boyfriend can't get over me sleeping with his friend 3 years ago, heart broken

[stillafool]

OP, did you ask your bf why in the hell did he ask you out in the first place knowing you had been with his friend? Why now does he have a problem with it?

[mightycpa]

OP, did you ask your bf why in the hell did he ask you out in the first place knowing you had been with his friend? Why now does he have a problem with it?

 

That was pretty irresponsible of him, wasn't it? Maybe he figured he could get laid, and then he liked it, and the next thing you know, emotions sucked him in. Apparently he could live with it for a while.

 

I agree 100% with this question. He should articulate his thought process for us all to pick apart for you.

[lucy colette]

once again on my way to work, so many points to address but i've had so little time the past couple of days. i appreciate everyone's input and am sorry that i haven't been able to respond directly. i will as soon as possible. thank you.

 

last night was bad. we are both struggling financially. he came home in a great mood because he had submitted some of his art to a publication, was feeling better, but i had to go out with my friend who i am dog sitting for this weekend and she wanted me to stay out. i came home drunk, and i usually don't really drink at all anymore.

 

i came home, tried to be light hearted, was so relieved he was in a good mood earlier. i think he was upset that i had been out so much longer than i said i would be, especially because i have been distant. we were cuddling etc but he wouldnt really kiss me, and hasn't since monday which is VERY hard for me because to me intimacy is important. i was so disappointed because things seemed better earlier, he was being super flirty.

 

i said why are you doing this to me right now. he said it was the same issue. i said i can't be treated like this, like a subhuman, like i'm not even your partner. he said he knew and to please forgive him, he knows its not my fault and he knows hes not being rational, that he has a mental illness and he is trying to get over it, really wants to. said it was especially hard for him because hes at rock bottom financially, hates his new job, his friend who is friends w the guy works there [cry me a rio] he admitted again that he is jealous, that i am the best girl he's ever met, that he just HATEs the thought of his friend touching me.

 

anyway, i started sobbing. he got upset i was so upset, kept telling me how much he loved me. i couldn't say it back for the first time ever. i don't think he realized HOW much he is hurting me before. he said the last thing he wanted to do was watch me cry about this. i asked him what we should do. he said he didn't know. i tried to break up with him several times.

 

part of me is glad that i actually cried in front of him, that he actually saw how much it is hurting me. but that's not going to make it better. i wish i hadn't been drunk, had handled the situation better. i'm not ready to break up with him yet, and i feel awful that i said that.

 

this morning was better, but we were both exhausted. one of the wost things for me is that he can't be intimate. i i can't take it much longer. it makes me feel so unwanted - our relationship started out super sexual, we coudlnt' take our hands off of each other. when we are intimate, its still great, and rationally i know its because of this problem but i still feel rejected. i can't get myself to initiate because i never know how he's going to react. this is my issue too.

 

he's living with me technically, not vice versa. i would have to kick him out. i guess its good neither of us will be home this weekend [dog sitting seperately, weird i know]. at this point he doesn't feel like a boyfriend.

 

[evanescentworld]

.....

i said why are you doing this to me right now. he said it was the same issue. i said i can't be treated like this, like a subhuman, like i'm not even your partner. he said he knew and to please forgive him, he knows its not my fault and he knows hes not being rational, that he has a mental illness and he is trying to get over it, really wants to. said it was especially hard for him because hes at rock bottom financially, hates his new job, his friend who is friends w the guy works there [cry me a rio] he admitted again that he is jealous, that i am the best girl he's ever met, that he just HATEs the thought of his friend touching me.

This - this is classic projection.

It's always the 'fault' of something else. It's always an outside factor. it's always an excuse. But it's never, never (by the sound of it) "This is MY problem, I HAVE to deal with it, and I WILL stop burdening you with my complete inability to move on, process the issue and not make you feel like gutter-trash." He always seems to cite reasons for his attitude, from bad times financially, to mental illness. They are not the problem. They have nothing to do with his blinkered view. They are mere side-roads he chooses to divert into as stonewalling what the real problem is. He's a jerk.

I'm sorry, that was really rude. But right now, I feel like coming round your place, packing his stuff in black bags and depositing them on the porch with a label "Not required on remainder of Voyage" ....!

