She knows but doesn't care? [update- wife knows for certain]

[A.Moscote]

I am sober again, working really hard, and have found a new job, thank God.

 

That is a great turn of events, congrats. Keep it positive and work hard. Protect all those progress by separating them from the relationship issues you are going through now, keep him out of it. Indeed your MM should have nothing to do with it all, starting from now especially.

 

Again, demand him to change the situation, it is getting more and more obvious that his wife is hurting and confused, just as much as you. Be conscience, good luck.

[solostand]

Thank You A. Mascote.

 

You are right, we are both probably in pain. I am getting very tired of it all. He's probably gaslighting her making her feel crazy. I wish it would all just come out and let the chips fall. . .

[Tullyseptember]

Solo, he means to freak you out. Keeping you in a state of constant confusion of whether his wife knows or not. It's why he feeds you these bread crumbs, to keep you off track of what is really going on. Incredibly hurtful behaviour that is going to hurt many people including you. You and the married man feed off the high of the drama created by the two of you. Those chips that fall where they may? They are going to fall in places you never imagined. I sure hope you can remove yourself from this drama before that happens. You have been working so hard at holding on to your soberity. Work just as hard for your peace of mind

[whichwayisup]

I don't know why he would lie about her saying she hopes the new one is as good to him as her. It freaks me out when he tells me things like that.

 

Solo, you both are totally addicted to the drama of this affair, you've admitted that recently. Of course any little thing he can add to it, will be said.

 

You seem to forget something though, when he was ill and in the hospital, you quietly got to watch his wife - Remember what you said? How tender and caring she was looking after him. If a person doesn't love or care about their spouse, they ain't gonna act all lovey and kind...

 

He has you fooled and deep down I think you know this but are way too afraid to let go and end this affair. you keep saying you'll end it, but never do.

 

Congrats on the new job and even more congrats on being sober again. Make being clean and sober your number one priority.

[whichwayisup]

Thank You A. Mascote.

 

You are right, we are both probably in pain. I am getting very tired of it all. He's probably gaslighting her making her feel crazy. I wish it would all just come out and let the chips fall. . .

 

If it comes out, do you really believe they will divorce and he'll come to you?

 

35 years of marriage isn't going to be thrown away. No way. People married that long and in their mid 60's don't start over again.

 

As for the reason why she didn't go with her daughter for a month, it is very possible that the daughter chose not to have her mom there. Maybe she wanted alone time with her baby and husband, bond as a family unit.

 

Solo, you can end all this at any time. If you're really sick and tired of the drama (which sadly I doubt), end it and walk away from him for good.

[solostand]

Oh, but he's good at keeping me hooked. . .

 

After reading LS for as long as I have been the scales ARE SLOWLY falling from my eyes. So yesterday as I jumped out of his truck I was saying something and I said "but I'm just your bit on the side anyway". I just said it as a fact, not whiney or anything.

 

Today he tells me that I put his nose out of joint by saying that - that I should KNOW I am more than that, that he LOVES ME blah blah blah.

 

I said that may well be but to the outside world, I'm just your bit on the side.

 

I know his wife loves him. I just don't think he loves her.

[Mount]

But reality is that , if you look from a true angle, you are very easy to keep or stay for him anyway. He does not need to invest anything, no need to invest much time, maybe a little bit $, a home-made sandiwich...and no need to invest everything else. Not like most of other OWs, BECAUSE you dare not asking more. You knew if you ask more, he breaks up with you.

 

Simply is that. So simple.

 

Oh, but he's good at keeping me hooked. . .

 

After reading LS for as long as I have been the scales ARE SLOWLY falling from my eyes. So yesterday as I jumped out of his truck I was saying something and I said "but I'm just your bit on the side anyway". I just said it as a fact, not whiney or anything.

 

Today he tells me that I put his nose out of joint by saying that - that I should KNOW I am more than that, that he LOVES ME blah blah blah.

 

I said that may well be but to the outside world, I'm just your bit on the side.

 

I know his wife loves him. I just don't think he loves her.

Edited September 25, 2014 by Mount

[Tullyseptember]

He does not like or love himself, he's unable to truly love anyone. His choice of words when speaking of woman in his personal life are concerning. He is waving Red flags right before your eyes. Love yourself, don't hold on to thinking you have his love over his wife. Very sad for all three of you and even sadder that one out of the three is not in the loop of what is being said of her.

[Pinklotus]

You don't really know what he feels. I'm guessing that he loves his wife, as he has been married for so long. He may not be infatuated with her, but he probably loves her. Were he truly unhappy and no longer in love, he would have left a long time ago. You are ready and waiting...so what is stopping him?

 

Conversely, based on the way you report on your relationship, it doesn't seem that he loves you. It does seem he is infatuated. That isn't the same thing.

 

He seems to have it made. As you said, you're his bit on the side. And a wife who remains devoted despite her doubts.

