She knows but doesn't care? [update- wife knows for certain]

[A.Moscote]

Buckle up and be strong, things may become nasty or easy, or in between, nobody knows. You have done well in according to your own capacity, I hope this will pave the way forward for you. As far as I see it, it is a brave and selfless (no matter what you hope for from this) act. Congrats.

 

Whether she will use the info wisely or not, improving her situation or just deranged her life further, it is her decision, don't unnecessarily worry yourself about it. At least now everyone has the chance to decide thing based on the truth.

 

Let them settle this, back off for a while. Maybe in the end it will favor your dream and love, a chance for you to have the life with him. If not, you can always move on. Take care of yourself most either way.

[Pinklotus]

Just sent BW an anonymous text saying your husband is having an affair with solostand and it has been going on for a long time. her number is ......

 

I don't understand why you are telling this woman. If you want out, leave him, go NC as you have indicated you're trying to do, and leave them to it.

 

What is the purpose in destroying a 60-something woman's life? I think enough damage has been done already.

 

Get out and stay out. Mend yourself. Become a better person and be ready for the right, single man to come along.

[IfWishesWereHorses]

I hope she didn't do it simply because she wants out. It's like saying "I want out, but I can't do it because it's hard, so I'm going to turn your world upside down so that now it's your responsibility to keep him away from me." It seems rather... Well... Mean.

 

Honestly, looking at her story I wonder how much of it is reactionary. In her situation, putting what's happened recently into context, it sounds like she's essentially saying "I want him to end it, he's not doing it, so I'm going try to end you guys."

 

Neither of the reasons are exactly great ones.

 

There's been the building frustration, the false attempt at sobriety, another attempt, all of the ruminating and questioning everyone ELSE'S intentions, THEN NC, phone in the drawer for a day or so, then anonymous text to his wife. I certainly hope something good comes from this for someone atleast. I don't see much helping SS because she seems to be constantly spinning in one direction or the other with plenty of force and no real plan. SS, it's unhealthy to react to and act in you emotions constantly. Look where this has gotten you. I hope you can get the emotions under control and take back the reigns on getting your life moving in a positive direction.

[solostand]

Valid question.

 

I hope after all this time, it's because she wants off this ride. This is hopefull her making a stand and allowing him an opportunity to be honest with His W, with Solostand and with himself. If he doesn't make a move, hopefully Solostand will know what she wants to do with that very important information.

 

Honesty sucks rocks when you know your are literally going to destroy a person's reality and all those involved, buut it is still good and better tban living in deceit.

 

I hope this frees Solostand no matter what happens. *

 

This is exactly right. I have been planning on doing this for some time to get it out in the open, but I was just waiting for the "right time". Now I realize there is no right time - just do it!

 

If she calls I will be polite and respectful, but I WILL tell the truth and NOT protect MM who will be trying to throw me under a bus.

[solostand]

For people who think I shouldn't have told her - in my opinion, it will probably be a relief to her. He has been gaslighting her for two years and constantly she is asking him and bringing my name up and he denies denies denies. Lately they have been fighting a lot and threatening to leave each other anyway. I think she has a right to know who she is married to.

[Redheaded Mistress]

This is exactly right. I have been planning on doing this for some time to get it out in the open, but I was just waiting for the "right time". Now I realize there is no right time - just do it!

 

If she calls I will be polite and respectful, but I WILL tell the truth and NOT protect MM who will be trying to throw me under a bus.

 

I'm not sure this contacting of the wife was done with the best of intentions... This sounds like you hurt me, I hurt you, or "I want to be in the open, you're not doing it, I'm pissed, so I'm going to out us."

 

I just feel like you lobbed a grenade with the intent of inflicting as much hurt as you can.

 

You do realize that if you talk to her and "tell the truth," you pretty much give away it was you who sent the anonymous text. No OW gets a call from a BS who says "I got a text that said you're having an affair with my husband" and gets "Yep, I am, let me give you the dirty." You may as well have signed your name and at least gone into the situation honestly and with the courage of genuinely coming clean.

[Pinklotus]

This is exactly right. I have been planning on doing this for some time to get it out in the open, but I was just waiting for the "right time". Now I realize there is no right time - just do it!

 

If she calls I will be polite and respectful, but I WILL tell the truth and NOT protect MM who will be trying to throw me under a bus.