 

 

anyway, i started sobbing. he got upset i was so upset, kept telling me how much he loved me. i couldn't say it back for the first time ever. i don't think he realized HOW much he is hurting me before. he said the last thing he wanted to do was watch me cry about this. i asked him what we should do. he said he didn't know. i tried to break up with him several times.

He doesn't want to see you cry, because it shows him up for the unreasonable, irrational fool he's being.

He DOES know what he needs to do. But doing it sounds just too much like hard work, and I think he kind of enjoys the drama of how this affects the relationship. Up to now, it has given him a sense of power. Now that he has seen just how devastating this has been for you, facing his demons is the last thing he really wnats to do. Because it means owning it.

 

 

..... i'm not ready to break up with him yet, and i feel awful that i said that.

Well, given the way this thread has progressed, many will understand you, but few will agree with you....

 

...... one of the wost things for me is that he can't be intimate. i i can't take it much longer. it makes me feel so unwanted - our relationship started out super sexual, we coudlnt' take our hands off of each other. when we are intimate, its still great, and rationally i know its because of this problem but i still feel rejected. i can't get myself to initiate because i never know how he's going to react. this is my issue too.

No. It. Isn't. THis is an issue that has been imposed on you and now affects your intimacy and your view/opinion of him.

You respect him far less than you used to. How can anyone give themselves freely when the person they're being intimate with shows no respect and merits none themselves??

 

he's living with me technically, not vice versa. i would have to kick him out.

Barring booking the ticket, getting to the airport, and the transatlantic flight time, I'll be there to help in ten minutes....

 

i guess its good neither of us will be home this weekend [dog sitting seperately, weird i know]. at this point he doesn't feel like a boyfriend.

He's never deserved to be your BF at all. And it IS a good thing you're not home this weekend.

It would be even better if he could no longer call it home at all.

To let someone of his calibre over your threshold.... well.....

[Redhead14]

If he cannot leave the past in the past and see you for who you are now and that you are remorseful, then the relationship will never heal to a healthy point.

 

You made a mistake, he wanted you to stay with him, the fact that he's behaving the way he is, is likely not because he forgave you (because he clearly hasn't) or that he's still in love with you, it's because he wants you to suffer for what you did. He may not realize this consciously, but that is what's happening.

 

This is a festering sore that will never heal. In addition, it prevents you from forgiving yourself. You need to forgive yourself and probably move on. Harsh words, I know. It would be best for both of you.

Edited October 2, 2014 by Redhead14

[Dork Vader]

Seeing that you love this man and can no longer deal with it. You have two options.

 

 

1. You need to be stern with him. You need to tell him you can not change the past, it happened, it means nothing to me, it's over and in the past. You either let it go completely, forget it happened and we move on or we end the relationship. But either way I'm done putting my self through this because you're obsessing on this.

 

 

Doing this means any time he attempts to talk about it, even if only joking. You get up and leave no matter when, no matter where. Do not talk to him for 24 hours. Continue to do this until he figures out you're not going to talk about it anymore. I should add this means you can not bring it up either. You are both mutually agreeing to never talk about this AGAIN.

 

 

He is also obsessing on it and he is not being rational or fair to you. But you need to put your foot down and say enough is enough.

 

 

2. End the relationship.

[anna121]

I'm curious, you said the friend you slept with is a "successfulish artist" - Is your boyfriend an artist as well?

 

I'm also curious about the age difference. You were 22 at that party, but I guess he was 32... Was his friend his age or your age?

 

I don't know if either of those details are actually important, but it could be part of why he isn't getting over it after all this time... he's concentrating on the wrong thing and displacing his anxiety of aging and/or not being as successful as his peers on you. Maybe.

 

It reminds me of a time in my life when I started dating a girl - we were both 22 - and while I had been with several people who had more sexual experience than me, she had only slept with one person before. The ironic thing was that I became way more insecure about this one guy than I was about any of the people my past girlfriends had been with.

