Why do less attractive/desirable people dump more desirable people?

[Eighty_nine]

You actually didn't apologize at all. You said what you did & need to own up to it. I told you I was offended & than you completely backtracked on your statements. So why do you think most are viewing you in a bad light on here?

 

You also completely ignored my post when I asked you why are you even going out with these guys if you view them in such a horrible way deep down? In your own mind you feel completely superior to these guys you were with, not exactly something a guy wants from a woman.

 

It is seriously upsetting how some users on forums like these are so totally set on twisting words EVEN WHEN people make multiple attempts to clarify. I think some people villainize posters and then REFUSE to see it the other way.

I DID NOT SAY I WAS BETTER THAN ANYONE BECAUSE THEY HAD MENTAL HEALTH ISSUES. YES, I did include that as a factor. And why did I include it? because i believe they treat others badly partially for this reason. That doesn't mean EVERY person with depression does this. But I do not have a ton of empathy for people with such issues WHO TREAT OTHERS POORLY and do not seek help.

You're right, I did not apologize and the only apology I owe anyone is for unfortunate wording. I agree, there were parts of my first post that made implications I did not mean to make. But I have clarified this.

 

I will say again- I didn't GO INTO these relationships feeling at all superior. I never, ever sent that message to them. It is LOOKING BACK that I see I could do better. And I should not be ashamed for saying that.

 

Someone earlier said I clearly don't have my **** together-- when it comes to picking partners, that is true. The rest of my life is positive, healthy, and together. But this IS a problem for me, yes.

Edited October 20, 2014 by lissvarna

[jeffmeyers]

Ok so you admit your OP is poorly worded. Fine.

 

You also admit you were a poor judge of character for boyfriend choices (let's not say they were less "desirable") and these people treated you badly. Fine but why keep picking at this issue?

 

These bad boyfriends probably read you better than you read them, you got played, the end. Live and learn.

[NJ123]

It is seriously upsetting how some users on forums like these are so totally set on twisting words EVEN WHEN people make multiple attempts to clarify. I think some people villainize posters and then REFUSE to see it the other way.

I DID NOT SAY I WAS BETTER THAN ANYONE BECAUSE THEY HAD MENTAL HEALTH ISSUES. YES, I did include that as a factor. And why did I include it? because i believe they treat others badly partially for this reason. That doesn't mean EVERY person with depression does this. But I do not have a ton of empathy for people with such issues WHO TREAT OTHERS POORLY and do not seek help.

You're right, I did not apologize and the only apology I owe anyone is for unfortunate wording. I agree, there were parts of my first post that made implications I did not mean to make. But I have clarified this.

 

I will say again- I didn't GO INTO these relationships feeling at all superior. I never, ever sent that message to them. It is LOOKING BACK that I see I could do better. And I should not be ashamed for saying that.

 

Someone earlier said I clearly don't have my **** together-- when it comes to picking partners, that is true. The rest of my life is positive, healthy, and together. But this IS a problem for me, yes.

 

Well, if your really telling the truth than you definitely need to work on how you word your posts. Since there's 3 or 4 posts in this thread alone that make you come across as a person with huge egotistical problems. Since in your first post especially everything is negative towards others & you list like 10 things about yourself that you feel superior to these other guys in.

[BlueIris]

It is seriously upsetting how some users on forums like these are so totally set on twisting words EVEN WHEN people make multiple attempts to clarify. I think some people villainize posters and then REFUSE to see it the other way.

I DID NOT SAY I WAS BETTER THAN ANYONE BECAUSE THEY HAD MENTAL HEALTH ISSUES. YES, I did include that as a factor. And why did I include it? because i believe they treat others badly partially for this reason. That doesn't mean EVERY person with depression does this. But I do not have a ton of empathy for people with such issues WHO TREAT OTHERS POORLY and do not seek help.

You're right, I did not apologize and the only apology I owe anyone is for unfortunate wording. I agree, there were parts of my first post that made implications I did not mean to make. But I have clarified this.

 

I will say again- I didn't GO INTO these relationships feeling at all superior. I never, ever sent that message to them. It is LOOKING BACK that I see I could do better. And I should not be ashamed for saying that.

 

Someone earlier said I clearly don't have my **** together-- when it comes to picking partners, that is true. The rest of my life is positive, healthy, and together. But this IS a problem for me, yes.

 

So you dated some people who didn’t treat you nicely and you are asking about why they treated you badly? Who knows? There could be a million reasons.

