Why do less attractive/desirable people dump more desirable people?

[kaylan]

I think attraction and chemistry overcomes traditional social ideals.

 

Or you just are a magnet for *******s.

This.

 

My recent situation made me realize that feelings cannot be explained, and societal ideals and checklists are meaningless.

 

 

You feel what you feel. Sure you are sexy, educated, well-traveled, and cultured....but if we dont click...we dont click.

[kaylan]

Im going to go ahead and request this thread be deleted, since what I think Is a completely legitimate topic is being totally warped into me having "ego issues". Couldn't be farther from the truth. Knowing I have my **** together and make a good partner does not equal ego issues. I have a realistic view of myself and know I can do better than people who treated me poorly and had problems in several areas of their lives. What made me post this was actually another girl on this forum who seems sweet, articulate and pretty and is being totally messed with by a person who seems far less desireble than she does.

 

And I did NOT NOT NOT say they were below me because they had depression just because I used those two phrases in one sentance. Amazing how you'll all skew anything.

Ask yourself why you and this other girl fall for these guys in the first place?

 

Ive fallen for women who others may say I can do better than, but the heart wants what it wants.

[chimpanA-2-chimpanZ]

OP, have you considered the possibility that maybe those guys thought they could do better? Maybe they wanted to be in a relationship with someone they loved and respected rather than someone who's hyperaware of her "status" and subconsciously putting them down.

 

Love is not about finding the most socially desirable person you can get. The fact that you're even asking this question---as though some people don't have the right to dump others and ought to feel lucky with whoever they have---is really pretty disturbing. Stop thinking of people as "below" you. If someone is less attractive, they're less attractive. If they make less money, they make less money. Neither of those things make someone else greater or lesser human beings.

[NJ123]

Im going to go ahead and request this thread be deleted, since what I think Is a completely legitimate topic is being totally warped into me having "ego issues". Couldn't be farther from the truth. Knowing I have my **** together and make a good partner does not equal ego issues. I have a realistic view of myself and know I can do better than people who treated me poorly and had problems in several areas of their lives. What made me post this was actually another girl on this forum who seems sweet, articulate and pretty and is being totally messed with by a person who seems far less desireble than she does.

 

And I did NOT NOT NOT say they were below me because they had depression just because I used those two phrases in one sentance. Amazing how you'll all skew anything.

 

sorry, but you said exactly that in your first post. The least you could have done was apologize instead of trying to backtrack on your statement & now wanting the thread deleted because it's viewing you in a bad light now.

[NJ123]

And it seems you like dating these people because you have some sort of superiority complex where you don't want to date anyone on your so called "level" since you don't want anyone to be "superior" to you in your relationship. Since why would you date these guys in the first place if deep down you view them in such a god awful light.

[Yookie]

I should have left out my personal experince and asked a general question. Which is the reason I started this thread in the first place.. Because I see it happen to others often. Now it's just about bashing me and my supposedly big ego. The Internet is a bummer. Unfortunate wording in a post and people have a completely inaccurate image of me.

 

Anyway, part of the reason I used the word below is because of how they treated me. I treat people with kindess, maintain good friendships and family relationship, interact well with coworkers and people in general. The people who I'm talking about can't maintain many relationships and generally treat people poorly. I'm working on my issues and why I got attached to people like this in the first place. I should have asked this GENERAL question because I'm wondering what happens on the side of the manipulator when they are involved with someone who clearly could do better and I do NOT mean for shallow reasons. I bring up looks because sadly... They matter. But that's really not what my general question was about.

 

On the side of the manipulator the person they are manipulating is a doormat because they are easy to manipulate. It doesn't matter how good the victim looks or their social status. In the eyes of the manipulator they are week minded and stupid because they allow themselves to be manipulated. The manipulator feels superior and will eventually dump the target when they get bored of toying with them or the target gains enough strength to fight back. If they do it right the target usually gets weaker though.

[dragonfire13]

OP try not to let the online bashing get to you. To address your question, I think some men have such a massive ego that they don't think that they're with a catch, thinking that they are in fact the catch.