 

The reason for me, after I did some deep soul searching, was not the act of sex (she said he was horrible and has not spoken to him since) it was that I couldn't stop myself from wondering what he did to make himself seem special enough to sleep with. It made me question her judgment, my worth (if she'd loose her virginity to that prick, what does that say about me?), and whether or not she could be trusted to make good decisions moving forward (she also claimed to be under the influence when deciding to sleep with this guy, which you think would be a good excuse, but subconsciously that just screams "I can't be trusted to make good decisions if not sober")

 

The good news is that I ended up realizing that I can't hold people accountable for the decisions they made in the past. The past is a prison, and the future is freedom. I want to say that your BF can get through this with deep self analyzing, but I think that you may have to end up using tough love and telling him that you won't tolerate his continued abuse. Maybe that will be enough to get his mind going in the right direction. Hope this helps.

 

Hope this isn't a thread jack.

 

I take it, then, that you would have been ok if she had said "He was a great guy but it just didn't work out. He was my first, and it was just fine."

[cmonman]

Seeing that you love this man and can no longer deal with it. You have two options.

 

 

1. You need to be stern with him. You need to tell him you can not change the past, it happened, it means nothing to me, it's over and in the past. You either let it go completely, forget it happened and we move on or we end the relationship. But either way I'm done putting my self through this because you're obsessing on this.

 

 

Doing this means any time he attempts to talk about it, even if only joking. You get up and leave no matter when, no matter where. Do not talk to him for 24 hours. Continue to do this until he figures out you're not going to talk about it anymore. I should add this means you can not bring it up either. You are both mutually agreeing to never talk about this AGAIN.

 

 

He is also obsessing on it and he is not being rational or fair to you. But you need to put your foot down and say enough is enough.

 

 

2. End the relationship.

 

The only problem I see with putting your foot down like this and forbidding him from ever talking about it again is that, instead of working out his issue and truly overcoming it, he will just hold it in and become resentful. If he does, I suppose that's his stupidity and his problem, but I feel like you should also make sure he continues therapy, in addition to telling him to shut up about it.

[cmonman]

Hope this isn't a thread jack.

 

I take it, then, that you would have been ok if she had said "He was a great guy but it just didn't work out. He was my first, and it was just fine."

 

No, it wasn't a thread jack at all. I was simply conveying a time in my life where I felt a similar kind of insecurity to the OP's boyfriend. I was trying to say that I was able to get over it, meaning that the OP's boyfriend can as well, and explained why I was irrationally insecure in the first place.

 

And yes, I normally would have been fine with her history, that was the point of the story. I was fixating on this one experience she had, when I had never had an issue like that before.

[Dork Vader]

The only problem I see with putting your foot down like this and forbidding him from ever talking about it again is that, instead of working out his issue and truly overcoming it, he will just hold it in and become resentful. If he does, I suppose that's his stupidity and his problem, but I feel like you should also make sure he continues therapy, in addition to telling him to shut up about it.

 

 

 

It sounds like that the two of them have talked the death out of it. She has said this has been an on going issue for months. I don't think there is anything this woman can tell him that will force him to get over it. He is going to continue to obsess on it so long as she lets him. But either way the guy is doing nothing constructive to move beyond it.

 

 

He either needs to accept that it happened, that it wont happen again and move on with the relationship, let her go or seek therapy so he can move on.

 

I went through something similar in which an ex sexted her best friends husband. I obsessed on it. I finally burnt out (we both did) I said I no longer wanted to talk about it. So I never brought it up. The issue was she constantly brought it. Anytime we would see the guy she'd be saying "can you see how it's just joking blah blah" pushing her side of it. I finally walked away from the relationship because of it and I warned her numerous times that I would.

[lucy colette]

Seeing that you love this man and can no longer deal with it. You have two options.

 

 

1. You need to be stern with him. You need to tell him you can not change the past, it happened, it means nothing to me, it's over and in the past. You either let it go completely, forget it happened and we move on or we end the relationship. But either way I'm done putting my self through this because you're obsessing on this.

 

 

Doing this means any time he attempts to talk about it, even if only joking. You get up and leave no matter when, no matter where. Do not talk to him for 24 hours. Continue to do this until he figures out you're not going to talk about it anymore. I should add this means you can not bring it up either. You are both mutually agreeing to never talk about this AGAIN.

 

 

He is also obsessing on it and he is not being rational or fair to you. But you need to put your foot down and say enough is enough.

