Antidepressants and affairs...

[lovinDKT3]

Not at all. But it does feel like a bit of an attack.

 

I think I stated, in nearly all of my posts, that I am NOT blame-shifting. I posted this to get feedback to see if anyone else had experienced similar feelings, and wondered if it contributed to their ability to have an affair. I certainly do not claim 'the drug made me do it.'

 

This whole post started out of curiosity on my part. That's all.

 

 

Overit, I understand what's going on with you. I see it as a good process. With that said you are blame shifting no matter how much you won't admit it.

 

You have reached the point of WTF have I done. Its hard to take that this is 100% on you. No drug or other person(s) played a role in your decision to engage with another man.

 

You will work through all the excuses and only thing left standing will be YOU'VE DONE THIS. Then accept it and understand you can't change what has already happened.

 

All you have now is what you do next. I'm not one to pressure anyone to confess. I can say standing on the other side of the street, I wish I had. I almost did a number of times then, at the risk of sounding overly dramatic, I saw my life flash before my eyes and deep down I always knew he would divorce me.

 

Your making progress, keep moving forward. This means ending things that can put at risk your marriage.

 

Again the problem is you, not any drug. Fix it.

 

Good luck

[OverIt75]

Overit, I understand what's going on with you. I see it as a good process. With that said you are blame shifting no matter how much you won't admit it.

 

You have reached the point of WTF have I done. Its hard to take that this is 100% on you. No drug or other person(s) played a role in your decision to engage with another man.

 

You will work through all the excuses and only thing left standing will be YOU'VE DONE THIS. Then accept it and understand you can't change what has already happened.

 

All you have now is what you do next. I'm not one to pressure anyone to confess. I can say standing on the other side of the street, I wish I had. I almost did a number of times then, at the risk of sounding overly dramatic, I saw my life flash before my eyes and deep down I always knew he would divorce me.

 

Your making progress, keep moving forward. This means ending things that can put at risk your marriage.

 

Again the problem is you, not any drug. Fix it.

 

Good luck

 

Thank you.

 

You're right. I honestly am dumbfounded by what I've done. I had no idea what I was capable of. Only a year ago, I never would have believed you if you told me this is where I would be.

 

I just don't understand why I feel NUMB??? The feeling of conviction and conscience comes to me, but in fleeting flashes. Meantime, I feel like I'm watching this, horrified.

 

Somebody earlier said I was in denial. Probably very true.

[SawtoothMars]

Not at all. But it does feel like a bit of an attack.

 

I think I stated, in nearly all of my posts, that I am NOT blame-shifting. I posted this to get feedback to see if anyone else had experienced similar feelings, and wondered if it contributed to their ability to have an affair. I certainly do not claim 'the drug made me do it.'

 

This whole post started out of curiosity on my part. That's all.

 

My xwife started taking anti-depressants about 6-7 months before her affair. It was specifically to prevent her from having panic attacks before presentations at work. It's really hard to say if that played any role in the affair. I can say that she started drinking about 1.5L of Vodka every 4-5 days.

 

It may also be worth noting that her affair was potentially just emotional until she got a boob job... which I was very against. It wasn't more than a few weeks after that when her co-workers ratted her out.

 

I can honestly say that if she had come to me and admitted the situation, we may have salvaged our marriage. However, she lied, and lied, and lied... thinking I would never find out. Well... I did find out and it caused an extremely bitter divorce. The point of this is that having an affair doesn't make you a bad person. Hiding it and not telling your spouse.... THAT makes you a bad person.

[Blackknight]

Thank you.

 

You're right. I honestly am dumbfounded by what I've done. I had no idea what I was capable of. Only a year ago, I never would have believed you if you told me this is where I would be.

 

I just don't understand why I feel NUMB??? The feeling of conviction and conscience comes to me, but in fleeting flashes. Meantime, I feel like I'm watching this, horrified.

 

Somebody earlier said I was in denial. Probably very true.

 

That is a natural coping mechanism to protect yourself. Confessing may or may not make it real. But I would say if you are willing to work on your issues and be a good wife here on out then don't blindly leap on the "confess" bandwagon. But if you feel you could be caught years from now or your H questions you don't lie. Deny,deny,deny just messes with your spouse's head and not a really good motto to live by.

[lovinDKT3]

Thank you.

