26 years married 32 years together over

[chew123]

Thought I would update on my situation. My son is home from college and we broke the news. And yes we told him the truth about the affair, though in as gentle a fashion as possible. He took it as well as can be expected and seems to be ok. It will take a while to see how he really adjusts but so far so good.

 

STBXW has finally started to tell her friends and relatives. Reaction has been pretty rough for her. Her family is upset she waited so long, as well as upset with the situation. Her father wanted me to slow down the process but I had to dash his hopes a but. It is new to them so I understand, but she has made her intentions clear.

 

I am doing ok, still cycling through the stages, but only when I get a trigger(like more details from her). Once my son goes back to college I will be back on full(almost) no contact so I expect to get back in better control.

 

I am feeling a little bad for my wife. I have a lot of plans coming up for the holidays and she does not have much going on. I am guessing the OM is busy for some reason.

 

I have a question for everybody. My family does Christmas Eve, hers does Christmas. I am no way going to hers for Christmas and sent my regrets. She is upset that I told her she is not invited to mine. She said she thought she would still stay part of my family since it has been 35 years and would still spend holidays etc with us. I think it is inappropriate for her to come since she is leaving me for another man. My family agrees, however none of us really care one way or the other including me. I am considering inviting her since she looks so pitiful and will probably spend it alone. Am I nuts?

[Mr. Lucky]

I'd consider it more seriously if your kids were younger and then only under the banner of keeping things together for them. But your son is an adult and your wife has made her choice. So for me would be a "no". As always, you should do those things that work for you and contribute to your recovery. Let us know how it goes either way...

 

Mr. Lucky

[chew123]

Mr. Lucky,

 

I agree with what you say and intellectually I believe you are right. And my son is definitely old enough to deal. Not sure why I feel the need to rescue her frrm being alone Christmas Eve. I guess after so many years of taking care of her, I can't turn it off.

 

thanks, I am going to think about it a little more. I actually have an appointment with my therapist tomorrow and I think I will bounce it off him also.

[beach]

If she goes everyone will be uncomfortable.

 

Why put all your family in that position to accommodate her feelings now? I wouldn't invite her.

 

She made that choice the minute she opened her legs - these are her consequences to her bad behavior. Let her suffer - she's earned it.

 

No better time than now to begin new traditions - think of your feelings now not hers.

[GirlStillStrong]

Thought I would update on my situation. My son is home from college and we broke the news. And yes we told him the truth about the affair, though in as gentle a fashion as possible. He took it as well as can be expected and seems to be ok. It will take a while to see how he really adjusts but so far so good.

 

STBXW has finally started to tell her friends and relatives. Reaction has been pretty rough for her. Her family is upset she waited so long, as well as upset with the situation. Her father wanted me to slow down the process but I had to dash his hopes a but. It is new to them so I understand, but she has made her intentions clear.

 

I am doing ok, still cycling through the stages, but only when I get a trigger(like more details from her). Once my son goes back to college I will be back on full(almost) no contact so I expect to get back in better control.

 

I am feeling a little bad for my wife. I have a lot of plans coming up for the holidays and she does not have much going on. I am guessing the OM is busy for some reason.

 

I have a question for everybody. My family does Christmas Eve, hers does Christmas. I am no way going to hers for Christmas and sent my regrets. She is upset that I told her she is not invited to mine. She said she thought she would still stay part of my family since it has been 35 years and would still spend holidays etc with us. I think it is inappropriate for her to come since she is leaving me for another man. My family agrees, however none of us really care one way or the other including me. I am considering inviting her since she looks so pitiful and will probably spend it alone. Am I nuts?

She clearly has not thought through her decision or the natural consequences of her actions. That's just crazy she actually thinks everyone is going to just continue Christmas, etc just like it has always been.

 

As for what you should do: Do what will make you feel good about yourself. Do the right thing. You already know what is the right thing for you to do.

[No Limit]

She said she thought she would still stay part of my family since it has been 35 years and would still spend holidays etc with us.

 

What drugs does she consume regularly, and what medicine does she take? Something combined might have had a very bad effect on her mind.

 

I am considering inviting her since she looks so pitiful and will probably spend it alone.

 

What drugs do you consume regularly, and what medicine do you take? Something combined might have had a very bad effect on your mind.

