It had nothing to do with you

[goodyblue]

Double post

Edited September 23, 2014 by goodyblue

[AmyBamy]

This is the dynamic with my guy as well. He and I are so much more compatible. We have similar hobbies and sense of humor, enjoy the same things but are still different enough to bring something to the table. I do feel, however, that his ex will become/already is a bitter, self righteous, alcoholic cat woman who will go to her grave angry. For me, that is the most difficult part. I wish she hadn't found out about me. The second she did the marriage was suddenly perfect, she was perfect, and I was the devil who had torn her family apart.

 

Pretty sad.

 

Yeah, that perfect in hindsight thing is pretty common. Someone who hasn't been happy for years is all of a sudden devastated at the loss of their perfectly happy relationship. I think it's a defense mechanism to protect their ego and their pride and it's understandable but it doesn't do much for progress or processing and changing and moving forward.

 

And, many people do try to re-establish the status quo like crazy once it is changed - WS and BS. It's human nature to want to stay with the evil you know no matter how miserable it is. Especially if putting up with that means you get to keep your financial status, social status, daily contact with your children and families and friends, church status, and on and on ad nauseum. Nobody likes to make huge changes in every aspect of there life all at once which is exactly what divorce does. So, many people sacrifice their own happiness and well being for their children or weigh it out and erroneously think that it's selfish to place their own happiness over anything else in the world.

 

All I'm saying is that as a former BS (from many years ago), I would suggest that BS take a very hard look inside also. Not that they take blame for the WS's actions (why is blame so important to some people? Do you want to be right or do you want to be happy?) but reach down deep and figure out what you can do better in a relationship. I promise you 100% that you made mistakes, did things wrong, were human and fallible and didn't always treat your spouse in a respectful/loving/considerate way. Find your own weaknesses and work on them. Find your own insecurities and flaws and better them. No need to talk about blame or take blame, just know that you aren't perfect either and the hierarchy of wrongs that you have created in your head doesn't absolve you of your own mistakes and wrongings of your WS. If you get stuck on blaming them and focusing on what's wrong with them, you will never better yourself and convince yourself that you are perfect and deserve nothing but perfection - you aren't and you don't. We are all human.

[lovinDKT3]

What a load of B.S.

 

As a parent its pure selfishness, and honestly being a bad mother that I placed my own happiness above the well being and stability of my kids when I got involved with another man.

 

This didn't fully hit me until I had to comfort my 4 year old daughter as she cried out for her daddy night after night. The guilt from that at points felt like being run over by a bus. No matter how you justify in your head, the truth is others get hurt. No amount or bad mouthing or twisting the part you played in it will change that. No matter how perfect you feel he is with you compared to her will make it better for the children involved. Sure kids will be better, but its rare that they are better off.

 

Own your sh*t.

 

BTW I tried this lame ass excuse once I had to face the fallout of my actions. I never had the stones to say it to him, but I used it to justify it to myself.

[Arieswoman]

AmyBamy,

You said ;-

 

Find your own insecurities and flaws and better them. No need to talk about blame or take blame, just know that you aren't perfect either and the hierarchy of wrongs that you have created in your head doesn't absolve you of your own mistakes and wrongings of your WS. If you get stuck on blaming them and focusing on what's wrong with them, you will never better yourself and convince yourself that you are perfect and deserve nothing but perfection - you aren't and you don't. We are all human.

 

And I would go along with some of this.

 

After I divorced my WS, I got into some therapy which enlightened me a great deal. I owned my need to be a "pleaser" and started to correct it. I learned to be more assertive and ask for what i wanted. And most important I gave myself permission to walk away from any relationship, in future, that wasn't an equal relationship.

 

Having said all this, nothing excuses my exH's decision to cheat.

 

Two years after the divorce I asked my exH to meet me. I asked him, in a non-judgemental way to tell me what I did wrong that made him cheat/want someone else. He told me that I did nothing wrong, he didn't know why he did it, that it "was not done deliberately to hurt me" and that he took total responsibility for what he did. He also said " I love her more than I ever loved you but I respect you more".

 

Confused? - Yes, so was I. I thanked him for his contribution and left before I lost my temper and punched him in the mouth. It seems he cheated and lied to me for over 7 months for no reason? Jeewizz!

