Author lucy colette Posted October 4, 2014 Author Share Posted October 4, 2014 edit - rewrote this to clarify, but loveshack won't let me post it yet You need to figure out what kind of life you want. Two people can love each other, but still decide that circumstances make them incompatible. You two are incompatible - he can't get over it and you can't turn back time. Stop torturing each other and end it. sigh. this was sobering. i haven't internalized that yet - the hopeless romantic in me likes to think that all you need is love - but i know this isn't true. at least if you want a peaceful life, but i am a passionate intense person and so is he. i am reluctant to do this, but guess i should add [this story is about to get more and more insane, no pun intended ... get ready for a popcorn feast, mr nate ; ]] he's also schizophrenic. schizoaffective w a personality disorder. having met him, my therapist said that he could have a personality disorder with psychotic elements, and that this disorder is often misdiagnosed. i agree this seems more likely - he's had two episodes [really bad ones], and they he saaays were drug induced (ten years ago] ive been diagnosed w bpd [not sure if its accurate] but therapy, specially dbt has helped me so much. i've been in the hospital twice, he's been in it 3 times. i've been through a lot of pain emotionally, and so has he. i'm not sure any sane person would want to be with either of us, ha. the symptoms can be regulated even tho personality disorders are incurable. meeting him, interacting with him socially, you would NEVER know. he is very socially skilled, logical and charming. shizophrenia is episodical, so someone can seem / be normal when they're not in a psychosis, as far as i can understand, but he does have echos. he is very sensitive, excitable, intense w his work [hyperfocused] and he sometimes paranoid. also, apparently devout christianity is a common element of schizophrenia, which makes sense. regardless, his personality disorder is much more transparent. however, this is one of the reasons i love him so much. he is the strongest person i know. he learned to separate his hallucinations from reality - he identifies them, recognizes they are unreal, and sits through the, reads the bible. its a miracle - his friends have said that knowing him, seeing his progress, has made them believe in god. i'm not religious, but he told me once that when bad thoughts seep into my mind, i should say to them 'step behind me satan. this has actually worked for me more than any other therapy technique. the other night he said i figured my schizophrenia out, i can figure this out. i like to believe people can change. Link to post Share on other sites
Author lucy colette Posted October 4, 2014 Author Share Posted October 4, 2014 have you really heard of that? hm. Link to post Share on other sites
Adele0908 Posted October 4, 2014 Share Posted October 4, 2014 This is NOT something I am in the habit of doing - I have slept with 7 people 5 in relationships and 2 outside of them. Also, I was drunk and on several psychiatric medications because I had been very depressed (lexapro, xanax, etc. I am not saying this to absolve responsibility, but to explain the situation. I can hardly remember it at all, but he doesnt believe me. It has come to the point every time he asks a question, my heart sinks. I feel like a part of me dies. It is tormenting me as much as it is tormenting him. I feel like he thinks I'm a slut. . To me it comes off like you have to justify your sexual history with an explanation of how you only slept with 7 people, or how you were drunk and on psych meds. then you are afraid he thinks you're a slut, which implies that you believe that "sluts" actually exist. If you fear being labeled a slut then yes, that is slut-shaming yourself. You slept with his friend before you dated him, so effing what! You can't make him get over it, so start with forgiving yourself. You were a woman living life and having fun. It's no big deal!! But if you like to obsess over things then this will go over your head anyway. Link to post Share on other sites
The Like Fairy Posted October 4, 2014 Share Posted October 4, 2014 my therapist said it is almost emotional abuse, and he admitted that this has occurred to the point where it was almost abusive in the past. I'm at a loss. Do I need to break up with him? Yes, you need to break up with him and move on. He won't get over this any time soon, he's not wired that way. Life is short. Break up, no contact, move on. Free yourself. This does constitute emotional abuse. This is not about you, this is all about him and his insecurities. And you can't fix that for him. His insecurities started in his childhood and may last a lifetime for him. Get out while you can. All the best to you! Link to post Share on other sites
gaius Posted October 4, 2014 Share Posted October 4, 2014 have you really heard of that? hm. Yeah, check out A Beautiful Mind with Russell Crowe if you haven't seen it before. Adele, it's a different ballgame when it's a friend vs some guy you've never met before. There's a huge social component attached to attraction. Link to post Share on other sites
