Author Eighty_nine Posted October 21, 2014 Author Share Posted October 21, 2014 Also, you seem to keep backtracking or ignoring things you have said or what people have said to you in this thread. In your last post you specifically mention those things that aren't really shallow, but you completely ignore the shallow things you mentioned like masters degree & traveling the world. You see why people are being a bit harsh? Really? Intellect and an interest in seeing the world and experincing culture are shallow? You don't have to have any degree to have intellect. In fact my best friend doesn't have a HS diploma and I think she's very smart and thouhhtful. It would be nice if someone traveled, but really I'm looking for any interesting quality.. Any passion for life. I was just mentioning mine. School and travel and closeness with other people. I fail to see how that makes me shallow. Yes, I mentioned looks, so if you're going to call me shallow do it for that reason. Believe me, I wish mine didn't matter, I was it wwsnt a factor in choosing of mates but it is. I maintain that I haven't backtracked. If I've ignored some posts it's because I seriously can't keep up with the high volume of bashing! 1 Link to post Share on other sites
MissBee Posted October 21, 2014 Share Posted October 21, 2014 (edited) Alright, so... I'm sure other people have experienced this. In fact I know they have from threads I've read. I've recently had two separate incidents where people clearly less attractive/desirable than me played games with me, messed with my head, "dumped" me and came back etc etc. I am realistic about my own desirability. It's not that I believe I'm a 10- I just know I'm solidly attractive. These two particular people were less attractive, less educated, less social, had mood disorders, and just MUCH less going for them than I did. I've dated people who have loved and respected me who were better catches than these people. But they somehow made me feel not good enough for them, even though i KNEW based on previous experiences that I could get better quality people. I have never in my life had trouble attracting men, EVER. I've had several serious relationships. And flings. And I have lots of very good friends, a masters degree, have traveled all over the world, have a pretty good body and cute face etc etc. But two people clearly "below" me in all of these ways this past year totally had me wrapped around their finger, manipulated me, made me question my own worth. WHY do people not even in my league have the power to do this to me?! I understand that people tend to use people who they see as "below" them, but what about the dynamic where people are horrible to people who could clearly do better? Think about it though: if you feel someone is not in your league or "lower quality" than you are, WHY are you dating them? Are you doing them a favor? It seems as though if you date people who aren't quality people and they end up treating you poorly and you feel badly about it, it's that while you claim on some superficial level that you know your worth, your actions show you may not really. I think it's good you're questioning your worth, as if you keep dating people who have mental health issues, no career, no friends, and sound like losers, then something must be off with you for even being attracted to them. I had a friend who dated men less educated, less attractive than her etc. deliberately because she felt they would never leave her because they would be so grateful she was with them since she was "better"....two of those guys cheated on her and like you she was livid because how could a man "less than her" cheat on her. She didn't see the huge discrepancy there. The fact that willfully dating "less than" people shows you have your own issues where you fear being left and that maybe you aren't really good enough for people "on your level." Anyway, desirability and attractiveness are not written in stone and is totally up to the beholder and while you may think to yourself that you're all that and more, for whatever reason, this "less than" person may not agree with you or may not care about that or maybe they found someone more desirable so dumped you. I find the whole logic faulty really. People are people and you like who you like based on more things than just a match up of leagues or attractiveness and people get cheated on with less attractive, less wealthy, less educated people all the time because attraction is more than just calculating those things. However,if you consistently date people you feel are less than you in every way, you should probably ask yourself why you do this. I only date people whom I feel are my equals in the sense that I feel like I can learn from them, I respect and value them, which isn't just about who has the bigger degree or who is better looking etc and I can't fathom dating anyone where I felt like I was so much better than they are, what's the point? Edited October 21, 2014 by MissBee 1 Link to post Share on other sites
IronZ Posted October 21, 2014 Share Posted October 21, 2014 Also, you seem to keep backtracking or ignoring things you have said or what people have said to you in this thread. In your last post you specifically mention those things that aren't really shallow, but you completely ignore the shallow things you mentioned like masters degree & traveling the world. You see why people are being a bit harsh? Also, not to be that guy, but I feel like she's avoided every one of my posts. She keeps getting defensive in a very passive aggressive way about how "people" in this thread are talking about her, yet she won't acknowledge anything I've said. I thought I made some very good suggestions to her and she's still sticking with the woe is me mentality. Sorry but I can't help her anymore. It's like that thread the other day where the guy was being unreasonable about his gf drinking. He didn't want to hear anything we had to say, just wanted validation for his own actions. 2 Link to post Share on other sites
