What is chemistry, and how does a guy inspire it?

[Quiet Storm]

I don't know the answer to "how to inspire chemistry".

 

Although I agree pheromones play a big part in sexual attraction, I am hesitant to think pheromones are totally responsible for the feeling of "chemistry" because many women do still feel chemistry after menopause and while they are taking the pill. I think hormones do impact libido and who we are physically attracted to, but think "chemistry" is more complicated.

 

I think it's more about the "vibe"... how two people interact, their body language, how their personalities mix. As another poster said, it's the "flow". And there are so many variables depending on that specific couple, so it's impossible to pinpoint the exact behavior that creates the "chemistry" feeling.

 

I don't think there is any way to guarantee chemistry, but I think there are certainly things guys can do, or not do, to be more appealing to women. Anything that seems scripted or unnatural, will totally break the "flow". This is why I think a lot PUA stuff doesn't work for many guys, because they just aren't comfortable with it and it comes off as unnatural or phony.

 

I do think there are guys out there that had trouble with this, and then eventually had better luck as they gained more experience and learned what women respond to. I think most women think chemistry is effortless, but we may not be completely right about this. I think there are definitely men that consciously do things to create chemistry, that do work. I have seen many guys who aren't good looking or tall or exceptionally charming do well with women.

 

I think the friends first approach backfires because the "chemistry" is usually felt from the start. In most cases, there is just a small window after you meet her to try to inspire the chemistry. Once she sees you as a friend, it takes the sexual component out of it for her, and that is the last thing you want.

[GoodOnPaper]

I think the friends first approach backfires because the "chemistry" is usually felt from the start. In most cases, there is just a small window after you meet her to try to inspire the chemistry. Once she sees you as a friend, it takes the sexual component out of it for her, and that is the last thing you want.

 

I agree, but it's unfortunate -- having at least a little familiarity with someone can help bring a guy out of his shell who would otherwise be too nervous. It really seems like a razor-thin line to navigate.

[Lernaean_Hydra]

She would have to either be ugly or unavailable or else I'd want to sleep with her, and the friendship wouldn't work out.

 

Also I'm not sure how a friendship would actually form with a woman like that.

 

Hey, I offered before dude, you bailed.

[xxoo]

I agree, but it's unfortunate -- having at least a little familiarity with someone can help bring a guy out of his shell who would otherwise be too nervous. It really seems like a razor-thin line to navigate.

 

It helps to be social and involved in natural group settings that ease nerves and allow fluid banter. This is part of the importance of having interests that provide this sort of social experience.

[OwMyEyeball]

I agree, but it's unfortunate -- having at least a little familiarity with someone can help bring a guy out of his shell who would otherwise be too nervous. It really seems like a razor-thin line to navigate.

Wouldn't it make more sense for someone to cast their shell off entirely so they don't feel it's something they expect another person to pull them out of?

[OwMyEyeball]

"Practice flirting with the goal of making the other person smile. " That's such a completely different mindset from what I have. Though I do like it.

 

I'll need to think about it and see how I can work it in.

 

 

 

That sounds really cool.

 

I've done something like that too with my ex. Randomly started dancing with her in the living room.

 

Romance isn't hard.

 

Once I have the girl, chemistry and romance is easy. Everything is natural. I think it's because I know that she likes me so I don't hold myself back. I just do what I want.

 

Trying to create chemistry with a girl that I'm unsure about how she feels about me is much more difficult.

Less think. More do.

 

Dude more happy.

[xxoo]

Wouldn't it make more sense for someone to cast their shell off entirely so they don't feel it's something they expect another person to pull them out of?

 

This is a very good point.

 

Shyness and social anxiety are huge handicaps in the dating world. Do the work to overcome and yield the rewards.

 

Courage is feeling the fear and doing it anyway.

[hotpotato]

You have to flirt and you have to try to bed them.

 

Treating them as gender neutral implies a lack of sexual attraction. This leads women to think you are not interested. Doesn't matter much if she is interested enough though. I've dated girls I had no chemistry with and little in common with... and to this day I don't get what the appeal was on their end. On my end it was obviously sexual attraction. Maybe it was the same for them.

 

Be warm, touch them a lot and flirt. Then bed them. Don't try to analyze it too much. Just try to bed any women you are attracted to. Eventually someone will say yes. That's the male dating strategy.

 

If a man tries to bed me asap, I will next him so fast his head will spin.

