Antidepressants and affairs...

[OverIt75]

Please correct me if I am reading this wrong, but you seem to be looking for a reason how this whole mess started. Is it possible that there is a medical reason for all this? The things that I have done are not typical of me. I do not want to tell my wife, because I don't want to hurt her. I am afraid that she may divorce me, so if I just keep it a secret, maybe she will never find out and we can continue our happy life.

 

Set the affair aside for a minute and tell us about the relationship between you and your wife. Were you unhappy, was sex lacking or unfulfilled? Was there intimacy outside of sex? How would your wife describe your relationship today?

 

I honestly cannot blame my affair, or even a little bit, on my H. I know that I am responsible for my own decisions. H and I had a good relationship, though we have struggled in the sex department. There are some personality conflicts, as in any relationship. He is kind of passive and I am not. There have been many times over the years where I just wished for some action or decisiveness. My xAP is very straightforward, and has a commanding, never-give-up type of personality. There was certainly some attraction for me in that. Add to that he is my boss. It just makes for a difficult situation.

[OverIt75]

If you were dealing with an apathetic episode that was so severe that it would draw you to an affair and not care you were doing it, then your feelings of apathy would infect other aspects of the scenario and your life. Having an affair? Don't care. Tell my husband I'm having an affair? Don't care. Having him find out? Don't care. Ruining my family? Whatever. Don't care.

 

A person with disassociation issues arising from their meds would never, ever say "I wish I could go back in time. It scares me to death to think of this ending in a divorce." They wouldn't care.

 

Personally, I think it's that you had an affair and got away with it and as a result you have no fear in being caught. Maybe you're testing boundaries, maybe you're self-sabotaging your marriage for some reason, but regardless, it's something you need to run by a therapist. I think that some of it may be psychosomatic too... You expect a response from the meds, you read online somewhere that it happened to somebody or could have happened to somebody, and you assume that's the scoop for you too, despite the fact that the reality of the situation is far more complex than WebMD describes.

 

And, if you're truly concerned about your meds, get them checked by the doctor. Don't just wean yourself off... That causes more harm than help.

 

Thanks for your reply. The truth is, I HAVE felt a lack of concern or fear of the consequences. I've often thought it would just be easier if H found out. It is like I can logically appreciate that this would be disastrous, it's just that my brain or heart does not totally comprehend and FEEL what I know I should. Like my sense of conviction is just gone.

 

I don't know. It could well be because I have not been caught, thus have not faced consequences nor the full realization of the devastation it would cause. It's like none of it feels real. I have been in IC since April.

[OverIt75]

I too took antidepressants because of ongoing debilitating panic attacks, but it was many years ago and it was the old style antidepressants so I can't really speak about the side effects of today's antidepressants.

 

 

However the antidepressant I was on totally numbed me out and I did become apathetic. I gained weight, I slept a lot, I felt very little emotion about anything or anyone. Had I done something horrible at that time I probably wouldn't have felt much guilt because I just didn't feel much of anything.

 

 

That being said the last thing I would have done was have an affair because the antidepressant completely eliminated my sex drive and Redheaded Mistress makes a good point in that if someone is truly suffering from apathy, then they would feel apathy in every situation, which I did. I had no interest in the opposite sex at all. An affair would have required far more energy and interest than I could have mustered up.

 

This makes sense to me. But my OBGYN added Wellbutrin to my med, to counteract the sexual side effects. This was before anything had transpired as far as my A.

 

I absolutely KNOW a med did not make me have an affair. I just wonder if one of them dulled my conscience and the other amped my sex drive. Not a good combo.

[2sunny]

Couldn't be - otherwise you would have been taking out a high sex drive on your husband too.

 

It's amazing how a new love interest makes an average person sexually driven higher in the sex area.

