26 years married 32 years together over

[chew123]

Lolli,

 

I did notice them but really didn't pay attention to them. She was always a little selfish but I kind of spackled over it.

 

I definitely noticed the work smile. Her demeanor would change significantly when she answered the phone depending on who it was. And when it was someone she did not like she would go right into the "work smile".

 

Love is blind though, till its not.

[2.50 a gallon]

As for winners and losers, it has been a little over a year for you. The first inning is over and you are now into the second inning. From the way you describe the situation, she is already a big loser. As for yourself there are several more innings to play. And as Marc878 says I would bet someday you are going to be totally surprised at what is going to come around the corner. I myself am still stunned at what awaited me a few years down the road. Football season is here and she lets me watch all I want to watch.

Trust me, some how they find you.

[bigman1]

I agree that this cannot be summed up as "winner" vs. "loser", however, I will say that once can use the term "better off".

 

You are "better off" without her. That factors everything in, gains, losses, pain, changes, time missed with family, etc.

 

I know someone that had to have a limb amputated due to diabetes. Had they kept the limb, they would have died. Still, they are missing a limb now. They didn't "win", per se, but they are better off. Also, they have changed their lifestyle and reversed their diabetes (Type 2). No more medications or checking blood sugar daily. They have lost a ton of weight, are in the best shape of their life, eat healthy, and can look forward to a long life. No more amputations on the horizon, unless they fall back into unhealthy living. Still, they have no limb so they can't do everything they used to do how they used to do it, but they are so much better off.

 

You are better off.

[No Limit]

Oh, come on people... she's already gaining weight and the other guy is already getting stuck on the jealousy train, meaning they left their affair-dynamic-issues unaddressed and it's starting to show. I know it's praised to be humble and all but in cases like this it's just too obvious who the winner is and who the losers are.

[SpokenFor]

Hey Chew,

 

Not sure if I have ever posted on your thread but you made the same kinds of choices I did when faced with a similar situation (although way fewer years and no kid) and I have admired the way you've gone about it.

 

Did anything ever come of the friend and revelations you needed to know? Perhaps I ask because while I moved onwards quite happily I still sometimes wonder what I didn't know about that marriage and would definitely listen if someone had something they wanted to tell me.

[chew123]

Spokenfor,

 

Unfortunately the "friend" canceled on me and has not rescheduled. Probably chickened out and I am not going to pursue it further. If she tracks me down fine but I am not going to chase after the information.

 

Parents weekend at my son's college last weekend. We had a great time. I went alone, she chose not to go at all. Not a surprise.

 

And my son is coming home for a quick visit this weekend to see his gf. He and I will get together however the ex is off looking at the fall foliage with her bf so she will miss him again.

 

Her priorities are askew to say the least.

[SpokenFor]

Her top priority is the attempt to convince herself and her friends that her bad choices over the past year and more were actually good choices. It seems like she is having a tough time believing that now... and as time goes by it will get even tougher.

 

Consequences and the arrow of time...

[LDM]

I am really sorry to hear about how you have been treated and the pain you are suffering. Last December I was faced with the same situation - although we have been together for 20 years and married for just over 17 and a half years before the separation took place. I am still reeling from this and have just turned 40. I have 2 daughters aged 14 and 10....it's really tough.

[Lion Heart]

Chew, how are you doing now?

 

I've come to your thread over the past 2 months or so and now read 90%. I hope your son is doing well at College and I hope that you are doing well with the creation of your new life.

 

Best wishes

Lion Heart.

[chew123]

Lionheart,

 

Since you asked I think I will post a summary. Helps me to take stock of my situation.

 

Positives

 

I weigh less, drink less, exersize more and I am definetly in better physical condition then I was on dday.

 

I love my new apartment. After owning a large home for 20 plus years it is nice to have nothing to work on. I have to say it frees up an amazing amount of time and I don't see myself going back to owning.

 

I continue to meet new people. Living in a semi resort beach town there is a lot of activity within walking or biking distance. Any night I don't feel like staying home alone I go out for dinner or happy hour and often meet interesting people, both male and female to hang with.

