Husband's Inappropriate Text Msgs

[nikki5]

From the sense that I get from the OP, she's let this slide for now with this peaceful and diplomatic approach; where she essentially squeaks out some disciplinary emotion and he essentially backpedals and makes excuses for his behavior and is all apologetic (all as expected, which any guy will do) she's still going to be bothered by this and blow up on him at some point...she's a ticking time-bomb because she hasn't been able to release that emotion she's withholding.

 

And then she goes and tells her friends? why do women constantly do this? And these women ACTUALLY think their guy is "different"...why? oh just because he is...all the while she's seen the other comments of those men's behavior...shouldn't you feel obligated to tell them about that rather than crap on your husband? let's just coat the whole place down with a nice color of reality.

 

Most women (for reasons beyond me) seem to think that only immature men do this, or only a certain sect of men do this, and guys like redtail are the "good/pious men" who never do anything bad or naughty and are perfect gentlemen all the time...I just don't even get it, I really don't...how can anyone over the age of 5 even...ugh, just forget it.

 

The problem with women and transparency is this...

 

A) Tell them what they want to hear and get praise *cough* guys like redtail *cough*and they don't even question or ponder, it's like an automatic acceptance with open arms without even knowing the damn guy, just a fancy line that any guy could say without transparency within his own life

 

or...

 

B) Tell them the "truth" and regardless of how you explain the situation it's still essentially wrong in the end because it doesn't align with how that woman "feels"

 

For women it's all about how they feel about a situation...but this is the kind of situation where I wish I could lift the rocks of fantasy to expose all the "life" underneath, the worms, the cockroach, and the rest of the bugs hiding below...because on the surface all you saw was a very tame, consistent and lovely rock.

 

Every guy has his dirt, some men talk, some men do, other men do both. Sometimes the "smart" men just keep all those thoughts to themselves in their mind (seriously, these are about the easiest guys to profile because they pretend so hard not to be a "typical" man), some men don't have the relationships or friends to actually express those kinds of thoughts or feeling...but it doesn't take a rocket scientist of a man to tell you it's perfectly normally behavior to us as men, growing up as men, this would not ever be shocking in any way.

 

But for women, because they believe their "love" change it all or some guys sitting on that bench are from planet mars, the others are from venus and the others are from who knows where...their relationship or marriage, or more importantly "their guy" is always different, try it ladies, ask your lady friends about things you know about men that they don't or things that you can see that they are just naive to and see how "obvious" anything is to them...women are all in the boat, they are all in the dark when it comes to their own men...oh he only has eyes for me always and forever, I've got one of the "good men"...and then when they find out anything different it's like tearing the pages from her journal, or her smashing her most sacred possession when they find out the man actually STILL acts like a man and desires other women...at the least sexually.

 

What forces within the universe will it take to just shatter this myth so we can just accept that men are a certain way? it's just the reality, sorry if it doesn't live up to your idealistic view because of how you feel, your insecurity or whatever that makes what that man does be automatically about YOU.

 

.....

 

The bright side of this in my eyes is that this guy was talking about some girl way back in his days before marriage, IMO you should consider yourself "lucky" it wasn't about someone recently or during the marriage, because that would have been just as likely...that's just the real world.

 

Post like this continue to reveal why women are simply not ready for the truth, therefore any guy wiling to jump on that bandwagon for easy praise for a comment on the internet. But women should be more suspicious over men who are too "clean" rather than a guy like this who has a private conversation with his buddy and says something as normal as the afternoon day...for men at least.

 

The guy is being a guy, he's an idiot for texting what he did and I'm sure he will regret it and make sure he doesn't do again...and guess what? he's going to send out a little emergency flair to prepare the other men for damage control too, they'll all be informed about this little "intrusion" this breach into the security zone that men either have to pretend they're too good or pious for that kind of "immature behavior" so that they can cast another veil upon women's eyes to explain this...how in the world do women actually believe men when you know better? like seriously, how do you lie to yourself day in and day out? oh right, it's THOSE GUYS, not YOUR GUY...sorry, forgot about that!

 

Especially people who are "experienced" with men, and seen the different walks of life and backgrounds of these men, like CarrieT, you have to be aware of how men have two sides to them...for crying out loud, you HAVE to know men better than this.