[DKT3]

I honestly cannot blame my affair, or even a little bit, on my H. I know that I am responsible for my own decisions. H and I had a good relationship, though we have struggled in the sex department. There are some personality conflicts, as in any relationship. He is kind of passive and I am not. There have been many times over the years where I just wished for some action or decisiveness. My xAP is very straightforward, and has a commanding, never-give-up type of personality. There was certainly some attraction for me in that. Add to that he is my boss. It just makes for a difficult situation.

 

Not really a difficult situation if you hadn't made it so.

 

This dynamic is not uncommon. Stats show that 28% of children born in marriage are not fathered by the husband. Many woman want to marry and build a life with beta males but are sexually attracted to alpha males. Your husband is beta and part of the reason you don't feel the emotions, you feel you are in control of the marriage.

 

I have told you before, you will be pulled back in to the A when he wants you back. I think in deep down you know this. The A isn't over in your heart and you haven't been found out couple that with your being in control of the marriage, you lack empathy for your husband.

 

You wanta feel it, confess. You want action out of your husband that will do it.

 

As another said higher sex drive would mean more for hubby as well. Its not the drugs its your attraction for your boss. As soon as he turned his attention toward you, you were and still are all in.

[ChasingCars]

 

 

 

A person with disassociation issues arising from their meds would never, ever say "I wish I could go back in time. It scares me to death to think of this ending in a divorce." They wouldn't care.

 

 

I think you mean "Dissociation issues."

 

I have DDNOS which runs along a spectrum as a whole and also individually.

We do care about what we do, it's just at certain times in the state we are separated from connecting with our environment on varying degrees.

It sucks but we do care.

 

Best wishes to everyone.

[velvette]

This makes sense to me. But my OBGYN added Wellbutrin to my med, to counteract the sexual side effects. This was before anything had transpired as far as my A.

 

I absolutely KNOW a med did not make me have an affair. I just wonder if one of them dulled my conscience and the other amped my sex drive. Not a good combo.

 

Wellbutrin is often given to counteract the negative dampening of libido that other antidepressants cause.

 

Usually, it just counteracts that effect and you are back at normal sex drive. I have read that about 1% experience an increased sex drive.

 

However, it can often cause extremely intense orgasms and/or multiple orgasms. You wont find this discussed in the pamphlet you get with your prescription because its not considered problematic.

 

Still, I cant see that causing an affair. Something like Prozac which can trigger manic episodes in some people might, but then you would have all kinds of other signs of manic behavior.

[OverIt75]

I know none of the meds 'caused' me to have an A. Honestly, just desperately trying to understand why the hell I did what I did (outside of the 'you're a bad person' stuff).

[NJ123]

I know none of the meds 'caused' me to have an A. Honestly, just desperately trying to understand why the hell I did what I did (outside of the 'you're a bad person' stuff).

 

Not sure if anyone else suggested this, but you should also possibly think about finding another job so this affair doesn't possibly continue, since the person you had it with is your boss whom you have to see everyday. That's an extremely uncomfortable position to be in.

Edited October 19, 2014 by NJ123

[velvette]

I know none of the meds 'caused' me to have an A. Honestly, just desperately trying to understand why the hell I did what I did (outside of the 'you're a bad person' stuff).

 

Are you involved in therapy or just getting drugs from someone?

 

Panic attacks imo don't just come out of the blue. I suspect your answer is somehow tied up with why you experienced panic attacks, as well as possibly conflict avoidance within your M and/or some need of yours for excessive validation from others.

 

Therapy where you actually talk to someone might help you unravel this.

[Redheaded Mistress]

Thanks for your reply. The truth is, I HAVE felt a lack of concern or fear of the consequences. I've often thought it would just be easier if H found out. It is like I can logically appreciate that this would be disastrous, it's just that my brain or heart does not totally comprehend and FEEL what I know I should. Like my sense of conviction is just gone.

 

But if that were the case, you wouldn't have said you were terrified of him finding out and scared to death of losing him, as you did a few posts ago.