 

Seriously though. You two are not married anymore. Don't invite her over out of pity. She wouldn't give you the time of day at a single holler of OM. Just because he's busy with his other women right now doesn't mean you have to take care of his latest conquest.

[oldshirt]

 

I have a question for everybody. My family does Christmas Eve, hers does Christmas. I am no way going to hers for Christmas and sent my regrets.

 

that is fair and reasonable. They have the right to extend an invitation if they want and they have the right not to if they believe your presence would be disruptive or uncomfortable.

 

You have the right to decline an invitation if you feel your presence would be disruptive or uncomfortable for you. You are still obligated to decline graciously and respectfully though as it is your STBX that mistreated you and not her family.

 

 

She is upset that I told her she is not invited to mine.

 

just my $.02 worth, but whoever is hosting the event is responsible for the invitations. It's not really your call to tell her she is or is not invited. If they didn't invite her, they didn't invite her. If she didn't get an invitation, then she's not invited. You don't really need to be the messenger.

 

 

She said she thought she would still stay part of my family since it has been 35 years and would still spend holidays etc with us.

 

that is the price she pays for being a dick. They don't have the right to abuse or mistreat her or carry out any acts for the purposes of inflicting pain or torment, but they are not obligated to include her in family functions since she has abdicated her family status with them. In other words, she has torn up her family membership card by taking up with another man.

 

I think it is inappropriate for her to come since she is leaving me for another man. My family agrees, however none of us really care one way or the other including me.

 

then it is up to the host to extend the invitation or not. If they don't care enough to make the invitation, then that's how the cookie crumbles.

 

 

I am considering inviting her since she looks so pitiful and will probably spend it alone. Am I nuts?

 

 

Not nuts, but it's really not your place or any of your business to invite her. She is not your partner anymore and no longer a member of the family. Unless your invitation says, ",...plus one" it is not your place to invite her.

 

As far as her looking sad and pitifull - too bad, so sad. She was the one that let the family by her own decision and her own actions. Not being included in family functions is merely a result or those actions. All actions have consequences. Those are the consequences of riding another man.

 

 

See above.

[chew123]

Thanks everybody for the comments.

 

 

No Limit,

 

Clever, humorous and correct.

 

No invite.

[ralfgarnett]

Let the cheating harlet suffer in pain you don't deserve that and she has the morals of a sewer rat.

[chew123]

Time for an update. Divorce is filed, if she signs next week as she said she would it should be final around the first week in February. All in all she has been fair and I have been fair with the settlement and that process has gone smoothly. This is good because not only did we save money, we all saved additional bad feelings that would only damage us further, if that is possible.

 

Son is headed back to college soon and seems fine. I sent a friendly NC letter to my inlaws requesting NC for a while due to the circumstances. I received a thoughtful and respectful reply and we are NC for now.

 

Burned some pictures of us as a new years parting ritual. At the same time decided to stop talking about it to friends unless something new comes up. No need to dwell on it anymore. I have a therapist for that if needed, though I don't see him weekly anymore, more on an as needed basis.

 

STBEX and I have been mostly living together for the 6 weeks my son has been home so we could provide a view of how we would be in the future. We kept our contact minimal, but shared dinners with the 3 of us often and had a few family outings. Strange but since I have no desire for her to come back this has not been a problem. On the surface we got along as we always did. I think this was helpful to show him that we are all accepting of the situation and can still relate to each other civilly.

 

He leaves in a week and so does she for a while. While she is gone I will start to get the house ready for sale. This will be our last big hurdle and last time with extensive contact. Will be good to get it behind us.

 

I also have to decide where I am going to live. No rush as I can stay with my sister as long as needed, but I eventually need my own place. Kind of exciting to think about what I am going to do for the rest of my life.

 

One of the good things is that their were enough assets to split so we will both be able to succeed on our own without struggling too much. Will have to be a little careful but we should both be fine.

 

All in all, things are looking up for me. No, I am no way at the end of the tunnel but I can see the light now and I am definitely moving towards it.

 

Thanks again to everyone who has helped me on this forum, and to those who are behind me on this journey take heart, you will get to where you need to be.

[BlueIris]

Very admirable- pure class.

I'm glad you can see the light in the tunnel and I hope your journey is brighter every day.

