Becoming more picky about looks?

[somedude81]

Well somedude81, take this post as from someone who is rooting for you to do well. As I said before, I struggled....

 

Here's the thing though. People give advice to you (and to other people) not only based on your specific question, but on their impression of you, going by your other posts as well. We just cannot separate that.

 

In posts #151 and #152 of this thread (page 11) you were quoted as saying that you needed a payoff to talk to people, and that you wouldn't hang out with someone unless sex is in the cards. That sounds to *me* anyway that you don't value connections with other people unless it leads to something sexual/romantic happening. It's why I suggested that you were "sullen" with people around you. Far as any of us knows you might not be. Maybe you meant something different by it?

 

I didn't know what sullen meant so I looked it up

 

"Bad-tempered and sulky; gloomy."

 

Can you see why I am offended when you suggested I was sullen?

 

Do you believe that if I am acting sullenly in a room full of people, that any of the women there would want to talk to me?

 

How do you think I actually behave when I'm with other people? Do you truly think that I'm cold and rude to anybody that doesn't have a nice pair of boobs?

 

There's an interesting chicken-and-egg thing going on. People get frustrated because they feel that, after you ask for advice, that you are ignoring their suggestions or insisting "it won't work", and doing the same thing over and over again. You saw this on your last thread. You, I am going to guess, get frustrated with the advice you get on here because you feel that you've already tried a version of it and it hasn't worked.

 

Yes, I've tried the vast majority of advice I've been given. Primarily advice such as "make friends" is something that I've heard a thousand times and have already spent over a decade of my life trying. People seem to forget that I'm 33 years old and have already tried many things to improve my situation.

 

I dislike generic catch-all advice. In the rare occasion where I'm given specific advice to my situation, I am very grateful.

 

Granted, making friends with a girl you want more with and hoping it turns to more (either at the onset or a few months into the "friendship") is a poor strategy.

 

Yes, it's a very poor strategy and why I keep saying that I have no interest in making friends with girls I'm interested in. Yet people keep insisting that I do so.

 

We've told you that already though, and told you to take your move sooner.

 

And I'm taking that advice to heart. My goal was to make some sort of move with the girl in my dance class next week. Then she pulled the run away stunt which I'm still trying to figure out how to handle.

 

Unfortunately that's how my life has been. I think I'm getting close to a girl, making progress with her, and then some form of bullsh*t happens. Every time. I feel like I'm fighting against the universe. The one time I actually win and get a girlfriend, she randomly dumps me after six months for reasons that have absolutely nothing to do with me; or putting it another way, there was nothing I could have done differently to get her to stay.

 

Why is trying to get and keep a girlfriend such a struggle? Is it like that for everybody?

 

And I for one am not going to peddle hard the idea that you try to "hang out" with the guys you see on campus--too much of an age gap.

 

My thoughts exactly.

 

If you really want to get to dating, you could revise your OLD profile as we suggested in one of your threads and if you target the "average" girls, you'd be getting dates. That's such low-hanging fruit but you never ended up doing that.

 

Once I graduate and start working I"ll do OLD. Right now OLD just throws up all my flaws front and center. Any woman looking at my profile is going to see: 33 years old, 5'6, student, unemployed.

 

I'm going to believe that girls in person are less picky about height, so it's not an issue, nobody can tell my age (You'll just have to trust me on that) and of course I'm a student. So in real life, all my glaring flaws from OLD are much less relevant.

 

Anyway getting back to specific advice, suggest next class you and the girl you have your eye on in surfing class get together to surf. Either she says yes or you can forget her. Sounds like you have a lot on your plate this semester anyway. Good luck!

 

Yes, I will ask her once and then move on to the next girl if she says no.

 

Thank you for the well wishes.

[somedude81]

Thats the one.

 

Im just not really sure what you are after.. you are overthinking far too much. You analyse every action and every word. Less thinking and more doing is what I say. It's something that should be enjoyable, and frankly if you don't want to get to know people unless there is a payoff, you're going to struggle finding a partner with that attitude. You're thinking of these experiences as a waste of time because you didn't get "laid" but they're not.

