The Ups and Downs

[darkbloom]

DB, I think you hit the nail on the head with 99 percent of what you said here, and this discussion is actually helping me gain more clarity as to why things have happened the way they have.

 

My wife has been abandoned many times by the men in her life and as a result has always been insecure. She also has always had one foot out the door, which I never realized until the other one was also out the door. I also don't think she ever truly believed that I was in it for good. Her own father, and the "sperm donor" of her child walked away from her without a word. Her dad came back after about 10 years and mended fences, but things were never quite the same.

 

The truth is that my wife does need therapy. She isn't getting it, though. I know this because as the holder of our insurance policy, I get weekly reports from my health insurance provider as to which doctors the family is seeing and when. She isn't seeing anyone (or if she is, she's paying out of pocket which I know for certain she could not afford to do).

 

 

 

^THIS is 100 percent my wife's M.O. and has been for years. She has NEVER wanted to have tough conversations and has always been passive aggressive about getting her point across.

 

KB,

 

I think I understand your wife because I am a lot like her in many ways. And I am still so, so sorry for what is happening to you. I look at my breakup and although painful, it does not really compare to what you are going through. That makes me feel better and worse at the same time. It's too bad we cannot choose who we fall in love with. Your ex sounds like a great woman in so many ways but she has a lot of darkness that she has never dealt with. You are an innocent bystander in her tornado.

 

I am having a rough night but taking comfort in the fact that I have never set out to intentionally hurt someone. I read your posts and they make me sad. They also give me hope that there are still good people like you out there who are suffering the way that I am. And there are still people like your wife hurting people because they have been hurt.

 

I hope my next response to you comes from a much more positive and hopeful place.

 

db

[Majormisstep]

KB,

 

I think I understand your wife because I am a lot like her in many ways. And I am still so, so sorry for what is happening to you. I look at my breakup and although painful, it does not really compare to what you are going through. That makes me feel better and worse at the same time. It's too bad we cannot choose who we fall in love with. Your ex sounds like a great woman in so many ways but she has a lot of darkness that she has never dealt with. You are an innocent bystander in her tornado.

 

I am having a rough night but taking comfort in the fact that I have never set out to intentionally hurt someone. I read your posts and they make me sad. They also give me hope that there are still good people like you out there who are suffering the way that I am. And there are still people like your wife hurting people because they have been hurt.

 

I hope my next response to you comes from a much more positive and hopeful place.

 

db

 

 

Ditto here 1000% db

 

Some of us don't see the great things until they are long gone. BUT, we also now have an opportunity to create new and happy life experiences.

 

KB, if your stbxw is/was so unsettled in her skin, please know that nothing you could say or do would change that. Her healing or self-discovery comes from within. You good, wonderful men are drawn into that female beauty or mystery and want to capture it and hold on to it forever. But deep inside her may lie a flaw, and if it does at some juncture the need to "find herself" will surface.

 

Case and point, my stbhx SIL is one of the most beautiful women I have ever seen. Tall, blonde, liquid green eyes - didn't need a stitch of make-up. Heads turned wherever she went. She also had an H that adored her. Bought her whatever she wanted, took her on numerous trips every year, told her how beautiful she was, she was his reason to live. But as time marched on, you could see her change. The flaw was surfacing. Her need for validation was becoming more evident which eventually led to several very public A's. She didn't care. That self esteem monster took over and her 27 year M crashed - also very publicly.

 

So the moral of the story is, you couldn't have done anything to save the M or her KB.

[KBarletta]

Thanks to all for your responses. This discussion the past week or two here has helped me come to some realizations about my wife that were always in my head, but never crystal-clear until now.

 

She has always been insecure though she had no reason to be (outwardly, anyway). She has always been afraid of expressing herself, though on the, rare occasions when she did we would almost always come to a reasonable compromise and move forward better off for it. She has always been afraid of having the same life as her parents, and giving her daughter the same life she had (even though, ironically, by leaving, she kind of did that).

 

The thing that worries me, actually, is that I don't know if she will ever be truly happy, and if she is going to break up my family in pursuit of that elusive "happiness" then she damn well better find it, you know. If she doesn't, then what's the point of any of this?