 

If you really wanted out you would just go NC. Why the continued involvement with him and his wife? Are you hoping he will leave her for you? Are you really thinking that you're doing this as some kind of a favor to her?

[MuddyRock]

She did the right thing. The wife obviously wants answers and isn't getting them from MM.

[solostand]

Of course I'm not going to say "yep that's me". I would act surprised to hear from her - ask where she got my number - and find out what she wants.

 

I find it ironic that all the people on LS who convinced me this man was the devil incarnate (or at least a bad man) do not want his life partner to know he is a bad man who can betray her at the drop of a hat. It's okay for ME to be told what he's like (from posters on LS), but not Okay for her to hear it? Maybe their marriage is terrible and this will be her opportunity to get out. Maybe their marriage can survive and get stronger.

Who knows what will happen but at least she won't be the third player in a three part drama who didn't even know she was in a drama.

[Redheaded Mistress]

For people who think I shouldn't have told her - in my opinion, it will probably be a relief to her. He has been gaslighting her for two years and constantly she is asking him and bringing my name up and he denies denies denies. Lately they have been fighting a lot and threatening to leave each other anyway. I think she has a right to know who she is married to.

 

If what you say is true, she already knows who she is married too. A blind, anonymous text is simply contributing to further opportunities to gaslight her.

 

As to if it's a relief or not, honestly I think that's just your wishful thinking. You just said she already has your name. If she was truly wanting to push and find out, she would have already contacted you to find out. That is, of course, ignoring the fact that people rarely find it a "relief" to find out their spouse is cheating on them.

 

If they were threatening to break up, that should have been handled by them. Honestly, by saying "they have been fighting a lot and threatening to leave each other anyway," it honestly looks like you saw a fire and walked up, threw on more gas, and walked away while shrugging your shoulders.

 

I just don't think this was a good move that you'll feel good about. You reacted because you were hurt, so you hurt the easy target... The wife.

[Pinklotus]

She did the right thing. The wife obviously wants answers and isn't getting them from MM.

 

The wife isn't Solostand's problem. She is not responsible for the wife or the OM. She should be getting as much distance as possible from BOTH OF THEM. She needs to end it and truly get out. Talking to the wife isn't going to absolve her of anything, nor will it probably help. When is she really going to stop being the third person in that marriage?

[Pinklotus]

So now you suddenly care about her? Sorry, not buying it.

 

Of course I'm not going to say "yep that's me". I would act surprised to hear from her - ask where she got my number - and find out what she wants.

 

I find it ironic that all the people on LS who convinced me this man was the devil incarnate (or at least a bad man) do not want his life partner to know he is a bad man who can betray her at the drop of a hat. It's okay for ME to be told what he's like (from posters on LS), but not Okay for her to hear it? Maybe their marriage is terrible and this will be her opportunity to get out. Maybe their marriage can survive and get stronger.

Who knows what will happen but at least she won't be the third player in a three part drama who didn't even know she was in a drama.

[solostand]

A lot of this thread has been about how Solostand posts but nothing changes - its the same old same old, that I am not decisive in what I want.

 

So today I have DONE something concrete.It may not be to your liking, but it was my best choice. And 99 per cent of BS say they would want to know the truth.

[Redheaded Mistress]

Of course I'm not going to say "yep that's me". I would act surprised to hear from her - ask where she got my number - and find out what she wants.

 

And when you start spilling information, she'll know you sent the text. So will he. It's very transparent. I'm sure any OW here can tell you that if they got a call from the BS saying they were told you were sleeping with their spouse, they'd deny, deny, deny, answer nothing.

 

She'll figure out that you sent the text and you did it because you were upset at him, either because the relationship ended or because you wanted to hurt him. She's a BS, not an idiot.

 

Even flipping it, if I got a random text about my husband having an affair and I called the number, if she's readily giving me information, I'd know she sent the text.

 

I find it ironic that all the people on LS who convinced me this man was the devil incarnate (or at least a bad man) do not want his life partner to know he is a bad man who can betray her at the drop of a hat. It's okay for ME to be told what he's like (from posters on LS), but not Okay for her to hear it? Maybe their marriage is terrible and this will be her opportunity to get out. Maybe their marriage can survive and get stronger.

