Antidepressants and affairs...

[MadJackBird]

Nope not over the top. You just have no idea, haven't been around the block enough in life or don't watch the news.

 

Violence from husbands against wives is very common. Murder in these situations is a daily occurrence. She may or may not accurately predict his reaction.

 

Things will be more clear to her a few weeks from now, but nothing rash should be done on her part today in her current state of mind. She is in the beginning baby steps of grief, healing and self discovery. She needs weekly visits with her therapist right now if not more often for support and professional feedback.

 

100% agree on the advice for weekly visits with therapist. OP are you seeing a therapist now?

 

Still think you are over the top with the violence and murder stuff. How many times do confessed affairs happen and the husband doesn't murder the WW make the news? The comment he said is just something people say because they have not really lived it, I've had my friends say something similar. Most People are generally not sociopaths.

 

We've established OP wants to salvage the marriage. There are two paths to that, either she confesses and they work on rebuilding trust, or she never tells and works on improving herself, almost sweeping the A under the rug.

 

The first step either way is to 100% NC with AP as soon as possible. Change or quit the job. There will be no healing if he is still in the picture.

 

I guess people are wired differently, for me personally and as others have posted I couldn't live with the guilt on the lie I was living and swept under the rug. Others may be better at doing that.

[Spectre]

When it comes to child safety, child custody and personal safety, there is no need to rush anything and every reason to have all your ducks in a row, money set aside, a place to go, and people to help you.

 

You've never been through a seriously hellacious divorce with kids involved have you NJ123?

 

Have you been through one with no job and small children? And were you a woman at the time?

 

When men find out their wife has been *****ing another man, they tend to go apesh$t.

 

So essentially you are saying do not say anything until she is ready to be able to fly the coop the second she tells him. Classy.

 

Yes, people get mad over cheating. Not just men, anyone. 99.9999% are not going to get violent though. So not telling because of that is usually cowardice. Telling this woman she should take another few weeks to keep up this lie is just..astounding. Yep, have him keep living a lie..that is not at all an utterly horrible and selfish thing to do. That just shows pure love.

Edited October 22, 2014 by Spectre

[Mr. Lucky]

When it comes to child safety, child custody and personal safety, there is no need to rush anything and every reason to have all your ducks in a row, money set aside, a place to go, and people to help you.

 

You've never been through a seriously hellacious divorce with kids involved have you NJ123?

 

Have you been through one with no job and small children? And were you a woman at the time?

 

When men find out their wife has been *****ing another man, they tend to go apesh$t.

I recall several recent cases where wives attempted to poison their husbands to get insurance proceeds to fund their new life with AP.

 

Would you also advise her husband not to eat or drink anything someone else hasn't tasted first ???

 

Mr. Lucky

[Blackknight]

I think murder is a little dramatic. If the Op was physically abusive then I would definetly say get to a safe house and forget confessing. But nothing has indicated that. And we have no idea the context "i'd kill you". People joke that way all the time. Murder over infidelity happens. But it is usually a demogrpahic thing. Average joe doesn't murder his wife and average jane doesn't murder her husband.

[SawtoothMars]

\

1. You have an affair, it ends, you pick up the broken pieces and work on yourself on your own time and at your own expense. You do not shatter your spouse's world for some abstract idea that we always need to know everything. No stds, no children, no suspicions, what value and comfort really is in giving that spouse the truth. People may think they want to know everything but some things are better left unsaid. If my mom tried to abort me when she was pregnant I don't think for the sake of "honesty" she needs to unload that little tidbit on me to somehow ease her conscience. My not knowing isn't hurting me. But knowing I wasn't wanted would. So a family stays together, the affair is "forgotten" in time by the wayward. Certainly not forefront and centre on the their mind. Thy do trips together and fun things with the kids. There is no resentment or unhealthy imbalance. Only this notion that somehow this spouse is being hurt because x many years ago for a month or a year their spouse cheated. The kids graduate in a whole home with both parents. The couple are there for each other through thick and thin. They grow old together and the BS never finds out. All that happiness isn't a lie. It is real, it really happened and was really felt. But our sense of entitlement for honesty above all else can be just another crappy and selfish decision.

With a story that ends like that. And yes there are affairs that are never discovered, how can anyone value this earth shattering disclosure over swallowing the guilt pill on your own?

But as I said earlier. If someone knows the chances of discovery are high or their bS is questioning them. Be fully honest and confess. Because if you're gonna confess or be caught sooner is better than later.

