What is chemistry, and how does a guy inspire it?

[somedude81]

SD- remember in your other thread you were talking about how much you liked busy girl, but couldn't explain why? You just felt it. Knew you liked her but didn't exactly know why you did so much when you knew so little?

THAT is chemistry.

There is no explanation.

It is what it is. And it's either there or it's not.

 

Actually no.

 

Quiet Storm already covered that

 

Men are often satisfied with "we get along, we like the same music, we laugh together, she's attractive, we both want the same things in life"- they see a potential match based on those reasons alone. So they think, if she just gives me a chance, she'll like me.

 

That's how I feel about busy girl. Busy girl could think the same exact thing about me, but she doesn't want to date me. It's not enough for her.

[Toodaloo]

Don't panic Somedude - you will get there and if you just keep going a bit longer you may well have that "light bulb" a bit quicker.

 

One day those little flutters you have will turn into something more with a very special person.

[Gloria25]

I think chemistry is something that cannot be explained...it's there or it's not.

 

That's why on OLD, I push for a meet in person as soon as possible because it's too easy to look good on paper (or profile in OLD...lol).

 

I mean, recently I heard someone ask sort of a "chicken before the egg" question about an interviewer and interviewee. The interviewer was criticizing the interviewee for his conduct during the interview, and the interviewee came back with something like 'a good/skilled interviewer knows how to bring out the best in the interviewee (i.e. how the interviewer asks questions, charisma, etc.)

 

Yes, I think if you have certain interpersonal skills you can create chemistry - but still, there has to be that "spark". People have to "click". Now, even in cases where no one is intentionally trying to create chemistry - it still happens cuz we all have our values, traits, personality, character - we oooooze it. When we come across someone who likes what/who we are - they pick up on it - like animal instinct. You're letting of a smell they desire. So, you can be in a crowd of 100 people and only one or two are pulled in to you - why? Cuz you got what they want - there's the chemistry.

 

Like with my crush, not many words are said, but I get giddy when I'm around him. It's that "je ne sais quoi"...there's just something that I want/like and chemistry is there.

[d0nnivain]

PUA is for men what The Rules are for women. You can't follow either as gospel but if you can glean a few kernels of self confidence & self respect from the techniques you will be better off.

 

Somedude . . . chemistry is not something you can generate but you can improve your overall confidence & your ability to generate romance out of thin air.

 

Do you do romantic gallant things, like open doors & hold out chairs? You already dance. I can't believe that doesn't set a romance mood. Do you stare into your partners' eyes & make her feel like she is the only girl in the world?

 

I suspect that you may oblivious. I had a dear friend who was very handsome but shy & a bit geeky. He confessed to me that women don't find him attractive. I was floored when he said that to me. I said well of course you don't get hit on where we're out together because they all think you're with me.

 

A few days later I dragged him to bar / club. We usually went to bars where we could talk but I wanted to be his wing-woman. We weren't in the club 10 minutes when I spotted a least 5 women drooling over him. He swore nobody in the club was even looking his way. He wouldn't make a move & he didn't believe me.

 

A few days later we went to a different club this time with my BF who was a true ladies man & a Player with a capital P (except he was faithful). While I spotted about 5-6 women who were eyeing my friend, my BF found closer to 20. The ones I saw were the most obvious & my BF assure my friend that those few were the type who'd do him in the bathroom if he played his cards right. My naive buddy was flabbergasted. We had him pick the one he found most interesting but he was too nervous to talk to her so I broke the ice. They dated for several months until my friend met the woman who is now his wife.

 

Perhaps you need a wing woman to point out what you are missing / doing wrong.

[Anela]

Actually no.

 

Quiet Storm already covered that

 

 

 

That's how I feel about busy girl. Busy girl could think the same exact thing about me, but she doesn't want to date me. It's not enough for her.

 

You can't speak for *all* men, and Lani's view of things is just as valid as Quiet Storm's.

[Standard-Fare]

Agree with everyone that chemistry is intangible, mysterious, and impossible to create out of thin air. However, you can do things to encourage the RECOGNITION of chemistry.

 

For example, if you're attracted to someone and it seems like they don't notice you/care about you... you can certainly flirt and interact in a way that could get them to notice you. So if there's latent chemistry there, they'd finally realize it.

 

MOST IMPORTANT: Make eye contact, let them see that spark in your eye that you have for them. See if you get a spark back. It's ALL about the spark in the eye.