 

They aren’t necessarily a side of THE problem, because it isn’t a problem they have. It’s a problem you have WITH them, as you said. They might treat someone else differently or they might find someone who likes to play emotional rock-em-sock-em robots with them. Some people devalue partners. Some people wig out when they get into a relationship and start sabotaging it. Some people think being nice or loving is weakness and they go in for the kill. Some people don’t appreciate partners, or even resent their partners. These behaviors span the desirability spectrum, though, and even span the species. An old friend of mine had a cat that was really nice and purry and attentive until you petted her for a while and then she’d snap and sink her teeth into you. I have no idea why and didn't care- I just stayed away from that cat.

[stillafool]

 

I've recently had two separate incidents where people clearly less attractive/desirable than me played games with me, messed with my head, "dumped" me and came back etc etc.

 

I am realistic about my own desirability. It's not that I believe I'm a 10- I just know I'm solidly attractive. These two particular people were less attractive, less educated, less social, had mood disorders, and just MUCH less going for them than I did. I've dated people who have loved and respected me who were better catches than these people.

 

I have never in my life had trouble attracting men, EVER. I've had several serious relationships. And flings. And I have lots of very good friends, a masters degree, have traveled all over the world, have a pretty good body and cute face etc etc. But two people clearly "below" me in all of these ways this past year totally had me wrapped around their finger, manipulated me, made me question my own worth.

 

WHY do people not even in my league have the power to do this to me?! I understand that people tend to use people who they see as "below" them, but what about the dynamic where people are horrible to people who could clearly do better?

 

Because when it comes to attraction, love and chemistry leagues don't matter. People either fall in love with you or they don't. Degrees, good friends, being well traveled and cute are only important to people who are seeking a person with these qualities. They have nothing to do with love. I think those things are important to you and perhaps you would be better matched with someone who wants the same from their partner. I would suggest in the future to question the men carefully about their backgrounds before you date them just to make sure you two are compatible.

[IronZ]

Physical looks are just part of the attraction. I've met plenty of beautiful people that were downright ugly on the inside. Maybe they don't think your personality is all that great.

[NJ123]

Physical looks are just part of the attraction. I've met plenty of beautiful people that were downright ugly on the inside. Maybe they don't think your personality is all that great.

 

This completely. If a woman with amazing looks wanted to date me but had such a horrible personality I wouldn't want to stay with her. I wouldn't be able to deal with someone who fought with me all the time or viewed me in such a terrible way. I absolutely would not want to be with a woman who has some "I'm way superior to my b/f" view deep down. That would bother me a lot & would make me wonder why she's even with me. Looks absolutely do matter, but a great personality is obviously needed as well.

[IronZ]

I agree on the OP's superiority complex completely. She makes it seem like she's above all these guys she's seeing. Therein lies the problem. If you take yourself that seriously and act like you're better than someone else, they will get the sense you don't really appreciate them.

 

Me personally, I would want a girl who doesn't look down at me through her nose. Even if she was a drop-dead gorgeous knockout perfect 10, I'd dump her in a heartbeat if she acted like she was better than me.

[NJ123]

I agree on the OP's superiority complex completely. She makes it seem like she's above all these guys she's seeing. Therein lies the problem. If you take yourself that seriously and act like you're better than someone else, they will get the sense you don't really appreciate them.

 

Me personally, I would want a girl who doesn't look down at me through her nose. Even if she was a drop-dead gorgeous knockout perfect 10, I'd dump her in a heartbeat if she acted like she was better than me.

 

Exactly. She definitely has a superiority complex whether she wants to admit it or not. She wants to be the superior one in these relationships so she dates guys whom she views aren't on her own level to hide her own insecurities which causes huge problems. Her posts in this thread clearly show that. And she even admitted herself she has issues with picking people for relationships.

[Eighty_nine]

Because when it comes to attraction, love and chemistry leagues don't matter. People either fall in love with you or they don't. Degrees, good friends, being well traveled and cute are only important to people who are seeking a person with these qualities. They have nothing to do with love. I think those things are important to you and perhaps you would be better matched with someone who wants the same from their partner. I would suggest in the future to question the men carefully about their backgrounds before you date them just to make sure you two are compatible.

 

I've had multiple good relationships and they had nothing to do with what kind of degrees or travel experience my s/o had. What did matter was their kindness, intellect etc.