 

 

2. End the relationship.

 

yes. my drunken emotional demonstration really got to him. yesterday he tried implmenting the "exposure technique" he learned in therapy - writing the worst case scenario of his imagination re the incident over and over [yikes]. he also hasnt "asked me questions" since thebegining of the week. my therapist made a stupid sign for him he was supposed to hold up saying uh oh im having a thought about *** 1. tell my gf about it but dont ask her q because it wil hurt her 2. she takes care of you and helps you distract 3. write your exposure later. he was pissed at first ha [understandably] but he got the point,

 

last night HE drunkenly started crying about how much he loves me and how hes ashamed of how hes treated me. he said he is going to be better to me, he wouldn't know what to do if he lost me.

 

i also saw that his friend he is now working with, who is friends w his former friend, texted him something regarding the ****head - either that he was hanging out w him one night when they were making plans, or inviting him to hang out. he sighed and said oh boy here it is. and got really sulky for a bit but didn;t mention it and i just gave him space. so yeah.

 

idk, i still feel a little distanced from him. sort of dissapointed. we'll see if he sticks to his word, and if he does how i feel then. he has a lot of damage control to do ....

[BlueIris]

yes. my drunken emotional demonstration really got to him. yesterday he tried implmenting the "exposure technique" he learned in therapy - writing the worst case scenario of his imagination re the incident over and over [yikes]. he also hasnt "asked me questions" since thebegining of the week. my therapist made a stupid sign for him he was supposed to hold up saying uh oh im having a thought about *** 1. tell my gf about it but dont ask her q because it wil hurt her 2. she takes care of you and helps you distract 3. write your exposure later. he was pissed at first ha [understandably] but he got the point,

 

last night HE drunkenly started crying about how much he loves me and how hes ashamed of how hes treated me. he said he is going to be better to me, he wouldn't know what to do if he lost me.

 

i also saw that his friend he is now working with, who is friends w his former friend, texted him something regarding the ****head - either that he was hanging out w him one night when they were making plans, or inviting him to hang out. he sighed and said oh boy here it is. and got really sulky for a bit but didn;t mention it and i just gave him space. so yeah.

 

idk, i still feel a little distanced from him. sort of dissapointed. we'll see if he sticks to his word, and if he does how i feel then. he has a lot of damage control to do ....

 

You’re in the abuse cycle. Get out.

 

His dysfunction is becoming a central part of your life, and the weight and obligation will become heavier and heavier. When was the last time you felt light and free to do what you want and have fun, without the nagging thought that something negative about him or from him is a thunderstorm on the horizon?

 

I’ve been there, as have SO MANY people, men and women. Often the 6-month mark is a point at which people get out for good or get drawn in deeper.

 

It starts with (1) wonderful relationship and some bond forms, you’re together and interdependent.

 

Then (2) he treats you badly somehow, ideally a reason out of his control or that he “can’t help”, and blames it on you, sowing the seed of fault and greater obligation, even if only subtly. (“I love you so much and my suffering/actions are because I love you and you did a bad thing or caused me to act this way.”) It’s classic. And the hook is set.

 

Then (3), he apologizes, yet… he’s still wounded, broken or needy, so the hook digs deeper while maintaining the focus and need on him. His mean behavior fades in importance and now it’s about your caring, understanding and helping him. He’s going to work on it, but HIS suffering and problems become a bigger part of the relationship and of YOUR life and peace of mind. (And you’ve been together only 6 months!)

 

And voila! You’re in the abuse cycle! As he said, he wouldn’t know what he’d do without you. He needs you now! Feel trapped?

 

Lots of people see only the mean phase of the cycle, but the “sugary, sad, help-me, I-need-you” phase is when the hook is implanted deeper and deeper. Yet all phases are about him.

 

No, you’re not at fault and being in a situation like this DOES make one wonder if they’re crazy or good enough or loving enough.

 

Of course he got mad when he had to do something he didn’t want to and that required that HE be responsible for himself. That’s not his theory of relationship.

 

HE is not healthy and is not long-term partner material- diagnosed or not.

 

Because you love him or at least care deeply, this might sound repulsive or offensive, but if you leave and look back in 5 years you might wonder: Isn’t it odd that he chose to date someone that he knew he’d have something against, something to hold over her head, something to use to justify anger and taking the victim role? It doesn't matter now. The cycle's clear enough, and "out" is the only healthy direction. But one might wonder- after the fact.

