The Ups and Downs

[KBarletta]

Hi all - just here to post an update on my situation, and hoping some of you have some words of wisdom, comfort, or insight.

I have been almost completely NC (other than texts related to child care), though I did not delete her from my Facebook just because both of our families and friends are so intertwined on there (and not all of them know what's going on yet) and I didn't want to deal with the resulting ****-storm of a fallout that would have created.

Then, today, she basically "unmarried" me on Facebook. Still friends, but she's no longer listed as my wife on my page. I know it sounds like a minor thing to some, but that small connection was all I really had that gave me any hint that things might work out in my favor (I do still want her back).

So - in response - I just completely deactivated my Facebook and e-mailed all of my friends to let them know. Now it feels like the scab of the pain that I had successfully tried to heal over the past month has come undone again and it all feels new. Hard to put into words, and like I said, it probably seems like a minor point to many of you, but it's been a tough day.

[Mr. Lucky]

Now it feels like the scab of the pain that I had successfully tried to heal over the past month has come undone again and it all feels new. Hard to put into words, and like I said, it probably seems like a minor point to many of you, but it's been a tough day.

 

There's always that tough choice between pulling the bandaid off slowly or ripping it quickly. Sounds like the decision was made for you .

 

Her Facebook status simply underscores her actions of the last two months. Were I you, I'd reactivate my account, swallow hard and display your new "single" status also. Might as well rip that bandaid off at the same time...

 

Mr. Lucky

[KBarletta]

Thanks Mr. Lucky. I actually came to the conclusion that being on Facebook and still connected to her and her family and friends wasn't healthy for me because it provided a temptation to obsess over her, which is something I simply don't need.

So I actually created a "secret" profile and only shared it with my immediate family and close friends of mine. About two dozen people, so I can still interact in that forum without fear of being reminded of her. Probably should have done that from the beginning, actually, when I established NC.

You are correct that it only underscores what has already occurred, it in itself is not a major step.

Despite all that, I still am deeply in love with her and still hold out hope for reconciliation. I know it is possible. But I know just as well that there's nothing I can do to make it happen other than focus on what I can control - me. So that's what I'll do. Doesn't make the pain go away, but it at least gives me something else to focus on.

[KBarletta]

Hi again all.

Just had to post today with a quick update. The past two days have been awful. I can't put my finger on why, but I am missing her more than ever the past few days. I feel like I have taken a step back in my progress.

 

I know this is all obvious, but it's so hard when you're NC and you have no clue what is going on in their head. All I really want to know is IF I have a chance of making this work in the future. If I knew the answer was NO, I feel like it would be easier to cope. The uncertainty of NC when you want someone back is really excruciating, especially at the holiday season. I am taking my own advice, staying busy, exercising, counseling, seeing friends. But there's always that pit in my stomach that feels like my heart is re-breaking with every thought of her.

 

Not a major update, content wise, but I had to blow off that steam that has been building up inside these days.

[Mr. Lucky]

Honestly, it's going to be like that for a while. The heart is a slow learner and it longs for things we know aren't good for us. Such is life.

 

The truth is, if she's not in contact, you know what she's thinking and doing. She's moving on. Since there's no other choice, you'll have to also.

 

Getting emotionally healthy after something like this is like investing in the market. If you look at appreciation over time, it looks like a straight line. But up close, taken in smaller intervals, lots of ups and downs. Hang in there and keep posting...

 

Mr. Lucky

[KBarletta]

You are right, Mr Lucky. Hence, the title for this thread I suppose. It's just a very tough time when you feel like you're making progress for a few days and then you backslide badly. It really is true that the stages of grief don't really happen in stages, sometimes they happen all at once, and you move back and forth through them quite a bit before you're done.

 

I have been trying to tell myself that even if she is with someone else (not sure of course), there's no way he cares for her the way I did. Part of me actually feels sorry for her because we had quite a nice life together and I know what she is losing.

 

Still, even knowing that, I also know that she is much more likely than I am to move on to someone else quickly - if she hasn't already. That is what hurts the most. I am not even close to being ready for something like that. She still turns heads wherever she goes, so she could basically walk into a room and have her pick of guys if she wanted. So it's hard for me not to imagine that happening, and a hard image to get out of my head, which adds to my angst when I am having my low days.