 

And let me just say it is AMAZING and borderline APPALLING the inferences people make about another human being based on a handful of messages. Really, truly sad! You're not only judging my posts but me as a person- you talk as if you know me so well. And if I am an egomaniac with an ugly personality it's truly a wonder that I manage so many healthy relationships with friends and family. Seriously.

[pteromom]

Someone earlier said I clearly don't have my **** together-- when it comes to picking partners, that is true. The rest of my life is positive, healthy, and together. But this IS a problem for me, yes.

 

 

I get what you were trying to say in your initial post, but you are getting angry at the wrong thing. You are offended that you were manipulated and dumped by those who should have been lucky to have you. Instead, you need to focus on fixing your picker, as you noted above.

 

There are many reasons people manipulate and dump others, no matter what their 'league' or attractiveness level is.

 

It's better not to worry about their reasons, and instead focus on the criteria you use to choose a partner.

 

I get that looks and status are a factor, but you don't want to use that as the main criteria to agree to date someone.

 

What is more important is his:

- integrity. Does he say what he means and mean what he says? Does he keep promises?

- stability. Does he have good relationships with his family and friends, or is he surrounded by a bunch of drama that is always other people's fault?

- respect. Does he enjoy who you are as a person? Does he appreciate your opinions and thoughts? Does he give you the space to be who you are? Is he accepting of your life and choices?

 

A guy being good looking and financially successful does not mean he is capable of being in a loving relationship.

 

Lastly - make sure you always go slowly. Build up some trust and friendship before you jump into the physical part and get swept away by emotions to the point where logic flies out the window.

[NJ123]

I've had multiple good relationships and they had nothing to do with what kind of degrees or travel experience my s/o had. What did matter was their kindness, intellect etc.

 

And let me just say it is AMAZING and borderline APPALLING the inferences people make about another human being based on a handful of messages. Really, truly sad! You're not only judging my posts but me as a person- you talk as if you know me so well. And if I am an egomaniac with an ugly personality it's truly a wonder that I manage so many healthy relationships with friends and family. Seriously.

 

You admitted yourself that you have issues in picking partners for relationships & you flat out said it's a problem for you. So how are we wrong in some of the things we've said? From all the things said in this thread it seems you don't want to be with someone on your own "level" so you been going for guys whom you think are inferior to you so you can feel like the superior one in the relationship.

Edited October 20, 2014 by NJ123

[IronZ]

I've had multiple good relationships and they had nothing to do with what kind of degrees or travel experience my s/o had. What did matter was their kindness, intellect etc.

 

And let me just say it is AMAZING and borderline APPALLING the inferences people make about another human being based on a handful of messages. Really, truly sad! You're not only judging my posts but me as a person- you talk as if you know me so well. And if I am an egomaniac with an ugly personality it's truly a wonder that I manage so many healthy relationships with friends and family. Seriously.

 

No one is judging you, we're just showing some tough love. I can only go by the information you've provided, and to me it seems like you see these guys as beneath you. You wouldn't have created an entire thread devoted to "less attractive/desirable people" unless you actually thought they were less attractive/desirable.

 

It might not even be that. Maybe they just didn't get along well with you or didn't see the relationship going anywhere. You asked us why someone less attractive would dump someone more attractive. The answer is simple, it's not always about looks.

 

Don't take offense to anything you see here. We're trying to help you.

[NJ123]

No one is judging you, we're just showing some tough love. I can only go by the information you've provided, and to me it seems like you see these guys as beneath you. You wouldn't have created an entire thread devoted to "less attractive/desirable people" unless you actually thought they were less attractive/desirable.

 

It might not even be that. Maybe they just didn't get along well with you or didn't see the relationship going anywhere. You asked us why someone less attractive would dump someone more attractive. The answer is simple, it's not always about looks.

 

Don't take offense to anything you see here. We're trying to help you.

 

Yeah. But she thinks we're attacking her now which isn't true, we just want her to understand that she obviously has her own flaws which she doesn't want to admit to. Just because she has healthy relationships with her friends & family doesn't mean anything when it comes to an actual romantic relationship. She admits to not picking the right guys for relationships, but she still doesn't seem to understand why & keeps going back to saying she has healthy relationships with her friends & family.

[Lernaean_Hydra]

Yeah. But she thinks we're attacking her now which isn't true, we just want her to understand that she obviously has her own flaws which she doesn't want to admit to. Just because she has healthy relationships with her friends & family doesn't mean anything when it comes to an actual romantic relationship. She admits to not picking the right guys for relationships, but she still doesn't seem to understand why & keeps going back to saying she has healthy relationships with her friends & family.