Edited October 3, 2014 by BlueIris

[smackie9]

The best therapy for this is seperation therapy. Move out, don't sleep with him, make yourself scarce.

 

He needs some time to himself to reflect on all that has happened. You being there the cycle of abuse will continue.

[cmonman]

I think the OP is right to be cautious, and to make it clear to him that there will need to be damage control on his part, but I know several couples who started out with massive issues (alcoholism, severe anger, etc) and once they accepted therapy there were able to completely change.

 

Maybe it's rare, but if she loves him and he is showing and communicating his desire to change, then why should she assume he's not capable of it? She should DEFINITELY stay vigilant, but don't leave him right when things start to go her way, that makes no sense.

[Crila16]

It's a shame he can't get past something that happened years ago, and long before him. He's more concerned about the past than all the great qualities you have to offer him. He's going to end up losing you. You can't stay in a relationship where he's going to constantly punish you for something that is completely out of your control and you can't change.

[Redhead14]

thank you for all of your replies.

 

 

 

i don't want to break up because i love him, but i'm starting to wonder if i need to do so for my self respect if he keeps treating me this way. its an awful thought, but sometimes i wonder if i broke up with him, went to go stay somewhere else for a while, etc, he would realize how unfair he has been. if not, i guess thats ok , and i'll be better for it eventually.

 

do you think that might be the wakeup call he needs? is that pathetic to think?

 

He's pretty messed up if he asked you out in the first place knowing his friend basically pumped and dumped you. I/QUOTE]

 

right well, i wouldn't call it pumped and dumped exactly because I WAS NOT into this guY and he had a gf. but i know how the doube standard goes. i guess in therapy i realized this and it became a fear because he said he was worried i liked it and wanted to date his friend. frankly thats an insult to my intellegence.

 

in the pst he said he doesnt judge me at all, its his problem and posessiveness hedoesnt like thinking about him touching me etc. my therapist pointed out is was jealousy. he said he doesnt want to have this double standard for women, asked what i got out of it, etc. he thinks his friend is a piece of ****. his gf is a model, he has said how his friend only dates models but ****s 'normal' girls, and how he had a three some with a sports illustrated model the week before he slept w me [great?]. sometimes i do worry that he is a social climber, and this profoundly bothers me. i do worry im not good enough because his friend slept with me and didnt date me. but this makes no sense - obviously im not a model, he calls me beautiful and gorgeous everyday, he doesnt want to date models, doesnt think his friends gf is pretty [shes not, shes model beautiful but not pretty] and he says shes dumb as a brick. so id like to think that dating me doesnt make him feel inferior, also based on his anger, dreams that i slept with him sevarl times, dreams where his friend is hitting on me, etc. buuut it does make me feel that way sometimes. idk. hope this isnt it.

 

 

Break up with him.

 

He'll never get over this and if it wasn't his friend he'd be fixated on some other guy you slept with. This has been an issue for him in the past, it's one for him in the present, and will be one for him in the future. His behavior is abusive and obsessive. And on top of it, it seems he's developing a bit of a drinking problem...a real winner this one.

/QUOTE]

 

yes, he has said this in depth. many times that it has always been an issue. he said my therapist didnt answer HIS question about why he does this (haha thats not how couples therapy works].

 

im leaning towards telling him, if/when it happens again, how much it hurts me, how i feel that he is judging me, that there is more to our relationship and me than me sleeping w his freind once. 3 years ago. drunk and on 3 drugs. when i was 22. i've told him that if he really can't get over this, hes a dip**** [in so many words] and its his loss. which of course, isnt kind and understanding which my therapist says is the only way to defeat this, in addition to ignoring his questions. i will tell him i cant take it anymore, and unless we keep going to therapy and he stops we will have to break up.

 

thanks again for your advice.

 

do you think that might be the wakeup call he needs? is that pathetic to think? I don't mean to sound insensitive, but you are the one who needs a wake up call. You need to distance yourself from the situation. You both need to reflect and process. Constantly have this in your faces doesn't allow for processing.

 

One thing you could do is to both agree not to talk about all this for awhile at all. Then choose a date and time to have a calm, non-confrontational discussion. If one or the other tries to talk about it or be angry about it before the scheduled discussion time, stop it right then and there.