[KBarletta]

Ugh.

Nearly four weeks into NC, and I ran into my wife at the grocery store last evening, felt for a bit like I was back to square one.

I was checking out as she was entering, I saw her look at me out of the corner corner of my eye, then saw her quickly dash into the store so we didn't cross paths. It just made my heart ache for the times early in our relationship when we would randomly bump into each other and end up in a warm embrace and spend the rest of the evening together. Even though we only live a mile apart, seeing her actively avoid me made her, and those times, feel so far away.

[KBarletta]

Another week, another chance encounter with my ex.

I was having a beer at a bar near where I work last night and (of course) in walks my wife with her entire family for a birthday party for one of their close friends.

I had absolutely NO idea they would be there and, in fact, the place is nowhere near where any of them live. It's a block from where I work. Why they would choose that place is beyond me. But my wife barely muttered "hi" as she walked past me (though when she first saw me she was visibly shaken).

I live in a major city. We live and work miles away from each other. But we've seen each other twice by chance in the past week. This is too weird.

[Athens58]

I too am in the same situation... wife of 10 years filed a few months ago after almost a year separation. She tells me that she still loves me and cares about me but that she doesn't feel "it" anymore and that it's something that she can't "work out". A month ago she told me that she had met someone and that she'd been talking to him for a while...while I was still trying to work things out with her.

I truly miss her and having a family, we have two children 7 year old son and 4 year od daughter....She came from a broken family, she tells me she knows exactly what they're going through and not to worry that she's protecting them.

 

 

It's hard to believe that she's truly over me... she's even asked me to "snap out of it"... that she's not changing her mind and that I need to live my life. I don't understand how she expects me to move on as quickly as she has.

[chew123]

Kbarletta,

 

That is really weird, however at least you did not run into her while she is out with another man. That is a plus.

[KBarletta]

Kbarletta,

 

That is really weird, however at least you did not run into her while she is out with another man. That is a plus.

 

 

True. That would have been worse. But just the fact that in six weeks I have gone from being her best friend, husband, most important person in her life - to now being a guy she barely says "hi" to, that makes me hurt something awful. I still love her to pieces, even though she hurt me terribly. I wish I could just turn off that emotion because it's doing me no good at all and only causing me grief.

 

And running into her and seeing her face just puts me right back at square one in my recovery, in a way. It opens up the wound and feels like it was just yesterday that she walked out.

[KBarletta]

Hi all - I need some advice on something that my counselor suggested but I am unsure about.

 

During a recent session, after a discussion about how painful things have been for me lately, seeing my wife repeatedly and unexpectedly, I expressed sympathy for my wife for the pain she must be feeling and said that it actually adds to my pain when I imagine how sad she must also be.

 

The counselor suggested that I write a note to my wife expressing just that: Something like "If you are having as hard a time as I am right now, I really feel for you. Take care of yourself." No attempt to discuss the relationship, no "I love you and miss you," just an expression of compassion and empathy.

 

The counselor described the note as a "Hail Mary" pass to try to find a way to reconnect with my wife. I said I would consider it.

 

HOWEVER - I have been in near-NC (strict NC except for text exchanges regarding our daughter) for about five weeks. It has helped, and this would definitely be breaking that if I were to take her advice. But I also trust her and don't want to mess up what has become a very productive and healthy relationship with the counselor by ignoring her advice. Up to now, she's had very good things for me to do as my "homework" but this one was a bit different.

 

Please let me know your thoughts, LS friends. I know there are those out there who are almost religious in their devotion to NC all day every day, but I am hoping for a bit more feedback than just: "Stay with NC. Period." I have heard that plenty, and while I think it is helping, I don't think it's the only way to go when it comes to these situations.

 

Thoughts?

[Mr. Lucky]

Please let me know your thoughts, LS friends. I know there are those out there who are almost religious in their devotion to NC all day every day, but I am hoping for a bit more feedback than just: "Stay with NC. Period." I have heard that plenty, and while I think it is helping, I don't think it's the only way to go when it comes to these situations.

 

Thoughts?

 

Honestly, what have you got to lose ? That she won't talk to you? That she'll seem uncaring? Been there...

