Ex girlfriend came back into my life - I want you back

[BC1980]

I think that when a second chance is on the line, intentions need to be made upfront. You can't treat it the same as when you first started dating. His ex has been upfront and said she doesn't love him anymore, so I wouldn't recommend hanging around and trying to get her to fall in love again. If someone truly loves you, it doesn't just go away. You might have issues that need to be addressed, but, if she doesn't even love him, him trying to make the love reappear is a huge gamble.

 

If someone has fallen out of love, that's pretty much it. It's a done deal. Now, if she came back and said she still loved him and wanted to give it another shot, I would say to possibly try.

[movingonnow1]

I think that when a second chance is on the line, intentions need to be made upfront. You can't treat it the same as when you first started dating. His ex has been upfront and said she doesn't love him anymore, so I wouldn't recommend hanging around and trying to get her to fall in love again. If someone truly loves you, it doesn't just go away. You might have issues that need to be addressed, but, if she doesn't even love him, him trying to make the love reappear is a huge gamble.

 

If someone has fallen out of love, that's pretty much it. It's a done deal. Now, if she came back and said she still loved him and wanted to give it another shot, I would say to possibly try.

 

Why would she try to contact me and get back into my life for an entire year then? All the signs show that she loves me.

[Simon Phoenix]

Why would she try to contact me and get back into my life for an entire year then? All the signs show that she loves me.

 

To ease her guilt, to have you as a friend. The signs don't really say a thing -- the moment you answered, she started playing games with you. I mean, at this point you might just need to desperately chase her and get thrown in the muck again for this whole thing to register for you. You said yourself that she's explicitly told you that she doesn't love you multiple times, but now you are moving the goalposts and doing mental gymnastics to try to bend this in your favor. Like I said, you really need to check out lauri's threads -- his situation and yours are exactly the same.

[BC1980]

Why would she try to contact me and get back into my life for an entire year then? All the signs show that she loves me.

 

I thought you said she told you she doesn't love you? I thought I read that in a post.

[Simon Phoenix]

I thought you said she told you she doesn't love you? I thought I read that in a post.

 

He literally said that on the last page. He's all over the place right now.

[leavesonautumn]

Why would she try to contact me and get back into my life for an entire year then? All the signs show that she loves me.

 

Someone can love you but also realize that the relationship isn't meant to be or you aren't compatible. I think the thing with break ups and relationships is that people think we are either "in love" or "out of love". It's never that simple, humans are complex. Our words don't always match our actions so focus on that.

 

Trust your ex when she says she isn't in love with you anymore, don't think of her as a silly little girl who doesn't know what she wants. Don't you want to be with someone who loves you and likes you for you and not for material reasons?

[movingonnow1]

I am all over the place.

 

I feel like a year of NC has been thrown away over this encounter. I'm overcome by guilt that I did what I did to push her away and that I haven't heard from her since.

 

I don't know what the hell is wrong with me and why I am the way I am right now - I just need to know for sure that its done. She came back after a year for a reason and its burning me inside so much that things like this would happen...after 1 year. ONE YEAR.

 

Her reasons for breaking up with me made sense...it was long distance...she probably developed feelings for another guy...but man...I'm just so torn over this whole thing. I feel like if I never left we would have never ended.

[Simon Phoenix]

I am all over the place.

 

I feel like a year of NC has been thrown away over this encounter. I'm overcome by guilt that I did what I did to push her away and that I haven't heard from her since.

 

I don't know what the hell is wrong with me and why I am the way I am right now - I just need to know for sure that its done. She came back after a year for a reason and its burning me inside so much that things like this would happen...after 1 year. ONE YEAR.

 

Her reasons for breaking up with me made sense...it was long distance...she probably developed feelings for another guy...but man...I'm just so torn over this whole thing. I feel like if I never left we would have never ended.

 

Dude, it's been done, for a year. And she broke up with you, it's up to her to go above and beyond the call of duty to get you back. She pestered you, you finally answered, she went into game-playing mode (The "you should text me and ask how I'm doing" thing is one of the most selfish, pigheaded things a dumper has sent a dumpee) and withdrew. She didn't withdraw because you were "mean"; she withdrew because she got her fix and her ego boost.

 

I mean, your self-esteem and self-worth seem like they were dumped in a toilet. You are basically doing mental gymnastics and changing your narrative on a constant basis. Even if you were to go back after her, there's no way you could handle the ups and downs right now. You need to go back to NC (and actually cut off her avenues of communication to you this time) and get your head straight. Not to punish her, but to get you back to a place of relative sanity. And who knows, she might actually pursue you for real if you do this. Anyone can send feeler text messages -- hell, I've done that and I had absolutely no desire to get back with girls I did that too (at least, not permanently). Your situation isn't unique unfortunately and the fact that she specifically told you that she's not in love with you is something you need to take seriously. She likes you as a person, that doesn't mean she's looking to reconcile.

