Antidepressants and affairs...

[NJ123]

Yes, he deserves to know.

 

But specifically when she decides to tell him, is entirely her decision and I don't dictate a time frame for that. She must use her own judgment regarding that.

 

And I am not implying specifically that you are one of the bitter jaded posters on this thread that would looooooooove to see a cheater crash and burn. But there ARE those type posters on this site.

 

True, but don't you think it should be rather sooner than later? It's almost like the affair is continuing in a way because they still see each other every single workday even though their not having sex anymore.

[2sunny]

If you don't tell your H now you could certainly consider quitting the job so you don't see your affair person each day you work.

[SawtoothMars]

I have certainly thought a lot about confessing. Sometimes I wonder if BSs really know if they would be able to get over the betrayal, but not the cover up. It all requires deceit. And if the BS is thinking that, they've obviously already been discovered both the A and the cover up. I expect it's extraordinary painful and difficult to know what would make it less or more so.

But - who am I to say?? Just conjecture.

 

Let me put it to you like this. I didn't "know" there was an affair until 2 years after our divorce. She acted very weird for a while... and some time later I got suspicious and did some digging. One thing that really had me convinced was the lengths to which her coworkers went to cover for her. She had kept us completely separate for years, but I found one of her friends took a yoga class at our gym and signed up. Actually even talking about this still makes me crazy. The whole situation created this absolute burning feeling, this all consuming need to know.

 

So from a guys perspective here is what mattered to me. I was in the marriage... I knew how crappy things were. If she had been willing to come out and be honest, that showed she still loved and respected me. Without that there is no marriage.

 

She never allowed me the opportunity to choose her. I was never given the chance to try... and that was unforgivable. The lies eventually ate her up... I mean it really mentally ravaged her. 2 full years after our divorce she called me up and apologized. I don't know about her, but I had already moved on.

 

I think there is a temptation for many people to think they can just sweep this under the rug and move on. It takes a sociopath to do that. Normal people just are not emotionally equipped to keep this kind of secret... it becomes like a cancer in the relationship. It completely wrecks intimacy, and often times the guilt is palpable.

[Spectre]

NJ and 2Sunny - not intending to ignore you. You're right. Telling would be the honest thing to do. And I imagine it would probably shake me out of my stupor to an extent. But I just feel numb. It's like I know what I need to do, and I know intellectually how awful and stupid my decisions were. But again, I feel like I'm watching someone else's life.

 

Translation: you are going to keep this poor sap in the dark because that is just what selfish folk do. Don't give us this bull about watching someone elses life. You were capable of coming here and making posts, so you are capable of telling your husband you cheated so he can very rightly divorce you and go find someone better.

 

Basically any reply to the thread at this point that doesn't include the phrase "I told my husband everything" is a waste of time.

 

Yes, he deserves to know.

 

But specifically when she decides to tell him, is entirely her decision and I don't dictate a time frame for that. She must use her own judgment regarding that.

 

And I am not implying specifically that you are one of the bitter jaded posters on this thread that would looooooooove to see a cheater crash and burn. But there ARE those type posters on this site.

 

Well you know what..sometimes cheaters do need to crash and burn. I don't want to see her crash and burn, I just want to see her husband stop living a lie with someone who could be with him for nearly 20 years and yet do this. Also, no..this is NOT on her. He deserves the truth immediately. She has zero right to keep this from him, period. There is no "her choice" in this, sorry. There are certain things in relationships you have ZERO right keeping from your partner, this is one of them. You don't get to sidestep it by saying you will tell..eventually, some day. Why? Because *its not about you* anymore, it is about the person betrayed.

 

See here is the thing, every single day with her husband she doesn't tell? Is a lie, period. So she has no right to make him live like that, so again..nope, not her choice here. Or rather I should say..if she feels it is? She ain't wife material. Granted, she already isn't given the whole "cheating" thing so..yeah.

Edited October 21, 2014 by Spectre

[MadJackBird]

Don't you dare tell your husband until you've talked to several attorneys (3 minimum, 4 - 6 even better) about divorce and whether your state is a no fault state, community property state, and what not!!!

 

Start reading articles (bunches and bunches) about divorce in your state.