 

Pulling an attractive girl to them is kind of like validation of that...whereas in reality, some females may have looked beyond shallow reasons and dated a guy to give him a chance.

 

Like other posters have said, try to have higher standards and decline dates from these guys if your gut is saying you can do better.

[Rejected Rosebud]

If you feel that they are beneath you why did you want to go out with them in the first place? They probably think they're in the same league as you are, from their point of view, even though you don't think so. Why did you like them?

[Ruffian1]

"These two particular people were lessattractive, less educated, less social, had mood disorders, and just MUCH lessgoing for them than I did. I've dated people who have loved and respected mewho were better catches than these people.

 

But they somehow made me feel not good enough for them, even though i KNEWbased on previous experiences that I could get better quality people."

Please don’t judge everyone on a scale or what social norms say is a good catch. Everyone is born into different circumstances that shape their character. The environment one comes from helps shape a persons character.

 

 

A person born into modest means, who works hard and makes their own way through life maybe earns a bachelor degree, treats all people with respect and non-judgmental, is easy to laugh at him/herself and is selfless and willing to help others with no gain for themselves. They are realistic, understand the ways of life and know that richer, good looking does not an authentic caring person make.

 

 

A person born into well off finances, is handed a lot of things in life, is good looking and this has maybe caused some arrogant attitude, has a masters degree without a lot of work to get it (nothaving to work at the same time as going to school, parents or whoever helpspay off the loan or it was paid by someone else), and really is conscious of social status, etc, will not have the same characteristics.

 

 

Most people who have experience a lot of life understand that having all the right criteria, i.e. education, sociallife, etc does not make up for other important characteristics, i.e. compassion,understanding, empathy, loyalty, integrity, etc.

 

 

Some of the most smart, compassionate, authentic,selfless people I have ever met were “less educated” and not considered attractive. But they have certainqualities that are priceless. Peoplewith experience learn to look past the superficial and look at the core.

 

 

I know this is a very simplistic version of what I am trying to get across, but I think you get the jist of it.

Edited October 20, 2014 by Ruffian1

[GildedLily]

They just didn't feel a strong enough connection with you to move forward, has nothing to do with looks, degrees or other superficial stuff.

[Lernaean_Hydra]

I am so sorry you even started this thread. I, for one, am not going to bash you because I get where you're coming from completely. But I will say, one thing I've learned about people is that a lot of times, they don't like it when others label themselves as attractive or more attractive than __.

 

I myself have experienced this here of all places. My ex cheated on me and I was baffled because the OW was clearly less attractive than me yet people jumped down my throat for having the audacity to say I was more attractive than her .

 

Now, to answer the question in your OP...sometimes it's an ego thing. Some guys get a genuine thrill out of playing with the emotions of a pretty girl, especially one that would typically be out of their league. Sometimes it's just a product of their own insecurity, other times it's their twisted little way of trying to "take her down a peg" to make themselves feel better.

 

If someone - in your case, a guy or several guys - is keenly aware you are more attractive than them and/or have more to offer in a relationship, it can make them feel like they have quite the upper hand if they can chip away at your self-esteem enough so that you begin to think it is you who is lacking. It can be a powerful manipulation tool and serve as a way to ensure you don't dump them because you've begun to feel less than.

 

If you're preoccupied with what could be wrong with you or how you can now be worthy of them, then you'll probably be too busy to notice their various and sundry shortcomings. The reality of the situation is, attractive women often have the most trouble with dating for numerous reasons and this just happens to be one of them.

 

I don't think you're egotistical, nor do I think it's wrong for anyone to be conscious of their own desirability. There are enough women out there who "don't know how attractive they are" or have self-esteem issues. You don't have to be one of them nor should you pretend to be. Recognizing that you're astehtically more attractive than someone else isn't a crime and it doesn't mean you think you're "superior". .

Edited October 20, 2014 by Lernaean_Hydra

[Emilia]

less social, had mood disorders,

I'd imagine your situation and these traits in those guys are related.