[somedude81]

PUA is for men what The Rules are for women. You can't follow either as gospel but if you can glean a few kernels of self confidence & self respect from the techniques you will be better off.

 

 

Do you do romantic gallant things, like open doors & hold out chairs? You already dance. I can't believe that doesn't set a romance mood. Do you stare into your partners' eyes & make her feel like she is the only girl in the world?

 

Yeah I open doors, though I'm just polite. Staring into my partners eyes, not so much. I don't want to be creepy.

 

I suspect that you may oblivious. I had a dear friend who was very handsome but shy & a bit geeky. He confessed to me that women don't find him attractive. I was floored when he said that to me. I said well of course you don't get hit on where we're out together because they all think you're with me.

 

A few days later I dragged him to bar / club. We usually went to bars where we could talk but I wanted to be his wing-woman. We weren't in the club 10 minutes when I spotted a least 5 women drooling over him. He swore nobody in the club was even looking his way. He wouldn't make a move & he didn't believe me.

 

A few days later we went to a different club this time with my BF who was a true ladies man & a Player with a capital P (except he was faithful). While I spotted about 5-6 women who were eyeing my friend, my BF found closer to 20. The ones I saw were the most obvious & my BF assure my friend that those few were the type who'd do him in the bathroom if he played his cards right. My naive buddy was flabbergasted. We had him pick the one he found most interesting but he was too nervous to talk to her so I broke the ice. They dated for several months until my friend met the woman who is now his wife.

 

That's a great story.

 

I may or may not be oblivious. I am asking out women and getting rejected, and these are by girls that I thought could be interested in me. So possibly I don't know what the signs of interest are and I'm asking out the wrong girls.

 

Somedude . . . chemistry is not something you can generate but you can improve your overall confidence & your ability to generate romance out of thin air.

 

How is generating romance out of thin air different than generating chemistry? They seem to be the exact same thing.

 

You said that your boyfriend is a ladies man and a Player. What makes him that way? Isn't it because he knows how to generate chemistry with women?

 

Perhaps you need a wing woman to point out what you are missing / doing wrong.

 

Yup. For a long time I thought it would be cool to get a wing woman. Though how would I do that?

[StanMusial]

Chemistry is when the female goes in heat and chemical reactions are generated in her hormones.

[rester]

Yup. For a long time I thought it would be cool to get a wing woman. Though how would I do that?

 

That's what friends are for. How many times do we need to go over this?

[MissBee]

In my experience when I've felt chemistry with someone I don't think it was anything they consciously did that made me feel that way.

 

I don't think they approached me or interacted with me with a step by step guide in their minds of how to do it, likewise, as a woman, when a man has come to feel particular things for me, I've not done anything I can point to which makes him feel that way.

 

I truly think it exists or doesn't and is simply about two people clicking and getting along where you just want to know more about the person. Yes being charming, funny, considerate, sweet, witty and the rest helps. I think certainly men I've felt that way with had the ability to make me laugh and smile a lot as any kind of common denominator. But they were all different people with different types of looks and traits and something about our interaction just worked and made me hungry for me.

 

Meanwhile other men, they may have done nothing wrong per se, but things felt off or dry or awkward or just neutral. So sorry can't really give a recipe for creating chemistry as I've never consciously tried to do it.

[somedude81]

That's what friends are for. How many times do we need to go over this?

 

She would have to either be ugly or unavailable or else I'd want to sleep with her, and the friendship wouldn't work out.

 

Also I'm not sure how a friendship would actually form with a woman like that.

[Got it]

She would have to either be ugly or unavailable or else I'd want to sleep with her, and the friendship wouldn't work out.

 

Also I'm not sure how a friendship would actually form with a woman like that.

 

Maybe your problem is you have no idea how to actually be FRIENDS with a female. You need to know how to have a platonic relationship before you can have a romantic one. A romantic relationship has many of the same aspects.

 

Women are not some alien form sent here to frustrate you. We are just like you. We come in peace.

[OwMyEyeball]

Neuroscience, biochemistry, psychology, spirituality, philosophy and other intellectual disciplines could give you a lifetime worth of material and knowledge on "chemistry" or romance.

 

And you won't be one single step closer to understanding it.

 

They're understood through experience. Problem for so many seems to be that they're too self-absorbed in mind to allow for that experience to even be felt.

