Husband's Inappropriate Text Msgs

[xxoo]

Wanting something "other than" as in being dissatisfied with what he has, and wishing he had something better/hotter. That's what would be difficult for me to accept, if true.

[oldshirt]

He said he's too old to get a girl like that, so it would seem likely that the girl is not his age (according to the op, he's 40).

 

 

we're all assuming it was a young gal, but her age has not been specified.

 

 

I don't understand why the woman you (general you) love is not enough to make a man feel proud and very lucky.

 

 

this is an important point to make - The OP's husband likely is very proud and considers himself very lucky to have her. Like I kept saying in earlier posts, this has nothing to do with her. This was likely a 30 second whim that he txt to another middle aged man in the same boat. Only another middle age man would understand and not judge him harshly for it. He likely loves her very much and wouldn't trade her for a bus load of 20 year olds. But doesn't mean that he still doesn't get bummed realizing he wouldn't be able to get a hot 20 year old any more.

 

I really have no interest in actually getting a 20 and having to put up with her 20 year old issues. But that doesn't mean I don't get bummed out by the fact I wouldn't be able to get one if I did want one.

 

 

 

It's depressing. Which is sort of ironic, because he mentions being depressed in the text, and his comments depress her. Before that, she was quite happy with him!

 

See response above.

[lollipopspot]

I really have no interest in actually getting a 20 and having to put up with her 20 year old issues. But that doesn't mean I don't get bummed out by the fact I wouldn't be able to get one if I did want one.

 

That's what I find problematic. It's as though the female's body is a trophy that you acquire, rather than that she's a partner that you have a relationship with, like your wife. I've never thought of males like that. If I see a younger, more attractive guy in a magazine, I don't ever think about "getting one" for myself, or how I could lament or get bummed out that I might be too too old or unattractive or whatever to "get one" like that. I don't worship the young hot body separate from the whole person.

Edited October 10, 2014 by lollipopspot

[xxoo]

If thats what he means, oldshirt, he needs to make that clear.

 

Still, it's a bitter pill for a woman to swallow that her man would be bummed about not being able to "get" a certain woman. What does thàt say about his wife, who he is obviously able to "get"?

[LoneIsland]

If thats what he means, oldshirt, he needs to make that clear.

 

Still, it's a bitter pill for a woman to swallow that her man would be bummed about not being able to "get" a certain woman. What does thàt say about his wife, who he is obviously able to "get"?

 

In men talk, they joke, boast, exaggerate, play, and BS. Shouldn't attach any meaning to those things if the guy hasn't physically done anything.

[oldshirt]

If I see a younger, more attractive guy in a magazine, I don't ever think about "getting one" for myself, or how I could lament or get bummed out that I might be too too old or unattractive or whatever to "get one" like that.

 

I don't know how old you are. If you are under 40, disregard.

 

But if you are over 40 let's tweek this a little to make it more female applicable.

 

 

How would you feel if you came across a handsome, rich, powerful man that was wanting to settle down and find a wife and have a family and you knew that he wouldn't even consider you due to your age and would look instead to younger, fitter women that may not even be half the woman you are/were?

[xxoo]

I don't know how old you are. If you are under 40, disregard.

 

But if you are over 40 let's tweek this a little to make it more female applicable.

 

 

How would you feel if you came across a handsome, rich, powerful man that was wanting to settle down and find a wife and have a family and you knew that he wouldn't even consider you due to your age and would look instead to younger, fitter women that may not even be half the woman you are/were?

 

I'm over 40.

 

I've already got the best guy who thinks the world of me. I really do not care about the preferences of some other guy. I care what my guy thinks, and I care a lot.

[oldshirt]

If thats what he means, oldshirt, he needs to make that clear.

 

 

 

yes he does. That's why she needs to address this with him so he will be aware of what she is going through and he can explain what she means to him

 

Still, it's a bitter pill for a woman to swallow that her man would be bummed about not being able to "get" a certain woman. What does thàt say about his wife, who he is obviously able to "get"?

 

 

let me use myself as an example. I met my wife when she was 25 years old (I was 29). I am not exaggerating or embellishing when I say that she was one of the 10 most beautiful single women in the Midwestern town of 12,000 that we were in at the time.