[darkbloom]

Thanks to all for your responses. This discussion the past week or two here has helped me come to some realizations about my wife that were always in my head, but never crystal-clear until now.

 

She has always been insecure though she had no reason to be (outwardly, anyway). She has always been afraid of expressing herself, though on the, rare occasions when she did we would almost always come to a reasonable compromise and move forward better off for it. She has always been afraid of having the same life as her parents, and giving her daughter the same life she had (even though, ironically, by leaving, she kind of did that).

 

The thing that worries me, actually, is that I don't know if she will ever be truly happy, and if she is going to break up my family in pursuit of that elusive "happiness" then she damn well better find it, you know. If she doesn't, then what's the point of any of this?

 

 

K,

 

The point of all of this is she will never find happiness if she continues to seek it. Happiness comes from within and it seems as though she is missing a lot of it and doesn't know where to look. The only silver lining about this is that she left you in search of her own but that is freeing you to find it for yourself (again).

 

Would you say that the times you spent with her were happy and worth all of this heartache you are going through now? If you had the choice between meeting her and breaking your heart or never meeting her what would you choose?

 

I only ask because my heartbreak has led me to a much better place inside myself.

 

I am writing you from a much better place than I was the other day. The ups and downs indeed.

 

db

[KBarletta]

K,

 

The point of all of this is she will never find happiness if she continues to seek it. Happiness comes from within and it seems as though she is missing a lot of it and doesn't know where to look. The only silver lining about this is that she left you in search of her own but that is freeing you to find it for yourself (again).

 

Would you say that the times you spent with her were happy and worth all of this heartache you are going through now? If you had the choice between meeting her and breaking your heart or never meeting her what would you choose?

 

I only ask because my heartbreak has led me to a much better place inside myself.

 

I am writing you from a much better place than I was the other day. The ups and downs indeed.

 

db

 

Hi DB, glad you are doing better. I am - of course - up and down!

 

The holidays this past weekend had me feeling like I'd lost my family. I still have a bit of anger toward my wife for what - to me - feels like my family has been stolen from me without a good reason. It's a lonely feeling to show up alone to family gatherings when everyone else there is married with children. It's a lonely feeling to come to work functions alone when everyone else is bringing their spouse. I've been feeling that very intensely the past few days. It sucks.

 

As much as NC has helped me heal, it also makes my wife seem like a stranger. I haven't seen her face or heard her voice in months. I have no idea what is going on in her life, and she's shown no curiosity about what is going on in mine. That is tough to take.

 

As to your question about happiness - I would say that I was happy with my wife, overall. The last few months we were together it was clear SHE wasn't happy, and her behavior and my knowledge of that made ME unhappy. She wouldn't tell me what was wrong, despite my efforts to ask (in fact, I asked so much what was bothering her that she got angry but still never told me exactly what was going on).

 

It's funny how many times I have felt like "I've made it through the pain" only to feel it again. And how many times I've thought "this is never going to end" only to feel happy again.

[darkbloom]

Hi DB, glad you are doing better. I am - of course - up and down!

 

The holidays this past weekend had me feeling like I'd lost my family. I still have a bit of anger toward my wife for what - to me - feels like my family has been stolen from me without a good reason. It's a lonely feeling to show up alone to family gatherings when everyone else there is married with children. It's a lonely feeling to come to work functions alone when everyone else is bringing their spouse. I've been feeling that very intensely the past few days. It sucks.

 

As much as NC has helped me heal, it also makes my wife seem like a stranger. I haven't seen her face or heard her voice in months. I have no idea what is going on in her life, and she's shown no curiosity about what is going on in mine. That is tough to take.

 

As to your question about happiness - I would say that I was happy with my wife, overall. The last few months we were together it was clear SHE wasn't happy, and her behavior and my knowledge of that made ME unhappy. She wouldn't tell me what was wrong, despite my efforts to ask (in fact, I asked so much what was bothering her that she got angry but still never told me exactly what was going on).

 

It's funny how many times I have felt like "I've made it through the pain" only to feel it again. And how many times I've thought "this is never going to end" only to feel happy again.

