She knows but doesn't care? [update- wife knows for certain]

[Mount]

Do those details matter? No, not at all.

 

His sister and brother-in-law are visiting. According to him, his sister and his wife were talking about who would want "old codgers" like MM and brother in law. Wife told sister that when MM was in hospital, he was being visited regularly by Solostand, and described me as a tall, well-dressed, attractive, younger woman.

[solostand]

Do those details matter? No, not at all.

 

I never said they mattered. Someone asked and I answered."

 

People think LS doesn't help me, but it does. Extricating yourself from a long term affair is difficult. Love Shack helps pull me out of Affairyland, where I like to live, down to real life, where I have to face the truth.

 

Just these posts today, coupled with his visit, have me thinking what could be the best way and time to end with him. As he told me today "You're in the driver's seat". I forget that, but it is true, I AM in the drivers seat.

[Mount]

Which clearly the MM had already answered your question, which you have not even asked yet - You can leave affair or not, up to you, he (MM) will not have any change on his life.

 

Also I think the subject description of this thread says ALL - MM's wife knows but does not care (most importantly she does not want to leave no matter what).

 

 

I never said they mattered. Someone asked and I answered."

 

People think LS doesn't help me, but it does. Extricating yourself from a long term affair is difficult. Love Shack helps pull me out of Affairyland, where I like to live, down to real life, where I have to face the truth.

 

Just these posts today, coupled with his visit, have me thinking what could be the best way and time to end with him. As he told me today "You're in the driver's seat". I forget that, but it is true, I AM in the drivers seat.

[Owl]

Which clearly the MM had already answered your question, which you have not even asked yet - You can leave affair or not, up to you, he (MM) will not have any change on his life.

 

Also I think the subject description of this thread says ALL - MM's wife knows but does not care (most importantly she does not want to leave no matter what).

 

What his wife does or doesn't know...or does or doesn't do with that information...is actually irrelevent to "solostand's" own personal choices.

 

And that was the point I made...which solo has appeared to appreciate.

 

If you don't like my posts...there's a lovely 'ignore' feature available here that you can apply to my username.

 

I have no need nor desire to defend my posts further.

[Mount]

No, I did not say I do not like your posts. My point is all advice were from same angle over and over and over again.

 

Yes I am aware solo was appreciating because apparently she would like to drag or extend the content of post to another 60 pages, but really nothing has been changed at all, not single bit.

 

Other posters were laying out their dynamic change with MMs or exMMs, such as d-day, NC, or LC, or MM separated but went back...etc.

 

At least their things were moving forward or "evolving". I am just adding my netural perspectives here.

 

 

 

What his wife does or doesn't know...or does or doesn't do with that information...is actually irrelevent to "solostand's" own personal choices.

 

And that was the point I made...which solo has appeared to appreciate.

 

If you don't like my posts...there's a lovely 'ignore' feature available here that you can apply to my username.

 

I have no need nor desire to defend my posts further.

Edited September 26, 2014 by Mount

[whichwayisup]

I am asking myself the same questions. Believe me. I just finished actually praying for the courage to end it.

 

He just left. He asked if I had a boyfriend, would I cheat on my boyfriend with him. I realized later that I should have asked "If your wife catches you, will you continue on with me?"

 

It would be very interesting to hear that answer and I believe the answer will be "no".

 

I am asking him this question tomorrow.

 

Oh yes, according to him, my name came up last night.

 

Good grief, this man is playing you Solo. You can't see or won't believe that. NO WAY does his wife know half of what he's telling you.

 

I've said it a million times, so has everybody else. If he wanted to divorce his wife, HE WOULD!! He's had plenty of opportunities to come clean and just be honest with her. He hasn't and that says a lot. If he truly loved you and wanted a life with you, he'd make it happen. He hasn't. Instead he's fed you a bunch of bullshi.t and you believe every single word he says. He wants an affair with you, that's it. He doesn't want you dating or seeing anybody else but him. Hypocritical eh?

 

If you can't find the strength and desire to end it with him, then accept things as they are and just enjoy your affair with him and stop pushing for him to leave his wife and being so concerned about their marriage. Go on with YOUR life, and just make time for him when you feel you want to.

 

You post about this so much but nothing ever changes.

[whichwayisup]

I never said they mattered. Someone asked and I answered."

 

People think LS doesn't help me, but it does. Extricating yourself from a long term affair is difficult. Love Shack helps pull me out of Affairyland, where I like to live, down to real life, where I have to face the truth.

