26 years married 32 years together over

[chew123]

Road,

 

To me it is meaningless. Her actions speak much louder then her words. in my opinion she does not care about the hurt she caused me, just about the guilt she feels about it.

 

Nol, Steen,

 

Yes she is very nice and I think she gets my situation. I have no idea where we will end up, but I will always be grateful that she came along when she did. She was the leaver in her divorce(no cheating though) and she does seem to understand the grieving process.

 

Steen,

 

My son is ok with my EX. Divorce was final this week. And he will deal with the new guy in his own way. He is 19 and really independent(college a few states away) so he is pretty insulated. If the ex sticks with the guy, I suspect he will accept him eventually. Not embrace but accept. And thats ok with me. I am just glad he is 19 and not younger.

[Steen719]

My son was 20 when it went down. I actually went to a psychologist to discuss what to tell him. He was continually asking - either instinctively knew or heard or figured it out. This was the 2nd time XH had cheated on me, but he was 7 at the first time and didn't know what was going on other than dad wanted to leave. I finally told him (psychologist was in favor of telling him) and he was not surprised, but so disappointed in his father. There were other things about XH's personality and demeanor that bothered him - talking at him instead of with him, always being right, lying about stupid stuff, acting more than he was and those are just the simple ones, that made my son have issues with him anyway.

 

Anyway, son wanted me to leave, wanted me to divorce him, wanted me to be happy and when XH became so verbally abusive that my family and friends became concerned for me, he implored me to move out and helped me find a place to live. For the first year I was gone, XH never once checked to see if I needed anything (after me caring for him through an illness and transplant and so much more) and hardly bothered with my son, not even coming 4 hours to see him on Father's day. I took him out to dinner.

 

So, my situation is different from yours. My son was also away at college, but only 5 hours and he had a pretty difficult year that year. It sounds as if it will be better for your son. I have grieved for my son - probably more than he has. I feel guilt about it, even though he says not to.

 

All around, it is not fun and affects us for the rest of our lives. However, things do get better and we move on.

[chew123]

Steen

 

That sounds rough. I think this is my wife's exit affair so it has not been an ongoing situation. (as far as I know). And she has not been abusive aside from the lying about the affair and that really does not affect him. And since he was away at college and we did not tell him til he got home for Christmas he missed my fetal position stage. lol I think that is what is helping him, he never saw me when I was outwardly hurting.

 

We still go out to dinner together if he is home for a break or something and we are both careful not to discuss anything volatile. Though I hate to give her any credit she does deserve some for the way, she has dealt with him thus far. And she seems to have backed off on the introduction for a little while so that is good also. Her biggest concern, besides herself of course is preserving her relationship with our son. And honestly that is one of my concerns also. He knows the truth and likes to be informed on what is going on with us, but he will always love and care for his mother, and that is a good thing. To be honest, once he became a teenager, its almost like he was the parent and she was the child anyway.

 

And you definitely should not feel guilty. Sounds like you did the best you could under the circumstances.

 

And I do know things get better. though it will never go away, I am lightyears away from 5 months ago. I look forward to things now. Going to play this afternoon with new girl and friends.

[ArtIsMyThing]

Chew - thankyou. I just sat and read your entire thread and took the blinders off my own eyes

 

In 17 days is my divorce after 13 months of being apart.

 

My life is good - my heart is healing but silly me is still so stupidly sad and depressed. He is not the man i married and not the man i loved.

 

Your thread and your words made me feel so much better about myself.

 

I hope your doing good.

[chew123]

Art,

 

thanks I am doing ok. Many more good days then bad.

 

And yes, once you take the blinders off and see them for what they really were, it does help.

 

Good luck with everything

[ArtIsMyThing]

Thankyou Chew and to you too love

[chew123]

Question for those of you who have been on this board for a while. While I know everyone's comments have been very helpful to my situation, I am starting to think it is time for me to take a break. At this point I am divorced and just need to focus on moving forward, and I may be spending too much time reading about people's divorces, reading chumplady etc. I think it may be time to only focus only on the positives in my life and leave this whole situation behind.

 

Do you think by reading and commenting on other peoples situations I could be slowing my recovery?

[Hope Shimmers]

Question for those of you who have been on this board for a while. While I know everyone's comments have been very helpful to my situation, I am starting to think it is time for me to take a break. At this point I am divorced and just need to focus on moving forward, and I may be spending too much time reading about people's divorces, reading chumplady etc. I think it may be time to only focus only on the positives in my life and leave this whole situation behind.

 

Do you think by reading and commenting on other peoples situations I could be slowing my recovery?