 

Holidays are extremely rough. Especially single. (My brother and my father both have new girlfriends. Neither of them should be in any sort of relationship because they are both emotionally unwell. And yet I, the most emotionally stable of the bunch am single. Dumped by someone who is also emotionally unwell.) I feel like something must be wrong with me and feel very alone going to any sort of family function. I used to spend half of the holidays with my family and half with his family. I'm very sad about not being able to see or talk to anyone from his family on Easter. I feel like he won somehow. Even though that makes no sense.

 

I can't remember what his voice sounds like. I think I remember but I can't know for sure. He feels like a stranger. I want to call his work from a blocked number to see if I can remember it. I won't of course. But I feel like maybe I never knew him if I can't remember his voice. I think he still checks my instagram. I blocked him but he can still see what I post. That makes me feel worse since he has shown no desire to talk to me.

 

To find myself, I had to go through this pain. Maybe that's the light at the end of this painful tunnel. Maybe your wife leaving and all this pain it's caused is your way of growing into the person you're meant to be.

 

Even though we're both hurting, we seem to be the people who are coping the best on loveshack. There have been some crazy posts lately and I can always come back to your calm and thoughtful posts.

 

I enjoy reading your posts. I am waiting for the day that your wife comes running back and realizes all of the mistakes she made. I anticipate that happening everytime you post. Strange right?

 

DB

[KBarletta]

I enjoy reading your posts. I am waiting for the day that your wife comes running back and realizes all of the mistakes she made. I anticipate that happening everytime you post. Strange right?

 

Thanks DB. I thought this, too, for the longest time. My wife always told me that I was the best family she ever had, that I treated her better and was more important to her than any of her blood relatives, all of whom had let her down at various times in her life. And then she was gone.

 

I just have to keep reminding myself that SHE is the one who let ME down, and that she is someday going to regret it. I just wish that day would have come before I gave up on our marriage.

[81West]

Thanks DB. I thought this, too, for the longest time. My wife always told me that I was the best family she ever had, that I treated her better and was more important to her than any of her blood relatives, all of whom had let her down at various times in her life. And then she was gone.

 

I just have to keep reminding myself that SHE is the one who let ME down, and that she is someday going to regret it. I just wish that day would have come before I gave up on our marriage.

 

The right distillation of thoughts is so important in gathering emotions that are wanting to bounce off a hundred disconnected things when we're struggling. A few months ago somebody said to me "Don't be having second thoughts. He has let you down and none of this is your fault." That simple formulation - he has let you down - hit just the right resonance. We tell ourselves so many things when we are trying to understand and trying to protect our fragile selves when our hearts are cracking, but they must feel right to be of any use. They have to feel true. We have to believe them. And that simple idea - that he let me down, and the things that follow that - that I had earned better than I got with my love and my faith and my belief in him, have been a central steadying force since. There are still days when I am desolate, but I know I gave my best and that the whole thing had so much more worth than it was assigned ultimately. I don't even care if there is ever regret. I don't need his regret. I know the rare value of what was and could have been with or without it, and like you, I know who let who spectacularly down. Let that keep your head up as it should KB.

Edited April 9, 2015 by 81West
Spelling and stuff

[darkbloom]

She did let you down. As we've already discussed though, that's her MO. When things get tough she runs away. Even from her family.

 

I already know she will come back to you. By the time she figures it out though it will be too late.

[kenmore]

I just read this last page, and it is very empowering. In cases like these, it's natural for one to think it doesn't matter who is at fault. It's over and we need to move on. Fundamentally that's true, but emotionally who is at fault is still important.

 

My wife always blamed me for our marriage ending, but I always blamed her. She said she was compelled to file for divorce because of how things went in our marriage. I simply blamed her because she's the one who gave up. While I accept my share of the blame, and yes, there is enough to go around, I still can't blame myself completely. I wanted it to work and would have gone to counseling (she asked me to, I said yes then she decided it wouldn't help.) She just bailed.

 

The other day she said how sad she was that I didn't do what I'm doing now, years ago. After contemplating that, I realized I couldn't have done this because she would have never stood for me working long hours, spending money I don't have and making almost nothing. I told her this, and she took it as me blaming her for all of our problems. I feel it's true though. But, the bottom line is she said she doesn't even care anymore. That's the sad truth.