 

I have strengthened my relationships with friends I wanted to keep and gotten rid of friends who no longer fit with my new life. This has been a win.

 

My son is doing very well at school. He seems to be adjusting to the situation quite well. He is doing a good job of walking the balance between his parents and is maintaining a relationship with both of us.

 

I am really enjoying my alone time. This is something I was frightened of in the beginning.

 

Not so positive

 

I still think about my ex too much. In no way want her back in my life. However I sometimes ruminate about the injustice of it all and I am still in disbelief that she cheated on me. And I often wander how long it really went on. Though this is less and less it is still too much.

 

I have not met her bf yet, and really don't ever want to but I figure it is inevitable since they are still together and we will meet at something for my son someday. Really need to get past the desire to kick his ass, either physically or mentally.

 

In addition to thinking about my ex, I miss having her by my side. As I said above I don't want her back but we really did have a lot of great times together. And sometimes when I am on the beach and see something I think to myself too bad she is not here with me to share it.

 

Though I enjoy going out and meeting and flirting with women I really am not ready to date them. I do enjoy their company and I am encouraged that there seem to be so many singles who are in the same boat as me. The right woman may accelerate this but I really think I need more time.

 

Summary

 

So on balance I think I am ok. And my son is also and that is very important to me. I still have a long way to go but I am enjoying life again and all and all I have it pretty good. I have my health, my finances are intact and I have a lot of good friends. Life is pretty good, just nothing like I ever would have imagined 14 month ago.

 

I just read this over and there are an awful lot of "I's " in it. Seems a little self centered but I have really been focusing on me so thats the way it is, at least for now.

 

chew

[turnera]

chew, it's the right time to be self-centered.

[Beechy1973]

Hi Chew

 

You're doing admirably marvellously.

 

After nearly four years since my dday (and believe me I've been through a lot and never thought I'd recover), I'm really getting there.

 

It is now explicit to me how our values and approach to life (and treating other people) are very different, and how splitting has allowed me to find myself and identify what matters to me (rather than go along with her choices and wants).

 

For a long time since the split I spent more time thinking about her, what she was doing, who she was with, and ruminating over how I'd been treated badly, rather than focusing on my own life and development.

 

I'll never really be comfortable with the thought of her being with another man, but to be honest, it hardly matters these days and she rarely occupies my thoughts.

 

I'm doing really well and have my life firmly on track; I cannot say the same for her as she's had a string of relationships, seems as flaky as ever and hasn't got much money (although still has an expectation that I should support her as if we were still married!)

 

The reason I post this is to just to let you know (as I'm sure you already know) that you will recover a little more every day, and you will look back in the future and appreciate it was probably the best thing that ever happened to you, despite all your hurt and residual feelings for the person you've spent decades loving.

 

A previous poster mentioned 'consequences and the arrow of time'. Very true. Please be prepared for when your ex realises what an error she's made and explores option of a reconciliation with you. When this happens please don't do it as it will probably be pity that drives you.

 

Take care

 

Beechy

[ProdigalMe]

chew123, I've read through your posts and I have to commend you on going through a strenuous journey and coming out the other side relatively intact. It's inspiring to know that despite the dark days, headaches and bewilderment, you managed to keep yourself together and thriving. Hats off to you. Thank you for sharing.

[chew123]

Thanks for the replys.

 

Prodigal.

 

Yes relatively intact is am accurate description.

 

 

Beechy,

 

Your post really resonates with me. though I am doing ok I do still ruminate about the injustice at times. Although its less and less as time goes by just like you mentioned.

 

And the ex and I definetly have a different value system especially relating to how we treat other people.

 

And though in my head I really know I am way better off without her, my heart has not yet caught up.

 

thanks for taking the time to post now that you are on the other side. I hope to join you soon.

[chew123]

As another holiday season begins since DDAY and I am single now I thought I would write a letter of the things I am thankful for to the EX.

Did not send it of course, it was really just for me. I really do have a lot to be grateful for and it helps me to remind myself sometimes.