 

Just these posts today, coupled with his visit, have me thinking what could be the best way and time to end with him. As he told me today "You're in the driver's seat". I forget that, but it is true, I AM in the drivers seat.

 

Then drive away Solo! Drive away. Nothing is stopping you but "you".

 

Focus on fixing yourself, make yourself happier and being sober. And be single for a while, you're so not ready to get involved with another man. Being single allows you to grow, to be independent and self sufficient.

[cozycottagelg]

Completely off topic and unrelated to the thread, but how in the world does he get out of his house on Christmas to see you?

[whatatangledweb]

If you ask him he will say whatever he thinks you want to hear. Hell, he may even believe it. You have been on this forum long enough to see all the things MM promise and tell OW and when D day happens it almost always goes right out the window.

 

His wife and SIL were joking around. I know many older couples who say things like that while joking. They are teasing their husbands not insulting them. His wife could have brought up you for many reasons.

 

Your MM shows you who he really is over and over. That crap about the two of you drinking together. Then today would you still be his OW if you got a boyfriend. The first shows he doesn't care about your well being. You don't offer to drink with a recovering alcoholic.The second shows he is not leaving his wife and planning to be relationship with just you. He is checking to see if he can still "play" if you move on.

 

You can choose to either end it or wait for d day. I believe a d day is coming. It is when they get sloppy is when they get caught. You have control if you end it. With a d day you do not.

 

Do you want him to marry you or be exclusive to you? Is that what you are really waiting to happen so you don't end it?

[HermioneG]

I never said they mattered. Someone asked and I answered."

 

People think LS doesn't help me, but it does. Extricating yourself from a long term affair is difficult. Love Shack helps pull me out of Affairyland, where I like to live, down to real life, where I have to face the truth.

 

Just these posts today, coupled with his visit, have me thinking what could be the best way and time to end with him. As he told me today "You're in the driver's seat". I forget that, but it is true, I AM in the drivers seat.

 

Do you see that you are accepting what he tells you as true? You have no basis for this.

 

Watch actions, not words.

[Pinklotus]

His sister and brother-in-law are visiting. According to him, his sister and his wife were talking about who would want "old codgers" like MM and brother in law. Wife told sister that when MM was in hospital, he was being visited regularly by Solostand, and described me as a tall, well-dressed, attractive, younger woman.

 

That doesn't sound like your name coming up. Did he identify you? Admit who you are?

 

I'm sorry, but it sounds like you really get off on being the person who displaces an older woman (wife). This seems to be a huge ego rush for you. This makes you feel special, yet is completely bringing you down and wrecking you all at the same time.

 

And if he had transferred all of his emotional attachment to you, as you have stated, he would not still be married to and living with her. He obviously has an emotional attachment to her. He lives with her, goes out to dinner with her, enjoys family dinners and events with her. In short, they have a life together.

 

Seems like you're in this to win this, but the reality is, you will never win. Even if you get him (which seems highly improbable) you are going to be stuck with a lying, manipulative man who doesn't appreciate you. If you become his wife, you'll no longer be the other woman. And he'll have to find a new girlfriend.

 

Remember, when a mistress marries, she leaves a vacancy behind!

[solostand]

That doesn't sound like your name coming up. Did he identify you? Admit who you are?

 

She knew who I was, she knew my name already and he introduced me to her at the hospital. He did not admit I am his OW. And I didn't say they were arguing or anything, just that my name came up again.

 

I always thought I would stay in this until the pain outweighs the happiness. I'm getting very close. . .I know you people don't believe it. . .but today when he left I had the most crushing feeling in my heart. A bad feeling. Its almost like he senses I am changing because he is stepping up his game - calling more often et cetera.

 

And as for Christmas - well, AA meets every morning, even Christmas morning, at 10 a.m. and it is our cover. So he goes to an A.A. meeting (aka my place).

[A.Moscote]

I never said they mattered. Someone asked and I answered."

It should matter solo. It should influence your decision. You, or more aptly him, is playing with her life, no matter how terrible she is, it is unjust. Don't ignore that little conscience in your heart.

 

Try your best this time, you have shown a lot more clarity now. If you want to be with him, then there's always a way to work on it. You have been with him for two years, halting the affair won't diminish what you have has with him. Work on for the future relationship the right way.

 

Of course, as always, I think it is much better to endure the pain, and leave him.

[jellybean89]

That doesn't sound like your name coming up. Did he identify you? Admit who you are?