 

The moral of this story is, I suppose, don't ask questions if you don't want to hear the answer.

[waterwoman]

amy - I don't disagree with you that no-one is perfect and no-one's contribution to a relationship is perfect. That is IMO fairly undeniable. And I also completely agree that for many BS on dday and for a long while after, shock and hurt may prevent some BS from acknowleding their contributions to the situation.

 

What is required is humility. And that essential quality HAS to come first from the WS - you simply cannot betray someone and while they are reeling in pain tell them it's all their own fault. If H had done that we would have been done in short order. It wasn't as if I didn't know things weren't 100%, it was simply that there was no way I could address that at that point. H was hugely sorry immediately - my pain took his breath away - true remorse came later when he managed to see the whole picture and got a full realisation of how much damage he had done. He never said 'it was your fault', he took all the blame. I instantly blamed myself of course, that is my nature sadly, but with time we reached an equilibrium where we were able to look back a little more calmly and see, over the history of our long relationship, where things had gone wrong and where they had gone right, all the little twists and turns that has lead us to where we were at that point. We were fortunate that ours was a marriage founded on strength in the first place. But IMO the WS has to offer humility in the first instance or there IS no healing.

[jnel921]

Of course it had something to do with me. Love should have brought your A$$ home!!!!!

[nightmare01]

Yeah, that perfect in hindsight thing is pretty common. Someone who hasn't been happy for years is all of a sudden devastated at the loss of their perfectly happy relationship. I think it's a defense mechanism to protect their ego and their pride and it's understandable but it doesn't do much for progress or processing and changing and moving forward.

 

[...]

 

All I'm saying is that as a former BS (from many years ago), I would suggest that BS take a very hard look inside also. Not that they take blame for the WS's actions (why is blame so important to some people? Do you want to be right or do you want to be happy?) but reach down deep and figure out what you can do better in a relationship. I promise you 100% that you made mistakes, did things wrong, were human and fallible and didn't always treat your spouse in a respectful/loving/considerate way. Find your own weaknesses and work on them. Find your own insecurities and flaws and better them. No need to talk about blame or take blame, just know that you aren't perfect either and the hierarchy of wrongs that you have created in your head doesn't absolve you of your own mistakes and wrongings of your WS. If you get stuck on blaming them and focusing on what's wrong with them, you will never better yourself and convince yourself that you are perfect and deserve nothing but perfection - you aren't and you don't. We are all human.

 

I don't believe in perfect relationships. There isn't a relationship out there where both people are blissfully happy all the time. BOTH partners make mistakes, and that is the crux of my opinion on this.

 

At about the time of when my WW's EA (that would eventually become a PA) started, we were at the 12 year mark in our M. We had 2 young children, we both had careers (mine was more demanding than hers was though), and we both had long commutes to work. WW would go into work very early every day so she could get off early and take care of our kids in the evening. I would go into work later, giving me time to get them up, dressed, fed, and to school, I would then work late into the evening. Usually by the time I got home WW was asleep. While this schedule worked fine with handling the kids, WW and I didn't see much of each other during the week.

 

Neither of us was happy in this situation, but we really didn't see anyway we could change it.

 

Since WW was asleep by the time I got home, I would work even later so that I would not have to work over the weekend (I had a very demanding job). So my solution for our problem was to spend as much time as possible with WW on the weekend. On those weekends we would have a date night and do something fun with each other. This was hard to do because WW was generally pissed off all the time over my working so much. The more I tried to connect with her the more she pushed me away. Over time WW became increasingly distant.

 

About this time WW met OM at her work. He played the "oh poor you" and "your husband is so mean to you" cards. He basically said what she wanted to hear and their EA started. The closer they got, the more distance WW put between her and I.

 

During that time I recognized that we were having problems, and I upped my efforts to connect with WW. Those efforts would at times enrage WW. She would get so angry she would scream and throw things at me at home. I had no idea what to do.

 

So we were BOTH unhappy, and following the argument that the relationship dynamic plays a large role in how affairs start, we BOTH were susceptible to having affairs. So why didn't we BOTH have affairs?

 

It seems to me that the difference was how we reacted to the stress in our marriage. I saw the problem and strove to fix the problems by turning toward her. I tried to increase the amount of time I was with her and do more things together. WW responding to stress by turning toward her OM and started her LTA.