[PJKino]

I agree, but it's unfortunate -- having at least a little familiarity with someone can help bring a guy out of his shell who would otherwise be too nervous. It really seems like a razor-thin line to navigate.

 

Unfortunately women can be goofy and believe in that fairy take nonsense so as a msn if you don't create that spark right away you have no shot..

 

I'm the type of person that really had to get to know someone before I get comfortable and open up but women want an instant "spark"

[hotpotato]

In the "You're right" thread Quiet Storm made an awesome post about chemistry.

 

Her post completely resonated with me and almost seemed like it was written for me.

 

 

 

That is exactly how I feel about women, but now I'm aware that it's absolutely not how women feel about men.

 

The reason that I have done so poorly with girls throughout my life has been because I didn't understand chemistry, and I still don't.

 

When it comes to interacting with women I really don't have a clue what the hell I'm doing. Because of that I just treat women as if they were gender neutral, and my gender doesn't matter as well and guess what, they only want to be friends with me.

 

Can a guy learn how to create chemistry? If so, how?

 

Im willing to bet no one outside the internets thinks like that.

I assure you that neither of my crushes likes me only because im a vjay and make them laugh.

 

People have pointed out to you (ad nauseam) before that women like to be thought of as people not as essentially interchangeable dolls. Thats part of your problem.

[organizedchaos]

I don't think you can create chemistry with someone. It's either there or it isn't.

 

This. ^

 

Chemistry cannot be created or faked or even inspired. It's there or isn't. If you try to fake it it will eventually blow up in your face. If you have to inspire it, it won't last because it's not a true reaction that someone has to you.

 

It's an innate reaction two people have for each other.

[LittleTiger]

That's because you are not going to be attracted to every charming guy.

 

It's a close definition though. The guys who are good at building chemistry have good social skills.

 

What they are good at building is 'rapport', not chemistry.

[LittleTiger]

Thats a very black and white perspective, its not like that for me. I went on a date with a girl who lied about her weight, at first i was shocked and disappointed but went ahead with the date and foubd myself attracted to her all the same because of how sharp she was and her personality despite the physical attraction wasnt all it could have been.

 

I am very realistic in the sense that i am not getting any younger so may very well have to compromise, so i am not necessarily looking for someone who makes my hesrt stop. I know myself well enough to know that that person is a 1 in a million person anyway so even if they exist the chance of me meeting them is minute much less then feeling the same. I get the impression that guys generally have this outlook while women will hold out for Mr Absolutely Perfect no matter what and it does come down to options because if you know as a woman that you have easy access to potential suitors you know you can afford to wait. It stands to reason that if you live in a small rural town with a limited dating pool that 'spark' is not going to be the be all and end all, for example.

 

I disagree. I can't speak for other women obviously, but I know from experience that I would rather be alone than with a man I wasn't attracted to. I just can't bring myself to have sex with someone who doesn't turn me on - I've tried it and it doesn't work - for me or him. Men have a funny habit of wanting to feel desired!

[most_distant_galaxy]

I feel chemistry when the interactions with a man are interesting and stimulating. It has nothing to do with mutual interests. Its kind of unexplainable and magic!

[ThaWholigan]

Chemistry can't really be created, but it comes as a consequence of building ones character, personality (and physique to an extent) and then meeting people who resonate with that character whom you have grown to become.

 

I've had physical chemistry with girls, almost explosive - one threatened to become serious but she got a BF before it ever did. But generally, it came as a consequence of having worked on myself and how I related to others. That means being empathetic to their POV and feelings, and being able to read the subtext of their words too. That was how I was even ale to get to a stage where any physical attraction could be acted on.

 

None of this matters if you aint about sh-t. Decent, but bland/glib guys with not a lot about them only have chemistry with women who are just as bland/glib - who are in pretty short supply. No offence to bland people . Its hard even for an average person to be so bland - most people can have more things about their lives that draw people to them.

 

Its not a masculine/feminine thing either. For all the talk about men lacking masculinity, I've seen enough men who are either effeminate or embody classic feminine traits and still do well with women (and no, they weren't all Sean O'Pry lookalikes ).

 

But yeah.

[somedude81]

I'm trying to understand what chemistry is.

 

For some reason I feel that I have a lot of chemistry with my math tutor. Interacting with her is so fun. We are always laughing together, and I made her blush when she was talking about makeup with another girl, she said something like "... I never wear makeup" Then I asked looking straight at her, "Yeah I don't get why girls wear makeup when they are already cute."

