Husband's Inappropriate Text Msgs

[Amaze 2000]

I’m so sorry, nikki5. I can only imagine the range of emotions you must be feeling. Is this something you can talk to your husband about and let him know how you feel?

Amaze

[beatcuff]

It's about hoping that with reflection, they would choose not to say things like that.

 

SAY or THINK. Keenly is spot on - nearly every statement he has made in this thread.

 

i love how women here are telling men HOW they should think. then better, MY man would never. actually men may NOT say it but they THINK it.

 

man rule - happy W happy life. so we do our best to build walls to prevent these thoughts from overflowing (exhibit A: weight). and when we are hanging with the buds the walls are let down. that does not mean we do not love W, no one is perfect or a perfect fit (nor is there a perfect job, car or house or...)

 

it appears some here are in denial this could be possible OR worse put on blinders and pretend it does not: then when they find proof are shocked.

 

BUT WE ALL DO IT. seriously, we act differently at a business dinner than we do with W or W friends or M friends or family.

 

so Keenly how long until OP bans H from these 'bad influence' friends. after all, lost in all this is OP overwhelming need to spy on H's night by looking at his phone.

[Ninjainpajamas]

I think there's a world of difference between describing something as inappropriate and putting a virtual lock on someone's mouth. The first is opinion, the second is controlling. It's kind of weird to tell her she shouldn't use a word when your whole point is not to tell people what to say.

 

Of course what a startling difference between...

 

"Don't talk to your friends about our marriage and your past sexual endeavors!"

 

and

 

"Talking to your friends about our marriage and past sexual encounters is upsetting and hurtful"

 

You're practically comparing spaceships and butterflies

 

Can we at least pretend that we're all not naive here and actually understand that it's essentially the same expression, with the same expectation and demand, one is just wrapped in an every so slightly package...is there really a damn choice in the matter? let's be realistic.

 

Can we just act accept the obvious for once? it is a demand, it is threat..she's just giving him a chance to "change on his own through good judgment"

 

Women have sexual thoughts, too. Sexual thoughts are not threatening to me.

 

Women have fond memories, too. Memories are not threatening to me.

 

Respect and gratitude come with the actions and words you use to represent your marriage and your regard for your partner. I speak of my partner in the highest terms, and expect the same thoughtfulness.

 

While there are men who would be also upset, or hurt from learning of this information about their SO...mostly only the jealous or insecure of men, or the man with strong reason or suspicion would actually have the desire and motivation to go out of their way and to think about going through your phone and scrolling through your texts, continuing to be "hurt" by indulging in all the juiciest bits then throwing it back in the face of their SO, unless that woman was deliberately trying to hide something from him.

 

Going through your personal belongings and knowing your own personal space as well as you do is more of a woman thing than a man thing.

 

If a woman sees a mans journal (if he even had a damn journal) on the kitchen table he'd be more likely to use it as a beer coaster while a woman would take it as a signs from the heavens to read it front to back.

 

And when it comes to women gloating about their relationships, since so many define themselves, their happiness and self-worth by them...which is why they tend to be so obsessive, observant and emotionally dependent on men, it is to be expected coming from a woman's mouth.

 

Women can sit there forever just comparing their lives and how "lucky" they are, by saying what Bobby Ray picked up off the hunting trail last week and mounted it on the wall just for her , women will romanticize and play up just about any mundane thing to constantly validate and confirm her acceptance, stability and reassurance within the security of that relationship even if it doesn't exist...women tend to be the the masters of fantasy and delusion.

 

Now men have a different agenda, we don't size each other up and gloat about how "wonderful" our wives are, unless we're in public, talking to people we don't know or giving an acceptance speech at an awards..."I'd like to thank my beautiful wife for all the blahblahblah"...we all know the drill as men, we are conditioned by women to give them constant praise and attention, whether we like it, want to, or not.