Author lucy colette Posted October 4, 2014 Author Share Posted October 4, 2014 Yeah, check out A Beautiful Mind with Russell Crowe if you haven't seen it before. Adele, it's a different ballgame when it's a friend vs some guy you've never met before. There's a huge social component attached to attraction. i have seen it a long time ago. from what i remmebr he does remind me of his. his breaks had to do with the coloir red, hes good with numbers and patterns, 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Author lucy colette Posted October 4, 2014 Author Share Posted October 4, 2014 To me it comes off like you have to justify your sexual history with an explanation of how you only slept with 7 people, or how you were drunk and on psych meds. then you are afraid he thinks you're a slut, which implies that you believe that "sluts" actually exist. If you fear being labeled a slut then yes, that is slut-shaming yourself. You slept with his friend before you dated him, so effing what! You can't make him get over it, so start with forgiving yourself. You were a woman living life and having fun. It's no big deal!! But if you like to obsess over things then this will go over your head anyway. ican see it coming off this way. i was giving context, and yes i was slut shaming myself in the moment because of how he had been treating me, but ive never shamed anyone else. im harder on myself than other people, and i have done things sexually that i regret, sort of shaming myself for doing something i didnt want to do, or rather something gross. i have moments where i shiver thinking of people i hooked up with. again, i have a past of sexual trauma. so its complicated. i was worried that he thought im a slut bc he might believe it. this worreid me on several accounts - made me feel ashamed, question myself, and worried me that he might believe in sluts. he doesnt, btw. Link to post Share on other sites
quidproquo89 Posted October 4, 2014 Share Posted October 4, 2014 (edited) am I the only on thinking that your boyfriend needs to grow the **** up and get some ****ing balls. This is winding me up just reading this ****. I and many others on this forum have dealt with much worse and are moving on. This twat is being a childish abusive little prick. Tell him to sort himself out or you'll walk. I just wana knock this guy out! Sorry, really dont like this sort of guy Also you are with him not his mate - therefore in the most egotistiocal sense - he has won because he is with you and his mate is long gone. Seriously stand up for yourself and don't take his **** Edited October 4, 2014 by quidproquo89 adding more Link to post Share on other sites
MrNate 2.0 Posted October 4, 2014 Share Posted October 4, 2014 edit - rewrote this to clarify, but loveshack won't let me post it yet sigh. this was sobering. i haven't internalized that yet - the hopeless romantic in me likes to think that all you need is love - but i know this isn't true. at least if you want a peaceful life, but i am a passionate intense person and so is he. i am reluctant to do this, but guess i should add [this story is about to get more and more insane, no pun intended ... get ready for a popcorn feast, mr nate ; ]] he's also schizophrenic. schizoaffective w a personality disorder. having met him, my therapist said that he could have a personality disorder with psychotic elements, and that this disorder is often misdiagnosed. i agree this seems more likely - he's had two episodes [really bad ones], and they he saaays were drug induced (ten years ago] Oh it's delivering. when bad thoughts seep into my mind, i should say to them 'step behind me satan. this has actually worked for me more than any other therapy technique. I try something similar when I see a fine woman walk by. So far no luck. 2 Link to post Share on other sites
MrNate 2.0 Posted October 4, 2014 Share Posted October 4, 2014 I will say though this situation is understandable to a degree, this dude seems to be struggling in a lot of places. I know being broke and not able to support your self can be one of the most damaging things to a man's self esteem. Couple that with this other issue, and you have a recipe for chaos. Yo, babe. I think this man needs a different form of therapy. He needs to be able to start supporting himself and gain some financial independence. Naturally his self worth and security in himself will soar also. Which also means him slowly getting off your back. And you two going back to ****ing like rabbits. From man to man (him not you lol) , this is the solution he needs. Let's start there first. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
smackie9 Posted October 4, 2014 Share Posted October 4, 2014 Now that the cat is out of the bag, as long as you stay with him, you will have constant struggles...forever. The reality is, after the honeymoon stage of your relationship is over, you and maybe him, might find yourselves rethinking this. Link to post Share on other sites
Adele0908 Posted October 4, 2014 Share Posted October 4, 2014 ican see it coming off this way. i was giving context, and yes i was slut shaming myself in the moment because of how he had been treating me, but ive never shamed anyone else. im harder on myself than other people, and i have done things sexually that i regret, sort of shaming myself for doing something i didnt want to do, or rather something gross. i have moments where i shiver thinking of people i hooked up with. again, i have a past of sexual trauma. so its complicated. i was worried that he thought im a slut bc he might believe it. this worreid me on several accounts - made me feel ashamed, question myself, and worried me that he might believe in sluts. he doesnt, btw. Have you ever gotten counseling for the sexual trauma? Many cities have at least one free women's center that offers counseling and other services. Why do you regret stuff you've done? You can't change it. It doesn't make you any less than the fabulous woman you are today. It's normal to experiment sexually in our youth. When you get old you might even wish you had more fun! I'm telling you, instead of worrying about his point of view, the best thing you could do now is free yourself of the whole "slut" paradigm. Nobody is a slut. People can do what they want sexually as long as it doesn't hurt anyone. Link to post Share on other sites