 

The advice you get is for your specific situation with him. It doesn't necessarily carry over to his wife. Even if it did, there was a more tactful way to clue her in than hiding behind an anonymous text that everybody involved will know would have come from you.

 

You've already said their marriage is terrible. But she stays. You know the marriage is filled with fighting and threats to leave and you just said that they were on the brink of leaving each other anyway... So you know that the information won't help them stay together. You gave the clear tone in this and previous texts that you hope they don't.

 

It just sounds like you're pissed at him for tricking you into thinking you had an exclusive relationship, so you're retaliating by attacking his wife because nothing you can do can hurt him, then letting the wife do the dirty work... Ruining her life in the process. To have an affair is bad enough to the life of a marriage, but to play God on the marriage because you don't like how he treated you during your affair? It's not the way to go.

 

If you want NC, truly go NC. Don't cause problems then ask to not be involved.

 

Who knows what will happen but at least she won't be the third player in a three part drama who didn't even know she was in a drama.

 

She knew she's involved and she was already involved in the drama. You didn't clue her into a drama she didn't know about. Her marriage is failing in a brutal manner. So she's well aware she's entangled in this drama. You didn't do her any favors.

 

Let's just be honest here... This was not about her, this was about you. From what you've said, she's really clear who her husband is and she's reacting accordingly. Her life is a drama, she knows her life is a drama. You said she even throws your name around. You should have just gone NC and given the woman a chance to end her marriage or fix it without having to deal with a bitter ex-OW lobbing grenades with the goal of hurting him as much as possible while claiming she's doing the hurt spouse a big favor.

 

A lot of this thread has been about how Solostand posts but nothing changes - its the same old same old, that I am not decisive in what I want.

 

This action was further reinforcement that nothing changes. Everybody just reacts while keeping their best interests in mind and says to hell with everyone else.

 

So today I have DONE something concrete.It may not be to your liking, but it was my best choice. And 99 per cent of BS say they would want to know the truth.

 

It really wasn't your best choice. Your best choice was walking away and going NC.

 

And while most BS say they'd want to know the truth, I'm sure they'd all agree they'd want to know the truth in a way that maintains their dignity and respect. This clearly doesn't do that. A blind text with the "it may kill their marriage... oh well" justification comes across as cowardly and unnecessarily cruel.

Edited September 28, 2014 by Redheaded Mistress

[whatatangledweb]

Now that you have told her, does that mean you ended the affair?

[solostand]

But the thing is, he didn't break up with me. Quite the opposite. He said he wanted to be in my life always.

 

I could have carried on with the status quo and things would roll along exactly the same.

 

I don't profess to like his wife - I only met her twice - and let's face it, what affair partner has warm feelings towards the BS.

 

I did this coupled with NC.

 

How is the TRUTH ruining a woman's life?

[Redheaded Mistress]

Now that you have told her, does that mean you ended the affair?

 

I'm curious too.

 

She said earlier that she thinks the wife loves him, that she wants the chips to fall where they may, she's tired of being the side bit, etc etc. I'm not sure what the goal was... To tell her so she'd leave him and they could have their relationship?

 

Again, there's no way he won't know his wife was told by her. Everybody will figure it out. After doing something like this, she's already said the wife will be relieved (implying you think she'll be thankful for what she did)... Does she honestly think she'll have a grateful wife who "knows who she's married to" and gets the divorce and the ex-husband who's equally happy he can now be with the woman he really loves?

[Redheaded Mistress]

But the thing is, he didn't break up with me. Quite the opposite. He said he wanted to be in my life always.

 

You think he will feel the same when he finds out you told his wife? Because everybody, EVERYBODY, will know the text was from you.

 

I did this coupled with NC.

 

No, you voided NC by contacting her. NC really means NC. Not "no contact unless I change my mind and have an objective to my contact that ultimately I think brings me to what I want."

 

Even if you really thought this is NC, you didn't think it was at all unfair to the wife who's life you've attempted to ruin "I'm not talking about it now, we're NC."

 

How is the TRUTH ruining a woman's life?

 

If you truly can't conceive of how what you've done could ruin her life, you didn't think telling her through at all. The truth ruins people's lives all the time, and if you honestly thought she'd be relieved, that you did her a favor, or she'd be grateful... I don't even know what to tell you.

 

You should have thought this through way more than you clearly did.

[solostand]

He doesn't know I have her private cell number. . .