 

Get educated beforehand, in case he seeks divorce.

 

Please don't listen to these people trying to egg you on into telling your husband!!!!

 

For Gods sakes they are jaded and bitter and want to see you crash and burn!!!

 

Use your intuition and go at your own pace with all this. I'm glad you are in counseling.

 

Gotta run, more later Hang in there!

 

Okay I won't discount that you should understand the divorce laws in your state. I think most states are no fault divorce in which case it doesn't really matter.

 

But in reply to the Like Fairy?!?!?! WOW?!? Who cares what the laws are in her state. Marriage is about trust and loyalty and commitment. Her having an affair has ripped all of that apart. He deserves to know the truth.

 

I'll ask my original question

 

OP,

 

Do you want to stay married to your husband? If you do you should be open and honest about this and everything in your marriage with him. There is no place for lies and deceit in marriage. He may want to repair and reconcile your marriage or he may not.

 

What do you want?

[OverIt75]

Okay I won't discount that you should understand the divorce laws in your state. I think most states are no fault divorce in which case it doesn't really matter.

 

But in reply to the Like Fairy?!?!?! WOW?!? Who cares what the laws are in her state. Marriage is about trust and loyalty and commitment. Her having an affair has ripped all of that apart. He deserves to know the truth.

 

I'll ask my original question

 

OP,

 

Do you want to stay married to your husband? If you do you should be open and honest about this and everything in your marriage with him. There is no place for lies and deceit in marriage. He may want to repair and reconcile your marriage or he may not.

 

What do you want?

 

I want to stay married to my husband and keep my little family together. Nothing is more important to me.

 

Believe me - if I could go back in time, I would run from this situation. There were so many times in the beginning when I would think - get out now, get away, it's not too late yet. But I didn't. Why? I've been trying to figure that out. At first, I was afraid to embarrass my boss and make things awkward (wrong focus, I know). And then I got sucked in. When my head emerged from the clouds, it kind of felt like it was too late. I've already screwed up royally.

 

I know that none of the above is an excuse. Just writing down my thoughts at the time.

 

The way I look at this, there are three possible outcomes:

 

1) I confess

2) I get discovered

3) No one ever finds out

 

I realize number 3 is unlikely, but in my head, it seems worth it to try for this. I mean, now that I am clearer, I don't want to spread pain if I don't have to!

 

The problem with this is, I don't know if I will be able to live with myself.

 

Number 2 is the worst outcome. I know.

 

Number 1 is the absolute scariest.

 

What if I have screwed up all of out lives for 10 months of absolute idiocy???

 

Feelings peeking through the numbness. I am crying right now for the first time in a long time...

[The Like Fairy]

You are in individual counseling, correct? Have you discussed the affair with your therapist?

 

I haven't read the whole thread yet so just checking. Talking thru with therapist will be helpful and cathartic. I can't recall if they could subpoena the record s for the divorce, I dont think so.

 

I am typing from my phone so these are short choppy response hy the way with grammatical inconsistencies. Sorry. Plus interruption from a sick kiddo.

 

Regarding antidepressants, yes, they make you flat and unfeeling oftentimes. I take Prozac and it takes off ths highs and lows and reduces ability to cry. So that is all chemical, the 'flat' phenomenon. But antidepressants don't change morality, moral decisions, or personal integrity.

 

Why wait to tell hubby? Only to heal a bit, talk to therapist, and have a plan. Learn about divorce and child custody and child support and division of assets. If you think there is any risk he will be violent when you tell him, you would safe guard yourself and the kids first and foremost.

 

Remember, women are murdered more often by their husbands and boyfriends than by strangers.

 

Men have murdered their wives (and children) over these type confessions.

 

You see it everyday in the news and I know of whole families killed after these confessions.

 

If you think he would go that route, you NEVER tell and you just start working towards divorce. Just sayin'.

 

Otherwise if you think he won't react violent (many dead women though t this as well) then talk at length with therapist, get your head together and tell him the truth. Then its up to him to work it out or divorce.

 

 

 

 

If you do tell him, maybe via phone is safest.

Edited October 21, 2014 by The Like Fairy

[The Like Fairy]

Easier to add another post than edit the last one on my phone.