 

You're right. I honestly am dumbfounded by what I've done. I had no idea what I was capable of. Only a year ago, I never would have believed you if you told me this is where I would be.

 

I just don't understand why I feel NUMB??? The feeling of conviction and conscience comes to me, but in fleeting flashes. Meantime, I feel like I'm watching this, horrified.

 

Somebody earlier said I was in denial. Probably very true.

 

It feels like a daze, almost like your watching a movie, that your really invested in. You know you should feel it but just can't seem to.

 

The reason is you haven't had to face what you've done. Once your husband become aware that will all change.

 

Confessing is scary, but not doing so can cause just as much damage. I know for me it created a distance with my husband because I always feared he would pick up a tell. Like he would some how know if I said too much, which I did a couple time and was how he put it together.

 

Right now the most important thing is cutting the risk, this will allow you time to figure it out and get a better grip on how to move forward

[lovinDKT3]

Thank you.

 

You're right. I honestly am dumbfounded by what I've done. I had no idea what I was capable of. Only a year ago, I never would have believed you if you told me this is where I would be.

 

I just don't understand why I feel NUMB??? The feeling of conviction and conscience comes to me, but in fleeting flashes. Meantime, I feel like I'm watching this, horrified.

 

Somebody earlier said I was in denial. Probably very true.

 

That is a natural coping mechanism to protect yourself. Confessing may or may not make it real. But I would say if you are willing to work on your issues and be a good wife here on out then don't blindly leap on the "confess" bandwagon. But if you feel you could be caught years from now or your H questions you don't lie. Deny,deny,deny just messes with your spouse's head and not a really good motto to live by.

 

We as WW's have to work through trying to protect ourselves and expose ourselves to these men we married, letting that wall down. This can be done with or without confessing. Of course its harder to navigate without.

 

Yeah deny doesn't work, and in the end that is what ended my marriage. I cheated, yet I didn't trust him enough to expose myself. He has said he wishes I would have given him the chance.

[SawtoothMars]

We as WW's have to work through trying to protect ourselves and expose ourselves to these men we married, letting that wall down. This can be done with or without confessing. Of course its harder to navigate without.

Yeah deny doesn't work, and in the end that is what ended my marriage. I cheated, yet I didn't trust him enough to expose myself. He has said he wishes I would have given him the chance.

 

How can you do that without confessing?

[NJ123]

Not at all. But it does feel like a bit of an attack.

 

I think I stated, in nearly all of my posts, that I am NOT blame-shifting. I posted this to get feedback to see if anyone else had experienced similar feelings, and wondered if it contributed to their ability to have an affair. I certainly do not claim 'the drug made me do it.'

 

This whole post started out of curiosity on my part. That's all.

 

From reading the posts after this one, at least you admit your in denial. And it wasn't meant as an attack, I was just annoyed reading your posts since you were trying to blame everything other than yourself for what you did. And it's good to hear that your possibly willing to tell your husband. I get you want to protect your kids & not risk breaking up your family, but it still isn't fair to your husband to keep this from him at the same time.

[lovinDKT3]

How can you do that without confessing?

 

People end affairs and are never found out. They can go on to better marriages then they had before. It doesn't have to take a D-day to be a catalyst for change. Change can be made without the spouse knowing about the affair.

 

Yeah its more difficult, and I was unable to do it.

 

Honestly Im happy NOW that it didn't. I would have hated to carry that for the rest of my life. I know its something I did to myself, and it doesn't compare to what my BS went through but it sucked and can really eat away at your mind body and soul.

[NJ123]

People end affairs and are never found out. They can go on to better marriages then they had before. It doesn't have to take a D-day to be a catalyst for change. Change can be made without the spouse knowing about the affair.

 

Yeah its more difficult, and I was unable to do it.

 

Honestly Im happy NOW that it didn't. I would have hated to carry that for the rest of my life. I know its something I did to myself, and it doesn't compare to what my BS went through but it sucked and can really eat away at your mind body and soul.

 

Why did you specifically want to hide it from them in the first place? Why couldn't you just admit to it? That's what I don't understand with people who have affairs, most of them seem to not want to admit it. So I guess I'm asking this to you since you were in this situation so I can better understand the reasoning behind it. What stops you from confessing even though it eats at you inside?

[Mr. Lucky]

That is a natural coping mechanism to protect yourself. Confessing may or may not make it real. But I would say if you are willing to work on your issues and be a good wife here on out then don't blindly leap on the "confess" bandwagon.