 

It's hard to have fun when you keep losing.

 

I also have pretty severe depression so I perceive a loss as much worse than the average person.

 

Trying to succeed in life through trial and error is extremely frustrating. Rarely do I actually get lucky, and when I do the luck only lasts so long.

[IttyBittyKitty]

I didn't know what sullen meant so I looked it up

 

"Bad-tempered and sulky; gloomy."

 

Can you see why I am offended when you suggested I was sullen?

 

Do you believe that if I am acting sullenly in a room full of people, that any of the women there would want to talk to me?

 

How do you think I actually behave when I'm with other people? Do you truly think that I'm cold and rude to anybody that doesn't have a nice pair of boobs?

 

 

 

Yes, I've tried the vast majority of advice I've been given. Primarily advice such as "make friends" is something that I've heard a thousand times and have already spent over a decade of my life trying. People seem to forget that I'm 33 years old and have already tried many things to improve my situation.

 

I dislike generic catch-all advice. In the rare occasion where I'm given specific advice to my situation, I am very grateful.

 

 

 

Yes, it's a very poor strategy and why I keep saying that I have no interest in making friends with girls I'm interested in. Yet people keep insisting that I do so.

 

 

 

And I'm taking that advice to heart. My goal was to make some sort of move with the girl in my dance class next week. Then she pulled the run away stunt which I'm still trying to figure out how to handle.

 

Unfortunately that's how my life has been. I think I'm getting close to a girl, making progress with her, and then some form of bullsh*t happens. Every time. I feel like I'm fighting against the universe. The one time I actually win and get a girlfriend, she randomly dumps me after six months for reasons that have absolutely nothing to do with me; or putting it another way, there was nothing I could have done differently to get her to stay.

 

Why is trying to get and keep a girlfriend such a struggle? Is it like that for everybody?

 

 

 

My thoughts exactly.

 

 

 

Once I graduate and start working I"ll do OLD. Right now OLD just throws up all my flaws front and center. Any woman looking at my profile is going to see: 33 years old, 5'6, student, unemployed.

 

I'm going to believe that girls in person are less picky about height, so it's not an issue, nobody can tell my age (You'll just have to trust me on that) and of course I'm a student. So in real life, all my glaring flaws from OLD are much less relevant.

 

 

 

Yes, I will ask her once and then move on to the next girl if she says no.

 

Thank you for the well wishes.

 

To be fair, nobody here knows you irl (as you yourself have pointed out), so it's hard to give specific advice when all anybody knows is how you portray yourself here which i don't know you all that well so i can't say. I think you should try to appreciate what people are saying to you more even if you've heard it before. Everyones just trying to be nice.

 

And for the record, the things you think are flaws aren't flaws to everyone. When I think of a 33 yo student I think of someone whos trying to better himself and also like i said earlier i am 5'2 so you'd still tower over me. I prefer guys your height. It only takes one girl to like you. Its hard for everyone to meet people. You just have to keep trying and maybe work on how you approach women.

 

Your teasy line when you said you didn't want that girl as a dance partner i think was a little immature. It would have probably gone over better if you'd made it more self deprecating and turned it around on yourself. Like maybe if you had said you're sorry she got stuck with you as a partner instead of that you were stuck with her, if that makes sense.

[somedude81]

To be fair, nobody here knows you irl (as you yourself have pointed out), so it's hard to give specific advice when all anybody knows is how you portray yourself here which i don't know you all that well so i can't say. I think you should try to appreciate what people are saying to you more even if you've heard it before. Everyones just trying to be nice.

 

And for the record, the things you think are flaws aren't flaws to everyone. When I think of a 33 yo student I think of someone whos trying to better himself and also like i said earlier i am 5'2 so you'd still tower over me. I prefer guys your height. It only takes one girl to like you. Its hard for everyone to meet people. You just have to keep trying and maybe work on how you approach women.