Woggle Posted October 21, 2014 Share Posted October 21, 2014 Attractive and desirable are subjective terms and maybe they see things differently than you do. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
rawrrxlaurr Posted October 21, 2014 Share Posted October 21, 2014 (edited) The answer is really simple, there are people in life who will treat you well and those who will treat you badly. All of those things you listed about yourself and the fact that you consider yourself a catch does not mean you're immune to being treated poorly by someone that chooses to do so. People, regardless of what "league" you choose to classify them in, have the right to dump someone for whatever reason they want and have the ability to screw you over. Being a nice, pretty girl doesnot change that and I think the reason people are responding negatively to you is because it sounds a little self centered to expect that having good qualities and being attractive means you should be exempt from that. If you felt these men were so terrible, you should have ended it before they had the chance to. The fact that you stayed with them and only complain about how beneath you they were after the fact makes it appear like a spoiled child that didn't get their way. Kind of like the hostility in your replies to those critisizing you also makes you appear that way. Edited October 21, 2014 by rawrrxlaurr 3 Link to post Share on other sites
NJ123 Posted October 21, 2014 Share Posted October 21, 2014 Really? Intellect and an interest in seeing the world and experincing culture are shallow? You don't have to have any degree to have intellect. In fact my best friend doesn't have a HS diploma and I think she's very smart and thouhhtful. It would be nice if someone traveled, but really I'm looking for any interesting quality.. Any passion for life. I was just mentioning mine. School and travel and closeness with other people. I fail to see how that makes me shallow. Yes, I mentioned looks, so if you're going to call me shallow do it for that reason. Believe me, I wish mine didn't matter, I was it wwsnt a factor in choosing of mates but it is. I maintain that I haven't backtracked. If I've ignored some posts it's because I seriously can't keep up with the high volume of bashing! Yes looking for someone specifically who has traveled the world & a masters degree is completely shallow. How can you say it's not? I swear to you I have never ever heard anyone specifically mentioning wanting a partner who has traveled the world as something they look for in a partner. You clearly said someone is "below" you if they haven't done those 2 things. Please do not backtrack & say you didn't say that. I'll even post what you said so you don't try to pretend you didn't. "I've had several serious relationships. And flings. And I have lots of very good friends, a masters degree, have traveled all over the world, have a pretty good body and cute face etc etc. But two people clearly "below" me in all of these ways this past year totally had me wrapped around their finger, manipulated me, made me question my own worth." And when did I say looks don't matter? Of course they matter in looking for someone. But no one is going to like hearing someone constantly talk about themselves saying "I'm beautiful & I know I am". People hate when others brag about these type of things about themselves & it comes across really bad. Link to post Share on other sites
Author Eighty_nine Posted October 21, 2014 Author Share Posted October 21, 2014 Yes looking for someone specifically who has traveled the world & a masters degree is completely shallow. How can you say it's not? I swear to you I have never ever heard anyone specifically mentioning wanting a partner who has traveled the world as something they look for in a partner. You clearly said someone is "below" you if they haven't done those 2 things. I NEVER SAID THAT! I just said those were things I've done that I happen to be proud about. Please READ my posts before you comment! It's like talking to a wall! IronZ id be happy to reply to your post basically calling me an egomanic. Let me find it... I'll be rolling my eyes while I search! The fact is people have offered good advice. But the extreme judgement of me having an ego problem is untrue, unhelpful, and based on super limited information. I haven't been able to respond to thoughtful replies because I'm too busy trying to explain that I'm not a monster. I'm a social worker! I help people for a living! I care deeply about people. I have never ever been described this way and it is upsetting, even though yeah, youre all total strangers who know nothing about me. It's silly to be worked up about it. Link to post Share on other sites
Maleficent Posted October 21, 2014 Share Posted October 21, 2014 OP, FFS stop it! All this is doing is validating the point people had about your attitude... Link to post Share on other sites
NJ123 Posted October 21, 2014 Share Posted October 21, 2014 Also, not to be that guy, but I feel like she's avoided every one of my posts. She keeps getting defensive in a very passive aggressive way about how "people" in this thread are talking about her, yet she won't acknowledge anything I've said. I thought I made some very good suggestions to her and she's still sticking with the woe is me mentality. Sorry but I can't help her anymore. It's like that thread the other day where the guy was being unreasonable about his gf drinking. He didn't want to hear anything we had to say, just wanted validation for his own actions. Yeah. I don't even have anything against this girl, it's just a forum with strangers so why would I? But she keeps coming across as someone she says she isn't & it's making me hard to believe some of the things she's saying. Link to post Share on other sites