 

Sorry ladies, men are "disrespectful" to you by nature, if they are criticized for being men...not for what they say, but what's in their damn heads that you don't know. But I guess it makes it more respectful when they fall in line.

 

People spend so much time and energy trying to live in a false reality that suits them, that is why it's so fragile and delicate of a thing.

 

Uhh wow. If I had to summarize the novel you wrote, I think you are basically saying "boys will boys". Got it. Noted.

 

As for blabbing to my friends, no clue where you got that. I guess you missed the post where I stated I don't do the talk about my feelings crap stereotype that women are tagged with today and you so eloquently perpetuated in your response. If I have a problem with someone, in this case my husband, I talk to him and only him. I haven't talked to my girlfriends and I sure as hell ain't going to tell them the stuff their husbands are talking about. It's none of my business. Maybe that will restore some of your faith in the opposite sex cause looks like you need it.

[Keenly]

Make sure you put the tape recorder in his back pocket so you can monitor all of his in person conversations too.

 

 

I mean, of the goal is to police what he says to his friends, that seems like the most logical next step.

 

 

I said this before, this will happen in person. These guys interact like this. Sounds like they've all been friends for a long time. Next time they hang out, they might have the exact same conversation. Are you going to constantly worry about what your husband is saying to his friends?

[nikki5]

Make sure you put the tape recorder in his back pocket so you can monitor all of his in person conversations too.

 

 

I mean, of the goal is to police what he says to his friends, that seems like the most logical next step.

 

 

I said this before, this will happen in person. These guys interact like this. Sounds like they've all been friends for a long time. Next time they hang out, they might have the exact same conversation. Are you going to constantly worry about what your husband is saying to his friends?

 

Oh a tape recorder, what a great idea!! I think it's hilarious that some of you all think its controlling to tell your spouse something they said hurt your feelings. How is that controlling? It's called being honest. He knows how I feel. We talked about it. Not sure why you are twisting that into me trying to control his conversations? We're you there? Did you hear the list of demands I put forth upon him? Geez lighten up.

[SJS]

Uhh wow. If I had to summarize the novel you wrote, I think you are basically saying "boys will boys". Got it. Noted.

 

As for blabbing to my friends, no clue where you got that. I guess you missed the post where I stated I don't do the talk about my feelings crap stereotype that women are tagged with today and you so eloquently perpetuated in your response. If I have a problem with someone, in this case my husband, I talk to him and only him. I haven't talked to my girlfriends and I sure as hell ain't going to tell them the stuff their husbands are talking about. It's none of my business. Maybe that will restore some of your faith in the opposite sex cause looks like you need it.

On the first page you wrote "Of course the few friends I have shared this with that are also married, say I need to put his balls in a vice, but after being married for so long I know what I think is normal behavior for me does not apply to the opposite sex."

 

 

Maybe that's where it came from?

[xxoo]

There are growing-up moments in our lives, when we learn that carelessness can hurt the ones we love. Often, we learn too late not to take someone for granted. I think there's a good chance this event will stay with him, and he'll act with more gratitude and respect.

[nikki5]

On the first page you wrote "Of course the few friends I have shared this with that are also married, say I need to put his balls in a vice, but after being married for so long I know what I think is normal behavior for me does not apply to the opposite sex."

 

 

Maybe that's where it came from?

 

Bahhaha ok you got me and here is my inner nerd, honesty and all that. Shared it with my online book club friends, never met them, they don't know my husband. And of course you all. I have not and will not tell my personal friends/mutual friends about this.

[redtail]

I mean, of the goal is to police what he says to his friends, that seems like the most logical next step.

 

Keenly, you seem like a nice guy, so I'm unclear why you'd project this much on the OP's situation. Sometimes what people say about someone, describe in more detail their own fears and insecurities, I suspect this may be true here.

[SJS]

Thanks Angie. Gosh, I totally agree with you on the friends. I saw some things in there that I wish I could erase in my mind. And these guys are married to some of my best girlfriends. The very same girlfriends that told me to chop of his balls. I would never say anything of course to them about that, not my business. But from what I did see, mine is the only one that strolled down memory lane so candidly, the others just make dirty comments about women, really nasty comments, but not what they did to said women.

???