 

So, I am blessed KB. You have not heard from your wife and have no idea where her mind is. I have. I know it's over and there is no doubt. I have a date with another woman Sat evening and Monday it will all be over because I'm moving my things out. On top of all that, I have all of you to lend strength and insight. Thanks to you all! Keep it up within yourselves too, don't give it all away!

 

Ken

Edited April 10, 2015 by kenmore

[ralfgarnett]

KB, much of what you have said rings tue to me.

 

 

The holidays this past weekend had me feeling like I'd lost my family. I still have a bit of anger toward my wife for what - to me - feels like my family has been stolen from me without a good reason. It's a lonely feeling to show up alone to family gatherings when everyone else there is married with children. It's a lonely feeling to come to work functions alone when everyone else is bringing their spouse. I've been feeling that very intensely the past few days. It sucks.

 

 

Do what I do and don't go, you have the choice.

 

As much as NC has helped me heal, it also makes my wife seem like a stranger. I haven't seen her face or heard her voice in months. I have no idea what is going on in her life, and she's shown no curiosity about what is going on in mine. That is tough to take

 

 

With you on this in fact it freaks me out a bit that someone I was so close to and shared so much with has in the last 9 months ecome almost like a total stranger to me and that scares me

 

Ken, not cheked in with you for a while mate but sending you best wishes from across the pond.

 

RG

[kenmore]

As much as NC has helped me heal, it also makes my wife seem like a stranger. I haven't seen her face or heard her voice in months. I have no idea what is going on in her life, and she's shown no curiosity about what is going on in mine. That is tough to take

 

 

With you on this in fact it freaks me out a bit that someone I was so close to and shared so much with has in the last 9 months ecome almost like a total stranger to me and that scares me

 

Ditto guys! How did we go from that to this so damned quickly? I wouldn't have thought it possible!

 

Off topic a little, but I was perusing a cooking magazine this morning reading about this herb stuffed crusted pork loin (yeah, cooking again!) and it just made my heart hurt. It is just like the things I used to make for her and it hurt just reading it. I had to wonder why. She didn't help me cook, the act of cooking it had nothing to do with her, in fact the only relation is that it gave me pleasure doing this act for her. Then I remembered she was often difficult regarding it. If I was late (even by just 15 min), she would be angry about it. If something wasn't quite right, she would point it out. Too much salt? Not enough? Overcooked? Why should I give a damn about pleasing her? Then it hit me, that's exactly why!

 

Just like women typically seem to want a man who is an ass sometimes more than one who is nice and treats her well all the time, I think her occasional b*tching drove me to try harder. To take more pleasure when I killed it! Cooking for people who just appreciate it even though you know you screwed up seems to be unsatisfying.

 

So now what? Go find another difficult woman? Work on my own self worth? (obviously, but I doubt that would make it satisfying), just try to please myself? (I always do...sometimes too much .)

 

I think this one is going to take a lot of self analyzing and reflection, but hey, at least I figured out the cause!

 

Hey Ralf, nice to see you again! Yep, nine months, I see we're still in the same boat. Wishing you better years! How are you doing?

 

Ken

[81West]

That's great insight to share! I think we value things we respect and know we have to continue to earn to keep. We're all at our best when we know somebody will keep us on our toes, but not stomp on them.

[chew123]

KB, Ralf, Kenmore,

 

Its funny I try to stay off this board since it reminds me of bad things but I am addicted.

 

I unfortunately still have a decent amount of contact with my wife and will til we get rid of the house over the next couple months. Plus she only moved to the neighbors 5 houses away. And she is on a getaway trip with her new man this weekend so it is still in my face.

 

But you know what, I think it helps me more then NC. It helps me see her for what she really is, not what I thought she was. If I did not see her I would probably only be remembering the good times. And it is not like she is glowing with happiness. Gained weight, stopped showering every day?, other weird things for someone with a new love.

 

Anyway, one of the things that has really helped me since the official divorce a few weeks ago is that I said to myself enough is enough. I have wasted 6 months on this ordeal and I am not getting any younger. Life is too short to dwell on the bad things. Yes it still bugs me but not nearly as much. I have decided to start really living again and I am. I will not allow her behavior to affect me any longer.