 

Your teasy line when you said you didn't want that girl as a dance partner i think was a little immature. It would have probably gone over better if you'd made it more self deprecating and turned it around on yourself. Like maybe if you had said you're sorry she got stuck with you as a partner instead of that you were stuck with her, if that makes sense.

 

I was just trying to tease her because I think that I'm being super obvious to that I'm into her. Saying something like "sorry you're stuck with me again" is just approval seeking and reeks of low confidence. I want her to think that I'm a high confidence guy who isn't afraid to make fun of her and that I don't believe that she is above me on a pedestal.

 

My ultimate goal is to attract her and make her more interested in me.

 

BTW, thank you for saying that you don't believe my flaws are actual flaws.

[IttyBittyKitty]

I was just trying to tease her because I think that I'm being super obvious to that I'm into her. Saying something like "sorry you're stuck with me again" is just approval seeking and reeks of low confidence. I want her to think that I'm a high confidence guy who isn't afraid to make fun of her and that I don't believe that she is above me on a pedestal.

 

My ultimate goal is to attract her and make her more interested in me.

 

BTW, thank you for saying that you don't believe my flaws are actual flaws.

 

They're not flaws to everyone, and like i said, it only takes one. Its not like you're going to be in a relationship with multiple women at a time right? Well finding the one is like finding a needle in a haystack and its like that for everyone. Just relax and take your time!

 

I think you're overthinking the whole low confidence thing. I like a guy who can make fun of himself more than a guy who makes fun of me.

 

I think you're gonna be just fine somedude81!

[Teknoe]

Yes, I've tried the vast majority of advice I've been given. Primarily advice such as "make friends" is something that I've heard a thousand times and have already spent over a decade of my life trying. People seem to forget that I'm 33 years old and have already tried many things to improve my situation.

 

When was the last time you genuinely tried making male friends though?

 

Sure, you tried before, but WHEN?

 

Last week... or 2009?

 

It's one thing if you've been trying over and over again for years and years on end with no avail, but it's entirely another if you gave it a half-hearted attempt 5-8 years ago.

 

Of course, you can come back with "I tried just last month/year" (to which I would want to know what you did in that attempt to make male friends so I can understand your situation better) or "I don't need to get into specifics to prove anything to anyone."

 

Doing that (not answering specific questions with specific answers) only makes it seem more like you haven't really tried. Of course, irl maybe you have. But we can only form thoughts of you here based on what you write and how you respond to certain questions.

[somedude81]

This is the last time I'm going to ask.

 

Please do not mention making male friends again in this thread.

[Weezy1973]

My specific advice would be for you to stop focusing on superficial qualities and instead get to know women first on a "deeper" level. In other words, getting pickier about looks is the opposite of what you should be doing. If you were a good looking guy, this advice might not apply as much as like attracts like.

 

But you're an average to below average looking guy and therefore are way more likely to pair up with an average to below average looking girl. That's just the way it goes. What would help is if your attraction to women wasn't so tied up in looks.

[somedude81]

My specific advice would be for you to stop focusing on superficial qualities and instead get to know women first on a "deeper" level. In other words, getting pickier about looks is the opposite of what you should be doing. If you were a good looking guy, this advice might not apply as much as like attracts like.

 

But you're an average to below average looking guy and therefore are way more likely to pair up with an average to below average looking girl. That's just the way it goes. What would help is if your attraction to women wasn't so tied up in looks.

 

What do you mean on a deeper level?

 

Is this before or after I ask them out?

[Teknoe]

This is the last time I'm going to ask.

 

Please do not mention making male friends again in this thread.

 

As you wish, SD. Similarly, I have a request for you as well.

 

Please do not ask why it is that you're perceived the way that you are on LoveShack.

 

Because the answer to that question was answered by you yourself.

 

Not answering specific questions with specific answers only makes it seem like you haven't really tried. We can only form thoughts of you here based on what you write and how you respond to certain questions.

 

 

On a final note, here's some food for thought. For most girls, a close-minded guy is a HUGE turn-off. If your next dating partner were to ask you about male friends, would you brush her off, too? Or would you give her a legit, honest answer?