 

I'm sorry, but it sounds like you really get off on being the person who displaces an older woman (wife). This seems to be a huge ego rush for you. This makes you feel special, yet is completely bringing you down and wrecking you all at the same time.

 

And if he had transferred all of his emotional attachment to you, as you have stated, he would not still be married to and living with her. He obviously has an emotional attachment to her. He lives with her, goes out to dinner with her, enjoys family dinners and events with her. In short, they have a life together.

 

Seems like you're in this to win this, but the reality is, you will never win. Even if you get him (which seems highly improbable) you are going to be stuck with a lying, manipulative man who doesn't appreciate you. If you become his wife, you'll no longer be the other woman. And he'll have to find a new girlfriend.

 

Remember, when a mistress marries, she leaves a vacancy behind!

 

Completely agree

[Red123]

And as for Christmas - well, AA meets every morning, even Christmas morning, at 10 a.m. and it is our cover. So he goes to an A.A. meeting (aka my place).

 

Wow. I'm sorry but this guy just gets better and better. His W actually believes he is getting support with his addiction and he is with you. She is at home with family on Christmas morning probably thinking, good for him for getting support, and she herself is supporting him to do that. That kind of deceit is sick. Using something like this to have an affair is worse than him sleeping with you. The fact that these things don't bother you is concerning. When this blows up and she finds out I think it will be brutal. After everything you have seen him do to her why on earth do you want him? I'm sorry if this sounds harsh but your next.

[solostand]

I am in tears right now. Something broke in me today. MM called late this afternoon and I was short with him. Then after I hung up I just thought "what's the f ing point". I turned my phone off and hid it in the drawer. I don't intend on turning it back on, maybe late in the day tomorrow to check if there are any important messages.

 

Let him suffer for a change. This is my attempt at NC so please please wish me luck.

 

I am crying because of the futility of it all and the loss of the relationship. But my life will be so much better when this obsession with this man is gone!!!!!!!!

 

Oh how hard it is going to be but I have to take my life back in my control.

[LynnFrost]

Wishing you luck Solo. Shut off that phone and be alone with your thoughts. Maybe the answer will come to you.

[A.Moscote]

Your life will be better solo, definitely, many others have if you are still unconvinced.

 

Be patient and strong bracing through the emotions, and be careful of that certain other vice. Good luck.

[solostand]

Just sent BW an anonymous text saying your husband is having an affair with solostand and it has been going on for a long time. her number is ......

[EverySunset]

I hope you end up healthy after the dust from all this settles.....

[Redheaded Mistress]

Just sent BW an anonymous text saying your husband is having an affair with solostand and it has been going on for a long time. her number is ......

 

What are you hoping to accomplish by doing this?

[ComingInHot]

Woah boy. Okay deep breath. The exOW emailed me anon so you're already light years ahead with getting things right.

 

Advice. .. if/when she reaches out, just give her facts. Where, when, how long etc... any more than that is your truth which may or may not coincide with what he tells her when the fit hits the shan making you look crazy. (Hopefully that doesn't happen).

 

I honestly believe my H had a hand in the making of exOW's craziness. I tried very hard to offer this reasoning because of what you all here have shown in threads and debated discussions.

 

You can do this. You are doing this. I'm so sorry that you and her husband will totally destroy her world, but she'll at least know there was an A and it helps to move forward. Be kind to her. The woman who banged my h wasn't. She was malicious, cruel, and blamed me that my h dumped her before I learned of the A. You're better. Do better. Good luck*

[Lovelysweet2]

What happened for you to take such a drastic measure?

[ComingInHot]

What are you hoping to accomplish by doing this?

 

Valid question.

 

I hope after all this time, it's because she wants off this ride. This is hopefull her making a stand and allowing him an opportunity to be honest with His W, with Solostand and with himself. If he doesn't make a move, hopefully Solostand will know what she wants to do with that very important information.

 

Honesty sucks rocks when you know your are literally going to destroy a person's reality and all those involved, buut it is still good and better tban living in deceit.

 

I hope this frees Solostand no matter what happens. *

[Redheaded Mistress]

I hope she didn't do it simply because she wants out. It's like saying "I want out, but I can't do it because it's hard, so I'm going to turn your world upside down so that now it's your responsibility to keep him away from me." It seems rather... Well... Mean.

 

Honestly, looking at her story I wonder how much of it is reactionary. In her situation, putting what's happened recently into context, it sounds like she's essentially saying "I want him to end it, he's not doing it, so I'm going try to end you guys."

 

Neither of the reasons are exactly great ones.