 

How do you become a "good wife" by lying to your husband about the biggest issue in your marriage? And by letting him live for years to come under false pretenses?

 

Is that how you'd want to be treated under similar circumstances ???

 

Mr. Lucky

[OverIt75]

My xwife started taking anti-depressants about 6-7 months before her affair. It was specifically to prevent her from having panic attacks before presentations at work. It's really hard to say if that played any role in the affair. I can say that she started drinking about 1.5L of Vodka every 4-5 days.

 

It may also be worth noting that her affair was potentially just emotional until she got a boob job... which I was very against. It wasn't more than a few weeks after that when her co-workers ratted her out.

 

I can honestly say that if she had come to me and admitted the situation, we may have salvaged our marriage. However, she lied, and lied, and lied... thinking I would never find out. Well... I did find out and it caused an extremely bitter divorce. The point of this is that having an affair doesn't make you a bad person. Hiding it and not telling your spouse.... THAT makes you a bad person.

 

Whoa. This is disturbing because I see myself in it. I specifically started the med due to panic attacks during presentations at work. It started in the summer of 2010 and kind of snowballed.

 

I have never had an alcohol problem, but definitely drank a lot more in the last year than normal. Of course, I've also read that over-drinking often goes with affairs.

 

Wonder if it's not a coincidence that my xAP was my boss. Same job where the panic attacks started. Although NOTHING was going on then.

 

Regardless...I cheated. I made the choice. I wish I could go back in time. It scares me to death to think of this ending in a divorce:(

[2sunny]

Drinking/alcohol is a depressant.

 

The top two symptoms of drinkers are anxiety and depression. I'm sure any dr putting a person on antidepressants would tell the patient not to drink alcohol.

[lovinDKT3]

Why did you specifically want to hide it from them in the first place? Why couldn't you just admit to it? That's what I don't understand with people who have affairs, most of them seem to not want to admit it. So I guess I'm asking this to you since you were in this situation so I can better understand the reasoning behind it. What stops you from confessing even though it eats at you inside?

 

I could fill it up with this one but it boils down to fear, selfishness, shame and maintaining a level of control.

 

By confessing I no long have control of the outcome. I see this in so many of the WW's posting here.

 

There was a huge element of shame, not only for what I had done but shame and fear of what he would think about me. I've loved this man since I was 16 years old and I have always cared deeply about what he thought of me. Confessing this would mean he would think I was a whore, that I didn't love him.

[NJ123]

I could fill it up with this one but it boils down to fear, selfishness, shame and maintaining a level of control.

 

By confessing I no long have control of the outcome. I see this in so many of the WW's posting here.

 

There was a huge element of shame, not only for what I had done but shame and fear of what he would think about me. I've loved this man since I was 16 years old and I have always cared deeply about what he thought of me. Confessing this would mean he would think I was a whore, that I didn't love him.

 

So your husband found out from an outside party that you cheated which caused your divorce? Not sure if you were specifically clear about that from your other posts or maybe I missed something you said.

 

Also, what causes you to cheat in the first place? If you loved your husband, why would it resort to cheating on them only to just regret it afterwards. I'm just trying to understand these things so I don't have to ask myself anymore "why does this always happen" when I see all these cheating topics not just on here, but for why it happens in general.

Edited October 19, 2014 by NJ123

[lovinDKT3]

So your husband found out from an outside party that you cheated which caused your divorce? Not sure if you were specifically clear about that from your other posts or maybe I missed something you said.

 

Also, what causes you to cheat in the first place? If you loved your husband, why would it resort to cheating on them only to just regret it afterwards. I'm just trying to understand these things so I don't have to ask myself anymore "why does this always happen" when I see all these cheating topics not just on here, but for why it happens in general.

 

No he figured it out on his own then confronted me. I lied for months until he finally filed for divorce.

 

I cheated in large part because I felt I may want out, but it wasn't because of a lack of love. My husband was home about 5 days a month. I felt like a single mom and begged him for years to switch careers. There came a point that the anger took over. He missed his flight home when we had a special night planned, a night I had looked forward to for a long time. After he called, I decide to go ahead with a night out with girlfriends. Got alittle to vodka in me and had what I called a ONS (with the man who many months later became the OM).