 

I'm sorry but some of you really do seem to be picking on her. It's like you stopped reading what she was saying after she mentioned her attractive qualities and never read a word she wrote thereafter.

[NJ123]

I'm sorry but some of you really do seem to be picking on her. It's like you stopped reading what she was saying after she mentioned her attractive qualities and never read a word she wrote thereafter.

 

Yeah, I can't lie at first I was because I was really offended by some of the things she said. I want to believe she's telling the truth that her words got twisted but she clearly has some flaws that she seems to keep ignoring. The only thing we can judge her on are by the things she posts here.

[IronZ]

I'm sorry but some of you really do seem to be picking on her. It's like you stopped reading what she was saying after she mentioned her attractive qualities and never read a word she wrote thereafter.

 

I thought I offered her some pretty good advice. I don't need validation from you though so no worries. I told her I wasn't attacking her and that I was showing tough love, because it's true. I've made my peace with that. If she feels differently, then sorry for that, but it was never my intention.

[LuckyLady13]

OP, you need to ask yourself why you're playing this 'victim' role when it comes to honest responses you got from people here because they all saw something about you that was so plainly obvious (to multiple people) but you don't see it. They pointed this out and you immediately wanted the thread deleted because you felt offended the moment anyone said you've got some "flaw". You became so defensive so quickly that you weren't able to take in the great advice you were getting.

 

I can't see how someone would have great relationships with anyone if the other person is constantly walking on eggshells to keep you happy and to prevent reactions from you like the reaction people got in this thread. That immediately makes me question all these other great relationships you said you had with other people. Answering your initial question becomes hard when it appears as if people aren't getting the truth from you.

 

Even if you generalized your thread and asked why less attractive/desirable people dump people out of their league, it's still such an incredibly shallow sounding question, especially when it comes to attractiveness and having a degree. Some of the greatest people of all time did not have a degree and were not the most attractive individuals.

 

I think you're basing how you date on certain criteria but you did say that these guys you dated (that you now feel manipulated by) were below you because of x, y and z. It takes next to no time to find out if a person is experiencing depression and if they have a degree so did you do the simplest thing and ask? And when you found out, did you break it off? Why not? If you don't, you're going to keep feeling "manipulated".

 

People are telling you that you have been your own problem, they've taken time out of their lives to explain to you what you're not seeing and tried to get you to take a good look at what you're doing so you don't keep making the same mistakes. I know they were being very genuine with their responses.

 

If you're not honest with people though, they can't help you.

[Keenly]

To answer the question in the thread title, there are two main reasons why anyone breaks up with anyone.

 

 

Either they found some one else

 

Or

 

They beleive the positives their partner brings to the table are outweighed by the negatives.

[Eighty_nine]

OP, you need to ask yourself why you're playing this 'victim' role when it comes to honest responses you got from people here because they all saw something about you that was so plainly obvious (to multiple people) but you don't see it. They pointed this out and you immediately wanted the thread deleted because you felt offended the moment anyone said you've got some "flaw". You became so defensive so quickly that you weren't able to take in the great advice you were getting.

 

I can't see how someone would have great relationships with anyone if the other person is constantly walking on eggshells to keep you happy and to prevent reactions from you like the reaction people got in this thread. That immediately makes me question all these other great relationships you said you had with other people. Answering your initial question becomes hard when it appears as if people aren't getting the truth from you.

 

Even if you generalized your thread and asked why less attractive/desirable people dump people out of their league, it's still such an incredibly shallow sounding question, especially when it comes to attractiveness and having a degree. Some of the greatest people of all time did not have a degree and were not the most attractive individuals.

 

I think you're basing how you date on certain criteria but you did say that these guys you dated (that you now feel manipulated by) were below you because of x, y and z. It takes next to no time to find out if a person is experiencing depression and if they have a degree so did you do the simplest thing and ask? And when you found out, did you break it off? Why not? If you don't, you're going to keep feeling "manipulated".

 

People are telling you that you have been your own problem, they've taken time out of their lives to explain to you what you're not seeing and tried to get you to take a good look at what you're doing so you don't keep making the same mistakes. I know they were being very genuine with their responses.

 

If you're not honest with people though, they can't help you.