[Emilia]

Anyway, part of the reason I used the word below is because of how they treated me. I treat people with kindess, maintain good friendships and family relationship, interact well with coworkers and people in general. The people who I'm talking about can't maintain many relationships and generally treat people poorly. I'm working on my issues and why I got attached to people like this in the first place. I should have asked this GENERAL question because I'm wondering what happens on the side of the manipulator when they are involved with someone who clearly could do better and I do NOT mean for shallow reasons. I bring up looks because sadly... They matter. But that's really not what my general question was about.

You have answered your question. It doesn't matter who you are, it's not about you, it's about them. The best thing you can do is - like you have already said - working on your issues and try not to get drawn to people like this.

[bolase]

I've been there once OP, last year, hopefully just the once. I tried to dump him even, bc he was clearly still wrapped up with his ex. But when I tried, he told me it would be a tragedy, he felt we were going somewhere, he was falling in love! Then after a second time when he went on about that ex and I called him out on it, and just before I could break up with him for real, he broke up with me saying he had nothing to give. What a lie. I got upset for a long time wondering what was wrong with me. No other guy had made me feel so crap about myself.

 

He was awful to be with, he made me feel dumb and guilty constantly for not getting his obscure references or knowing things he knew about, like asking me three times if I knew was XYZ was, yet at the same time not being particularly interested in things I was into. I don't know why I did it, apart from the fact he's sexy and pretended to really like me.

 

I still haven't 100% forgiven myself for staying with someone who made me feel so bad, so used, for nearly half a year but I'm glad we are not together.

 

Just don't even date someone who doesn't make you feel really good about yourself just how you are.

[BluEyeL]

OP, it doesn't matter why less attractive people dump more attractive people. They don't see themselves as less attractive and therefore have to stick with someone more attractive. They might think they can get someone else as attractive as you (physically), or if they are emotionally unstable they act erratic and can't form bonds etc.

 

What you need to worry about is choosing someone based on their character and values and don't let anyone, no matter how attractive or less attractive treat you bad. Their reasons of behaving one way or another don't matter. If these people have "the power" to make you feel bad, correct that within yourself. Don't let anyone make you feel bad or treat you less than you deserve. Cut them off at the first offense. Don't worry about being "too nice" before someone proved they deserve you.

Edited October 20, 2014 by BluEyeL

[stillafool]

I'm not talking about wealth or what school I went to. Looks I guess a little bit, but that is not my point. I'm an interesting, caring, fun girl who is close to my family and friends. I connect with people easily, including the people I'm referring to. And I happen to be decent looking. These are people without friends, without much of a career to speak of, who both have some mental health issues (depression) and they totally used and manipulated me.

 

I think the question should be why do you fall for people who you feel are beneath you and who have the issues you listed above? Maybe you should only date the more desirable people you mentioned who want to date you. Why do you bother with the others? Also if you choose to date a person they are in your league.

Edited October 20, 2014 by stillafool

[stillafool]

OP try not to let the online bashing get to you. To address your question, I think some men have such a massive ego that they don't think that they're with a catch, thinking that they are in fact the catch.

 

 

Men aren't the only ones with a massive ego.

[dragonfire13]

Men aren't the only ones with a massive ego.

 

I agree, but the OP is specifically asking why some men seem to be ditching her, when she seems to be out of their league. That may be viewed as egotistical...but it might very well be true. None of use know as we don't know the people personally.

 

I'm just trying to answer the question posted, without judging the person who asked it, and offer a different perspective.

Edited October 20, 2014 by dragonfire13

[slizl]

When I was younger and more of a player, I loved dating and dumping girls who thought like you to knock them down a peg....

[stillafool]

I agree, but the OP is specifically asking why some men seem to be ditching her, when she seems to be out of their league. That may be viewed as egotistical...but it might very well be true. None of use know as we don't know the people personally.

 

I'm just trying to answer the question posted, without judging the person who asked it, and offer a different perspective.

 

I really wasn't commenting to you about what you wrote as much as I was just stating that women have massive egos. I've found that alot of people think they are more attractive and desirable than they actually are and that's why they get dumped.

[jeffmeyers]

"No matter how good she looks, somebody somewhere is tired of dealing with her ****"

 

Don't try to read anything into it or think you're special, they got tired of you.