 

I recommend that you start doing things for yourself on a regular basis to help you get in a better frame of mind. You need to prepare yourself for life without him. You can hope for the best and prepare for the worst.

Edited October 3, 2014 by Redhead14

[MrNate 2.0]

Its about to get real.

 

*starts preparing popcorn*

 

This thread has potential.

[smackie9]

I think the OP is right to be cautious, and to make it clear to him that there will need to be damage control on his part, but I know several couples who started out with massive issues (alcoholism, severe anger, etc) and once they accepted therapy there were able to completely change.

 

Maybe it's rare, but if she loves him and he is showing and communicating his desire to change, then why should she assume he's not capable of it? She should DEFINITELY stay vigilant, but don't leave him right when things start to go her way, that makes no sense.

 

 

Ya it does make sense because his actions don't match his words. He still can't be intimate with her or kiss her. He is all talk no action. This boy needs to grow up, and not on her time. I never said breakup but be apart from each other so it will push him because it will really hit home what is at stake...and that is losing her.

[Adele0908]

He's pretty messed up if he asked you out in the first place knowing his friend basically pumped and dumped you. I don't know about the slut thing, but guys in the same social circle can be really weird like that. Seriously dating a woman another guy did that to is basically admitting you're inferior to him, and secure or not that's pretty unappealing to just about every guy on the planet.

 

It's not fixable.

 

I don't get this. Everybody's been dumped.

[Adele0908]

OP, I can't believe no one has said this but a very plausible reason he is picking on you about sleeping with his friend is because you seem to have some insecurities surrounding sex, your sexuality and being classified as a slut. Basically it seems like you slut shame yourself, so if that is how you treat yourself, then how do you think he will treat you?

 

People tend to treat someone the way that person treats themselves. I've actually been in your shoes a few years back. I shudder to think of the time and tears I wasted on something so insignificant. Anywhoo, If you owned your sexuality more, and was like, "Yeah I f-ed him, AND??", I guarantee that your man will either back down or leave, but either way this issue would be dead and done with.

[Quiet Storm]

I think most guys would have issues with this, but due to his mental illness, it is magnified. He isn't emotionally equipped to cope. Emotionally stable guys would see this as a problem and not get involved in the first place, keep it casual or end it when they realized they couldn't get over it. You two are stuck in this dysfunctional dance, with him making both of you miserable over something you can't change.

 

Your pain and tears won't change his behavior because his feelings will trump yours every time. He is not an emotionally healthy person and your feelings will always be secondary to his anxiety, emotions or obsessions. That is just the nature of his disorder.

 

My sister is a Borderline and my parents tears and pain changed nothing, because she just isn't capable of putting their feelings first. It's not that she doesn't want to- she can't. Just like a paralyzed person is physically disabled, your BF is emotionally disabled. We would not expect a paralyzed person to get up and walk, so expecting him to be rational and empathetic is unrealistic. In my sister's case, she intellectually knew her behavior was hurting her family, but in the moment her emotions overwhelmed her. You are thinking your pain will inspire an epiphany and he'll stop, but that is very unlikely to happen because of his issues.

 

There is nothing you can do or say to make it better. No matter how many times you have the same argument, he won't be satisfied. He questions you because he wants to relieve his anxiety, he wants to find comfort in your answers. He wants the fear and anxiety to go away, and he doesn't want to lose you. He can't change himself so he's trying to change this horrible truth (in his mind) but it's not possible.

 

You need to figure out what kind of life you want. Two people can love each other, but still decide that circumstances make them incompatible. You two are incompatible - he can't get over it and you can't turn back time. Stop torturing each other and end it.

[lucy colette]

Ya it does make sense because his actions don't match his words. He still can't be intimate with her or kiss her. He is all talk no action. This boy needs to grow up, and not on her time. I never said breakup but be apart from each other so it will push him because it will really hit home what is at stake...and that is losing her.

 

well the good news is that have been intimate a gain [a lot] but i can't just deal with him randomly not being able to because of some crazy thought ] i have and will make this more clear. i agree taht it is good for us to have time apart - both dogsitting this weekend, i have to go to my parents for a day next weekend, etc. good timing for it. his words do match his actions generally - he is trying now. so, we'll see. thanks for the input.

