26 years married 32 years together over

[LifeNomad]

chew I enjoyed reading your post and updates. you seem to be strong which is good.

 

 

I had 13 years with my ex, my kids are still small, we split 8 months ago, and like you I found a new companion whom is awesome, but I miss the old family life sometimes, feel like a part time dad...

 

 

 

 

anyways just wanted to say your posts give me strength to keep moving on also, mine left too for someone elese, and I still sometimes hurt over it, not as much as before tho.

 

 

anyways good luck man

[No Limit]

And to top it off my son and I are headed to the Caribbean for spring break with one of my nephews.

 

See, no matter how much your ex might muck up the time she has with your son, you're making amends for it.

 

I think the next sting she'll feel is your son ceasing contact or demanding to meet her without AP only (and should she lie about that, remaining contact decreases even more) if things escalate there. I honestly wonder how AP must feel about meeting her son so soon.

 

As for why she's couch surfing; I'm guessing it's either "He's married", "He has a GF", "He is living in a tiny rented room barely big enough for more than a mattress and a TV" and old but gold "He doesn't want his apartment to have the signs of a female presence so it won't alert other women who visit him". None of these are options I'd expect to make someone quit their almost-as-long-as-life-marriage so she must be pretty messed up in the head.

 

 

And, you didn't tell us yet how you met your new GF.

[Mr. Lucky]

And to top it off my son and I are headed to the Caribbean for spring break with one of my nephews.

l

 

Good stuff. Best way to get rid of the old memories is to make new ones ...

 

Mr. Lucky

[chew123]

Nolimit, Nomad,

 

I met the girl through a mutual friend. We hit it off right away but we are taking it as slow as possible since I am very risky relationship wise right now. It is not that I am a bad guy, I am just so raw that I don't think I know who I am anymore and need more time.

 

We were closer and now seem to be drifting apart a little. I find myself to be a little to needy for my own good and think I should probably stay alone longer. However I do really enjoy her company.

 

Regarding the guy as it turns out he is a widower. I suspect while his wife was dying he started to form a bond with my wife. I really have no idea what his deal is, but I know she is not welcome in his home for some reason.

 

I must admit that I have had more thoughts about my wife lately. I really do feel that she knows she made a huge mistake, but it is too late for either of us to turn back. The divorce date is going to be very emotional for me next week. A few months ago I would have said I was looking forward to it, I must admit I am dreading the finality of it at this point.

 

As always, thanks for your support.

[LifeNomad]

sometimes I start thinking about my ex and how I wish we could be like we were before but I know also it can never be.

 

 

shes happier without me and it hurts but its reality, if she really wanted to work things out we would've.

 

 

Anyways man at least your son is old and in college. In my case they are small and ask blunt questions that sometimes hurt.

 

 

for instance my son asked if mom and dad are still fighting, i ask them why he asks, my son replies because he wants to come home. things like that.

 

 

good luck man and be strong. just remember if she was happier with you she would be with you, shes happier elsewhere, so as long as shes happy, try to find comfort in that.

 

 

it also helps to not listen to any of those heartbreak songs, they bring you down, try to listen to something that inspires you, sometimes, the old songs i would hear when i was younger, when i seemed to have everything in control makes me feel good and positive, i also took up exercising and eating better

 

 

Good luck buddy, she was a huge part of your life, and its ok to cry, your letting it all go.

[chew123]

Lifenomad,

 

Yes I am very lucky that my son is old enough to really understand what is going on. I feel for you in your situation. It must be really hard with young kids.

 

Regarding her being happier I actually think she was happier with me. She has questioned some friends wondering if it is too late for her to try and come back. They told her she was out of her mind. I would never take her back. I never say never but they are right.

[Friskyone4u]

Chew

I just read your whole thread and all I can say is WOW and how dignified and well you handled such a ****ty situation. An affair is one thing , but the amount of disrespect of openly dating OM and refusing to leave while she was doing it is about as bad as it gets. I guess the only positive thing about her behavior was by being so horrible it might have made you able to accept the finality of it rather than if she was faking you with a false R and seeing him anyway. At least you did not blow a lot of cash on MC .

It is very strange that if he is widower that she cannot stay at his house. Something is fishy but it does not matter at this point .