 

It took a lot of time and effort but I was able to interest and attract her eventually. We dated for a couple years and will have our 19th anniversary in a few weeks. I love and admire her very much and we've had a good life together. She is still a very fit and beautiful woman. She still turns heads. If she's all dressed up, men and women both stop talking and look when she walks in the room. For 47 year old women, she is easily in the 95th percentile.

 

For a 50 year old man, I am reasonably fit and attractive. If we were to split I would be able to attract another reasonably attractive and professional woman in her 40s

 

I would not however be able to get the time of day from one of the hottest 25 year old women in town again. It wouldn't matter how well I dress, how hard I hit the gym, how much education or how high status a job or how much money I have ( unless we are talking an actual blatant gold digger or prostitute)

 

No matter what I do or say, I would not be able to attract a 25 year old that was the same level my wife was at 25 - I'm just simply too old.

 

Now granted, I'd have no real interest in an actual relationship with a 25 year old, but it still kind of stings knowing that I wouldn't be able to even if I did for some reason.

 

 

 

 

Responses above.

[oldshirt]

I'm over 40.

 

I've already got the best guy who thinks the world of me. I really do not care about the preferences of some other guy. I care what my guy thinks, and I care a lot.

 

That's what you say publically when you are in a debate and trying to make a point.

 

But you probably tell your closest and most trusted friend something differently at times that you would never let your husband hear you say and you would feel like ass if he did hear you say it.

 

And that is what happened here. He said one thing thing that was in his mind for that exact moment and he shared it with some friends that are in the boat that would understand. It was never something he intended for her to see and he'll probably feel like an ass and bring her flowers and rub her feet daily for long long time when he finds out she read it.

[nikki5]

That's what you say publically when you are in a debate and trying to make a point.

 

But you probably tell your closest and most trusted friend something differently at times that you would never let your husband hear you say and you would feel like ass if he did hear you say it.

 

And that is what happened here. He said one thing thing that was in his mind for that exact moment and he shared it with some friends that are in the boat that would understand. It was never something he intended for her to see and he'll probably feel like an ass and bring her flowers and rub her feet daily for long long time when he finds out she read it.

 

Oldshirt, you are good people. Your posts are very insightful especially from the male point of view. So I spoke to the hubs tonight once the kids were asleep. Just laid it all out in a very calm manner, told him what I saw, how I felt when I saw it the texts he wrote. Looking on, as the blood just continued to disappear from his face until he was as pale as a ghost. At first, he said he didn't know what I was talking about. Not a good idea, as I read the texts verbatim and found a few more choice comments to add to the bunch, sigh. He was extremely apologetic, said it didn't mean anything. He acknowledged it was completely inappropriate and had roles been reversed he would be livid if I was talking like him or about previous hookups in the way he was doing. He said the middle aged comment about not being able to get a hot piece was just a dumb joke and he meant nothing by it. Groveling sequence commences, I'm so happy, I love you, your so gorgeous yada yada.

 

So I felt it was a good conversation. Forgiven, no. This whole thing still stings a bit. He feels like crap and he should. Guys talk or not, some of that stuff just crossed the line. He said he knows that him and his friends are immature arseholes to which I responded you said it not me but yeah you're right.

So we shall see, I do feel like he was hurt because I am hurt and more importantly right away knew some of that stuff he said was just too much. He looked like he was going to puke when I was reading the txts.

 

What I find interesting though from all the responses is the comment he made about not being able to get a young girl is echoed as valid by the men here. Like there really is part of older men that get sad about that. As women, are completely content with their husbands and would not even bat an eyelash about hooking a younger guy. I guess that is just the difference b/t the sexes because while I might visually like to stare at Channing Tatum or a Zac Efron here or there the thought of actually, even for a fleeting moment, be sad I can't pick up someone that age anymore is laughable. It just feels gross, but I suppose that's why women like older men because we need those extra years on you so we can be the same age maturity wise.

 

Thank you everyone for your comments and insight. I don't think the conversation would have gone as well had I not posted here. So I appreciate the advice and will let you all know how it's going!!