NJ123 Posted October 21, 2014 Share Posted October 21, 2014 I NEVER SAID THAT! I just said those were things I've done that I happen to be proud about. Please READ my posts before you comment! It's like talking to a wall! IronZ id be happy to reply to your post basically calling me an egomanic. Let me find it... I'll be rolling my eyes while I search! The fact is people have offered good advice. But the extreme judgement of me having an ego problem is untrue, unhelpful, and based on super limited information. I haven't been able to respond to thoughtful replies because I'm too busy trying to explain that I'm not a monster. I'm a social worker! I help people for a living! I care deeply about people. I have never ever been described this way and it is upsetting, even though yeah, youre all total strangers who know nothing about me. It's silly to be worked up about it. But you did say that. I just posted exactly what you said word for word. Why are you saying you didn't? And if your a social worker, why would you even bring up someones mental health issues? That just seems really odd to me, I'd like to think someone in your field would be more compassionate about these type of things instead of viewing it as a flaw in someone. Link to post Share on other sites
Maleficent Posted October 21, 2014 Share Posted October 21, 2014 But you did say that. I just posted exactly what you said word for word. Why are you saying you didn't? And if your a social worker, why would you even bring up someones mental health issues? That just seems really odd to me, I'd like to think someone in your field would be more compassionate about these type of things instead of viewing it as a flaw in someone. Nan. If anything it's worse. They deal with mental health issue on a daily basis I can imagine they want to do at home is deal with more mental illness... Link to post Share on other sites
NJ123 Posted October 21, 2014 Share Posted October 21, 2014 Nan. If anything it's worse. They deal with mental health issue on a daily basis I can imagine they want to do at home is deal with more mental illness... I understand that, but why view it in such a negative light? Why be in that type of work field if you view people with depression or other health issues in such a negative way? 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Author Eighty_nine Posted October 21, 2014 Author Share Posted October 21, 2014 (edited) OP, FFS stop it! All this is doing is validating the point people had about your attitude... Really, is it? Defending serious personal attacks on my character = big ego? I don't view people with mental health issues in a negative light. I'm good at what I do. I don't have a ton of sympathy for people who don't work on these issues and treat others badly because of them. But, I've said this same things multiple times. You're just blatantly ignoring me. And once again I never ever ever said having a degree and travel were requirements in partners... I've never had any "requirements" and everyone I've been with has been differen. I said those are things I'm proud of about myself. But this debate is utterly pointless; you've made your judgments, have them. Edited October 21, 2014 by lissvarna Link to post Share on other sites
NJ123 Posted October 21, 2014 Share Posted October 21, 2014 Really, is it? Defending serious personal attacks on my character = big ego? I don't view people with mental health issues in a negative light. I'm good at what I do. I don't have a ton of sympathy for people who don't work on these issues and treat others badly because of them. But, I've said this same things multiple times. You're just blatantly ignoring me. And once again I never ever ever said having a degree and travel were requirements in partners... I've never had any "requirements" and everyone I've been with has been differen. I said those are things I'm proud of about myself. But this debate is utterly pointless; you've made your judgments, have them. Seems we're going to keep going in circles with this. You know the things you've said & you never even apologized. Maybe you said those things in the heat of the moment & you just typed it with anger & didn't really mean to. But it is what it is. Link to post Share on other sites
Author Eighty_nine Posted October 21, 2014 Author Share Posted October 21, 2014 Seems we're going to keep going in circles with this. You know the things you've said & you never even apologized. Maybe you said those things in the heat of the moment & you just typed it with anger & didn't really mean to. But it is what it is. I think you really need to re read my posts. Youve taken a lot of what I've said out of context. I haven't apologized because I didn't say/mean the things you keep saying I said. There were wording issues and I acknowledge that, but by this point I've clarified them many times. Link to post Share on other sites
NJ123 Posted October 21, 2014 Share Posted October 21, 2014 I think you really need to re read my posts. Youve taken a lot of what I've said out of context. I haven't apologized because I didn't say/mean the things you keep saying I said. There were wording issues and I acknowledge that, but by this point I've clarified them many times. It's just hard to believe that's all. The things you've been saying in your posts after your first post have so many inconsistencies in it. You keep changing around the meaning of what you said for every single thing you were called out on saying in your 1st post. There's like 10 things or so in your first post that you denied ever saying. It's just very very hard to believe that all those multiple things you wrote were taken out of context. And there's 15 people who agreed with my 1st post on here. So they felt the same I did, or at least in some similar way. Link to post Share on other sites