 

It might be good practice for you to get your thoughts down by writing them here as though LoveShack was your girlfriend. i.e. do some roleplaying. Be prepared for that moment. I can assure you that unless you date a fellow loner in the future, at some point the topic will be brought up, and I hope you would have a legit answer for her other than "I'm not going to talk about that and that's that." Because if you answer to her that way, she is going to leave you fast.

 

Hope this food for thought helps you to formulate some thoughts.

[somedude81]

I am always open and honest when a girl I'm interested in asks me questions about myself.

[serial muse]

It appears, in the quoted posting below, that the OP has both had many friends in his life and, apparently in contrast to your assertions, the only other time the word 'shy' was mentioned in this thread, was thus:

 

http://www.loveshack.org/forums/transitioning/search/493848-becoming-more-picky-about-looks#post5902291

 

"I've had many many platonic female friends in my life. From 18 to 31, all my interactions with women were nothing beyond the friendship level. Before 18, I was simply too shy to talk to girls."

 

 

Well, those platonic female friends were nothing of the kind - he has also said that he was "friends" with them in the sense that he hoped it would turn into something more. Sure, he's cutting out the middle man now, by not even trying to befriend them on the path to more. But they were never friendships for the sake of friendship. So, I stand by my assertion.

 

He made no mention in this thread of refusing to date or have contact with shy women. He did mention that before 18 *he* was too shy to talk to girls.

 

He has certainly said that he has difficulty with shy women, in that they are less likely to indicate interest and that, for him, is too difficult to interpret. If you read my post carefully, you'll note that I did not say that somedude would refuse to date a woman who's shy (or refuse to have contact with them). Those are not words I used. I simply said that he won't date them. Why? Because they're too much work.

 

And he himself has also acknowledged that he believes that friendship is a natural state for women but not so much for men. I find it hard to believe that anyone, man or woman, would support him in that way of thinking.

[thefooloftheyear]

Well, those platonic female friends were nothing of the kind - he has also said that he was "friends" with them in the sense that he hoped it would turn into something more. Sure, he's cutting out the middle man now, by not even trying to befriend them on the path to more. But they were never friendships for the sake of friendship. So, I stand by my assertion.

 

 

 

He has certainly said that he has difficulty with shy women, in that they are less likely to indicate interest and that, for him, is too difficult to interpret. If you read my post carefully, you'll note that I did not say that somedude would refuse to date a woman who's shy (or refuse to have contact with them). Those are not words I used. I simply said that he won't date them. Why? Because they're too much work.

 

And he himself has also acknowledged that he believes that friendship is a natural state for women but not so much for men. I find it hard to believe that anyone, man or woman, would support him in that way of thinking.

 

Hate to tell you this, but there is a name for most guys with a bunch of female "friends" that arent hoping one day that these friends will give them a crack...They are called homosexuals..

 

I dont care what anyone says....Most guys that have female friends usually secretly hope one day they are going to wind up in a sexual encounter of some kind..I know women dont like to hear this and its kind of objectifying, but its mostly true..Not that these guys are going to get creepy or anything, and I know this wouldnt likely be something that any woman would say up front, but if the woman came right out at the outset of the friendship and said something like "you know, pal, just realize that you will NEVER get anywhere with me"..I wouldn't in the least bit be surprised if the guy doesnt move forward on being that persons true friend..

 

.02

 

TFY

[Els]

I thought you said the last time you had a male friend was in high school, SD? Could you clarify?

[somedude81]

Well, those platonic female friends were nothing of the kind - he has also said that he was "friends" with them in the sense that he hoped it would turn into something more. Sure, he's cutting out the middle man now, by not even trying to befriend them on the path to more. But they were never friendships for the sake of friendship. So, I stand by my assertion.

 

On the contrary, I've become friends with several girls in the past that I had no interest in. I just thought they were cool and we had common interests.

 

Trouble started to happen when we would spend a significant amount of time together and I would start to develop feelings.