 

Chemistry, or any deeper level of interpersonal bonding, for you will be what it is for you. It's entirely subjective. You'll know it when you feel it. But you will never allow yourself to feel it if you don't get out of your own head.

[somedude81]

Maybe your problem is you have no idea how to actually be FRIENDS with a female. You need to know how to have a platonic relationship before you can have a romantic one. A romantic relationship has many of the same aspects.

 

Women are not some alien form sent here to frustrate you. We are just like you. We come in peace.

 

LOL, I know how to be friends with women. I have had lots of platonic female friends.

 

The problem comes that when I start getting closer to a platonic female friend, if she is attractive, I will want to sleep with her. I cannot help that.

 

That's why I can't see myself actually becoming close enough to a female friend to have her want to be a wing woman. Most of my friendships with women have ended because I wanted them. And since they never felt any chemistry for me, the friendship ended.

[d0nnivain]

Are there any women in your life . . . even a sister or female cousin?

 

Chemistry is a heat / lust thing. Romance are things you can control. Getting lost in someone's eyes is not creepy; it's magical.

 

You can have all the romance in the world, beautiful setting, champagne, roses, perfect music but if you are with the wrong person it won't be magical. Similarly if you have chemistry you could be in the middle of a crowded street & not notice anything except your partner.

 

My EX-BF the Player was usually well dressed, very flirty, quick witted, able to make people feel at ease, and extremely attentive to women --all women, gorgeous ones & plain, short, tall, thin over weight -- it didn't matter. If she was female & breathing he'd flirt with her & had the ability to make her feel like the only woman in the world. It drove my friends nut that he was such a flirty boy but it rarely bothered me. I always knew he was going home with me & no matter how much he was flirting with some other women, even from the other side of the room he could make me feel like -- & them all know -- that I was numero uno. Ironically many times when women didn't know they would assume my shy geeky friend was my BF because we spent so much time chatting while my BF worked the room; they thought he (my flirty BF who often wasn't payment much attention to me ) was my buddy. It was an odd dynamic.

[sillyanswer]

Can a guy learn how to create chemistry? If so, how?

 

If I can loosely define chemistry as that which allures another person then could I also be so bold as to rephrase the question as "how can I become more attractive?" and then take a small step to suggest that you've received this sort of advice in many of your previous threads. So, you tell us... is it something someone can learn?

[somedude81]

Are there any women in your life . . . even a sister or female cousin?

 

I wish I had a sister. It probably would have helped me immensely. But nope, I have two brothers.

 

I have three female cousins though I only saw them at family gatherings.

 

Chemistry is a heat / lust thing. Romance are things you can control. Getting lost in someone's eyes is not creepy; it's magical.

 

You can have all the romance in the world, beautiful setting, champagne, roses, perfect music but if you are with the wrong person it won't be magical. Similarly if you have chemistry you could be in the middle of a crowded street & not notice anything except your partner.

 

OK, it sounds like romance is something that should be reserved for people one has chemistry with.

 

What did you mean by generate romance out of thin air?

 

 

My EX-BF the Player was usually well dressed, very flirty, quick witted, able to make people feel at ease, and extremely attentive to women --all women, gorgeous ones & plain, short, tall, thin over weight -- it didn't matter. If she was female & breathing he'd flirt with her & had the ability to make her feel like the only woman in the world. It drove my friends nut that he was such a flirty boy but it rarely bothered me. I always knew he was going home with me & no matter how much he was flirting with some other women, even from the other side of the room he could make me feel like -- & them all know -- that I was numero uno.

 

Hmm. That sounds like something I should aspire to.

 

From what you wrote, I feel like I'm the opposite of your ex. I am extremely selective with who I flirt with, and a big part of that is that I'm completely unsure of myself and if my flirting would be appreciated or not. I also flirt with a goal in mind.

 

Ironically many times when women didn't know they would assume my shy geeky friend was my BF because we spent so much time chatting while my BF worked the room; they thought he (my flirty BF who often wasn't payment much attention to me ) was my buddy. It was an odd dynamic.

 

Hah, that does sound odd.

 

I feel like I can relate to your shy geeky friend, since that's pretty much what I am. Unfortunately I'm not very handsome so what worked for him won't work for me.

[somedude81]

If I can loosely define chemistry as that which allures another person then could I also be so bold as to rephrase the question as "how can I become more attractive?" and then take a small step to suggest that you've received this sort of advice in many of your previous threads. So, you tell us... is it something someone can learn?