[lucy colette]

OP, I can't believe no one has said this but a very plausible reason he is picking on you about sleeping with his friend is because you seem to have some insecurities surrounding sex, your sexuality and being classified as a slut. Basically it seems like you slut shame yourself, so if that is how you treat yourself, then how do you think he will treat you?

 

People tend to treat someone the way that person treats themselves. I've actually been in your shoes a few years back. I shudder to think of the time and tears I wasted on something so insignificant. Anywhoo, If you owned your sexuality more, and was like, "Yeah I f-ed him, AND??", I guarantee that your man will either back down or leave, but either way this issue would be dead and done with.

 

i NEVER felt ashamed about it before he started tormenting me. he made me feel so so so bad about one thing i did. at the time i was like oh **** that guys a jerk. he didn't treat me as a slut per se, he said he was jealous. we talked about how it made me feel. he does have some issues with sexuality - christian shame at least.

[lucy colette]

I think most guys would have issues with this, but due to his mental illness, it is magnified. He isn't emotionally equipped to cope. Emotionally stable guys would see this as a problem and not get involved in the first place, keep it casual or end it when they realized they couldn't get over it. You two are stuck in this dysfunctional dance, with him making both of you miserable over something you can't change.

 

Your pain and tears won't change his behavior because his feelings will trump yours every time. He is not an emotionally healthy person and your feelings will always be secondary to his anxiety, emotions or obsessions. That is just the nature of his disorder.

 

My sister is a Borderline and my parents tears and pain changed nothing, because she just isn't capable of putting their feelings first. It's not that she doesn't want to- she can't. Just like a paralyzed person is physically disabled, your BF is emotionally disabled. We would not expect a paralyzed person to get up and walk, so expecting him to be rational and empathetic is unrealistic. In my sister's case, she intellectually knew her behavior was hurting her family, but in the moment her emotions overwhelmed her. You are thinking your pain will inspire an epiphany and he'll stop, but that is very unlikely to happen because of his issues.

 

There is nothing you can do or say to make it better. No matter how many times you have the same argument, he won't be satisfied. He questions you because he wants to relieve his anxiety, he wants to find comfort in your answers. He wants the fear and anxiety to go away, and he doesn't want to lose you. He can't change himself so he's trying to change this horrible truth (in his mind) but it's not possible.

 

You need to figure out what kind of life you want. Two people can love each other, but still decide that circumstances make them incompatible. You two are incompatible - he can't get over it and you can't turn back time. Stop torturing each other and end it.

 

sigh. this was sobering. i guess waht i should add [this story is about to get more and more insane, no pun intended] he's also schizophrenic. schizoaffective w a personality disorder. having met him, my therapist said that he could have a personality disorder with psychotic elements, and that schizoaffective is offten misdiagnosed. i would agree this might be true - he's had two episodes and they were drug induced (ten years ago].

 

ive been diagnosed w bpd [not sure if its accurate] but either way, therapy, specifally dbt has helped me so much. i think there is hope. the symptoms can be regulated even tho personality disorders are incurable.

 

but i guess the reason i'm telling you all this, is that meeting him, interacting with him socially, you would NEVER know. he is very socially skilled, logical and charming.he is open about it. shizophrenia is episodical, so someone can seem / be normal when they're not in a psychosis, as far as i can understand, but he does have minor echos of it. i think the rest of it is his personality disorder acting up.

 

BUT, this is one of the reasons i love him the most. he is so so so strong. i've been through a lot of pain emotionally, and so has he. he sometime learned to seperate his hallucintions and thought, to recognize they are not real and to step back. its really a miracle to me, and his athiest friends say that he has turned himself around and made so much progress actually makes them believe in god. based on what he's told me, i feel the same way. he told me that when bad thoughts seep into ones mind he's sometimes had to say / i should say 'step behind me satan/' it actually worked for me more than most therapy techniques.

 

the other night he said i figured my schizophrenia out, i can figure this out. i liek to believe people can change.

[gaius]

I've heard of people learning how to manage their schizophrenia before, like the guy from A Beautiful Mind, but I've never heard or seen a guy learn to manage the fact his girl banged his friend like that. =/ He might be biting off more than he can chew with this one.