 

Later I changed jobs so that I would be home more, but by then WW's LTA had turned into a "romantic love affair" (EA&PA). I think that any changes I made by this time really made no difference. She was in love with OM and I really didn't matter. If anything I was a nuisance because I stood between her and OM. She resented every attempted I made to get closer to her.

 

After Dday I asked WW about this period of time. Why didn't anything I did work, why didn't she drop OM for me once I made these changes? She said she was more in love with him then. I then asked, why didn't she D me and go be with her OM? She seemed shocked at this idea and replied, that she couldn't be with OM... because he was a CHEATER.

 

I probably looked like a deer in the headlights when she said that. That statement still baffles me.

 

The point of all this is that it really wasn't the relationship dynamic that drove WW's LTA. Instead it was her coping mechanism for stress.

 

Stress occurs in every relationship. At some point people are going to get upset with each other. It's how that anger is handled that makes the difference.

[katielee]

I don't get how ppl in an affair think they have a great dynamic or have met their soulmate. How is that relationship even real?

[JamesM]

I don't get how ppl in an affair think they have a great dynamic or have met their soulmate. How is that relationship even real?

 

The "affair fog" clouds the vision and the mind in most cases. In a small minority, it is actually true.

[goodyblue]

I don't get how ppl in an affair think they have a great dynamic or have met their soulmate. How is that relationship even real?

 

Because it IS a real relationship. It has all the components of any relationship, but runs parallel to another, sometimes unsatisfying, relationship. I Don't know about anyone else but for us, when we finally made the decision to cross that line it was game on. We made a plan to be together in a monogamous relationship, got the ball rolling and executed the plans we made. We are both monogamous people, was a first transgression for both of us (him after being married nearly 30 years) and when we have full trust in one another. I don't believe in soulmates but I most certainly believe in compatibility. We are just way WAY more compatible than he was with his ex wife. We didn't start out life together but we are definitely ending up together. I realize this is not what happens most of the time but this was our experience. We have been in an open,loving relationship for some time now and we are happy, as excited about one another as we always have been. It is just a relationship like any other.

[thirtysomethingteen]

I think I stand pretty neutral on this issue because I've been on both sides of it (even though I've never cheated). When I found out about my husband's affairs 4 years ago this single line made me want to run him over with my car: "I didn't go looking for it." At the time I thought it was the single most disgusting and callous thing a WS could ever say.

 

Now I totally get it. I'm not excusing infidelity at all because there is always a choice as to whether to cross the line, but sometimes you really do "find" someone you were never looking for in the first place. I certainly didn't go looking for the MM that I currently have feelings for (that I am trying to fight through). I didn't meet him at a bar or some other "pick up" place but rather in a completely innocent setting and I still don't know where the hell the chemistry between us came from.

 

Life is not black and white and those who are unfaithful are not always evil; my husband isn't. But I do understand how expressions like "it wasn't about you" are so painful and inexplicable to a BS.

 

To those that are hurting, please don't lose faith. One day the anger and hurt will fade (trust me, no one was more bitter than I was) and it will be replaced with clarity and compassion...even to those who have cheated. Very often they are far more broken inside than even their newly BS is.

[DKT3]

I think I stand pretty neutral on this issue because I've been on both sides of it (even though I've never cheated). When I found out about my husband's affairs 4 years ago this single line made me want to run him over with my car: "I didn't go looking for it." At the time I thought it was the single most disgusting and callous thing a WS could ever say.

 

Now I totally get it. I'm not excusing infidelity at all because there is always a choice as to whether to cross the line, but sometimes you really do "find" someone you were never looking for in the first place. I certainly didn't go looking for the MM that I currently have feelings for (that I am trying to fight through). I didn't meet him at a bar or some other "pick up" place but rather in a completely innocent setting and I still don't know where the hell the chemistry between us came from.

 

Life is not black and white and those who are unfaithful are not always evil; my husband isn't. But I do understand how expressions like "it wasn't about you" are so painful and inexplicable to a BS.

 

To those that are hurting, please don't lose faith. One day the anger and hurt will fade (trust me, no one was more bitter than I was) and it will be replaced with clarity and compassion...even to those who have cheated. Very often they are far more broken inside than even their newly BS is.