 

Move on.

[Poppygoodwill]

Alright, so... I'm sure other people have experienced this. In fact I know they have from threads I've read.

 

I've recently had two separate incidents where people clearly less attractive/desirable than me played games with me, messed with my head, "dumped" me and came back etc etc.

 

I am realistic about my own desirability. It's not that I believe I'm a 10- I just know I'm solidly attractive. These two particular people were less attractive, less educated, less social, had mood disorders, and just MUCH less going for them than I did. I've dated people who have loved and respected me who were better catches than these people.

 

But they somehow made me feel not good enough for them, even though i KNEW based on previous experiences that I could get better quality people. I have never in my life had trouble attracting men, EVER. I've had several serious relationships. And flings. And I have lots of very good friends, a masters degree, have traveled all over the world, have a pretty good body and cute face etc etc. But two people clearly "below" me in all of these ways this past year totally had me wrapped around their finger, manipulated me, made me question my own worth.

 

WHY do people not even in my league have the power to do this to me?! I understand that people tend to use people who they see as "below" them, but what about the dynamic where people are horrible to people who could clearly do better?

 

You're asking the wrong question. Instead of "why does this apparent loser treat me so badly when I'm so much better than he is?", you should be asking, "what's wrong with me that I am letting another person put me in teh position of feeling bad about myself?"

 

You make it seem like it's these men who are "below" you who are the source of the problem. But if you're being taken advantage of, if you're suffering mistreatment, or finding yourself doubting your self worth...the solution to that is in yourself. Not in anyone else.

[Tayken]

You make it seem like it's these men who are "below" you who are the source of the problem. But if you're being taken advantage of, if you're suffering mistreatment, or finding yourself doubting your self worth...the solution to that is in yourself. Not in anyone else.

 

^ I concur with this sentiments.

[Eighty_nine]

You're asking the wrong question. Instead of "why does this apparent loser treat me so badly when I'm so much better than he is?", you should be asking, "what's wrong with me that I am letting another person put me in the position of feeling bad about myself?"

 

 

And I am. This isn't the place that I'm looking for help with that- on my own I have sought professional help with that. This thread was me questioning the OTHER side of the problem. Which is why I made a massive mistake talking about my personal experience and should've just asked the question.

 

For all of you who are ignoring my posts- I DID NOT COME INTO THESE RELATIONSHIPS ACTING LIKE OR THINKING THAT I WAS BETTER THAN ANYONE. No one needed to "knock" me down a peg. Also, I am unconcerned with my social "status". I don't make a particularly lot of money. My point was I'm hard working, intellectual and a GREAT friend, sister, daughter etc etc. I do think those things, in addition to being reasonably attractive, make me a good catch. Absolutely will not explain/apologize for this again.

 

And thank you to the people who actually shared relevant experiences- I enjoyed reading your feedback.

[NJ123]

And I am. This isn't the place that I'm looking for help with that- on my own I have sought professional help with that. This thread was me questioning the OTHER side of the problem. Which is why I made a massive mistake talking about my personal experience and should've just asked the question.

 

For all of you who are ignoring my posts- I DID NOT COME INTO THESE RELATIONSHIPS ACTING LIKE OR THINKING THAT I WAS BETTER THAN ANYONE. No one needed to "knock" me down a peg. Also, I am unconcerned with my social "status". I don't make a particularly lot of money. My point was I'm hard working, intellectual and a GREAT friend, sister, daughter etc etc. I do think those things, in addition to being reasonably attractive, make me a good catch. Absolutely will not explain/apologize for this again.

 

And thank you to the people who actually shared relevant experiences- I enjoyed reading your feedback.

 

You actually didn't apologize at all. You said what you did & need to own up to it. I told you I was offended & than you completely backtracked on your statements. So why do you think most are viewing you in a bad light on here?

 

You also completely ignored my post when I asked you why are you even going out with these guys if you view them in such a horrible way deep down? In your own mind you feel completely superior to these guys you were with, not exactly something a guy wants from a woman.

Edited October 20, 2014 by NJ123