 

So in summary, yes in theory, her husband deserves to not be living a lie of a marriage.

 

He deserves to know, but only if she plans to try to continue forward in the marriage.

 

 

If she chooses divorce, dont bother telling him. Also dont tell if too dangerous, just divorce.

 

So you have to really figure out which way you want to go and his reaction.

 

In a marriage, I wouldn't want to be cheated on or lied to. So he does deserve to know, if you continue in the marriage long term. But what long term means is defined BY YOU.

 

Not some meathead know it all's on an internet relationship forum

 

Good luck either way

 

Ps yes find a new job in order to heal and move on.

[NJ123]

I want to stay married to my husband and keep my little family together. Nothing is more important to me.

 

Believe me - if I could go back in time, I would run from this situation. There were so many times in the beginning when I would think - get out now, get away, it's not too late yet. But I didn't. Why? I've been trying to figure that out. At first, I was afraid to embarrass my boss and make things awkward (wrong focus, I know). And then I got sucked in. When my head emerged from the clouds, it kind of felt like it was too late. I've already screwed up royally.

 

I know that none of the above is an excuse. Just writing down my thoughts at the time.

 

The way I look at this, there are three possible outcomes:

 

1) I confess

2) I get discovered

3) No one ever finds out

 

I realize number 3 is unlikely, but in my head, it seems worth it to try for this. I mean, now that I am clearer, I don't want to spread pain if I don't have to!

 

The problem with this is, I don't know if I will be able to live with myself.

 

Number 2 is the worst outcome. I know.

 

Number 1 is the absolute scariest.

 

What if I have screwed up all of out lives for 10 months of absolute idiocy???

 

Feelings peeking through the numbness. I am crying right now for the first time in a long time...

 

You need to stop doing this to yourself & just confess already if you really want to possibly stay in your marriage. It's going to eat at you in some way every single day of your life until you confess. Do you want to continue thinking about this every single day for the next few decades? True, he might want to get a divorce, but that's just going to have to be the risk you have to take. The longer you wait the worse it's going to be.

 

And in my opinion the affair is still going on due to you still being at your job & interacting with your boss everyday. It might not be in a sexual way, but you still talk & interact with him which is just as bad.

Edited October 21, 2014 by NJ123

[Mr. Lucky]

Why wait to tell hubby? Only to heal a bit, talk to therapist, and have a plan. Learn about divorce and child custody and child support and division of assets. If you think there is any risk he will be violent when you tell him, you would safe guard yourself and the kids first and foremost.

 

Remember, women are murdered more often by their husbands and boyfriends than by strangers.

 

Men have murdered their wives (and children) over these type confessions.

 

You see it everyday in the news and I know of whole families killed after these confessions.

 

If you think he would go that route, you NEVER tell and you just start working towards divorce. Just sayin'.

 

Otherwise if you think he won't react violent (many dead women though t this as well) then talk at length with therapist, get your head together and tell him the truth. Then its up to him to work it out or divorce.

It's exactly this "me first" mentality that justifies affairs from the WS mindset in the first place. What's in it for "me"? How does it affect "me"? What will the future bring for "me"?

 

You vow in marriage to treat your partner as an equal. You achieve that goal by putting their needs first and hopefully getting the same in return.

 

Here's what the OP said about her H:

I honestly cannot blame my affair, or even a little bit, on my H.

 

So how does he deserve this calculated, planned, life-destroying ambush you're advising her to set up :confused:???

 

Mr. Lucky

[2sunny]

Why did you need an ego stroke so much that you were willing to risk losing your family over it?

[MadJackBird]

Okay now that we established you want to reconcile your marriage you should take the following steps.

 

End the affair and go no contact with the affair partner. If that means you need to change or quit your job then you need to quit and change your job.

 

Tell your husband about the affair and let him know you have taken the above precautions to ensure it is and will no longer be a problem.

 

You can't force him to forgive or even want to reconcile the already broken marriage but you can start working on earning his trust again.

 

Therapy for yourself, Marriage counseling for both of you if you both want to repair the marriage is key.

