26 years married 32 years together over

[Miss Clavel]

Let her go, she's already gone.

 

Try to wish her well.

[chew123]

Miss Clavel,

 

Not sure how much more I can let her go. We share a son and she will always be in my life to some degree.

 

I don't want her back, have a new life, etc so I have "let her go".

 

As far as wishing her well I have. that does not mean I forget what she did though.

 

chew

[io2iio]

OP: whats your opinion of men getting married. Is it worth the risk that would come with divorce or wife having an affair ?

[chew123]

Absolutely, nothing ventured nothing gained. I had many good years with my wife before things blew up and I got a great son out of the deal.

 

Would I marry again at my age (55) when I won't be having more children? Right now I say no, but you never know.

[chew123]

Happy New Year Love Shackers. The holidays are over and its time to get back to real life(for me anyway).

 

I have no real updates on my story except to say my life is going well. I dare to say better than when i was with my ex-wife.

 

I am looking forward to another year of changes, new friends, places etc. Life really can be an adventure if you let go of the past and live in the present.

 

Let's all have a great 2016.

[chew123]

So I picked my son up at the airport this week and we ended up at his house(ex-wifes) for a little. I went in to visit my ex-dog, since she was not home. Really quite surreal, all our old furniture arranged pretty much the same. House is identical to our original. As I have mentioned before, a bit like the twilight zone.

 

Anyway I inadvertently found out the bfs last name while I was there. Was not snooping, it was on the counter in the open. No reason to hide it anymore.

 

Of course I could not help myself and when I got home I googled a bit. Note I have never seen him, met him, or dug into his life at all. Nothing earth shattering on google. Really the only thing that was of interest was that he is approx 3 years older then me. And my wife is 4 years younger then me so I was surprised. Always figured she went younger.

 

So to sum up the comparison. he is older, significantly poorer, makes significantly less money, is similar in appearance except that he is a little taller, I am 6'1 he is 6' 3 or so. He also appears to be in much worse physical condition then me weight wise. Additionally she has complained in the past when I used to speak to her that he really has no friends and she lost all hers in the divorce.

 

I am not obsessing over any of this but I did have to google once I found his name. I am pretty much NC with her anyway and every day this whole mess really fades further into the past. I do have to say she really seems to have traded down by almost all conventional measure.

 

Done digging for good. I satisfied my curiosity. However I have to admit I still don't get it. Probably never will.

[Beechy1973]

And I would guess you never will Chew.

 

No problems with checking him out and good that you don't feel compelled to continue.

 

All natural.

 

Beechy

[Justanaverageguy]

I am not obsessing over any of this but I did have to google once I found his name. I am pretty much NC with her anyway and every day this whole mess really fades further into the past. I do have to say she really seems to have traded down by almost all conventional measure.

 

Done digging for good. I satisfied my curiosity. However I have to admit I still don't get it. Probably never will.

 

That's actually pretty common in the case of affairs from what I have seen. What you will find in most cases women who cheat don't employ the same discernment and vetting process they did when dating under traditional circumstances. It is often something they didn't mean to get into so they didn't really analyse and evaluate the guy like they normally would. In long term relationships when the passion and intensity of the relationship has overtime been replaced by more of a friendship and attachment (as tends to happen) the spark of a random affair can have a powerful effect on women. Men look at it in a logical way and say .... that makes no sense at all. Why they hell would she throw it all away for that ??? But womens hormones do not follow logic. The effect does wear off though and usually the woman realizes what a mess they have made of their life.

 

The good thing is it sounds like you are doing great. On wards and up woulds Every ending is a new beginning.

[chew123]

Beechy,

 

Your right I will never really know.

 

JAG,

 

You are more than average. lol I believe what you wrote is as close to a clear concise description/analysis that I have seen. I suspect that is exactly what happened.

 

And what is happening next. My son, some mutual friends and even she has said how unhappy she is now. She is telling people she regrets her actions. By my guess she has been with BF for approx 2 years now. Real life is catching up to her and she realizes she really blew up her life for not so much.

 

The real upside to all this is I realize now I was also stuck and had grown stagnant over time. I probably would have stayed that way forever. I got out with my integrity intact and its an exciting new world for me. As you said onwards and upwards.

[KBarletta]

The real upside to all this is I realize now I was also stuck and had grown stagnant over time. I probably would have stayed that way forever. I got out with my integrity intact and its an exciting new world for me. As you said onwards and upwards.

 

Chew,

 

You did a good job right here of articulating something I had been feeling but couldn't quite put into words. I think this assessment applies to me as well - for a number of reasons, most of which did not have to do with my wife, I had grown stagnant as well. And getting out with "integrity" is something that matters to me, though I don't think it does to everyone.