 

But she has a boyfriend. So most likely she thinks absolutely nothing of our interactions though I know that she spends a hell of a lot more time talking to me than anybody else when she's working. If she was single I would have asked her out, and probably gotten rejected.

 

At least today I was practicing flirting with her and the other girl. She's not working tomorrow but other girls are and I'll practice on them as well. Of course my only goal for flirting with them is to make them smile

[organizedchaos]

I'm trying to understand what chemistry is.

 

For some reason I feel that I have a lot of chemistry with my math tutor. Interacting with her is so fun. We are always laughing together, and I made her blush when she was talking about makeup with another girl, she said something like "... I never wear makeup" Then I asked looking straight at her, "Yeah I don't get why girls wear makeup when they are already cute."

 

But she has a boyfriend. So most likely she thinks absolutely nothing of our interactions though I know that she spends a hell of a lot more time talking to me than anybody else when she's working. If she was single I would have asked her out, and probably gotten rejected.

 

At least today I was practicing flirting with her and the other girl. She's not working tomorrow but other girls are and I'll practice on them as well. Of course my only goal for flirting with them is to make them smile

 

Then you didn't have it with your gf, which would explain the short shelf life of the relationship.

 

But you're learning. It's when things naturally "click" with someone. That's why it can't be faked or inspired. Because chemistry can only be real when you both are being real. Once you stop being real, someone will start to get a funny feeling that something's off, or they're not feeling it anymore. And you get dumped. You can't keep up the persona of chemistry forever, so the truth will come out sooner or later if it's not real.

 

You can date someone where the chemistry is lacking, but attraction is there, but it won't last long.

 

I've been on both sides of the equation. Broken up with girls who I'm attracted to, but not feeling the chemistry. And have been dumped by girls who after a certain period of time, said they weren't feeling it either.

[somedude81]

Oh I most definitely had chemistry with my ex.

 

That was a on a completely different level than what I'm feeling with any girls I'm writing about. But that can't be the level of chemistry that women are talking about when they are just flirting around for fun and makes them interested in a guy.

 

There have been a few girls that I've felt that I clicked with this semester but that feeling isn't mutual and that's what I'm getting confused on.

[xxoo]

Oh I most definitely had chemistry with my ex.

 

That was a on a completely different level than what I'm feeling with any girls I'm writing about. But that can't be the level of chemistry that women are talking about when they are just flirting around for fun and makes them interested in a guy.

 

There have been a few girls that I've felt that I clicked with this semester but that feeling isn't mutual and that's what I'm getting confused on.

 

You may have to date a few women before you know what chemistry is like. This is true for women, too, who might not experience it until they've dated a few guys. A woman who feels chemistry as I think of chemistry will have a high desire for sex.

 

And yes, chemistry can absolutely be very strong with a new person. It's the thing that draws you together before intimacy and commitment factor in.

[trippi1432]

Oh I most definitely had chemistry with my ex.

 

That was a on a completely different level than what I'm feeling with any girls I'm writing about. But that can't be the level of chemistry that women are talking about when they are just flirting around for fun and makes them interested in a guy.

 

There have been a few girls that I've felt that I clicked with this semester but that feeling isn't mutual and that's what I'm getting confused on.

 

 

No, chemistry isn't just for fun or what makes them interested with a guy. Chemistry is a gut feeling you experience............and it's not that YOU have to create it, but you do have to be a party to it.

[somedude81]

You may have to date a few women before you know what chemistry is like. This is true for women, too, who might not experience it until they've dated a few guys.

 

Yeah I would love to date a woman few women to know what chemistry is like. But without knowing about chemistry, how am I going to attract women to date me?

 

A woman who feels chemistry as I think of chemistry will have a high desire for sex.

 

And yes, chemistry can absolutely be very strong with a new person. It's the thing that draws you together before intimacy and commitment factor in.

 

Woman want have a high desire to sleep with a guy before they go on a date?

 

This is where I'm getting confused.

 

Once my ex and I had our first kiss, the sexual chemistry was very strong from then on and just kept building.

 

But I don't understand having that level of chemistry with a girl I haven't kissed yet.

 

What is the starting point?