[CarrieT]

Nikki that was an admirable thing you did and it sounds like the conversation went well, despite being difficult.

 

You handled it beautifully and perhaps your husband will have a little more respect for you now that he sees you in this new light.

[oldshirt]

 

 

 

 

 

What I find interesting though from all the responses is the comment he made about not being able to get a young girl is echoed as valid by the men here. Like there really is part of older men that get sad about that.

 

well yeah duh :-) It's not like no one has ever heard of a guy getting midlife crises before LOL

 

 

As women, are completely content with their husbands and would not even bat an eyelash about hooking a younger guy.

 

yeah right. (Roll eyes here).

 

 

I guess that is just the difference b/t the sexes because while I might visually like to stare at Channing Tatum or a Zac Efron here or there the thought of actually, even for a fleeting moment, be sad I can't pick up someone that age anymore is laughable.

 

 

well that's not really a fair apples to apples comparison. The difference between a middle age man and woman is if you offered up some free poontang to Channing Tatum or Zac Efron and it wouldn't get them in trouble - they'd take you up on it! They'd probably not date, marry or have a legit relationship with you but they'd gladly do ya if they didn't have a better offer on the table at the moment.

 

If a middle age guy does the same thing with a young hot chick, she might call the cops.

 

It's all together different.

 

 

It just feels gross, but I suppose that's why women like older men because we need those extra years on you so we can be the same age maturity wise.

 

Thank you everyone for your comments and insight. I don't think the conversation would have gone as well had I not posted here. So I appreciate the advice and will let you all know how it's going!!

 

 

I'm glad you were faced this head-on and addressed it instead of just being passive-aggressive and let it fester and poison your relationship. I'm not saying you are going to be all roses and sunshine for the next few days, but this had the potential to be real damaging if it was left to fester.

[Mr. Lucky]

I really have no interest in actually getting a 20 and having to put up with her 20 year old issues. But that doesn't mean I don't get bummed out by the fact I wouldn't be able to get one if I did want one.

The regret isn't about not getting a 20-year old. It's about not being 20. OP, translated from manspeak what your husband (inelegantly) said is "I'm not as young as I used to be". Pretty normal emotion though pretty poorly expressed...

 

Mr. Lucky

[HereNorThere]

What he said was hyperbolic and ultimately hurtful to you, but I'm with Keenly on this, it's old guy locker room talk, showing off, the equivalent of an ape beating on his chest.

 

And I assure you, as hard as he tried to show off to his friends, they know he's all old and whipped. Lol, he even admits it.

 

Hurtful, yes. Intentionally said to hurt you, nope. Sexual, nope. Showing off to the guys, yup.

Edited October 10, 2014 by HereNorThere

[MidwestUSA]

Question to ponder, and maybe it's been brought up, but why the hell didn't he delete the texts? Did he have some desire for Nikki to see them?

 

Or was it just a stupid slip up?

ETA: I just read your post, Nikki, about the 'confrontation'. I'd say it was the best response you could have gotten. My husband gets physically ill when he knows he's in the wrong and he's upset me.

 

 

 

Good luck with resolving things. Keep talking!

Edited October 10, 2014 by MidwestUSA

[xxoo]

That's what you say publically when you are in a debate and trying to make a point.

 

But you probably tell your closest and most trusted friend something differently at times that you would never let your husband hear you say and you would feel like ass if he did hear you say it.

 

It may be difficult for you to believe because you feel differently, but I simply cannot relate, and other women here feel the same. It would really sting to see that my partner had those thoughts (not fantasies, which are fine with me, but actually feeling bummed he can't have her).

 

Op, glad the talk went well.

[LoneIsland]

Question to ponder, and maybe it's been brought up, but why the hell didn't he delete the texts? Did he have some desire for Nikki to see them?

 

He was comfortable with his marriage and didn't expect his phone would be searched. When men doing men talk, they tend to let their hair down. To men, the messages were plays of no consequence. But they probably underestimate the reaction from women.

[oldshirt]

The regret isn't about not getting a 20-year old. It's about not being 20.

 

 

good point. In some ways yes, in some ways no. I love the wisdom, insight, confidence, competence and social and professional status I have achieved over 50 years.