Maybe you should go back and reread your old posts.

[angie2443]

Uhh wow. If I had to summarize the novel you wrote, I think you are basically saying "boys will boys". Got it. Noted.

 

As for blabbing to my friends, no clue where you got that. I guess you missed the post where I stated I don't do the talk about my feelings crap stereotype that women are tagged with today and you so eloquently perpetuated in your response. If I have a problem with someone, in this case my husband, I talk to him and only him. I haven't talked to my girlfriends and I sure as hell ain't going to tell them the stuff their husbands are talking about. It's none of my business. Maybe that will restore some of your faith in the opposite sex cause looks like you need it.

 

I'm so glad to see you standing your ground with these guys! The bolded part is right on. Some of these men and women who come on here saying that disrespectful behavior is normal are either really immature or have had bad experiences and are projecting their negativity onto men and women in general. Yes, plenty of men talk disrespectfully about their partners, however, plenty of men don't! Sometimes, when your partner does something so hurtful, it's easy to feel down and start feeling like all men just act a certain. Recognizing the men who don't act like insensitive jerks is a huge part of changing your situation. I hope your husband gets it now and grows from this. Best of luck:)

[Ninjainpajamas]

Oh a tape recorder, what a great idea!! I think it's hilarious that some of you all think its controlling to tell your spouse something they said hurt your feelings. How is that controlling? It's called being honest. He knows how I feel. We talked about it. Not sure why you are twisting that into me trying to control his conversations? We're you there? Did you hear the list of demands I put forth upon him? Geez lighten up.

 

Must have misunderstood the bit with telling your friends, I could have sworn I read that...my mistake.

 

You're essentially black-mailing him for a private conversation that he had with his friends. You're taking something out of context that he talked about within the confidence and trust of that relationship, I'm sure they share a lot more that you didn't read.

 

Men talking to other men or venting or whatever it is could be like therapy for them...you might as well sign him up for therapy then read all the private things he tells his therapist just to make sure he doesn't say anything inappropriate about you during those conversations.

 

You basically barged into to his private life by checking his phone...which seems to be a little concerning since you felt the need to check it for him rather than wake him up...were you suspecting something else? did you have reason to invade his privacy? once you got the tail of the worm you just had to pull the whole thing out.

 

Then you take it upon yourself to feel "offended"...at this point it's going to be all about your feelings.

 

"Respect and gratitude"...your expectations of men are simply unrealistic, women perpetuate this cycle by berating them whenever they do something out of line...you think what you say changes what he said in that text message? you think it somehow changes his mind? do you think it erases the images and memory his head (which he indulges in btw and will for the rest of his life) just out of "respect"? it doesn't work that way sorry...give him a few lashes for basically for that though, even though he thinks and feels a different way.

 

Now he's basically supposed to clean up his act and act like a good little husband...wow, I'm sure that really makes him happy that he can't even indulge in BS conversation with his buddies without the wife nailing his nuts to the floor making it all about her.

 

With any understanding of men, this is a no-brainer. But again, it seems to be that as soon as a woman's emotions are involved, a mans feelings and thoughts go right out the window...especially if they infringe on the unwritten code that many women seem to not only expect but feel nearly obligated to enforce.

 

If this is about feelings...then what about his feelings? does he not get a so say or an opinion? is he really so restricted that he can't even have banter with his close-friends...that's why you're better off installing a microphone so you can find out everything he says...i mean imagine what else you don't know that could be "violating" you

 

I understand there's an expectation of respect, but he's not blabbing off in public to a random group of people, you essentially violated his private place and conversations and now he's more embarrassed more than anything over that. Just because you barged into that at the "right time" doesn't make you in the right.

Edited October 10, 2014 by Ninjainpajamas

[2sunny]

^^^

 

The fact that he was having that kind of conversation was concerning to begin with.

 

I don't think she "barged in" on that conversation! She noticed it. She didn't start texting the group.

 

She simply talked to her H about how it made her feel. That he participated in a way that hurt her - and that he seems to be a person she doesn't recognize. Nothing wrong about the way she handled it.

 

Except that it didn't bring a SOLUTION to the forefront - it just showed what the issue is.

 

Facing who he really is and either changing that OR "accepting" it is a better approach to resolve his actions.