 

Are you happy with all this? Does it really feel good to know that you are not only being hurt yourself, but participating in the destruction of someone else's marriage? Meanwhile the months and years tick on. Nothing really changes here.

 

And he sounds like a first class jerk to me. Take control and stop letting him do this to you.

[solostand]

But reality is that , if you look from a true angle, you are very easy to keep or stay for him anyway. He does not need to invest anything, no need to invest much time, maybe a little bit $, a home-made sandiwich...and no need to invest everything else. Not like most of other OWs, BECAUSE you dare not asking more. You knew if you ask more, he breaks up with you.

 

Simply is that. So simple.

 

Respectfully, I would suggest he invests as much or more as any MM on LS. He invests TIME with me. We see each other every single day - even Christmas Day and all holidays. He even takes on snowstorms to come to see me. He also phones several times a day. He listens to me and supports me and sometimes acts like my counsellor. He tells me everything about his life - his business - and his family. He takes risks to be with me, and risks being seen with me. He has transferred emotional attachment from his wife to me.

 

I don't know what other OWs are getting that I'm not getting.

 

I don't think its right that I demand he leave his marriage - it should be his decision. Also, I knew he was married when I entered into this affair.

[A.Moscote]

For me, I don't think it is not right to demand him so, especially when you have so far participated in something that should have made him so.

 

Anyway, has he ever said anything about it? Any plan that you know about?

What if he wants to keep thing this way, with you, and with his wife?

 

If it is so, and if you still want to pursue this relationship with him (as you described, quite a good relationship), then maybe it is not that unreasonable for you to meet his wife yourself, disclose whatever necessary, and discuss it with her what is the best for everyone.

Sorry for this idealistic absurdity. Just a suggestion.

 

My real hope for you, despite whatever you hope for, is to just move on, forget him. His love, true though it is, after two years is unkind and unjust.

[2sunny]

I can't see why you would continue seeing him at all now.

 

Focus on yourself - your sobriety and doing all your step work with a sponsor.

 

Do that first - and be honest with your sponsor.

 

It should help you moving forward.

[Donesharing]

I can't see why you would continue seeing him at all now.

 

Focus on yourself - your sobriety and doing all your step work with a sponsor.

 

Do that first - and be honest with your sponsor.

 

It should help you moving forward.

 

Isn't one of the recommendations in AA that you don't have a relationship for a year? I can see that if you already had a solid established relationship you wouldn't end it, but something like this cannot be good for your sobriety.

 

I noticed I have been drinking wine more often with all the stress of being an OW.

[whatatangledweb]

Solo,

 

What do you really want to happen? He was suppose to leave in july when some big check came in. He didn't.

 

Are you hoping that she will figure it out and kick him out? She may figure it out as he is getting very sloppy about his actions. I don't see her kicking him out though. 33 years is a lot of years versus a 2 year affair. I do believe the affair will end when she finds out though.

 

I know you can see what many of us see. That you are going to be hurt and that he is not good for you. He told you that you and him could still drink together after you told him that you had fell off the wagon and that you had thought he would be the one you did that with. That is not good for two recovering alcoholics. He tells you things all the time and when the time comes there is always an excuse of why it didn't happen. Him leaving...his wife going away for a month...etc.

 

Why are you doing this to yourself? Please put a stop to it one way or another. End it, tell his wife, but do something. Your stress caused you to lose your job and fall off the wagon, what? three weeks ago? This stress is not something you need. Please protect yourself before you are hurt so badly. I worry about you, I really do.

[Mount]

Ah I see, I guess I did not read your all previous posts in detail.

 

But the truth is, are you satisfied with the status quo? If you said yes, really? REALLY really? Or you are just not truthful to yourself. You knew what you want, you dare not speak up - that is what tremendous stress coming from, because you are stuck, you can not go anywhere else.

 

Other OWs were asking for their MMs to be single as first step, despite what the outcome is, at least they stand up for the basic request.

 

I see you trying to over-analyzie what the MM told you and try to see if there has any tiny bit hope that he will be single, that reflects what you really want despite you do not/dare not asking MM to leave marriage.

 

Respectfully, I would suggest he invests as much or more as any MM on LS. He invests TIME with me. We see each other every single day - even Christmas Day and all holidays. He even takes on snowstorms to come to see me. He also phones several times a day. He listens to me and supports me and sometimes acts like my counsellor. He tells me everything about his life - his business - and his family. He takes risks to be with me, and risks being seen with me. He has transferred emotional attachment from his wife to me.

 

I don't know what other OWs are getting that I'm not getting.

 

I don't think its right that I demand he leave his marriage - it should be his decision. Also, I knew he was married when I entered into this affair.