 

I agree, keep the tone as neutral as possible and no relationship discussion. Doesn't seem like there's much downside and, if she's completely unresponsive, perhaps this will help you move on. Hope you get what you want...

 

Mr. Lucky

[KBarletta]

Thanks for the advice.

 

I suppose - if anything - what I have to lose is the small amount of peace I've gotten from NC over the past five weeks. If I contact her, even in this small way, and get a negative response, or no response at all, it's possible it could send me back to square one.

 

That would suck, but probably not as much as wondering what would have happened if I DIDN'T do it. And I don't want to return to my counselor and tell her I "chickened out." I feel comfortable following her advice.

[Mr. Lucky]

I feel comfortable following her advice.

 

I'd guess your counselor is having you do this more for your acceptance and peace of mind than for any expected thaw in your wife's position. You're an honorable guy and one who takes the commitment of marriage seriously, but you may be in a position where holding on to that bond is eventually counterproductive.

 

This is most likely an exercise in helping you let go...

 

Mr. Lucky

[chew123]

KBarletta,

 

I know my wife is hurting because I am not in strict NC. I often express that I am concerned for her welfare since I can see the pain she is in over the decision she has made. I express it in a generic fashion , more as a fellow human being rather than a STBX. It does not cause me to backslide in my recovery. However I do think I may be a bit further along in acceptance then you are.

 

I would fololow the counselor's advice , she sounds pretty good. However I am also sure she would not mind if you "chickened out"

[KBarletta]

KBarletta,

 

I know my wife is hurting because I am not in strict NC. I often express that I am concerned for her welfare since I can see the pain she is in over the decision she has made. I express it in a generic fashion , more as a fellow human being rather than a STBX. It does not cause me to backslide in my recovery. However I do think I may be a bit further along in acceptance then you are.

 

I would fololow the counselor's advice , she sounds pretty good. However I am also sure she would not mind if you "chickened out"

 

 

Thanks chew. I have followed your story as well and have been impressed with how you've been coping. You're correct that you're further along than I am, by maybe six weeks or a month, but the feelings are similar, and the stages constantly come and go.

 

Also, I don't have any evidence of an affair, either, which I suspect makes it harder for me to let go and make a clean break. If that were a certainty (it's not, at least from the bits I have been able to gather), I think I might be less sympathetic and moving on would come a bit more naturally.

 

I will express it exactly as you stated - as a fellow human being, for whom I have empathy, not as a husband. It's going to be hard, though. Even the slightest break in NC for me sometimes throws me for a loop. I saw my wife sitting in her car the other day as she was dropping off our daughter and my heart skipped a beat. Just from that 5-second encounter, I knew I was still deeply in love with her and still had a long way to go to let go.

[KBarletta]

Hello again. I felt the need to post an update today for a few reasons.

 

1. I made it through the holidays with NC intact (my wife only contacts me now via text regarding pick up/drop off times and locations for our daughter.

 

Part of me, on Christmas, New Years, etc., was hoping for a break in the wall. I didn't EXPECT it, but I was hoping something would give. Whatever I was hoping for didn't come. On Christmas morning, my cell phone rang around 8:30 (I was still asleep, sleeping off the good bit of rum I'd consumed the night before) with my wife's cell number. I didn't answer and let it go to voice mail. I was hopeful that she was calling to break the ice and wish me a Merry Christmas. Instead, it was a good morning/Merry Christmas message from my daughter, which was very sweet, but not what I was hoping for (clearly, though, it was with my wife's blessing since she's very controlling of her phone and my daughter (12) doesn't have one of her own yet).

 

New Year's Eve came and went with no contact, even though that had been our personal favorite holiday and we hadn't spent one without contacting each other for 11 years. That hurt, bad. I spent the night with friends and had fun, but couldn't shake the idea that we were done for good.

 

2. This weekend will be the 10th anniversary of our first date (we were friends for a year or so first) and first time "together." I am not even sure if she remembers the date, but I do perfectly. I think that day will be hard and actually briefly considered breaking NC just to reminisce briefly about it (it WAS a great day) but haven't decided yet whether to do that or not. Probably not, due to the following ...