As far as her crying, you are right . It is probably hitting her that her life is about to really change. I am sure she would have preferred to continue with the comfort of her home and finances not being disturbed as she did before you caught her . Reality has a way of setting in and now her little fairy tale is real.

Good decision not to have anything to do with her family or her yours. No Holidays together. She must be nuts to suggest that after what she has done.

Do not be surprised if she actually does at some point try to reconcile with you if her new man does not turn out to be Prince Charming forever. I hope you won't let that happen

Good luck to you. You will find happiness again :

[No Limit]

Regarding her being happier I actually think she was happier with me. She has questioned some friends wondering if it is too late for her to try and come back.

 

Guess she tried to test the waters through the back door. If you were miserable and still waiting for her she'd at least feel more secure in her A because she knows she could return to you if things went south, and now that that door has closed the affair fantasy land looks a lot darker than it used to. I guess she also didn't expect a queue of women waiting to fill her spot.

[LifeNomad]

Lifenomad,

 

Yes I am very lucky that my son is old enough to really understand what is going on. I feel for you in your situation. It must be really hard with young kids.

 

Regarding her being happier I actually think she was happier with me. She has questioned some friends wondering if it is too late for her to try and come back. They told her she was out of her mind. I would never take her back. I never say never but they are right.

 

Ur handling it well many of us lose our dignity even for just a second in situations like yours. Handling the breakdown process the way ur doing is crucial.

[chew123]

Tomorrow is finally the court date. Almost exactly 5 months since DDAY. Should only take 15 minutes or so. I think we each stand up and say we are ok with the deal then we are done.

 

Anti-climactic to a long partnership, but its definitely time. Going to have a little get together this weekend with all the folks who have really supported me to thank them.

 

Unfortunately, we still own the house so I am in for some significant contact till its gone. I have been living here since January and I am kind of getting used to it although it does have a lot of memories. I am considering buying her out and staying here. Way too big for me but then my son and dog will have a place to live in the summer. Plus if I buy it then we can be done with all things financial.

 

Have to put some thought into it. I can afford it, but do I want to stay here? It may hold back my recovery.

 

Would probably only stay here for a couple years, but rents are expensive around here and though I can live with my single sister I am a little old for that.

[No Limit]

Hmm, are there no houses for sale in your area that you could afford with your half of the money for the old house? And yes, many people seem to be reminded of the past endlessly when they're walking around their old 'sacred halls'.

[chew123]

No limit,

 

Unfortunately no, smaller houses are around 3/4 the price and once you deal with costs its not worth it. But I am unsure about whether or not I can handle keeping the house.

 

Court was no big deal. As usual the wife and I got along very well. We even went out to lunch after and shared a bottle of wine. I saw some of the old wife who I married and we had a nice lunch.

 

I still think we really could have gone the distance if she did not go down the affair road. But there is really no turning back from that.

 

My lawyer even commented on how unusual it was for the 2 of us to be sitting together in the court chatting and laughing like a married couple.

 

Settlement was in my favor. No alimony ever. 50/50 split. Would have rather still had the wife but oh well.

[No Limit]

Time will tell; stay a little longer and see how you feel.

And, congratulations on a smooth divorce. Yes, affairs aren't exactly a kind way to end things, but by now obviously more for your couch-surfing wife than you.

[Buckeye2]

I realize that my wife is very attached to her AP and planning a life with him and is anxious to introduce him to my son so he can also see how wonderful he is. I am not threatened by this. My son and I have a great relationship and this will change. However I do think it is really too soon for my son to be put in this position. He only found out about the situation the week before Christmas so it is all new to him.

 

Your wife seems to be rewriting history. With her actions and attitude anyone would think that you two drifted apart and mutually decided to have an amicable divorce. After the divorce was final she met this great guy that she wants your son to meet.

 

Does everyone know that she cheated? She doesn't seem to.

Edited March 26, 2015 by Buckeye2

[chew123]

Buckeye2,

 

My family, friends and son know. I think most of her family knows also. I think what she is saying is those are her reasons for having the affair.

 

Doesn't really matter at this point anyway.