 

I'm not trying to be offensive, but it just feels like you see the symptoms and say "yeah, yeah, I am feeling that!" as opposed to genuinely feeling independently the symptoms on your own. It's not good or bad, I know I do the same thing (like last week when I was sure my mother had given me Ebola...). When you say you're terrified and don't want to lose him, but then follow up after the symptoms are described with "but that is how I'm feeling," what I see is somebody trying to understand the choices they made and if something pushed them to do it, not a legitimate side effect of the drugs. Being drawn to an affair kind of conflicts with the thought of apathy driving you to not feel guilt.

 

I tend to think what's at play here is a bit more complicated than meds. The good news is, you can address it with the doctor, but knowing that the issue may not be the meds, it means you can try to get to the root of the problem.

 

I don't know. It could well be because I have not been caught, thus have not faced consequences nor the full realization of the devastation it would cause. It's like none of it feels real. I have been in IC since April.

 

There are reasons for that beyond the medications. The surrealness of it from the normal routine, the "high" of doing it, the complete disconnect of the action from your normal life. Those are all pretty common for people in affairs on their own.

[2sunny]

I know none of the meds 'caused' me to have an A. Honestly, just desperately trying to understand why the hell I did what I did (outside of the 'you're a bad person' stuff).

 

You know what? You don't even NEED to know "why".

 

All you need to know is HOW you are never going to do it again.

 

Do you have a solid plan of action for yourself?

 

Why - keeps you in the past (affair)

 

How - plans for your future

[MuddyFootprints]

I have experience with antidepressant induced mania. There was definitely an element of apathy involved.

 

I don't know if that is what you've experienced, but it may be something to consider.

[2sunny]

You know when I felt nothing? When I found out he betrayed me.

 

That's when I really went into hyper mode to eliminate him from my life completely.

 

And believe me - no one has ever seen 23 years if history dissipate into thin air faster.

 

He's still reeling almost 10 years later.

 

You want to "feel something"? Get honest with him about who you really are and what you've really been doing.

[MuddyFootprints]

That and get a new doctor.

 

Eta: not necessarily in that order.

Edited October 20, 2014 by MuddyFootprints

[waterwoman]

I think your affair sounds more like the reaction to the depression/anxiety than the ADs themselves.

 

My first tastes of depression always started with a manic period when I had more energy and confidence than ever in my life - I actually beleive that I was going through one of these phases when I had the EA at work 20 years ago. At that point I didn't know what if anything was wrong with me. These periods started to spiral from confidence and energy into panic and anxiety, stress tummy, sleeplessness, racing heart, jumping like a rabbit at loud noises, out of proportion worries. In time the anxiety would fade and I'd fall into a low mood. It wasn't until I had PND after my DD was born that I actuially went to the doctor and got some ADs.

 

Both depression and ADs make me feel disassociated from the world - like I am stuck in a big glass bowl and everything is happening seperately from me. But at least with the ADs I don't feel suicidal and irritable.

 

I would suggest, as others have, that your depression isn't being properly treated and you need more help. Good luck x

[anika99]

Are you involved in therapy or just getting drugs from someone?

 

Panic attacks imo don't just come out of the blue. I suspect your answer is somehow tied up with why you experienced panic attacks, as well as possibly conflict avoidance within your M and/or some need of yours for excessive validation from others.

 

Therapy where you actually talk to someone might help you unravel this.

 

Ugh! this is a big problem where I live. Family doctors who have no training in the mental health field prescribing drugs for their patient's mental health. I have no doubt that I could go see a GP right now and walk out with a prescription for something pertaining to my mental state. My mother who was already addicted to narcotic pain killers and sleeping pills complained to her family doctor of mood swings and so he declared bipolar and gave her medication for that. He was the same doctor who was prescribing her the pain meds and the sleeping bills so he was well aware of the drugs she was already on. My mother was not bipolar and this doctor had no business prescribing those drugs on top of the drugs she was already taking. She ended up a drugged up zombie, so I agree that anyone who is experiencing symptoms of a mental illness needs to be treated by a mental health professional, not a GP.

[SawtoothMars]

People end affairs and are never found out. They can go on to better marriages then they had before. It doesn't have to take a D-day to be a catalyst for change. Change can be made without the spouse knowing about the affair.