 

 

 

He has certainly said that he has difficulty with shy women, in that they are less likely to indicate interest and that, for him, is too difficult to interpret. If you read my post carefully, you'll note that I did not say that somedude would refuse to date a woman who's shy (or refuse to have contact with them). Those are not words I used. I simply said that he won't date them. Why? Because they're too much work.

 

Saying that I won't date shy girls because I can't interpret their signals of interest is a really odd conclusion to come to. That's like me saying that you won't eat beef because you can't kill a cow with your hands and it's too much work.

 

Doesn't make any sense does it?

 

That said, of course I'd date a shy girl if I can figure out that she likes me.

[JuneJulySeptember]

On the contrary, I've become friends with several girls in the past that I had no interest in. I just thought they were cool and we had common interests.

 

Trouble started to happen when we would spend a significant amount of time together and I would start to develop feelings.

 

As long as you stay away from that happening again, you're golden.

 

It is true. Most and many women do prefer a man who 'has stuff going on'. A guy who has a large social network, charisma with lots of types of people, does exciting things like hang-gliding and goes to exciting places and documents it all on Facebook, etc. Ironic because once people settle down and have kids, much of what they do is just hang out alone.

 

But I wouldn't worry about it too much. At your age, it would be a difficult and lengthy endeavor to establish such a network anyway.

 

Just go for a lot of girls and hope one likes you. You are on the right path.

[iiiii]

I don't think there's anything wrong with being picky in a partner. There is no point in dating someone when you do not enjoy their company, or cannot imaging yourself ever being attracted to them.

 

However, do recognize that when you become pickier, then you are going to find fewer people who both fit your criteria and who are also interested in dating you.

 

If you want the young, pretty, fit, kind, decent, fun, girlfriend with perky breasts, strong morals and great communication skills - then you'd better bring something pretty awesome to the table yourself, because she's in a position to be pretty damn picky when selecting a partner.

[xxoo]

On the contrary, I've become friends with several girls in the past that I had no interest in. I just thought they were cool and we had common interests.

 

Trouble started to happen when we would spend a significant amount of time together and I would start to develop feelings

 

Has this ever happened with a woman you initially considers too overweight?

 

It seems to be this cyclical argument that you can't develop friendships because you grow feelings, but you never actually try to develop friendship with anyone other then women you are attracted to. It's sort if a predictable outcome of a friendship with a 20 year old woman for you. A friendship with a woman your age would do you all kinds of good.

[IttyBittyKitty]

Hate to tell you this, but there is a name for most guys with a bunch of female "friends" that arent hoping one day that these friends will give them a crack...They are called homosexuals..

 

I dont care what anyone says....Most guys that have female friends usually secretly hope one day they are going to wind up in a sexual encounter of some kind..I know women dont like to hear this and its kind of objectifying, but its mostly true..Not that these guys are going to get creepy or anything, and I know this wouldnt likely be something that any woman would say up front, but if the woman came right out at the outset of the friendship and said something like "you know, pal, just realize that you will NEVER get anywhere with me"..I wouldn't in the least bit be surprised if the guy doesnt move forward on being that persons true friend..

 

.02

 

TFY

 

So are you saying he shouldn't have friends at all?

 

Somedude81 do you just develop feeling for every woman you spend a significant amount of time with?

Edited September 21, 2014 by IttyBittyKitty

[thefooloftheyear]

So are you saying he shouldn't have friends at all?

 

Somedude81 do you just develop feeling for every woman you spend a significant amount of time with?

 

 

No....my understanding is that he doesnt have any male friends either...Id say its very healthy for a guy to have a circle of male buddies...Doesnt have to spend all his time with them, but its a generally healthy thing..The only guys I am aware of that have no male friends and only female friends are gay..

 

And women will find it more attractive for someone like him to have some friends...

 

TFY

Edited September 21, 2014 by thefooloftheyear

[Imajerk17]

I didn't know what sullen meant so I looked it up

 

"Bad-tempered and sulky; gloomy."