 

Right now you can't handle being her friend. You can't handle the ups and downs of pursuit. Realize that and accept it. And if she doesn't realize that she's the one that needs to make the effort (beyond the occasional text or phone call) to GET YOU BACK, then she's not worthy of you in the first place.

 

I mean, I don't know dude. I think where you really messed up wasn't by answering when you answered. It wasn't by being skeptical. It was, for an entire year, allowing yourself to be tortured by her breadcrumbs (even if you didn't answer at the time) because you refused to block her. Even if you didn't answer, every time she'd randomly reach out it retarded your progress. Which is why you are in the downward crazy spiral you're in now.

[lauri]

Dude, it's been done, for a year. And she broke up with you, it's up to her to go above and beyond the call of duty to get you back. She pestered you, you finally answered, she went into game-playing mode (The "you should text me and ask how I'm doing" thing is one of the most selfish, pigheaded things a dumper has sent a dumpee) and withdrew. She didn't withdraw because you were "mean"; she withdrew because she got her fix and her ego boost.

 

I mean, your self-esteem and self-worth seem like they were dumped in a toilet. You are basically doing mental gymnastics and changing your narrative on a constant basis. Even if you were to go back after her, there's no way you could handle the ups and downs right now. You need to go back to NC (and actually cut off her avenues of communication to you this time) and get your head straight. Not to punish her, but to get you back to a place of relative sanity. And who knows, she might actually pursue you for real if you do this. Anyone can send feeler text messages -- hell, I've done that and I had absolutely no desire to get back with girls I did that too (at least, not permanently). Your situation isn't unique unfortunately and the fact that she specifically told you that she's not in love with you is something you need to take seriously. She likes you as a person, that doesn't mean she's looking to reconcile.

 

Right now you can't handle being her friend. You can't handle the ups and downs of pursuit. Realize that and accept it. And if she doesn't realize that she's the one that needs to make the effort (beyond the occasional text or phone call) to GET YOU BACK, then she's not worthy of you in the first place.

 

I mean, I don't know dude. I think where you really messed up wasn't by answering when you answered. It wasn't by being skeptical. It was, for an entire year, allowing yourself to be tortured by her breadcrumbs (even if you didn't answer at the time) because you refused to block her. Even if you didn't answer, every time she'd randomly reach out it retarded your progress. Which is why you are in the downward crazy spiral you're in now.

 

Agreed!!!!!

 

Seriously man, no girl is going to want to be in a relationship with you while you're like this. You need to dust yourself off and move forward. That is what I did - I'm not looking back. You gotta stop thinking of all these different scenario's...she may not love you and that's OKAY. You spent an entire year WITHOUT her anyways, so why do you care? Its been over for a year. It's finito.

 

Yeah it sucks, yeah it feels like a second rejection, believe me I get it. I'm proud of you for doing a whole year of NC and moving forward. The only person who can make things better / improve is yourself - its up to you to do it. You didn't do anything wrong - believe me, I've been in your shoes and have gone through things that happen so quickly you don't even understand why. Who cares about the why anymore, just realize / accept that you're going through some moments right now that shouldn't even phase you anymore. Its time to let this go forever and find someone who'll treat you with more respect.

 

Did she care about your feelings when things ended a year ago? No. So stop caring about hers - remember what she did to you. Considering you're Italian, remember - Sorridi anche se sei triste, perché non c'é niente di più triste di non saper sorridere.

Edited October 22, 2014 by lauri

[movingonnow1]

You all made amazing points. Actually now I'm feeling a lot better as I have a high from her contacting me again. This time she went on to say "I don't know why you were rude to me and backed off..but I just wanted you to know I want you back and if you're willing to take things slow and see where things go...then I'll be here."

 

I haven't responded.

[leavesonautumn]

You all made amazing points. Actually now I'm feeling a lot better as I have a high from her contacting me again. This time she went on to say "I don't know why you were rude to me and backed off..but I just wanted you to know I want you back and if you're willing to take things slow and see where things go...then I'll be here."

 

I haven't responded.

 

Ahh yes, I know that high feeling. You become addicted to it in a way, always waiting for it but I realized it wasn't from happiness or excitement. It was nerves and feeling anxious. Not feelings we want to have.

 

Good, don't respond! She's literally putting the ball in your court and if she wanted to be with you she'd be doing anything it takes. She knows exactly why you were "rude to her", she's just trying to move the guilt she feels onto you.