 

Now there's nothing wrong with this, in fact I have appreciation for the gender roles...and not every woman and man acts this way but speaking in general terms, I know what to expect from men in real life and I know what to expect from women, and if I was wrong I'm sure I'd be experiencing something completely different.

 

The reality is, women just don't know or understand men as well as they think they do which is why you're so surprised when they do something out of "character"...I bet I could sit down with your husband/boyfriend and ask him questions that you've never thought of and I'd make your mouth drop as you watch him closely with your lazy beams eyes and you give him the look of "say something nice" because I could make that guy step all over his own feet, because most of the answers you already ASSUME you know.

 

But when a man isn't socially conditioning himself and carefully crafting his answers, which is how he expresses himself and is with other men because he doesn't need to be anything else...that's the reality, the reality that men are so coached to keep off of the streets like it's some dirty underground black market, but even if you shut these guys up they're still thinking like a man in their heads.

 

But you go ahead and live in fantasy land, it seems to be the preferred method by many.

 

We are men with very dirty dirty minds, and the truth is, so are many of you women, but you can't accept that within yourself...or at least as long as his dirty mind ONLY applies to you....good luck with that!

[xxoo]

We are men with very dirty dirty minds, and the truth is, so are many of you women, but you can't accept that within yourself...or at least as long as his dirty mind ONLY applies to you....good luck with that!

 

I can accept that, Heck, I celebrate that. We both have dirty minds, for each other and for others at times. Hot!

 

I still don't understand how this requires disrespecting your partner to others.

 

It's a fine line, but it is about appreciating the woman you have and not saying things that paint her as less sexy than that woman on the screen.

[Keenly]

I can accept that, Heck, I celebrate that. We both have dirty minds, for each other and for others at times. Hot!

 

I still don't understand how this requires disrespecting your partner to others.

 

It's a fine line, but it is about appreciating the woman you have and not saying things that paint her as less sexy than that woman on the screen.

 

What you interpret as disrespect is not actually disrespect.

 

I didn't quite see where he disrepsected his wife.

[xxoo]

What you interpret as disrespect is not actually disrespect.

 

I didn't quite see where he disrepsected his wife.

 

Saying he wants to put a gun to his head because he is too old for the woman in the photo.

 

He has a wife. Is her desire for him not enough for him to continue to have the will to live?

 

That line would make me dry up and close off and want him never to touch me again. I'd get over it, but it would HURT.

 

I get that it was a joke, but it was disrespectful and insensitive. I think he realizes that now. Hopefully, he'll grasp the part that hurt her and will continue to feel like a man without saying such hurtful things in the future.

[Keenly]

Saying he wants to put a gun to his head because he is too old for the woman in the photo.

 

He has a wife. Is her desire for him not enough for him to continue to have the will to live?

 

That line would make me dry up and close off and want him never to touch me again. I'd get over it, but it would HURT.

 

I get that it was a joke, but it was disrespectful and insensitive. I think he realizes that now. Hopefully, he'll grasp the part that hurt her and will continue to feel like a man without saying such hurtful things in the future.

 

Okay, so we are back to my original point, where we make rules as to what he can't and can't say around his friends.

 

 

Instead of taking what he is actually saying, that he's afraid of getting older, were going to take his feelings as the wife and make it about her, because we don't like how men choose to talk to eachother?

 

 

Its an expression. There's no need to take it literally. If some one said they were starving to death, would you get mad at them for being anorexic?

 

 

The issue here is one that men and women often have with eachother. The message itself is completely ignored so we can focus on HOW the message was delivered. The man says he's afraid of getting old. He said it in the manner in which he is accustomed to speaking with his friends, so were going to get mad at him for it ?

 

 

Jesus Christ, let the man be.

[xxoo]

Okay, so we are back to my original point, where we make rules as to what he can't and can't say around his friends.

 

 

Instead of taking what he is actually saying, that he's afraid of getting older, were going to take his feelings as the wife and make it about her, because we don't like how men choose to talk to eachother?