 

Can you see why I am offended when you suggested I was sullen?

 

Do you believe that if I am acting sullenly in a room full of people, that any of the women there would want to talk to me?

 

How do you think I actually behave when I'm with other people? Do you truly think that I'm cold and rude to anybody that doesn't have a nice pair of boobs?

 

Well, to answer your question, you were the one who said that you needed a pay-off for social interactions. You also made a few insulting "big girl" comments to the women on here who tried to help you. When called out on that, you said that it doesn't matter as you won't be dating anyone on here.

 

I'd say it demonstrates someone who clearly won't put any effort into social interactions unless you're going to get something/somewhere with a woman. It's a turn-off. Do you disagree?

 

If you are unaware of this, then I wonder what you might be doing in your social interactions in real life--even if it is something else altogether different--to turn people off.

 

I think that is the crux of all the advice you are given, including the "make friends" advice--to show more interest for those around you. And to show more awareness/thoughtfulness in how you are coming across, to everyone, not just cute girls.

 

Yes, I've tried the vast majority of advice I've been given. Primarily advice such as "make friends" is something that I've heard a thousand times and have already spent over a decade of my life trying. People seem to forget that I'm 33 years old and have already tried many things to improve my situation.

 

I dislike generic catch-all advice. In the rare occasion where I'm given specific advice to my situation, I am very grateful.

 

Have you though. It's hard to see.

 

--A few people from LS have reached out to you and offered to meet up with you off-line, my understanding is that you refused.

 

--You didn't take the advice you were given in your last thread that you wrote at the beginning of the summer, and you saw the critical comments from the women towards you on your thread. Now it's no one's business how you decided to spend your summer. The girls you see in your dating pool probably see things similarly as the comments you got on your thread. The girls you talk to face-to-face might not say it to your face as someone would on an internet forum, but when they hear how you spent last summer they will not be impressed. I get you hate it when people bring up the "rest of your life" stuff too, but that stuff matters a lot if you are looking for a girlfriend too.

 

Those are only a couple things, but they are big things. Show more interest in others around you besides just getting a girlfriend. Take more responsibility with your own life. You seem to be resisting these and it isn't helping your cause.

 

The good news is that these are all things you can start turn around right away though.

 

 

And I'm taking that advice to heart. My goal was to make some sort of move with the girl in my dance class next week. Then she pulled the run away stunt which I'm still trying to figure out how to handle.

 

Unfortunately that's how my life has been. I think I'm getting close to a girl, making progress with her, and then some form of bullsh*t happens. Every time. I feel like I'm fighting against the universe. The one time I actually win and get a girlfriend, she randomly dumps me after six months for reasons that have absolutely nothing to do with me; or putting it another way, there was nothing I could have done differently to get her to stay.

 

Why is trying to get and keep a girlfriend such a struggle? Is it like that for everybody?

 

Thank you for the well wishes.

 

You ARE cursed in your college environment though. You are in your early 30s, and from a picture you posted you do look like you are in your early 30's (as to most people your age do). Each year even if your social skills are growing, it becomes harder and harder for you to connect with the girls in your college environment, because you become older and older relative to them.

 

The age difference puts you at a big disadvantage. You overcame that once w Sophia. You are a full two years older relative to the girls in your classes than you were when you met her though. The girls who were freshmen and sophomores then are now juniors and seniors, and the girls who are now freshmen and sophomores were in high school.

 

The age difference might not be a big deal to you. But it is to them and that matters too. The good news is that after you graduate and move on to social circles where the women are a bit older the age problem won't be an issue anymore.

 

BUT, that's not to say that you shouldn't try, it is to tell you that the age gap is seriously working against you right now. I am glad to hear that you are making your move on the girl in your surfing class.

Edited September 21, 2014 by Imajerk17

[somedude81]

You ARE cursed in your college environment though.

 

The age difference puts you at a big disadvantage.

 

Simply put, I am at a huge disadvantage no matter what venue and method I use to try and meet women.