Author lucy colette Posted October 5, 2014 Author Share Posted October 5, 2014 so, the drama ensues. his friend out of the blue sent him this godawful email forwarding a thing written on criagslist called 'just ****ing **** me already.' really crude stuff supposedly written by a woman... i'm starting to wonder if he's trying to sabotage us. my bf jut put up a picture of me and him and they are still facebook friends. why would he send this out of the blue when they haven't spoken / my bf hasn't responded to him in so long? its so creepy. i dont understand what his motivations would be but.... he's on his way over here. if he's upset he kinda has a free pass on this one. wish me luck. Link to post Share on other sites
NJ123 Posted October 5, 2014 Share Posted October 5, 2014 am I the only on thinking that your boyfriend needs to grow the **** up and get some ****ing balls. This is winding me up just reading this ****. I and many others on this forum have dealt with much worse and are moving on. This twat is being a childish abusive little prick. Tell him to sort himself out or you'll walk. I just wana knock this guy out! Sorry, really dont like this sort of guy Also you are with him not his mate - therefore in the most egotistiocal sense - he has won because he is with you and his mate is long gone. Seriously stand up for yourself and don't take his **** Dude, the guy has schizophrenia. Why would you want to hurt the guy? Link to post Share on other sites
disneyfan90 Posted October 6, 2014 Share Posted October 6, 2014 I know it will be very hard, especially since you say the rest of your relationship is perfect, but seriously I think you should break up with him. If he has such a big problem with something like this, what will it be next time? Yes I know that most guys would not be happy to hear that their gf slept with their best friend years ago, but most get over it at some point. It doesn't seem like he ever will, and even if he does, what's next? Is he going to go on and on about some other guy in your life? I just think it'll be a never-ending cycle. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Author lucy colette Posted October 6, 2014 Author Share Posted October 6, 2014 gave him too much credit. Apparently his friend sent hum that disgusting rmsil years ago he just decided to send it to me now for whatever reason. "Having a hard day." He's said before that after this it will probably be the guy who sexually assaulted me. Cool, as if I need more trauma around that. Idk about this... Link to post Share on other sites
Raena Posted October 6, 2014 Share Posted October 6, 2014 How does he get a free pass because of some stupid email his friend sent to him? Can you elaborate? I'm with the others who say he really needs to get over this. He knew it when he started dating you, it's not like you dropped this on him after the fact. Link to post Share on other sites
AlexanderJames Posted October 6, 2014 Share Posted October 6, 2014 Not hijacking your thread there is a point to this. I've been in his shoes. I had liked a girl for ages and had met her through my best mate. He had known I liked her for a while and set up a group outing for us. Anyway we hit it off and started dating. 6 months in and my best mate tells me that the weekend before setting me up with the girl of dreams (at the time) they had been drunk and got together. He had been with his then and current partner for 3 years. I walked away from my mate without as much as a word and went and saw my gf. After a difficult conversation I decided to let it slide and see how we went. The following weeks I was very similar to your bf. Short tempered and often quick to bring up the fact she had been with my best friend. Seeing that it wasn't improving I decided to leave her. I forgave my friend of many years but couldn't forgive her. It didn't feel right knowing about her being with someone who was like a brother to me. That was 3 years ago, we rarely talk anymore (her and I) and part of me wishes that I never left her. But I walk my road. Maybe your bf really wants it to work. I mean, why would someone who feels so much anger and negativity at times and finds things so frequently difficult stay if he didn't love you? It sounds to me like he is trying, couples therapy is a big step and not something someone would really put time and money into for no reason. I think you guys need to sit down and put everything on the table. Tell each other where you are, how you feel, your hapinesses and the things making you unhappy. Be 100% brutally honest with each other about everything. Ask him if he wants this to work, because it can. Ask yourself if YOU want it to work, because it can. If you both agree then talk about how you are going to get there. Identify things you both do that could pose as obstacles and put things in place to overcome them. If you still can't make it work maybe it is time to move on. Good luck. Link to post Share on other sites