[SteveC80]

Chemistry= physical attraction and compatibility not the made for TV **** women are saying

[somedude81]

 

I think it's more about the "vibe"... how two people interact, their body language, how their personalities mix. As another poster said, it's the "flow". And there are so many variables depending on that specific couple, so it's impossible to pinpoint the exact behavior that creates the "chemistry" feeling.

 

I think I understand the vibe. We're both laughing and having a good time.

 

It's when I'm interacting with a girl and things are just fun between us.

 

But there is nothing remotely sexual going on.

 

I don't think there is any way to guarantee chemistry, but I think there are certainly things guys can do, or not do, to be more appealing to women. Anything that seems scripted or unnatural, will totally break the "flow". This is why I think a lot PUA stuff doesn't work for many guys, because they just aren't comfortable with it and it comes off as unnatural or phony.

 

Yeah I tried PUA myself and was very unnatural to me. It just wasn't who I am.

 

I do think there are guys out there that had trouble with this, and then eventually had better luck as they gained more experience and learned what women respond to. I think most women think chemistry is effortless, but we may not be completely right about this. I think there are definitely men that consciously do things to create chemistry, that do work. I have seen many guys who aren't good looking or tall or exceptionally charming do well with women.

 

I definitely do believe that chemistry can be created. There are things that guys can do to make women respond positively to them. It's not really a skill that guys are born with, but something they learn how to do through experience as you said.

 

I'm just trying to figure out how to start.

 

I think the friends first approach backfires because the "chemistry" is usually felt from the start. In most cases, there is just a small window after you meet her to try to inspire the chemistry. Once she sees you as a friend, it takes the sexual component out of it for her, and that is the last thing you want.

 

Any idea how small that window is?

 

Preferably I would do the friends first thing, but that has failed over and over for me. So now I'm trying to move very quickly with women, but that isn't working either.

[GravityMan]

I'm with those who believe that chemistry is either there or it isn't. You can't create it or force it. It's innate, a vibe, a gut feeling. I also don't think chemistry is meant to be well understood...scientifically or otherwise...although many men and women easily recognize it when they feel it...especially those who have prior experience with dating and relationships. And others nearby can often tell when there are sparks flying between two people. It can be quite obvious sometimes, even when one or both people are downplaying it.

 

Chemistry is simply meant to "be" (or not to be).

 

Self-improvement probably won't make it any more likely for some specific woman to feel chemistry towards you. That is one big reason why many people advise to keep it simple...just be yourself, have a life, a positive attitude and interact with people. The rest will come naturally over time...whether it's one week, 4 months, whatever. Self-improvement has the positive side-effect of making you more attractive in a compatibility sense to a greater percentage of the opposite sex. Compatibility is completely different from chemistry.

 

People who are very charming are in a better position chemistry-wise...however, IMO many people are not all that charming, and yet nearly everyone experiences chemistry with at least one person in their life. I also doubt that charm can be fully learned. Maybe it's a learned skill to an extent...but I think charm is much more of an art and an innate talent. Similar to charisma and one's sense of humor. It falls more into the "it comes naturally & you either got it or you don't" bucket. The "learning" part is more about refining what you already naturally possess. There is also the concept of the "it" factor...as in, that person just has "it". The sort of man or woman that you sense quickly that there's a powerful and special deep quality about him, although on the surface he doesn't look much different from others. Those people tend to have easy, effortless charm and many of them tend to have natural leadership qualities. Others are drawn to them like bees to honey.

 

Chemistry is one of those things that you don't have any control over, so I think it's pointless to worry much about it.

[Lani]

I think I understand the vibe. We're both laughing and having a good time.

 

It's when I'm interacting with a girl and things are just fun between us.

 

But there is nothing remotely sexual going on.

 

 

 

Yeah I tried PUA myself and was very unnatural to me. It just wasn't who I am.

 

 

 

I definitely do believe that chemistry can be created. There are things that guys can do to make women respond positively to them. It's not really a skill that guys are born with, but something they learn how to do through experience as you said.

 

I'm just trying to figure out how to start.

 

 

 

Any idea how small that window is?

 

Preferably I would do the friends first thing, but that has failed over and over for me. So now I'm trying to move very quickly with women, but that isn't working either.

 

Because you're not actually 'friends' with anyone.. you're just buttering them up until they either let you get your paws on them, or they are forced to tell you flat out they're not interested.

 

I don't know how many times we have to tell you that women can tell an ulterior motive.

 

As for chemistry- you're just not getting it.

You're never going to get it.

Because you don't really want to.