[H245]

I feel your pain. For me, it is fresher, but I can relate. 5 months post BU and my ex is on her second bf. In between the guys when she was just "dating" the second guy, we ended up reconnecting and talking. Flirted, hung out, but nothing sexual happened. She would send me pictures of her puppy. Send me pictures of sad songs she was listening to on Pandora (John Legend - All Of Me was the big one). This all happened for about a week until we finally sat down and talked about what the hell we were doing.

 

I ended up getting the love you, but not in love with you bit. But she still wanted me in her life as a friend. I ended up telling her that I couldn't be her friend. She was looking at me as the shoulder to cry on while she was building a foundation with another man so that she wouldn't scare him off. She also looked to be wanting to hang out with mutual friends again without it being awkward. Either way, I have not heard from her since then as well. Basically she was testing the waters to see if I was still on the hook and she left.

 

IMO, I would stay away from her. This woman has stated that she is not in love with you. She wants to take things slow and see where it goes? You both already have history together. She's the one that would have needed to put forth the effort to be with you, not you. She has disappeared from your life just as quickly as she entered it after a year of NC. And if that's how she is, who's to say she wouldn't walk away from you again shortly after you and her had gotten back together?

 

Stay strong!

[lauri]

You all made amazing points. Actually now I'm feeling a lot better as I have a high from her contacting me again. This time she went on to say "I don't know why you were rude to me and backed off..but I just wanted you to know I want you back and if you're willing to take things slow and see where things go...then I'll be here."

 

I haven't responded.

 

Good for you for not responding. She has to realize you aren't going to bend over backwards to get her back into your life and you are indifferent if things happen or they don't.

 

I feel for you, I really really do. I know exactly how you are feeling...the only different is that I backed off completely. Its a good relief for you to see that what you said didn't "ruin your chance"...but at the same time with her saying she isn't in love with you is more than enough of a sign to see that there is no point of continuing on with this one.

 

I know its veryyyy confusing because it was long distance. How do they really know if they love you or they don't have a year of being apart? Its difficult...so in a way, I see why she was saying the things she is saying...but however, I think her reasons for coming back have to do with her falling out with a guy and things didn't work out how she expected it too..its up to you in the end if you want her in your life, but for now, its best to stay away from her and let things be. You're in no state to be talking to her.

[movingonnow1]

I don't understand why she is contacting me acting all interested in me...this girl is all over the place. She is saying she misses me, wants to see me and that she changed her hair to my favourite colour on her. Also went on to say that her mom is asking to see me because she misses me and wants me to come over...I still haven't responded.

[BC1980]

I don't understand why she is contacting me acting all interested in me...this girl is all over the place. She is saying she misses me, wants to see me and that she changed her hair to my favourite colour on her. Also went on to say that her mom is asking to see me because she misses me and wants me to come over...I still haven't responded.

 

I think it's ego and games. She says she doesn't love you but wants you back. But she says she wants to "take it slowly," which is code for string you along until something better comes along. Don't fall for the "take is slowly" trick. I've seen that trick numerous times on LS.

[Simon Phoenix]

I don't understand why she is contacting me acting all interested in me...this girl is all over the place. She is saying she misses me, wants to see me and that she changed her hair to my favourite colour on her. Also went on to say that her mom is asking to see me because she misses me and wants me to come over...I still haven't responded.

 

Block, block, block, block, block. Either that or just bite the bullet (preferably block). I really don't get why you keep letting these messages get through if you aren't going to answer them. Makes no sense.

[SoThatHappened]

I really don't get why you keep letting these messages get through if you aren't going to answer them.

I do, as I've been guilty of the same thing.

 

An ex contacting you makes you feel all warm and fuzzy that they're at least thinking about you.

 

If you block, it means you're completely shutting that person out of your life forever. It's tough to do that, even if it's the right thing to do.

 

movingon, I strongly suggest blocking her. If she truly wants you back, she'll knock down your door. All these messages do is keep you in limbo and prevent you from closing that chapter of your life.

[movingonnow1]

I'm afraid that many of you may be right.

 

I met up with her yesterday for the first time since I last saw her (3 weeks later and I wasn't responding to her)...I was doing fine for most of the night, we were joking, no serious talk and kissing...until the end before I dropped her off. The conversation regarding "other guy" came up. I'm going to admit, I stalked her Facebook and saw that this guy is no "longer" her friend on Facebook and things have ended, but also that things ended really recent, around the time she wanted tried getting me back in her life, which is much sooner then what she told me that did as there was photos of them together.