 

I agree with almost everything the last few posters said except I think The Like Fairy is a bit over the top with the murder and violent ideas. You know what type of person and character your husband has. Most people will respect the truth over continued lies and deceit, and trying to brush it under the rug will eat you away like the previous poster said.

[SawtoothMars]

1) I confess

2) I get discovered

3) No one ever finds out

 

I realize number 3 is unlikely, but in my head, it seems worth it to try for this. I mean, now that I am clearer, I don't want to spread pain if I don't have to!

The problem with this is, I don't know if I will be able to live with myself.

Number 2 is the worst outcome. I know.

Number 1 is the absolute scariest.

What if I have screwed up all of out lives for 10 months of absolute idiocy???

Feelings peeking through the numbness. I am crying right now for the first time in a long time...

 

It's like your husband has cancer and you think it's going to cause him pain to let him know. The pain is already there.... your real choice is to begin treatment in stage 1 or foot drag until stage 5 where it hurts double and nothing can be done.

 

Some couples pull through this stronger. If you want this marriage and are willing to be honest... I would give you a very good chance.

 

I cannot stress to you enough that as a husband who went through this... option #1 is the only one that could have saved our marriage. She waited 2 years to be honest. She chose her pride and fear of consequences over me for 2 years. That isn't love.

[OverIt75]

Why did you need an ego stroke so much that you were willing to risk losing your family over it?

 

I don't know. I don't.

 

I looked up to him. We've known each other for 14 years. He was my mentor. I valued his opinion. I was flattered to an extent. But also scared to put my foot down. He can be intimidating, aggressive.

 

I have no excuse.

[SawtoothMars]

I don't know. I don't.

I looked up to him. We've known each other for 14 years. He was my mentor. I valued his opinion. I was flattered to an extent. But also scared to put my foot down. He can be intimidating, aggressive.

I have no excuse.

 

Hey, for whatever it's worth... I think you are a good person. Sometimes we all do things that we regret.

[OverIt75]

Okay now that we established you want to reconcile your marriage you should take the following steps.

 

End the affair and go no contact with the affair partner. If that means you need to change or quit your job then you need to quit and change your job.

 

Tell your husband about the affair and let him know you have taken the above precautions to ensure it is and will no longer be a problem.

 

You can't force him to forgive or even want to reconcile the already broken marriage but you can start working on earning his trust again.

 

Therapy for yourself, Marriage counseling for both of you if you both want to repair the marriage is key.

 

I agree with almost everything the last few posters said except I think The Like Fairy is a bit over the top with the murder and violent ideas. You know what type of person and character your husband has. Most people will respect the truth over continued lies and deceit, and trying to brush it under the rug will eat you away like the previous poster said.

 

I think you are totally and completely right.

 

My H has told me, when discussing an acquaintance's affair, that if it was happening to us, he would kill me and the AP.

 

He is not an aggressive person, but very emotional. I don't know what to think.

[OverIt75]

Hey, for whatever it's worth... I think you are a good person. Sometimes we all do things that we regret.

 

Thank you...thank you.

 

I don't know what to do with myself right now.

[NJ123]

Thank you...thank you.

 

I don't know what to do with myself right now.

 

Like I said, just confess. This is going to eat at you inside every single day. The longer you wait the worse it's going to get.

[SawtoothMars]

Thank you...thank you.

I don't know what to do with myself right now.

 

At the moment you have to deal with this alone. Just take some time. Realize that you are not the only one who has fallen into this trap. It feels like hell, but it isn't the end. You will fight back from this.

[Blackknight]

When people say not telling is purely selfish... They are wrong. Having an affair is purely selfish. Neither telling or not telling can vary depending on the situation.

 

The pros to not telling. This is based on the behaviour being over and the A never being discovered or confessed to ten years down the road (OMG people... Why?)