 

Tonight I am going to happy hour with friends then dinner with new companion. Life is too short!!!

 

We will all get where we need to be. We can't let anyone else's actions define how happy and fulfilling our lives are going to be. We alone are responsible for our happiness.

 

Good luck all

[ruhrohcd]

She did let you down. As we've already discussed though, that's her MO. When things get tough she runs away. Even from her family.

 

I already know she will come back to you. By the time she figures it out though it will be too late.

 

My ex is also a runner. She thought she deserved points for at least telling me she was leaving me; apparently she hasn't been so "kind" in the past.

 

I sincerely doubt my ex will ever be back. She's never shown the slightest inclination of contacting the other men she's ran from, and I don't expect that I'm any different, though I did everything I could to make her happy (I know, you can't "make" someone happy, but I'm sure you know what I mean). I fantasize that she'll have an epiphany and come to her senses, but that's all it is: a fantasy. She has a scorched earth policy, and I've been napalmed.

 

She did let me down. She let both of us down. It's been nearly 8 months for me and my good periods are lasting longer and longer, though I still have a nagging wish for things to go back to how they were. My brain knows that's impossible, but I still yearn for it. Stupid heart.

[KBarletta]

Hi all, very much appreciate all of your insights. It's good to share these experiences with people who know what you're going through. I have family and friends who I can talk to, but not many of them really know what I am feeling because they haven't been through it.

 

That said, the past few days have been a bit of a whirlwind. I have been in regular contact with the new woman and spent time last night with her at a group event that actually was in her honor. Still just friends. I do find myself very drawn to her and attracted to her, but I have to be careful to remind myself that I am not ready for anything to happen. It wouldn't be fair to anyone involved for me to get into anything there, at least not yet. But it is good to spend time together and realize that I can be attracted to other women and envision myself with them. It's a positive development.

 

Also, I put an offer in today on a new home. It is all at once scary, exciting and sad. Scary, because I will now have two mortgages and only one income. I REALLY hope that doesn't last long! Exciting because it is new and totally my own and has a lot of features my current home does not. And sad because it means saying goodbye to our family home, which we purchased together and which I still remember the hope and joy from the day we moved in. It's so fresh in my mind, all of the visions of the future we shared that I am now burying with this decision. Getting heartsick just typing this because of the memories of our happiness and our shared hope for the future.

 

I feel such conflicting emotions. I still have a small part of me that says my wife is crazy for leaving and I just want back the life we had. And the rest of me, which is really pushing hard to move forward and leave her behind. I don't WANT to leave her behind. But I HAVE to in order to move on. Hardest thing to do. I would compare it to a death of a family member, but that has a finality to it that actually makes it easier to cope. There is no rejection or self-doubt or blame. It's just a fact that needs to be dealt with. This is so much more of a grey area, which I think makes it even harder.

 

KTB

Edited April 10, 2015 by KBarletta

[81West]

One of the things I fight with are the swings between missing the person who felt like my soul mate and feeling bursts of anger at the-worst-person-in-the-world. Same guy! You see some version of this expressed a lot on LS: people feel they've come to realize their person was not-who-they-thought-they-were. But I'm trying really hard to be ruthlessly honest with myself so if nothing else I can understand why I've arrived where I have. And when I do that I know he and I are the same imperfect people we've always been and my anger is mostly just sadness. I read a study once about people in long term marriages who still exhibited the same 'new love' brain chemistry when they thought about each other after decades. They still got rushes of endorphins and the other passion chemicals that most people assume always fade after love settles into routine. But for a small percentage of couples it does not. And one of the things the studied turned up to account for that was that these couples idealized each other. Absolutely, sweetly and probably completely irrationally thought the sun rose and set on each other. And maybe that's what changes when people let us down. It's not so much that we're seeing things more clearly or more cynically but that our experience has broken that particular precious-if-illusory mechanism of love.