 

Also, literally hundreds of people know or think they know because we certainly don't hide it at AA. People even ask him about me and vice versa.

 

Also, her best friend has brought it up before but said "I didn't know how to tell you"

[2sunny]

But the thing is, he didn't break up with me. Quite the opposite. He said he wanted to be in my life always.

 

I could have carried on with the status quo and things would roll along exactly the same.

 

I don't profess to like his wife - I only met her twice - and let's face it, what affair partner has warm feelings towards the BS.

 

I did this coupled with NC.

 

How is the TRUTH ruining a woman's life?

 

He didn't break up with you? That's crazy thinking. He's not going to! He will take you whenever YOU ALLOW it.

 

YOU will need to do it! That means never contacting him ever again.

 

That is when it ends! Are you willing to DO that?

 

 

Leaving it to him is just still handing HIM ALL YOUR POWER! That's never wise.

 

Take YOUR power back. Make a decision to never interact with him again.

 

Then you can move forward by being done with him/them.

[Redheaded Mistress]

He doesn't know I have her private cell number. . .

 

Also, literally hundreds of people know or think they know because we certainly don't hide it at AA. People even ask him about me and vice versa.

 

Also, her best friend has brought it up before but said "I didn't know how to tell you"

 

Absolutely everybody will know it's you.

 

And if she knew this much about an affair to even suspect you and still she didn't contact you, that should have been a hint about just how little she wanted to know.

[whichwayisup]

Just sent BW an anonymous text saying your husband is having an affair with solostand and it has been going on for a long time. her number is ......

 

Why did you hide yourself and tell her anonymously?

 

Anyway, I hope you'll be honest with her if she calls you. Own your part in the affair, don't just put it all on her husband.

[2sunny]

He doesn't know I have her private cell number. . .

 

Also, literally hundreds of people know or think they know because we certainly don't hide it at AA. People even ask him about me and vice versa.

 

Also, her best friend has brought it up before but said "I didn't know how to tell you"

 

Neither one of you is living the principles of that program.

 

DO YOUR STEP WORK Solo!

 

What you're doing doesn't go along with the program. Expecting that group of people to support you in cheating - is just gross. It's a room full of sick people trying to get well. They are used to seeing liars and cheaters.

 

Find a solid sponsor and get to being honest!

[whichwayisup]

A lot of this thread has been about how Solostand posts but nothing changes - its the same old same old, that I am not decisive in what I want.

 

So today I have DONE something concrete.It may not be to your liking, but it was my best choice. And 99 per cent of BS say they would want to know the truth.

 

Okay forget my other post, I see that you will take her calls if she does end up getting a hold of you.

 

Glad that finally you told her. I just hope for your own sake that you're DONE with him and don't take him back if he comes running to you. She could very well kick him out and then you'll have him by default, not by his choice.

 

You think he will feel the same when he finds out you told his wife? Because everybody, EVERYBODY, will know the text was from you.

 

Who's "everybody"? I know you're against a betrayed spouse knowing the truth, but she did the right thing.

 

 

 

If you truly can't conceive of how what you've done could ruin her life, you didn't think telling her through at all. The truth ruins people's lives all the time, and if you honestly thought she'd be relieved, that you did her a favor, or she'd be grateful... I don't even know what to tell you.

 

You should have thought this through way more than you clearly did.

 

Umm, HE ruined his wife's life by having an affair. She is going to be devastated, yes, but at least now she can know the truth and make a decision about her own marriage, instead of having two people keeping her in the dark. Her husband is the one who has made a total fool of her, flaunting solo right under her nose (aka the hospital visits). Go back and read her other threads.

[whichwayisup]

Neither one of you is living the principles of that program.

 

DO YOUR STEP WORK Solo!

 

What you're doing doesn't go along with the program. Expecting that group of people to support you in cheating - is just gross. It's a room full of sick people trying to get well. They are used to seeing liars and cheaters.

 

Find a solid sponsor and get to being honest!

 

^^This post says it all.

 

Solo, along with finding a sponsor so you can really follow the steps, get counseling because this affair has messed you up. I'm sure you're not the same person you used to be pre-affair. You do and say things that you probably never thought you'd ever do, all because of the addiction and habit of being in the affair and loving obsessively the MM.

 

Again, OWN your part in the affair and answer all that his wife asks you. Apologize to her too.