 

There is more to it than that.

 

Chemistry is all about how one interacts with women and how one makes them feel.

 

A guy can be homeless and unemployed, yet sleep in a new woman's bed every night if he knew how to work chemistry.

[xxoo]

LOL, I know how to be friends with women. I have had lots of platonic female friends.

 

The problem comes that when I start getting closer to a platonic female friend, if she is attractive, I will want to sleep with her. I cannot help that.

 

That's why I can't see myself actually becoming close enough to a female friend to have her want to be a wing woman. Most of my friendships with women have ended because I wanted them. And since they never felt any chemistry for me, the friendship ended.

 

The problem is not that you wanted to sleep with them (most guys probably want to sleep with their female friends). The problem is that you became hyperfocused on that one woman and treated her like a love object rather than a friend.

 

You need to befriend some social people and see how they interact.

[d0nnivain]

Forget flirting as a goal to get a woman to go out with you. Practice flirting with the goal of making the other person smile.

 

Not all flirting has to lead to sex / relationships.

 

As you get better at it, you will learn when to press for more, perhaps as for a date & when to just leave it be.

 

For example, just because I flirted with the valet who brought me my car doesn't mean I'm about to cheat on my husband with him.

 

You create romance out of thin air by being chivalrous, focusing attention on the other person & touching them.

 

I was bummed about something & my then BF the player rushed home from where ever he was. . . beating my by about 20 minutes which was unusual. he had pushed the dining room table out of the way, turned on some tunes, ordered delivery & lit some candles. When I walked in the house he grabbed me & we started dancing. It was so sweet . . . out of no where . .. it truly made me feel better.

[clia]

I don't think you can create chemistry with someone. It's either there or it isn't.

[sillyanswer]

There is more to it than that.

 

Chemistry is all about how one interacts with women and how one makes them feel.

 

And your other threads, or others you have read here, have never touched on the topic of interacting with women? Seems unlikely!

[somedude81]

Forget flirting as a goal to get a woman to go out with you. Practice flirting with the goal of making the other person smile.

 

Not all flirting has to lead to sex / relationships.

 

As you get better at it, you will learn when to press for more, perhaps as for a date & when to just leave it be.

 

For example, just because I flirted with the valet who brought me my car doesn't mean I'm about to cheat on my husband with him.

 

"Practice flirting with the goal of making the other person smile. " That's such a completely different mindset from what I have. Though I do like it.

 

I'll need to think about it and see how I can work it in.

 

You create romance out of thin air by being chivalrous, focusing attention on the other person & touching them.

 

I was bummed about something & my then BF the player rushed home from where ever he was. . . beating my by about 20 minutes which was unusual. he had pushed the dining room table out of the way, turned on some tunes, ordered delivery & lit some candles. When I walked in the house he grabbed me & we started dancing. It was so sweet . . . out of no where . .. it truly made me feel better.

 

That sounds really cool.

 

I've done something like that too with my ex. Randomly started dancing with her in the living room.

 

Romance isn't hard.

 

Once I have the girl, chemistry and romance is easy. Everything is natural. I think it's because I know that she likes me so I don't hold myself back. I just do what I want.

 

Trying to create chemistry with a girl that I'm unsure about how she feels about me is much more difficult.

[xxoo]

Hmm. That sounds like something I should aspire to.

 

From what you wrote, I feel like I'm the opposite of your ex. I am extremely selective with who I flirt with, and a big part of that is that I'm completely unsure of myself and if my flirting would be appreciated or not. I also flirt with a goal in mind.

 

This is something I've recommended to you many times before. Flirt with EVERY woman: young, old, fat, thin, pretty, ugly, whatever.

 

My husband can charm anyone. Every woman loves him. He's mine, and I have no jealousies, but women are simply putty in his hands: my mom, the crazy neighbor across the street, his BOSS....everyone. Everyone except our daughter But her friends love him!

[xxoo]

One more thought on flirting: it will build your confidence to that many, many small risks (really small if you aren't even attracted to the 80 year old lady) and get positive feedback. Progressively take bigger risks with the new confidence, and a positive feedback loop will occur.

 

The trick of charm, as I said above, it to make each person feel really interesting and special. To do that, you genuinely have to be interested, and it can't be about wanting to get something from them.

 

In the end, the real trick may to sincerely enjoy interacting with people for the experience of that interaction, without any agenda, and that coming across. These are difficult things to fake.