 

But I do miss the body, hair, energy and vigor that I had at 20.

 

In regards to "getting women" there probably a few 20somethungs that would be drawn to wisdom, confidence and status, but it would just be so that I could house and provide for them. They wouldn't actually sexually desire me though. Their desire would be for someone having hair, abz, gunz and youthful energy and vigor.

 

 

 

OP, translated from manspeak what your husband (inelegantly) said is "I'm not as young as I used to be". Pretty normal emotion though pretty poorly expressed...

 

agreed. Mr Lucky said in two sentences what took me multiple pages to try to say.

 

Mr. Lucky

 

Mr Lucky said it well

[SummerDreams]

If I were you, I'd tell him that I read these conversations without showing any emotions (anger, sadness etc) and give him the opportunity to react how he wants to react and I'd go from there. If he laughs about it, I'd laugh about it. If he shows guilt, I'd ask him if there is anything to feel real guilt about. If he'd get all defensive, I'd ask him why he is reacting this way, and so on. Just play it like you don't make a big deal out of it and see how it goes.

[Emilia]

Yes I totally get that he misses his youth and virility and what he could do in those days. He feels the passing of time and he is becoming invisible to women. I'm not looking forward to the day when I start becoming invisible to men, regardless whether I'll be with someone then or not.

 

Human nature, perfectly understandable.

[redtail]

Nikki, good for you! You did the right thing and cleared the air, these are the conversations that strengthen the relationship, IMHO.

 

What I find interesting though from all the responses is the comment he made about not being able to get a young girl is echoed as valid by the men here.

By some men here, please understand, this is not an inherent trait that men have. Maybe some foster this immature belief that a younger woman would make them happy, I personally know better. My wife is perfect for me, her experiences (read age) is what gives our relationship, sex life and everything else, depth. A younger female who is just out of coloring does not appeal to me.

 

Like there really is part of older men that get sad about that.

I dunno, my 50's have been flippin' awesome, I'm not sad about anything!

Edited October 10, 2014 by redtail

[d0nnivain]

Nikki

 

I am so glad that your story is on it's way to a happy ending.

[2sunny]

It's good that you discussed it.

 

But what has changed?

 

He showed exactly who he is. He's willing to act like a ten year old boy - he's been disrespecting you and your marriage behind your back - all to feel connected to his buddies!

 

Did he agree to counseling to work through his piss poor attitude about you? That attitude of feeling like he can't get the hottie and being stuck with his wife?

 

My god - if that was my husbands attitude about me and he was willing to state it clearly to his (so called) friends then he'd be homeless instantly!

 

 

I suppose attracting that hottie and dreaming about it is more important than his wife that stands by his side...?

 

I'd seriously feel as if I don't really know the man I'm married to. Since he feels like a stranger I think I'd give him the opportunity to be the stranger.

 

 

He may not be sorry he did it - just sorry you found out.

 

 

He denied! That's also very concerning! So he lies!

 

You have so many FUNDAMENTAL holes in your marriage that need fixing - a simple "I'm sorry" isn't going to fix those concerns.

 

 

No consequences means nothing has changed - except that now you know what a douche bag he really is.

 

When someone shows you who they REALLY are - believe them!

 

I think accepting his sorry isn't enough. More like rug sweeping to avoid doing anything significant to change the relationship.

 

He's disrespectful to the core! That hasn't changed!

 

Is this how you intend to live? If not then start changing things to get a different result!

[Ninjainpajamas]

From the sense that I get from the OP, she's let this slide for now with this peaceful and diplomatic approach; where she essentially squeaks out some disciplinary emotion and he essentially backpedals and makes excuses for his behavior and is all apologetic (all as expected, which any guy will do) she's still going to be bothered by this and blow up on him at some point...she's a ticking time-bomb because she hasn't been able to release that emotion she's withholding.

 

And then she goes and tells her friends? why do women constantly do this? And these women ACTUALLY think their guy is "different"...why? oh just because he is...all the while she's seen the other comments of those men's behavior...shouldn't you feel obligated to tell them about that rather than crap on your husband? let's just coat the whole place down with a nice color of reality.