[ralfgarnett]

Time for an update. Divorce is filed, if she signs next week as she said she would it should be final around the first week in February. All in all she has been fair and I have been fair with the settlement and that process has gone smoothly. This is good because not only did we save money, we all saved additional bad feelings that would only damage us further, if that is possible.

 

Son is headed back to college soon and seems fine. I sent a friendly NC letter to my inlaws requesting NC for a while due to the circumstances. I received a thoughtful and respectful reply and we are NC for now.

 

Burned some pictures of us as a new years parting ritual. At the same time decided to stop talking about it to friends unless something new comes up. No need to dwell on it anymore. I have a therapist for that if needed, though I don't see him weekly anymore, more on an as needed basis.

 

STBEX and I have been mostly living together for the 6 weeks my son has been home so we could provide a view of how we would be in the future. We kept our contact minimal, but shared dinners with the 3 of us often and had a few family outings. Strange but since I have no desire for her to come back this has not been a problem. On the surface we got along as we always did. I think this was helpful to show him that we are all accepting of the situation and can still relate to each other civilly.

 

He leaves in a week and so does she for a while. While she is gone I will start to get the house ready for sale. This will be our last big hurdle and last time with extensive contact. Will be good to get it behind us.

 

I also have to decide where I am going to live. No rush as I can stay with my sister as long as needed, but I eventually need my own place. Kind of exciting to think about what I am going to do for the rest of my life.

 

One of the good things is that their were enough assets to split so we will both be able to succeed on our own without struggling too much. Will have to be a little careful but we should both be fine.

 

All in all, things are looking up for me. No, I am no way at the end of the tunnel but I can see the light now and I am definitely moving towards it.

 

Thanks again to everyone who has helped me on this forum, and to those who are behind me on this journey take heart, you will get to where you need to be.

 

 

Good luck to you chew old chap, you have my thoughts and best wishes with you regardless of what you do or where you go, as we say in Malta inselli ghaliek habib.

[MJJean]

I just read your whole thread, Chew, and I am impressed!

 

I've been divorced for 15 years and we separated nearly 3 years before that. I can't even speak about my ex without it raising my blood pressure and the last time I saw him (we live in separate states..he moved away about 11 years ago then financially and emotionally abandoned my kids) it was all I could do not to punch him in the face.

 

Your STBX is absolutely crazy for letting you go. Her loss, some lucky gal's gain.

[No Limit]

Depending on how much you'll get from the house, you should definitely look up on one of those little houses with big gardens and a glass wall. Modern architecture and all that.

 

Although I guess for now you'll need something with big walls to keep the ladies your friends will introduce you to out.

Has your STBX ever revealed who her AP was? From the sound of it she affaired down big time.

[chew123]

Thanks for the kind words everyone.

 

Nolimit, she has not but her friends were insisting on providing me details until I told them I would prefer not to hear them. It really does not matter who it is at this point.

 

Once the divorce is final I will share the details that have emerged. Though it does not matter it does make for an interesting story. Honestly it sounds like he is similar to me regarding intellect and appearance. He just has way more baggage and has not handled his life the same way regarding finances and fidelity.

 

Since she never even mentioned alimony I suspect they must be planning to marry. More power to them. In my opinion she has given up a lot on a gamble, but I actually hope it works out for her. It will be easier on my son if it does.

 

Of course I hope it works out better for me. lol Can't help but be a little petty.

[MJJean]

Thanks for the kind words everyone.

 

Nolimit, she has not but her friends were insisting on providing me details until I told them I would prefer not to hear them. It really does not matter who it is at this point.

 

Once the divorce is final I will share the details that have emerged. Though it does not matter it does make for an interesting story. Honestly it sounds like he is similar to me regarding intellect and appearance. He just has way more baggage and has not handled his life the same way regarding finances and fidelity.

 

Since she never even mentioned alimony I suspect they must be planning to marry. More power to them. In my opinion she has given up a lot on a gamble, but I actually hope it works out for her. It will be easier on my son if it does.

 

Of course I hope it works out better for me. lol Can't help but be a little petty.

 

Now I am dying of curiosity. I can't wait to hear the story.