 

Things like this don't "just happen" you make them happen by making decisions along the way. Texting when you shouldn't, making up reason to engage that person etc. At any point along that road toward infidelity one can stop and say no, I respect my marriage, my spouse and myself too much to continue. Instead they choose the ego nibbles and the giddy feeling of a new relationship. We are not mindless animals held hostage by urges, or victims. We are all products of our decisions and actions.

[thirtysomethingteen]

Things like this don't "just happen" you make them happen by making decisions along the way. Texting when you shouldn't, making up reason to engage that person etc. At any point along that road toward infidelity one can stop and say no, I respect my marriage, my spouse and myself too much to continue. Instead they choose the ego nibbles and the giddy feeling of a new relationship. We are not mindless animals held hostage by urges, or victims. We are all products of our decisions and actions.

 

No argument from me.

 

Not proud of this, but I was having a crappy morning at work one day so I manufactured an excuse to email the MM - he sent a cute response and it made my morning. Not right though, I could have emailed my own husband and he would have cheered me up. I am trying to make better choices and not "stoke the fire."

[katielee]

No argument from me.

 

Not proud of this, but I was having a crappy morning at work one day so I manufactured an excuse to email the MM - he sent a cute response and it made my morning. Not right though, I could have emailed my own husband and he would have cheered me up. I am trying to make better choices and not "stoke the fire."

 

back off the slippery slope honey, if only for your own sake. What do you value? would continuing this in any way honor yourself?

Can you go to your husband with this?

[AmyBamy]

I don't believe in perfect relationships. There isn't a relationship out there where both people are blissfully happy all the time. BOTH partners make mistakes, and that is the crux of my opinion on this.

 

At about the time of when my WW's EA (that would eventually become a PA) started, we were at the 12 year mark in our M. We had 2 young children, we both had careers (mine was more demanding than hers was though), and we both had long commutes to work. WW would go into work very early every day so she could get off early and take care of our kids in the evening. I would go into work later, giving me time to get them up, dressed, fed, and to school, I would then work late into the evening. Usually by the time I got home WW was asleep. While this schedule worked fine with handling the kids, WW and I didn't see much of each other during the week.

 

Neither of us was happy in this situation, but we really didn't see anyway we could change it.

 

Since WW was asleep by the time I got home, I would work even later so that I would not have to work over the weekend (I had a very demanding job). So my solution for our problem was to spend as much time as possible with WW on the weekend. On those weekends we would have a date night and do something fun with each other. This was hard to do because WW was generally pissed off all the time over my working so much. The more I tried to connect with her the more she pushed me away. Over time WW became increasingly distant.

 

About this time WW met OM at her work. He played the "oh poor you" and "your husband is so mean to you" cards. He basically said what she wanted to hear and their EA started. The closer they got, the more distance WW put between her and I.

 

During that time I recognized that we were having problems, and I upped my efforts to connect with WW. Those efforts would at times enrage WW. She would get so angry she would scream and throw things at me at home. I had no idea what to do.

 

So we were BOTH unhappy, and following the argument that the relationship dynamic plays a large role in how affairs start, we BOTH were susceptible to having affairs. So why didn't we BOTH have affairs?

 

It seems to me that the difference was how we reacted to the stress in our marriage. I saw the problem and strove to fix the problems by turning toward her. I tried to increase the amount of time I was with her and do more things together. WW responding to stress by turning toward her OM and started her LTA.

 

Later I changed jobs so that I would be home more, but by then WW's LTA had turned into a "romantic love affair" (EA&PA). I think that any changes I made by this time really made no difference. She was in love with OM and I really didn't matter. If anything I was a nuisance because I stood between her and OM. She resented every attempted I made to get closer to her.

 

After Dday I asked WW about this period of time. Why didn't anything I did work, why didn't she drop OM for me once I made these changes? She said she was more in love with him then. I then asked, why didn't she D me and go be with her OM? She seemed shocked at this idea and replied, that she couldn't be with OM... because he was a CHEATER.

 

I probably looked like a deer in the headlights when she said that. That statement still baffles me.

 

The point of all this is that it really wasn't the relationship dynamic that drove WW's LTA. Instead it was her coping mechanism for stress.