 

And where I sit right now is anything but. I feel very free and excited for the future. I am glad to hear that you do, too.

 

KTB

[Beechy1973]

Hi Chew

 

The most challenging (and anxiety-provoking) time for me was when my ex asked to have me back.

 

For the first couple of years after the split I would have done anything to hear her say this.

 

When it actually did come (and I think I always knew it would eventually) it shocked me that I no longer wanted that, and had genuinely 'moved on'.

 

Although I will always love her in a way, I found that I couldn't forgive all she had done and I found it true that once trust has gone there's little foundation for a relationship.

 

Crucially, the last few years had made me develop well and I realised that we are very different and not that compatible really.

 

It was a shock, and while I always thought I would gain satisfaction from her change of heart, I felt only pity and sadness about what we had lost, mainly through her reckless actions.

 

I guess everyone is different, but thought I'd flag this up, as I've no doubt your ex may come to the same conclusion at some point, and it pays to be prepared.

 

Beechy

[R.Gant]

its an exciting new world for me. As you said onwards and upwards.

 

yes exciting world for you so got out there man! your single, plenty of action out there for you!

 

one word:travel!, its not like you have obligations. your sons in college & independent!

your not getting any younger go out there!

 

find a date, buy a camera and travel!

[chew123]

Hi all, just thought I would post a status of my life for those who are just joining the club no one wants to join.

 

Been divorced for 15 months now, things are going very well. I can't say I never think of my ex anymore, but when I do it is out of pity for her. She really threw away a great life for one that is very different, it may still work out for her but I really don't care anymore.

 

I have a new companion who I spend quite a bit of time with. I am in no rush to couple up long term however it is very nice to have someone by my side sometimes. Not that I don't like being alone. I have learned that I really enjoy that as well.

 

I no longer go to counseling but I have joined a local christian church and I enjoy the sense of community I get from it. I am not really religious but I enjoy it none the less.

 

I have traveled quite a bit and visited friends and family around the country. My son is home from college and I am enjoying spending time with him this summer. He is doing fine balancing his time between his Mom and me.

 

I love my new residence, my job is going well, I am healthier than I have been in years.

 

I imagine I sound a little giddy but I really am happy with how everything has turned out. I have joy in my life again and I look forward to almost every day. Down days are of course still around but very few.

 

For you newbies out there, you will get there. It takes some work but it is worth it. I hate to be cliche but "What does not kill us makes us stronger". In my case that has turned out to be true.

 

Keep moving forward.

 

chew

[KBarletta]

Good to hear from you Chew, I had been in and out of here the past few days wondering how you've been doing.

 

The answer is: Great, by the sounds of it. Good for you.

 

I honestly never thought I would feel this good again. The fact that I do, I hope, is a message for the other people on here who are just starting out: It will be better someday, maybe even better than it was before. Just hang in there.

 

Keep us posted on things, man, I look forward to hearing about your new life.

 

KTB

[Bufo]

Stick around and post from time to time. You are an example to others who find themselves on the down track of the roller coaster. What's great is that your exW's disappointment in her new life isn't something you are gloating over, just getting a well deserved chuckle.

 

Well played, sir

[Kwacker39]

Hey Chew , I am literally at the opposite end of the street to you - I've just found out my wife is having an affair , after 21 years and 2 kids together it's really hard to take but that is the situation - she says she no longer loves me so we have to go our separate ways . I'm trying to stay strong for my boys although I feel extremely down most of the time - however it's good to read of your experience and of how you have eventually managed to move on and find happiness and contentment in your life . I look forward to the day I can say the same !

[chew123]

Kwacker,

 

Sorry to hear you are in the same situation. Happens to quite a few of us.

 

The early days are definetly tough but once you accept its over and start working on yourself and your new life it starts getting incrementally better.

 

When you come out the other side you will likely be better in almost every way. And not that it matters but your wife will probably relize she made a huge mistake whenther she admits it or not.

 

Take care of you and your kids and you will come out of this fine.

 

Good luck

[tinkerbell16]

Hi Chew

 

The most challenging (and anxiety-provoking) time for me was when my ex asked to have me back.

 

For the first couple of years after the split I would have done anything to hear her say this.

 

When it actually did come (and I think I always knew it would eventually) it shocked me that I no longer wanted that, and had genuinely 'moved on'.

 

Although I will always love her in a way, I found that I couldn't forgive all she had done and I found it true that once trust has gone there's little foundation for a relationship.

 

Crucially, the last few years had made me develop well and I realised that we are very different and not that compatible really.