 

Some women have this idea they can "fix" a man and be his "rescuer". Maybe she felt she lost part of her identity when your son became independent and this guy (who, reading between the lines, sounds like a train wreck) makes her feel needed. Which means she will either become disillusioned at some point and leave, he will leave her for the next vag that comes along, or she'll spend the rest of her life being his mommy.

 

However it works out for her in the long term, I hope it works out much better for you!

 

Nothing wrong with being a tad bit petty, IMO. I mistyped earlier. It's been 12 years since the divorce. 15 since we separated. I realized the mistake after I could no longer edit.

 

Anyways, I met a wonderful man and remarried. We love each other and have a decent life together. I couldn't imagine my life without my DH and he's still, after 12 years, one of my favorite people on the planet and my dearest friend as well as the best sex I ever had, lol. He's raised my kids from the marriage to Jackass and he's given me one more. We own our home free and clear as well as our cars. We have very little debt.

 

My ex? Well, he's 43 now. Married to an absolute pig. She's hugely fat, pushing 400 lbs. She's not too bright and is a total pothead. (Nothing against pot, but this chick is rarely ever sober) She doesn't clean...ever. They lost their last apartment because it was so filthy when management did an inspection that they were in violation of their lease and evicted. They moved to his mothers house for a couple months until they got the place they are in now. When they left, his poor mother and my oldest had to pull up the carpet and use Kilz on the walls to remove the smell. They filled a dumpster with the trash. Total pigs! He hasn't worked consistently at any job and is almost fully supported by his mother and welfare picks up the rest. She pays his rent and utilities because it's actually better than having him come back home....again. He has wrecked 3 cars in 4 years, all of which his mom bought and paid for. He's, in short, a hot mess married to a hot mess.

 

Our kids were young (6 and 1) when we divorced and I thought it important to keep their grandparents in their lives. Every time I talk to my former in-laws I get an earful about him. Part of me would like to ask they don't speak of him, but the other part just laughs and laughs.

Edited January 16, 2015 by MJJean

[chew123]

MJ

 

glad it worked out for you and the ex got hit by the karma bus. Honestly I am better off already once I took the blinders off. I really did enjoy the first 33 years or so but I don't know if another 20 or so doing the same things would have been the best thing for me.

 

And I am sure I will meet someone when I am ready. I am just going to be very careful who I choose this time. I am not someone who wants to date a lot and I get attached quick so I have to wait and be careful.

 

And you know what, I am fine alone as well. I haven't been alone in so long and I have a wide circle of friends so I can get human contact when i need it.

 

The quote below kind of sums it up for me.

 

If you can't find a good companion to walk with, then walk alone, like an elephant roaming the jungle. It is better to be alone than with someone who will hinder your progress -The Buddha

[No Limit]

Chances are against your ex in the long run I'm afraid. Nonetheless she will be a superb example for your son how much a wrong decision can affect you.

[chew123]

Time for an update. Finally have a court date for the divorce. Everything is signed, really just a formality but we go before the judge on March 25th. Probably take 5 minutes then we are done.

 

I am doing well. Still spending time with a woman that I met a few months ago. Great companionship, don't know if where it will go. I still have way too much baggage to be a good partner for anyone. Although I do have some hope that we will continue. And I have been up front and totally honest with her. She is a great person and I would never lie to anyone , least of all her.

 

Still going to therapy, not sure if its needed but I do enjoy talking things out with an unbiased professional.

 

I believe I have broken the bond with my wife. She still cries most of the time that we speak, early on it made me feel bad for her, now I think that you brought this on yourself and its time to grow up and own it. No more feeling sorry for her.

 

I think one of the last hurdles I need to overcome is related to my son and the AP. Throughout this whole process I have ignored the AP. I have decided he is insignificant and not worthy of my attention. However, now my STBEXW is forcing the issue with my son. He is a very levelheaded college freshman who loves his mother and I would never try to taint that relationship. I picked him up to bring him home for spring break today. He informed me that his mom was planning on picking him up for easter break with her bf. He felt it should bother him but he thought he could deal with it. He expressed to me that he would much rather be introduced to him over a short lunch, rather then a 4 hour car ride where he is a captive. She told me she was planning on picking him up but was going with her sister. More lies as usual.

 

I realize that my wife is very attached to her AP and planning a life with him and is anxious to introduce him to my son so he can also see how wonderful he is. I am not threatened by this. My son and I have a great relationship and this will change. However I do think it is really too soon for my son to be put in this position. He only found out about the situation the week before Christmas so it is all new to him.