 

 

Its an expression. There's no need to take it literally. If some one said they were starving to death, would you get mad at them for being anorexic?

 

 

The issue here is one that men and women often have with eachother. The message itself is completely ignored so we can focus on HOW the message was delivered. The man says he's afraid of getting old. He said it in the manner in which he is accustomed to speaking with his friends, so were going to get mad at him for it ?

 

 

Jesus Christ, let the man be.

 

If he said he's afraid of getting old, none of this would be an issue.

 

The fact is he said something different. From the sound of it, HE realized how hurtful it was when he discussed it with his wife, and said he'd be upset if SHE had said it. If HE understands the line, what is the problem?

 

We are all capable of growth and change. Getting defensive and refusing to consider a partner's feelings because we "didn't mean it that way" isn't a positive trait.

[sweetjasmine]

Okay, so we are back to my original point, where we make rules as to what he can't and can't say around his friends.

 

Yes, there are "rules" as to what you "can" and "can't" say to people about others if you want to maintain a healthy, intimate relationship with them.

 

Or would it be totally controlling of my husband if he told me he was upset because I was chatting with my girlfriends about how his dong isn't big enough and how I want to eat a gun because I'm too old to land a rich guy with a bigger dong anymore? Maybe it's just my way of expressing the anxiety I'm feeling over aging and finances, right?

[Ruby Slippers]

I think the real problem here is that the OP went snooping into her husband's phone. I would be very pissed off if my partner went digging through my text messages while I was asleep, for no good reason. She invaded his privacy and is now suffering the consequences of knowing too much.

[xxoo]

I want to add that it's not only in male culture to say things that disrespect your spouse. Women do this, too. As with men, it isn't ALL women, but the women who do it consider it to be "normal" and "venting" or whatever.

 

I gravitate away from those women. And when I get caught in a conversation like that, I have nothing to add. I'm not going to talk about how awful marriage is or husbands are. I'm a party pooper, but I'm a good wife And my marriage is better because of it. Marriage is like many things: you get out of it what you put into it.

[xxoo]

I think the real problem here is that the OP went snooping into her husband's phone. I would be very pissed off if my partner went digging through my text messages while I was asleep, for no good reason. She invaded his privacy and is now suffering the consequences of knowing too much.

 

Eh, I would've done the same thing if my H was napping and his phone was firing like crazy. And he'd do the same for me. Check the phone, see who's texting, and if there is a reason to wake him up. Even our kids will check our phones if we are in a different room to say who is calling or texting. This may depend on the habits of the couple or family, though.

[Ruby Slippers]

I guess so. I have a very high level of respect for privacy, so I would never, ever check anything on anybody else's phone without them asking me to. I consider doing so very invasive.

 

However, the OP did take it a step further by digging through the text history. Not cool.

[redtail]

Eh, I would've done the same thing if my H was napping and his phone was firing like crazy.

 

True, I couldn't care less if my wife went through my phone or whatever else. Two reasons; I trust her reasoning for doing so implicitly, and secondly, I have nothing to hide.

 

Carry on...

[Mr. Lucky]

Eh, I would've done the same thing if my H was napping and his phone was firing like crazy. And he'd do the same for me. Check the phone, see who's texting, and if there is a reason to wake him up. Even our kids will check our phones if we are in a different room to say who is calling or texting. This may depend on the habits of the couple or family, though.

Agreed. Same with email, I usually leave it open on my laptop. Nothing I'd be concerned were my spouse to see...

 

Mr. Lucky

[intricate]

True, I couldn't care less if my wife went through my phone or whatever else. Two reasons; I trust her reasoning for doing so implicitly, and secondly, I have nothing to hide.

 

Carry on...

 

Agreed. Same with email, I usually leave it open on my laptop. Nothing I'd be concerned were my spouse to see...