Cristo Posted October 6, 2014 Share Posted October 6, 2014 He's pretty messed up if he asked you out in the first place knowing his friend basically pumped and dumped you. I don't know about the slut thing, but guys in the same social circle can be really weird like that. Seriously dating a woman another guy did that to is basically admitting you're inferior to him, and secure or not that's pretty unappealing to just about every guy on the planet. It's not fixable. True. If it were me, I wouldn't ask you out in the first place. In the past (when I was more into this sort of them), I may have started a sexual relationship with you. Despite the popular female opinion in this thread, I don't think that he is out of line for thinking the way he does. As I said, he probably should have just not asked you out in the first place. I would say the fact that he asked you out and does not have any better options speaks more to his insecurities than anything else he is doing. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Adele0908 Posted October 6, 2014 Share Posted October 6, 2014 Yeah, check out A Beautiful Mind with Russell Crowe if you haven't seen it before. Adele, it's a different ballgame when it's a friend vs some guy you've never met before. There's a huge social component attached to attraction. Yes, I've been told this before. But I've been in this situation before and it worked out for me. I tend to go out with very strong men. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Cristo Posted October 6, 2014 Share Posted October 6, 2014 Yes, I've been told this before. But I've been in this situation before and it worked out for me. I tend to go out with very strong men. If those "strong men" are okay with you sleeping around with his friends before settling down with him, then good for them. I'll be the "weak man" on this one. Link to post Share on other sites
evanescentworld Posted October 6, 2014 Share Posted October 6, 2014 gave him too much credit. Apparently his friend sent hum that disgusting rmsil years ago he just decided to send it to me now for whatever reason. "Having a hard day." He's said before that after this it will probably be the guy who sexually assaulted me. Cool, as if I need more trauma around that. Idk about this... Then end this now, before it happens. For goodness' sake, that's him telling you "I am not done yet, torturing you, there's plenty more where that came from. But of course I still love you, you mean everything to me, I would be devastated if we broke up... " ...and this is your definition of a "strong man"...?! I think you seriously need to revise your perceptions.... 1 Link to post Share on other sites
ascendotum Posted October 6, 2014 Share Posted October 6, 2014 True. If it were me, I wouldn't ask you out in the first place. In the past (when I was more into this sort of them), I may have started a sexual relationship with you. Despite the popular female opinion in this thread, I don't think that he is out of line for thinking the way he does. As I said, he probably should have just not asked you out in the first place. I would say the fact that he asked you out and does not have any better options speaks more to his insecurities than anything else he is doing. The women have it wrong if they think its just this guy who is insecure over this or if it wasn't this cheating artist mate of his it would be some other guy he would be upset over. Being with a women that has slept with other guy's in your social circle is a different story. Other factors will impact on this. Was the guy a cool decent guy friend or is he a sleazy bit of a jerk player. Was it nsa or a relationship. Does the friend view women he sleeps with with respect or does he see them as just another 'dumb cumdumpster'. I've lost a certain level of respect for some women I've liked who have slept with douchebag guys (I'm not talking the wolf in sheep's clothing ones) or women who are happy to be 'bits on the side' for married men. In this case I doubt the bf thinks the OP is a slut (very modest numbers imo) but he would be disappointed she got on her knees for his married womanizer mate. Plenty of women do it but guy's like to think their gf is a bit more special. For me booze & meds doesn't change things that much as I find plenty of effected women still selectively end up being notches for players. I don't think the OP has anything to feel guilty about, and this issue should have been dealt with by her bf by now. I expect he really loves her and hoped the incident with his friend could be overcome but obviously its not and his other self esteem /mental health issues are probably aggravating his ability. OP is being understanding which is good but she needs to draw a line in the sand. If the bf never had anything to do with this other friend anymore it would help too. I've known guys who have got with the ex gfs of other friends but they were not good close mates + it was a former gf and not a former f-buddy + they distanced themselves from the social circles in which they would meet anymore. Link to post Share on other sites
SawtoothMars Posted October 6, 2014 Share Posted October 6, 2014 (edited) Umm... My policy is only 1 crazy person allowed per relationship. I think you are way over the currently allowed limit. He is projecting his fears and inadequacy into one of your sexual exploits. You are not someone who has the power to help him. You are barely helping yourself. Oh... I should also add that sometimes women who are bad in bed can create fears and anxieties within their BF's. Most guys just blame themselves and start feeling insecure. Especially if they lack experience. The first time you sleep with a woman that makes you feel like a necrophiliac... you will understand this. Edited October 6, 2014 by SawtoothMars Link to post Share on other sites
Adele0908 Posted October 6, 2014 Share Posted October 6, 2014 If those "strong men" are okay with you sleeping around with his friends before settling down with him, then good for them. I'll be the "weak man" on this one. I couldn't care less what you think. Link to post Share on other sites
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