 

An entitlement to honesty? Isn't honesty imperative in a marriage?

 

I mean not to the point where you are blurting out whatever thought comes to your head, but in all things big and emotionally life impacting... honesty is required. I can't even begin to stress to you how important honesty is in a happy marriage.

 

Big secrets are so corrosive. They eat away at your self esteem and intimacy. I think you know this to be true from first hand experience.

[DKT3]

I think murder is a little dramatic. If the Op was physically abusive then I would definetly say get to a safe house and forget confessing. But nothing has indicated that. And we have no idea the context "i'd kill you". People joke that way all the time. Murder over infidelity happens. But it is usually a demogrpahic thing. Average joe doesn't murder his wife and average jane doesn't murder her husband.

 

I think it should be stated since this thread has gone this direction. 7 of 10 women murdered are murdered by a lover, IE husband, boyfriend, other man etc. In 80% of the cases infidelity is involved or at least suspected. And average joe is the one doing it, in most of the cases its the only crime they have ever committed. You just never know how someone will react in these situations.

[Blackknight]

An entitlement to honesty? Isn't honesty imperative in a marriage?

 

I mean not to the point where you are blurting out whatever thought comes to your head, but in all things big and emotionally life impacting... honesty is required. I can't even begin to stress to you how important honesty is in a happy marriage.

 

Big secrets are so corrosive. They eat away at your self esteem and intimacy. I think you know this to be true from first hand experience.

 

But is someone's happiness and contement of the one you betrayed worth the sacrifice that honest be ruler of all? I was only providing the reason why, under the right circumstance not telling may be the right path. People don't like to think there somethin they don't know about someone else close to them. Of course we all know she cheated and so everyone here feels the husband should know. But if she quits her job, goes NC and nevr cheats again? There is nothing but some idea of honesty to gain. I thibk far better than confessing past sins that are over is you know, making sure current behaviour and future behaviour isn't hurtful.

 

Having a secret from my husband wasn't what was eating at me. I thought it was but you know what was eating at me? Sleeping with another man. You know what twisted me up inside this last time. Reminsicing with that said man. Stop the relationship and poor conduct, focus on your spouse and their needs, and evaluate without bias the concept of "need to know".

 

My husband would have been spared a lot of unnecessary pain and anguish if I hadn't thought telling on myself was so important. I cheated, nothing can right that wrong. Confessing most certainly didn't help in him.

[MadJackBird]

I think it should be stated since this thread has gone this direction. 7 of 10 women murdered are murdered by a lover, IE husband, boyfriend, other man etc. In 80% of the cases infidelity is involved or at least suspected. And average joe is the one doing it, in most of the cases its the only crime they have ever committed. You just never know how someone will react in these situations.

 

Source? 73.6% of all statistics are made up

[NJ123]

I can't believe the discussion has turned to murder & domestic violence in this topic. I mean seriously? It's almost like some of you are trying to sway the OPs decision to never tell her husband.

[DKT3]

I can't believe the discussion has turned to murder & domestic violence in this topic. I mean seriously? It's almost like some of you are trying to sway the OPs decision to never tell her husband.

 

 

She is the one that took it there. By saying that he said he would kill her and the guy she was cheating with if she had an affair.

 

The truth is, you never know how someone will react. Most just do what's expected in the situation, leave, stay and try to make it work or nothing at all. However some do unthinkable things.

[DKT3]

Source? 73.6% of all statistics are made up

 

Stats are real, people seem to not trust or believe them, then do just what stats say they will.

 

Got in trouble before, for linking sources.

[Spectre]

I think it should be stated since this thread has gone this direction. 7 of 10 women murdered are murdered by a lover, IE husband, boyfriend, other man etc. In 80% of the cases infidelity is involved or at least suspected. And average joe is the one doing it, in most of the cases its the only crime they have ever committed. You just never know how someone will react in these situations.

 

*Shaking head* Dude..you just gave them a new excuse for a reason not to tell about cheating.

 

She is the one that took it there. By saying that he said he would kill her and the guy she was cheating with if she had an affair. .

 

Which is always strange because if this were actually true it would mean they definitely would never ever ever risk cheating on such a murderous person. So I usually have trouble buying the "not telling for my own safety" line. If you were brazen enough to bang someone else..well, you can be brazen enough to leave. If he'd kill you for leaving, I can't even imagine what he would do for cheating, which would probably be seen as way way worse.