 

And it's hard to consider, but sometimes people can be at once badly letting us down and doing exactly what's right for their own life. It can make the world seem like a terribly perilous place when you let it in. But there's some peace too in knowing that some limits of love are universal. You can try to choose well, use your intuition and love as long and hopefully as you can with an open and trusting heart - and still be let down for your all your faith and effort. Maybe the lesson there is to treasure every moment of the good times when you have them because inevitably, life changes.

 

It all sucks wildly. But surely there's some bend down the river somewhere that's going to make it all make sense. Sometimes a whole bunch of things have to go wrong in life to set up one thing to go really right.

 

Good luck with the house offer KB! New space has always been for me powerful medicine. Hope it is for you too.

[kenmore]

That's great insight to share! I think we value things we respect and know we have to continue to earn to keep. We're all at our best when we know somebody will keep us on our toes, but not stomp on them.

 

Thanks 81W (BTW, I knew that was a direction not an year though you're still very young!), I appreciate that you appreciate that. Your last clause says it all!

 

But you know what, I think it helps me more then NC. It helps me see her for what she really is, not what I thought she was. If I did not see her I would probably only be remembering the good times. And it is not like she is glowing with happiness. Gained weight, stopped showering every day?, other weird things for someone with a new love.

 

Anyway, one of the things that has really helped me since the official divorce a few weeks ago is that I said to myself enough is enough. I have wasted 6 months on this ordeal and I am not getting any younger. Life is too short to dwell on the bad things. Yes it still bugs me but not nearly as much. I have decided to start really living again and I am. I will not allow her behavior to affect me any longer.

 

Tonight I am going to happy hour with friends then dinner with new companion. Life is too short...Good luck all

 

Chew, once again what I read here reflects my own thoughts. I have been NC, and like you, all it did was make me see her in a perfect light. Maybe it does to them too, but does that help?

 

Lately we have been talking a little as we finalize our end. Things that must be discussed like me moving my things. Today I emailed her saying (amongst other things) that I am taking another lady to the ballet Saturday but I told this lady there can be no sex until I'm divorced. I told her I was letting her know because we are still married for the next two months and she should know. As fate would have it, my crappy tracfone (which I love because it costs me next to nothing) received two text messages today at 2:45-ish. One from her saying please call her about taxes, and one from her daughter saying her mom wants me to call her; so I called.

 

Well, it turns out they were from yesterday and took 24 hours to come in, so she had no idea why I called. That said, she seemed more friendly than usual and was joking and laughing with me right off, then she brought up the subject of the ballet, and said I should know how much she enjoys the ballet (huh? ) and how dare I? That she's so angry with me now, and I don't want to be talking to her. She actually got mad right as I was talking to her, within minutes! She told me to move my things and leave her alone (wow, big change from where we were.) We hung up then the series of texts came in, five in a row. The first one was as expected, FU! Then it got worse lol.

 

Finally she told me that I need to leave her alone because I don't want to talk to her as she's scathing with anger. I said "you kidding? It's about f*cking time I got some feeling out of you other than indifference. this is the most you have given me since August. Scathe away!

 

So, it made me feel great! Sure we're done, have been all along, but now I know she feels something! Why would she care what the F*ck I do with any woman, with my free time, my money, anything? We'll be divorced in two months. It's because she has feelings still, and even though we're done, that means something. It means I'm not a useless POS to her. That I have worth in her eyes.

 

While as you say we need to be fine alone and can't use what others feel as a gauge of our own self worths, somehow there is a modicum of satisfaction knowing I'm not just a turd on the highway. That she is hurt by me seeing someone else. Now I can move on with more peace, as crappy as that sounds.

 

Ken

[kenmore]

I read a study once about people in long term marriages who still exhibited the same 'new love' brain chemistry when they thought about each other after decades. They still got rushes of endorphins and the other passion chemicals that most people assume always fade after love settles into routine. But for a small percentage of couples it does not. And one of the things the studied turned up to account for that was that these couples idealized each other. Absolutely, sweetly and probably completely irrationally thought the sun rose and set on each other.

 

That's unfortunately where I am. It's where I was with my first wife when she died too. guess I need to stop that!

 

Sometimes a whole bunch of things have to go wrong in life to set up one thing to go really right.