Yeah its more difficult, and I was unable to do it.

Honestly Im happy NOW that it didn't. I would have hated to carry that for the rest of my life. I know its something I did to myself, and it doesn't compare to what my BS went through but it sucked and can really eat away at your mind body and soul.

 

Yeah... my xWife tried the lie and deny strategy. Had she gone your route we might still be married. I really think you have to be married to a brick for them to not know something is up. At that point the WS is literally using the BS's trust against them. There is a reason Dante put betrayers in the lowest level of hell. They are the most evil of people.

 

Whoa. This is disturbing because I see myself in it. I specifically started the med due to panic attacks during presentations at work. It started in the summer of 2010 and kind of snowballed.

I have never had an alcohol problem, but definitely drank a lot more in the last year than normal. Of course, I've also read that over-drinking often goes with affairs.

Wonder if it's not a coincidence that my xAP was my boss. Same job where the panic attacks started. Although NOTHING was going on then.

Regardless...I cheated. I made the choice. I wish I could go back in time. It scares me to death to think of this ending in a divorce:(

 

My xWife did not cheat with a boss... it was a much older co-worker.

 

I think her cheating had much less to do with medications and much more to do with the state of our marriage at the time. I would bet money that your situation is similar to that. There are worse things than a divorce.

 

I may have been able to forgive the cheating, but I just couldn't get past the coverup. How can you profess to love someone yet lie and trick them into staying with you? Is that love? (rhetorical questions)

[MadJackBird]

I've skimmed this thread and read all your replies OP.

 

I think what you are feeling is not unusual, the flat affect.

 

My former wife suffered from addictions, anxiety and depression. She explained feeling this numb feeling when she was on her anti-depressants as well. She said someone could tell her they won the lottery or that the kids were in a horrible car accident and she would reply with the same, that's nice unemotional response. So yeah your anti-depressants could very well be effecting your mood and your emotions to an extreme.

 

The fact that you are owning to your actions in your reply is huge. Be open and honest with your husband and continue to seek the help you need, be it through therapy, psych doctor or otherwise.

 

You owe it to your husband to be honest with what you did, I'm not sure if I read you have told him the truth. Do you want to stay married to him?

 

Also you may be getting a lot of back-lash in this room because many of us that read this room are like myself former BS and quite frankly we are sick of excuses that WS make. Not that you are making this excuse, it just sounds all too familiar.

 

The Other Man/Other Woman may provide some different perspective.

[OverIt75]

Waterwoman, Footprints & Mistress - thank you for the replies. I see a psych doc now, who prescribes the Zoloft. I am also in therapy twice a month. When I go back to the P doc I will ask about this numb feeling.

[OverIt75]

t was a much older co-worker.

 

I think her cheating had much less to do with medications and much more to do with the state of our marriage at the time. I would bet money that your situation is similar to that. There are worse things than a divorce.

 

I may have been able to forgive the cheating, but I just couldn't get past the coverup. How can you profess to love someone yet lie and trick them into staying with you? Is that love? (rhetorical questions)

 

I have certainly thought a lot about confessing. Sometimes I wonder if BSs really know if they would be able to get over the betrayal, but not the cover up. It all requires deceit. And if the BS is thinking that, they've obviously already been discovered both the A and the cover up. I expect it's extraordinary painful and difficult to know what would make it less or more so.

 

But - who am I to say?? Just conjecture.

[OverIt75]

I've skimmed this thread and read all your replies OP.

 

I think what you are feeling is not unusual, the flat affect.

 

My former wife suffered from addictions, anxiety and depression. She explained feeling this numb feeling when she was on her anti-depressants as well. She said someone could tell her they won the lottery or that the kids were in a horrible car accident and she would reply with the same, that's nice unemotional response. So yeah your anti-depressants could very well be effecting your mood and your emotions to an extreme.

 

The fact that you are owning to your actions in your reply is huge. Be open and honest with your husband and continue to seek the help you need, be it through therapy, psych doctor or otherwise.