 

Stress occurs in every relationship. At some point people are going to get upset with each other. It's how that anger is handled that makes the difference.

 

There is a huge difference between "people get upset at each other" and being miserable for year after year after year. It's about weighing things out and trying to salvage some of all of the very important things that are involved in a legal relationship while knowing that the relationship itself is never going to work. It's not, "she didn't squeeze the toothpaste right once two weeks ago, I'm having an affair". Obviously, those people have an issue. But being treated badly for years, in many cases 20 or more, wears you down, it's a constant stressor along with the fact that you are aware that if that relationship won't work, you will lose a million other things because it didn't work - your kids, your house, financial status, friends, family, social status. Not to mention, feeling like a failure because a marriage didn't work out because even in the states with the divorce rate high, it is still highly stigmatized, especially in particularly religious areas.

 

Whenever this comes up people love to say, "but all couples fight". Yes, they do. People don't normally run out and have an affair because someone forgot to pick up milk once or twice or even a thousand times, and acting as if it's one or the other - a perfect marriage or the WS has zero coping skills - is ridiculous. You can only wear people down so much before they look for a way out, and divorce just is not going to be the first option for most people, period. There are a whole lot of levels in between perfect marriage and misery - not just two options there.

[gettingstronger]

You can only wear people down so much before they look for a way out, and divorce just is not going to be the first option for most people, period.

 

 

?- an affair is the cowards way out- looking for that soft landing and finding someone new because they lack the emotional intelligence to be on their own-

[goodyblue]

You can only wear people down so much before they look for a way out, and divorce just is not going to be the first option for most people, period.

 

 

?- an affair is the cowards way out- looking for that soft landing and finding someone new because they lack the emotional intelligence to be on their own-

 

I do not think that it is a lack of emotional intelligence. We grew closer as friends and began to realize what was happening with us. I think it helped my guy wake up to how he was being treated, how miserable he really was. I don't think my guy would have left if we had not had an affair because he felt it was his duty to tough it out no matter how bad it was. Even now he once in a while will hear something about his ex, tell me about it and say how grateful he is to be out of that situation. His parents, children, associates and friends very often comment on how much happier he is, how comfortable in his life he seems, since he left. They remark that he is back to being the person he used to be. I have asked a lot of my guy... I have several small children and his are grown. To ask a man in his early fifties to embark on that alone is a lot. But he is happy to do it. He loves my kids. We do so many fun things and are truly just enjoying life. Be has a deep connection with us, we are a family. He is happy. He deserves to be. And if having me be part of his life in order to wake him up and put a fire under him to leave a miserable partner is what it took, I am fine with that.

[nightmare01]

We grew closer as friends and began to realize what was happening with us. I think it helped my guy wake up to how he was being treated, how miserable he really was. I don't think my guy would have left if we had not had an affair because he felt it was his duty to tough it out no matter how bad it was.

 

I have seen many AP/WS claim their BS was horrible terrible and very bad AFTER the affair starts. Frankly I believe this to be a self delusion used to justify their actions.

 

Case in point. My WW told her OM that I was abusive. That I hit her, belittled her, threw things, and screamed at her and our kids. She even said I raped her once. The truth is that NONE of that happened. I have never raised a hand to her. I encouraged her to do more and expand her horizons - that's what she called belittling. SHE is the one that would scream whenever we argued, I have raised my voice during an argument but only to try and get a word in as she was going off the deep end. Our kids always came to me with their problems, why would they do that if I screamed at them all the time? And I never ever raped her, I feel that is a horribly vile thing to accuse someone of.

 

For example, on our 15th anniversary I bought tickets for a trip to Italy for us both. I secretly arranged for her sister to look after our kids. She had always wanted to go to Italy, so I thought this surprise trip would be a great gift. It was to be a romantic week in Florence and Rome for us both. When I presented the tickets to WW she got angry and told me I was trying to control her and everything she did.

 

I later found out that she listed my purchasing tickets for this vacation as another abuse when she talked to her OM. OM of course agreed with her and encouraged her to feel as she did. IMO he did this because he was the one that was actually trying to control her. If she went on that vacation with me then she would be beyond his reach, and she might actually see that I'm not such a bad guy after all.

 

I think these things she said to her OM just to keep his attention coming.