 

Orrrr..the person KNOWS they will be killed for cheating but does it anyways and then what does that say about them, who needs sex so badly they risk death? See how dark these threads can get when we talk about this? I'm guessing when she says the guy would "kill her" for cheating it is not meant to be taken literally. If so, then..yeah, bigger problems at stake here.

Edited October 22, 2014 by Spectre

[Mr. Lucky]

I think it should be stated since this thread has gone this direction. 7 of 10 women murdered are murdered by a lover, IE husband, boyfriend, other man etc. In 80% of the cases infidelity is involved or at least suspected.

 

Just another endorsement for marital fidelity, it apparently would lower the murder rate 70-80%...

 

Mr. Lucky

[Red123]

She is the one that took it there. By saying that he said he would kill her and the guy she was cheating with if she had an affair.

 

The truth is, you never know how someone will react. Most just do what's expected in the situation, leave, stay and try to make it work or nothing at all. However some do unthinkable things.

 

I agree. I didn't do anything unthinkable, but I certainly did the opposite of what I thought I would've done. You never really know how you will react until your there. I was the queen of saying "if that was me". What a joke. I don't ever say that now.

[MadJackBird]

She is the one that took it there. By saying that he said he would kill her and the guy she was cheating with if she had an affair.

 

The truth is, you never know how someone will react. Most just do what's expected in the situation, leave, stay and try to make it work or nothing at all. However some do unthinkable things.

 

Actually the Like Fairy took it there.

[The Like Fairy]

Actually the Like Fairy took it there.

 

If we don't cover all the possibilities, the discussions in this forum would be hollow, lop-sided, inauthentic, counterfeit, and oftentimes downright dangerous via omitting crucial information.

 

In an abundance of caution, I prefer to err on the side of safety.

 

Particularly regarding an OP who feels flat and who's judgment is clouded via brain chemical storm which may be attributed in part to antidepressants.

 

I don't have a dog in this fight.

 

OP is a confused stranger on the internet seeking opinions regarding her situation and her life is independent of mine, so nothing personal on my end, just good common sense advice on my part, along with me respecting the contrary views of others on this thread.

 

But what drives your bitterness and makes this so personal for you?

 

You would do well to examine your motivations here.. You might make a personal breakthrough when you do.

 

True dat!

Edited October 23, 2014 by The Like Fairy

[MadJackBird]

If we don't cover all the possibilities, the discussions in this forum would be hollow, lop-sided, inauthentic, counterfeit, and oftentimes downright dangerous via omitting crucial information.

 

In an abundance of caution, I prefer to err on the side of safety.

 

Particularly regarding an OP who feels flat and who's judgment is clouded via brain chemical storm which may be attributed in part to antidepressants.

 

I don't have a dog in this fight.

 

OP is a confused stranger on the internet seeking opinions regarding her situation and her life is independent of mine, so nothing personal on my end, just good common sense advice on my part, along with me respecting the contrary views of others on this thread.

 

But what drives your bitterness and makes this so personal for you?

 

You would do well to examine your motivations here.. You might make a personal breakthrough when you do.

 

True dat!

 

This is going down a path that the original thread wasn't on, but I felt your ideas of violence of murder were as well. It is starting to become about me and not OP.

 

To try to answer your question though I'll ask you some questions first

 

Are you a WS? Have you personally been a BS?

 

I am a BS, multiple times over by my former wife. The first time my former wife confessed to her multiple adulteries I reacted very calmly and did everything I could to salvage my marriage. Four years later when she had her latest set of adulteries I discovered from the messages on her iPod. I was obviously more devastated the second time around. And reacted with more anger the second time around. Why? Because this time it was lies behind lies behind more lies.

 

Many people like myself will value integrity and honesty. I will always advise people to be open and honest and choose the path of integrity. To tell OP they shouldn't be open and honest may be more harmful then if she would be open and honest.

 

To get this back on topic.

 

OP, You said you want to salvage your marriage, Are you going to counselling? What steps are you taking to reconcile your marriage? What are you doing to earn your husband's trust. No marriage will survive if it isn't rooted in honesty and trust.

[Spectre]

So again I ask the OP: are you going to tell, yes or no? Do not listen to anyone crazy enough to tell you to wait to tell. This needs to be priority number 1 for you. You have the power to stop someone from waking up everyday to a lie, why not use it?

 

Or just hey take your time so you can just flee the coop the second you tell, because your feelings are obviously the most important thing here, you have not thought enough about yourself in this situation, right?

[Robert]

Moderation Note....after moderation has finished banning some members here, this thread is closed. The OP can open another thread if they like.