 

1. You have an affair, it ends, you pick up the broken pieces and work on yourself on your own time and at your own expense. You do not shatter your spouse's world for some abstract idea that we always need to know everything. No stds, no children, no suspicions, what value and comfort really is in giving that spouse the truth. People may think they want to know everything but some things are better left unsaid. If my mom tried to abort me when she was pregnant I don't think for the sake of "honesty" she needs to unload that little tidbit on me to somehow ease her conscience. My not knowing isn't hurting me. But knowing I wasn't wanted would. So a family stays together, the affair is "forgotten" in time by the wayward. Certainly not forefront and centre on the their mind. Thy do trips together and fun things with the kids. There is no resentment or unhealthy imbalance. Only this notion that somehow this spouse is being hurt because x many years ago for a month or a year their spouse cheated. The kids graduate in a whole home with both parents. The couple are there for each other through thick and thin. They grow old together and the BS never finds out. All that happiness isn't a lie. It is real, it really happened and was really felt. But our sense of entitlement for honesty above all else can be just another crappy and selfish decision.

 

With a story that ends like that. And yes there are affairs that are never discovered, how can anyone value this earth shattering disclosure over swallowing the guilt pill on your own?

 

But as I said earlier. If someone knows the chances of discovery are high or their bS is questioning them. Be fully honest and confess. Because if you're gonna confess or be caught sooner is better than later.

[The Like Fairy]

I think you are totally and completely right.

 

My H has told me, when discussing an acquaintance's affair, that if it was happening to us, he would kill me and the AP.

 

He is not an aggressive person, but very emotional. I don't know what to think.

 

Oh God. Take him at his word on that, please.

[The Like Fairy]

I agree with almost everything the last few posters said except I think The Like Fairy is a bit over the top with the murder and violent ideas. You know what type of person and character your husband has. Most people will respect the truth over continued lies and deceit, and trying to brush it under the rug will eat you away like the previous poster said.

 

Nope not over the top. You just have no idea, haven't been around the block enough in life or don't watch the news.

 

Violence from husbands against wives is very common. Murder in these situations is a daily occurrence. She may or may not accurately predict his reaction.

 

Things will be more clear to her a few weeks from now, but nothing rash should be done on her part today in her current state of mind. She is in the beginning baby steps of grief, healing and self discovery. She needs weekly visits with her therapist right now if not more often for support and professional feedback.

[NJ123]

But this is going to affect her every single day of her life until she confesses. Unless she can live with thinking about what she did in secret everyday of her life, she's going to have to tell her H. Every time she looks at her H, she's going to be thinking about what she's done. Who wants to go through life & a marriage like that? I absolutely would not. It's not fair that the H doesn't get to choose what to do for the OPs actions. He has the right to stay or move on & get a divorce.

Edited October 22, 2014 by a LoveShack.org Moderator

[The Like Fairy]

But this is going to affect her every single day of her life until she confesses. Unless she can live with thinking about what she did in secret everyday of her life, she's going to have to tell her H. Every time she looks at her H, she's going to be thinking about what she's done. Who wants to go through life & a marriage like that? I absolutely would not. It's not fair that the H doesn't get to choose what to do for the OPs actions. He has the right to stay or move on & get a divorce.

 

When it comes to child safety, child custody and personal safety, there is no need to rush anything and every reason to have all your ducks in a row, money set aside, a place to go, and people to help you.

 

You've never been through a seriously hellacious divorce with kids involved have you NJ123?

 

Have you been through one with no job and small children? And were you a woman at the time?

 

When men find out their wife has been *****ing another man, they tend to go apesh$t.

[NJ123]

When it comes to child safety, child custody and personal safety, there is no need to rush anything and every reason to have all your ducks in a row, money set aside, a place to go, and people to help you.

 

You've never been through a seriously hellacious divorce with kids involved have you NJ123?

 

Have you been through one with no job and small children? And were you a woman at the time?

 

When men find out their wife has been *****ing another man, they tend to go apesh$t.

 

Huh? Why the hell is domestic abuse getting involved with this topic now? From that post your making it seem like men who get cheated on are the monsters, and the women whom did wrong to the innocent husband are seen as the victims. Yes, I get these things do tend to happen at times in terms of the husband going crazy, but that's likely very rare. Like I said twice before I get the OP wants to keep her family intact, but it's not fair to the H at all to not admit to her wrongdoings. And she's still seeing this other guy at work every single day at work, that's just horrible. Like I said, from your words I don't want to see OP "crash & burn", I'd just like to see her do the right thing & confess.

Edited October 22, 2014 by NJ123