 

There is a huge difference between "people get upset at each other" and being miserable for year after year after year.

 

The point I wanted to get across in my previous post is that almost always BOTH partners are miserable for years, and only one has an affair. The reason for the misery is not as trivial squeezing the toothpaste wrong, or not buying milk. These are deep seeded issues, conflicts in personality, different life goals, different priorities .. things like that.

 

I was miserable in my M, and I knew she was too. At times she was horrible to be around. But there are a lot of other, less destructive choices that can be made in this situation other than having an affair. Marriage counseling probably would be a good first choice. If your spouse doesn't want to do that then you can persuade them by issuing an ultimatum, counseling or separation or divorce.

 

So my point is that it isn't your BS's fault that you cheated. You chose to do that rather than seek counseling, or separate, or if all else fails divorce.

[merrmeade]

I then asked, why didn't she D me and go be with her OM? She seemed shocked at this idea and replied, that she couldn't be with OM... because he was a CHEATER.

 

I probably looked like a deer in the headlights when she said that. That statement still baffles me.

 

The point of all this is that it really wasn't the relationship dynamic that drove WW's LTA. Instead it was her coping mechanism for stress.

Good one (cheating WS calling OM a cheater). Here's a similar pot-calling-the-skillet-black story: The 2-3 times I've asked my H about why he "broke up" with his first AP he said, "She was a slut. She'd started sleeping with other people just to get ahead." I swear I've tried every which way to ask, point out, explain the absolute absurdity of that reaction and ask him if he wasn't aware of the freaking contradiction then. He just blinks.

 

Nothing to do with me. Nothing.

Edited September 24, 2014 by merrmeade

[nightmare01]

Good one (cheating WS calling OM a cheater). Here's a similar pot-calling-the-skillet-black story: The 2-3 times I've asked my H about why he "broke up" with his first AP he said, "She was a slut. She'd started sleeping with other people just to get ahead." I swear I've tried every which way to ask, point out, explain the absolute absurdity of that reaction and ask him if he wasn't aware of the freaking contradiction then. He just blinks.

 

Nothing to do with me. Nothing.

 

That is a funny story... but also it shows the level of delusion that is going on inside the head of a WS.

[goodyblue]

I have seen many AP/WS claim their BS was horrible terrible and very bad AFTER the affair starts. Frankly I believe this to be a self delusion used to justify their actions.

 

Case in point. My WW told her OM that I was abusive. That I hit her, belittled her, threw things, and screamed at her and our kids. She even said I raped her once. The truth is that NONE of that happened. I have never raised a hand to her. I encouraged her to do more and expand her horizons - that's what she called belittling. SHE is the one that would scream whenever we argued, I have raised my voice during an argument but only to try and get a word in as she was going off the deep end. Our kids always came to me with their problems, why would they do that if I screamed at them all the time? And I never ever raped her, I feel that is a horribly vile thing to accuse someone of.

 

For example, on our 15th anniversary I bought tickets for a trip to Italy for us both. I secretly arranged for her sister to look after our kids. She had always wanted to go to Italy, so I thought this surprise trip would be a great gift. It was to be a romantic week in Florence and Rome for us both. When I presented the tickets to WW she got angry and told me I was trying to control her and everything she did.

 

I later found out that she listed my purchasing tickets for this vacation as another abuse when she talked to her OM. OM of course agreed with her and encouraged her to feel as she did. IMO he did this because he was the one that was actually trying to control her. If she went on that vacation with me then she would be beyond his reach, and she might actually see that I'm not such a bad guy after all.

 

I think these things she said to her OM just to keep his attention coming.

 

 

 

The point I wanted to get across in my previous post is that almost always BOTH partners are miserable for years, and only one has an affair. The reason for the misery is not as trivial squeezing the toothpaste wrong, or not buying milk. These are deep seeded issues, conflicts in personality, different life goals, different priorities .. things like that.

 

I was miserable in my M, and I knew she was too. At times she was horrible to be around. But there are a lot of other, less destructive choices that can be made in this situation other than having an affair. Marriage counseling probably would be a good first choice. If your spouse doesn't want to do that then you can persuade them by issuing an ultimatum, counseling or separation or divorce.

 

So my point is that it isn't your BS's fault that you cheated. You chose to do that rather than seek counseling, or separate, or if all else fails divorce.