[Keenly]

Oh a tape recorder, what a great idea!! I think it's hilarious that some of you all think its controlling to tell your spouse something they said hurt your feelings. How is that controlling? It's called being honest. He knows how I feel. We talked about it. Not sure why you are twisting that into me trying to control his conversations? We're you there? Did you hear the list of demands I put forth upon him? Geez lighten up.

 

There's a huge difference between letting some one know that something hurt your feelings, completely okay, to saying something is inappropriate. Which is in the title of the thread.

 

 

 

Inappropriate implies you would be asking or telling him to alter the way he interacts with his friends.

[angie2443]

"Respect and gratitude"...your expectations of men are simply unrealistic, women perpetuate this cycle by berating them whenever they do something out of line...you think what you say changes what he said in that text message? you think it somehow changes his mind? do you think it erases the images and memory his head (which he indulges in btw and will for the rest of his life) just out of "respect"? it doesn't work that way sorry...give him a few lashes for basically for that though, even though he thinks and feels a different way.

 

Now he's basically supposed to clean up his act and act like a good little husband...wow, I'm sure that really makes him happy that he can't even indulge in BS conversation with his buddies without the wife nailing his nuts to the floor making it all about her.

 

With any understanding of men, this is a no-brainer. But again, it seems to be that as soon as a woman's emotions are involved, a mans feelings and thoughts go right out the window...especially if they infringe on the unwritten code that many women seem to not only expect but feel nearly obligated to enforce.

 

If this is about feelings...then what about his feelings? does he not get a so say or an opinion? is he really so restricted that he can't even have banter with his close-friends...that's why you're better off installing a microphone so you can find out everything he says...i mean imagine what else you don't know that could be "violating" you

 

I understand there's an expectation of respect, but he's not blabbing off in public to a random group of people, you essentially violated his private place and conversations and now he's more embarrassed more than anything over that. Just because you barged into that at the "right time" doesn't make you in the right.

 

This sounds so angry, aggressive and defensive to me at the same time. You seem to make a lot of negative generalizations about women (and maybe about men, to). I'm guessing you've either been deeply hurt before and are taking your anger out here, or you've just been raised around a lot of people who didn't know how to truely build a life with someone. I hope you heal from your pain and the hate goes away. It feels much better that way.

[SummerDreams]

I'm just wondering what the advise to the OP would be if she was a husband instead who had read his wife's texts to her girlfriends about an old hook up.

 

I bet most men would tell him that this woman seems to be ready to cheat and that he should leave her asap.

 

Or?....

[Keenly]

Keenly, you seem like a nice guy, so I'm unclear why you'd project this much on the OP's situation. Sometimes what people say about someone, describe in more detail their own fears and insecurities, I suspect this may be true here.

 

I'm just not liking the idea of telling your spouse, man or woman, what they vsn and can't say.

 

 

That's the vibe I'm getting.

[SummerDreams]

I'm just not liking the idea of telling your spouse, man or woman, what they vsn and can't say.

 

 

That's the vibe I'm getting.

 

Well sometimes this is needed. Wouldn't you react if your gf would start talking about your sex life in front of your parents for example? Or would you be that cool then?

 

Couples have the right to ask nicely (not demand) from one another to not say some things in front of other people or to each other cause these things can be embarrassing or hurtful. It's not a bad thing. If you are so intimidated by this fact, I guess you are not ready for a long term and serious relationship.

 

OP I too believe that you chose to take the diplomatic road and not cause a scene but this incident will stay in your mind for a long time. I would not suggest to just act like you've forgotten and forgiven it cause it may come back and hunt you sooner or later. I'd suggest to discuss how hurt and offended you feel with your husband, until you feel you are satisfied with his regret or apology.

[xxoo]

I'm just not liking the idea of telling your spouse, man or woman, what they vsn and can't say.

 

 

That's the vibe I'm getting.

 

It's not about telling them what they can say.

 

It's about hoping that with reflection, they would choose not to say things like that.

[d0nnivain]

I'm just wondering what the advise to the OP would be if she was a husband instead who had read his wife's texts to her girlfriends about an old hook up.

 

I bet most men would tell him that this woman seems to be ready to cheat and that he should leave her asap.

 

Or?....