 

You owe it to your husband to be honest with what you did, I'm not sure if I read you have told him the truth. Do you want to stay married to him?

 

Also you may be getting a lot of back-lash in this room because many of us that read this room are like myself former BS and quite frankly we are sick of excuses that WS make. Not that you are making this excuse, it just sounds all too familiar.

 

The Other Man/Other Woman may provide some different perspective.

 

Thank you for a thoughtful and kind response.

 

I have not told my H yet. It is of course very scary. I am at this point in my mind of - Must Minimize Damage. One part of me thinks that includes protecting my H and children from what I've done, if at all possible. The other part screams - confess, be transparent, and let the chips fall.

 

It's just such a huge decision. Wish I had had more foresight in the beginning. But isn't that typically part of the problem? I would bet most WS are lacking in that department.

 

I never know where to post! My first post got moved from OM/OW to this board.

[The Like Fairy]

Thank you for a thoughtful and kind response.

 

I have not told my H yet. It is of course very scary. I am at this point in my mind of - Must Minimize Damage. One part of me thinks that includes protecting my H and children from what I've done, if at all possible. The other part screams - confess, be transparent, and let the chips fall.

 

It's just such a huge decision. Wish I had had more foresight in the beginning. But isn't that typically part of the problem? I would bet most WS are lacking in that department.

 

I never know where to post! My first post got moved from OM/OW to this board.

 

Don't you dare tell your husband until you've talked to several attorneys (3 minimum, 4 - 6 even better) about divorce and whether your state is a no fault state, community property state, and what not!!!

 

Start reading articles (bunches and bunches) about divorce in your state.

 

Get educated beforehand, in case he seeks divorce.

 

Please don't listen to these people trying to egg you on into telling your husband!!!!

 

For Gods sakes they are jaded and bitter and want to see you crash and burn!!!

 

Use your intuition and go at your own pace with all this. I'm glad you are in counseling.

 

Gotta run, more later Hang in there!

[NJ123]

Don't you dare tell your husband until you've talked to several attorneys (3 minimum, 4 - 6 even better) about divorce and whether your state is a no fault state, community property state, and what not!!!

 

Start reading articles (bunches and bunches) about divorce in your state.

 

Get educated beforehand, in case he seeks divorce.

 

Please don't listen to these people trying to egg you on into telling your husband!!!!

 

For Gods sakes they are jaded and bitter and want to see you crash and burn!!!

 

Use your intuition and go at your own pace with all this. I'm glad you are in counseling.

 

Gotta run, more later Hang in there!

 

Huh? I don't want to see her crash & burn. I just told her that the right thing to do would be to tell her husband even though there would be huge consequences. Since no matter how you put it, if the husband doesn't know what she did than their in a sham marriage, period. I get it would possibly break the family up, but the husband really does deserve to know.

 

And I'll say it again, she really needs to severely consider looking for another job instead of staying at the place where she's going to see her boss everyday whom she had an affair with. Since if she does confess & the husband stays, there's absolutely no way in hell her husband is going to allow her to stay working there.

Edited October 20, 2014 by NJ123

[The Like Fairy]

Huh? I don't want to see her crash & burn. I just told her that the right thing to do would be to tell her husband even though there would be huge consequences. Since no matter how you put it, if the husband doesn't know what she did than their in a sham marriage, period. I get it would possibly break the family up, but the husband really does deserve to know.

 

And I'll say it again, she really needs to severely consider looking for another job instead of staying at the place where she's going to see her boss everyday whom she had an affair with. Since if she does confess & the husband stays, there's absolutely no way in hell her husband is going to allow her to stay working there.

 

Yes, he deserves to know.

 

But specifically when she decides to tell him, is entirely her decision and I don't dictate a time frame for that. She must use her own judgment regarding that.

 

And I am not implying specifically that you are one of the bitter jaded posters on this thread that would looooooooove to see a cheater crash and burn. But there ARE those type posters on this site.