 

I am sure there are times when ws lies to ap. That was not the case with us, everything he said about her she admits to. But I do agree that other avenues would have been better. An affair would not have been my first choice, it was short and he got out. And the truth is he was downtrodden and would not have left on his own. She would never have left because she liked the lifestyle he afforded her. Having said that we have done what we can to make our relationship strong with counseling, living apart and just dating, allowing him to be on his own, him being generous in the divorce and so on.

 

But... he never said anything about her that was not the truth.

[2sunny]

I don't think it had anything to do with me.

 

We were having a blast within our M. Then H participated like he was grateful and thrilled to be with me.

 

 

And he goes to view some property in an area further away and ends up in an affair with the real estate gal? I doubt THAT had anything to do with me. My H forgot to tell me he wanted random sex partners while pretending to be a great husband and father...

 

 

It has more to do with HIS lack of morals and lack of character.

[nightmare01]

I am sure there are times when ws lies to ap. That was not the case with us, everything he said about her she admits to. But I do agree that other avenues would have been better. An affair would not have been my first choice, it was short and he got out. And the truth is he was downtrodden and would not have left on his own. She would never have left because she liked the lifestyle he afforded her. Having said that we have done what we can to make our relationship strong with counseling, living apart and just dating, allowing him to be on his own, him being generous in the divorce and so on.

 

But... he never said anything about her that was not the truth.

 

It's good that the BW admitted to her mistakes in the M, and her part in its failure. Has the WH admitted to his mistakes? or was he somehow perfect?

 

Both people in a M contribute to its failure or success. No one is without fault. In my case I would say our M problems prior to her LTA were shared between us 50-50. The problems that started after the LTA began I lay mostly on her, because by then she was looking to find fault in everything I did.

 

Also, remember that truth as we know it is always subjective.

 

I don't think it had anything to do with me.

 

We were having a blast within our M. Then H participated like he was grateful and thrilled to be with me.

 

And he goes to view some property in an area further away and ends up in an affair with the real estate gal? I doubt THAT had anything to do with me. My H forgot to tell me he wanted random sex partners while pretending to be a great husband and father...

 

It has more to do with HIS lack of morals and lack of character.

 

Not this is interesting. I keep a loose track of what OM is doing. A few years back he became a realtor. This guy, according to both my WW and his BW, is a serial cheater. So I guess his new career will suit his cheating ways...

 

I've actually thought of making comments on his web page and through reviews, making comments that warn people of his propensity for cheating. Some people should come with warning labels.

[goodyblue]

It's good that the BW admitted to her mistakes in the M, and her part in its failure. Has the WH admitted to his mistakes? or was he somehow perfect?

 

Both people in a M contribute to its failure or success. No one is without fault. In my case I would say our M problems prior to her LTA were shared between us 50-50. The problems that started after the LTA began I lay mostly on her, because by then she was looking to find fault in everything I did.

 

Also, remember that truth as we know it is always subjective.

 

 

 

Not this is interesting. I keep a loose track of what OM is doing. A few years back he became a realtor. This guy, according to both my WW and his BW, is a serial cheater. So I guess his new career will suit his cheating ways...

 

I've actually thought of making comments on his web page and through reviews, making comments that warn people of his propensity for cheating. Some people should come with warning labels.

 

He was not a saint. But he also wasn't an alcoholic that refused sex with his spouse for twelve years, as she did.

 

She admitted to her failings in email at the very beginning and then when she realized he was not coming back she blamed the affair for everything, saying the marriage was fine. Rewriting history.

[nightmare01]

He was not a saint. But he also wasn't an alcoholic that refused sex with his spouse for twelve years, as she did.

 

She admitted to her failings in email at the very beginning and then when she realized he was not coming back she blamed the affair for everything, saying the marriage was fine. Rewriting history.

 

I think there's a lot of rewriting history that goes on with both sides.

 

It's true that some people get into marriages that they should not have. Addicts, serial cheaters, gamblers, etc. We all tend to put our best faces on when courting, after the M our true selves become increasingly apparent.

 

I maintain though that having an exit affair is not a good way to leave a marriage. That's like dropping a nuclear bomb into the high crime area of your city. It just creates so much damage for everyone involved.