 

Chew

[chew123]

For the first time in about 3 months I am missing my wife. We got along so well at the divorce hearing and subsequent lunch that I realized how much we really had going for us. I like to think she did also but I realize this is probably just my imagination.

 

A friend of mine was with her at a party last week and she was prying into my new relationship. Wanting to know how far its gone, was I actually dating someone etc. She also told him I would take her back anytime. My friend gave her no information, but asked her why did she care anyway since I had given her a chance to come back early on and she did not take it. She also bugged me at the divorce hearing about her, saying she knew who she was and did not like her. I did not bite on the conversation and chose to keep it light.

 

I woke up this morning obsessing for the first time in a while. Ex is currently dogsitting down the street form where I live(lame). I almost called her and asked what is going on? Are you already done with the new guy? Do you want to try and make a go of it?

 

I can't believe I still feel this way. I have been saying no way from the beginning and now that there is an inkling of hope(and only in my mind) that she might come back I am running it through my mind.

 

I suspect i am just having a bad morning and I will certainly not contact her. But I have to say am really dissapointed in myself for feeling this way. To think I would consider trying to get her back even after we are divorced blows my mind. Back to therapy for me. lol

[KBarletta]

For the first time in about 3 months I am missing my wife. We got along so well at the divorce hearing and subsequent lunch that I realized how much we really had going for us. I like to think she did also but I realize this is probably just my imagination.

 

A friend of mine was with her at a party last week and she was prying into my new relationship. Wanting to know how far its gone, was I actually dating someone etc. She also told him I would take her back anytime. My friend gave her no information, but asked her why did she care anyway since I had given her a chance to come back early on and she did not take it. She also bugged me at the divorce hearing about her, saying she knew who she was and did not like her. I did not bite on the conversation and chose to keep it light.

 

I woke up this morning obsessing for the first time in a while. Ex is currently dogsitting down the street form where I live(lame). I almost called her and asked what is going on? Are you already done with the new guy? Do you want to try and make a go of it?

 

I can't believe I still feel this way. I have been saying no way from the beginning and now that there is an inkling of hope(and only in my mind) that she might come back I am running it through my mind.

 

I suspect i am just having a bad morning and I will certainly not contact her. But I have to say am really dissapointed in myself for feeling this way. To think I would consider trying to get her back even after we are divorced blows my mind. Back to therapy for me. lol

 

Hang in there, Chew. It's only natural after such a long time together that you would still have some of these feelings lingering. What you do when push comes to shove is more important than feelings that are bound to come and go once in a while. Plus, you just had a major milestone (the final D) pass, which is bound to have dredged up some of the old doubts/feelings/thoughts. Don't beat yourself up too much, just keep focusing on the future, which from where I sit looks bright. I hope to be where you are in a few months, myself.

[chew123]

KB,

 

Thanks, just needed to be talked off the ledge. Amazing how I regress from time to time. Even have a date this weekend but somehow all this crap crept in. Always seems to happen when a well meaning friend calls me with details on how my wife is not doing well with bf, or asking about me. I think I need to tell everyone no details please, they just set me back.

 

chew

[No Limit]

She also told him I would take her back anytime.

 

Arrogance, red flag. In her belief you're her doormat.

 

She also bugged me at the divorce hearing about her, saying she knew who she was and did not like her.

 

Poor attempt at manipulation, red flag. Next time fend it off with some admiring context about your GF which you like; might sour her mood but this way she'll get that she can't get into your head. And if she attempts the comparison-technique ("But she's not as good as me ;)" etc) just say that your GF is different and in a way you quite like.

 

Your emotions going wild is probably a reaction from the "nice divorce day" you two shared, it brought back old memories and memorized feelings. But even on those "nice days" her true character is leaking. Don't be fooled - this is a different woman than the one you married.

 

 

edit;

Your friends informing you how the ex is doing bad with her new life is a poor attempt to coax you into "pursuing" her and take her back. Indeed, tell them to back off from this topic completely. They might mean well but it's simply wrong. Just a few weeks ago while chatting with a few buddies we came to the topic of another friend who broke it off with her BF while he was studying abroad - one of my buddies actually said "If she had at least broken up when he was here, so he could try to win her back" - hell no!