 

I did see her over the holiday as my son does enjoy when we get together for a short time. We went to lunch and she was a pain as usual. lol They came to my apartment to meet before lunch and she cried for a little out on the balcony then got a grip on herself. Still a bit unstable I guess. Really had no effect on me positive or negative.

Though I do miss my former life, I am really enjoying my new one. Anyway letter is below.

 

Ex,

 

Happy thanksgiving(really). This will be the first thanksgiving we will spend apart in 35 years and it is still kind of hard for me to fathom that we ended up apart. However I do accept it and embrace it most of the time these days. Holidays do have more meaning for me now than they used to. In the past I thought of them as a nice time to visit family and that’s about it.

 

Now I think about what I have to be thankful for and I believe there is quite a lot. Son seems to be doing great, despite the fact that I believe he struggles with our break up at times he is resilient and doing extremely well. We are both healthy and reasonably well off financially. Our futures are wide open and for me this is both exciting and a little unsettling, but more the former then the latter. And not to rub it in but I do really enjoy where I live(everyone is tired of me saying I live at the beach). I always wanted to try living in the city and now I kind of live the no car/city like lifestyle most days and I find that I like it quite a bit.

 

I am also very thankful for my friends, both new and old who have helped me and continue to help me transition to the single life.

 

I am thankful that I get to spend so much time with friend 1(lung cancer) as he battles his disease. Living so close gives me the ability to visit him often and we really enjoy each others company these days. Same thing with Friend2(ovarian cancer).

 

l do still miss you and the life we had together. I no longer want to forget the first half of my life. There were too many good times and I was for the most part really happy and though I first attempted to forget it you were a big part of that. So I am thankful for you, the first half of my life and the time we spent together.

 

So again happy thanksgiving. Enjoy the time with your family and please tell them that I said hi and I do miss them.

 

your ex

[ralfgarnett]

Nice words Chew, your a good man mate she must of been barmy to leave you behind, keep up the good work, sending you my very best wishes from this side of the pond.

 

 

RG

[Beechy1973]

That's really nice Chew, and I hope that writing this down is cathartic and provides you with some clarity.

 

Considering you're only 1 year in you really are doing remarkably. It took me over 3 years to get to where you seem to be.

 

I know you're not intending to send this and I hope you stick to that.

 

Sometimes residual feelings can make us do things we regret, and even though your letter is balanced your ex would accept is as proof she still has a hold over you. Please don't give her that satisfaction.

 

As I've mentioned previously, dignity can be challenging to regain once you've handed some of it away and mentally it serves to set you back.

 

Take care

 

Beechy

[chew123]

Thanks Beechy,

 

Don't worry, not going to send it to her.

 

Ralf,

 

Good to hear from you. Hope things are gong well.

[Mr. Lucky]

Considering you're only 1 year in you really are doing remarkably. It took me over 3 years to get to where you seem to be.

 

I'll second this, took me nearly a decade to get to a point where I could honestly separate the divorce from the marriage and sincerely wish my ex well.

 

And this was only after all the dark fantasies I had for her - building collapse on her, aliens abduct her, she gets trampled in Walmart on Black Friday, etc.. - didn't come true ...

 

Mr. Lucky

[chew123]

Mr Lucky,

 

"seem to be" is the key. I really am doing quite well, but as I have said in the past I sound better on a forum then I am in person.

 

And a funny thing about doing well, I got together with a 30 year friend who has been with the wife and her AP. He told me how good I looked and how well I seemed to be doing. Then he proceeded to tell me what a nice guy my exw boyfriend was.

 

After I asked him wtf is wrong with him for bringing that up he told me well you seem to be doing so well. Not going to be doing so well that I want to hear that for years. Kind of had to write him off after that. I have enough friends who get it.

[Beechy1973]

Your pal's probably a too honest for his own good Saggitarian.

 

It takes time. Everyone's telling you the same because it's true.

 

Remember the 5 loss stages. Following a break up you kid yourself sometimes that you're actually further along than you really are. Time.

[No Limit]

They came to my apartment to meet before lunch and she cried for a little out on the balcony then got a grip on herself.