 

Most women (for reasons beyond me) seem to think that only immature men do this, or only a certain sect of men do this, and guys like redtail are the "good/pious men" who never do anything bad or naughty and are perfect gentlemen all the time...I just don't even get it, I really don't...how can anyone over the age of 5 even...ugh, just forget it.

 

The problem with women and transparency is this...

 

A) Tell them what they want to hear and get praise *cough* guys like redtail *cough*and they don't even question or ponder, it's like an automatic acceptance with open arms without even knowing the damn guy, just a fancy line that any guy could say without transparency within his own life

 

or...

 

B) Tell them the "truth" and regardless of how you explain the situation it's still essentially wrong in the end because it doesn't align with how that woman "feels"

 

For women it's all about how they feel about a situation...but this is the kind of situation where I wish I could lift the rocks of fantasy to expose all the "life" underneath, the worms, the cockroach, and the rest of the bugs hiding below...because on the surface all you saw was a very tame, consistent and lovely rock.

 

Every guy has his dirt, some men talk, some men do, other men do both. Sometimes the "smart" men just keep all those thoughts to themselves in their mind (seriously, these are about the easiest guys to profile because they pretend so hard not to be a "typical" man), some men don't have the relationships or friends to actually express those kinds of thoughts or feeling...but it doesn't take a rocket scientist of a man to tell you it's perfectly normally behavior to us as men, growing up as men, this would not ever be shocking in any way.

 

But for women, because they believe their "love" change it all or some guys sitting on that bench are from planet mars, the others are from venus and the others are from who knows where...their relationship or marriage, or more importantly "their guy" is always different, try it ladies, ask your lady friends about things you know about men that they don't or things that you can see that they are just naive to and see how "obvious" anything is to them...women are all in the boat, they are all in the dark when it comes to their own men...oh he only has eyes for me always and forever, I've got one of the "good men"...and then when they find out anything different it's like tearing the pages from her journal, or her smashing her most sacred possession when they find out the man actually STILL acts like a man and desires other women...at the least sexually.

 

What forces within the universe will it take to just shatter this myth so we can just accept that men are a certain way? it's just the reality, sorry if it doesn't live up to your idealistic view because of how you feel, your insecurity or whatever that makes what that man does be automatically about YOU.

 

.....

 

The bright side of this in my eyes is that this guy was talking about some girl way back in his days before marriage, IMO you should consider yourself "lucky" it wasn't about someone recently or during the marriage, because that would have been just as likely...that's just the real world.

 

Post like this continue to reveal why women are simply not ready for the truth, therefore any guy wiling to jump on that bandwagon for easy praise for a comment on the internet. But women should be more suspicious over men who are too "clean" rather than a guy like this who has a private conversation with his buddy and says something as normal as the afternoon day...for men at least.

 

The guy is being a guy, he's an idiot for texting what he did and I'm sure he will regret it and make sure he doesn't do again...and guess what? he's going to send out a little emergency flair to prepare the other men for damage control too, they'll all be informed about this little "intrusion" this breach into the security zone that men either have to pretend they're too good or pious for that kind of "immature behavior" so that they can cast another veil upon women's eyes to explain this...how in the world do women actually believe men when you know better? like seriously, how do you lie to yourself day in and day out? oh right, it's THOSE GUYS, not YOUR GUY...sorry, forgot about that!

 

Especially people who are "experienced" with men, and seen the different walks of life and backgrounds of these men, like CarrieT, you have to be aware of how men have two sides to them...for crying out loud, you HAVE to know men better than this.

 

Sorry ladies, men are "disrespectful" to you by nature, if they are criticized for being men...not for what they say, but what's in their damn heads that you don't know. But I guess it makes it more respectful when they fall in line.

 

People spend so much time and energy trying to live in a false reality that suits them, that is why it's so fragile and delicate of a thing.

[redtail]

I just don't even get it, I really don't.

 

True, on this we can agree, or at the very least, agree to disagree.

 

I've learned early on in life that there are many trains of thought one can pursue, like stations on a radio. Because you happen to be tuned in to yours, doesn't mean that others aren't tuned into another.

 

Your march to your music, I'll march to mine...