Edited March 27, 2015 by No Limit

[chew123]

No limit,

 

Good stuff. The nice divorce day did bring back memories. I don't really think she does any of this consciously though. She is just not that smart. And I did rebut her BS about the gf. Even though we are not serious I don't take kindly to people maligning anybody, particularly people I am with.

 

I am responsible for the arrogance about her thinking she could come back. Early on I told her I am divorcing you, however if sometime in the future you decide you want to come back don't be afraid to ask. I told her I would most likely say no, but don't be afraid.

 

As far as my friends, some are like that, but the one who called me last night was encouraging me to be on guard and to not take her back. He was somewhat appalled that she thought she could. You are right that I am better off not hearing though.

 

Oh, and I spent the day cleaning the hottub and working around the house a little. No way am I buying this place. Its too much work. I need to simplify my life so I can have fun.

 

Thanks for the help guys, and don't worry, I don't suspect I will be announcing that the ex and I got back together.

[KBarletta]

Chew, funny how similar our situations are. I suspect, too, that my wife thinks she could come back and I would welcome her with open arms. I did try to get her back for a week or two after she decided to leave. And I have always been the one to break the ice whenever we would fight. If there was an apology to be made in our relationship, it always started with me. Not this time around, though, as I have nothing to apologize for, and I am not ready to hear one from her.

[chew123]

OK, back in the zone. Momentary relapse thinking I wanted wife back. Did a lot of thinking about why did I want her back. And I think it was because it would be easiegr and I would not have to continue on the new difficult journey that I am on.

 

It would be a decision based on fear of the unknown. And that is no way to make a decision.

 

I have always been a level headed engineer who made all my decisions based on logic. People used to compare me to Spock. None of that is helping me at all through this. The emotional side is just too strong.

 

KB, my wife has apologized numerous times. It is really meaningless though. If she had given me another chance once the affair came to light instead of saying she would not stop seeing him that would have been meaningful. Everything else she says is bs.

 

On another note I am going to have to back off on the woman I have been seeing. We took a long walk today and I realized I am really getting ahead of myself with her. I think I am attempting to plug her into my life as a replacement for my wife and that is not fair to her and not going to work. She is a completely different person, way more independent and mature than I am at this point. And she keeps pointing out that I need to learn to be happy alone. She is a wise woman and I will continue to see her a bite but I really need to slow down my planning a future with her and work on myself. As she says , stop thinking so much and enjoy each day for what it is.

[No Limit]

It sounds like your GF really, really likes you. Indeed, just using her as a minor rebound wouldn't be fair to her. Must be quite hard to adjust to a woman with both understanding AND patience!

[road]

KB, my wife has apologized numerous times. It is really meaningless though. If she had given me another chance once the affair came to light instead of saying she would not stop seeing him that would have been meaningful. Everything else she says is bs.

 

 

 

Meaningless?

 

 

Do you realize that most WW do not end their affair on D day. For they are not able to break their addiction to the OM at that time. Though they are eventually able to pull their head from out of their butt and realize that the affair is wrong, and who the OM really is.

[Steen719]

On another note I am going to have to back off on the woman I have been seeing. We took a long walk today and I realized I am really getting ahead of myself with her. I think I am attempting to plug her into my life as a replacement for my wife and that is not fair to her and not going to work. She is a completely different person, way more independent and mature than I am at this point. And she keeps pointing out that I need to learn to be happy alone. She is a wise woman and I will continue to see her a bite but I really need to slow down my planning a future with her and work on myself. As she says , stop thinking so much and enjoy each day for what it is.

 

Good for you and for her. She sounds like she cares about your well being and understands your situation. Like No Limit, I think she does like you and better yet, she is not being selfish, which must be a nice change.

 

Things get easier. It takes some time and perspective from a distance.

 

How is your son with your STBXW? I ask because my son is not very keen on his dad. He loves him, I'm sure, but things between them will never be the same. He may resent the introduction to the new guy. My son was so angry at his dad for the introduction and that it was being pushed on him. And of course, in the way of the cheaters, that relationship did not last anyway.

 

Selfish people do not really think about the other person and how their actions hurt them. That is one nice thing about your new friend. She sounds nice.