 

You also made a few insulting "big girl" comments to the women on here who tried to help you.

 

Source please because I have no idea what you are talking about.

 

If you are unaware of this, then I wonder what you might be doing in your social interactions in real life--even if it is something else altogether different--to turn people off.

 

If you believe that I am being rude to everybody and turning people off, then how do you think I manged to attract and have a relationship with a super cute and very intelligent 20 year old woman?

[Weezy1973]

What do you mean on a deeper level?

 

Is this before or after I ask them out?

 

So there are various "levels" of knowing someone - looks is focusing on the most superficial (i.e. shallowest) level. Wanting to date someone (or rejecting someone) based on the most superficial level doesn't really work for most people (except for the best looking ones).

 

As you get to know people, you begin to know them on a deeper level. All relationships (both platonic and romantic) start the same way, and progress through the various levels. The deepest level is usually reserved for long term monogamous relationship partners - it's where you know the other person's deepest secrets, fears, etc and vice versa. That takes awhile to develop.

 

For you though - you'll find your best success will likely be when you get to know someone on a deep enough level to know that you're compatible. And by compatible I mean that you have a similar sense of humour (she laughs at your jokes) you can have fairly long discussions quite easily, you have some similar interests. When it really clicks (this is what's called chemistry) it will all be very effortless. Nothing will seem forced. When you meet a woman that you have chemistry with (and this would be before asking her out on a date), she will be much more likely to be open to dating you. The other awesome thing you'll notice is that when there's chemistry, attraction is never far behind (as long as you're not initially repulsed by the person's appearance).

 

I will say that all my long term relationships started this way. They were women that I was fairly neutral about attraction wise to start - but as I got to know them over time and that chemistry began to develop, they became so much more beautiful to me.

 

The "standard" dating style often cited on LS - i.e. being attracted to someone's physical appearance first, asking them out on a date, and then seeing if there's chemistry second, will only work generally for people that are good looking enough to garner interest based on their looks alone.

 

But I also want to address this point:

 

If you believe that I am being rude to everybody and turning people off, then how do you think I manged to attract and have a relationship with a super cute and very intelligent 20 year old woman?

 

I know your one relationship is your only reference point right now so it holds a lot of meaning for you, but you have to trust those of us who have had many relationships. A six month relationship, where you were almost certainly a rebound, does not any kind of pattern make. You should certainly not be drawing any conclusions from it.

 

For the record, I don't think you're rude to everybody, but you certainly have said some things with negative connotations towards overweight women.

[somedude81]

So there are various "levels" of knowing someone - looks is focusing on the most superficial (i.e. shallowest) level. Wanting to date someone (or rejecting someone) based on the most superficial level doesn't really work for most people (except for the best looking ones).

 

As you get to know people, you begin to know them on a deeper level. All relationships (both platonic and romantic) start the same way, and progress through the various levels. The deepest level is usually reserved for long term monogamous relationship partners - it's where you know the other person's deepest secrets, fears, etc and vice versa. That takes awhile to develop.

 

For you though - you'll find your best success will likely be when you get to know someone on a deep enough level to know that you're compatible. And by compatible I mean that you have a similar sense of humour (she laughs at your jokes) you can have fairly long discussions quite easily, you have some similar interests. When it really clicks (this is what's called chemistry) it will all be very effortless. Nothing will seem forced. When you meet a woman that you have chemistry with (and this would be before asking her out on a date), she will be much more likely to be open to dating you. The other awesome thing you'll notice is that when there's chemistry, attraction is never far behind (as long as you're not initially repulsed by the person's appearance).

 

Yes, that method of knowing a woman on a deeper level first and then asking her out is what I prefer. It's also exactly what happened with my ex.

 

Once our first date started, everything just flowed so smoothly it felt like we were already in a relationship. The fact that we were "friends" first for several months made interacting with her so natural. That was the first time I've ever experienced that.

I will say that all my long term relationships started this way. They were women that I was fairly neutral about attraction wise to start - but as I got to know them over time and that chemistry began to develop, they became so much more beautiful to me.