[Red123]

I'm sure someone has said this before but I will say it anyway. Have you thought of what kind of future you will have with a man like this if he actually leaves his wife for you? He has shown that he is a master in deception and that he does not stick to his word by any means. He has also made comments to you already about letting yourself slip because of not having fresh shaved legs. So how will you ever feel comfortable being this mans partner? You cannot trust him and how are you ever going to be able to relax and let go a bit, like everyone does in relationships. It's not abnormal to go without shaving or look scary first thing in the morning when you are in a relationship. Basically I would worry how you will ever feel comfortable that he won't find someone else once you are with him full time. We all want to believe that the one we love would lie to others but not us, but this board is full of the opposite. As a lot of others have said don't you deserve better? Also it really sounds like his W knows something. To cancel a trip to be with her new grandchild it must be something. I doubt she doesn't care if she knows. Even if she is not happy with him being betrayed hurts. Good luck and I hope you start thinking about you more.

[Owl]

Still not clear on this...what was his response to her when she asked him directly about a girlfriend?

[solostand]

He lied to her and said no.

[Owl]

He lied to her and said no.

 

This begs the question....WHY??????

 

I suspect you've avoided asking him that question...suspect you've avoided thinking it to yourself even.

 

Because the answer is OBVIOUS.

 

He lied...because he doesn't want to change things at home.

 

He lied...because he doesn't want to change things.

 

He lied...because he doesn't want to lose her.

 

When it came down to it...he lied...he 'hid' you...so that he could keep her.

 

Why do you accept this?

[Mount]

Obviously "solostand" accepts that and chooses not walking away, and dare not ask MM to choose wife or her, as she knows he will break with her.

 

Also I think "solostand" knows very well the bold part you wrote, and I believe everyone on this post knows very well too. So what is point to reiterate over and over and over again.

 

Honestly, nothing really about this anymore.

 

This begs the question....WHY??????

 

I suspect you've avoided asking him that question...suspect you've avoided thinking it to yourself even.

 

Because the answer is OBVIOUS.

 

He lied...because he doesn't want to change things at home.

 

He lied...because he doesn't want to change things.

 

He lied...because he doesn't want to lose her.

 

When it came down to it...he lied...he 'hid' you...so that he could keep her.

 

Why do you accept this?

[solostand]

I am asking myself the same questions. Believe me. I just finished actually praying for the courage to end it.

 

He just left. He asked if I had a boyfriend, would I cheat on my boyfriend with him. I realized later that I should have asked "If your wife catches you, will you continue on with me?"

 

It would be very interesting to hear that answer and I believe the answer will be "no".

 

I am asking him this question tomorrow.

 

Oh yes, according to him, my name came up last night.

[Owl]

Obviously "solostand" accepts that and chooses not walking away, and dare not ask MM to choose wife or her, as she knows he will break with her.

 

Also I think "solostand" knows very well the bold part you wrote, and I believe everyone on this post knows very well too. So what is point to reiterate over and over and over again.

Honestly, nothing really about this anymore.

 

Because my experience has been that many posters who come here do so shying away from the solutions to their problems, avoiding facing and answering those very questions that are central and key to resolving the situation.

 

I honestly feel that "solostand" can benefit from facing the issue head on rather than passively accepting the situation as unchangable from her end.

 

That's the point...and no one else's approval is required.

[2sunny]

I am asking myself the same questions. Believe me. I just finished actually praying for the courage to end it.

 

He just left. He asked if I had a boyfriend, would I cheat on my boyfriend with him. I realized later that I should have asked "If your wife catches you, will you continue on with me?"

 

It would be very interesting to hear that answer and I believe the answer will be "no".

 

I am asking him this question tomorrow.

 

Oh yes, according to him, my name came up last night.

 

MM lie - why even ask him?

 

And why are you baiting us with that "my name came up" comment? Give info if you plan to type it here.

[solostand]

MM lie - why even ask him?

 

And why are you baiting us with that "my name came up" comment? Give info if you plan to type it here.

 

His sister and brother-in-law are visiting. According to him, his sister and his wife were talking about who would want "old codgers" like MM and brother in law. Wife told sister that when MM was in hospital, he was being visited regularly by Solostand, and described me as a tall, well-dressed, attractive, younger woman.

[Mount]

I understand. My point is despite the repeating similar advice being posted over and over and over again here, "solostand" will not do any change at all because she chooses not to.

 

She knows MM will cut her off if she demands the guy makes choice, thus over these years she chooses to keep the status quo and dare not asking at all.

 

NOw she is using the situation that MM's wife might know her, from what MM mentioned to her, but so what? As I said, even MM wife watching them together, so what, MM's wife is not going where, neither is MM, not leaving. So the outcome apparently is that "solostand" is not leaving either, same old same old.

 

 

Because my experience has been that many posters who come here do so shying away from the solutions to their problems, avoiding facing and answering those very questions that are central and key to resolving the situation.

 

I honestly feel that "solostand" can benefit from facing the issue head on rather than passively accepting the situation as unchangable from her end.

 

That's the point...and no one else's approval is required.