 

Complete strangers essentially called me an egomaniac because of a couple poorly worded statements & the fact that I have some positive things to say about myself. Are you really telling me that it wasn't reasonable to become very defensive in that situation? And I need you to explain to me how as someone who knows nothing about me-- besides a few paragraphs I typed-- you can make such very serious judgments about me. Do you really believe anyone here has enough information to do so?

There's a difference between judging a post and choice of words than judging a perfect stranger, especially when I thoughtfully explained what I was trying to say.

[CrystalCastles]

Leagues are irrelevant. They don't matter. I don't know why people make a big deal out of them, but when you fall in love with someone, leagues, checklists, fly out the window. I've dated very attractive, well-established men and I just wasn't "feeling it" with them, so we went nowhere.

 

People are getting mad at you because you are focusing on the wrong things. Maybe those guys thought you were less attractive that them. Beauty is in the eye of the beholder, as cliche as that sounds. Maybe those men thought you were a 5, rather than the 10 you seem to think. Each person has their own idea of what kind of partner is desirable. Maybe their list is different than yours.

 

I think people also got mad because you listed a huge list of many very superficial and surface qualities that don't play that big of a role when you fall in love, and then you went on to paint the guys in question in a very ugly light. I personally don't like to listen to people making speeches about their many qualities, and it seems neither do other people.

 

I think you should also provide more context. Do you tend to rush into relationships quickly? Are you careful with who you go out with? I mean, do you really pay attention to how a man treats you, or do you just brush it off when he's rude to you? You need to learn to be more attentive to which guys you go out with- maybe you're ignoring too many red flags that would otherwise prevent you from getting into bad situations.

[Eighty_nine]

Leagues are irrelevant. They don't matter. I don't know why people make a big deal out of them, but when you fall in love with someone, leagues, checklists, fly out the window. I've dated very attractive, well-established men and I just wasn't "feeling it" with them, so we went nowhere.

 

People are getting mad at you because you are focusing on the wrong things. Maybe those guys thought you were less attractive that them. Beauty is in the eye of the beholder, as cliche as that sounds. Maybe those men thought you were a 5, rather than the 10 you seem to think. Each person has their own idea of what kind of partner is desirable. Maybe their list is different than yours.

 

I think people also got mad because you listed a huge list of many very superficial and surface qualities that don't play that big of a role when you fall in love, and then you went on to paint the guys in question in a very ugly light. I personally don't like to listen to people making speeches about their many qualities, and it seems neither do other people.

 

I think you should also provide more context. Do you tend to rush into relationships quickly? Are you careful with who you go out with? I mean, do you really pay attention to how a man treats you, or do you just brush it off when he's rude to you? You need to learn to be more attentive to which guys you go out with- maybe you're ignoring too many red flags that would otherwise prevent you from getting into bad situations.

 

This is what I mean. I said specifically I'm not a "10", just attractive. I never indicated I had no flaws, I said I thought I was a "good catch" and I stand by it. A huge list? Is reasonable attractiveness, some intellect, and competent social skills really a huge, shallow list?

 

I agree some posters in this thread offer very good advice. However, I have to point out the also very clear exaggerations of what I've said.

[NJ123]

This is what I mean. I said specifically I'm not a "10", just attractive. I never indicated I had no flaws, I said I thought I was a "good catch" and I stand by it. A huge list? Is reasonable attractiveness, some intellect, and competent social skills really a huge, shallow list?

 

I agree some posters in this thread offer very good advice. However, I have to point out the also very clear exaggerations of what I've said.

 

True, but what exactly does having a masters degree & traveling around the world have to do with anything when it seems so to you? I don't get what traveling has anything to do with anything whatsoever in terms of quality of partner. And a guy can have a very good job without needing a masters degree. Those are absolutely shallow reasons to look for in a partner.

[michellew]

Someone earlier said I clearly don't have my **** together-- when it comes to picking partners, that is true. The rest of my life is positive, healthy, and together. But this IS a problem for me, yes.

 

That was me. I apologize for being so blunt, but it is only because I can relate! I'm attractive and have my s*** together in every aspect of my life except for relationships. I can't tell you the root of your problem, but I know mine stem from unresolved childhood issues. I constantly push away nice guys, and attract unavailable men, jerks, or loonies. Perhaps we think we are undeserving of the good ones? You'll have to do some soul searching to figure this one out.

[NJ123]

Also, you seem to keep backtracking or ignoring things you have said or what people have said to you in this thread. In your last post you specifically mention those things that aren't really shallow, but you completely ignore the shallow things you mentioned like masters degree & traveling the world. You see why people are being a bit harsh?