 

Yes, very possible (and despite the date listed on my profile, I've been here for many years). I have taken several breaks over the years for significant periods of time. I always knew when it was time, like you do. It can slow your recovery when you need to focus on moving forward. Just my opinion.

[Mr. Lucky]

Do you think by reading and commenting on other peoples situations I could be slowing my recovery?

 

Agree with HS, that can be the case. Some find posting therapeutic, some find the memories and feelings it dredges up to be traumatic. To each his own.

 

There are times I get depressed posting here. The river of pain inflicted on those we (supposedly) love seems unrelenting and there's a discouraging sameness to the acts and problems, feels like we were all married to the same WS. That's when I know to back off, sometimes for months.

 

Do what feels right ...

 

Mr. Lucky

[LifeNomad]

Question for those of you who have been on this board for a while. While I know everyone's comments have been very helpful to my situation, I am starting to think it is time for me to take a break. At this point I am divorced and just need to focus on moving forward, and I may be spending too much time reading about people's divorces, reading chumplady etc. I think it may be time to only focus only on the positives in my life and leave this whole situation behind.

 

Do you think by reading and commenting on other peoples situations I could be slowing my recovery?

 

 

 

Hi Chew I asked myself this a while back and well its possible it could slow it but its possible it can help, its possible it can slow it because it brings back the memories of what you went thru, but its possible it can help because you realize your not the only one going thru it.

 

 

for me I continue coming to read others posts and give advice or opinions, in your case I would say since you had a lot of time invested in your marriage you would greatly be of help to others that may feel hopeless when they start the breakdown/divorce process, however it will continually bring those memories of what you went thru.

 

 

I guess it comes down to how you manage those feelings & memories, if you can manage them and process them in a controlled manner its probably good, but if you start getting teary eyed or crying then its probably bad.

 

 

Either way im sorry to say but your post was one of the ones that helped me remember and remind myself im not the only one and things could've been worse for me, since I was only 13 years in the hole as they say.

[chew123]

So I am doing pretty good, get home from a nice weekend. I get this text from my ex obviously meant for her affair partner now boyfriend. "In bed, how is the love of my life doing" followed by " oops sorry". We were together 35 friggin years. He is now the love of her life.

 

I responded "way to twist the knife" . Probably should not have responded at all. I immediately knew the message was not for me, but come on. I have remained respectful and civil thru this whole crappy situation but this really hurt me.

 

Wish I could block her from my phone but can't really since we share a son. But I have to tell you, this set me back a bit and I am really po right now.

 

Going to meditate and chill out. I will feel better tomorrow. Gotta get to the point where this stuff does not bother me.

[Mr. Lucky]

Low blow, no doubt about. File this one away in case she ever comes knocking and you're even slightly tempted...

 

Mr. Lucky

[minimariah]

oh, it was for you.

 

she wanted a reaction - as simple as that. i don't believe... not even for a second, that she sent THAT EXACT message to you by accident. i don't believe her & she needs more people.

 

so you can at least find some comfort in the fact that she clearly isn't happy - truly happy folks don't have the need to do all the things she did/is doing to you. not saying that her misery should be something that will make you happy, but you get my point.

 

next time - ignore, ignore and ignore.

one day a time, keep it up... you'll be just okay, you'll see.

[chew123]

Mini,

 

Thanks for the comment. I really do think she did it by mistake but you may be right. Does not really matter either way. And I know I will be just fine, I am pretty okay now but still have buttons that can be pushed.

 

And though this hurt me and brought me back to the anger stage for an hour or so, it does help me realize how far gone she is from the person I used to know.

 

Mr Lucky,

 

You are absolutely right. I will be saving this conversation as a reminder of who she really is and probably always has been. She will never try and come back, I am sure of that. But I have been maintaining a too friendly relationship in my opinion. Time to get back to business only. Close up the few remaining financial issues and then no more contact except for things related to my son.

 

Actually, this will probably help me get to not giving a crap about her sooner. I actually thought I was pretty close already, obviously if a simple text can get to me I am not there yet.

 

Thanks for the responses, I really had to get this one off my chest.

[Mr. Lucky]

Mr Lucky,

 

You are absolutely right. I will be saving this conversation as a reminder of who she really is and probably always has been. She will never try and come back, I am sure of that. But I have been maintaining a too friendly relationship in my opinion. Time to get back to business only. Close up the few remaining financial issues and then no more contact except for things related to my son.

 

Actually, this will probably help me get to not giving a crap about her sooner. I actually thought I was pretty close already, obviously if a simple text can get to me I am not there yet.

 

Thanks for the responses, I really had to get this one off my chest.