 

Geez I hope so 81W, as my transmission broke again today for the second time this year, I had to wonder between bursts of anger what has gone right for me lately? I keep living for something positive. It's a nice thought that something may come along before I reach some breaking point.

[KBarletta]

One of the things I fight with are the swings between missing the person who felt like my soul mate and feeling bursts of anger at the-worst-person-in-the-world.

 

Thanks 81W. I have the same struggle, between who I thought my wife was and who she is now. I really miss the person she was. I don't know who she is now, as we haven't had an actual conversation in nearly six months. But my entire home is a reminder of her, which makes it hard not to think of her, even in strict NC. She chose the house and decorated it and really loved it. I've gotten rid of all kinds of stuff, painted walls, moved furniture. Still, everywhere I look is a reminder of her. Getting out of there will be a big step forward for me. I actually can't wait to move.

 

I also have been feeling a lot more anger lately. I am not sure exactly why. But when I expressed this to my counselor the other day she said, "It's about time!" She thought I had been too easy on my wife and had been letting my sympathy for my wife cloud my feelings. Now, I am more angry than anything. It happens especially after I drop my daughter off after our time together. It hurts to do that, every single time, and makes me feel more alone than any other time. And that alone-ness makes me angry at my wife for walking away. It's a fleeting feeling, but it's definitely there.

 

KTB

[KBarletta]

That's unfortunately where I am. It's where I was with my first wife when she died too. guess I need to stop that!

 

Ken, I have this same problem at times. To me, my wife was the most beautiful and brilliant woman I knew. I still look on her this way sometimes, which makes the loss feel unbearable. I am breaking myself of the habit. But looking at her that way felt right during the relationship. I also trusted her completely, which was something I can't say was 100 percent true with others. Putting them on that pedestal makes the good times better, I feel, but it also makes the hard times harder when you lose them.

[darkbloom]

I agree with your counselor. It's about time you show some anger. I feel like the anger will help you miss her less. That's what it does for me and it motivates me to keep moving forward.

 

I'm hoping the anger turns into indifference.

[chew123]

KB, Ken,

 

Yep, me too. Put her on a pedestal and trusted her unconditionally. I actually think that serve me well through the first 27 years of marriage. Not so much in the last one.

 

In future relationships I plan to eliminate the pedestal. I realized I was already starting to do it with new girl a bit. I mentally put a stop to it.

 

The trust is another issue though. I may get burned again but I start out trusting you til you give me a reason not to. And after a while I expect the trust to grow or the relationship will have to end. I can't have one without the other.

 

And KB the anger is good for you I think. I finally had to get mine out before I could move on. Now the anger is pretty much gone, except for the occasional bout. I am happier now that it has passed having never been an angry person.

[KBarletta]

I may get burned again but I start out trusting you til you give me a reason not to.

 

Chew - I agree, and I am the same way. My philosophy has always been "fool me once, shame on you, fool me twice, shame on me." I trust you until you give me a reason not to. Once you do that, it's almost impossible for me to trust you again. That's why I don't think there is any hope for me and my wife, even if she were to break down my door and beg me to come back (which I don't see happening anyway). Trust, to me, is the basis for everything else. When that's gone, it's over.

[KBarletta]

Hi again friends. Had a rough night last night and just need to share/vent.

 

I am preparing to list my house for sale and move into a townhouse a few miles away. This move is likely to take place in about two months, but I have lots of stuff that needs to be sorted out (and gotten rid of) before it happens.

 

So last night (trash night in my neighborhood), I went through about a half dozen boxes of stuff that had been sitting in my basement. A lot of it was old stuff my wife left behind when she moved out that she clearly no longer wanted. I looked through it and bagged 95 percent of it up and left it at the curb.

 

It was good to purge myself of this stuff, but at the same time it broke my heart a bit. As I pieced through the stuff, I found old clothes that I remembered her wearing, I found old notes she'd written to me (and I to her), I found old toys from when our daughter (now 13) was a toddler. It was tough to take. I nearly broke down a few times, but I got through it all.

 

I realized through all of this that I am still in love with my wife - not who she is now, but who she used to be. Tossing all that stuff aside felt like throwing a part of my life away.