-mail, which is how we conduct most of our interaction when we're not together - both professionally and personally - but there was no mistaking this as anything but me asking her to go with me as a date. Not sure what the answer will be but it feels good to do it. First time I've asked anyone out besides my wife in 11 years. Not sure if I even remember how these things are supposed to go. But exciting nonetheless.

Anyway, just wanted to offer that update because if nothing else (even if she says No) it will give me a day to thing about something new and exciting.

[chew123]

KB,

 

I wish you good luck. One thing I hate about dating this time around is the email/text conversations. Lack of voice inflection takes away from my ability to read things properly sometimes.

 

chew

[KBarletta]

KB,

 

I wish you good luck. One thing I hate about dating this time around is the email/text conversations. Lack of voice inflection takes away from my ability to read things properly sometimes.

 

chew

 

Thanks Chew. I am a writer for a living, so e-mail kind of works for me in a way. Gives me a chance to be witty in ways that I may not be if we're on the phone and I'm a bit nervous about the conversation and unsure of where it's going to go. This way, I can think about what to say and come off as happy go lucky and witty, even when I am a bit of a wreck.

[darkbloom]

Don't leave us hanging kb! What'd she say? A week is much too long without an update from you.

[KBarletta]

Don't leave us hanging kb! What'd she say? A week is much too long without an update from you.

 

Sorry for the delay. I have been on vacation.

Anyway, she responded with a very friendly note that she has to work, but was genuinely disappointed she couldn't make it. Not great but not terrible either.

We will be seeing each other again soon.

For now I am going to have to spend most of my time getting ready to move, but will keep seeing her as much as possible.

[KBarletta]

Hello again all. I am feeling the need to unburden myself a bit, so just wanted to post a quick update.

It's funny - I just returned from a four-day weekend away with friends - this past Saturday also was my sixth wedding anniversary. I needed to not be home alone.

I had a good time on the trip, but today - my first day back to work - I am feeling very empty and really missing my wife and my old life more than I have in months. I barely slept last night, just tossed and turned and thought about everything that's happened the past six months and felt lost and alone.

Still feeling sad and empty today. Not sure quite what the source of these feelings is exactly, it's just a kind of vague sadness and loneliness.

Six years ago, I was in Puerto Rico enjoying my honeymoon, today I am packing up boxes of my old life and moving on to a complete unknown, alone.

Not to be a total downer, but that's just what I am feeling today.

 

KTB

[darkbloom]

Hello again all. I am feeling the need to unburden myself a bit, so just wanted to post a quick update.

It's funny - I just returned from a four-day weekend away with friends - this past Saturday also was my sixth wedding anniversary. I needed to not be home alone.

I had a good time on the trip, but today - my first day back to work - I am feeling very empty and really missing my wife and my old life more than I have in months. I barely slept last night, just tossed and turned and thought about everything that's happened the past six months and felt lost and alone.

Still feeling sad and empty today. Not sure quite what the source of these feelings is exactly, it's just a kind of vague sadness and loneliness.

Six years ago, I was in Puerto Rico enjoying my honeymoon, today I am packing up boxes of my old life and moving on to a complete unknown, alone.

Not to be a total downer, but that's just what I am feeling today.

 

KTB

 

Sorry about the delayed response kb. Work has been insane and I've been trying to focus my energies outside of LS. Another member commented on another post about the science of the brain. I can't remember what he said exactly but he was saying that after a breakup you should do as many new things as possible to make new connections in the brain. When you're alone and not doing anything, your brain goes back to familiar pathways and those used most frequently. In this case, your wife and your relationship. Eventually when you make enough new connections in your brain you will focus on the ones used most often instead of your wife.

 

I love that on paper. Too bad in real life we have feelings associated with those connections. And they still hurt. And still feel familiar and raw.

 

Keep your head up. I hope this new lady friend turns into something amazing. You deserve it kb.

[kenmore]

Yes KB, DB is right. You will have those no matter what you do, really. The sadness today is likely caused by the fact that you had fun, and either feel a little guilty not sharing that with your wife or an association with fun=wife. I know, I have had them too!

 

In my case, I am finding it easier because I have been able to compartmentalize the fact that she doesn't want "us" anymore. That's not easy, and I feel blessed that I was able to. When I start to feel down or miss good times we had, I go to the box where this resides, and take in a good healthy dose of F.U. Somehow it really does help.

 

Also, since we ended up with some cruelty on her part (telling me to get my things out by the end of the week, even though I had fractured my finger), it makes it easier to fuel some hatred. That said, I don't really hate her, nor do I want to. I'm just saying I can use the temporary emotion as a crutch for now. I understand this whole thing is emotional from both of our perspectives, so would never hold anything against her permanently.

 

The answer is there is no answer. You will feel these things and at times you can't predict. Geez, I have found some pain in my heart lately just waiting for her to contact me about our taxes. Today I was at the house we lived in before she bought her current one. It's a rental now, I'm the property manager and there was a plumbing issue. Seeing the place brought back memories, but I lived there for six years before she moved in so I'm beginning not to equate the place with her anymore; which is progress!

 

You are progressing too! I see it in this thread alone (of course it is a damned long one!) Congrats on that and the fact that it takes something as rare and huge as you having fun to hurt. Now that's progress!!

 

Ken

[kenmore]

About the daughter / school thing, you are in the same boat I am. I had a lawyer tell me this point blank (and rather rudely, but it did stick with me) that since she is not my daughter and I did not adopt her, I have no say whatsoever in what happens to her. All decisions are up to wife, until she reaches 18, when she can make her own decisions (unless she continues living with the wife, in which case it's house rules.)

 

Therefore, you should mention to your wife what your feelings are on the matter and let her handle it. Tell her your step-daughter is excited about next year at this school and you feel it will not be an easy adjustment if it happens too late. Ultimately, your daughter will have to suck it up and do what she has to. That's just life. It doesn't have to be a surprise, but it's not your place to burst a bubble, or make decisions for your wife.

 

Sorry you must go through that. The step-child stuff can be the hardest!

 

Ken

[KBarletta]

Thanks everyone. The good news is that I spent last evening with my daughter, and just sitting on the couch with her, putting my arm around her, talking and watching television, I felt 100 percent better. Five minutes into that, I forgot all about my bad feelings. The troubling thing is that spending time with her is one of the very few things that make me feel really good, and I still worry that my wife is going to take her away from me and move across the country or the world, which would leave me in a very bad state. That's something I have no control over, but for now things are better. Thanks for all of your good thoughts and advice.