 

Mr. Lucky

 

I think this is also the case with monogamy in general. A lot of people cannot attain the capacity to stay happy and satisfied with just one partner for the rest of their lives, so people either have emotional affairs or even having extramarital sex behind their spouse's back just to get their fix. When they cannot, for some reason, get the free sex from someone other than their spouse, they become depressed and talk about how amazing it would be to have "that last bite into the fruit of temptation". Regrets creep in, memory lanes fade into their minds, and they sigh with grief. Their spouses are so unattractive, why can't they attract a young, fit doll instead? If only I had a gun...

 

It's okay to find someone else attracted while you are married. It's okay to think, "Wow, what a beautiful man/woman!" but it's not okay to actively flirt, cheat on your spouse, or have reminiscing moments and thoughts of suicide because you're too selfish to admit that monogamy is not for you and that you should leave your spouse to get an upgrade to a better, more loyal partner.

 

I don't know what the OP is doing these days, but I sure hope she at least entertains the idea of seeking marital counseling, and if her husband truly is serious about wanting to sleep with young women again, that she may even speak with a divorce attorney. I'm sorry, but there are MANY men and women out there who are very happy and proud to be with their partners, and feel extremely lucky to be with them, that the mere thought of cheating on them would make them sick to their stomach/cry at the thought of hurting their partners like that. Sorry not sorry.

 

Rant over.

[Emilia]

Saying he wants to put a gun to his head because he is too old for the woman in the photo.

 

He has a wife. Is her desire for him not enough for him to continue to have the will to live?

 

That line would make me dry up and close off and want him never to touch me again. I'd get over it, but it would HURT.

 

I get that it was a joke, but it was disrespectful and insensitive. I think he realizes that now. Hopefully, he'll grasp the part that hurt her and will continue to feel like a man without saying such hurtful things in the future.

But just because someone marries you, they don't cease to be a separate entity. He has feelings about himself and this is not about the wife. It's about his aging, his abilities and virility and power as a man slipping away from him. I can tell you that any man who starts balding has very similar feelings, thoughts and emotions even if he is married with a wife. They feel depressed because they feel they start losing attractiveness. It's not about chatting up some blonde in a bar and disrespecting the wife, it's about what he sees and what he was proud of in the past slipping away from him. It's a middle aged thing, about uncertainty and not looking forward to old age.

 

Why isn't he allowed to have that? Why does everything has to be about the other person? This is why so many marriages are suffocating. 'what about me what about me what about me.' I think this is partly what Ninja meant and I completely agree. It's exhausting to be always considerate and worry about what you think, do and say will offend the other person even when it has nothing to do with them just because they are so sensitive.

[Turtles]

Saying he wants to put a gun to his head because he is too old for the woman in the photo.

 

He has a wife. Is her desire for him not enough for him to continue to have the will to live?

 

That line would make me dry up and close off and want him never to touch me again. I'd get over it, but it would HURT.

 

I get that it was a joke, but it was disrespectful and insensitive. I think he realizes that now. Hopefully, he'll grasp the part that hurt her and will continue to feel like a man without saying such hurtful things in the future.

 

OK, seriously now. It's a figure of speech. I can't count how many times I have texted to a co-worker "just shoot me now" while we were on a dreadful conference call. Or been texted the same. Does not mean we are all considering suicide over it.

 

And if you want to say that must be a male thing... are you seriously trying to tell me females don't exaggerate? Seriously? I hate to be sexist but if there is one trait I would attribute to females specifically it would be the propensity for hyperbole.

 

That's your problem when you read texts that were not addressed to you completely out of context and blow them completely out of proportion. People talk, and people think, and sometimes these thoughts might not be what you expected or they might even seem hurtful to you, doesn't mean that they don't love you & their life with you. If you're going to "dry up" because I have one wistful memory of youth then that's too darn bad for you. If you're going to tell me that females don't have longings for their youth at times, well that's a funny thought. Finally if you're going to try and police your mate into a zombie that just talks and thinks the way you want him to, be careful what you wish for because you just might get it.