NJ123 Posted October 21, 2014 Share Posted October 21, 2014 Also, just want to add I genuinely have nothing against you. I don't even know you so don't take it like I dislike you or anything, it's just like I said it's hard to believe that every single thing you said were taken out of context since there's so many of them to even count. Link to post Share on other sites
Tayken Posted October 21, 2014 Share Posted October 21, 2014 if you feel someone is not in your league or "lower quality" than you are, WHY are you dating them? Are you doing them a favor? It seems as though if you date people who aren't quality people and they end up treating you poorly and you feel badly about it, it's that while you claim on some superficial level that you know your worth, your actions show you may not really. . Ah...Bingo. I think we all know the answer to that one. Which leads us to this.... I had a friend who dated men less educated, less attractive than her etc. deliberately because she felt they would never leave her because they would be so grateful she was with them since she was "better"....two of those guys cheated on her and like you she was livid because how could a man "less than her" cheat on her Ahahaha..surprised anyone? The amount of women out there that think like this too. As the saying goes, "show me a beautiful woman, and I'll show you someone who is sick and tired of ............her" Link to post Share on other sites
bolase Posted October 21, 2014 Share Posted October 21, 2014 I understand that, but why view it in such a negative light? Why be in that type of work field if you view people with depression or other health issues in such a negative way? Um I think you're being really obtuse about this point. I think most people, regardless of whether they are a social worker assisting people with mental health issues daily OR NOT, can agree that mental issues are negative, very negative in the context of a dating relationship. If given the choice I don't think anyone would choose that their partner had mental health issues. It makes communication harder. It affects the relationship negatively. Like many health issues do. That doesn't meet OP stigmatises people with mental health issues in general (non-dating scenarios) or sees them as below her. It means she knows enough to consider them a risk to a dating relationship. As do I, from experience. Link to post Share on other sites
jeffmeyers Posted October 21, 2014 Share Posted October 21, 2014 Also, not to be that guy, but I feel like she's avoided every one of my posts. Don't feel bad, she avoided all of mine. To be fair, she's only one person while the angry mob against her are so numerous. Link to post Share on other sites
NJ123 Posted October 21, 2014 Share Posted October 21, 2014 Um I think you're being really obtuse about this point. I think most people, regardless of whether they are a social worker assisting people with mental health issues daily OR NOT, can agree that mental issues are negative, very negative in the context of a dating relationship. If given the choice I don't think anyone would choose that their partner had mental health issues. It makes communication harder. It affects the relationship negatively. Like many health issues do. That doesn't meet OP stigmatises people with mental health issues in general (non-dating scenarios) or sees them as below her. It means she knows enough to consider them a risk to a dating relationship. As do I, from experience. Like I already said in my previous post I understand that, but OP was making it seem like she viewed it in such a negative way. But I've already discussed this with the OP a few times. And her stance is that it was taken out of context among numerous other things she said in her post. Link to post Share on other sites
Emilia Posted October 21, 2014 Share Posted October 21, 2014 OP, perhaps your posting on this thread is indicative of the trouble you face: your question has been answered several times and I think you recognise that some of those are on the money and you know what you need to fix. However, you still keep engaging with people here who are either projecting their own insecurities on you, enjoy baiting you out of boredom or will never agree with you because they view life and dating so differently. Perhaps it's a good lesson on when interaction is counterproductive and should stop rather than try to convince those that will be never convinced because they don't want to be? Link to post Share on other sites
Maleficent Posted October 21, 2014 Share Posted October 21, 2014 Really, is it? Defending serious personal attacks on my character = big ego? Not necessarily but you are coming off as one giant brat. Sorry. You came here telling how you thought you were better than some people. Right there, this is going to stroke a lot of people the wrong way no matter the reason. Now one person pointed out to you your attitude and immediately you wanted to have the thread deleted. This somehow did not happen and you've been trying to justify yourself and getting on your high horse for the last 6 pages when all you could have done is apologize for bad wording and try to explain yourself. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Maleficent Posted October 21, 2014 Share Posted October 21, 2014 You're just blatantly ignoring me. Ohhh trust me I have carefully read every.single.of.your.posts. That sh*t's entertaining! Link to post Share on other sites
Keenly Posted October 21, 2014 Share Posted October 21, 2014 Did you enter into a relationship with a "less desirable" man so that you could use that as some kind of poker chip against him? 1 Link to post Share on other sites
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