 

I confronted her telling her I think shes lying about how things happened, when it ended and that she is giving me half the truth. I realize...that I'm driving her interest level down...and that I'm messing up here...but I just don't know whats wrong with me. She went on to say that "I"m being offensive for calling her a liar" and she told me that she did end up liking this guy a lot, and he liked her a lot, but they had no future together and nothing happened.

 

What makes no sense to me is she went on to say that "he cried" when she told him they can't talk anymore because there is no potential future between them (due to cultural reasons / family not accepting him/her). It makes no sense because for someone that "nothing" happened between them it really seemed to have hit that guy hard.

 

She kept saying she wants to forget the past as it doesn't matter, he doesn't matter because they could never be together and she wants to make things happen between us. She said she wants us to work things out and that she knows that she can't find anyone better then me...she said that the time apart is what made her learn about that. She became really down after this conversation and started to back off completely and didn't really seem as happy to be around me anymore.

 

I don't know guys...is this a flag that this happened between our break up or am I over thinking things?

Edited October 28, 2014 by movingonnow1

[SoThatHappened]

She's all over the place.

 

She's also lying, and proving she's lying by getting defensive and projecting blame on to you.

 

She cheated on you. Now she's either completely messed up emotionally, or just being manipulative. Either way, I'd let it go.

 

You're both still a mess. Do you think getting back together is going to be any different than it was last time? Neither of you has changed, and rekindling the relationship with trust issues isn't a good idea.

[Simon Phoenix]

Dude, you are continuing to shoot yourself in the foot because you are having interaction you aren't capable of having. You aren't capable of this and neither is she.

[movingonnow1]

She's all over the place.

 

She's also lying, and proving she's lying by getting defensive and projecting blame on to you.

 

She cheated on you. Now she's either completely messed up emotionally, or just being manipulative. Either way, I'd let it go.

 

You're both still a mess. Do you think getting back together is going to be any different than it was last time? Neither of you has changed, and rekindling the relationship with trust issues isn't a good idea.

 

I wouldn't go as far to say she cheated on me, but the guy came in after we broke up. However, she was saying "they weren't together". It was just two people who liked each other and couldn't be together.

 

I don't think its going to be any different. I know I shouldn't care but I do about my situation with her...

 

Simon Phoenix, I think you're right and I gotta back off completely. If it's meant to be, it will be.

[Simon Phoenix]

I wouldn't go as far to say she cheated on me, but the guy came in after we broke up. However, she was saying "they weren't together". It was just two people who liked each other and couldn't be together.

 

I don't think its going to be any different. I know I shouldn't care but I do about my situation with her...

 

Simon Phoenix, I think you're right and I gotta back off completely. If it's meant to be, it will be.

 

Yeah, it's ok to admit that you aren't ready to do something. That's a greater show of maturity and strength then clumsily forging forward out of fear and anxiety. And I'm not sure she is ready to do what she needs to do either. Some time for reflection and personal growth for both parties would be good. She seems like she's vine-swinging a bit.

[lauri]

Reading this makes me glad I didn't continue talking to my ex after she started flip flopping on me.

 

You two are all over the place and need to take a step back. Nothing good is going to come out of this, I can promise you.

[movingonnow1]

Yeah, it's ok to admit that you aren't ready to do something. That's a greater show of maturity and strength then clumsily forging forward out of fear and anxiety. And I'm not sure she is ready to do what she needs to do either. Some time for reflection and personal growth for both parties would be good. She seems like she's vine-swinging a bit.

 

That's a good point....I'm having a lot of difficulty with this as I keep thinking its my fault. She thinks I "stalked" her because I heard through a friend about another dude a few months back before she came back. I really am starting to think its impossible to regain someones love with you.

[Diezel]

She kept saying she wants to forget the past as it doesn't matter, he doesn't matter because they could never be together and she wants to make things happen between us. She said she wants us to work things out and that she knows that she can't find anyone better then me...she said that the time apart is what made her learn about that. She became really down after this conversation and started to back off completely and didn't really seem as happy to be around me anymore.

 

I don't know guys...is this a flag that this happened between our break up or am I over thinking things?

 

You know what, I am GLAD this happened. Because maybe now she'll leave you alone.

 

Can you even see how selfish she is? She CONVENIENTLY wants you to forget the past "as it doesn't matter". When she says that, what she really means is "Forget MY past, that part doesn't matter." So it doesn't matter because they could never be together?

 

If it bothers YOU, IT MATTERS.

 

And obviously, it bothers you.

 

Ditch this girl, COMPLETELY. She is TOXIC for you at this point. I really hope you made her interest level plummet, I sincerely do. Her "time apart" didn't teach her JACK. She simply has no other branch to swing to right now she is swinging back to you. It's a matter of days before she starts trolling OLD and finding someone else to start off with...

 

MOVE ON.