 

I know that I can't control my STBEX behavior but I can influence it as she does seem to value my opinion about some things. However, I know my son will meet him sooner or later anyway.

 

I am torn over how to deal with this. One part of me says I should just back off and let my son deal with it, since I feel he is mature enough. On the other hand I want to ask my wife, WTF, are you out of your mind introducing him to our son so soon.

 

What do you think? Just let it be, or try to get her to delay the introduction.

Thanks in advance for any advice.

[beach]

I believe if your son doesn't prefer to be stuck in a car with them - then he can drive his own car (or rent one for himself).

 

That way if he wants to also leave early he can. That way he at least has SOME control over a situation that his Mom is putting onto him too soon.

 

He can also say no if that's what he wants! He doesn't have to bend to his Mom's request. I hope he's learned he's allowed to decide for himself and if he wants to say no - he owes her no explanation for why.

[Mr. Lucky]

He can also say no if that's what he wants! He doesn't have to bend to his Mom's request. I hope he's learned he's allowed to decide for himself and if he wants to say no - he owes her no explanation for why.

 

Agreed. Also think you should help him see context. If he feels strongly either way, he needs to own the decision. That's what adults do and college is the start of that part of his life...

 

Mr. Lucky

[No Limit]

Sit back and see what happens. The situation will be uncomfortable for your son, no matter if it's 20 minutes or 4 hours. And should AP turn out to be far worse in reality than he seems for your affair-fogged ex chances are your son will draw the line himself. There's nothing wrong for a kid to ask a parent to meet them alone only in the future. Not all APs get accepted I'm afraid.

 

As for your ex, I think she's having a mental hangover. Why is she crying when she speaks to you? Do you or anyone more knowing about cheater mindsets have any idea what could cause this behavior?

[Auspecial]

You are still probably a little shell shocked. 26 years is a long time. Be sure to protect yourself both emotionally and financially during this time of transition. Don't assume anything. She should leave the house, and she already knows that. Its up to you to make that a reality, as she is presently having her cake and eating it too (enjoying emotional/physical wellbeing with someone else, and saving money by sharing expenses with you.)

 

 

Sorry this all happened to you.

[minimariah]

Thanks in advance for any advice.

 

he's a college freshman - he can decide for himself. you can give him some advice, tell him that he should voice his concerns to his mother & talk to her about everything. you're lucky because you have a grown child - that means that you basically don't have to contact your STBXW ever again.

 

your son is a grown man now, talk to him and advise him. that's the most you should do.

[chew123]

We are already 95 percent NC except for cleaning up financial issues. Divorce will be final in 2 weeks. We have not been living together except a night now and then for quite a while.

 

I am going to back off and let my son deal with it. Pisses me off that she is introducing him so soon but not a surprise at all. I kind of feel like this is her final assault on me. But I realize this is irrational. She is just living her life in a selfish fashion without regard for others, not trying to harm, but not taking others into consideration. I will let it go.

 

As far as the crying thing goes, I suspect I remind her of what she has lost. It is not me she is missing, but the trappings of her former life. She has lost my family who she liked more then her own, her relationship with her son is still good but different, she has lost many friends or at least is hiding from them out of guilt. She also was very attached to our house and I am currently living there getting it ready for sale.

 

She now has to work full time after working 20 hrs per week for most of her life. Her AP works nights, she works days so she is alone quite a bit. She is moving from couch to couch since she can't stay with AP full time for some reason.

 

And our relationship may have been dying but it was still not that bad. So she left an 80 percent or so good situation for one that is very uncertain. We were still at least very good friends til the bomb dropped so she may be missing our friendship a little. And who knows how her new relationship is going now that it is no longer an affair and real life is intervening.

 

And though we are both dealing with uncertainty I am living my life and having a pretty good time. New friends, a new female companion, some excitement over deciding where I want to live. She did mention that I am living my life and she is stuck. A lot of this may be an illusion but I am trying.

 

And to top it off my son and I are headed to the Caribbean for spring break with one of my nephews. I suspect these are some of the reasons she cries.

 

OK that's enough, I am rambling a bit now. But I have not posted in a while and I kind of miss it. lol