 

I thought the same thing under similar (affair and new BF) circumstances. Took two years but I eventually was approached by her sister stating the exW was "ready to try". I'd had enough incidents similar to what you've described that it was quick and easy to say "no"...

 

Mr. Lucky

[chew123]

Mr. Lucky,

 

I can't really see that happening but never say never. Good for you that you were in a place where you were ready to say no. I can say I am already there. Her lack of regard for me has been pretty horrific. Funny she still says she loves me. Her version of love is definitely not mine.

[KBarletta]

I tend to agree with minimariah that this was no accident, but you would probably know better. I guess it depends on how often she texts you and whether it would be an easy or difficult mistake to make. For me, I am extremely careful to a fault with texts and e-mails these days to make sure I don't make a mistake like this, but maybe not everyone is that careful.

[chew123]

KB,

 

She had just texted me. my name starts with Mi, his with Ma. And my friends have told me that she calls him my name by mistake. Does not matter but i do suspect an error however you guys may be right.

 

Either way no more contact except to clean up financials. Cold and businesslike. And I have to admit I have been letting a few items slide like her half of my sons health insurance and his phone. Only 100 dollars a month or so. You know what, I just informed her that she is to mail me the check each month due by the 30th.

 

The gloves are off. She has also been driving out spare car because hers is a convertible and not good in winter. I am taking the car back this weekend and selling it per the divorce agreement.

 

Honestly, this is all small money and does not mean anything to me. But the divorce was final 3 weeks ago and she is no longer getting a dime she is not entitled to.

 

We were also keeping the financial planner since he billed us the same rate whether married or not, unofficially agreed to keep him, however I don't really need him, only had him for her in case something happened to me when we were married. I am capable and comfortable of running my own portfolio. Getting rid of him now also, she can retain him on her own at double the cost or figure out what to do on her own.(Good luck).

 

I was slacking on these items. not to be nice just because I did not really care. Well you know what? I care now. She will no longer benefit from my financial laziness.

 

Whether the text was a mistake or not, it has nudged me back into action. So I guess it was a good thing overall.

[Yasuandio]

The "oops, sorry," showed her hand. There was a reason. There is always a reason for "contact."

 

Actually, Chew, it was pee-poor pathetic of her. She must really be having problems to find the need to surreptitiously broadcast such delusions:

 

[in bed, how is the love of my life doing]. What? Were they exchanging fortune cookie messages, and the text thread page suddenly changed to yours when she responded? DUH?

 

She shot herself in the foot. Keep up the good work. Yas

[Mr. Lucky]

I was slacking on these items. not to be nice just because I did not really care. Well you know what? I care now. She will no longer benefit from my financial laziness.

 

Whether the text was a mistake or not, it has nudged me back into action. So I guess it was a good thing overall.

 

Makes sense to address those items. Post divorce, interactions financial or otherwise should be directly tied to your shared children. Anything else, that's what one gives up when you walk away...

 

Mr. Lucky

[No Limit]

It wasn't a mistake, it was done on purpose. It's a highschool teenager move. And yes, you shouldn't have responded. A reaction means you still care, which is what she hopes for.

[chew123]

Well I definitely won't respond next time. Live and learn. I really do think it was a mistake though. She is really done with me. I was away for the weekend and she had a party at the house with her bf and some of her friends.

 

I can't imagine what the reason would be. Yes she did get a reaction, albeit one that has cost her money. I would have gotten to that sooner or later anyway.

 

I really don't know what the benefit for her would be to upset me further at this point. Unless like No Limit said she was checking if I would still react.

 

Many of you have given me such good advice in the past and been spot on so I guess I should consider that she may have done it on purpose. Ah well, does not really matter anyway. The game is over, for me anyway.

 

Thanks everybody, really had to vent on this one.

[No Limit]

It's also an ego thing for waywards, showing that they "won". If it's any consolation, the fact that she still spends most of her time alone shows how committed her OM is; give it some time... but don't react to drunk calls or crying, you'll receive lots of that.

[Yasuandio]

It wasn't a mistake, it was done on purpose. It's a highschool teenager move. And yes, you shouldn't have responded. A reaction means you still care, which is what she hopes for.

 

Exactly, Dot. As well, the fact she is is playing text games and "needs to know" if he cares, also demonstrates she still cares too!

 

Heed "No Limit's" warning. She will be boo-hoo at the door soon enough. Just give her enough rope, and change the locks.

 

Yas

[aliveagain]

They hate it when you get over them, they hate it when you get a girlfriend, they hate it when you move on, they hate it when your "give a fu*k" is maxed out. She still thinks your going to be her best friend. You deserve a holiday, somewhere you always wanted to go.