 

The "standard" dating style often cited on LS - i.e. being attracted to someone's physical appearance first, asking them out on a date, and then seeing if there's chemistry second, will only work generally for people that are good looking enough to garner interest based on their looks alone.

 

Generally I don't believe I'm attractive enough to do that and feel that it will only lead me to getting a lot of quick rejections. I also take a little bit of time to get comfortable with a new girl and letting my personality come through. But I still need to speed up my pace. I need to find the balance.

 

But I also want to address this point:

 

I know your one relationship is your only reference point right now so it holds a lot of meaning for you, but you have to trust those of us who have had many relationships. A six month relationship, where you were almost certainly a rebound, does not any kind of pattern make. You should certainly not be drawing any conclusions from it.

 

Since that relationship is my only reference point, it is impossible for me not to draw any conclusion from it.

 

Also, how is it that I'm a rebound when she broke up with her boyfriend to date me? She left him for me.

 

From what I understand, a rebound would have been if I started dating a new girl shortly after my ex dumped me when I still had feelings for my ex.

 

For the record, I don't think you're rude to everybody, but you certainly have said some things with negative connotations towards overweight women.

 

How is that at all relevant?

 

I don't talk to anybody IRL about overweight women nor do I treat them any worse than I treat normal women.

 

There a couple of overweight women in my dance classes and I try to make sure they have a good time, just like I do with everybody else.

 

The girls that I'm interested in get a little bit of extra attention.

[Teknoe]

Well, to answer your question, you were the one who said that you needed a pay-off for social interactions. You also made a few insulting "big girl" comments to the women on here who tried to help you. When called out on that, you said that it doesn't matter as you won't be dating anyone on here.

 

I'd say it demonstrates someone who clearly won't put any effort into social interactions unless you're going to get something/somewhere with a woman. It's a turn-off. Do you disagree?

 

If you are unaware of this, then I wonder what you might be doing in your social interactions in real life--even if it is something else altogether different--to turn people off.

 

I think that is the crux of all the advice you are given, including the "make friends" advice--to show more interest for those around you. And to show more awareness/thoughtfulness in how you are coming across, to everyone, not just cute girls.

 

 

 

Have you though. It's hard to see.

 

--A few people from LS have reached out to you and offered to meet up with you off-line, my understanding is that you refused.

 

--You didn't take the advice you were given in your last thread that you wrote at the beginning of the summer, and you saw the critical comments from the women towards you on your thread. Now it's no one's business how you decided to spend your summer. The girls you see in your dating pool probably see things similarly as the comments you got on your thread. The girls you talk to face-to-face might not say it to your face as someone would on an internet forum, but when they hear how you spent last summer they will not be impressed. I get you hate it when people bring up the "rest of your life" stuff too, but that stuff matters a lot if you are looking for a girlfriend too.

 

Those are only a couple things, but they are big things. Show more interest in others around you besides just getting a girlfriend. Take more responsibility with your own life. You seem to be resisting these and it isn't helping your cause.

 

The good news is that these are all things you can start turn around right away though.

 

 

 

 

You ARE cursed in your college environment though. You are in your early 30s, and from a picture you posted you do look like you are in your early 30's (as to most people your age do). Each year even if your social skills are growing, it becomes harder and harder for you to connect with the girls in your college environment, because you become older and older relative to them.

 

The age difference puts you at a big disadvantage. You overcame that once w Sophia. You are a full two years older relative to the girls in your classes than you were when you met her though. The girls who were freshmen and sophomores then are now juniors and seniors, and the girls who are now freshmen and sophomores were in high school.

 

The age difference might not be a big deal to you. But it is to them and that matters too. The good news is that after you graduate and move on to social circles where the women are a bit older the age problem won't be an issue anymore.

 

BUT, that's not to say that you shouldn't try, it is to tell you that the age gap is seriously working against you right now. I am glad to hear that you are making your move on the girl in your surfing class.

 

 

Agreed with 100% of this. Good take, Imajerk17.