 

One of the hardest parts of this whole thing was a few hours after I returned home he comes walking in having rented a car and drove about 10 hours to spend some time with me. In the moment I didn't see it for the amazing feat it was. Later it was one of the worst things I had to deal with. While he was driving 10 hours just to spend a little time with me, I was with another man. Still stings me.

[NJ123]

No he figured it out on his own then confronted me. I lied for months until he finally filed for divorce.

 

I cheated in large part because I felt I may want out, but it wasn't because of a lack of love. My husband was home about 5 days a month. I felt like a single mom and begged him for years to switch careers. There came a point that the anger took over. He missed his flight home when we had a special night planned, a night I had looked forward to for a long time. After he called, I decide to go ahead with a night out with girlfriends. Got alittle to vodka in me and had what I called a ONS (with the man who many months later became the OM).

 

One of the hardest parts of this whole thing was a few hours after I returned home he comes walking in having rented a car and drove about 10 hours to spend some time with me. In the moment I didn't see it for the amazing feat it was. Later it was one of the worst things I had to deal with. While he was driving 10 hours just to spend a little time with me, I was with another man. Still stings me.

 

Ouch. The guilt must have been severely unbearable. Hypothetically if I ever put myself in that position, I'd likely have to confess. I could only imagine it would eat at me way too much to not say anything. And after this specific night happened, you still continued to see this other guy anyways or did it end after that night?

Edited October 19, 2014 by NJ123

[merrmeade]

That feel's called 'denial'. Because no cheater wants the consequences of it. Interestingly, when a serial cheater tells a potential partner beforehand that they're unfaithful and said partner - those that do stay - logically wants the same right for themselves, the cheater becomes terribly jealous. It's like watching a dog chasing its tail.

Just wondering, if I may ask, if this is based on academic reading or forums or both. For what it's worth, rings true to my experience...

[Robert]

A note from Moderation: Please stay on topic and address the OP and their issues. I've left the "mini" threadjack as it is good information and the banter was meaningful to the OP's situation. Now let's get this back on topic please. Thank you.

[Mycatsnuggles]

Overit,

 

You say apathy, I wonder why I feel so little guilt. There are moments where the twinge is intense, I feel guilt for hurting my h and his w, but not for what I've done. I felt shame when elements of the affair came to light, but still not the crushing guilt I should feel. I feel numb from the whole experience and yet don't regret the experience. Maybe it's to fresh. Maybe apathy or my lack of guilt are coping mechanisms. The pain would be so intense so shove it away and just don't feel anything.

 

Still a work in progress trying to work through how could I become that person. She doesn't feel like a part of me, more like an other self I allowed out. Do I push her in or shove her away?

 

I started my antidepressants just befor the A. I think it's the type of person we are or have become which allows us to seek out a thrill or high. The meds help cope with the symptoms not cause irresponsible actions. But the affair became part of my coping with depression, now without him I have anxiety. I prefer the numbness but somehow I think there are a host of emotions awaiting for me as I resolve my why. Apathy maybe meds, maybe a form of self protection. Idk

[Cristo]

Overit,

 

You say apathy, I wonder why I feel so little guilt. There are moments where the twinge is intense, I feel guilt for hurting my h and his w, but not for what I've done. I felt shame when elements of the affair came to light, but still not the crushing guilt I should feel. I feel numb from the whole experience and yet don't regret the experience. Maybe it's to fresh. Maybe apathy or my lack of guilt are coping mechanisms. The pain would be so intense so shove it away and just don't feel anything.

 

Still a work in progress trying to work through how could I become that person. She doesn't feel like a part of me, more like an other self I allowed out. Do I push her in or shove her away?

 

I started my antidepressants just befor the A. I think it's the type of person we are or have become which allows us to seek out a thrill or high. The meds help cope with the symptoms not cause irresponsible actions. But the affair became part of my coping with depression, now without him I have anxiety. I prefer the numbness but somehow I think there are a host of emotions awaiting for me as I resolve my why. Apathy maybe meds, maybe a form of self protection. Idk

 

You reap what you sow. It's the universe's justice when bad people suffer.

[No Limit]

Just wondering, if I may ask, if this is based on academic reading or forums or both. For what it's worth, rings true to my experience...