 

3. The other reason I had to post is to sing the praises of NC. Even though a huge part of me wishes I was still talking to my wife and trying to work things out, I have stuck to NC through the worst of times. And today - about seven weeks later - I can report that I feel almost normal for very long stretches of the day. At the beginning, I would plunge into depressed states very easily, couldn't shake thoughts of her, constantly dreamed of reconciliation, etc.

 

NOW, even though I am still totally in love with her and would take her back if the circumstances were appropriate, I do not pine for her all day. I can get a lot of good work done without staring into space thinking of the past.

 

I guess the long story short here is - when it comes to healing, NC WORKS.

 

Thanks to all.

 

 

KTB

Edited January 8, 2015 by KBarletta

[signalmtn]

Did you ever send the note you mentioned above?

 

Also, thanks for continuing the documentation of your experiences. Your thoughts and philosophies have helped me greatly, thank you so much. I can relate.

[KBarletta]

Did you ever send the note you mentioned above?

 

Also, thanks for continuing the documentation of your experiences. Your thoughts and philosophies have helped me greatly, thank you so much. I can relate.

 

Not yet. Talked about it at length with my counselor and we concluded that it was better to wait until I was no longer emotionally invested in what the response would be, if any, just to avoid a setback in the healing process. I will send something - just going to wait a bit.

[KBarletta]

Today is the 10th anniversary of the first time my wife and I spent the night together. I don't have an update really, other than this has been on my mind all day and tonight is going to be a tough one.

 

I'll be out with friends, but it will be hard not to think about that night - I thought that would be my last "first time."

[KBarletta]

Hi all.

 

I have a situation on which I need some advice.

 

For background: Because I use my cell phone exclusively, I rarely even look at the home phone. The ringer is always off and all of my close friends and family call my cell phone. I look at the Caller ID list on the home phone maybe once a week or so just to make sure I haven't missed anything important like a medical appointment or something.

 

Now for the story/question ... In reviewing the incoming call list yesterday for the first time in a while, I saw (among a number of surprises) that my sister-in-law (wife's sister and best friend) called in the early morning hours last weekend.

 

The question is: Do I contact her to find out what she wanted? There is no option for voice mail, so no message. It's possible she was drunk dialing, it's possible she misdialed looking for her sister, and it's possible that she just wanted to say Happy New Year as we were friends, too. It's also possible she's reaching out on behalf of her sister (my wife), or it was in fact my wife who was calling, or it could be some other explanation altogether. (We've been extreme LC for about two months.)

 

I really would like to just know the answer to why she called. I thought of sending her a simple e-mail or text that says: "Just noticed you called the other day. Did you need something?"

 

It could be very simple (mistake) or more complicated, and most people probably will suggest that I should ignore. But the curiosity is kind of killing me.

[LoveMyCat]

Hi all.

 

I have a situation on which I need some advice.

 

For background: Because I use my cell phone exclusively, I rarely even look at the home phone. The ringer is always off and all of my close friends and family call my cell phone. I look at the Caller ID list on the home phone maybe once a week or so just to make sure I haven't missed anything important like a medical appointment or something.

 

Now for the story/question ... In reviewing the incoming call list yesterday for the first time in a while, I saw (among a number of surprises) that my sister-in-law (wife's sister and best friend) called in the early morning hours last weekend.

 

The question is: Do I contact her to find out what she wanted? There is no option for voice mail, so no message. It's possible she was drunk dialing, it's possible she misdialed looking for her sister, and it's possible that she just wanted to say Happy New Year as we were friends, too. It's also possible she's reaching out on behalf of her sister (my wife), or it was in fact my wife who was calling, or it could be some other explanation altogether. (We've been extreme LC for about two months.)

 

I really would like to just know the answer to why she called. I thought of sending her a simple e-mail or text that says: "Just noticed you called the other day. Did you need something?"

 

It could be very simple (mistake) or more complicated, and most people probably will suggest that I should ignore. But the curiosity is kind of killing me.

 

If it is important, she will try to make again...

[KBarletta]

If it is important, she will try to make again...

 

True. And since the phone doesn't ring or have voice mail, I'll probably miss that call, too!

[LoveMyCat]

True. And since the phone doesn't ring or have voice mail, I'll probably miss that call, too!

 

If you see she called again, you can always text her then.