 

It was a shock, and while I always thought I would gain satisfaction from her change of heart, I felt only pity and sadness about what we had lost, mainly through her reckless actions.

 

I guess everyone is different, but thought I'd flag this up, as I've no doubt your ex may come to the same conclusion at some point, and it pays to be prepared.

 

Beechy

 

This just happened to me. My ex always hinted here and there how he regretted exploding our 30 year relationship/marriage and beautiful family but recently came to me and said with clarity that he made the biggest mistake of his life and he will never get over me or be happy again. As the abandoned spouse you think you want to hear it until you spent two years trying to build a new life and hear it. It set me back. Way back emotionally but to my surprise it was only very briefly and I was back on track. His words I would have died to hear 2 years ago finally came... I could never go back. I am very happy in who I have "blossomed" into since the divorce and he is not a man I would consider even dating. It may seem impossible to fathom when you are going through such a terribly painful experience such as infidelity after a long marriage but there is light at the end of the tunnel. I feel blessed to have had my past and equally blessed with my present and future.

Edited June 5, 2016 by tinkerbell16

[chew123]

Tinkerbell,

 

I am glad to hear you only had a short setback when he told you of his mistake. I don't think we can ever really go back. I believe the BS often goes through a period of growth that makes us see that we are lucky to be out. The cheating spouse can't keep up with this.

 

My ex-wife has already mentioned how it was a mistake and she will never recover. Of course she is still with her bf/ap as far as I know. I never bite on that conversation starter.

[tinkerbell16]

Tinkerbell,

 

I am glad to hear you only had a short setback when he told you of his mistake. I don't think we can ever really go back. I believe the BS often goes through a period of growth that makes us see that we are lucky to be out. The cheating spouse can't keep up with this.

 

My ex-wife has already mentioned how it was a mistake and she will never recover. Of course she is still with her bf/ap as far as I know. I never bite on that conversation starter.

 

Chew,

It was mostly an overwhelming feeling of sadness. No, I would not take him back but the years and years of building a life together shattered in an instant is just sad. I was mostly speechless but did manage to say we had what most spend their whole lives looking for and he said "I know". Sad. I am dating and have had one longish term boyfriend since my divorce but I may actually have come to a point that I am just meh... I feel like I keep my heart on guard for the most part. I just have learned all too well that people are not always what they seem and keeps me from really opening up. It us sad because I have a lot to offer and a lot of love to give but I am not naive anymore and my vetting process is pretty brutal. Lol.

He has a girlfriend which I find interesting because he still tells me I am the most beautiful woman he has ever met and he will never love anyone as much as he loved/loves me. It makes me sad for her really. She will never have his heart. Then again, who would want a heart so selfish and fickle.

[tinkerbell16]

How are you doing Chew?

You haven't updated in a while...

hoping that means you are doing well

[chew123]

TB,

 

Thanks for asking and yes no updates means I am doing well.

 

Not much has changed. Having a great Jersey summer. Been traveling with my new companion, spending a lot of time with me son and his gf. He is doing well also.

 

I saw the ex at my goddaughters graduation dinner(her side). She seems to be doing better also not that it really maters. One interesting thing though was that I observed her behavior a bit and she really drove me crazy. Sweating the small details, worrying about everything etc. NC is great but for me it helps to see her occasionally to help me realize how lucky I am to have a fresh start.

 

It will be 2 years DDAY anniversary in September. My life is way different, but honestly it is way better. I still slip into thinking about the injustice(mostly the financial) but not very often.

 

To everyone on this journey, it will get better, actually it can get great. Just keep moving forward and you will get there.

 

chew

[tinkerbell16]

TB,

 

Thanks for asking and yes no updates means I am doing well.

 

Not much has changed. Having a great Jersey summer. Been traveling with my new companion, spending a lot of time with me son and his gf. He is doing well also.

 

I saw the ex at my goddaughters graduation dinner(her side). She seems to be doing better also not that it really maters. One interesting thing though was that I observed her behavior a bit and she really drove me crazy. Sweating the small details, worrying about everything etc. NC is great but for me it helps to see her occasionally to help me realize how lucky I am to have a fresh start.

 

It will be 2 years DDAY anniversary in September. My life is way different, but honestly it is way better. I still slip into thinking about the injustice(mostly the financial) but not very often.

 

To everyone on this journey, it will get better, actually it can get great. Just keep moving forward and you will get there.

 

chew

 

Chew,

Good for you! I feel much like you do. I hardly think of him anymore. When I do hear of him by way of our kids I remember why I am so much better off now.

I was a brightly lit bulb dimmed for soo long under his heaviness and now I am truly able to shine