 

A little of both. There is this wonderful website about abusive partners that had a little section about "don't cheat on a cheater" (sadly, not in English or else I'd have linked it here in a few threads already!). The rest was pure observation; the final nail in that coffin was when I read about the poet/writer Ingeborg Bachmann's (she's always had "problematic" relationships, guess your first relationship as the lover of a much older man didn't really end well for her) relationship with writer Max Frisch (who openly admitted being unfaithful). Nevertheless, their relationship lasted 5 years.

[Oberfeldwebel]

Please correct me if I am reading this wrong, but you seem to be looking for a reason how this whole mess started. Is it possible that there is a medical reason for all this? The things that I have done are not typical of me. I do not want to tell my wife, because I don't want to hurt her. I am afraid that she may divorce me, so if I just keep it a secret, maybe she will never find out and we can continue our happy life.

 

Set the affair aside for a minute and tell us about the relationship between you and your wife. Were you unhappy, was sex lacking or unfulfilled? Was there intimacy outside of sex? How would your wife describe your relationship today?

[Redheaded Mistress]

I've been really open that I contracted an illness a few years ago and the result of that illness was developing Bi-Polar II disorder. As a result, I've had the "honor" of trying all sorts of medications to try and help manage it. Some of them flattened me, some of them encouraged manic episodes, some of them did nothing.

 

As somebody who switched off a medication because of how it created an extreme state of apathy, here's why I don't think your lack of emotion is related to an apathetic response brought out by your meds:

 

If you were dealing with an apathetic episode that was so severe that it would draw you to an affair and not care you were doing it, then your feelings of apathy would infect other aspects of the scenario and your life. Having an affair? Don't care. Tell my husband I'm having an affair? Don't care. Having him find out? Don't care. Ruining my family? Whatever. Don't care.

 

The fact that you say that you have an affair and it doesn't bother you, yet you don't want to tell your husband because you don't want to deal with the fallout/don't want to hurt him/don't want to lose your family... You wouldn't have that if you're dealing with a true disassociation or apathy to your life situations. A person who's dealing with an apethetic side-effect of their medication have it universally, where it's quite clear you're having them selectively.

 

A person with disassociation issues arising from their meds would never, ever say "I wish I could go back in time. It scares me to death to think of this ending in a divorce." They wouldn't care.

 

Secondly, if you're dealing with a sense of complete apathy, I find it hard to believe you'd be drawn to somebody enough or have the emotions that would want you to engage in some sort of affair. The problem with these conditions is that you don't care about anybody or anything or have any overwhelming, driving emotions that drive you to do things. So if you had an affair, and you were dealing with this level of emotional numbing, you wouldn't be doing it because a driving feeling compelled you to do it or an attraction made it irresistible. Nothing would have drawn you to somebody, which makes me wonder how it could just lead to an affair.

 

I suppose maybe it could be a manic episode, which would explain emotional detachment in the choice to have the random affair, but it would also totally void out the apathetic condition. Or it least, it would in my manic episodes... Because generally the problem of the fallout of a manic episode afterwards would be caring too much, not completely not caring. And if it's a repeated thing with the same person, I'd think it'd rule out the manic episode anyway.

 

Personally, I think it's that you had an affair and got away with it and as a result you have no fear in being caught. Maybe you're testing boundaries, maybe you're self-sabotaging your marriage for some reason, but regardless, it's something you need to run by a therapist. I think that some of it may be psychosomatic too... You expect a response from the meds, you read online somewhere that it happened to somebody or could have happened to somebody, and you assume that's the scoop for you too, despite the fact that the reality of the situation is far more complex than WebMD describes.

 

And, if you're truly concerned about your meds, get them checked by the doctor. Don't just wean yourself off... That causes more harm than help.

Edited October 19, 2014 by Redheaded Mistress

[anika99]

I too took antidepressants because of ongoing debilitating panic attacks, but it was many years ago and it was the old style antidepressants so I can't really speak about the side effects of today's antidepressants.

 

 

However the antidepressant I was on totally numbed me out and I did become apathetic. I gained weight, I slept a lot, I felt very little emotion about anything or anyone. Had I done something horrible at that time I probably wouldn't have felt much guilt because I just didn't feel much of anything.

 

 

That being said the last thing I would have done was have an affair because the antidepressant completely eliminated my sex drive and Redheaded Mistress makes a good point in that if someone is truly suffering from apathy, then they would feel apathy in every situation, which I did. I had no interest in the opposite sex at all. An affair would have required far more energy and interest than I could have mustered up.