 

I think if there is one thing to be learned by this dude, it's don't leave your phone laying around after you've been drinking & texting.

[serial muse]

Of course what a startling difference between...

 

"Don't talk to your friends about our marriage and your past sexual endeavors!"

 

and

 

"Talking to your friends about our marriage and past sexual encounters is upsetting and hurtful"

 

You're practically comparing spaceships and butterflies

 

Can we at least pretend that we're all not naive here and actually understand that it's essentially the same expression, with the same expectation and demand, one is just wrapped in an every so slightly package...is there really a damn choice in the matter? let's be realistic.

 

Can we just act accept the obvious for once? it is a demand, it is threat..she's just giving him a chance to "change on his own through good judgment"

 

Oh, indeed, let's accept the obvious! I mean, Jesus Christ, why are we mincing words here? Let's call a spade a spade! Yes! Let's not pretend that the way that we phrase things makes a bit of difference, because women do that all the time and it's so annoying and tiresome and wasting time of them and....

 

Its an expression. There's no need to take it literally. If some one said they were starving to death, would you get mad at them for being anorexic?

 

The issue here is one that men and women often have with eachother. The message itself is completely ignored so we can focus on HOW the message was delivered. The man says he's afraid of getting old. He said it in the manner in which he is accustomed to speaking with his friends, so were going to get mad at him for it ?

 

Jesus Christ, let the man be.

 

 

...eh?

 

Anyone want to address this contradiction or do you guys still want to pretend you're arguing the same thing? Because you aren't.

 

You simply can't have it both ways, fellas.

 

My point stands, ninja, and apparently Keenly agrees with me despite himself. On the one hand what he says is not meant to be taken literally, and yet on the other, I'm mincing words by pointing out that how she says something matters, and context matters?

 

Nope. If choice of words mattered so little to you, I suspect you'd use far fewer of them per post. But by all means, criticize my choice of expressions.

Edited October 17, 2014 by serial muse

[xxoo]

OK, seriously now. It's a figure of speech. I can't count how many times I have texted to a co-worker "just shoot me now" while we were on a dreadful conference call. Or been texted the same. Does not mean we are all considering suicide over it.

 

Just as my use of "a will to live" was an exaggeration, mirroring his own choice.

 

The point isn't literal suicide. The point is expressing misery because he can't have that woman. Yuck.

 

Again, longings from youth don't bother me. I have plenty of my own I enjoy. I'm not going to express misery to my friends because those times are in the past (implying that what I have now is not as good), both because I don't feel that way, and I wouldn't disrespect my husband like that.

Edited October 17, 2014 by xxoo

[beatcuff]

I'm not going to express misery to my friends because those times are in the past , [both] because I don't feel that way...

 

this is non-nonsensical. of course one would not say what they do not feel.

 

the issue is whether his "just shoot me" [sic] should be taken literally. teens have been using 'f*** my life' on FB and in tweets when something goes wrong --- it appears some on this thread would think its a slam against their parents rather than what it is.

[SawtoothMars]

Uhh wow. If I had to summarize the novel you wrote, I think you are basically saying "boys will boys". Got it. Noted.

As for blabbing to my friends, no clue where you got that. I guess you missed the post where I stated I don't do the talk about my feelings crap stereotype that women are tagged with today and you so eloquently perpetuated in your response. If I have a problem with someone, in this case my husband, I talk to him and only him. I haven't talked to my girlfriends and I sure as hell ain't going to tell them the stuff their husbands are talking about. It's none of my business. Maybe that will restore some of your faith in the opposite sex cause looks like you need it.

 

Ok... after reading all of your posts in this ridiculous thread... you have some serious issues.

 

Almost everything he says here is to impress "the guys." Including the statement about getting an younger woman. You cannot take this to be a reflection of honest thought or feelings. This is just how some guys express themselves in a group.

 

You snooped through his phone and took a bunch of stuff way out of context. That is your fault, not his. Also... your friends are more immature and stupid than his... which says a lot.