 

My advice would have been similar but it would not have included the "boys will be boys" excuse. I would still have told the OP (if it was a man) to acknowledge his anger / hurt but simmer down before talking to his wife & possibly making thinks worse by coming at this guns blazing.

 

However as far as language & interaction go, when talking to each other women don't generally talk about ditching their husbands or picking up hot young boys so there are some gender differences which would make this kind of discussion among women more suspicious.

[serial muse]

I'm just not liking the idea of telling your spouse, man or woman, what they vsn and can't say.

 

 

That's the vibe I'm getting.

 

I think there's a world of difference between describing something as inappropriate and putting a virtual lock on someone's mouth. The first is opinion, the second is controlling. It's kind of weird to tell her she shouldn't use a word when your whole point is not to tell people what to say.

[lollipopspot]

It's not about telling them what they can say.

 

It's about hoping that with reflection, they would choose not to say things like that.

 

Agreed. You tell someone the effect of their words/actions and what you might hope, and even what you might do if the situation stays the same, and ultimately they decide what to do with it.

 

I think there's a world of difference between describing something as inappropriate and putting a virtual lock on someone's mouth. The first is opinion, the second is controlling. It's kind of weird to tell her she shouldn't use a word when your whole point is not to tell people what to say.

 

It reminds me of people who judge judgemental people...because it's bad to be judgemental.

[xxoo]

"Respect and gratitude"...your expectations of men are simply unrealistic, women perpetuate this cycle by berating them whenever they do something out of line...you think what you say changes what he said in that text message? you think it somehow changes his mind? do you think it erases the images and memory his head (which he indulges in btw and will for the rest of his life) just out of "respect"? it doesn't work that way sorry...give him a few lashes for basically for that though, even though he thinks and feels a different way.

 

Women have sexual thoughts, too. Sexual thoughts are not threatening to me.

 

Women have fond memories, too. Memories are not threatening to me.

 

Respect and gratitude come with the actions and words you use to represent your marriage and your regard for your partner. I speak of my partner in the highest terms, and expect the same thoughtfulness.

[intricate]

Make sure you put the tape recorder in his back pocket so you can monitor all of his in person conversations too.

 

 

I mean, of the goal is to police what he says to his friends, that seems like the most logical next step.

 

 

I said this before, this will happen in person. These guys interact like this. Sounds like they've all been friends for a long time. Next time they hang out, they might have the exact same conversation. Are you going to constantly worry about what your husband is saying to his friends?

 

I'm glad we live in such freeing times now. You sound like a really nice person and I'll bet that when you accidentally hear/read about the one time your wife was in a college sorority and she sucked an 8 incher from a football player, you will know that it's all in the past and that her little quip about wanting to shoot herself in the head because she can't get another 8 incher to be interested in her anymore won't bother you.

[Emilia]

Respect and gratitude come with the actions and words you use to represent your marriage and your regard for your partner. I speak of my partner in the highest terms, and expect the same thoughtfulness.

Respect and gratitude go out of the window with testosterone. They need to vent, they need to release and sometimes they need to be nasty to get away from the fluffy pampered female world. They don't mean anything by it, they just need to feel like a man sometimes.

[xxoo]

Respect and gratitude go out of the window with testosterone. They need to vent, they need to release and sometimes they need to be nasty to get away from the fluffy pampered female world. They don't mean anything by it, they just need to feel like a man sometimes.

 

I can not understand how that would require disrespecting your wife.

 

Isn't that what motorcycles, beer, sports, and bjs are for?

[Emilia]

I can not understand how that would require disrespecting your wife.

 

Isn't that what motorcycles, beer, sports, and bjs are for?

It's not about disrespecting her. It's about his talking to his mates about certain subjects that he can't broach with anyone else precisely because he doesn't want to disrespect his wife. Likely he doesn't just let loose in a pub with anyone, especially not in front of women.

 

Men like to explore their dark side much more than women do who get scared. I think testosterone sort of makes you face certain aspects of yourself because of the libido, drive and anger it creates. Yes some guys seem to stick with motorcycle/car conversations but there are some that go beyond. It's nothing to with the wife, it's about his being allowed to be a man, talk about the past, deal with his age, his testosterone, etc. She isn't part of it.

 

It's kind of hard to explain I suppose.