 

Stop right there!

 

After you've kept your new location secret you finally let her in? What was her reaction the first time she saw it? Is she stalking you at your new home, or did she ever stop by un-announced?

[Jersey born raised]

What your friend fails to grasp, perhaps a note like I wrote will help clarify the air.

 

There are moments in a persons life that transcends time. That emotion on the day of and day after my wedding, the birth of a child and that first moment me holding the child. They inform me, they are not what makes life worth living, they are life.

 

In the same way, adultery has transformed me. The echoes of the uncertainties and raw emotional pain will always be a part of me. Overtime it has and continues to evolve into a source of empathy. The empathy that enables me to understand others pain and fear, both in matters like this and others.

 

David/Mike/joe posm is not a nice guy. He had a choice to support my marriage. He could have helped her to fight and win to save our marriage. He choose to use the opportunity to try to fill a void in his life. In doing so he choose to inflict the pain and loss I wrote above.

 

Understand he choose to be the one. To say "if not him, then..." does not work. He choose it to be him and no one else. In this he is lacking in character. So, he could be a fine guy, but so are addicts until they need a fix.

 

So what is, is. I have gained acceptance, I have greatly healed. I have gain empathy and awareness, and a great deal of indifference. It is from indifference I say "no he is not a nice guy". It is from the same place I would comment on a persons second DUI. No when a person allows there own weakness to create actual harm or create a real threat of harm, they cannot be truly be considered a nice person.

 

Stay aware Chew123

[chew123]

No limit,

 

No she has not stopped by unannounced. Our non relationship is actually pretty good right now from my perspective. We are efficiently co-parenting (well as much a a 19 year old needs) and sharing his expenses without controversy. I do know she wanted to stay longer and hang at my place but my son had an engagement. I suspect when summer comes she will be back with my son which is actually fine. I may not be done with the healing but I am done with wanting her so it does not hurt to see her at all. And I was not trying to rub my life in her face but they came early and I was on a 20 mile bike ride with 5 of my friends so we all pulled in and they were waiting for us. And I look good in my biking clothes. lol

 

Cmalcolm,

 

Thanks but my divorce is final and settled and went pretty smooth. Done with that phase.

 

Jersey born,

 

I am Jersey born/raised also. Those are excellent words. However I have decided not to bring it up again with my friend. I suspect he got the hint and if not so be it. Until you are the cheated on spouse I don't think you really get the emotional pain. I know I didn't understand it until it happened to me. He can befriend AP if he wants. Not my business to point out his shortcomings.

[chew123]

Happy holidays everybody,

 

I really have nothing to update but thought I should make a holiday post. I really have had a really good year all and all. Went through a lot of pain and change but i am in a much better place then I was last year.

 

Still have decent amount of contact with the ex. Not a problem or issue for me, we do have a son. She is still with AP which is fine with me. And she has respectfully kept him out of my life to the point i have never run into him which is fine with me.

 

Son is doing well at school and really seems to be ok. We have grown closer, not that we were far apart to start with but the split seems to have brought us close. I spend a lot of time with him and his gf whenever they are around.

 

I have gotten closer with the woman I met early on. We really kept each other at arms length for the last year but i think she senses that I am really getting closer to being single for real. She has been right to protect herself from me while still being a great companion. I appreciate that she gave me time to grieve and get over my ex without any new pressures placed on me. We are hosting a holiday party together tonight for our friends at my place. Wherever we end up i will always be grateful for her, but I suspect 2016 will be a great year for us.

 

So to sum things up I am healthy, happy and have a lot of great supportive friends as well as an awesome relationship with my son. And I look forward to next year and fully expect to enjoy my life. I really forgive my ex and hope she gets her act together. We were together for too long for me to hold a grudge.

 

To everyone who is in the early stages it can and will get better but you have to do the work. Make new friends, get in shape, embrace your anger then let it go. Standard advice but it really does work. I am truly happy now, a year ago I was essentially curled up in the fetal position.

 

Thanks Loveshackers for all your support, you have really made a difference in my life.

 

Have a great holiday season and a happy new year.